Fun Fact: The Escape Club’s “Wild Wild West” (1988) is the only video clip ever banned by the BBC for depiction of Biblically accurate angels.
Category: Silliness and Randomness
The Torgo Test
Take the following test to see if you are Torgo!
How big are your knees?
A: Average
B: Large
C: Huge
D: So big I can hardly walk
How often do you repeat your sentences?
A: Never
B: Occasionally
C: Frequently
D: All the time… All the time…
What sized dogs do you like?
A: Small
B: Medium
C: Large
D: Frighteningly Huge
What would be your favoured form of accoutrement?
A: A nice pair of shoes
B: A battered, wide-brimed hat
C: Baggy trousers with plenty of knee room
D: A creepy staff with a skeletal hand on the top
Where is the Master?
A: Who?
B: Dead
C: Dead, but not as we know death
D: The Master is Away
How often do you often hear an annoying, jangling, repetitive musical phrase?
A: Never
B: Occasionly
C: Constantly, and it’s driving me nuts!
D: Constantly, for such is the will of the Master
SCORING
Mostly As: You are not Torgo.
Mostly Bs: You are not Torgo. Yet.
Mostly Cs: You might be Torgo.
Mostly Ds: You should be looking after the place while the Master is Away! Not taking online tests!
Behold!!! The Pigbat
Spinning in My Head
Herein follows a list of strange and random phrases that my brain has accumulated from sources both common and obscure over the many years it has been operating in this, the most irritating of all worlds.
At any given time it’s a fair bet that at least one of these rubrics is bouncing around inside my skull, getting in the way of my pretense of being any kind of normal or functional human being (and if it’s not one of these it’s likely a quote from The Simpsons).
Shall we duel with death machines?
That’s as may be, but it’s still a frog.
God. It is Danzig!
Stick. Your ass. Up. A pole. Today!
Dockside Bars?
GO you big red fire engine!
I HATE CWAZY PEOPLE!
May I beg the thanks of Birmingham?
As a goat releases milk!
DROOM! DROOM! DROOM! DROOM!
Bread is good for you.
Oh, what a simply ghastly place!
Teenagers with automatic weapons and boundless love.
Lamb-in-a-basket!
Tanned Legs.
Soup! Soup! Soup! Soup!
Why do you do it? POWAH!
Tabouleh no good for me!
It’d my personal hell, where I roast in my shell,
Like a TIGHA!
I just didn’t think you were ready!
He promised me marriage!
My hypothesis is gone to the devil!
Excuse me ladies. You’re scantily clad and have nothing to do with the narrative. Therefore it’s sexist.
Morgan Morgan founded Morgantown.
Minnehaha has been checking her urine!
You. Accuse. Me?
Bloody wolves chasing me through some blue inferno!
Corn! Rich! Luscious! Nauseating Corn!
Predator bird!
I’m MC Horse and I’m here to say, my two main lines are rope and hay.
Why would a cephalopod have a skeleton?
I’m a horse, I’m a horse, I’m a grumpy old horse.
Doom! Doom! Take us all!
Obviously!
GHOST!!!!!! GHOST!!!!!! GHOST!!!!!! .?
Give me liberty or give me death or feed me!
There are many excellent skin products you can use.
Weird Al Has Nothing to Fear
I’m a bat-pire,
Turn into a rat-pire,
Drink blood till I’m fat-pire,
Lioncourt Lestat-pire,
I’m a fang-pire,
Nosferatu clan-pire,
From the rafters hang-pire,
Classic monster gang-pire,
I’m a Vaaaaaaampire
BLEH!
*pipe organ solo*
Early Morning Musings on a Portrait of Kermit the Frog as the God Emperor of Mankind
Why’d I make so many sons I called Primarchs?
And why aren’t half on my side?
Konrad has visions, and Magnus illusions,
And Corvus just likes to hide,
Guilliman’s anal, the Lion loves secrets, and Vulcan is really tall,
Someday I’ll finish my webway connection,
And then I can dump them all,
The Darkoat
All Your Warhammer 40k Questions Answered
Q: What is that tube running into Horus’s nose?
A: Perturabo installed it so he can make the Warmaster smell burning toast whenever he’s being particularly annoying.
Q: Who did Dorn kill on Pluto? Was it Alpharius or was Omegon taking his place?
A: Neither. Alpharius killed Dorn, but then took his place. Theoretically you could tell Dorn-Dorn and Alpharius-Dorn apart because one of them had kickass sideburns and a moustache while the other was clean shaven, but which was which has been censored from Imperial records along with Malcador’s recipe for Chili Con Carne.
Q: Did Malcador really have an ancient toy rocket with С.С.С.Р. written on it?
A: No, but he did have an almost complete collection of Generation 1 Transformers. His notorious feud with Erda originated from her repeated refusal to sell him her Windcharger.
Q: Why does speaking Enuncia make your teeth explode?
A: It doesn’t. Everyone in the 41st millennium just has really bad dental hygiene.
Q: Were the Cabal correct about a victory for Horus resulting in the final defeat of Chaos?
A: The Cabal were all on crack.
Q: Even Eldrad?
A: Especially Eldrad!
Q: Why is Torias Telion still a sergeant despite over 300 years of service?
A: His wicked obscura habit makes him unsuitable for promotion.
Q: Is Elon Musk the Emperor?
A: The Emperor’s parenting skills are bad, but they’re not that bad.
Q: What’s the deal with Guilliman and Yvraine?
A: They’re loyal and devoted pen-pals, nothing more.
Q: Who would win in a volleyball match between Ravenor and Eisenhorn?
A: It depends on whether Eisenhorn is allowed to sub-in Cherubael.
Q: Is it true that you’re selling video tapes of Ciaphus Cain’s wedding night?
A: This interview is OVER!
Beneath the Opera House…
Newport
He thought he saw a Viking tower,
Erected on a hill,
He looked again and saw that it,
Was Benedict Arnold’s mill,
“I won’t claim it’s Chinese” he said,
“But Gavin Menzies will!”
