Essential Information for the New Year

Why is life so mysterious?

It wasn’t, until George Washington broke the seal on the Oak Island money pit and released the ancient spirit of evil known as “Walt Disney”. Thanks George!

What lessons from the Bible can be applied to everyday life, irrespective of religious affiliation?

Don’t make fun of bald guys, they might sic bears on you.

What is the best way to get to know someone when your intentions are romantic?

1: Moonwalk up to them
2: Snap your fingers in their face
3: Say “You, me, ayyyy?”
4: Put on sunglasses
5: Point at them
6: Moonwalk away while still pointing

Point at the sunglasses or the person?

Either works.

What does your dog just not understand?


Why can humans sing?

To offer praise and worship to Zeus, obviously.

What caused you to lose your faith in the main maetrs aidem?

The mushroom man! He comes in the night and steals your faith! Sharp of tongue and spindle limbed he is, and cunning! He extracts it through your nose with special pliers! Beware of the mushroom man!

Why is the plural of goose is geese and the plural of moose is moose?

In the 1500s Pope Gooses I got sick of people making jokes about his name and issued a proclamation that made it a mortal sin to pluralise the word “goose”. After some decades of confusion (and exploitation by unscrupulous goose salesmen) the alternative plural “geese” was invented.

When moose were discovered in 1937 the Hearst newspaper empire ran a series of cartoons involving geese and “meese”. Readers found these so annoying that Congress passed a law (sponsored of course by unscrupulous moose salesmen) establishing the plural of “moose” as “moose”.

What do glasses fix or correct?

Uncoolness. If a young person is uncool, they can increase their coolness by 10%-60% by combining black, thick rimmed glasses with an appropriate haircut.

Would you ever watch a new live-action take on He-Man?

Only if it was a buddy movie about undercover cops infiltrating the Eternian bodybuilding scene in search of steroid dealers.

What do they not want you to eat?

The heart of a king.

If you could interview anyone (dead or alive) and they had to honestly answer every question, who would you interview and what would you ask?

General Washington, what is your favourite variety of cheese?

If New York City broke off and started sinking into the ocean, and you could only save one person, who would you save?

That guy who plays guitar in a cowboy hat and speedo. Human civilisation would be pointless without him!

Why did a lot of 90s Dance music videos feature people running with briefcases?

The fastest way to digitally distribute music in the 1990s was to copy it to floppy discs and run them across town in briefcases. You could hardly move through a major city without being knocked down by people running around with briefcases full of the latest Ace of Base album!

You are selected by the Illuminati to travel to Ethiopia with a mission to destroy local priest. How do you plan to destroy him?

Make snide comments about his weight.

He just laughs

Well I’m outa ideas!

When was the last time you were in Saskatoon?

Does a secret Illuminati base 800 feet underground count as “in”?

You can now turn into a fly but you stay human sized. What do you do with your new power?

Head to the local make-out spot and scare the hell out of horny teenagers.

You can ask Hitler one question. What do you ask him?

“Dude, seriously?

Why is the what not but how and this should but could is why?

Why is could but should this and how but not what the is why?

What questions do you want to see asked at the GOP debate?

If a train leaves Tulsa at 9:00am traveling at 87 miles per hour and Superman can lift 200 times his own weight are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?

Would it be feasible to construct a launch pad on the moon?

You’d have to build a launch pad on Earth first to get everything to the moon, and sadly – as we all know – that’s impossible.

What would a Romulan class Intergalactic Battle Bagel sound like flying around?

mimimimi mimimimimi

What is one animal’s meat that you would not eat?

Meat-man. I mean he’ll happily give you his meat, but it just seems creepy to me.

You can change any chain of events that you want to, but whatever you change has an equally negative effect on you as before. Would you change anything?

I’d alter events to include a walrus. The vicissitudes of life are much easier to handle when you get to see a walrus.

What are you waiting for like crazy that nobody else seems to care about?

The coming of the Necro-Mantis!

I just got into the twitter scene, what is the whole @ thing about with people’s names? And how do people find you to follow you?

‘@’ indicates that the person is a member of the Illuminati.

