Derry Girls in Narnia

Mr Tumnus: Good evening, good evening. Excuse me – I don’t want to be inquisitive – but should I be right in thinking that you are Daughters of Eve?

Claire: He looks like the devil! Oh Jesus! He’s the Devil!

Michelle: He’s not the fooking devil Claire!

Claire: He’s got horns!

James: To be fair, he does sort of look like the devil…

Michelle: Shut up James!

Orla: I really like your horns there Mr Devil, can I try them on like?


“Daughters of Eve,” began Aslan

“Excuse me, I’m a Son of Adam!” James interjected

“Daughters of Eve” Aslan continued, ignoring him entirely.


As for Aslan himself, the girls didn’t know what to do or say when they saw him. People who have not been in Narnia sometimes think that a thing cannot be good and terrible at the same time. If the girls had ever thought so, they were cured of it now. For when they tried to look at Aslan’s face they just caught a glimpse of the golden mane and the great, royal, solemn, overwhelming eyes; and then they found they couldn’t look at him and went all trembly.

“Go on,” hissed Erin.

“No,” whispered James, “you first.”

“You’re English!” whispered Erin back again, “Lions are your… heraldry!”

“Michelle,” whispered Claire, “What about you?”

“Fook off!” whispered Michelle “I’m not walking up to a fecking lion!”

And of course the longer they went on doing this the more awkward they felt. Then without warning Uncle Colm advanced to the Lion and said:

“Very nice to meet you Mr Aslan, now, if I can trouble ya, I was just wanderin’ I was if you’ve ever been to Derry? Because there was a young fella in Lettershandoney, and this must have been, what, twenty years ago now if it’s a day I reckon, there was a young fella there who said that he’d been walkin’ across to Killywool to visit his uncle who was down with a rackin’ case of the flu one February, although it might have been March now I think about it, or possibly it was right at the end of January, but he, this young fella I mean, was walkin’ across to Killywool when he said he came over a lion sittin’ by the side of Tannaherin road. Now, if that wasn’t strange enough, Derry not bein’ known for lions you understand, the fella said that the Lion asked, and that is it spoke out loud, it asked him what time the next bus to Belfast would be comin’ along. And now this fella he was, as I’m sure you can understand, rather taken aback at not just encounterin’ a lion out in the open, so to say, in Derry, but one that was a patron of the bus service, and despite bein’ extremely familiar with the bus service since his car was taken joy ridin’ by some young lads a few months earlier and driven’ into the Foyle just short of Magheramason, which is why he was walkin’ to Killywool in the first place you see, the fella just couldn’t think of a single word to say to the creature. So as you can imagine we had a fair lot of questions for this young fella, you know, lions not generally bein’ encountered waitin’ to catch the bus, even in places where lions are generally known to be around the place, if you take my meanin’. And Iain, that’s Bertha’s brother from Killarney, Iain asked the fella if maybe he’d seen a cat, because there was a woman in Tannaherin who had thon mental illness, I think they call it, where a body can’t help but collect cats like they were spoons, and this woman in Tannaherin must have had at least six cats in and around her house, and so he thought that maybe the young fella had just been surprised by one of this mad woman’s wee cats, and the fella said no, that simply couldn’t be the case, you see, because this lion creature was far too large to be a wee cat. So we asked if maybe it could just have been a particularly overgrown wee cat that he saw, but he straight denied that as well, on account, so he said, that cats, no matter how large they may be, can’t talk. Now, I know what you’re thinkin’ and sure enough we pointed out, and this was me, and Sol, and Bertha’s brother Iain from Killarney who were talkin’, we pointed out that lions are not known for talkin’ any more than cats are, but he, quite astutely if I can say it, he asked if any of us had ever met a lion. And we all had to admit right there that we’d not had the pleasure of meetin’ a lion, although Iain said he’d seen one of thon wee meerkats in Dublin Zoo, although, to be honest, I suspect based on his description of the wee creature, that he’d actually got himself confused while lookin’ at a mongoose…”

This is Australia

I’m currently working on models and clue markers to go with my Australian ‘The Silver Bayonet’ expansion and thought I’d better record how I’m doing the bases, lest I forget and have to figure it out all over again. I also figured my process might be useful for anyone else trying to create Australian bases or scenery. So here we go.

Step 1: A solid black undercoat

Step 2: Apply a generous dollop of Stirland Battlemire, or a similar texture paint and smoosh it around until it looks somewhat realistic.

Step 3: Once the texture paint is dry, cover the base in Skrag Brown, or a similar light-reddish brown paint. Let dry.

