Sleep Deprived Updates

Barely survived the first heatwave of summer. Not that it’s technically summer here until the end of the week. Thank you climate change!

The heatwave lead to sleep deprivation which lead to an odd obsession with Mike Batt’s musical version of The Hunting of the Snark. It’s very good but I’ve listened to it far too many times over the last week, to the point that I’m mentally throwing around casting choices and mumbling fragments of verse under my breath. “But at first sight, the crew, were not pleased by the view, which consisted of chasms and crags…”

This caused me to dig out my copy of the poem – purchased on a whim from Elizabeth’s bookstore in Subiaco in its old location out the back of the markets in around 1990 – and discovering that it’s one of only 1,995 collector copies of the Centennial Edition, published in 1981. I hopped online to check out the value and it’s worth about $100 in good nick – not that mine is in particularly good nick, and I wouldn’t consider selling it anyway. But it’s nice to know that it’s somewhat exclusive.

I’ve also become obsessed with building a 40k scale model of the epic Siegfried Light Tank. I’ve scoured the internet for photos (there ain’t many) and have managed to get a design together for every part of it except the back. I rather suspect I may have to buy one on eBay which while not massively expensive is still a bit of an investment for a tiny piece of metal. And for a model that – if history is any judge – I’ll never get finished. Although maybe if I spend money on it it’ll actually motivate me to finish it. Hmmmm. I wouldn’t bet on it.

Oh, and over the weekend when I was supposed to be getting other stuff done I did an update of my Warhammer 40,000 according to the Simpsons bit of nonsense. The current version is revision 4, but I’m already thinking I need to add the Men of Iron, and know exactly what screenshot to use. In any case here ’tis for your edification and enjoyment.

Warhammer 40,000 According to the Simpsons
Need to add those Men of Iron…

Now that things have cooled down, maybe I’ll be able to get some sleep. I wouldn’t count on it mind you…

A Dire Warning from the Interwebs

The vast majority of spam I skim through each morning as part of my job can be categorised into one of the following categories

  • This AI tool will make you rich!
  • This marketing tool will make you rich!
  • Your website is horribly flawed, pay me and I’ll fix it and make you rich!
  • Do you have common nail problems?
  • Does your dog have common nail problems?
  • Does your dog need a harness for its common nail problems?
  • I Elena from Ukraine me and horny friend need a MAN!

But every now and then you come across something so nutty that you wonder what possible purpose there could be for spamming the world’s contact forms with it. A fine example of this was submitted through a number of our websites this morning – all of them seeking to contact a different Archon (a builder of the universe in Gnostic theology, although I prefer to think of them as alter-egos of Patrick Bauchau…).

So, be aware! You are a robot that was put to sleep and now an upgrade to the Earth’s quantum field is going to cause an extinction level event! Or something…

Trying to get in touch with Archon named Leandro. You were put into sleep status to gain more awareness of the mechanics of earths bots known as humans to gain a better form of gnosis. It is time to bring to your attention now the pandemic has dwindle down. This was engineered as a direct extraction of loosh of those infected compounded naturally occurring version of it by fear and anxiety it has caused. With the transferred consciousness of 6,000,000+ humans that reached an abrupt end was enough energy to develop more sophisticated AI engines for the quantum field of Earth. Due to the code of the virus these humans did not respawn into alternative timelines and end of life cycle was made short. Now that AI engine has been upgraded an extinction level event will occur as the humans are gaining too much awareness and the reality mechanics of the quantum field of Earth need to be rewritten.

There you go! Don’t say you weren’t warned!

Start the Year Right!

Who’s the best Leon of all time?
Leon from the movie Lindsey and Leon go to a Roller Disco

What would kill a Victorian child nowadays?
Victorian children drank mercury for breakfast, ate coal dust for lunch and swallowed cholera for dinner. We wouldn’t be able to kill them with napalm.

What do you think is really the problem with people?
There’s only so much intelligence available and the more people there are the less each person gets.

What are some situations where people deserve to lose their bank accounts, homes, and jobs?
Putting bandanas on their dogs!

What is the life of a sane person like?
How the hell would I know?

What do you think of people that have pet rats and they kiss them?
Worse things happen at sea!

You are tasked with reordering the alphabet, what does it look like now?
Dél wiþ it!

How do you get out of a conversation?
“I have to go now. My planet needs me.” walk away

What does ghana think about MINUSMA? Does Ghana think MINUSMA should contiune or change? What does Ghana think about cooperation between MINUSMA and the Mali Goverment?
Do I look like a West African Nation?

If you know death is just 5 minutes away, what are you eating?
Something really weird to give the Medical Examiner a surprise!

What is some random advice for today?
Don’t take any wooden bitcoins on the digital super highway

Where do we come from?
We evolved from octopuses and are on a gradual journey back to the sea!

What does every man need in his life?
A genuine bona-fide electrified six-car monorail!

What advice to give an introvert when going to bootcamp for the first time?
Make your will

What kind of physical touch best says “I love you” to you?
Not touching me without explicit permission.

