2 Unlimited are Scared of Me

It is the nature of my defective brain that rather than preparing me for real world challenges such as paying bills on time, planning meals or having clean clothes to wear it prefers to plot out detailed plans for unlikely scenarios such as how to survive if every other human being vanished from the Earth for a year, what kind of palace to construct should I suddenly have the opportunity to construct a palace, or what I’d podcast about on finding myself stranded on a space station located at Lagrange Point 4 that nonetheless has excellent wi-fi.

As such I have spent much of the last week considering what tracks I would put on a CD to send back in time to the year 1990 to astonish, shock and confuse the inhabitants of that far off epoch. Having finalised said playlist, I happily present it here to assist in diagnosing whatever the hell is wrong with me (I’d put my money on maladaptive daydreaming, no matter what the DSM-5 may think!).

  1. What you Waiting For – Gwen Steffani
  2. Superfast Jellyfish – Gorillaz feat. Gruff Rhys & De La Soul
  3. Kill vs Maim – Grimes
  4. Lifetime Achievement Award – Lemon Demon
  5. We Appreciate Power – Grimes feat. HANNA
  6. Hey Ya! – OutKast
  7. Hung Up – Madonna
  8. Up All Night – Alex Clare
  9. Alligator – Of Monsters and Men
  10. Moskau – Rammstein
  11. nostalgic (luvsik) – renforshort
  12. Bangarang – Skrillex feat. Sirah
  13. Flesh Without Blood – Grimes
  14. Deutschland – Rammstein
  15. Super Hey Ya – Lemon Demon

So there we have it. A bit heavy on the Grimes perhaps, but who am I to deny the 90s her talent? Also I think it’s important that the 90s be warned about Skrillex – only YOU can stop dubstep!

(Actually I quite like a bit of dubstep)

Enjoy, or not, as the mood takes you.

Hiram Q Sepulchrave Esq.

The next time an online scammer asks you to send them photo ID please feel free to supply them with this carefully crafted yet entirely nonsensical United States drivers license, featuring the best photograph ever taken of everyone’s favourite pervert cult leader Tony Alamo and the signature of one Elvis Presley.

(Please note that Denys P. Wyrm and Wyrmworld cannot be held in any way responsible for anything that happens to you should you be stupid enough to try and use this mockery of an ID for anything other than confusing scammers)

Sweetness and Light

In these times of plague and disaster, who better to turn to for help than an ancient snake god whose cult pretty much consisted of Alexander of Abonoteichus perfecting his ventriloquist routine?

Glycon, protect us from the plague clouds! And David Strassman!

Simply print out copies of this stylish icon of Glycon (aka ‘Sweetie’) and post them about your local area. Not only will your neighbours be extremely confused, but the ancient sock puppet himself will be guaranteed* to protect both you and them from any menacing plague clouds hovering in the vicinity!

If Glycon’s good enough for Alan Moore, he’s good enough for you!

(*not guaranteed)

I’m serious as eczema when I’m playing on my decks!

And, because why not, here’s another attempt at transcribing a Moped track. This time their incandescent version of Abba’s Dancing Queen (including a sneaky shout out to Snap!)

(By the way I’m not terribly excited about the shout out, the band Snap! actually included the exclamation mark in their name, making it rather difficult to discuss them in a calm manner. It was the nineties, we did things differently then.)

Dancing Queen – Moped

Two-thousand and four! You know the score!
Come on people! Let’s get busy with the fizzy!
Insane-ia-ism!

You can dance, you can dance,
Party people!
Having the time of your life,
I wanna see you shake your booty with a significant degree of confidence tonight! Yes!
Ooh, see that girl, watch that scene,
Digging the dancing queen,

In dancing queen!

Oh yes!

That’s right!

Friday night and the lights are hot,
Hangin’ with Moped give it all you got,
Little bit of fresh flavour, I’m gonna make you dance,
We’re in the mood for some trance,

Only Moped could be those guys,
I’m quite small while the other two are high,
Bumping in your disco, we’re coming in your ears,
In brand new underpants,

And when you get the chance,
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen,
It’s not eighteen but it’s legal!
Dancing queen, feel the meat from a tangerine, oh yeah!
Arrr-aargh!
You can dance,
Yes!
You can jive, having the time of your life,
You’re twisting the lemons man!
See that girl,
My lemons!
Watch that scene,
Whip it!
Digging the dancing queen,
Arrr-aargh!

