Worst. Saturday. Ever.


I had plans for this weekend. Enjoyable plans. I was meant to be heading up to John Forrest National park on Saturday with Ryan and Ali. However, things did not go that way…

I needed to get to the bank. I have to swap some large quantities of cash between my savings account at what I shall call Bank A and my normal, day to day account at Bank B, in order to pay for my trip next year. At the same time I have some heavy strata fees coming up and need to make sure I’ve got the cash free to handle them.

I also had a mysterious package to pick up at the post office. Not my normal, close-by post office, but the one in Inglewood, which is so badly sited that I need to take two buses to get to it. Making things even more fun was the fact that if I didn’t get there ASAP they were going to send it back to wherever it came from.

So, I reluctantly cancelled the trip to the national park, and girded my loins to get it all sorted on Saturday morning.

I got up early and had a nutritious breakfast. I then hopped online to check when the bank opened…

…and discovered that it no longer opens on Saturdays. “BASTARDS!” was my reaction, realising that I wouldn’t be able to get over there again until my next day off over a week away. So I revised my plans to skip the bank and headed out to catch the bus to Morley. Which I did.

The wrong bus.

It wasn’t a huge problem as the bus I got went to Morley anyway, it just took the scenic route and arrived five minutes after the connecting bus I wanted departed, meaning I’d have to sit around for half an hour for the next one. On the upside it did go past a noodle bar near the bus station, which I decided to stop into on my way back for lunch, as I was quite in the mood for noodles.

I waited around and got the next connecting bus, which carried me to Inglewood. I jumped off opposite the post office and walked up to the doors… to discover it wasn’t open on Saturdays.

“SINCE WHEN??” was about the most repeatable thing I said.

Considering my options I decided to walk to my parents’ place a few kms away, beg them to pick up the parcel f0r me on Monday and get the train home. So I began my trek. My trek through the rain, thinking about how I wouldn’t be able to get back to Morley and wouldn’t be able to have those noodles I was thinking of.

About halfway – Glory be! – I stumbled across a noodle shop! Fantastic! I crossed the road and walked up to the door. It was locked. It was locked in complete contradiction with the opening hours posted on it, saying it should have opened an hour beforehand. I swore some more and kept walking. Through the rain.

I was just approaching my parents’ street, when something horrible occurred to me. The item I was trying to pick up was an International Signature Item. Could you get other people to pick up an International Signature Item?

I checked the notification slip. No.

More swearing ensued.

By now I was a broken, beaten man. I gave up on visiting the parents and slouched my way to the railway station. I got the train home and crawled into bed, having spent several hours achieving NOTHING.


River of Love

Looks like a spark (WORP!), feels like a flame (WORP!)

I haven’t been posting anywhere near as much as I’ve meant to lately, and right now I don’t have the time to do anything about it. So I thought I’d just inflict another Youtube video on you all.

Here I am proud to present (courtesy of Regretsy where I first encountered his greatness) Varga with Love Train!

Yes, at first listen it’s a horrible, horrible piece of garbage that sounds like someone’s idea of a sick joke, but when Varga isn’t – well, singing isn’t even close to the correct description for those noises he makes, but we’ll stick with it for now – when Varga isn’t singing and when those weird squawking noises aren’t intruding (WORP!) it’s not totally bad. There are bits that sound like semi-competent 8o’s ballad pop hidden in there. If Varga learnt to program his Casiotone properly and handed vocal duties across to someone else then he could actually be on to something.


Thoughts on “Visitation”

Poor, poor Eli…

You know, Eli doesn’t have much luck with women. First he falls for a girl who just wants to be friends (and starts turning into an alien), then he falls for a girl who gets murdered, then he starts chatting up another girl and her head explodes.

Seriously, the women on Destiny would be well advised to keep their distance. The guy’s a major jinx.

Kitten Attack!

OMG Kittinz!

So I’m at work today and I need to prevent a directory of pdf files from being accessed outside of links on a specific page. Now to anyone who knows anything about Apache servers the solution is obvious, throw something together in an .htaccess file.

So I did. I used modRewrite to detect the referrer, and redirect any unauthorised requests. And because I wanted to make sure it was working (modRewrite is, after all, essentially electronic voodoo) I decided to redirect said bad requests to KittenWar. You know, like you do.

All well and good. I confirmed that the redirect was working, ranked some kittens, and then edited the .htaccess file to remove the redirect. Then I tested it again.

I got kittens.

I checked that I’d edited the right file. I had. I re-uploaded it, checking that I was uploading the correct file as I did so. I tested the link.


I deleted the .htaccess file off the server, checked the link to confirm it was broken,  re-uploaded and tested it again.


I telnetted in and examined the .htaccess file on the server. No mention of kittens anywhere. I got the other guys in the office to test the link on their machines. No kittens. I tested it on my machine again.


Realising that it had to be a browser issue I closed Firefox and restarted it. Twice. I checked the link again.


It was at this point that I discovered that ALL attempts to access ANY part of the website were redirecting to KittenWar, which would seriously complicate any attempts to get it finished for the important meeting tomorrow. With no other ideas I uninstalled Firefox, then reinstalled it.