If you were held at gun point and told that if you didn’t impress them with your dance moves you would be killed, what dance moves would you bust out?
I’d sit down on the floor and say “Let’s just get this over with”

What colour is a mirror?
How high is the sky?

What movie completely changes its plot when you change one letter in its title? What’s the new movie about?
Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalken
The plot. Doesn’t really. Change. But it kind of. Starts and. Stops. A lot.

What’s the closest thing to being dead without being dead?
Spending time in Hoboken New Jersey

How would you explain being high to someone who’s never been high?
An unpleasant experience where your muscular control over your body is impaired and your thought processes are unreliable. Not recommended.

What are some biological flaws within the human body?
Running air and fuel through the same port.

What is the most 90’s thing you can think of?
That annoying cartoon character with the pointy chin and wavy hair

Fido Dido?
That’s the fellow!

if you woke up in a basement looking area with nothing but a dog, what would you do?
Pat the dog

What’s your position on chiropractors?
At best they’re the equivalent of a massage therapist. At worst they’ll inflict permanent spinal damage on you while telling you they’re curing your cancer.

The inventor of chiropractic claimed he was told about it by a ghost, and that every disease from the common cold to schizophrenia was caused by a misaligned spine. It’s utter crap.

What if you could ask the universe a question about anything knowing you’d have your answer, what would you ask?
How you doing’?

What makes a kick in the nuts funny?
The fact that it’s not you

What subjects should schools start teaching the children?
Healing, curses, hexes, vexes and other excesses

If you could only play one bord game in your life from this point on what would you chose?
A straight road or passageway driven at right angles to the main cleavage of the coal in a coal mine? Doesn’t sound very entertaining to me…

What if one day God descended from the heavens, said – “These people whom you worship as gods in your specific religions is just me in my different forms” and went away without any more explanations?
Good luck convincing people it was actually God and not just a particularly obtuse Pepsi commercial.

What’s something that took you way too long to figure out?
That organised labour was not heavily involved in the Northern Ireland conflict.

Your nationality gives you game-like stats. What would your nationality buffs and debuffs be?
+5 Animal Handling
+5 Carousing
+5 Casual Racism

What is y’all predictions for 2023?
Things will get worse.

How often have you had the desire to just go up to Donald Trump and vigorously rub your hand on his head just to see if his hair was real and not a toupee?
Never! I don’t want to catch anything!

What instantly comes to mind when you hear “Money”?
Get away!

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would purchase?
Depends how much I won. No point going yacht shopping if my payout is $2.50

How do you make someone feel better after you told them they look average?
Remind them that that means they look better than or equal to half the population

What’s a good reason to punch a kid in the face?

If you could meet any Greek god or titan and ask them 1 question, which god/titan would you pick and what question would you ask them?
I’d ask Cronus “So how’s that whole eating your children thing working out for you?”

If you could do anything you wanted, without the complications stopping you, what would you do?
Drape myself entirely in velvet

Why’s everyone looking for someone to hate?
Freddy Mercury isn’t!

Why is there no Mark IX armour?
Cawl works exclusively in binary and sometimes screws up his translations to decimal

If Earth was in a binary system with another life-hosting planet?
Mondas intensifies!

What are some fun activities that can be done in Prague during Christmas other than looking at nice architectures?
Golem hunting!

What would be the historic changes that would arise if the Space Shuttle Challenger worked?
It did work – perfectly – for nine missions.

What motivates you to keep going?
Spite. I refuse to let the universe win!

How big is Santa’s penis?
He’s a crime fighting genius and he always has hot young chicks on his boat. Santa’s cock is a foot long!

No, wait, I’m thinking about Quincy…

What made you not want to have kids?
I’ve never wanted to have kids. I remain puzzled by what makes other people so keen to have them.

What questions should we NOT ask on a date?
Have you no sense of decency, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?

What weird thing would you make socially acceptable if possible?
Draping oneself entirely in velvet

What is your astrological sign?
Lobo, the wolf!

Those who don’t wash your hair ‘traditionally’ (with shampoo), what do you do use if anything at all?

What’s your country’s Ohio?
Heard Island. It’s round at each end and high in the middle.

What foreign laws were you unaware of, when traveling to that country, that landed you in that country’s jail/prison?
You gotta be really careful hailing a taxi in Germany…

Who is the best fictional Father or Father figure?
Gomez Addams

What is a good way to start a conversation with a complete stranger?
“I am Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer! Are you the Gatekeeper?”

What is the meaning of life?
A somewhat disappointing Monty Python movie released in 1983. The accompanying The Crimson Permanent Assurance short however is actually rather good.

What events justifies Lionel Messi as the real GOAT?
His deep hatred of trolls and diet of old tin cans

Why would one be a flat-earther?
Religion. Scratch a hardcore flat-earther and you’ll find a religious fundamentalist of some kind.

How would you prove existence or nonexistence of God?
There’s no scientific way to prove or disprove the existence of something that exists outside-of/above nature.

If you were a Villain, What would your evil lair look like?
A 2 kilometer tall pillar of polished black basalt rising from the icy, storm-wracked waters of the Southern Ocean.

