Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix Vol 2.5

It has recently come to my attention that filming for Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 has concluded and – in what can only be described as an appalling lapse of judgment – director James Gunn has failed to consult me on what retro songs should be used on the soundtrack. It’s inconceivable! What is the man thinking?

In the face of such madness I have no option but to post the songs that should be featured, in the hopes that Mr Gunn comes to his senses. So please enjoy what I am calling the completely unofficial Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix Vol 2.5!

1: Run Runaway – Slade

It’s axiomatic that the opening scene of a Guardians film needs a kickass track and what’s more kickass than the rumbling drums and wailing guitars of Slade’s faux-Scottish anthem about fleeing in terror (and – for some reason -chameleons)? Hell, open the film by having the Guardians fleeing in terror from space chameleons, it’ll be downright diagetic! (Note: I may not actually understand what ‘diagetic’ means).

2: Our Man in London – CCS

Not only does this have exactly the kind of swinging big band sound the Guardian soundtracks are famous for, the lyrics talk about rocket ships and space-age heroes. It’s a natural inclusion!

3: Zero – Alastair Riddle

Is there anything more retro-futuristic than synthwave? Yes! The synthpop music of the 80s that synthwave attempts to imitate! And is there any synthpop more synth or more pop than hand crafted New Zealand synthpop? I say no, and offer this unfairly obscure gem by the David Bowie of West Auckland, Alastair Riddell, as proof!

4: Sugar Baby Love – The Rubettes

Every Awesome Mix needs a love song, and what better than this ridiculous bubblegum confection? Half the lyrics are “Bop Shawady, Bop Shawady-wady” and what could be more Guardians than that?

5: Prologue and Twilight – ELO

This would have worked spectacularly well at the start of Avengers: Endgame where Captain Marvel rescues Tony and Nebula, but the Russos unaccountably chose not to consult me. So I’m offering it to Mr Gunn instead. I mean Mr Blue Sky worked great in Volume 2, didn’t it? You can never have too much ELO!

OK, so that’s just five songs, but they’re five awesome songs, perfectly suited for the final installment of the Guardians trilogy. And on top of that I don’t work for free! If Mr Gunn wants to hear the rest of my suggestions (which definitely exist) we’ll have to strike some kind of deal. Have your people call my people James, I’m sure we can work this out!

A Baneblade on the Roof

His name is Mal-Mal-Malcador!
The greatest Sigillite!

No treasure too old, no psyker too bold,
Who’s that!? Malcador the Sigillite!

Well hello there! I’m Malcador, the last surviving member of the Ancient Order of the Sigillites. My friends call me ‘Mal’ but you can call me First Lord of Terra and second in command of the Imperium of Man. I make sure the Emperor’s will is done – when the big E says ‘jump’ we don’t even bother asking how high! (If we get it wrong he’ll let us know!) But it’s not all work, work, work in the Emperor’s service, no siree! We know how to have a good time too – isn’t that right Horus?

MalM-Malal

Oh don’t mind him! He’s just trying to pronounce the name of one of the Lost Primarchs. Keep at it Horus, you’ll get it one day! Yes, we inhabitants of the Imperial Palace work hard, but we also play hard! As my good friend Constatin Valdor will agree! Get over here Constantin!…

Year’s End Wrap-Up

What foods are surprisingly healthy?
The flesh of the giant aquatic Brazilian centipede

What is the fear of the common folk?
The Wolf, the Devil and the Northman

What are your thoughts on Kangaroos?
Tasty if properly prepared

Do people really leave shoes on inside private homes? If so, why?
Well, you see the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

How is Pete Davidson even remotely funny, entertaining or famous?
How dare you criticise the fifth Doctor that way!

If you were Santa, what would you have named your reindeer?
Slayer
Pantera
Megadeth
Metallica
Black Sabbath
Dio
Judas Priest
Enya

What is the sexiest sport and why?
Brockian Ultra-Cricket. If it’s not sexy as hell why do they build those giant walls around the stadiums to stop us from watching?

What are polite ways of insulting someone without using curse words?
“You, sir, are a pathetic excuse for a hotel manager!”

What is the best thing to have ever happened in the world?
Fabio getting hit in the face with a goose on a roller coaster.

What do you call a corporate mascot that betrays it’s own fate (e.g. a happy pig advertising a BBQ)?
A class traitor!

What never fails to make your blood boil?
Temperatures in excess of 100 C

Who wants to play fort?
Me! Strange objects fall from the sky because they’re stored in an anti-gravity zone I call the Super Sargasso Sea and furthermore…
Oh, sorry. Wrong kind of Fort.

If you had adequate financial resources, how many kids would you like to have?
If I had the financial resources to have a kid, I’d get a fish instead. They’re a lot less work.

Which actor is perfect for a role like Batman?
Gilbert Gottfried. “I am the NIIIIIGHT!!!

What is most annoying thing or concept of 2021?
I would like to monetize your question as an NFT

According to the simp ideology, what exactly makes a female immune to being wrong about anything?
Now listen. No one will ever take you seriously if you use terms like ‘simp’

What’s your trick to get laid?
I sit back and wait for the ladies to come to me! It’s gonna work any year now!

Where did we come from? Who created the creator(s)?
I dunno. The Coast Guard?

What is your favorite time zone?
Old fashioned Saudi Arabian solar time! Reset your clock to midnight at sunset every day and screw the consequences!

Ex nihilo nihil fit
Parmenides, stop telling the universe what to do!

