Sunday

I was in the mood for a quiet pub lunch yesterday. Unfortunately I’d forgotten it was Grand Final day. Suffice to say I did not get my quiet pub lunch.

Rather than try my luck today I switched on the TV around noon and stumbled over Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. I remembered this as being legendarily awful so naturally decided to watch.

I was actually pleasantly surprised. It’s an 80s superhero film so it’s cheesy as hell, but it was actually very entertaining. What I did notice though is that it went completely to hell in the last 20 minutes. Nuclear Man sees Mariel Hemingway on the front page of the Daily Planet, heads downtown, is confronted by Superman – who somehow seems to know why he’s there – kidnaps Mariel (who can apparently breathe in space?), has a fight with Superman, Superman wins, movie over. It’s like there were a bunch of scenes missing – although given the movie’s perilous budget they were probably never shot in the first place.

Also on the subject of questionable 80’s movies I found myself sitting at a bus stop on Friday evening thinking about how much better *Ghostbusters II* could have been. I’ll see about writing my ideas up later this week.

The Torgo Test

Take the following test to see if you are Torgo!

How big are your knees?
A: Average
B: Large
C: Huge
D: So big I can hardly walk

How often do you repeat your sentences?
A: Never
B: Occasionally
C: Frequently
D: All the time… All the time…

What sized dogs do you like?
A: Small
B: Medium
C: Large
D: Frighteningly Huge

What would be your favoured form of accoutrement?
A: A nice pair of shoes
B: A battered, wide-brimed hat
C: Baggy trousers with plenty of knee room
D: A creepy staff with a skeletal hand on the top

Where is the Master?
A: Who?
B: Dead
C: Dead, but not as we know death
D: The Master is Away

How often do you often hear an annoying, jangling, repetitive musical phrase?
A: Never
B: Occasionly
C: Constantly, and it’s driving me nuts!
D: Constantly, for such is the will of the Master

SCORING
Mostly As: You are not Torgo.
Mostly Bs: You are not Torgo. Yet.
Mostly Cs: You might be Torgo.
Mostly Ds: You should be looking after the place while the Master is Away! Not taking online tests!

A Witness Statement

On Monday September 16th 2024 at approximately 5:20pm I was a passenger on a number 41 bus from Elizabeth Quay bus station to Bayswater railway station. I was seated on the right hand side of the bus, in the fifth seat from the back (which is my habitual seat). The bus was relatively full, but there were a number of seats vacant, and no one was sitting next to me.

From behind me I heard a male voice say “Give me your bag”. The voice was insistent, but the volume was low – I initially thought it was someone not wanting to be overheard while speaking into a phone. “Give me your bag” and/or “Give me your fucking bag” were repeated two or three times total, followed by “Give me your bag or I’ll punch you”, which made me realise that it was unlikely to be someone talking on a phone.

This was followed by the sounds of a brief scuffle, including a yelp in a female voice, and an individual in a camouflage pattern hoodie (Individual 1) passed my seat at speed, carrying a woman’s handbag. He was followed by a young man in a baseball cap (Individual 2). Both men reached the rear door of the bus, where they were confronted by several other passengers, at least one woman (not the bag’s owner) loudly demanding that they give the bag back.

I do not recall exactly when the bus stopped in relation to these events, but by this point it was stationary at the Lord St After Bulwer St stop. Individual 2 grabbed the window-smashing hammer from above the door, I believe in an attempt to operate the emergency exit release. By now I had risen to my feet and was taking photographs with my phone.

The rear door of the bus then opened and the two individuals fled, running northeast along Lord Street and turning left onto either Windsor or Lincoln Streets.

A young woman (who I believe to have been accompanying the owner of the bag) made an attempt to follow the two individuals, but was dissuaded by other passengers on the basis that she would be putting herself at risk of violence. There was a fair amount of discussion between the passengers, the driver and another Transport employee who was present having been riding in the front seat to the left of the driver. I informed this employee that I had a clear photograph of Individual 2, but he indicated that the camera at the front of the bus would have captured both of them.