You collect followers by approaching people in urban alleyways after dark and asking “Have you got change for a penny yo shizzle?”

What would you do if your dad was a WWII veteran that supported Trump?

Stand in front of my microwave with the door open and hope it changes my DNA.

Michael Jackson recorded songs like “Heal the world”, “Man in the mirror”, “Earth song” and “Black or White” yet people still believe that he touched kids with no proof whatsoever. How could this be?

Well Gary Glitter recorded Papa-Oom-Mow-Mow, and you know about him!

Are autistics the next step in human evolution?

Possibly, if we could get over our social phobias enough to breed.

How many of the world’s problems could be resolved by everyone just getting together and punching Andy Dick?

Very few. But let’s do it anyway!

Why do I get homesick when I’m far away from my family for too long?

Because you are weak!

What can someone do with 60lbs of onions and 30lbs of winter squashes?

Drive away everyone they love.

If you could name the Seven Dwarfs, what would you name them?

Bolshy, Grubby, Gropey, Commie, Scabby, Bojack and Moe.

What’s the punishment for grave desecration (stealing skulls) under UK law?

You take someone’s skull, their relatives get to take yours.

Harsh, but fair.

Why doesn’t anyone on a TV Show or Movie say, “Goodbye” right before ending a phone call?

Screenwriters are all members of the Cult of Squiggy. They worship David Lander and will never write the word “goodbye” – only “hello”.

What’s the cheapest way to ship something from the USA to New Zealand?

Strap it to a sea-turtle and point it in the right direction.

What’s your theory about one of your past lives?

I was a highly spiritual Indian chief who served in the army of Alexander the Great in Egypt where I met Cleopatra and helped build the pyramids.

What’s Peter Pan syndrome like?

It’s alright, but all the sword fighting gets tedious after a while.

What’s the opposite of keeping your phone on silent?

Being Dom Jolly.

If You Could Rename American Football What Would You Call It?

Leathery-Paddington Carry-o-Ball.

What’s the best response to “Hi, how are you”?

Stare for a couple of seconds, then say “Dismissed!” while waving the speaker away with your hand.

How can one go about dating firefighters?

Take a core sample and count the rings.

Why can’t I find John Kasich’s height on the Internet?

He has spent a huge amount of time and money keeping this information secret because if anyone discovers his exact height his dark masters will summon him back to his home dimension.

What would an inconvenience store sell?

Empty Cheez Whiz cans relabeled as “Cheez Was”.

Why do a lot of older Indian women walk with that limp?

At the age of 40 they have to give up their calf muscles in a secret ritual. It’s known fact!

What’s the best way to avoid feminists?

Hide inside your house and never come out. It’s the best solution for everyone.

How do you like to be apologised to?

The petitioner should approach me in a humble manner, with eyes downcast. They should then lie face down on the floor with their arms outstretched and recite “Mea culpa! Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!” five times, while gently weeping.

I will then decide whether or not to forgive them, depending on how generous I’m feeling that day.

What creative way can you think of to stop an impending asteroid?

Hire all the world’s pyrotechnic companies to produce vast amounts of red smoke, to the point where the planet looks completely red from orbit. The asteroid will get confused, think it’s heading for Mars and head off to look for Earth elsewhere.

What incentives does a caterpillar have for invading eastern Asia?

All that rice. Caterpillars love rice.

You are paid $50 for every hour you can last in a small room with 3 angry screaming children. How long do you last for?

Am I allowed to kick or punch the children?


I’m out!

Is it possible for a dog to digest a celery stick?

Many years of research have proven that Dogs cannot digest celery. It sticks in their appendixes and eventually causes them to turn savage (cf. Cujo, King S. 1981)

If you had to pick one company logo to tattoo on your forehead, which would it be?

Mazda. Then I’d say “Indeed” a lot and tell everyone I’m the First Prime of Horus.

What is the most important thing to do on prom night?

Make sure to load hollow point rounds for maximum incapacitation.

Ex-Cultists of Reddit, when was the moment you realized you didn’t want to be a member anymore?

When they finally showed us what a shoggoth actually looks like. I was like “Nope!” and handed in my membership card right then!

Why can the positive sign can be written as -(-) but the negative sign can’t be written as (+)(+)?