What are some everyday items with hidden features we don’t know about?
Wolverines have a button on the back of their necks that switches them between French and English mode.

What would happen if Kanye West managed to become president one day?
The living would envy the dead

What supplement/vitamin/health food do you swear by?
Bug powder dust and Mugwump jism.

What was the robot and guy that taught us things at school?
Uncle Fingers and Dickbot 3000?

You are a Hollywood executive devoid of any creativity, what children’s toy will you turn into the next billion dollar action-movie franchise?
Fidget spinners were HUGE but no one made a movie!? Get Michael Bay on the line NOW!!

How often do you brush your dogs teeth?
A question my spam folder asks me every day!

What is the best sour patch kids flavor?

What do you think is missing from the pages of our history that was never taught to us neither had been recorded properly as per public view but in reality has a world changing truth never brought out to the public?
They don’t want you to know that Thomas Jefferson was advised on the writing of the Declaration of Independence by a duck!

If you had unlimited money, what’s one thing you still wouldn’t buy?
Shitty cartoons of monkeys

Did you hook up with your bully? If so, how’d it go?
I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question

What is a sports commentator?
The term ‘sports commentator’ is used to refer to a member of many species of even-toed ruminant that are indigenous to various regions in Africa and Eurasia.

Oh, sorry, that’s ‘antelope’. Disregard!

Why were we born humans and not Na’vi from Avatar?
I’m gonna have to start by explaining the difference between reality and fiction.

How did you end up in your career today?
The government locked me in a room with a landline and phone book and wouldn’t let me out until I had a job interview.

You’ve just come across the TARDIS unlocked with the Doctor nowhere in sight. The door is open, the controls are surprisingly easy to understand, and you have the entirety of human history available to you. Where do you go, and what do you do when you get there?
Even assuming the TARDIS will go where I tell it to (which is a big if!) I’m not gonna risk messing with history, I’ll just ferret around until I find the Time-Space Visualiser and watch history instead.

People who visited the Mystery Flesh Pit before the incident, what was the scariest thing you saw?
The scariest thing was how flimsy all the bracing looked. They kept telling us it was perfectly safe but I was terrified that it would all collapse at any second 🙁

What is your opinion about the Illuminati?
A useful distraction from the politicians, corporations and rich bastards who actually run the world.

Using the name of a TV series or movie, how would you describe your love life?
Alone in the Dark

How do you react if a guy uses the urinal that is right next to you?
Name his penis!

What is the best way to combat angry neighbors?
Bury plutonium in their lawn

How do we know we all see the same colors?
We don’t. Welcome to reality kid!

What do you wear on a first date?
My robe and wizard hat

What are some really weird noises you make when you’re completely alone at home?
Every now and then I’ll chant “wub wub wub wub wub wub” for no reason at all.

How do you say UNO; ‘oo-no’ or ‘you-no’?
It’s pronounced ‘doge’

What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever experienced in college?
A guy trying to pick me up because the place I decided to eat my lunch at turned out to be the campus gay beat.

What would you do if you woke up dead?
Take off my skin and dance around in my bones.

What’s some good advice for High Schoolers visiting New York for the first time?
The sewers are much safer these days as most of the alligators have been eaten by the CHUDs.

People who can’t be in a relationship. Why and what’s your story?
Avoidant Personality Disorder! It’s a riot!

What do you think about zodiac partnership compatibility?
People who believe in something as ludicrous as astrology deserve each other

If you could remove one color in the whole world, what would it be and why?
I did it last week. Go see if you can find anything coloured ikrall!

Sea level is slowly rising above EVERY continent at unpredictable speeds, what’s your next move?
Try really hard to evolve gills

What is your favorite state?

Which song has the lyrics easiest to get wrong?
Anything performed by James Reyne

How do deaf people hear voices in dreams?
If they do then it’s probably the same way in your dreams that your hand is your hand but it’s also a crocodile that belongs to your neighbour and you have to look after it even though you don’t want to and it’s a yacht.

The world is collapsing. You can bring just one person with you to another planet. Who do you choose?
No way I could pick someone. I’d just let someone else take two people.

What is a stranger you meet at the pub red flag?
Offering you tourist-class tickets to the Interzone.

How would you react to NASA announcing the existence of a city sized spider with webbing across the whole asteroid belt?
I’d be very glad that it was about 500 million kilometers away.

What songs are romantic?
Berserker by Cousin Olaf

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done to try impress a crush?
In high school I did the rap from the KLF’s Justified and Ancient at three times normal speed to impress a girl.

Somehow she was not impressed.

What’s the scariest part about life?
That any sufficiently motivated dickhead can instantly take it away from you.

Completely straight men and women, how confident are you, if big money was on the line, of your ability to please someone of the same gender as you?
I’m not even confident of pleasing the opposite gender.

What is being an adult like?
Like being a kid but with more problems, more responsibility and less people to help you out.

In your opinion who has the most epic/badass one man army story throughout history?
I’m not sure if it technically counts as badass but in 1944 Finnish soldier Aimo Koivunen took his entire unit’s supply of speed in one hit and skied 400km, living on nothing but pine needles and a bird he slapped straight out of the air.