Adorable kittens.

I rebooted, and reinstalled Firefox again.

More adorable kittens, mocking me with their adorable eyes and pink little noses.

Finally in sheer desperation I tracked down and installed an extension that would flush the DNS cache. I had no idea how an .htaccess file could poison my DNS cache with kittens, but I couldn’t think of anything else to try. I installed it, rebooted, ran it, and checked the link.

No kittens!! Finally!!

Then it was time for lunch.

Goddam kittens… ;D

Being Australian: A Response


There’s an email doing the rounds recently on the subject of “Being Australian”. After reading it I really thought I should pen a response…

I Am the political Parties Worst Nightmare.
I am a White, Conservative, Tax-Paying, God fearing Australian ……
I am a hard working Australian and l work long hours to earn a living.
I believe in God and the freedom of religion, but I don’t push it on others…

I am the political Parties’ Worst Nightmare (and I know how to do plurals properly).
I am a tax-paying Australian and don’t give a damn about the colour of anyone’s skin or their religion, let alone my own.
I am a hard working Australian and I work long hours to earn a living.
I believe in freedom of religion, and refuse to judge anyone based on their religion or lack thereof.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and not some bloody governmental functionary, Labor/Greens or Liberal, that wants to share it with others who don’t work!
I’m in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
I think owning a home doesn’t make you a capitalist; it makes you a smart Australian

I believe the money I make belongs to me, minus the taxes necessary to keep the nation running and maintain the society I benefit from, which includes reasonable help for those less fortunate than I.
I think owning a home is sensible if you can afford it, and that people who get their hackles up about words like ‘Capitalist’ are living in the last century.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimised, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimised, unless you are actually being victimised, and that those who are being victimised deserve assistance.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or any other item, you should do it in English.

I believe that people who get upset about the language skills of people working god-awful hours on minimum wages need to have a hard look at their priorities. As does anyone who thinks a Big Mac is somehow representative of Australian values.

I believe there should be no other language option.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

I believe that people with poor language skills should be offered opportunities to improve them, and a reasonable amount of assistance until they do.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to, so long as it’s not disruptive to others.

My heroes are, Fellow Australians, Sir John Monash, Don Bradman, Slim Dusty, and Angoves, who invented the wine cask.

I don’t bother with heroes, but if I did I would choose them from the entire scope of human history, unlimited by nation, race or creed.

I don’t hate the rich, but hate the way they are always finding ways to pay less taxes
I don’t pity the poor ,I hate the way they always crying that they are hard done by!!

I don’t hate the rich, but I hate the ways they find ways to pay less taxes.
I don’t pity the poor – I think they should be offered the assistance they need to get up on their feet, in the best Australian traditions of giving a mate a hand.

I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I think (that along with Big Macs) any mention of wrestling is a clear sign that this email was written by an American about America and has been edited by some unimaginative would-be Aussie Teabagger with an axe to grind.

I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks, and neither have you!

I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks, and have no idea what this has to do with anything.

I believe if you don’t like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

I believe if you don’t like the way things are here you should get involved in the political process and try and change them.

This is AUSTRALIA …..We like it the way it is and more so the way it was ….so stop trying to change it to look like Britain , USA , Russia or China , or some socialist country!

This is Australia. Some people like it, some people don’t, and that’s the nature of democracy. I think that anyone who calls countries they don’t like “Socialist” is either stuck in 1952, or is an American, or is both.

If you were born or legally migrated here and don’t like it… you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.  (and take Julie Gillard, her dick head group and the Greens with you.)

If you were born here, legally migrated here or were allowed here under internationally agreed treaties concerning refugees and asylum seekers, and don’t like it, you are free to participate in our democracy and try to change things to your liking. But accept the other half of the deal, which is that you may not find any support.

I believe that repeated references to Socialism are the sign of a weak mind.

I believe it is time to really clean house, starting with the Lodge, the seat of our biggest problems.

I believe that the previous line originally read “the White House” rather than “the Lodge”, and that the time to “clean house” is the next Federal Election.

I want to know exactly, where the “Do Gooder’s ” get their money from, and why are they always part of the problem and not the solution?

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I want to know exactly how calling people you diagree with “Do Gooders” is a solution to anything.

I also want to know why “Do Gooders” requires an apostrophe (can I get an Amen on that?)

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what race, colour or creed you are, but not just because you happen to be an illegal alien and scream that they are “RACISTS PIGS”

I think that the cops have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what race, colour or creed you are. If they pull you over BECAUSE of what race, colour or creed you are then that’s another story.

And, no, I don’t mind having my face shown on my driver’s license. I think it’s good….

Everyone should be equal before the law, and as such everyone should have their face shown on their driver’s license. That’s a given

I hope you are not too stupid to claim to know how our electoral ballot system works, the Politician’s don’t’,so what hope have we??

I do know how the electoral system is meant to work – the Australian one is actually not that difficult. Do you understand how apostrophes are meant to work?