Because (+)(+) looks like boobs and would distract mathematicians from their work.

How close are you to becoming a wizard?

I just need to eat one more broom.

If you’re the spouse of a crewmember on the USS Enterprise 1701-D, and you don’t do science work, what the hell do you do all day on a starship while your spouse is working?

Counselor Troi!

Is it true that breathing nighttime air will cause the lymph glands to fill with pus?

Nurse! He’s out of bed again!

Which is it, ketchup or catsup?

It’s tomato sauce you heathen!

What is your most disgusting poop story?

Once upon a time there was a poop who worked hard, saved his money and bought a beautiful house. But a real estate developer wanted to knock down the poop’s house and build a shopping mall. The poop refused to sell, but the developer bribed a Senator to seize the poop’s house under eminent domain laws. The poop tried to sue, but the real estate developer bribed the judge, and the poop ended up losing everything.

What dinosaur do you find the most attractive?

I looove the sexy neck of the brachiosaurus.

Why are restaurant chefs always so angry and aggressive?

Neural trichinosis from prolonged exposure to raw meat.

What’s the best way to get earwax out of your ear?

A properly trained earwig.

If u take the sun and place it 1 cm from ur cannabis plant leaves, and project a ice beam in between so that it would neutralise the heat from the sun. would ur cannabis grow super fast?

I am a qualified scientician and cannot honestly see any reason why not.

What is the history of Perth, Western Australia?

A British ship commanded by Captain Stirling and John Roe crashed into Rottnest Island in 1902. They built a raft out of quokkas and paddled their way to the mainland where they found the Swan river. They then got into a fight about the length of Roe’s “member” (he insisted it was 7 inches, hence his nickname “Septimus” whereas Stirling insisted it was 6.5 at best) and split up, with Stirling establishing Perth and Roe founding Freemantle.

Roe’s “special friend” Paddy Hannan discovered gold at Carousel in 1910 leading to the gold rush, during which Lang Hangcock built London Court and Barracks arch. C.Y.O’Connor built a pipeline to Kalgoorlie in the 1920s as tax dodge, but then committed suicide when he lost a bet with Lord Forrest over the annual Freemantle vs Perth quokka soccer derby.

The years 1930 to 1994 were stricken from the record, and as a result no one is really sure who’s to blame for Mirrabooka. Nothing must else happened since then except a train station was built at Thornlie, provoking much celebration.

What are some fun and illegal things to do as a teenager?

Teach people about Jury Nullification.

Apart from open windows and doors, how can spiders/insects get inside houses?

Various species of arachnids have been shown to be able to teleport short distances.

You are selected to be a curator of culture for a space ark bound for Alpha Centari. You have 2TB of data storage, what do you send?

I’d find a list of the 100 most critically acclaimed television shows in history, create a folder named for each of them, and fill every single one with the entire run of Lavern and Shirley.

Then set up a hidden folder named The Wire and fill it with Patrick Swayze’s The Renegades

Is Gerard Way actually scared of teenagers?

I would be. Have you seen teenagers?

You obtain the ability to mimic the voice of one person perfectly. How do you use your new power?

David Lander. I’d call him up at odd hours, claim to be Squiggy, and accuse him of stealing my identity.

What is the most pointless thing you’ve ever purchased?

A sphere.

What is typical pay for a member of the Canadian Reserved Armed Forces?

Five loonies a fortnight and all the maple syrup you can gargle.

What bands should tour together based on their name alone, and what is the tour called?

Ace of Base, Mates of State and Bonnie Raitt. The Ace State Base Raitt Mate Tour.

Is anything interesting happening in Britain at the moment?

A man has just thrown up on the pavement in Wardour Street, Soho, London. A small dog is licking it up.

What is the best way to cook meth?

With fava beans and a nice chianti.

What can Donald Trump’s hair be compared to?

A normal haircut. Poorly.

What makes sleeping pills work?

The drug companies keep thousands of children locked up and strapped to beds in special warehouses in third world countries and never allow them to sleep. Every ten minutes a loud, unexpected sound is played to keep them awake, and an automated scraping device collects the “sand” from the corners of their eyes. This sand is then processed and compressed into sleeping pills.