What do you hate about cats?
Their Fel D 1 Secretoglobin protein complex.

Which is the most hated western European country and why?
Neutral Moresnet. Zinc hoarding bastards!

You wake up in an alien ship with a probe half way up your doopa – what’s your next move?
Turn to the nearest alien and say “Gary, we talked about this!”

Non-Americans, what is your opinion of American football?
All that padding! Hilarious!

A “loose unit”. What does it mean when describing a person?
It means that – for better or worse – they are an unpredictable, freewheeling agent of chaos.

What will we soon be in the golden age of?
Resource wars!

What is something the majority of people like to do, but you hate?
Getting high/drunk. Every recreational drug I’ve tried makes me feel weird, uncomfortable and shitty.

Why do you want to keep living?
Because I haven’t learnt everything yet!

What is the best movie ever?
Lindsey and Leon go to the Roller Disco

Why why why why why?
Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

People who have been in awkward situations, what’s the secret to getting out of it?
Shout “This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!” and hurl yourself through the nearest window.

What’s something normal in Brazil and not in other countries?
Using a cardboard disc to indicate whether you wish to be continually stuffed with meat.

How many languages can you speak and what are they?
I can speak English, manage a few words and phrases in Spanish, French, Italian and German, and yell a few words in Japanese and Finnish. So – in conclusion – one.

English speakers, is it kitty corner or catty corner and why/where are you from?
It’s “diagonal”.

What’s the worst threat to Society?
Dolphins developing opposable thumbs.

What’s your favourite Pokemon and why?
I luuuurve the sexy slither of a mudkip

If the events of Harry Potter happened in real life, which side would you be on? Voldemort’s or Harry’s?
Can’t I be on both? Like the late Earl Warren?

If you were allowed to nuke a country, knowing your attack won’t be condemned and your target can’t retaliate, would you do it, and if yes, what country would you nuke?
How to say “I’m a sociopath” without saying “I’m a sociopath”

Who’s the best Spongebob character?

If you didn’t have to work, how would you spend your days?
I don’t know, but I’d like the opportunity to find out.

What would you choose a stray cat or a breed cat like Persian or British, and why?
I’d choose a dog because I’m deadly allergic to cats.

How do you feel about people who hate music?
I suspect they are some kind of alien in a skin suit.

if you had a $3000 Louis Vuitton work bag would you take it with you when you leave the office without cameras on your two 15 minute breaks and your one 30 minute break? Why, why not?
If I had a $3000 Louis Vuitton work bag I’d sell it, buy a $50 work bag and enjoy having an extra $2950

What do people mean when they say they are too tired after work for fun?
How to say “I’m an extrovert” without saying “I’m an extrovert”

What’s the nearest thing you can grab onto if gravity were to suddenly flip?
Grabbing onto something would be a minor concern as the entire universe blows itself to pieces.

Can men get pregnant? If so, how and how do they give birth?
How is babby formed? How man get pragnent?

Straight people, would you date someone who is non-binary?
If I found them attractive, sure.

What is a sigma male?
A person who thinks an embarrassingly inaccurate model of wolf social dynamics somehow applies to human beings.

If Sony decided to use a different name for PlayStation 6, what would it be?
Crash Bandicoot’s Glory Box

It’s 30 days into the apocalypse where are you and what are you doing for supplies?
Oh please! I was killed by a biker gang on day 8!

What would you do if the world disappeared?

What topics are absolutely inappropriate on a first date?
The Treaty of Westphalia. That’s just asking for trouble!

You can choose your last dinner. What is it?
I did choose my last dinner. I had Chinese. I’m now considering what to have for dinner tonight.

How would you react if you found out that your kids have been secretly using your credit cards to buy stuff, but instead of video games they spent it on Bored Apes NFTs?
I’d take them out back and shoot them.

You can ask one question to Putin. What do you ask?
Do you ever think about Stalin lying on his bedroom floor, wracked with pain, his consciousness slowly fading away as he listens to his underlings bicker about how they’re going to divide his power amongst themselves and laugh about not calling a doctor?

What are your thoughts on multiple genders these days?
Western society is finally have to face up to the fact that nature doesn’t fit into neat little boxes.

What do you think about kpop ?
Not my thing, but if someone enjoys it then who am I to argue with them?

Why don’t we just give Taiwan to China?
We can give them your house too!

You get one superpower, but the catch is that nobody can have ever thought of it before. What’s your superpower?
I can shoot objects into orbit by pointing at them John Travolta disco style.

What is the worst dog breed and why?
The Dandie Dinmont Terrier. It looks like it was bred to go down holes after sewage.

What medicines do you take, and why?
Antihistamines to stop my immune system from mugging me, antidepressants to stop my brain from mugging me, lactase to stop my guts from freaking out at the sight of cheese, anti-inflammatories to stop my jaw locking up and amphetamines to keep me awake.