Step 4: Apply a heavy dark-brown wash such as Agrax Earthshade, and let dry.

Step 5: Apply a medium drybrush of a lighter, more reddish brown than that used in step 3. I use a 2:1 mix of Skrag Brown and Evil Sunz Scarlet.

Step 6: Apply a light drybrush of the original brown from step 3.

Step 7: Paint the rim black. At this point I also seal the base with spray varnish. I use a satin varnish to give a kind of desert-pavement feel, but there’s no reason you can’t use a matt varnish if you prefer.

Step 8: Add some yellowish grass tufts to represent spinifex. I use Army Painter Mountain Tuft.

Voila! The desert heart of Australia in your hand!

And here’s a clue marker that I’m putting here simply because I like the way it came out.

The Confessions of Denys P. Wyrm

I’m autistic.

I grew up in a time when what we now call Autistic Spectrum Disorder wasn’t recognised, and as such no one realised that people like me need assistance to pick up certain knowledge and skills that non-autistic people take for granted. I was lucky enough to be raised in a stable and loving family environment, and go to a small primary school that itself was similar to a family – all of which was wonderful, but sheltered me from the harsher aspects of the world. I grew up not just trusting everyone around me, but barely cognizant of the fact that there were people out there who shouldn’t be trusted. I thought that the world was a nice place, full of nice people who would never intend me harm.

Then I moved on to high school. I went in believing that everyone would be nice, and literally believing – as we autistic so naturally do – the old saw “just be yourself and people will like you”. So when I encountered people who didn’t like me for no reason I could see, I was puzzled. And then when a group of those people abused my unthinking and universal trust in a genuinely nasty way, it utterly shattered my worldview and left my soul in pieces on the floor.

The details of the incident are unimportant – in hindsight it was nothing more than run-of-the-mill schoolyard bullying. But it damaged me so deeply that my reaction was to shut down. I locked everyone out and threw up walls to protect myself. The message “If you let people in, they will hurt you” was seared indelibly into my very being in letters of fire. And almost 40 years later they’re still there.

I have lived my entire life with those walls up. I never, ever, let people know what I feel. I handle every emotional challenge on my own. I support myself without the support of anyone else, and I’m damn good at it. No confessors, no confidants, no lovers, just me.

But, it’s tiring. And while I’m good, there are have been challenges that are too much for just one person. And when I’ve come up against those challenges, rather than ask for help I’ve run. Being so profoundly damaged at such a young age means I never developed the skills for emotional intimacy. I don’t know how to open up to people, or even how to judge who would be safe to open up to. I just don’t know how to ask for help.

And to date, that’s been OK. I’ve managed. I’ve managed well. There are things in life I’ve missed out on, but I’m alive. I’ve come through every crisis with body, mind and soul intact, even if – on occasion – I’ve do so by fleeing.

But now things have changed. There are people that I care about – that I love – who need my help and my support. And I’m doing my best to give it to them – because how could I not? – but I’m sinking. I have the emotional strength and resources to support one person, and every ounce of support I give is one less that I have to support myself. My foundations are starting to crack.

I have three options. Keep going and hope that I adapt before it destroys me, cut and run, or ask for help. And while the urge to run is overwhelming, I. Will. Not. So I guess that’s what this blog post is. The best attempt at asking for help that I’m capable of. Maybe I’ll send it to my friends. Maybe I’ll just leave it here and hope someone notices. Maybe I’ll delete the whole thing tomorrow. I don’t know. But at least it’s an attempt at something.

Garyism

Is there no love in town? Is this new century getting you down? Well cheer up, because I’m here to introduce you to the solution for all your worries, the fresh-off the rack, supergreen, new religion of Garyism!

The Eleven Tenets of Gayism are as follows:

1: Gary is the supreme being, and the supreme being is Gary. Supreme is the being of Gary and in being Gary, Gary is supreme. Gary is the invisible gnome that lives in my garage and who goes through people’s bags. Oh, the places he has seen!

2: Humans evolved from bushes. After all, have we not all at one point felt the urge to return to shrubbery? As the great philosopher once said, if you’re not a bush, you’re not no one!

3: Rindless bacon is an abomination before Gary, and all who prepare bacon without the rind shall be condemned to the outer darkness with the gnashing and the wailing and the teeth.