Can Norton Internet Security protect a computer on the deep web?

Norton Internet Security can’t even protect a computer on Animal Crossing.

How would you ruin the country if you ran it?

Quickly and irreversibly.

A time capsule is being made to be opened in 100 years. What would be your personal contribution to it?

A pair of safety scissors with a label attached reading “You will know what to do with these”.

Who terrorizes the terrorists?

The Coast Guard?

What’s the most outlandish Hollywood secret you’ve heard of?

Richard Gere once swallowed so much semen that they had to pump gerbils out of his rib cage!

What’s the weirdest thing you know about whales?

Whales are excellent at poker, but have trouble finding waterproof cards that are big enough for them to easily hold.

What is the most disgusting thing you’ve seen at a music festival?

This filthy moron climbed up on the stage and started screaming incomprehensibly at the crowd.

I think someone said his name was “Kid Rock”.

What is the song “Sugar we’re going down” about?

A sea captain who refuses to curse.

What do you not understand?

The point of fingers.

What would you choose between becoming the most powerful person in the country, or saving lives of all children in internet cafes worldwide right now?

Are you threatening children in internet cafes?

Men who put your hands down your pants, why do you do it?

You want we should put our hands down other men’s pants?

If guns could make any sound other than the sound they currently do when they fire, which sound would be the funniest?

Squiggy saying “Hello”

Does New Zealand exist?

Yes, but it’s full of damn, dirty hobbits.

What’s an item you’d find in a grey market?

Tax exempt whizz-fizz

Do you think there’s a correlation between Muslims in the media and the popularity of Peppa Pig?

Well I do now.

Any good website startup ideas?

Online ordered, drone delivered, instant buckets of shrimp.

What are some shitty things that Wal Mart does that the average person probably doesn’t know about?

Store Chinese soldiers in their basements.

How would you react if your girlfriend was a warlock?

Well I wouldn’t lend her any money for a start.

You happen upon an abandoned semi-truck on the side of the road. You investigate, finding that the truck is full of mannequins…. all with your face. What do you do?

Scream “Mama, put the coins on my eyes ’cause I sure don’t believe what I am seeing!”

Why men feel hot but women feel cold in the same office?

Because all men are spiritually affiliated with Satan, and psychospiritual feedback causes heat from the fires of hell to creep back along the connection, keeping us warm.

What would you do with a gallon of Xenomorph blood?


Why are hot dogs called hot dogs?

Because they’re made from black market dachshunds.

How would the world be if communists followed Groucho Marx instead of Karl Marx?

Duck soup for the proletariat.

I’m 18 years old. What the hell is ‘Beetlejuice’ that aged folk speak of?

It’s a star in the constellation Orion. If you say it three times Neil Degrasse Tyson comes out of your mirror and kills you with a billhook.

How many votes do conjoined twins get in Federal Elections?

None. The 17th amendment prevents “carnival freaks, convicted felons and members of the vile Free-Masons” from voting.

Questions from my Toilet Paper

1: What is the best way to identify a frog species?
Stop it at the border and demand its papers

2: Some frogs can change the colour of their skin, why would they do this?
To keep up with the latest fashions

3: What is the biggest threat to our frogs?
Frog eating aliens from Tau Capricorni

4: True of False? Frogs can leap higher than a house.
True, for a sufficiently small house and a sufficiently large frog.

TP, why you question me?
TP, why you question me?

More Information that You Strictly Require

What is the scariest fact you know?
Hiding inside your body, right at this very minute, is a spooky skeleton.

What do you think causes autism?
Underground mole men zapping pregnant women with beam-rays to bring about the downfall of the human race.

How old are you?
I am older than time itself.

If you could make a mass announcement to everyone in the world what would you say?
It ain’t no sin to take off your skin and dance around in your bones.

What’s the difference between turtles and tortoises?
Tortoises are on top, turtles are all the way down.

Who would be the best Batman and Robin?
Vincent Price and Peter Dinklage

What two types of people are there in the world?
Those with feet shaped like platypuses and those with feet shaped like cassette tapes.

