Fronline news from the Auto-Divide

Gah! This society is so auto-centric. If you don’t have a driver’s licence you’re a bloody second class citizen.

Not only can I no longer cash my paychecks at Bankwest without providing a driver’s licence, I was unable to close down my Commonwealth bank account on Friday without having one either. Oh, sure, if I had my ATM card they would have shut it down, but I handed in my ATM card about four months ago the first time I asked them to close it. They didn’t do it then apparently because there were still payments coming out of it for Greenpeace.

Now in this situation I would have though the sensible thing to do would be either send me a letter advising me of the situation, or just cut off payments to Greenpeace, and let them contact me about. But no they just let things run on until I was more than $100 overdrawn, and then sent me a nasty letter about it. You’ve got to admire their devotion to the environment, but still.

So now I’ve got to traipse in again on Monday with sufficient ID to prove that I am in fact me and not some devious criminal planning to take over the world by paying off people’s overdrafts. Sheeze!

Combine all this with the fact that under new anti-terrorism legislation you can’t send parcels overseas without photo-id and someone who doesn’t drive is well and truly screwed πŸ™

OK, OK, I know the sensible thing to do would be get my licence, but why should the fact that I’m not particularly interested in driving around a big stinking chunk of metal make me unable to carry out ordinary day to day functions? And I haven’t got a licence by choice, what about people too incompetent to obtain one?! It’s f-ing ridiculous!!

Gah!!

Anyway I’ll make a more coherant (and less furious πŸ™‚ entry tomorrow. Probably. In the meantime I thought I’d padd this out by posting the lyrics to my latest favourite song The Laws have Changed by Canadian popsters the New Pornographers – chiefly because I can’t seem to find them anywhere else online. So, here goes…

The Laws have Changed – The New Pornographers

It was crime at the time but the laws, we changed ’em,
Though the hero for hire’s forever the same one,
Introducing for the first time,
Pharaoh on the microphone,
Sing1, all hail,
What will be revealed today,
When we peer to the great unknown,
From the line to the throne,

Awaking to cheers after years on the faultline,
We are shocked to be here in the face of the meantime,
Pharaoh all your methods have taught me,
Is to seperate my blood2 from bone,
And we’ll all fail,
Feel what I feel today,
When we peer to the great unknown,
From the line to the throne,

La-la-la-la la-la la-la la-la,
Form a line here3,
La-la-la-la la-la la-la la-la,
Form a line here,
Na-na-na na-nana na-na,
Form a line to the throne,
Na-na-na na-nana na-na,
Form a line to the throne,

La-la-la-la la-la la-la la-la,
Form a line here,
La-la-la-la la-la la-la la-la,
Form a line here,
Na-na-na na-nana na-na,
Form a line to the throne,
Na-na-na na-nana na-na,
Form a line to the throne,

Alone in the chain it remains to be seen how,
How well you can play when the pawn takes the queen now,
Introducing for the first time,
Pharaoh on the microphone,
Sing, all hail,
What will be revealed today,
When we peer to the great unknown,
From the line to the throne,

Sing all hail,
What will be revealed today,
When we peer to the great unknown,
From the line to the throne,

La-la-la la-la la-la-la la-la,
Form a line here,
La-la-la la-la la-la-la la-la,
Form a line here,
Na-na-na na-nana na-na,
Form a line to the throne,
Na-na-na na-nana na-na,
Form a line to the throne,

La-la-la la-la la-la-la la-la,
Form a line here,
La-la-la la-la la-la-la la-la,
Form a line here,
Na-na-na na-nana na-na,
Form a line to the throne,
Na-na-na na-nana na-na,
Form a line to the throne,

It was crime at the time but the laws have changed yeah,
It was crime at the time but the laws have changed yeah,

1: Sounds like “sing” but could well be something else.
2: Prevailing opinion is that this word is “blood”, which would match up well with “bone”. However the initial ‘b’ sound seems to be missing. Hence it could also be “love” or possibly even “life”.
3: Thanks to Mark James for pointing out this lyric change (from “From the Line”).

(In case you’re wondering, it’s apparently “a parable linking primogeniture of pharaohs and the collapse of democracy under the Bush dynasty” – so there you go πŸ™‚

PS: When I turn on the TV in the evening I do not particularly want to watch footage of babies projectile vomiting to the sounds of Rage Against the Machine. Thank you Australia’s Funniest Home Video Show!

PPS: Don’t go searching for anything including the word “Saxon” on Google Australia at the moment. You end up with nothing but Big Brother sites.