Who killed JFK?
JFK killed JFK. There was time travel, a robot, and a humanoid creature evolved from a house cat involved. It was complicated.

What is the squirrel in your pants doing?
That’s the squirrel’s business, not mine.

What is an omega male?
Something made up by people who inexplicably believe that a fatally flawed description of wolf behaviour applies to human beings.

What happens in the mens’ bathroom? Anything particularly special?
In the mens’ bathroom…

What would be a good name for the prank where a bunch of teenagers sneak up to drive through window and spray a bunch of bear mace inside and run off laughing while one of their friends records from inside for social media?
Conspiracy to commit Criminal Assault

Who should be the next James Bond?
Gilbert Gottfried “Shaken not STIRRRRED!!!

What screams upstairs all night?
Nothing. Did you forget to take your medication again?

What is the biggest red flag you’ve seen on a first date?
Well there was that time I met up with a girl at an exhibit on the Soviet Union…

Which way do you turn a doorknob?
One way, and then if that doesn’t work, the other way.

Where is your Elf on the Shelf currently?
Burning in Hell along with all the other surveillance state snitches.

What are your predictions for 2022?
The sky will crack open and Liberace – 40 feet tall and luminous – will descend on a silver staircase and play the greatest hits of Macklemore on a steam calliope the size of the Queen Mary.

What do you think of waffle cones?
I think it’s good that they figured out how to make artificial ones so they didn’t have to keep harvesting them from quornimals.

Why do you hate Caillou so much?
God hates him enough to give him cancer. Who am I to argue?

Do you think your country would be a better place if your representatives could have fist fights?
It worked for Taiwan!

What are your views on “Climate Change”?
Can you have a ‘view’ on established fact?

If you could eat anything in the world right now, what would you eat?
The heart of a king!

What are some ways we can prevent white genocide?
You can start by getting off Telegram and joining the real world.

How are Elon Musk and Tony Stark different?
I’m not aware of Tony Stark ever calling someone who contradicts him a pedophile.

What’s the biggest mistake rookies make during their first astral projection?
Talking to the machine elves.

A child asks you where babies come from. What is your response?
Ask your mother

What is your stance on making the bed when you get up?
All that does is create a haven for dustmites!

What do you think about the US Democratic Party?
The lesser of two evils

What is a song that is so funky it makes you say “Dayam that’s funky!”?
Sounds like you’re hankerin’ for some Lakeside!

What are your favourite things about living alone?
I can walk around the house nekked!

Why aren’t you following your dreams?
I’m waiting for Tyler Durden to appear out of the night and threaten to shoot me if I don’t.

Michael Myers is after you but you can’t go to the police or the hospital. Where would you run?
Dr Suess’s house. After The Cat in the Hat they set up 24 hour armed security to stop him getting in and making any more movie adaptions.

What thing is not worth paying attention to?
The Manosphere

What are more complicated versions of the trolley problem?
Replace the people on the tracks and in the trolley with simultaneously alive and dead cats sealed in boxes.

Who do you think will be the new Prime Minister of Canada in 2023 if Justin Trudeau steps down?
Yukon Cornelius

What celebrity screams future murderer?
Frankie Muniz. “Memory issues” huh? Very convenient…

What would you do if your neighbour asked to lick your feet?
Call the police.

Realistically, what do you think a Necrocratic government would be like?
Bulk ouija board requisitions for the Civil Service.

You have the chance to change one animals name, which animal? what would you change it to?
Hedgehogs will henceforth be named “Spike Chil’en”.

What are your thoughts on all the genders out there?
Gender is made up, so why not custom-craft your own?

What crime is always ok to commit?
Punching Nazis

What are your hangover cures?
You can never be hungover if you’re never sober!

Whats the most rebellions thing yoh did as a kid?
Who is Yoh and why do you assume that I know anything about their childhood?

What TV show has been almost totally forgotten?
Mina Guldskor, a short lived Swedish adaption of The Greatest American Hero that ran for half a season in 1984. Its theme song did go on to win Eurovision though, which is something at least.

What is your opinion on the white lighter celebrity conspiracy?
There’s only one White Lighter and that’s Brian Krause!

How do you confess to a girl that you like her?
I leave a brief and ambiguous note then retire to a reinforced concrete bunker 500 feet underground in a neighboring country where I curl up into a fetal ball and rock back and forth in a corner while hyperventilating for at least four months.

What are the benefits of having one arm?
Automatic pre-selection for when the drummer from Def Leppard retires.

How do you kill a tree so it looks like nature did it?
Call up the local cops and tell them about your plans. They’ll be able to provide all kinds of useful advice!

What’s a random fact you’re just waiting to bust out?
David Farrant and Sean Manchester are the only two people officially declared to be “1970s weirdos” by the British Office of Communications.

You can make any Avenger pregnant to add drama to any of the MCU films. Which Avenger is it and in what movie?
One of Bruce Banner’s experiments goes seriously wrong in 2023’s The Fertilizable Hulk

Skeptics, how do you explain (reputable) psychics and mediums?
Find one that’s actually reputable and we can talk.

What do you need to get off your chest?
The withered, pale, monkey-like thing that squats there all night while I’m trying to sleep.

What is the origin of milk?
Milk is produced by wasps repeatedly chewing up then regurgitating wood.

How did you get over the perfect match?
I never have. Why can’t more gameshows feature wise-cracking robots?

What do you call a male lady bug?
Gary

How much attention do you pay to the cycles of the Moon when planning your week ahead?
The moon? I ain’t no salmon!