Is there kitty autism?
Cats are already fascinated with shiny spinning objects, stare out windows for hours on end and have no concept of empathy. There’d be no way to tell the difference.

If you could make a modification to a bird or a reptile, what would it be?
I’d give crocodiles the ability to shoot laser beams from their eyes.

Why can’t they harness the power of government spying to create a public database of everyone’s relationship statuses?
You’re assuming they already haven’t.

If you were to name a baby, what would you name him/her?
Hiram Q. Chuzzlewitt. (The Q is for “Friendship”)

What derogatory term will humans be known as once we encounter an alien race?
Flesh chewing extinction monkeys

What are your thoughts on kangaroos?
Most of them are cool, but now and then you’ll find one who refuses to work and just hangs around the shops hassling people for cigarettes.

What should the amalgamation of South Perth and Victoria Park be called?
Winterfell. It’ll bring in tourists and the various varieties of bogans can be explained as “white walkers”.

What do you prefer, rap or screamo?

What would you name a hairless cat?
Hecubus, Destroyer of Worlds

Tell me the truth – are you a time traveler?
I’m currently traveling forwards in time at a rate of 60 seconds per minute. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Why do wearing contact lenses keep my eyes from watering while cutting an onion?
Why does the windshield stop bugs from hitting my face?

What’s the biggest animal you can actually see yourself winning a fight to the death with?
A small tapir

How do you feel about the USA’s ongoing refusal to adopt the metric system?
It makes watching Mythbusters really annoying.

You step into bus full of people, you have one sentence -only- you can yell loudly. What is it?

What would you do with a million dollars?
Buy you a monkey. (Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?)

You’re cursed by a genie and can only use a gif to communicate. What gif do you choose?

You’re suddenly a king of kings, a monarch of immeasurable power and wealth beyond imagination. How would you choose to clean your backside after you poop?
With the neck of a live goose.

Who is the single worst individual to have ever lived?
Og son of Tharg. 54,435 BC to 54,380 BC. May he rot forever in the belly of the cave lion that finally got him!

Why do my headphone cords get tangled up at night?
Traditionally the fair folk tangled up the manes and tails of horses. With so few horses around nowdays they’ve had to get creative.

In a world where Bees rule, and humans don’t exist and everything is the same, what do you think the Bees would name your favorite movie, or television show that currently exists?
Son, I’m just gonna tell you this one time. You wanna keep working here, stay off the drugs.

If you could name an atomic bomb, what would you call it?
El queso del Diablo.

What popular television show has the worst writing?
Cops. Dull repetitive dialogue, and the same scenes over and over again with different actors. “I’ve been in law enforcement for [number] years”, “We’ve been called out to a domestic in [neighbourhood]”, “Sir! Step away from the vehicle!”. You’d probably get a better show if you went out and filmed actual cops at work.

What effects do video games have on young children?
They keep them quiet for a few hours

Today everything in the world is the opposite of what it normally is – what are you dreading most?
Well usually I wake up in the morning alive. Waking up dead would kind of suck.

As you raise your glass to salute, what is your best toast?
“To strong women, handsome girls and vengeance against goats!”

Has there ever actually been a pepper-pot polar bear train?
Belgium had a salt-cellar badger boat in the 1500’s, if that helps?

You have 10 minutes until your apartment is attacked. What is your plan to survive?
Paint myself green and stand in a corner. With luck they’ll mistake me for a house plant.

How do you pronounce “meme” and “gif”?
To rhyme with “doge”

What’s the best way to jiggle your ass?
Butt comes in, butt goes out
That’s what jiggling’s all about

Why the mushroom man do only the visit on night?
Mushroom man visit on nights see only. Why do?

What do you collect?

Is the moon really just the back of the sun?
Yes. And the stars are the holes that the rain falls through.

Where do babies come from?
DNA from all Cousins is collected and put into the House’s Genetic Loom. When the decision is made to create a new Cousin, permission is sought from the High Council and, if granted, the Loom is activated and a new individual is created.

Why are “common utilities” like electricity, water, phone, and internet not provided by the government via taxes?
Because that’s Communism boy!