Dimensional Warp Generator Needed

From my inbox…

Dimensional Warp Generator Needed

Hello,

I’m a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Since nobody here seems to be able to get me what I need (safely here to me), I will have to build a simple time travel circut to get where I need myself. I am going to need an easy to follow picture diagram for a simple time travel circut, which can be built out of (readily available) parts here in 2003. Please email me any schematics you have. I will pay good money for anything you send me I can use Or if you have the rechargeable AMD dimensional warp generator wrist watch unit available, and are 100% certain you have a (secure) means of delivering it to me please also reply. Send a separate email to me at: [email removed because this guy is probably some kind of evil spammer].

Do not reply back directly to this email as it will only be bounced back to you.

Thank You

What the?!?

A Fleet of Chicken Tenders!

Well, first of all congrats to Helen *g*. I have actually congratulated her via email but I figured I’d better say something officially on my blog. Couldn’t happen to a nicer person. The only problem now is that I’m going to be all jealous ;-D

Anyway, I’m sure I had something to blog about, but I can’t think of it. So I’m going to blather on about other stuff in the hopes I remember πŸ™‚

Last week I watched the MTV Movie Awards. This was not because I think they’re of any importance or significance, but because I heard Yoda won one (for best fight sequence) and the people at Lucasfilms has done up a pretty amusing CGI of him making his acceptance speech. I wasn’t disappointed πŸ™‚ The two highlights were in the middle when he broke off thanking people to sob “Would not cry I promised myself!”, and then when the music started up before he’d finished. He looked up from his speech in annoyance and made a small gesture with his hand. The music stopped dead. “Play off Yoda no one does!” he commented and continued reading his list πŸ™‚

I was also fairly entertained by the Matrix Reloaded themed intro they knocked together. The upside was they’d actually got some of the real actors (or at least people who looked so like the real actors you couldn’t tell the difference) to reprise their roles, and then mixed in footage from the actual film to create a sort of alternative Matrix thing. The downside was it stared Justin Timberlake and that other idiot, the one from the American Pie films.

In any case the best bit (I thought anyway) was when the two aforementioned jokers found themselves in the middle of the big Zion dance sequence. After getting doused with a bucketload of sweat, they get talking to one of the dancers (played by Andy Dick of Newsradio fame). “Where the hell are we?” they ask. “You’re in Zion!” answers Dick, dancing around with glow sticks. “What is this place?” they continue. Dick replies “Well Duh! It’s obviously an underground city where the last humans live and the robots are coming to kill us! Doesn’t it make you wanna party! Wooooo!!!”. At this point footage from the movie shows Morpheus walking out onto his ledge. “Oo! It’s Morpheus!” comments Dick “I LOVE YOU MORPHEUS!!!”.

“ZION, HEAR ME!” shouts Morpheus. Dick chimes in sotto-voice “After the speech we’re all going back to his place for a big orgy. At least that’s what many of us have heard…”. We cut back to Morpheus “It is TRUE what many of you have heard!”. The crowd goes wild πŸ™‚

Then Andy Dick speaks up. “Morpheus! Hey! Morpheus!” he yells. Morpheus looks across at him. “What can we expect at this orgy of yours?” asks Dick. “MACHINES!” answers Morpheus. The entire cavern falls silent in concerned shock πŸ˜€

Well, I found it amusing! πŸ˜‰

Oddly enough though I have some other Justin Timberlake related news. Rebecca arrived out of the blue *g* to stay this week while she did some more management stuff at uni. During the week she purchased a copy of New Weekly which featured a remarkably hideous pull out poster of Mr Timberlake lying around in a car with his shirt off and holding a toy gun in the vicinity of his crotch. We had a good laugh about this and joked about her hiding it somewhere in the flat when she left so I’d stumble over it some time and get a nauseating shock when I least expected it.