What idea of Europe do you have?
A bunch of tiny countries, all wedged together, trying to do their best.

You discover the gate to Hell, what do you do?
Charge admission!

What country do you think is making content of worse quality as companies try to appeal to them?
If the big media companies don’t stop pandering to San Marino, I swear to god…

What goes through your mind when you hear someone say the word “cuck” as an insult?
I write them off my list of people to take in any way seriously.

Screw zodiac signs! What’s your starting pokémon?
Pokemon world is the world of the demonic!

If you could telepathically broadcast a message to the whole world at once, what would you broadcast?
Och… kill… Dagless… mon

What will trigger the Apocalypse?
Some Trumpist will do it to own the Libs.

What do you think King Alfred the Great would think of the United Kingdom today?
He’d be pleased to see how big it was, but pissed off that the royal family is French.

What’s the most wholesome conspiracy theory?
Dogs are benevolent interdimensional entities sent to guide us from the Element-12 timeline. Their innate wisdom has been lost by selective breeding but can be re-awakened by breeding enough mutts.

What are your thoughts on Michael Jackson appearing naked in your bed at night?
Is that the kind of thing that happens to you regularly? You might want to change rooms or something.

What do you think about the proposal to allow marriage with plants?
Who the hell let Poison Ivy into Congress?!

What’s something the elite doesn’t want us to know?
The average car will run on consommé, but you have to be careful about getting parsley stuck in the carburetor.

Given how every AI experiment in public becomes a Nazi or hates people where do you see this tech going?
Using the internet to educate an AI is no different to using the internet to educate a human kid. If you don’t supervise it and give it context for what it’s seeing you end up with Logan Paul.

What is the name of the symbol on book cover of Irresistible forces by Danielle Steel?
It’s the sigil ‘odegra’ from the language of the Black Priesthood of Ancient Mu and means “Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds”

What is so bad about kpop?
Nothing. It’s just that it’s new, and it’s popular with kids. Therefore everyone who isn’t a kid any more hates it on principle.

What are your personal four food groups?
Cheese, Chocolate, Bread, Cardiac Medication

In the USA, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the 4th Thursday of November no matter how close it falls to the end of the month. What would be a better way to determine when to have Thanksgiving?
Surely there’s some kind of rodent that can be used to determine the appropriate time?

What’s the best thing to get at McDonald’s?
Out.

What says “Welcome to West Virginia” more than anything?
The Huntington Tarantula Parade!

What is the final concentration of ampicillin in the plates containing selective media – given that the volume of LB in the plate is 25 mL, the stock concentration of ampicillin is 100 mg/mL and you add 25 ul of this to each plate?
Pepsi?

What’s the most absurd hospital bill you’ve ever received?
Bill? I live in a country with a real health care system.

How are Cheese-Itz so good?
They’re manufactured from skin scrapings harvested from an alien being captured by John Harvey Kellogg in 1871. The already mentally unstable Kellogg was badly affected by the exotic radiation emitted by the creature, leading him to conclude that it was an angel and that consuming its flesh could cure ‘the vile sickness of onanism’. While most of Kellogg’s original alien-based recipes are no longer followed, “Angel-Scrapin’s” were added to Cheez-Its after the brand was acquired by the Kellogg Company in 2001, causing a boom in sales due to their highly addictive nature. The ‘angel’ has kept in a secure facility – designed by Enrico Fermi – beneath Kellogg’s Battle Creek headquarters since 1947.

Which Generation became confused about Genders?
Whichever decided each person only has one, and that there’s only two options for it.

Why are comdoms flavoured?
They were originally developed as an emergency food source for the military.

What’s the dumbest way you could spend 1 million dollars?
Penny whistles and moon pies.

Which is QAnon’s most ridiculous belief?
That Donald Trump gives a shit about their welfare.

Should we be allowed to wear pajama pants at school?
No! If we don’t have standards we will devolve into beasts!!

People who say stuff like “out of sight, out of mind”… when will you get with the times?
But I gotta keep my body tight!

God gives you one power, what is it?
The power of… *consults Catholic Catechism* free will?! What a rip off!

What is something that doesn’t belong on earth and it feels too weird?
Deep sea spider crabs. Those things just ain’t right!

People who work or once worked at Disneyland, what is the creepiest thing you have seen there?
At night they let the real Mickey out. There’s a reason the park has a system of fortified tunnels.

What is the most disrespectful thing a wedding guest did that they mistakenly thought went unnoticed?
I invited this one guy to my wedding and he spent the entire thing outside talking to this crazy old sailor!

A Meal with God

A dozen turkeys,
Fresh orange peel and some veal,
Well kneaded dough and a dozen turkeys,
Do you want to hear about the meal I’m making?

You,
It’s you and me,

And if I only could,
I’d make a meal with God,
And I’d get him to set our places,
Be chopping up that cod,
Be chopping up that dill,
With no problems,

Come on, baby, come on, darling,
Let me seal this doughnut with you now,

Come on, angel, come on, come on, darling,
Let’s exchange the ingredients…

All the Knowledge of the Ages

What does sacrifice means to you?
Disaster for Samoa Joe

What is your ideal breakfast?
A dead bat in a tumbler of fresh squeezed orange juice.

What are some technological advances you are excited to see within the next 10-20 years?
The conversion of the poor into a cheap form of fuel (c’mon, We all know Bezos is working on it!)

Where is the best country you have visited?
The hour I spent at Charles de Gaul international airport was quite pleasant.