If there were extra days in a week, what would they be called?
Dogeday Secundus

What are the small white stickers with random numbers I occasionally find on the inside of my clothing?
You have been contacted. Save all of the stickers and wait for further instructions.

What song do you think provides a great analogy for what the Earth will be like in the future?
FADADES – Le Jugement Dernie. Stupid, confusing and full of strange screeching noises.

How many horses died or were harmed in the making of Braveheart?
Hundreds. Every time Mel Gibson stood next to one the crew couldn’t tell the difference between him and its backside, so he demanded it be taken away and shot.

You’re stuck in a maximum security prison with a Spoon, a rabbit and some caltrops. How do you escape?
I have a spoon, a rabbit and caltrops? Why would I ever want to leave!

How old is Jake Roper from Vsauce3?
As old as time itself.

What crime-fighting superhero character can you come up with?
The Black Dog. A clinically depressed crime fighter who can project his deep sense of existential despair into the minds of criminals causing them to collapse on the ground in a sobbing heap. Dresses all in black with a balaclava, a trenchcoat and a spiked dog collar around his neck. His weakness is criminals who are already depressed (because they’re used to dealing with depression and can keep on functioning despite it) and getting out of bed each morning.

How do Mormons teleport?
They put their left foot in, their left foot out, their left foot in and they shake it all about.

What’s your deep, dark secrets, fantasies, guilty pleasures, fetishes, thoughts, ideas, or desires?
My deep, dark secrets, fantasies, guilty pleasures, fetishes, thoughts, ideas, and/or desires, these desires, ideas, thoughts, fetishes, guilty pleasures, fantasies and deep dark secrets that I have, that is to say these deep, dark secrets, fantasies, guilty pleasures, fetishes, thoughts, ideas, and desires which belong to me – ahem – these desires, ideas, thoughts, fetishes, guilty pleasures, fantasies and deep dark secrets of mine, that I have, are – Ahem – that is to say, are mine.

If you had ten million US dollars, what would you do?
Buy you ten monkeys. (Haven’t you always wanted ten monkeys?)

What are your top 3 favorite songs to make out to?

What was the thing that sliced bread took over from as the new best thing?
Curing syphilis with malaria.

Why is there no He-Man Movie?
Vladimir Putin has – sadly – refused all offers to take on the title role.

What is the worst name for a pirate ship that you can think of?
The Jolly Anus

If you could go back in time and kill anyone, who would you kill?
It has been well established that going back in time and killing Hitler only makes the present worse. Thus, logically, the only way to make a better present for us all is to go back and kill Mr Rogers.

What fetishes do you think old, famed, presidents, artists, generals etc. had?
Abraham Lincoln had an unhealthy interest in river boats. You know what I mean.

What if you cut off your own leg and discovered that you are a robot?
It would be great! I’d discover what my powers were, and then decide whether to use them for good, or awesome!

When did bowing ones head during prayer become a thing?
8:32am, June 24th 406 BC. It was a Tuesday.

What song makes you feel sexy?
Goodbye Horses

If you could re-imagine a TV show, which one would you choose?
Care Bears, but the bears are a hard bitten insurgent group riven by internal rivalries and hatreds, and the entire resistance is on the edge of collapse after years of occupation. Will they struggle on? Will they go out in a blaze of glory, firing their AK-47s to the last bullet? Or will they fall prey to the traitor in their midst?

What do people not say anymore because of the passage of time?
Gehyyrst thuu, saelida, hwaet this folc segeth?

Who is currently the most important person in the world?
Roger Albert Fische of King Edward Street, Brighton, UK. He is the most important person on Earth, but will never realise it.

What is the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you can make up right now?
Game of Thrones is funded by the 4H Club to favourably influence the American public’s opinion of monarchy and feudalism so as to increase the likelihood of right wing governments coming into power across the USA who will direct funding away from schools that teach evolution thus hindering the ability of rural students to learn about animal husbandry in class and sending them to the 4H Club to make up the gap.

What’s more metal than a Tibetan Sky Burial?
A Tibetan Sky Burial with pterodactyls.

If you could add another amendment to the US Constitution, what would it be?
The 28th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America: We the people solemnly declare that Magellan is cooler than Justin Beibler.