If Ukraine joins NATO, what city in the world will Russia Nuke first?
Saint Petersburg (they’d be aiming for Helsinki, but, y’know, Russians)

Le penis is chewy, and it tastes like steak, they also sell it now in restaurants and it costs $0.99 for starters, what do you think about it?
I think that’s one hell of a fetish you’re dealing with there.

Which villain is more iconic, Dr. Doofenshmirtz or Robbie Rotten?
Robbie Rotten almost mowed down a friend of mine with his bike once, so I’ll go with him.

What is one thing in your home that’s broken that you never seem to get around to fixing?

What are good things to do, to increase a valuation on a house?
Bury a statue of St Joseph upside down in the yard.

Why do you feel like an anomaly?
Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you feel like an anomaly.

You have been granted the power to give everyone in the world one object. What is that object?

You’re suddenly the president of your country, you have one week to fuck your whole country up. What do you do?
Declare war on China

Who is the most prolific killer ever, in your opinion?
Thomas Midgley Jr.

How often do you go in the woods to roast chestnuts?
All the time! (if by ‘roast’ you mean ‘brutally murder’ and by ‘chestnuts’ you mean ‘vagrants’…)

What’s the best way to lose weight?
A spell in a Russian prison.

What’s more attractive for girls, a guy walking around eating an apple or smoking a cigarette?
I would imagine it depends on the personal taste of the individual girl in question.

What are some things that pregnant women should avoid that not everyone knows about?
False vacuum decay

What might be the reason that someone checked in a hotel room at 9, then kept moving, throwing heavy things around/open and close closets drawers until 12, and then walked across the room back and forth from 1 to 3 am?
Sir, we haven’t rented that room out in years. Not since ‘The Incident’…

How would you spend your holidays if you had to spend them alone?
I do spend my holidays alone. It’s pretty sweet.

What is the plot of your favorite book or movie explained as horribly as possible?
A group of academics start a small business but are hampered by interference from the EPA.

Who is the Greatest Musician/Band of all time?
Shooby Taylor, the human horn!

If you can bluntly tell people how you want to be treated, how would you describe it?
You should all grovel before me like DOGS!!

What is placed in the Vatican’s vault?
The was nothing in the Vactican vault, But it wasn’t Pope Benedicts’s fault!

What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Does crocodile stir-fry count as weird?

What is the ONLY original Rule 34 website?!

What would happen if adults were the only authorized users on social media?
The spelling would improve slightly.

What is a woman?
A rag, a bone and a hank of hair

What ridiculous and untrue, yet plausible, explanation can you come up with for the cause of a headache?
Inside you there are two wolves. One of them has their teeth in your medulla oblongata.

Going downtown to ask folks questions live; what questions should be asked?
“Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist party?”

What would happen if we threw a nuclear bomb into the middle of an active volcanic crater?
The bomb would melt and the lava would become slightly more radioactive.

You have an hour to create a new movie idea, explain your idea?
An Englishman is stopped in a dark country lane by a giant, glowing goat who tells him to go to the top of the highest mountain in Spain on midsummer’s day for his ‘reward’. Comic hi-jinks ensue as he tries to convince his wife, his friends, his bank manager and the Spanish immigration services that he’s not insane.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Betty White

How do you have sex with glasses?
Use lots of lube

You now have one extra room in your house, what you do with it?
Decorate it to look like the Back Rooms.

When did we as a society decide money matters more then love?
If by “money” you mean “resources” then as soon as humans existed. You can’t eat love!

What is Rick and Morty?
An Australian cartoon about a violent lunatic looking for a green cube.

What’s the affect of left handed kid being forced to become right handed?
The worst handwriting you’ve ever seen.

What’s the most ruthless and efficient way to become mayor of a small town?
Contaminate all the local salad bars with e. coli so everyone is too sick to vote except for your followers.

What is a tomato?
A wolf peach!

People who knows about mewing, how to keep your tongue up all the time and is it bad if tip of the tongue is pushing the front teeth?
Mewing doesn’t do anything except prove your gullibility to dumbass internet fads.

How come we are taught advanced math in school if most of us aren’t going to use it?
Because learning difficult shit is good for your brain.

Who is “the hero we need right now”?
Vermin Supreme!

What do you consider as the definition of “art”?
Anything that is put on display is art. Whether it’s good art is another issue entirely.

What would you do if Dream died?
He did, but as one of the Endless he was instantly replaced by a new incarnation.

if you were god and there is nothing except you, what’s the first thing you’d do?

What do you think of Zendaya?
I have no objection to Zendaya.

What is the best and most hilarious opening line if you want to make the other person laugh?
“Hi, I’m a pedigree racehourse. MOOOOOOOOOO!”

What would you like to be written on your grave?
Death is but a Door
Time is but a Window
I will return

People who don’t live in the US, are you happy where you live?
Hell yeah! Socialised healthcare and a minuscule chance of getting shot – what’s not to love?

What would you name your yacht if you had one?
“Perfectly Normal Boat”

What’s the best answer to “Where do you see yourself in 10 years”?
“Dancing on your grave!”