Urrrrrrrrrrrrr!

You’ve got to push the groove and pump it up to the max,
We’re like a train to your brain laying down nineteen fresh tracks,
We’ll always run to the rhythm, get down with the flow,
We’re bigger than the Beatles! You do it – Darius!
Duh-uhhh,

Yes! That’s right!
I’m serious as eczema when I’m playing on my decks!

Huh!

You are the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen,
Dancing queen! She’s bootiful! Really bootiful!
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen,
Inhale! Exhale! Don’t forget to breathe!
You are the dancing queen,

Thank you! I love your English face!

And your butt,

Sweet Child of Moped

It is, in my opinion, a great crime that the lyrics to Moped’s various reinterpretations of rock and pop classics do not seem to be available online.

To understand Moped there are a few things you need to be aware of. For instance, the existence of Scooter – a German dance group who specialise in taking samples of other people’s songs, putting a dance beat behind them and then shouting random nonsense over the top.

It also helps to know that Scooter had a mainstream hit in 2002 with a piece based around Supertramp’s Logical Song.

And the final piece of the puzzle is that in the wake of Scooter’s Logical Song, some fun loving British lads created a parody group named Moped and sent a pastiche of Scooter’s style – based around Coldplay’s Clocks – into the popular Chris Moyles radio show, which inexplicably decided to play it.

And then Moped kept doing it, and the rest is history.

Anyway, I find their stuff hilarious and thought it was abut time their unique interpretations of the modern dance form got some love, so here’s my best attempt at the lyrics of their spectacular cover of the Guns N’ Roses classic Sweet Child of Mine.

Sweet Child of Mine – Moped

Yes! Moped are back, going back in time like Doctor Who! But we don’t have a TARDIS. But we do have a Talbot Horizon…

Oh-wo-wo-wo sweet child of mine!

This time we’re rocking for the UK Posse. Cream! Gatecrasher! Nexus Wine Bar! Crystal! And Joker! In between the kebab shop and the taxi rank!

Guns n’ Roses are hot, and it seems to me,
That we’re back on the remix in 2003,
Yes, Moped are phat! It’s satisfaction guarantee!
(Moped are subject to status, terms and conditions apply, ask for written details)

Now and then when I feel the base,
It takes me away to that raving place,
And if I rave too long, I’ll probably miss my last bus and it’s a long walk back to Battenburg let me tell you…

Yes!

Oh-oh-oh sweet child of mine,
Irritation for the nation!
Oo-oo-oo sweet love of mine,
Mmmmm-nice!

She’s got flavour and she’s all gravy,
But I’ve absolutely no idea what that means, and, and now I’ve missed my place in the verse, and, I’ll catch up, it’s coming up in a little bit there, eh, here we go!

Her hair reminds me of the one safe place,
Like Ibiza or Clacton-on-Sea,
We go there all of the time you know,
To get fresh with the Moped Posse,

Here we go!

Oh-oh-oh sweet child of mine,
Fresh with the flavour!
Oo-oo-oo sweet love of mine,
Freestyle! Key-change!

Oh-oh-oh sweet child of mine oh-oh-oh!
Bring back thats beats!
Oo-oo-oo sweet love of mine,
Moonshanka!

Arrr-agh!

I’m the wide runner, I’m the big hitter,
You can’t get better than quick-fit fitter,
Up, fork, you know the score,
Don’t leave towels on the bathroom floor,
Clunk, click, Chas and Dave,
UK Posse gonna hear me rave,
I’m the rhythm police, the baseline protector,
When I say ‘bo’ you say ‘selector’,
Hick, schlep, bacon and eggs,
Guns N’ Roses, they have legs,
I’m the lord of the dance, I’m hung like fire,
This Moped vibe gonna take you higher,
I-I-I-I can’t find my way out of the recording studio, where do we go now?

Arrr-agh!

Real mega-nice!