What’s the most stupid or useless thought you have that’s not worth sharing?
You could probably reinterpret Jingle Bells as a story of 19th century date rape.

How fat my Mama be?
Yo mamma so fat she need to discuss a treatment plan with her primary health care provider to improve her quality of life.

What is the one thing about yourself you don’t want anyone to know?
People think I’m a fully grown adult, but I’m actually three kids under a long coat.

What are you thinking about right now, this very second?
The lead singer of Sparklehorse, kneeling unconscious on a bed with his legs slowly dying beneath him from lack of blood flow.

If you were elected president of USA, what’s the first thing you would change?
My underwear, which would have been ruined the moment someone told me “You’ve been elected President of the USA!”

How would you react if you found out your whole life was like the Truman show?
Demand better writers

It’s 2 A.M. What are you doing?
It’s 11:30 in the morning you heretic!

What movie needs a sequel?
We desperately need them to produce Leonard Part 7 before Bill Cosby is to old to take the lead role.

Could Superman survive at the bottom of the ocean?
He would be able to survive just fine for a while, but would eventually run out of stored solar energy. At that point he’d just get Aquaman to send some sea anemones to save him.

What is the best thing to say to a stranger and then just walk away?
“Good morrow sir! Do not have a cow, but can you inform me of directions towards the nearest scriptorium, library, video cassette hire facility or neuro-zap download station? And, although it may seem greely or as some kind of joke or prank, can you confirm for me that this is the year Anno Domini two-zero-one-four?”

Have you ever made a porn?
Made some for dinner the other night with garlic and parsley, everyone thought they were… oh. I thought you said prawn.

How do you kill a robot?
Why would you want to kill a robot? They protect us from the terrible secret of space!

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word “internet”?
A cat on a turntable going round and round forever.

Why we don’t have to remember to breathe?
Because evolution dealt pretty harshly with all the people who did have to remember.

Who was the last great leader of your country and why?
Harold Holt – He laid down his life to save us from the ocean!

What movie best depicts rural life in the 1950s?
The Holy Mountain (Rural life in the 50’s was a lot stranger than people think…)

What would happen if alcohol was made illegal tomorrow?
Al Capone would rise from the grave and dance the Charleston on top of a flagpole.

If All TV Shows had to use the same song in their opener, what would be the best one?
The ALF Theme. Remember ALF? He’s back! In theme form!

Which fast food chain is the worst and why?
Colonel Backwash’s. Crappy chicken marketed to inbred hillbillies. The only barely edible thing are the lung puppies and half the time they’ve run out of them.

If you were a professional fighter / wrestler, what song or music would be your entrance theme?
Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson – the Polka version !

Do rats have the ability to be proud?
Yes, but they also suffer from crippling existential self doubt, so they only very rarely feel it.

What’s should I name my Bar?
The Scabies Hole. It’d go out of business in no time, but you’d still go down in history as the only guy to ever run a bar named The Scabies Hole.

If Obama went rogue, how much damage would he be able to do?
Not much. The Secret Service carry tranquiliser darts for just such an eventuality. They were last used in July 1976 when Gerald Ford attempted to maul a toddler.

Is Nik Kershaw the best European musician?
It’s a riddle, that’s for sure.

Is BMW right for me?
The real question is, are you right for BMW?

What is the allure of tapas?
You can reuse them so much more easily than CDs. Oh, sorry, I thought you asked about tapes.

What’s the worst thing you would do if it meant your country won the world cup as a result?
Glare harshly, and I mean HARSHLY, at a cute little puppy.

What is the best thing about being your gender?
Being able to sing the deep bit in the Far Away song.
(I’m lying, I can’t actually sing that bit)

What are the best Swords and Sandals Movies?
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Why isn’t there a children’s hospital with a Scooby Doo ICU?
They tried, but Shaggy got into the drugs locker and it didn’t end very well.

What is the name of the Muslim priest who performs weddings?
Father Barry Mushasha

How do I become president of the United States?
The traditional method is to break into the White House, defeat the current President in a duel then drink his blood vampire style to steal his Executive Power (John Tyler doing this a little too enthusiastically is the reason William Henry Harrison died in office).