There are many empty malls, and there will be many more in the near future. What can they be repurposed for?
Hobo battle arenas

Let’s say we live in a world where we’re all cars, exactly like the Pixar movie. What car would you be?
A Lightburn and Co. Zeta Sedan

What is the best unreleased song you’ve ever heard?
Where’d the Cheese Go Part 2 by Ween

What do you think is the biggest mistake of humanity?
Coming down out of the trees.

What’s the most creative band name in your opinion?
“9cm Worm Makes Own Food”

What do you think about free will?
I believe I have free will, but I may not have any choice in the matter…

Who is the best President the United Stares has had?
Lipton Quick

What are some mind-blowing facts about cricket?
At Edgbaston in 1932 (as Canter was facing Willcox bowling from the pavilion end) a spectator ran onto the ground claiming to have seen an alligator materialise on the pitch. No one else saw anything and Warwickshire went on to win by three wickets.

Why can’t we all just be nice and get along?
He’s trying to make us be nice! Break his knees!

Where do all the hot and sexy Martian women hang out?
Club Barsoom on the north side of Olympus Mons

Which generation did it better between Grease (1978) & High School Musical (2006)?
Remind me, which one had the school shooting scene?

What is the greatest song of all time?
Hot Dogs and Apple Sauce

If Neanderthals were still alive today, what kind of racist slurs would we use on them?

What is the best Michael Jackson song?
Ben – The greatest love song ever written for a cannibalistic rat!

Who is the most shameful figure in history?
Binro the Heretic. Crazy bastard with his “the stars are far away suns!” and “Ribos moves, not the heavens!”. Torture was too good for him!

What is your darkest desire?
To have a hundred of the Earth dollars!

Which artist would you consider a industry plant?
Dua Lipa was grown out of broccoli by the Monsanto Corporation!

What’s the most exciting moment while hunting?
When your prey realises there’s no escape and resorts to promises of money or whining about having a wife and children.

If you were held at gunpoint, what would you say?
‘Tective man a say, say daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane a licky boom boom dem!

Year’s End Wrap-Up

What foods are surprisingly healthy?
The flesh of the giant aquatic Brazilian centipede

What is the fear of the common folk?
The Wolf, the Devil and the Northman

What are your thoughts on Kangaroos?
Tasty if properly prepared

Do people really leave shoes on inside private homes? If so, why?
Well, you see the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

How is Pete Davidson even remotely funny, entertaining or famous?
How dare you criticise the fifth Doctor that way!

If you were Santa, what would you have named your reindeer?
Black Sabbath
Judas Priest

What is the sexiest sport and why?
Brockian Ultra-Cricket. If it’s not sexy as hell why do they build those giant walls around the stadiums to stop us from watching?

What are polite ways of insulting someone without using curse words?
“You, sir, are a pathetic excuse for a hotel manager!”

What is the best thing to have ever happened in the world?
Fabio getting hit in the face with a goose on a roller coaster.

What do you call a corporate mascot that betrays it’s own fate (e.g. a happy pig advertising a BBQ)?
A class traitor!

What never fails to make your blood boil?
Temperatures in excess of 100 C

Who wants to play fort?
Me! Strange objects fall from the sky because they’re stored in an anti-gravity zone I call the Super Sargasso Sea and furthermore…
Oh, sorry. Wrong kind of Fort.

If you had adequate financial resources, how many kids would you like to have?
If I had the financial resources to have a kid, I’d get a fish instead. They’re a lot less work.

Which actor is perfect for a role like Batman?
Gilbert Gottfried. “I am the NIIIIIGHT!!!

What is most annoying thing or concept of 2021?
I would like to monetize your question as an NFT

According to the simp ideology, what exactly makes a female immune to being wrong about anything?
Now listen. No one will ever take you seriously if you use terms like ‘simp’

What’s your trick to get laid?
I sit back and wait for the ladies to come to me! It’s gonna work any year now!

Where did we come from? Who created the creator(s)?
I dunno. The Coast Guard?

What is your favorite time zone?
Old fashioned Saudi Arabian solar time! Reset your clock to midnight at sunset every day and screw the consequences!

Ex nihilo nihil fit
Parmenides, stop telling the universe what to do!

Who killed JFK?
JFK killed JFK. There was time travel, a robot, and a humanoid creature evolved from a house cat involved. It was complicated.

What is the squirrel in your pants doing?
That’s the squirrel’s business, not mine.

What is an omega male?
Something made up by people who inexplicably believe that a fatally flawed description of wolf behaviour applies to human beings.

What happens in the mens’ bathroom? Anything particularly special?
In the mens’ bathroom…

What would be a good name for the prank where a bunch of teenagers sneak up to drive through window and spray a bunch of bear mace inside and run off laughing while one of their friends records from inside for social media?
Conspiracy to commit Criminal Assault

Who should be the next James Bond?
Gilbert Gottfried “Shaken not STIRRRRED!!!

What screams upstairs all night?
Nothing. Did you forget to take your medication again?

What is the biggest red flag you’ve seen on a first date?
Well there was that time I met up with a girl at an exhibit on the Soviet Union…

Which way do you turn a doorknob?
One way, and then if that doesn’t work, the other way.