Where do we go?

Get fresh with this!

Where do you go kids?

Sweet child! Of moped!

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

The Herkimer Pattern Chimera

And while I’m posting homebrew Warhammer 40,000 content, there’s this…

The Herkimer Pattern Chimera was created in M41.338 on the order of Lord General Casanova Herkimer who desired a suitably martial – yet comfortable – personal transport to be used for post-battlefield assessment and ceremonial occasions. In the centuries since it has become a favourite vehicle for high ranking Astra Militarum officers, Ecclesiarchy officials and the occasional Inquisitor who value its enhanced sensor suite, extra armour and luxurious interior.

The Herkimer lacks the multi-laser turret and lasgun arrays of the standard Chimera, retaining only a hull mounted heavy bolter for defensive purposes*. The passenger compartment lacks a rear ramp or top hatch, with entry and egress only via a reinforced rear door – it does however feature heavily armoured windows and an optical periscope for comfortable surveying of the battlefield. The vehicle’s extra armour is compensated for with a souped-up engine, and the enhanced communication and sensor suite allow the occupants to keep in touch with their base, or easily issue orders to their underlings.

Herkimers are most usually seen in parades or during the mop-up after combat, however some desperate commanders have been known to throw them into battle, where they can act as surprisingly effective makeshift command vehicles. A few more eccentric Astra Militarum commanders actually prefer to control their troops from a Herkimer, although they will typically receive (carefully muted) ridicule from the common troopers for riding around in a “General Jitney” or “Chicken Chariot”.

* The Heavy Bolter may be swapped out for a heavy flamer, however this modification is unpopular as it requires the drinks cabinet to be removed to make room for promethium tanks.

On the Diplodocus

Pagan Dinosaurs of the Cretaceous Period

The diplodocus has long been known as the most religious of all the dinosaur groups. While it was long known as an atheist, its scientific name means “to see,” and is derived from a Greek word meaning “to discern,” a reference to the way the fossilised bones in its skull appear to pick up light from a nearby star as it glides across the sky. It’s even speculated that this ability helped it survive the extinction event that wiped out many dinosaurs and ultimately ushered in the modern era of the dinosaur world. There are some, however, who argue that Diplodocus was an especially devout member of the religious group as it was the only dinosaur to be a complete member of the group from birth, rather than being merely a juvenile that was left to its own devices. This would explain why the animal had so many other “religious” characteristics, including the unique habit of sitting on a rock and holding its tongue out, which was also believed to be the means by which it communed with its divine creator, the Great Architect of the Universe.

The fierce atheism of the triceratops is not surprising, as the species’ thick skull and neck are covered with thick, bony plates. Some experts have speculated that the thick plate might have allowed the triceratops to hold its breath during deep dives, but this remains unproven. Another theory, based on a study by Dr. Jonathan Caulkins, suggests that the thick plates may have helped the animal with its ability to move its heavy body around by stretching the neck, which was so large that it could extend up to 30 feet during the breeding season. This could have allowed the triceratops to reach heights of up to 35 feet in flight.

Among other flying dinosaurs are the plesiosaur, the pterodactyl, the saber-tooth cat and, surprisingly, the ornithomimid, which was discovered in North America by a team of researchers led by paleontologist Michael S. Currie. Religious motivations, as one would expect, are not confined to this group either. In fact, the oldest of these ancient flying reptiles are known to have been some 300 million years older than the last dinosaur to be discovered.

The Vatican has been the site of considerable controversy over the age of the world’s first flying reptile, which some claim was an adult tyrannosaurus rex, which would have been about 160 feet long and 10 feet tall, and that is now thought to have been a member of the family of plesiosaurs, of which only one species remains.

The opinions of St Paul concerning ‘Thunder Lizards’ are also cited in the ‘Acts of Peter,’ a work of the ninth century by St. Ignatius, who quotes from the same writings of St. Paul (see below). The first dinosaur-like animal known to exist is known as ‘Pyrghisaurus lindermanensis’ and is described by St. Basil as being about 5 to 10 feet long and 2 feet wide, and weighing 100 to 120 pounds, with the skull being a bit like that of a horse. This species was described by St. Clement of Alexandria in his book ‘On the Genesis of the Creation’, written in the second century, when the first dinosaurs were thought to have lived.