4: When you die you arrive at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter gives you a general knowledge quiz. If you pass, you get into heaven. If you fail you get sent to hang out on a mountain with David Bowie, who helps you study. After six months you get to take the quiz again. Please note that once you get into heaven you can hang out with David Bowie as much as you like, so there’s no need to deliberately flunk the quiz to meet him. You can take the quiz as many times as necessary until you eventually pass. Note, however, that Saint Peter has a particular dislike of nehru jackets so do your best not to get killed while wearing one or he’ll make the quiz significantly harder.

5: Big Tyme by Heavy D and & the Boyz is a holy sacrament. Not listening to it – good lord no! – just its general existence.

6: The Mormons send their young people out door knocking not to attract converts, but to reinforce the teaching that the non-Mormon world is corrupt and hostile, so they’re much better off remaining in the church.

7: Horses are for courses, but hearses are for curses. Hisses may be for kisses, depending on personal preference.

8: C’mon!

9: Nice!

10: Chiropractory was invented by a ghost as a joke on the living.

11: Tenets are subject to change without notice. Past performance is not a guarantee of future results. All investments involve a degree of risk, including the risk of loss. Please check with Gary for the latest advice before believing anything. Anything at all. This is not a dream. You are seeing what is actually occurring for the purpose of causality violation. I’m a cow and I’m proud. Moo.

I will be taking no questions!

The Silver Bayonet: New South Wales

Anyone who follows me on the few social media platforms I deign to be associated with may have noticed me muttering darkly about John Macarthur and the Batavia over the last few weeks. Today I am able to reveal why. Behold! An entirely free and possibly even useable supplement for the tabletop skirmish game of gothic horror The Silver Bayonet focused on the Colony of New South Wales!

The Silver Bayonet: New South Wales
(Version 1.2. Updated August 20th 2026)

No less than 34 pages of content containing a brief history of the colony to 1805, a (very) basic primer on Indigenous belief systems, rules for the Australian environment, eight new troop types, twenty-three new monsters, an Australian scenario, hooks for further scenarios, folk-song lyrics, and multiple proofs that John Macarthur was an utter bastard! In short, everything you need to bring the Napoleonic Wars to the land down under! (There’s even a vegemite reference if you know where to look…)

The blame for this monstrosity squarely falls on Peachy whose enthusiastic promotion of The Silver Bayonet on Juggz the Podcast got me curious enough to check it out. I hope he’s happy with himself!

Anyway, enjoy, and be sure to let me know what works, what doesn’t work, and about any adventures you have battling the forces of darkness in Botany Bay.

This is Not a Dream

…this is not a dream, not a dream. We are using your brain’s electrical system as a receiver. We are unable to transmit through conscious neural interference. You are receiving this broadcast as a dream. We are transmitting from the year one, nine, nine, nine. You are receiving this broadcast in order to alter the events you are seeing. Our technology has not developed a transmitter strong enough to reach your conscious state of awareness, but this is not a dream. You are seeing what is actually occurring for the purpose of causality violation…

The Silver Bayonet: Part Two

Edit: I have taken these ideas and worked them up into a full game supplement which you can download here. Don’t say I never do anything for ya!

My brain – as is its common wont – has refused to let up on The Silver Bayonet, and has insisted on creating a roster of soldier types for games set in colonial Australia. This draws on rules from the various supplements, with a few tweaks.

When putting together an Australian unit you may select from the following types:

  • Convict* – See Below
  • Discovery Serviceman
  • Doctor
  • Cleverman – See Below
  • Bushranger* – See Below
  • Infantryman
  • Irregular*
  • Junior Officer
  • Marine
  • Missionary* – See Below
  • Native Scout*
  • Trooper* – A renamed Provincial Soldier.
  • Sailor
  • Supernatural Investigator
  • Veteran Hunter
  • Explorer – See Below
  • Woodsman*

The heavier troop types found in European settings aren’t available in Australia – they’re in too much demand to be sent out to distant colonies.

During recruitment you may pay an extra 3 points to give any figure marked with an asterisk the attribute “Experience in the desert”.


BUSHRANGER
Escaped convicts eking out a living in the wilderness are known as Bushrangers. While some simply seek to be left alone, others take up a life of theft and banditry, and it is the survival and combat skills of these than can be of use to a military unit.
Speed: 6
Melee: +1
Shoot: +1
Defense: 13
Courage: 0
Health: 10
Recruit: 19
Attributes: Combat Rider, Improvised Armour, Master of Cover
Equipment: 2 Pistols


CONVICT
There is no shortage of convicts in the penal colonies of New South Wales and Van Diemen’s Land and a military expedition can easily conscript some to haul equipment and make up numbers. No one would be mad enough to trust them with firearms though, and many will take the first opportunity to escape into the bush.
Speed: 6
Melee: +0
Shoot: +0
Defense: 13
Courage: -1
Health: 10
Recruit: 5
Attributes: Quick to Run
Equipment: Hand Weapon


