Adeptus Mechanicus Tech Support

“Your workstation is not equipped with a caffeine holder!”

“Sir, I need you to turn the cogitator off, recite the Third Canticle of the Omnissiah, then it on again.”

“Yes, I know you’ve already done that, but please, humour me and do it again.”

“Are you sure you’re turning off the cogitator and not just the holo-projector, the cogitator should take at least a minute to…”

“Sir, if you continue to use that kind of language I’ll end this call and inform the Inquisition.”

“Thank you. Alright, the cogitator is the large, glowing cylinder covered in purity seals beneath your desk. You should be able to see a brain suspended in the fluid.”

“No… the brain definitely should not have ‘mushrooms’ growing out of it. Are the purity seals intact?”

“Why in the name of the God Emperor did you remove the purity seals?!”

“Sir, that noo-mail was a hacking attempt from the Dark Mechanicum! Didn’t you read the security bulletin!?”

“Alright sir, disconnect the cogitator from the power feed and wait by your workstation. An Ordo Malleus support team will be with you shortly…”

Your friendly neighbourhood Ordo Malleus Support Tech

Year’s End Wrap-Up

What foods are surprisingly healthy?
The flesh of the giant aquatic Brazilian centipede

What is the fear of the common folk?
The Wolf, the Devil and the Northman

What are your thoughts on Kangaroos?
Tasty if properly prepared

Do people really leave shoes on inside private homes? If so, why?
Well, you see the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

How is Pete Davidson even remotely funny, entertaining or famous?
How dare you criticise the fifth Doctor that way!

If you were Santa, what would you have named your reindeer?
Black Sabbath
Judas Priest

What is the sexiest sport and why?
Brockian Ultra-Cricket. If it’s not sexy as hell why do they build those giant walls around the stadiums to stop us from watching?

What are polite ways of insulting someone without using curse words?
“You, sir, are a pathetic excuse for a hotel manager!”

What is the best thing to have ever happened in the world?
Fabio getting hit in the face with a goose on a roller coaster.

What do you call a corporate mascot that betrays it’s own fate (e.g. a happy pig advertising a BBQ)?
A class traitor!

What never fails to make your blood boil?
Temperatures in excess of 100 C

Who wants to play fort?
Me! Strange objects fall from the sky because they’re stored in an anti-gravity zone I call the Super Sargasso Sea and furthermore…
Oh, sorry. Wrong kind of Fort.

If you had adequate financial resources, how many kids would you like to have?
If I had the financial resources to have a kid, I’d get a fish instead. They’re a lot less work.

Which actor is perfect for a role like Batman?
Gilbert Gottfried. “I am the NIIIIIGHT!!!

What is most annoying thing or concept of 2021?
I would like to monetize your question as an NFT

According to the simp ideology, what exactly makes a female immune to being wrong about anything?
Now listen. No one will ever take you seriously if you use terms like ‘simp’

What’s your trick to get laid?
I sit back and wait for the ladies to come to me! It’s gonna work any year now!

Where did we come from? Who created the creator(s)?
I dunno. The Coast Guard?

What is your favorite time zone?
Old fashioned Saudi Arabian solar time! Reset your clock to midnight at sunset every day and screw the consequences!

Ex nihilo nihil fit
Parmenides, stop telling the universe what to do!

Who killed JFK?
JFK killed JFK. There was time travel, a robot, and a humanoid creature evolved from a house cat involved. It was complicated.

What is the squirrel in your pants doing?
That’s the squirrel’s business, not mine.

What is an omega male?
Something made up by people who inexplicably believe that a fatally flawed description of wolf behaviour applies to human beings.

What happens in the mens’ bathroom? Anything particularly special?
In the mens’ bathroom…

What would be a good name for the prank where a bunch of teenagers sneak up to drive through window and spray a bunch of bear mace inside and run off laughing while one of their friends records from inside for social media?
Conspiracy to commit Criminal Assault

Who should be the next James Bond?
Gilbert Gottfried “Shaken not STIRRRRED!!!

What screams upstairs all night?
Nothing. Did you forget to take your medication again?

What is the biggest red flag you’ve seen on a first date?
Well there was that time I met up with a girl at an exhibit on the Soviet Union…

Which way do you turn a doorknob?
One way, and then if that doesn’t work, the other way.

Where is your Elf on the Shelf currently?
Burning in Hell along with all the other surveillance state snitches.

What are your predictions for 2022?
The sky will crack open and Liberace – 40 feet tall and luminous – will descend on a silver staircase and play the greatest hits of Macklemore on a steam calliope the size of the Queen Mary.

What do you think of waffle cones?
I think it’s good that they figured out how to make artificial ones so they didn’t have to keep harvesting them from quornimals.

Why do you hate Caillou so much?
God hates him enough to give him cancer. Who am I to argue?

Do you think your country would be a better place if your representatives could have fist fights?
It worked for Taiwan!

What are your views on “Climate Change”?
Can you have a ‘view’ on established fact?

If you could eat anything in the world right now, what would you eat?
The heart of a king!

What are some ways we can prevent white genocide?
You can start by getting off Telegram and joining the real world.