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making ‘donations’ to their cause….  Get a job and do your part to support yourself and your family!

I dislike people standing in intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making donations to their cause, but at least they’ve gone out and got a job to support themselves and their families.

I believe that it doesn’t take all the intellectuals to raise a child, it takes two parents….

I believe that as long as a child has a stable, supportive home environment they’ll turn out pretty much alright – regardless of who their parents or guardians are, and how many or how few of them there are.

I believe ‘illegal’ is illegal no matter what the lawyers think!

I believe ‘illegal’ is illegal no matter what the lawyers think – but that just because something is illegal doesn’t necessarily make it wrong, and just because something is legal doesn’t necessarily make it right.

I believe the Australian flag should be the only one allowed to be flown in Australia !

I believe that the Australian flag is to be respected, but that banning the flying of other flags sounds like something out of the Nuremberg Laws.

If this makes me a BAD Australian, then yes, I’m a BAD Australian
If you are a BAD Australian too, please forward this to everyone you know…..

If this makes me a BAD Australian, then yes I’m a BAD Australian. I don’t think I am, although your opinion may differ.

We want our country back! My Country…..

I’d want my country back, if I thought I’d ever actually lost it.

I hope this offends all illegal aliens.

I hope this doesn’t offend anyone.

My great, great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer War.
My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in the  the World Wars 1&2
My grandfather watched as his friends & brothers died in the Depression of 32.
My father watched as his friends died in Korea
I watched as my generation died in Vietnam .
Our son’s and daughters watched & bled as their friends died in Afghanistan and Iraq .. None of them died for the Afghanistan and Iraq Flag.  Every Australian died for the Australian flag

I recognise and am grateful for the sacrifices of those who’ve served our country in times of war, but don’t think that having relatives who’ve done so makes you any more or less of an Australian.

Our young men are getting killed in Afghanistan whilst their young men run away, and get on a boat for Australia , taking the place of genuine refugees!

I think that anyone who flees from war and persecution is a genuine refugee.

At a Victorian high school foreign students raised a  Middle East flag on a school flag pole, Australian students took it down. Guess who was expelled…the students who took it down.

I think that unsourced, unreferenced, third-or-more-hand stories about “foreign” students and “Middle East” flags have no place in a rational debate. Let’s establish the facts before basing claims on them.

Enough is enough

I’m thinking exactly the same thing.

This message needs to be viewed by every Australian; and every Australian needs to stand up for Australia .

My message is freely available for any Australian who wants to read it. Then they can stand up, sit down, or do whatever they feel like.

We’ve bent over to appease the Aussie-haters long enough. I’m taking a stand.

Bear in mind that “Aussie-haters” can mean “those who hate Australia” and “Australians who hate”.

I’m standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the Australian flag.

Because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country what? Couldn’t compose a proper English sentence?

If you agree, stand up with me. If you disagree, please let me know.  I will gladly remove you from my e-mail list.

If you agree, stand up with me. If you disagree, that’s cool – we call that democracy.

And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.

Oh I would never make this a racist message.

AUSTRALIANS, stop giving away Your RIGHTS !

We live in a free, stable, first world nation, and despite what talk back radio hosts want you to think, our rights are not under any kind of serious threat.

Let me make this clear! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY !

…For those who come across the seas we’ve boundless plains to share…

This statement DOES NOT mean I’m against immigration !
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally:
1. Get  a sponsor !
2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past !
3. Live by OUR rules ! Dress as we ,Australians Do
4. Get a job !
5. Pay YOUR Taxes !
6. No Social Security until you have earned it and Paid for it !
7. NOW find a place to lay your head !

Immigrants and Asylum Seekers are welcome in my Australia, as long as they abide by our laws and pay back any assistance we offer once they’re on their feet. And yes, being a good, hard working, contributing citizen counts as paying back.

And “Social Security”? At least try and hide your plagiarism!

If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then YOU’RE  PART OF THE PROBLEM !

If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone, THEN THAT’S YOUR RIGHT!

We’ve gone so far the other way .. . .  bent over backwards not to offend anyone.

You mean being polite?

Only AUSTRALIANS seems to care when Australian Citizens are being offended !

I suspect that your definition of “Australians” is rather different to mine…



If you do not Pass this on, may your fingers cramp !

If you do not pass this on, have a nice day!


Made in Australia, and not feeling it necessary to capitalise the fact.



I’ve just spent over two hours trying to get an HTML email to render properly in Outlook.

I have never been this close to sending a death threat to Steve Balmer in my entire life.

Four Weddings and a Precious

Stupid Fat Hobbits!

Four Weddings is not a show I would consider watching in a million years, but the preview clip that’s been doing the rounds is hilarious.

Things I want to know…

a) Where in Hades did they dig up a Gollum impersonator?
b) How are the other brides completely unaware of who Gollum is?
c) Why do the other brides seem to think that they  have a right to complain about the wedding being “ruined” by having Gollum there? You know, given that it’s not actually their wedding?

And – for the record – while I think this is hilarious I would not invite Gollum to my wedding 🙂

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