What is something you know that the government is hiding from us?
Dogs are benevolent interdimensional beings from the Element 12 timeline who came to Earth to guide us, but we ruined them with selective breeding.

You are allowed to commit ONE crime. No charges, no consequences and no one remembers. What do you do?
I wouldn’t actually commit any crime, but I’d make sure everyone knew I could commit a terrible crime at any second and get away with it.

What would be the best Game of Thrones spin-off?
Varys Eunuch’s Day Off!

If you could have any superpower what would it be?
19th Century Britain.

People who don’t like FRIENDS, why?
They drop all those hints that Ross is a serial killer then never resolve them!

Did you know that twerking is a sacred empowerment practice that helps to clear stagnant energy in our bodies?
I’m gonna need you to put down the bong and go to bed.

What can make anyone look cool?
Corpse paint and dark glasses.

How can people enjoy gardening?
Well you see, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

What are weird laws in the place you live?
It’s apparently illegal around here to go into people’s houses and take their stuff?! Like stealing is a crime or something?!

What’s your dirty little secret?
BOSCO!

You have the opportunity to have dinner with one person or being, real or fake. Who do you choose?
Andre.

You’re thrown into a pit with a giant snake but instead of attacking you it says “May I interest you in this tasty apple?”. What now?
I’d ask if it’s just an apple, or if there’s some kind of unnecessary metaphysical/mythic nonsense attached.

There’s no hint that the forbidden fruit was an apple
But there’s no hint that it wasn’t. One should be suspicious of snakes offering any kind of fruit.

Or you could just dismiss bronze age mythology as just that!
Well I would, except I’ve just met a talking snake, which suggests that bronze age mythology may be more fact based than we previously assumed.

How are you preparing for the Climate Wars?
Eating crap and not exercising. I figure I’ll die before they become really serious.

When will other beings of the universe contact us?
When we apologise for broadcasting “Big Bang Theory” out into space with no warning attached.

What moment in a movie completely sums up how bad it is?
The bit in Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief that explains that the bad guys couldn’t find Percy because of his stepdad’s smell.

What’s one moment from a children’s TV show that has always stayed with you?
When the Night Garden got invaded and Igglepiggle was executed for being out after curfew.

You’ve got 10 seconds to say anything to the entire world population, what would it be?
“YOLO 840 research flat moon!”

Who is currently the majority whip?
Mad Joe Whippington, Five Time Winner of the Whippiest Whip contest at the Whip County Annual Fair.

What did you expect?
For the Representative skeleton to lodge an objection.

How good are you at the Spanish language?
Uh… Cilantro es el hombre con el quesa del Diablo?

What celebrity do you think smells really bad?
Does Pete Doherty still count as a celebrity?

What is considered safe but is actually very risky?
Scat singing. One of these days a Scatman is going to stumble upon the forbidden syllables that will end the world.

What gets billed as being relaxing but has the opposite effect on you?
Erik Satie’s Gymnopédie Number 1 makes me feel like someone is about to jump out of the shadows and kill me.

If you could order a scaled down pet sized dinosaurs, what breed would you like to buy and what are you going to name it?
An ankylosaur and I’d name him Abrams after the tank!

What would be on your rider list?
Ghost Rider, Knight Rider, Doomrider, Ghost Riders in the Sky, H. Rider Haggard and Die Apokalyptischen Reiter.

People who take blue colored pills, what’s it like not being aware of the Matrix?
It’s great! I no longer grind my teeth at night!

What do you believe your fate will be at today’s judgement?
I fully expect to be assigned for Testing To Destruction. It’s OK, I’ve lived a good life.

What is the fastest way for a 14 year old to double $5000 legally?
I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening? Plastics

What is your favourite TMNT?
The fifth turtle, Bosch. He didn’t feature in the series much because he had a wicked LSD habit.

What song would be good to sing slow and menacingly while cleaning, loading, and cocking a shotgun?
I like Aeroplane Jelly… Aeroplane Jelly for me…

What comes after snap crackle pop?
Cleaning up the bodies

What is your favorite assault rifle of all time?
The Xuanlong

Alumni and faculty of prestigious schools, what are some dirty secrets of these elite institutions that us plebs might not know about?
The people who live in the steam tunnels. Well, I say ‘people’…

How would you react if a another student’s head randomly exploded in your classroom?
I’d turn to the rest of the class and coldly say “And that’s what happens to those who challenge me”

What is the stupidest theory you know?
Horse paste will protect you from the deadly virus which is no worse than the flu and doesn’t actually exist because it’s a hoax.

What is something a teacher did that made you lose respect for them?
Claim that the fact that ice floats proves the existence of God.

Which is the most anticipated movie of 2021?
Lindsey And Leon Go To A Roller Disco

What are the powers (mentioned in the 10th amendment) granted to the people?
Flight, telepathy, teleportation, heat vision and the right to keep and arm bears

There will be a demonic scream in the sky tomorrow at 13:47. What’s your response?
Eh! Just another day in Dunwich!

What happens when we construct one building for the whole of Earth’s population to live in?
Do you want Necromunda? Because this is how we get Necromunda.

What is the best way to describes someone that attracted to a girl but also attract with a man but not that much?
A human being

What things were men from 100 years ago better at than men from this current time period?
Whipping a disrespectful cad with one’s cane!

You are now the messiah, what is your message to the world?
“Just stop it! You’re ruining it for everyone!

What is Reddit and what are some of its unwritten rules?
A) A small town in eastern Romania.
B) Do not feed pierogis to the Mayor’s goats.