CLEVERMAN
The indigenous inhabitants of the Australian continent have their own traditions of magic, with Clevermen and Women able to use their connection to the land to strike against transgressors. The state of war between the natives and colonists means Clevermen more often find themselves fighting against the British, but occasionally one may join forces with the invaders to defeat a greater evil.
Speed: 6
Melee: +0
Shoot: +0
Defense: 13
Courage: +3
Health: 10
Recruit: 20
Attributes: Linked to Country, Experience in the Desert
Equipment: Hand Weapon


MISSIONARY
The Protestant faith arrived in Australia with the first colonists in 1788 and as the British presence grew clergy of various faiths arrived to minister to the settlers and convicts. It wasn’t long before some of the most determined of these set out to bring their truth to the indigenous inhabitants of the land. While their success has been mixed at best, their faith and experience are a valuable resource for those heading out to fight the darkness.
Speed: 6
Melee: +0
Shoot: +0
Defense: 13
Courage: +1
Health: 10
Recruit: 14
Attributes: Inspiring
Equipment: Blunderbuss or Hand Weapon.


EXPLORER
Some of the boldest settlers, soldiers, and administrators of the colonies set out to explore the territory beyond the settled districts in search of fame, riches or knowledge. Many fail, but those who survive have valuable experience of the bush and its dangers.
Speed: 6
Melee: +1
Shoot: +1
Defense: 14
Courage: +1
Health: 10
Recruit: 20
Attributes: Strong, Experience in the Desert
Equipment: Hand Weapon, Rifle, Cartridge Box


Linked to Country: This ability works the same as Spells from the base rules with the figure being able to cast the following Spells:

  • Curse: As per the base rules.
  • Fog: Applies the Fog effect from the Unexpected Events Table.
  • Confuse: Applies the Mysterious Movement effect from the Unexpected Events Table.
  • Influence: Add one Monster Die to the Fate Pool if there are currently none.

Improvised Armour: The figure may be equipped with a suit of metal armour forged from plough blades. This provides Armour (2), but decreases speed by 2. A figure wearing improvised armour receives no benefits from Indefatigable, Nimble or Experience in the Desert.


I did think about including a variation on a Malamuke as an Afghan, but they didn’t arrive in Australia until the 1860s, which is too late for the Napoleonic setting. I couldn’t resist including armour for bushrangers (in the name of fun), even though Ned Kelly wasn’t born until 1854.

As per my previous post these rules are in no way guaranteed to work, be fair, or be fun. But hey, someone may get some use out of them!

The Silver Bayonet

Inspired by Peachy’s regular mentions of it on the Juggz podcast I shelled out some of my hard earned cash this week to acquire a copy of The Silver Bayonet – the self described “Wargame of Napoleonic Gothic Horror”.

It is – in my quickly formed opinion – excellent! A nice, streamlined system that still manages to have enough complexity to be fun, and with a fascinating setting. You choose your nation from the major powers of the Napoleonic wars, recruit soldiers of various nationality-determined specialties, then send the resulting unit into combat against similar units from rival nations – combat which will inevitably be interrupted by various supernatural horrors that need to be put down before they kill everyone.

I’m already planning to pick up the supplements that extend the game with new regions, specialties and monsters – I’m particularly tickled by the inclusion of a serpopard in the Egyptian expansion.

Anyway, as is so often the case after reading through it I have a whole bunch of ideas for customisations, many of which probably won’t work. But who knows, maybe someone might find some use for them? So here we go…

First up, an addition to the Special Armoury…


HOLY WATER
A small jar of water blessed by a religious figure. It takes up 1 equipment slot and may be used to make a single Melee or Shooting Attack. No Soldier or Officer may take more than 1 Holy Water.

Holy water only inflicts damage on figures with an Allergy to Blessed or Salt. It has no effect on figures without these Allergies.

When used for a Shooting Attack, Holy Water has the profile:

Range: Equal to the attacking figure’s Speed
Damage: Skill Die
Special: If the attack inflicts damage and a double (apart from double 1s) has been rolled, all Blessed/Salt vulnerable figures within 2 inches of the target suffer damage equal to half the inflicted damage rolled down.

When used for a Melee Attack Holy Water has the profile:

Damage: Skill Die
Special: Ignores 1 point of Damage Reduction/Armour

Once Holy Water has been used for an attack – even an unsuccessful one – it is expended and cannot be used again this game. In a Campaign it refreshes before the next game – assuming the soldier has survived to fight again!