Where is your Elf on the Shelf currently?
Burning in Hell along with all the other surveillance state snitches.

What are your predictions for 2022?
The sky will crack open and Liberace – 40 feet tall and luminous – will descend on a silver staircase and play the greatest hits of Macklemore on a steam calliope the size of the Queen Mary.

What do you think of waffle cones?
I think it’s good that they figured out how to make artificial ones so they didn’t have to keep harvesting them from quornimals.

Why do you hate Caillou so much?
God hates him enough to give him cancer. Who am I to argue?

Do you think your country would be a better place if your representatives could have fist fights?
It worked for Taiwan!

What are your views on “Climate Change”?
Can you have a ‘view’ on established fact?

If you could eat anything in the world right now, what would you eat?
The heart of a king!

What are some ways we can prevent white genocide?
You can start by getting off Telegram and joining the real world.

How are Elon Musk and Tony Stark different?
I’m not aware of Tony Stark ever calling someone who contradicts him a pedophile.

What’s the biggest mistake rookies make during their first astral projection?
Talking to the machine elves.

A child asks you where babies come from. What is your response?
Ask your mother

What is your stance on making the bed when you get up?
All that does is create a haven for dustmites!

What do you think about the US Democratic Party?
The lesser of two evils

What is a song that is so funky it makes you say “Dayam that’s funky!”?
Sounds like you’re hankerin’ for some Lakeside!

What are your favourite things about living alone?
I can walk around the house nekked!

Why aren’t you following your dreams?
I’m waiting for Tyler Durden to appear out of the night and threaten to shoot me if I don’t.

Michael Myers is after you but you can’t go to the police or the hospital. Where would you run?
Dr Suess’s house. After The Cat in the Hat they set up 24 hour armed security to stop him getting in and making any more movie adaptions.

What thing is not worth paying attention to?
The Manosphere

What are more complicated versions of the trolley problem?
Replace the people on the tracks and in the trolley with simultaneously alive and dead cats sealed in boxes.

Who do you think will be the new Prime Minister of Canada in 2023 if Justin Trudeau steps down?
Yukon Cornelius

What celebrity screams future murderer?
Frankie Muniz. “Memory issues” huh? Very convenient…

What would you do if your neighbour asked to lick your feet?
Call the police.

Realistically, what do you think a Necrocratic government would be like?
Bulk ouija board requisitions for the Civil Service.

You have the chance to change one animals name, which animal? what would you change it to?
Hedgehogs will henceforth be named “Spike Chil’en”.

What are your thoughts on all the genders out there?
Gender is made up, so why not custom-craft your own?

What crime is always ok to commit?
Punching Nazis

What are your hangover cures?
You can never be hungover if you’re never sober!

Whats the most rebellions thing yoh did as a kid?
Who is Yoh and why do you assume that I know anything about their childhood?

What TV show has been almost totally forgotten?
Mina Guldskor, a short lived Swedish adaption of The Greatest American Hero that ran for half a season in 1984. Its theme song did go on to win Eurovision though, which is something at least.

What is your opinion on the white lighter celebrity conspiracy?
There’s only one White Lighter and that’s Brian Krause!

How do you confess to a girl that you like her?
I leave a brief and ambiguous note then retire to a reinforced concrete bunker 500 feet underground in a neighboring country where I curl up into a fetal ball and rock back and forth in a corner while hyperventilating for at least four months.

What are the benefits of having one arm?
Automatic pre-selection for when the drummer from Def Leppard retires.

How do you kill a tree so it looks like nature did it?
Call up the local cops and tell them about your plans. They’ll be able to provide all kinds of useful advice!

What’s a random fact you’re just waiting to bust out?
David Farrant and Sean Manchester are the only two people officially declared to be “1970s weirdos” by the British Office of Communications.

You can make any Avenger pregnant to add drama to any of the MCU films. Which Avenger is it and in what movie?
One of Bruce Banner’s experiments goes seriously wrong in 2023’s The Fertilizable Hulk

Skeptics, how do you explain (reputable) psychics and mediums?
Find one that’s actually reputable and we can talk.

What do you need to get off your chest?
The withered, pale, monkey-like thing that squats there all night while I’m trying to sleep.

What is the origin of milk?
Milk is produced by wasps repeatedly chewing up then regurgitating wood.

How did you get over the perfect match?
I never have. Why can’t more gameshows feature wise-cracking robots?

What do you call a male lady bug?

How much attention do you pay to the cycles of the Moon when planning your week ahead?
The moon? I ain’t no salmon!

What idea of Europe do you have?
A bunch of tiny countries, all wedged together, trying to do their best.

You discover the gate to Hell, what do you do?
Charge admission!

What country do you think is making content of worse quality as companies try to appeal to them?
If the big media companies don’t stop pandering to San Marino, I swear to god…

What goes through your mind when you hear someone say the word “cuck” as an insult?
I write them off my list of people to take in any way seriously.

Screw zodiac signs! What’s your starting pokémon?
Pokemon world is the world of the demonic!