Why you are so stiff?
When 900 years old you reach, be as flexible you will not.

Which is the best anime?
Poku-Poku Corgi Explosion

Why, just why why why?
I don’t know man, I didn’t do it

What are some things you realized when you matured?
If I don’t like a song it doesn’t mean that it’s shit. It just means it doesn’t appeal to me.

What is the most difficult thing to throw out in your home?
This stupid statue that was here when I moved in. It’s made of some weird black-green stone and it looks kind of like a guy with an octopus for a head. Every time I throw it in the trash it just turns up on the shelf again! Crazy!

People who don’t drink coffee in the morning, how do you wake up?
Coke No Sugar is my chemical bilge-water of choice!

What’s the worst physical, non-painful feeling ever?
Some weird sensory cross-talk in my nervous system means that the taste of caraway seeds makes me feel like my skin is trying to slip off and crawl away.

What is your favourite song by a one-hit wonder that isn’t the one hit?
I Got the Message by Men Without Hats is a jam.

What is the most criminally underrated movie?
The Frighteners. Peter Jackson, Michael J. Fox and R. Lee Ermey

Any decoration ideas for a small bedroom for two teenage girls who hate pink?
Vantablack

What animal do you think you should be exterminated off the face of the earth?
The Sunda Stink Badger

Why?
We don’t need no stinking badgers!

If humans farted on each other to assert dominance, what would society be like?
The living would envy the dead.

What would you do in order to be remembered for the rest of history?
Burn down some great public building!

If you could add one amendment to the US constitution what would it be and why?
“A series of poorly regulated ursine atrocities being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and arm Bears shall not be infringed.”

What if the placebo effect isn’t the effect of evolution, but the cause?
That doesn’t even begin to make sense.

What is the sexiest language?
German! RAUS AUS MEINER VERDAMMTEN KNEIPE, DU DRECKIGES, STINKENDES STÜCK WALROSSSCHEIẞE!!! So sensual!

How did the first humans find out about sex?
When the Ice Age came everyone huddled together for warmth and one thing led to another.

If you had to eat a common household pet, which species would you eat?
A guinea pig. They do it all the time in Peru!

Where to buy smartphone screens in Switzerland?
Around the back of Basel Cathedral between 1:00 and 3:00am Sunday mornings. Stand under the elephant and ask for ‘Paulo’.

What would life be like if we lived in a joke?
Ministers of religion would spend most of their time walking in and out of bars.

What new nations/empires will rise and take over from the current ones?
The Great Aspergic Empire – in which neurotypicals will be sterilised and banished to labour farms in Antarctica – is due to take control of South America in 2463. Make a note in your calendars!

What’s the average penis size of Americans?
24 inches – note however this figure fails to exclude statistical outlier Penises Georg who lives in a cave and has a 14.4 mile long penis.

If you could partition any one country, which one, and what are the two countries now?
I’d split North Macedonia into South North Macedonia and North Macedonia2

Who is worthy of wielding Thor’s hammer?
Mr Rogers

What is the negative side of being good to everyone?
Ayn Rand’s tobacco scented ghost follows you around muttering about societal parasites.

What do you miss the most from the 90s?
Not thinking that terrorism was a problem.

What’s one animal you’d give the ability to speak?
Pigeons, but they’d just recite Finnegan’s Wake at low volume 24 hours a day.

What was that one time you summoned The Slender Man like?
It was cool. We had a few beers and discussed kids these days.

What are you searching for?
A heart of gold. I’m getting old though.

What is one thing you wish never existed?
Zinc!

But Zinc is used in many important things!
Come back Zinc! Come back Zinc!

We get a movie about a President’s term in office a few decades afterwards, so who will play Donald Trump?
I’m sure Weta Workshops will be able to CGI something appropriate on top of Andy Serkus.

What do you think about the US becoming a Latin country?
If that means togas, I’m in!

If you were Jeff Bezos what would you be doing tomorrow?
Starting a research program into surgically implanted urinary catheters that could be hooked up to a central wastewater hub so I don’t have to pay for all those lazy Amazon warehouse staff taking pee breaks.

People who browse the Dark/Deep web regularly, What is the most disturbing thing you have seen there?
There are these things called “Pink Rooms” which is where they have a webcam in a room somewhere and the room is full of hedgehogs and you can pay bitcoins to have people come in and feed and play with the hedgehogs. It’s chilling!

What is the meaning of life?
A 1983 movie by Monty Python. Not their best work, but the accompanying The Crimson Permanent Assurance short is a work of genius.

If you had to live the rest of your life as a werewolf what would you do?
Dance!

How do you get rid of a blocked nose?
With an angle grinder

What are some benefits of wearing a mask besides reducing the spread of the plague?
You can sing King George’s song from Hamilton at the bus stop and no one in the passing cars will be able to tell.

British and American people, do you feel any responsibility for what your country has done to Afghanistan?
Don’t forget the Australians!

Which serial killers suffered from mental illness?
Richard Chase thought Nazis were drying up his blood by putting poison in his soap dish and killed a bunch of people to drink their blood as a replacement, so I think he probably qualifies.

If you could bring one person back to life, who would it be?
The person who first figured out how to smelt metal. I’d take them to Shibuya Crossing in Tokyo and say “See what you did!?”

Considering China is being such a jerk to everyone, why doesn’t the rest of the world recognise Taiwan?
Do you want World War III? Because that’s how you get World War III.

Why do Irish people hate England?
About a thousand years of oppression and attempted genocide?