Any soldier type that starts with a Holy Symbol may exchange it for a Holy Water during recruitment.


… and secondly some monsters to use that Holy Water on! (just kidding, none of them are affected by it)


BOG BODY
An ancient body, mummified in peat, reanimated by the Harvestmen. Its hardened skin and tanned innards make it particularly resistant to damage.

Speed: 3
Melee: +1
Accuracy: +0
Defence: 10
Courage: +5
Health: 12
Experience Points: 2
Attributes: Damage Reduction (2), Master of Cover, Nimble, Immune to Fire


DESERTER
A Revenant raised from a soldier executed for crimes by their own forces. Deserters harbour a hatred for officers that persists beyond the grave.

Speed: 4
Melee: +1
Accuracy: +0
Defence: 12
Courage: +5
Health: 10
Experience Points: 1
Attributes: Indefatigable, Damage Reduction (4) against projectile weapons only, Mutinous

Mutinous: The monster has a Melee of +2 when attacking Officers or Junior Officers. The monster will always move towards and attack the nearest Officer/Junior Officer in its line of sight – if it cannot see an Officer/Junior Officer it moves and behaves as a normal monster.


HANGED MAN
The reanimated corpse of an executed murderer, walking abroad to seek vengeance on the living.

Speed: 4
Melee: +1
Accuracy: +0
Defence: 12
Courage: +5
Health: 10
Experience Points: 2
Attributes: Indefatigable, Damage Reduction (4) against projectile weapons only, Chilling Touch


AUTOMATONS
Inventors in numerous nations have experimented with cunning clockwork devices that mimic living creatures. Some of the most advanced are capable of acting as guards, remaining dormant until triggered by an unwary trespasser.

SMALL AUTOMATON
A small, fairly harmless yet highly distracting clockwork construct.

Speed: 8
Melee: +0
Accuracy: +0
Defence: 12
Courage: 0
Health: 10
Experience Points: 1
Attributes: Clockwork Heart, Inexhaustible, Irritant, Mainspring

MEDIUM AUTOMATON
An automaton resembling a medium sized animal such as a dog, boar or swan.

Speed: 8
Melee: +2
Accuracy: +0
Defence: 14
Courage: 0
Health: 15
Experience Points: 1
Attributes: Clockwork Heart, Inexhaustible, Mainspring

LARGE AUTOMATON
A man-sized automaton capable of posing a genuine threat.

Speed: 8
Melee: +3
Accuracy: +0
Defence: 17
Courage: 0
Health: 20
Experience Points: 2
Attributes: Clockwork Heart, Inexhaustible, Mainspring

ARBALIST AUTOMATON
A man-sized automaton with a powerful, built-in mechanical crossbow (the crossbow never needs to be reloaded).

Speed: 8
Melee: +0
Accuracy: +3
Defence: 17
Courage: 0
Health: 20
Experience Points: 2
Attributes: Clockwork Heart, Inexhaustible, Mainspring

Clockwork Heart: Automatons are unthinking mechanical constructs and automatically pass all non-magical Courage checks. A Courage check caused by magic is rolled against Defence.

Inexhaustible: Automatons are completely immune to Fatigue and never receive fatigue tokens.

Mainspring: Automatons are powered by tightly coiled springs. As their springs run down, they become less effective, eventually running out of power and freezing into immobility. At the end of each Turn, all Automatons lose 1 Speed, 1 Melee (min +0), 1 Accuracy (min +0) 1 Defence and 1 Health.


So there you go. If you end up using any of these ideas in your games let me know how it goes!

Edit: While I’ve based my Automatons on real 18th century creations such as the Digesting Duck, Silver Swan and Mechanical Turk I suddenly remembered that the 2006 Doctor Who episode The Girl in the Fireplace features clockwork robots invading the Palace of Versailles. The Exterminate! miniature game has figures for these that would look great in a game of Silver Bayonet, but they’re 1:48 scale, so a bit too big, damnit!

These would be great, except they’re too big. Giant Automatons anyone?

Southward Ho!

Once a year I have a checkup with my sleep apnea specialist, and during said appointment he invariably asks if I’ve informed the Department of Transport about the drugs I’m on, prompting the following exchange…

Me: I don’t have a drivers license

Him: But… what if you want to go to Bunbury?

I suppose I could say that don’t need to go to Bunbury because the prescription he gives me meets all my amphetamine needs, but that would just be crass.