The thing is she’s gone now and while the New Weekly is still where she left it, the poster is nowhere to be seen πŸ™‚

I haven’t come across it yet. I don’t know if Rebecca’s been particularly devious in concealing it, or if she was even more devious and took it with her, knowing that I’d suspect it was hidden somewhere and that not being able to find it would drive me mad. I may launch a full scale search this afternoon, or on the other hand I may hold her make-up bag and phone recharger (both of which she left behind) to ransom until she tells me the truth πŸ™‚

(Congrats to Dom on the kickarse new job by the way)

On the subject of New Weekly though I realy am stunned at my own stupidity. On looking through it I discovered that George from The Secret Life of Us is played by the same actress who played Chiana in Farscape (Perth’s own Gigi Edgley of course). How this escaped me for so long I have no idea. I mean she even has the same hairstyle (more or less) for crying out loud! The only explanation I can come up with is that George has normal human coloured skin (and hasn’t got an annoying, whining American accent *g*). So, if you want a disguise I can’t penetrate, painting yourself blue would be a good start, apparently πŸ™‚

Oh yeah, Barry White. He’s dead. That kind of sucks. In a weird twist of fate Ryan downloaded a whole load of his music off Kazaa the day before he croaked. For reasons of science I’ve asked him to repeat the experiment by downloading everything he can find by Tatu. Strictly for scientific purposes you understand πŸ™‚

He brought round a bunch of MP3s last week and I’m listening to them as I type. At the moment it’s The Raven by [Dr Evil] the Alan Parsons Project! [/Dr Evil]. Hmmmm, I think they would have been better off building a giant laser on the moon πŸ™‚

Ah, Sting. That’s better.

Hmmmm, I haven’t been up to much else. I whiled away a couple of hours last weekend when I should have been doing other things tracing a photo of Alisen Down in Illustrator to make a graphic novel style wallpaper for my computer. I (no doubt looking through the eyes of love, or at least persistent infatuation ;-D) think it’s not bad. Ryan on the other hand maintains it looks like a guy (although he has since amended his description to “frighteningly androgynous” :). I will let you the readers, form your own opinions…

There you go. See, if you squint and pretend it’s a photo, it looks nothing like a guy. Right? Right? Oh c’mon! Bah! I give up with you people! πŸ™‚

Hmmm, the Alan Parsons Project strike again. Ammonia Avenue. This is slightly more listenable. Sort of like Queen meets Ben Folds meets Goodbye Yellow Brick Road meets Little Mouse. Sort of πŸ™‚

Gah! This pasta I’m eating for lunch is burning my mouth. It’s shell shaped, and while the sauce surrounding the pasta has cooled to a quite edible state the sauce trapped inside the shells has maintained an infernally high temperature. Ah well, it tastes good. On those parts of my tongue that haven’t had the taste-buds scorched off πŸ™‚

OK, I still have no idea what I was going to blog about, but it’s probably covered in there somewhere. So I’ll shut up now πŸ™‚

The KLF have now left the building!

PS: I bought some frozen “chicken tenders” from the supermarket the other day, this led me to make up a really pointless joke.

PPS: “What’s a chicken tender?”

PPPS: “A boat that resupplies chickens!”

PPPPS: See, I said it was really pointless πŸ™‚

PPPPPS: I swear I’ve heard Neko Case’s voice before. But I can’t figure out where! Grrr! πŸ™‚

Back at Work. Bah!

Being back at work sucks.

I narrowly missed out on an extremely embarrassing encounter on the train home on Thursday night. There I was, walking down the platform after getting out of the front carriage, when who should I spy, sitting in the rear carriage(The electric trains in Perth only have two carriages. Or four in really busy periods, but that’s really just two trains end to end.) but Lyndah (Her hair is currently dyed flame red, so she’s pretty hard to miss ;-)).

You know, Lyndah?

Yeah. She didn’t see me, or if she did she did (she did she did? That can’t be good English!) a very good job of pretending she didn’t. And I doubt she would have spotted me down the length of the train since she was right at the back. But of course this little incident raises the question of what would have happened had we ended up on the same carriage and she had seen me (I know what would have happened if I’d seen her. I would have turned as red as a lobster and concealed myself behind some large fellow commuter before scurrying out like a rat when the train got to my station :)).

It’s a very good question.

The hidden variable of course is whether she’s aware of what I wrote about her. I have no reason to suppose that she’s ever visited my website or this blog, but she could have been made aware of the salient facts by my brother, which would provide a very good reason for her to pretend not to see me under any circumstances, let alone a train πŸ™‚

The problem of course is that I don’t know if my brother reads this blog either. In fact I only know of a few people who do read it, Helen, Ali, Stephanie, Rebecca and Ryan (and maybe Mark, in between all that police training). Of course there’s also all those people who wander in looking for the lyrics to the Drug’s The Bold and the Beautiful or after searching for “Billy Idol Religious Fanatics” (I’m not kidding. Two separate search engine queries over the last few months. The scary thing is not so much that people are searching for this, but that I keep coming up for it :)). But I don’t know about anyone else.