Whatever the case, we can rest assured that religious dinosaurs like these are a thing of the past.

Things you might have Missed

What do you think about dropshipping?
The most efficient way to get boots on the ground from orbit.

You get to choose a supernatural creature or animal from a myth and it now exists in reality. Which one would you choose?
TSUCHINOKO REAL!!

How would you catch a Tsuchinoko?
Don’t catch the tsuchinoko! He need to rest!

What’s the meaning of ‘LDR’?
Shorthand for the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Robloxers.

What’s the best dog breed?
The common or garden Dachshund.

What can you add to Monopoly to make it more interesting?
Knife fighting!

To all the Disneyland freaks out there, why do you love Disneyland so much?
The leyline nexus under the carousel.

If magic was real, what spell would you try to learn first?
Accio BUM

What fictional food item would you definitely want to eat?
Grain-fed Pikachu steaks.

What would you do if you were a ghost?
Float around the White House, playing with Donald’s hair.

What state do you live in?
Constant terror.

If Jesus was a last minute candidate to be nominated for the Presidential election this year, what kind of ‘dirt’ would the two parties dig up and spread to stop him from winning?
He murdered two children, struck their parents blind and released dangerous predatory animals into an urban area! (The Infancy Gospel of Thomas is wild).

If Trump could push a button that would kill 500,000 Americans but would secure victory in the next election for himself, what do you think he would do?
Push it repeatedly, just to be sure.

Why do you post nudes online?
When I posted them on my mail box the police came around and had a long talk to me 🙁

What is your take on the end of the world tomorrow? Do you believe it? Is it just a wierd coincidence?
If the world actually ends tomorrow I’ll give you a dollar.

Imagine archeologists finding a perfect duplicate of the Lincoln Memorial in Australia dating 2000 years old. What would the reaction be?
I imagine Rio Tinto would be falling over themselves to blow it up.

For non-UK people: what do you think “fairy liquid” might be?
A substance used to preserve plastic bottles until they are required for Blue Peter craft sessions.

What we can do to grow tall after 18?
Develop a pituitary tumor

How did you lose your virginity?
It fell down the back of the sofa.

How would you react to waking up and seeing an old skeleton in your room?
I’d wonder what it did with all the young skeletons that should be there.

People who have slept in parks, what advice would you give to survive the night?
Wear something orange to avoid predation by the mole men.

What would be the difference between selling your soul to the devil or selling to an angle?
Depends on the angle. Anything over 112° will rip you right off.

That’s bullshit! 146° is honest, it just gets so much undeserved prejudice!
That’s just Society for the Advancement of Obtuse Angles propaganda!

What is the correct plural form of Manbearpig?
Manbearswine.

What’s the best thing about Shub Niggurath cookies?
They’re R’lyeh good and come 1000 to the box!

Anything else?
They’ll get you grinning from Iä to Iä!

How mentally stable are you?
I’m crazy as a loon!

How do you feel about the 2012 end of the world date being recalculated to next week?
I for one welcome our bloodthirsty new Jaguar Gods!

What is Donald Trump’s weight?
It varies depending on how many immigrant babies he swallowed at lunch.

What part of your body would you cybernetically advance?
My throat, so I could sing like Bobby Darin!

What’s the easiest way to be famous?
Burn down some great public building.

What movie caught you off guard?
Young Frankenstein got into my blind spot, clubbed me over the head and stole my wallet 🙁

What if we all adapted the Finland education system?
Drinking heavily and knife fighting?

What’s the first thing you do when you get into your hotel room?
Roll to detect hidden panels and doors.

What is the most scary fact you know about religion?
It was once seriously suggested that the rings of Saturn were Jesus’s foreskin.

If you were a bag of drugs, where would you hide in your house?
Nice try, DEA!

Where do rental car companies find these things they call windshield wiper blades? Why do they install them on every vehicle? Do they pay extra for these things that smear water like oil slick across the window?
They’re actually a kind of Romanian pasta which can be imported by the mile for tax credits.