How are Elon Musk and Tony Stark different?
I’m not aware of Tony Stark ever calling someone who contradicts him a pedophile.

What’s the biggest mistake rookies make during their first astral projection?
Talking to the machine elves.

A child asks you where babies come from. What is your response?
Ask your mother

What is your stance on making the bed when you get up?
All that does is create a haven for dustmites!

What do you think about the US Democratic Party?
The lesser of two evils

What is a song that is so funky it makes you say “Dayam that’s funky!”?
Sounds like you’re hankerin’ for some Lakeside!

What are your favourite things about living alone?
I can walk around the house nekked!

Why aren’t you following your dreams?
I’m waiting for Tyler Durden to appear out of the night and threaten to shoot me if I don’t.

Michael Myers is after you but you can’t go to the police or the hospital. Where would you run?
Dr Suess’s house. After The Cat in the Hat they set up 24 hour armed security to stop him getting in and making any more movie adaptions.

What thing is not worth paying attention to?
The Manosphere

What are more complicated versions of the trolley problem?
Replace the people on the tracks and in the trolley with simultaneously alive and dead cats sealed in boxes.

Who do you think will be the new Prime Minister of Canada in 2023 if Justin Trudeau steps down?
Yukon Cornelius

What celebrity screams future murderer?
Frankie Muniz. “Memory issues” huh? Very convenient…

What would you do if your neighbour asked to lick your feet?
Call the police.

Realistically, what do you think a Necrocratic government would be like?
Bulk ouija board requisitions for the Civil Service.

You have the chance to change one animals name, which animal? what would you change it to?
Hedgehogs will henceforth be named “Spike Chil’en”.

What are your thoughts on all the genders out there?
Gender is made up, so why not custom-craft your own?

What crime is always ok to commit?
Punching Nazis

What are your hangover cures?
You can never be hungover if you’re never sober!

Whats the most rebellions thing yoh did as a kid?
Who is Yoh and why do you assume that I know anything about their childhood?

What TV show has been almost totally forgotten?
Mina Guldskor, a short lived Swedish adaption of The Greatest American Hero that ran for half a season in 1984. Its theme song did go on to win Eurovision though, which is something at least.

What is your opinion on the white lighter celebrity conspiracy?
There’s only one White Lighter and that’s Brian Krause!

How do you confess to a girl that you like her?
I leave a brief and ambiguous note then retire to a reinforced concrete bunker 500 feet underground in a neighboring country where I curl up into a fetal ball and rock back and forth in a corner while hyperventilating for at least four months.

What are the benefits of having one arm?
Automatic pre-selection for when the drummer from Def Leppard retires.

How do you kill a tree so it looks like nature did it?
Call up the local cops and tell them about your plans. They’ll be able to provide all kinds of useful advice!

What’s a random fact you’re just waiting to bust out?
David Farrant and Sean Manchester are the only two people officially declared to be “1970s weirdos” by the British Office of Communications.

You can make any Avenger pregnant to add drama to any of the MCU films. Which Avenger is it and in what movie?
One of Bruce Banner’s experiments goes seriously wrong in 2023’s The Fertilizable Hulk

Skeptics, how do you explain (reputable) psychics and mediums?
Find one that’s actually reputable and we can talk.

What do you need to get off your chest?
The withered, pale, monkey-like thing that squats there all night while I’m trying to sleep.

What is the origin of milk?
Milk is produced by wasps repeatedly chewing up then regurgitating wood.

How did you get over the perfect match?
I never have. Why can’t more gameshows feature wise-cracking robots?

What do you call a male lady bug?

How much attention do you pay to the cycles of the Moon when planning your week ahead?
The moon? I ain’t no salmon!

What idea of Europe do you have?
A bunch of tiny countries, all wedged together, trying to do their best.

You discover the gate to Hell, what do you do?
Charge admission!

What country do you think is making content of worse quality as companies try to appeal to them?
If the big media companies don’t stop pandering to San Marino, I swear to god…

What goes through your mind when you hear someone say the word “cuck” as an insult?
I write them off my list of people to take in any way seriously.

Screw zodiac signs! What’s your starting pokémon?
Pokemon world is the world of the demonic!

If you could telepathically broadcast a message to the whole world at once, what would you broadcast?
Och… kill… Dagless… mon

What will trigger the Apocalypse?
Some Trumpist will do it to own the Libs.

What do you think King Alfred the Great would think of the United Kingdom today?
He’d be pleased to see how big it was, but pissed off that the royal family is French.

What’s the most wholesome conspiracy theory?
Dogs are benevolent interdimensional entities sent to guide us from the Element-12 timeline. Their innate wisdom has been lost by selective breeding but can be re-awakened by breeding enough mutts.

What are your thoughts on Michael Jackson appearing naked in your bed at night?
Is that the kind of thing that happens to you regularly? You might want to change rooms or something.

What do you think about the proposal to allow marriage with plants?
Who the hell let Poison Ivy into Congress?!

What’s something the elite doesn’t want us to know?
The average car will run on consommé, but you have to be careful about getting parsley stuck in the carburetor.