How would one find out the volume of an arctic fox?
It’s generally printed on the spine for easy selection when shelved.

If god gave you the power to change one thing in the world no matter how ridiculous it is, what would it be?
All cows would turn pink, give strawberry flavoured milk, and have my signature on their sides.

How do you survive a polar bear attack?
If you get to the point where the bear is actually attacking you, then you don’t.

What is one good thing about Mississippi?
It makes Alabama seem a bit less crap.

Your little oddities, what are they?
I will ask you not to refer to my children that way!

Who do you think Jack the Ripper was?
It’s well known that he was an insectoid alien seeking parts to repair the biological systems of his spacecraft. The stuff about “the Juwes” not “being blamed” was an extremely poorly worded attempt to offer uranium 238 in exchange for unwanted mucus membranes.

How did your or your friend’s pet hamster die?
Bloody Freddie Starr!

How can Trump lose weight?
Cut down to only eating one or two immigrant children a day.

What country is most likely to secretly be a super advanced utopia like Wakanda?
Iceland. Suspiciously small population living around the edges of a large island with nothing in the middle. They’re OBVIOUSLY concealing a highly advanced, volcano powered society in there!

You find yourself in Pompeii and there is no escape. What pose do you strike to baffle the future archeologists as much as possible?
I imagine my dental fillings will cause enough bafflement regardless of what pose I strike.

Road construction workers – why do you cut out rectangular sections of a highway every so many feet, only to then fill it back in with fresh concrete?
They harvest the bits of road with the highest concentrations of platinum group metals from catalytic converters and melt them down to extract the metal and live like kings! (Or at least that’s what many of us have heard…)

What does the US do better than the UK?
Incarcerate their own citizens!

What was the most inspirational moment of the Olympics?
Back in 1988 when they didn’t think the opening ceremony through properly and incinerated a bunch of doves in the Olympic flame.

People who have met 1800’s people, how did they behave?
They were very slow moving and mostly just interested in food. To be fair they were 140 years old. And a tortoise.

What is one video you know that definitively proves the supernatural to be real?
Proof that we share this planet with non-human intelligences

What’s the best folk song ever?
Whales are Whales by the Sensitive New Aged Cow Persons

What is the best piece of mental health advice you’ve ever received?
Your brain does not always tell you the truth – especially about yourself.

What is the best cat themed WiFi router name?
LANcat is LAN

Assuming one god exists: where is he/she/it located?
On a planet behind the energy barrier at the centre of the galaxy, as revealed in the Holy Scripture of Star Trek V – The Final Frontier.

Poop came out grass green, what does that mean?
You are turning into an Irishman. There is no known cure.

If the theory that we exist in a simulation was revealed to be true, how would you live your life differently?
I’d go on strike until the programmers provide me with some upgrades!

Who in your opinion is the most over-hated band, singer or musician?
Nickleback. I mean they’re mediocre as hell but they don’t deserve all the hate they get.

You have to cook one meal for Gordon Ramsay. What do you make?
A burger, and I’d follow the instruction video he put up a few years back.

When and how did you last flirt?
I wouldn’t know how to flirt with instructions printed on the girl’s forehead.

What is your opinion on Joe Biden now he’s had half a year in office?
I no longer tense when a news report starts with “American President…”, so that’s something.

If you had to go to school again, but you suddenly knew all answers. How would you prove you didn’t cheat?
I did know all the answers. I was insufferable.

Did they think you were cheating?
Not after the first few times. The teachers quickly learned I was “that kid”.

What did you do to impress your crush?
Rap the rap bit from the KLF’s Justified and Ancient really fast. It didn’t work.

You screwed up the rap?
No, I did it perfectly. She just thought I was insane.

What are some not so fun, fun facts about the human body?
You almost certainly have cancerous cells in your body right now. Your immune system will probably kill all of them before they spread any further and you’ll be fine. Probably.

What is the first thing you think of when you hear ‘Florida’?
That’s America’s wang!

You’re a casting director for a major motion picture. Who do you get to play the fictional President of the United States?
One of those “Rogue One” style digital resurrections of Paul Lynde.

You’ve just been invited by the AMA’s to perform at their annual function… which song do you choose?
The Final Countdown – but the Deep Sunshine version.

A Genie has granted you 3 wishes, what do you wish for?
A cheesecake, a second cheesecake, and take a fuckin’ guess!

If you could go back in time and do anything, what would you do to confuse modern day archeologists?
Dress dead dinosaurs up in giant American football helmets.

Who is the weirdest person you’ve met online?
I’ve never met anyone particularly weird online (by process of elimination that means it’s me).

What is your opinion about the trolls in Icelandic zoos? How would you relate human rights to troll rights?
It’s a fucking disgrace is what it is! The Peer Gynt Act should have been repealed decades ago!

How do you clean the blood off your penis after you finish peeing?
Chili powder dries it right up!

What would people post if social media was around in the middle ages?
WASHING is a PLOT by þe POPE!!! Eating burnt moles is þe plague cure ÞEY don’t want thou to know about!!!

Because people in the middle ages never washed!
Of course ordinary middle ages folk washed. We’re talking about the anti-papist, mole-ash theorists here!

What’s stopping you from loving yourself?
If I knew that I’d save a heap on therapy!

What did you dream about last night?
I woke up this morning utterly convinced that I’d come up with the perfect name for an ancient, corrupted city of evil! Once I woke up a bit more I realised that I had no need to name an ancient, corrupted city of evil, and even if I did “Catterpill” would completely suck.

