Start the Year Right!

Who’s the best Leon of all time?
Leon from the movie Lindsey and Leon go to a Roller Disco

What would kill a Victorian child nowadays?
Victorian children drank mercury for breakfast, ate coal dust for lunch and swallowed cholera for dinner. We wouldn’t be able to kill them with napalm.

What do you think is really the problem with people?
There’s only so much intelligence available and the more people there are the less each person gets.

What are some situations where people deserve to lose their bank accounts, homes, and jobs?
Putting bandanas on their dogs!

What is the life of a sane person like?
How the hell would I know?

What do you think of people that have pet rats and they kiss them?
Worse things happen at sea!

You are tasked with reordering the alphabet, what does it look like now?
Dél wiþ it!

How do you get out of a conversation?
“I have to go now. My planet needs me.” walk away

What does ghana think about MINUSMA? Does Ghana think MINUSMA should contiune or change? What does Ghana think about cooperation between MINUSMA and the Mali Goverment?
Do I look like a West African Nation?

If you know death is just 5 minutes away, what are you eating?
Something really weird to give the Medical Examiner a surprise!

What is some random advice for today?
Don’t take any wooden bitcoins on the digital super highway

Where do we come from?
We evolved from octopuses and are on a gradual journey back to the sea!

What does every man need in his life?
A genuine bona-fide electrified six-car monorail!

What advice to give an introvert when going to bootcamp for the first time?
Make your will

What kind of physical touch best says “I love you” to you?
Not touching me without explicit permission.

If you were held at gun point and told that if you didn’t impress them with your dance moves you would be killed, what dance moves would you bust out?
I’d sit down on the floor and say “Let’s just get this over with”

What colour is a mirror?
How high is the sky?

What movie completely changes its plot when you change one letter in its title? What’s the new movie about?
Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalken
The plot. Doesn’t really. Change. But it kind of. Starts and. Stops. A lot.

What’s the closest thing to being dead without being dead?
Spending time in Hoboken New Jersey

How would you explain being high to someone who’s never been high?
An unpleasant experience where your muscular control over your body is impaired and your thought processes are unreliable. Not recommended.

What are some biological flaws within the human body?
Running air and fuel through the same port.

What is the most 90’s thing you can think of?
That annoying cartoon character with the pointy chin and wavy hair

Fido Dido?
That’s the fellow!

if you woke up in a basement looking area with nothing but a dog, what would you do?
Pat the dog

What’s your position on chiropractors?
At best they’re the equivalent of a massage therapist. At worst they’ll inflict permanent spinal damage on you while telling you they’re curing your cancer.

The inventor of chiropractic claimed he was told about it by a ghost, and that every disease from the common cold to schizophrenia was caused by a misaligned spine. It’s utter crap.

What if you could ask the universe a question about anything knowing you’d have your answer, what would you ask?
How you doing’?

What makes a kick in the nuts funny?
The fact that it’s not you

What subjects should schools start teaching the children?
Healing, curses, hexes, vexes and other excesses

If you could only play one bord game in your life from this point on what would you chose?
A straight road or passageway driven at right angles to the main cleavage of the coal in a coal mine? Doesn’t sound very entertaining to me…

What if one day God descended from the heavens, said – “These people whom you worship as gods in your specific religions is just me in my different forms” and went away without any more explanations?
Good luck convincing people it was actually God and not just a particularly obtuse Pepsi commercial.

What’s something that took you way too long to figure out?
That organised labour was not heavily involved in the Northern Ireland conflict.

Your nationality gives you game-like stats. What would your nationality buffs and debuffs be?
+5 Animal Handling
+5 Carousing
+5 Casual Racism

What is y’all predictions for 2023?
Things will get worse.

How often have you had the desire to just go up to Donald Trump and vigorously rub your hand on his head just to see if his hair was real and not a toupee?
Never! I don’t want to catch anything!

What instantly comes to mind when you hear “Money”?
Get away!

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would purchase?
Depends how much I won. No point going yacht shopping if my payout is $2.50

How do you make someone feel better after you told them they look average?
Remind them that that means they look better than or equal to half the population

What’s a good reason to punch a kid in the face?

If you could meet any Greek god or titan and ask them 1 question, which god/titan would you pick and what question would you ask them?
I’d ask Cronus “So how’s that whole eating your children thing working out for you?”

If you could do anything you wanted, without the complications stopping you, what would you do?
Drape myself entirely in velvet

Why’s everyone looking for someone to hate?
Freddy Mercury isn’t!

Why is there no Mark IX armour?
Cawl works exclusively in binary and sometimes screws up his translations to decimal

If Earth was in a binary system with another life-hosting planet?
Mondas intensifies!

What are some fun activities that can be done in Prague during Christmas other than looking at nice architectures?
Golem hunting!

What would be the historic changes that would arise if the Space Shuttle Challenger worked?
It did work – perfectly – for nine missions.

What motivates you to keep going?
Spite. I refuse to let the universe win!

How big is Santa’s penis?
He’s a crime fighting genius and he always has hot young chicks on his boat. Santa’s cock is a foot long!

No, wait, I’m thinking about Quincy…

What made you not want to have kids?
I’ve never wanted to have kids. I remain puzzled by what makes other people so keen to have them.

What questions should we NOT ask on a date?
Have you no sense of decency, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?

What weird thing would you make socially acceptable if possible?
Draping oneself entirely in velvet

What is your astrological sign?
Lobo, the wolf!

Those who don’t wash your hair ‘traditionally’ (with shampoo), what do you do use if anything at all?

What’s your country’s Ohio?
Heard Island. It’s round at each end and high in the middle.