Given how every AI experiment in public becomes a Nazi or hates people where do you see this tech going?
Using the internet to educate an AI is no different to using the internet to educate a human kid. If you don’t supervise it and give it context for what it’s seeing you end up with Logan Paul.

What is the name of the symbol on book cover of Irresistible forces by Danielle Steel?
It’s the sigil ‘odegra’ from the language of the Black Priesthood of Ancient Mu and means “Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds”

What is so bad about kpop?
Nothing. It’s just that it’s new, and it’s popular with kids. Therefore everyone who isn’t a kid any more hates it on principle.

What are your personal four food groups?
Cheese, Chocolate, Bread, Cardiac Medication

In the USA, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the 4th Thursday of November no matter how close it falls to the end of the month. What would be a better way to determine when to have Thanksgiving?
Surely there’s some kind of rodent that can be used to determine the appropriate time?

What’s the best thing to get at McDonald’s?

What says “Welcome to West Virginia” more than anything?
The Huntington Tarantula Parade!

What is the final concentration of ampicillin in the plates containing selective media – given that the volume of LB in the plate is 25 mL, the stock concentration of ampicillin is 100 mg/mL and you add 25 ul of this to each plate?

What’s the most absurd hospital bill you’ve ever received?
Bill? I live in a country with a real health care system.

How are Cheese-Itz so good?
They’re manufactured from skin scrapings harvested from an alien being captured by John Harvey Kellogg in 1871. The already mentally unstable Kellogg was badly affected by the exotic radiation emitted by the creature, leading him to conclude that it was an angel and that consuming its flesh could cure ‘the vile sickness of onanism’. While most of Kellogg’s original alien-based recipes are no longer followed, “Angel-Scrapin’s” were added to Cheez-Its after the brand was acquired by the Kellogg Company in 2001, causing a boom in sales due to their highly addictive nature. The ‘angel’ has kept in a secure facility – designed by Enrico Fermi – beneath Kellogg’s Battle Creek headquarters since 1947.

Which Generation became confused about Genders?
Whichever decided each person only has one, and that there’s only two options for it.

Why are comdoms flavoured?
They were originally developed as an emergency food source for the military.

What’s the dumbest way you could spend 1 million dollars?
Penny whistles and moon pies.

Which is QAnon’s most ridiculous belief?
That Donald Trump gives a shit about their welfare.

Should we be allowed to wear pajama pants at school?
No! If we don’t have standards we will devolve into beasts!!

People who say stuff like “out of sight, out of mind”… when will you get with the times?
But I gotta keep my body tight!

God gives you one power, what is it?
The power of… *consults Catholic Catechism* free will?! What a rip off!

What is something that doesn’t belong on earth and it feels too weird?
Deep sea spider crabs. Those things just ain’t right!

People who work or once worked at Disneyland, what is the creepiest thing you have seen there?
At night they let the real Mickey out. There’s a reason the park has a system of fortified tunnels.

What is the most disrespectful thing a wedding guest did that they mistakenly thought went unnoticed?
I invited this one guy to my wedding and he spent the entire thing outside talking to this crazy old sailor!

Music Music Music Music Music (The last ‘Music’ is a Misprint)

I haven’t yet decided what I’m going to vote for in the Hottest 100 this year, but I have a list of candidate tracks and have thus decided to force them upon everyone while I make up my mind. So here, in no particular order, I present the UNQUESTIONABLY (by which I mean ‘extremely questionably’) best songs of 2021!

Let’s go dreaming of blue skies in California with BONES – TELENOVA

A bit of 90s post-grunge indie feel with SMILE – WOLF ALICE

The new theme for MBMBaM by one of Australia’s own. MY LIFE IS BETTER WITH YOU – MONTAIGNE

Some laid back, Beatlesque vibes with I’M FINE – ASHE

This is just straight-up good music. HOUSE BURN DOWN – KING PRINCESS

Always was, always will be. Sovereignty was never ceded. LITTLE THINGS – ZIGGY RAMO (feat. PAUL KELLY)

The kind of party track we could all use a bit of after this year. CLOUDY DAY – TONES AND I

We went to California earlier, now let’s hop across to COLORADO – MILKY CHANCE

When that base kicks in… LIVE TO SURVIVE – MØ

One of our best musical story tellers. BRUISES – RUBY FIELDS

The man deserves a good amount of the criticism he gets, but remember that he’s mentally ill, AND that he can still put out an amazing bit of music now and then. JAIL – KANYE WEST

So rude!! But it’s catchy as hell and that’s what matters. WET DREAM – WET LEG

Well it sure sucks to be you JOSH – PEACH PRC

A real soulful one here. NIGHTS WITH YOU – MØ

Another very catchy track. HURTS TO LOVE YOU – CARLA WEHBE

OK, now I’m off to buy some last minute supplies, fully masked as the virus has got into the state just in time for Christmas. Watch out! COVID’s about! But before that – given what day it is – I must follow my yearly tradition, even though it has nothing to do with the Hottest 100.

Happy Christmas Eve ya filthy animals!

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