How does a girl flirt with her crush and makes her crush break up with his girlfriend?
That is a terrible idea on every level.

Which is the most disgusting mammal?
Peter John Sexton of 432 Victoria Parade, Brighton, UK.

What is one reason to stay alive?
Spite!

How can the Hogwarts Express leave London at 11 and arrive in Scotland just in time for dinner?
Over-pressuring the boiler and skimping on safety features lets you get a steam engine going really fast. And it’s not like anyone actually misses the 30-50 House Elves that get broiled, cut in half by steam leaks or accidentally shoveled into the furnace each trip.

Why are all Australians so good looking?
As an Australian I have some bad news for you…

What are your beliefs and or superstitions about rainy days?
I believe that if it’s raining I shouldn’t have to get out of bed in the morning.

What’s the best way to spend 132 dollars in Las Vegas?
Pay hobos to dance for nickles

What is the TLDR of your country’s history?
Sixty thousand or so years of history and then some white fuckers turned up and tried to kill everyone.

What long dreams do you think bears have during hibernation?
I’m sorry to have to break it to you this way, but you’re a hibernating bear and your entire life to date has been a dream.

The entire population of Earth has been replaced with clones of you. What is now the greatest problems that the world is facing?
The imminent extinction of the human race due to the impossibility of two people of the same biological gender reproducing?

What is your sexual personality?
Is rocking back and forth in a corner screaming a personality?

You’re in a room with a locked door. You have a goose, a hairdryer, a lemon, copper wires, two AA batteries, and a ice cream cone. How do you escape?
Why would I ever want to leave?

What does a girl mean if she said “What would you think… about me having a child?”
It’s hard to say exactly, but I’d hazard a guess that she wants to know what you’d think about her having a child.

What are some Turkish jokes?
Recep Erdoğan?

What’s the first thing you would do if you were suddenly the only person on Earth?
Go to bed. I’ll deal with things once I’ve caught up on some of my sleep debt.

What is the worst sandwich you ever had the displeasure of eating?
An alleged toasted cheese sandwich purchased for actual money from a cafe that consisted of two slices of cold toast with a Kraft Single placed between them.

Monster? BANG? Red Bull? Which is the best energy drink?
Gau Jal – straight from the cow’s bladder to you!

People that have broken their penis vertically, how did it happen?
When Hagrid tells you sticking your dick in the owl is not a good move, believe him!

Why was Paul McCartney not asked to be in the Traveling Wilburys?
Tom Petty refused to let him in because Paul stole his sheepdog and then mocked him about it in song.

What is the best way to get rid of black heads and white heads?
Madame Guillotine does not discriminate!

2 Unlimited are Scared of Me

It is the nature of my defective brain that rather than preparing me for real world challenges such as paying bills on time, planning meals or having clean clothes to wear it prefers to plot out detailed plans for unlikely scenarios such as how to survive if every other human being vanished from the Earth for a year, what kind of palace to construct should I suddenly have the opportunity to construct a palace, or what I’d podcast about on finding myself stranded on a space station located at Lagrange Point 4 that nonetheless has excellent wi-fi.

As such I have spent much of the last week considering what tracks I would put on a CD to send back in time to the year 1990 to astonish, shock and confuse the inhabitants of that far off epoch. Having finalised said playlist, I happily present it here to assist in diagnosing whatever the hell is wrong with me (I’d put my money on maladaptive daydreaming, no matter what the DSM-5 may think!).

  1. What you Waiting For – Gwen Steffani
  2. Superfast Jellyfish – Gorillaz feat. Gruff Rhys & De La Soul
  3. Kill vs Maim – Grimes
  4. Lifetime Achievement Award – Lemon Demon
  5. We Appreciate Power – Grimes feat. HANNA
  6. Hey Ya! – OutKast
  7. Hung Up – Madonna
  8. Up All Night – Alex Clare
  9. Alligator – Of Monsters and Men
  10. Moskau – Rammstein
  11. nostalgic (luvsik) – renforshort
  12. Bangarang – Skrillex feat. Sirah
  13. Flesh Without Blood – Grimes
  14. Deutschland – Rammstein
  15. Super Hey Ya – Lemon Demon

So there we have it. A bit heavy on the Grimes perhaps, but who am I to deny the 90s her talent? Also I think it’s important that the 90s be warned about Skrillex – only YOU can stop dubstep!

(Actually I quite like a bit of dubstep)

Enjoy, or not, as the mood takes you.

Hiram Q Sepulchrave Esq.

The next time an online scammer asks you to send them photo ID please feel free to supply them with this carefully crafted yet entirely nonsensical United States drivers license, featuring the best photograph ever taken of everyone’s favourite pervert cult leader Tony Alamo and the signature of one Elvis Presley.

(Please note that Denys P. Wyrm and Wyrmworld cannot be held in any way responsible for anything that happens to you should you be stupid enough to try and use this mockery of an ID for anything other than confusing scammers)

Sweetness and Light

In these times of plague and disaster, who better to turn to for help than an ancient snake god whose cult pretty much consisted of Alexander of Abonoteichus perfecting his ventriloquist routine?

Glycon, protect us from the plague clouds! And David Strassman!

Simply print out copies of this stylish icon of Glycon (aka ‘Sweetie’) and post them about your local area. Not only will your neighbours be extremely confused, but the ancient sock puppet himself will be guaranteed* to protect both you and them from any menacing plague clouds hovering in the vicinity!