So, regard this as an invitation everyone. If you read the Wyrmlog, let me know! Drop me an email! You’re my audience after all!

I’ll get all depressed if you don’t πŸ˜‰

(By the way, please note that this is not an invitation to send me offers for herbal viagra, discount ink cartridges, penis enlargement pills, human growth hormone, millions of dollars in unclaimed African slush funds or any other such crap. I have excellent spam filtering software and I use it, so your message will be bloody well bounced.)

Anyway, back to Lyndah. I naturally kept half an eye out for her on Friday, but there wasn’t a flash of sexy flame red hair to be seen. Which is probably a good thing all round. I can seriously do without the distraction πŸ™‚

Anyway, on a completely different subject a fair few people have been visiting the Wyrmlog looking for the lyrics to 77% by The Herd. Since I’ve been looking for them myself and the only copy I can find online is woefully inadequate I figured I’d transcribe them and stick them up here. So (with all necessary language warnings) here they are. Enjoy…

77% – The Herd

(samples)

…seventy seven percent of Australians, um, agree with John Howard’s actions on the Tampa.
What happened to the others?..

…the thing is, to use military force, uh, against, uh refugees, isn’t that a little, overkill?..

…a spokesman for the line that owns the ship says Australian SAS Troops are in danger of breaking the laws of piracy…

…undoubtedly this is the most popular decision as far as the Australian public are concerned, the Government’s made during its reign…

…the Captain before entering Australian waters had sent out a distress signal…

…clearly our solution was um, well it wasn’t only farcical – it was um, immoral…

(John Howard) I wish, that this problem were not ours…

Well I’m left sitting here, staring into a beer,
Shaking my head at the same old loathing and fear,
Stranger in my own land, can’t understand,
How the very word ‘Australian’ has just been damned,
I f*****g hate myself, take Aussie from my name,
Erase this endless shame, forever casting blame,
If you don’t act the same will I destroy you?
Everyone looks the same beaten black and blue,

And so I’ve had enough of these redneck pricks,
When fact is the only real s**t that sticks,
Watch as I tear the very skin from my face,
So none’ll see my race, my deep disgrace,
You’re not even from here in the first place!
And those who are you wanna further debase?
Nup – no more – never again, whether by fist or pen,
I will defend – ’cause I’m at a loose end,

The shattered remnants of Aussie dignity,
I’m a skip, whitey, round eye, surprise me,
Use your shriveled brain to please explain,
How the clever country just went down the drain?
We rode the sheep’s back now the sheep ride you,
If this is how it’s gonna be don’t call me true blue,
I denounce my ancestors, wounds still fester,
If you say it ain’t so I suggest ya wake up!

Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up! These c***s need a shake up,
Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up! These c***s need a shake up,
Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up! These c***s need a shake up,
Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up!

Talkback? Squawking hacks, won’t relax,
Until Jonesey, Zemanek and Laws are all axed,
Seventy-seven percent of Aussies are racist,
If you’re here – I’ll say it your faces,
Rich redneck pricks still hold all the aces,
I’ll buy you a beer – with a arsenic chaser,
Better off dead? Is that what I’ve said?
Tempting to take for all the blood you’ve shed,

No doubt you’re as bad as your dads and your mums,
Mainsteam media making me so f*****g bummed,
Anglo reality, intellectual cavity,
Channel Nine fostering prejudiced mentalities,
I won’t be a casualty, just mention casually,
I can’t stand for you s**t-eating bullies,
Preying on peeps without a mainstream voice,
Most of yous stay silent but I’ve got no choice,

Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up! These c***s need a shake up!
Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up! These c***s need a shake up!
Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up! These c***s need a shake up!
Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up!

Well I’ve yelled my lungs out, but to no avail,
Well I’ve yelled my lungs out, but to no avail,
Well I’ve yelled my lungs out, but to no f*****g avail,
That you’re a stranger yourself, now that’s the sting in the tail,

Captain Cook was the very first queue jumper,
It was immigrant labour that made Australia plumper,
Enough is enough, whiteys go pack your stuff,
Don’t wanna live in England? That’s f*****g tough!
I’m sick and tired of this redneck wonderland,
Most of yous stay silent and I can’t understand,
I just can’t understand,
It’s time for you to,

Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up! These c***s need a shake up!
Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up! These c***s need a shake up!
Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up! These c***s need a shake up!
Wake up! This country needs a f*****g shake up!
Wake up!

Well that’s a cheery way to sign off isn’t it? πŸ™‚

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