If you could telepathically broadcast a message to the whole world at once, what would you broadcast?
Och… kill… Dagless… mon

What will trigger the Apocalypse?
Some Trumpist will do it to own the Libs.

What do you think King Alfred the Great would think of the United Kingdom today?
He’d be pleased to see how big it was, but pissed off that the royal family is French.

What’s the most wholesome conspiracy theory?
Dogs are benevolent interdimensional entities sent to guide us from the Element-12 timeline. Their innate wisdom has been lost by selective breeding but can be re-awakened by breeding enough mutts.

What are your thoughts on Michael Jackson appearing naked in your bed at night?
Is that the kind of thing that happens to you regularly? You might want to change rooms or something.

What do you think about the proposal to allow marriage with plants?
Who the hell let Poison Ivy into Congress?!

What’s something the elite doesn’t want us to know?
The average car will run on consommé, but you have to be careful about getting parsley stuck in the carburetor.

Given how every AI experiment in public becomes a Nazi or hates people where do you see this tech going?
Using the internet to educate an AI is no different to using the internet to educate a human kid. If you don’t supervise it and give it context for what it’s seeing you end up with Logan Paul.

What is the name of the symbol on book cover of Irresistible forces by Danielle Steel?
It’s the sigil ‘odegra’ from the language of the Black Priesthood of Ancient Mu and means “Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds”

What is so bad about kpop?
Nothing. It’s just that it’s new, and it’s popular with kids. Therefore everyone who isn’t a kid any more hates it on principle.

What are your personal four food groups?
Cheese, Chocolate, Bread, Cardiac Medication

In the USA, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the 4th Thursday of November no matter how close it falls to the end of the month. What would be a better way to determine when to have Thanksgiving?
Surely there’s some kind of rodent that can be used to determine the appropriate time?

What’s the best thing to get at McDonald’s?

What says “Welcome to West Virginia” more than anything?
The Huntington Tarantula Parade!

What is the final concentration of ampicillin in the plates containing selective media – given that the volume of LB in the plate is 25 mL, the stock concentration of ampicillin is 100 mg/mL and you add 25 ul of this to each plate?

What’s the most absurd hospital bill you’ve ever received?
Bill? I live in a country with a real health care system.

How are Cheese-Itz so good?
They’re manufactured from skin scrapings harvested from an alien being captured by John Harvey Kellogg in 1871. The already mentally unstable Kellogg was badly affected by the exotic radiation emitted by the creature, leading him to conclude that it was an angel and that consuming its flesh could cure ‘the vile sickness of onanism’. While most of Kellogg’s original alien-based recipes are no longer followed, “Angel-Scrapin’s” were added to Cheez-Its after the brand was acquired by the Kellogg Company in 2001, causing a boom in sales due to their highly addictive nature. The ‘angel’ has kept in a secure facility – designed by Enrico Fermi – beneath Kellogg’s Battle Creek headquarters since 1947.

Which Generation became confused about Genders?
Whichever decided each person only has one, and that there’s only two options for it.

Why are comdoms flavoured?
They were originally developed as an emergency food source for the military.

What’s the dumbest way you could spend 1 million dollars?
Penny whistles and moon pies.

Which is QAnon’s most ridiculous belief?
That Donald Trump gives a shit about their welfare.

Should we be allowed to wear pajama pants at school?
No! If we don’t have standards we will devolve into beasts!!

People who say stuff like “out of sight, out of mind”… when will you get with the times?
But I gotta keep my body tight!

God gives you one power, what is it?
The power of… *consults Catholic Catechism* free will?! What a rip off!

What is something that doesn’t belong on earth and it feels too weird?
Deep sea spider crabs. Those things just ain’t right!

People who work or once worked at Disneyland, what is the creepiest thing you have seen there?
At night they let the real Mickey out. There’s a reason the park has a system of fortified tunnels.

What is the most disrespectful thing a wedding guest did that they mistakenly thought went unnoticed?
I invited this one guy to my wedding and he spent the entire thing outside talking to this crazy old sailor!

Notes on Physics

The Probability Maxim: All possibilities are played out somewhere in Probability.

The Probability Paradox: Probability travel links universes into continua that invalidate the Probability Maxim. First noted by the Wyrm philosopher Ryzan in 720 BC.

Artonic Quantum Theory: Artonic energy can only be expended in discrete units or quanta. This limits the amount to which Probability can be fractured, thus restricting which universes can be reached from any given universe and creating multiple interlaced continua – thus preserving the Probability Maxim. Disproven when the energy value of the Artonic Quanta was shown to be beneath the minimum necessary to fracture Probability.

Meta-Probability Theory: Championed by Zurvár physicist Àeksùl this theory proposed a second dimension of Probability, creating continua inaccessible to standard Artonic Probability travel. Fell into disfavour after the death of Àeksùl in his tragic laboratory disaster.

Harmonic Probability Theory: Probability can only be fractured in discrete units, restricting what universes are accessible and creating multiple interlaced continua – thus preserving the Probability Maxim. The currently accepted solution to the Probability Paradox.

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