It was around this point that individual 2 appeared back around the corner, carrying the bag. He approached the bus, holding the bag out, placed it on the curb about 30 metres from the bus, then fled back around the corner. A passenger retrieved the bag and bought it back to the bus, where the owner checked it an confirmed that nothing seemed to be missing.

I obtained the mobile number of the bag’s owner and SMSed her the one photograph that clearly captured the face of Individual 2. She and her friend then left the bus, and the driver continued on the route.

I took a total of four photographs, one of which clearly shows the face of Individual 2, and shows him (I believe) attempting to operate the emergency exit button on the door.

On Wyrms

Wyrms resemble muscular snakes about two metres long with trilateral body symmetry. They have three nostrils on top of their heads, three eyes, three mouths (although two are vestigial) and three finger like organs at the end of their tails. They have a substantially higher level of metaphysical (psionic) potential than humans.

Making things weirder they can shape-shift at will into a humanoid form that could probably pass as human on a dark night. When they shift they start out completely hairless, with no toe or finger nails, and with fish-belly pale skin and lips. Hair (including eyebrows and eyelashes) and nails grow in at a normal rate, but their skin (including their lips) darkens rapidly based on how much UV exposure they get. A humanoid Wyrm can jump three places on the Monk Skin Tone Scale in the course of one sunny day.

Wyrms in humanoid form have no external genitals, and no secondary sexual characteristics. Their skeletons are completely different to those of humans, resulting in their movement appearing ‘wrong’ to humans. A Wyrm visiting Earth typically uses a combination of prosthetics, makeup, specialised movement training and a lot of sunscreen to blend in.

The origin of the wyrm shape-shifting ability is disputed. Most researchers consider it to have been present prior to the Cataclysm (c4,800 BCE), but a vocal minority theorise that it developed as a mutation in the post-Cataclysm environment. A further minority theory posits that it was created via genetic engineering during the wars that led up to the Cataclysm.

Conversely a number of stories and folktales that can be dated back as far as 1,300 BCE claim that shape-shifting was taught to the Wyrms by a race of “pig-bats”, although no information is provided on exactly what a pig-bat may be. It has been pointed out that the phrase “pig that is like a bat” in ancient Aɞrwɓ̥1 (a post-Cataclysm language spoken on the Northern Continent) is pronounced similarly to another phrase that can be interpreted as “dimensional exile”, although this is considered nothing more than a coincidence by most linguists and historians.

Spinning in My Head

Herein follows a list of strange and random phrases that my brain has accumulated from sources both common and obscure over the many years it has been operating in this, the most irritating of all worlds.

At any given time it’s a fair bet that at least one of these rubrics is bouncing around inside my skull, getting in the way of my pretense of being any kind of normal or functional human being (and if it’s not one of these it’s likely a quote from The Simpsons).

Shall we duel with death machines?

That’s as may be, but it’s still a frog.

God. It is Danzig!

Stick. Your ass. Up. A pole. Today!

GO you big red fire engine!

I HATE CWAZY PEOPLE!

May I beg the thanks of Birmingham?

As a goat releases milk!

DROOM! DROOM! DROOM! DROOM!

Bread is good for you.

Oh, what a simply ghastly place!

Teenagers with automatic weapons and boundless love.

Lamb-in-a-basket!

Tanned Legs.

Soup! Soup! Soup! Soup!

Why do you do it? POWAH!

Tabouleh no good for me!

Like a TIGHA!

I just didn’t think you were ready!

He promised me marriage!

My hypothesis is gone to the devil!

Excuse me ladies. You’re scantily clad and have nothing to do with the narrative. Therefore it’s sexist.

Morgan Morgan founded Morgantown.

Minnehaha has been checking her urine!

You. Accuse. Me?

Bloody wolves chasing me through some blue inferno!

Corn! Rich! Luscious! Nauseating Corn!

Predator bird!

I’m MC Horse and I’m here to say, my two main lines are rope and hay.

Why would a cephalopod have a skeleton?

I’m a horse, I’m a horse, I’m a grumpy old horse.

Doom! Doom! Take us all!

Obviously!

GHOST!!!!!! GHOST!!!!!! GHOST!!!!!! .?

Give me liberty or give me death or feed me!

There are many excellent skin products you can use.

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