Peter: Well, it’s been almost a year now and it looks like Jesus isn’t coming back any time soon, so I guess I’m in charge?
Paul: I think you’ll find I’m the one in charge!
Peter: Who are you!?
Phillip: He’s that Saul bastard who’s been…
Paul: I’m Paul, and Jesus put me in charge!
Paul: Last week.
Peter: Last week!? Our Lord has been gone for months!
Paul: He appeared to me in a vision on the road to Damascus.
Peter: A vision? Seriously? And what did this ‘vision’ say to you?
Paul: That I was in charge.
Paul: And also that you were a bitch.
Peter: Why you..!
John of Patmos: I saw Jesus too!
John of Patmos: He was a lamb! And he had horns! And eyes – lots of eyes! And swords for teeth! And there was a dragon with seven heads and more horns! And there were living creatures! And four guys on different coloured horses and a woman standing on the moon and a harlot and then everyone had to run and hide in caves because all the water was poison and there were grasshoppers with human heads and a mountain fell out of the sky and the sky went away and there were angels blowing horns and did I mention the grasshoppers because they had human heads and scorpion tails and all the stars fell down and…
I chow down on a bowl of mari, Marinara, marinara sauce, Then just another bowl of mari, Marinara, marinara sauce, If you choose to down it hastily, It will tickle you internally, And I see nothing wrong with that…
The following bit of sub-par Giant Days fanfiction has been wedged in my brain for several years. I have had vague plans of drawing it, but I suspect it’s not really worth the effort, so I will instead present it here as a script (along with copious apologies to John Allison).
SCENE: Daisy’s room, Catterick Hall, first year. Daisy is studying while music plays from a portable CD player.
Enter Esther and Susan through door (dramatically of course)
Susan: Daisy Wooton, what is this noise?
Esther: Did Enya find a mellotron?
Daisy (picking up and displaying The Mollusk CD case): It’s not Enya, it’s Ween. Ed Gemmel lent it to me.
Esther (while Susan takes and examines CD case): You shouldn’t listen to people weeing Daisy, it’s not healthy for developing young minds!
Susan (looking through CD insert): It appears to concern a grown man talking to a young boy about his ‘mollusc’…
Fly, fly, pigeon girl, my beautiful pigeon girl, When I see you flying, I think about the birds in the sky, But you’re better than them ’cause you’re pigeon, And pigeon has much nicer eye,
You’re Maltese, Just like me, And like Nathan Buck-a-ley, And you’re also like that other Maltese person, Darren Gauci, He might win the Caulfield Cup, But I don’t mind, Because, All in all for me, You are my pigeon girl,
Fly, fly, pigeon girl, Fly for me?
This – I hesitate to call it a ‘song’ – was submitted as a theme for the Pigeon Racing segment on Triple J’s breakfast show in the early 2000s, despite the fact that the Triple J breakfast show did not have (and never has had) a pigeon racing segment. It has lived rent free in my head ever since.