If I build a spacecraft and fly to Mars, would I be able to claim it as my own planet?
You’d have to defeat Rumbleroar in a Wizard Duel first. RUMBLEROAR!!

What are those thousands of brand new buses stored in the desert East of Barstow Ca. for?
They’re transports reserved for when Obama orders FEMA to put everyone into internment camps. The seats have been specially modified so they can be pulled out and the buses used for corpse transport once everyone has been locked up. IT’S IN REVELATIONS PEOPLE!!

What celebrity has sold his/her soul to the devil?
Mathew Perry. That’s why you never see him in anything any more, he retired from acting with everything he needs courtesy of Satan.

What’s the best seasoning to put on some popcorn?
Salt. Plain, ordinary sodium chloride. Anyone who puts anything else on popcorn is a heathen who will be cast into the outer darkness where there will be a wailing, a gnashing of teeth and nothing to snack on except expired dry ramen (those without teeth will have to craft them themselves out of stale noodles).

What’s going on your tombstone?
Probably a variety of birds and the occasional drunken vagrant.

Do you are you can be in a few months and I can?
Can I and months few a in be, can you are you do?

In 15 minutes, Glenn Greenwald is releasing the biggest NSA story as a finale – predictions on what it’s going to be?
Obama is a reptilian Muslim grown in a test tube in area 51 with communist DNA collected from the Nazi flying saucer that crashed at Roswell. IT’S IN REVELATIONS PEOPLE!!

Doesn’t that mean he is a valid candidate for the Presidency?
No! The Constitution says ‘Natural Born Citizen’, not ‘Blasphemously slithered out of an incubation chamber onto a bed of bovine collagen substrate Citizen’. Unnatural Meddling! Evil! Sorcery! Popery! Free Silver! Etc!

What is the upcoming Star Wars movie going to be about?
The re-established Republic will be threatened by the rise of a new Dark Lord of the Sith who will use massively powerful computers to sabotage the Imperial Archives and rewrite history. A plucky band of heroes will band together to defeat Darth Luu Kass and restore the historical record.

How will World War III start?
The will CIA hack Ayman Mohammed Rabie al-Zawahiri’s computer and replace the operating system with a picture of a naked Barack Obama repeating the phrase “Hello. There. You’re. Quite Good. At. Turning Me On.” This unfortunately interacts with a virus placed on the same machine by Mossad, and the resulting super-virus infects half of all the computers on Earth including that of Kim Il Sung.

Kim’s computer then sends an infected email to his good buddy Dennis Rodman. Rodman freaks out over what he suspects Kim is trying to tell him, and sends back a fork bomb zip file. Kim’s sub-par tech support open this and the resulting crash cascades throughout North Korea’s entire computer network (all five PCs!). One of these happens to be in the middle of a Skype session with Ali Hosseini Khamenei, who takes the resulting nasty farting sound and blank screen as a personal insult, and orders a nuclear strike against Israel (this being his solution for everything).

The Israeli defence network is struggling with the Super Sexy Obama Virus and can’t intercept the missile in time to destroy it. Instead they are able to alter its flight course and it lands off the Italian Island of Stromboli. This triggers a volcanic eruption and the resulting explosion sends a tsunami smashing into Italy and up the Tiber into Rome. In the Vactican, Pope Francis is just finishing the morning mass when the wave hits, and he is fataly impaled on a rather nice piece of sculpture washed out from the Vactican museum.

The world’s Catholics declare war on Israel, who have already declared war on Iran, who have in the meantime declared war on North Korea, who are doing their best (through major computer problems) to declare war on the Treacherous Imperialist Dennis Rodman. President Obama – already in a bad mood due to a toothache and the whole Super Sexy Virus thing – calls an emergency press conference at which he announces “Fuck You All!” and launches the entire US nuclear arsenal in random directions.

The world is engulfed in flame, and the only survivor is a simple minded Janitor named Milo, who spends the next 34 years buffing the floors at Mount Weather before slipping and breaking his skull on a drum of military grade Tang powder.

If you had 300 dollars what would you spend it on?
I’d buy you 0.0003 of a monkey. (Haven’t you always wanted 0.003 of a monkey?).

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