If Glycon’s good enough for Alan Moore, he’s good enough for you!

(*not guaranteed)

I’m serious as eczema when I’m playing on my decks!

And, because why not, here’s another attempt at transcribing a Moped track. This time their incandescent version of Abba’s Dancing Queen (including a sneaky shout out to Snap!)

(By the way I’m not terribly excited about the shout out, the band Snap! actually included the exclamation mark in their name, making it rather difficult to discuss them in a calm manner. It was the nineties, we did things differently then.)

Dancing Queen – Moped

Two-thousand and four! You know the score!
Come on people! Let’s get busy with the fizzy!
Insane-ia-ism!

You can dance, you can dance,
Party people!
Having the time of your life,
I wanna see you shake your booty with a significant degree of confidence tonight! Yes!
Ooh, see that girl, watch that scene,
Digging the dancing queen,

In dancing queen!

Oh yes!

That’s right!

Friday night and the lights are hot,
Hangin’ with Moped give it all you got,
Little bit of fresh flavour, I’m gonna make you dance,
We’re in the mood for some trance,

Only Moped could be those guys,
I’m quite small while the other two are high,
Bumping in your disco, we’re coming in your ears,
In brand new underpants,

And when you get the chance,
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen,
It’s not eighteen but it’s legal!
Dancing queen, feel the meat from a tangerine, oh yeah!
Arrr-aargh!
You can dance,
Yes!
You can jive, having the time of your life,
You’re twisting the lemons man!
See that girl,
My lemons!
Watch that scene,
Whip it!
Digging the dancing queen,
Arrr-aargh!

Urrrrrrrrrrrrr!

You’ve got to push the groove and pump it up to the max,
We’re like a train to your brain laying down nineteen fresh tracks,
We’ll always run to the rhythm, get down with the flow,
We’re bigger than the Beatles! You do it – Darius!
Duh-uhhh,

Yes! That’s right!
I’m serious as eczema when I’m playing on my decks!

Huh!

You are the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen,
Dancing queen! She’s bootiful! Really bootiful!
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen,
Inhale! Exhale! Don’t forget to breathe!
You are the dancing queen,

Thank you! I love your English face!

And your butt,

Sweet Child of Moped

It is, in my opinion, a great crime that the lyrics to Moped’s various reinterpretations of rock and pop classics do not seem to be available online.

To understand Moped there are a few things you need to be aware of. For instance, the existence of Scooter – a German dance group who specialise in taking samples of other people’s songs, putting a dance beat behind them and then shouting random nonsense over the top.

It also helps to know that Scooter had a mainstream hit in 2002 with a piece based around Supertramp’s Logical Song.

And the final piece of the puzzle is that in the wake of Scooter’s Logical Song, some fun loving British lads created a parody group named Moped and sent a pastiche of Scooter’s style – based around Coldplay’s Clocks – into the popular Chris Moyles radio show, which inexplicably decided to play it.

And then Moped kept doing it, and the rest is history.

Anyway, I find their stuff hilarious and thought it was abut time their unique interpretations of the modern dance form got some love, so here’s my best attempt at the lyrics of their spectacular cover of the Guns N’ Roses classic Sweet Child of Mine.

Sweet Child of Mine – Moped

Yes! Moped are back, going back in time like Doctor Who! But we don’t have a TARDIS. But we do have a Talbot Horizon…

Oh-wo-wo-wo sweet child of mine!

This time we’re rocking for the UK Posse. Cream! Gatecrasher! Nexus Wine Bar! Crystal! And Joker! In between the kebab shop and the taxi rank!

Guns n’ Roses are hot, and it seems to me,
That we’re back on the remix in 2003,
Yes, Moped are phat! It’s satisfaction guarantee!
(Moped are subject to status, terms and conditions apply, ask for written details)

Now and then when I feel the base,
It takes me away to that raving place,
And if I rave too long, I’ll probably miss my last bus and it’s a long walk back to Battenburg let me tell you…

Yes!

Oh-oh-oh sweet child of mine,
Irritation for the nation!
Oo-oo-oo sweet love of mine,
Mmmmm-nice!

She’s got flavour and she’s all gravy,
But I’ve absolutely no idea what that means, and, and now I’ve missed my place in the verse, and, I’ll catch up, it’s coming up in a little bit there, eh, here we go!

Her hair reminds me of the one safe place,
Like Ibiza or Clacton-on-Sea,
We go there all of the time you know,
To get fresh with the Moped Posse,

Here we go!

Oh-oh-oh sweet child of mine,
Fresh with the flavour!
Oo-oo-oo sweet love of mine,
Freestyle! Key-change!

Oh-oh-oh sweet child of mine oh-oh-oh!
Bring back thats beats!
Oo-oo-oo sweet love of mine,
Moonshanka!

Arrr-agh!

I’m the wide runner, I’m the big hitter,
You can’t get better than quick-fit fitter,
Up, fork, you know the score,
Don’t leave towels on the bathroom floor,
Clunk, click, Chas and Dave,
UK Posse gonna hear me rave,
I’m the rhythm police, the baseline protector,
When I say ‘bo’ you say ‘selector’,
Hick, schlep, bacon and eggs,
Guns N’ Roses, they have legs,
I’m the lord of the dance, I’m hung like fire,
This Moped vibe gonna take you higher,
I-I-I-I can’t find my way out of the recording studio, where do we go now?

Arrr-agh!

Real mega-nice!

Where do we go?

Get fresh with this!

Where do you go kids?

Sweet child! Of moped!

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!