With malls closing and retails moving online, what are some positive ways society could use those giant empty buildings?
Hobo Battle Arenas!

What’s cracking today dudes?
The facade I use to conceal my inner turmoil.

Who owns the money in public fountains?
By ancient treaty all money deposited in wells or fountains belongs to the Mole Men.

What would happen to the world if money wasn’t our mode of currency?
You’d get five chickens to the sheep and like it!

What would happen, if Trump got a time travel machine?
He’d waddle over a butterfly and next thing we know the Earth would be ruled by molluscs.

Wouldn’t that be an improvement?
Over him, certainly.

Why has Tom Cruise stopped aging?
Back in 1990 he was selected as the Chosen One of Scientology and the Body-Thetan of L. Ron Hubbard was grafted onto his soul in a dark and powerful occult ritual held deep beneath Mann’s Chinese Theatre. As such he can not only stop ageing at will, but also holds the position of a Bishop within the Church of Mars which gives him the right to drive over intergalactic walruses with a steamroller.

When did it start being DM’s instead of PM’s?
When Boris put on his robe and wizard hat

Dancing is now illegal, how does society change as a result?
Kevin Bacon becomes the hero we both need and deserve

What do you think of Sardinia?
Not a big fan of the cheese

What makes the Pokémon franchise such a success?
Pikachu sex appeal!

How do you feel, the shop owners when protestants broke up your business?
I wasn’t aware we were suddenly in 16th century France.

A curse has made one of your parents switch bodies with someone you find extremely attractive you must have sex with one of them or they both die. Do you let them die or do you have sex with one and if so which one?
What a strange scenario.

What are your thoughts on “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin?
The best song ever written on the subject of Satan’s toolshed.

Does it drive girls crazy that they don’t have dicks and why?
Sigmund? Is that you?

How do you eat Ice cream?
With enthusiasm!

What’s one food you wish didn’t exist and why?
London Flesh Pie. Hern meat should not be served in paste form!

What are cats doing when they stare blankly into the void?
They’re consulting the Akashic Records. Of course they never actually do anything with what they learn because that would take effort and they’re cats.

You now have your own personal Jesus, what do you make him do?
There are far too many fig trees around here…

My fellow Reptilians, what do you think about humans and their actions?
Their disgusting internal gestation process makes them far too attached to their offspring.

How do you talk to women that you want to have a relationship with without coming across as a simp?
Step one: Stop using terms like ‘simp’

If you found a death note, would you use it? And if so, how would you use it?
I would write “Christopher Walken” on it. Christopher Walken is immune to all death magic, and the resulting thaumaturgical feedback would destroy the death note for all time.

What do you think about Toronto?
I’m from Winnipeg you idiot!

What clothes do you own that make you feel unstoppable?
My top hat and cape. When people see that, they know I know what I’m doing!

How would you defeat Siren Head if you ever encountered him?
I’d just team up with him to release a mixtape

Do you find Mormons extremely attractive? Why?
Their teeth are so shiny!

What skeletons do you have in your closet?
I’ve got Ned Kelly’s skull around here somewhere

Why are you acting like this?
It’s in my nature.

Which voice actor looks exactly like character they play as?
Danny DeVito is in fact half man, half goat.

What would you want to see in the Percy Jackson remake?
Plot and characters that actually bear some resemblance to those in the Percy Jackson books.

What are teenagers of today missing out on that teenagers of the 1990’s didn’t?
Dwayne Wayne flip-up sunglasses

What’s it called when a man is attracted to lesbians?
Wishful thinking

People who use the Deep Web, why do you do it? Do you go for illegal activities or are there other benefits?
I go there for the Pink Rooms. They’re like Red Rooms, but they’re just full of hedgehogs and you can watch the hedgehogs and tell people to feed them when they look hungry.

People who put ketchup in water, why?
It’s cheaper than putting ketchup in mercury

What do you think The Matrix 4 will be like?
Unnecessary

Have you given praise to the Lizard King lately? Why or why not?
As a member of the Reformed Faith I offer praise to His Holiness incarnated in the form of Mr Mojo Risin’

What are your bad habits?
Well Frodo keeps breaking into the hole next door and stealing… Sorry, I misread…

What demons haunt your every waking moment?
Duke Saleos keeps sending me pictures of his crocodile. I’ve seen your damn crocodile Saleos!!!

What’s the standard price for a dwarf escort in your country?
Depends on the number of Dwarves and how heavily armed they are. A single beardling with a pickaxe will set you back 5 silver pieces a day. A team of five experienced tunnel fighters with steel link armour and double headed axes could cost as much as 150 gold pieces a day.

Unable to eat diarrhea?
I thought that was only a problem for parakeets?

What do you think is the hardest part of being a woman?
Giving’ all your love to just one man

What is your current view of the United States?
A fine country run by lunatics.

If you had the power to be invisible, what would you use your ability for?
Ruining Donald Trump’s sleep patterns.

What decade’s fashion aged the worst?
The 1660s were pretty rough

What do you think God thought when he was putting you together?
What he was going to do when he knocked off for the day.

How do you judge a person?
HARSHLY!

How do you kill a superhero for good, for real, without rebirths, etc?
Mess up their copyrights

What should a 20 year old do?
Get off my damn lawn!

What does the muffin man look like?
The Muffin Man is merely the three dimensional projection into our plane of a multidimensional horror, the true nature of which is incomprehensible to human minds. You may know the Muffin Man slightly – pray you never know him more.

If you were to invent a new genre of music, what would it be?
Not sure what to call it, but it would consist of the sound of heavy industry overlaid with deafening screams and Gregorian chants.

How do you get a baby to stop crying without a pacifier?
Whiskey!

Who will be the first man to climb Olympus Mons?
Abraham Lincoln already did it. That’s why they crowned him King of the Martians.

What are some types of things needed to be used to evaporate gravity in a multi variable sphere containing atmospheric stasis for habitable transportation to the next star and back faster than the speed of light?
A lot – and I mean A LOT – of weed.

If Natives can control animals and turn into them or whatever then how did we wipe them out so easy?
Old episodes of Super Friends are not actual history.

What is the scariest type of spider?
A sexy spider!

Why are you gay?
Because Seth Putnam told me I was.

Bob Marley shot the sheriff but who shot the deputy?
What if – and bear with me here – the Deputy shot himself!

Do you know how queen Elizabeth can live so long?
Spite. If she dies then Charles becomes King and she’s not about to let that happen.

Why is your mummy saxy?
I wish I knew. He keeps playing that thing 24/7, even when his bandages get caught in the keys.

What is your favorite type of pie?
The Jester’s Chicken Parmigiana pie was the greatest culinary achievement of our age, no matter what Justin McElroy may think!

You now have 2 fully functioning arms on your right side how does this effect your life?
GENESTEALER HYBRID COSPLAY!!!

How do you like your oatmeal?
Removed from my sight and thrown in the garbage where it belongs

You are the Japanese emperor. How do you save 2020 Olympics?
Summon Mecha-Godzilla! (The Japanese Emperor can do that, right?)

What prevents the U.S. government from abusing power or resources and becoming as corrupt as any dictatorship?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

What possession has been with you the longest?
Pazuzu has been hanging around in my brain for the last 28 years. I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE PAZUZU!!

If you could be an unmatched master at one of these and an utter fool at the others when it comes to huggin’, snuggin’, tuggin’, suggin’, or fuggin’, which would you pick and why?
I’m not even sure I know what “snuggin'” is.

Who is the most evil human being to ever live?
Donald Peter Keelley of Unit 4, 168 South Street, Brighton, East Sussex, United Kingdom. Were the press not too terrified to publish news of his vile excesses the world would recoil in a state of horror never before imagined.

Why is there no theatre in America?
Thomas Jefferson hated actors after he lost half his slaves to one in a poker tournament, so slipped a clause into the Constitution outlawing all theatre. Everyone at the Continental Congress was too hungover to notice until it was too late, much to the annoyance of Abraham Baldwin who was planning to perform his own version of Hamlet as soon as he got back to Savannah (he claimed to have “improved upon the originale grately”).

What do you know more about than anyone else in the world?
Gerry, the bisexual gnome who lives in my garage.