What foreign laws were you unaware of, when traveling to that country, that landed you in that country’s jail/prison?
You gotta be really careful hailing a taxi in Germany…

Who is the best fictional Father or Father figure?
Gomez Addams

What is a good way to start a conversation with a complete stranger?
“I am Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer! Are you the Gatekeeper?”

What is the meaning of life?
A somewhat disappointing Monty Python movie released in 1983. The accompanying The Crimson Permanent Assurance short however is actually rather good.

What events justifies Lionel Messi as the real GOAT?
His deep hatred of trolls and diet of old tin cans

Why would one be a flat-earther?
Religion. Scratch a hardcore flat-earther and you’ll find a religious fundamentalist of some kind.

How would you prove existence or nonexistence of God?
There’s no scientific way to prove or disprove the existence of something that exists outside-of/above nature.

If you were a Villain, What would your evil lair look like?
A 2 kilometer tall pillar of polished black basalt rising from the icy, storm-wracked waters of the Southern Ocean.

What are some everyday items with hidden features we don’t know about?
Wolverines have a button on the back of their necks that switches them between French and English mode.

What would happen if Kanye West managed to become president one day?
The living would envy the dead

What supplement/vitamin/health food do you swear by?
Bug powder dust and Mugwump jism.

What was the robot and guy that taught us things at school?
Uncle Fingers and Dickbot 3000?

You are a Hollywood executive devoid of any creativity, what children’s toy will you turn into the next billion dollar action-movie franchise?
Fidget spinners were HUGE but no one made a movie!? Get Michael Bay on the line NOW!!

How often do you brush your dogs teeth?
A question my spam folder asks me every day!

What is the best sour patch kids flavor?

What do you think is missing from the pages of our history that was never taught to us neither had been recorded properly as per public view but in reality has a world changing truth never brought out to the public?
They don’t want you to know that Thomas Jefferson was advised on the writing of the Declaration of Independence by a duck!

If you had unlimited money, what’s one thing you still wouldn’t buy?
Shitty cartoons of monkeys

Did you hook up with your bully? If so, how’d it go?
I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question

What is a sports commentator?
The term ‘sports commentator’ is used to refer to a member of many species of even-toed ruminant that are indigenous to various regions in Africa and Eurasia.

Oh, sorry, that’s ‘antelope’. Disregard!

Why were we born humans and not Na’vi from Avatar?
I’m gonna have to start by explaining the difference between reality and fiction.

How did you end up in your career today?
The government locked me in a room with a landline and phone book and wouldn’t let me out until I had a job interview.

You’ve just come across the TARDIS unlocked with the Doctor nowhere in sight. The door is open, the controls are surprisingly easy to understand, and you have the entirety of human history available to you. Where do you go, and what do you do when you get there?
Even assuming the TARDIS will go where I tell it to (which is a big if!) I’m not gonna risk messing with history, I’ll just ferret around until I find the Time-Space Visualiser and watch history instead.

People who visited the Mystery Flesh Pit before the incident, what was the scariest thing you saw?
The scariest thing was how flimsy all the bracing looked. They kept telling us it was perfectly safe but I was terrified that it would all collapse at any second 🙁

What is your opinion about the Illuminati?
A useful distraction from the politicians, corporations and rich bastards who actually run the world.

Using the name of a TV series or movie, how would you describe your love life?
Alone in the Dark

How do you react if a guy uses the urinal that is right next to you?
Name his penis!

What is the best way to combat angry neighbors?
Bury plutonium in their lawn

How do we know we all see the same colors?
We don’t. Welcome to reality kid!

What do you wear on a first date?
My robe and wizard hat

What are some really weird noises you make when you’re completely alone at home?
Every now and then I’ll chant “wub wub wub wub wub wub” for no reason at all.

How do you say UNO; ‘oo-no’ or ‘you-no’?
It’s pronounced ‘doge’

What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever experienced in college?
A guy trying to pick me up because the place I decided to eat my lunch at turned out to be the campus gay beat.

What would you do if you woke up dead?
Take off my skin and dance around in my bones.

What’s some good advice for High Schoolers visiting New York for the first time?
The sewers are much safer these days as most of the alligators have been eaten by the CHUDs.

People who can’t be in a relationship. Why and what’s your story?
Avoidant Personality Disorder! It’s a riot!

What do you think about zodiac partnership compatibility?
People who believe in something as ludicrous as astrology deserve each other

If you could remove one color in the whole world, what would it be and why?
I did it last week. Go see if you can find anything coloured ikrall!

Sea level is slowly rising above EVERY continent at unpredictable speeds, what’s your next move?
Try really hard to evolve gills

What is your favorite state?

Which song has the lyrics easiest to get wrong?
Anything performed by James Reyne

How do deaf people hear voices in dreams?
If they do then it’s probably the same way in your dreams that your hand is your hand but it’s also a crocodile that belongs to your neighbour and you have to look after it even though you don’t want to and it’s a yacht.

The world is collapsing. You can bring just one person with you to another planet. Who do you choose?
No way I could pick someone. I’d just let someone else take two people.

What is a stranger you meet at the pub red flag?
Offering you tourist-class tickets to the Interzone.

How would you react to NASA announcing the existence of a city sized spider with webbing across the whole asteroid belt?
I’d be very glad that it was about 500 million kilometers away.

What songs are romantic?
Berserker by Cousin Olaf

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done to try impress a crush?
In high school I did the rap from the KLF’s Justified and Ancient at three times normal speed to impress a girl.

Somehow she was not impressed.

What’s the scariest part about life?
That any sufficiently motivated dickhead can instantly take it away from you.

Completely straight men and women, how confident are you, if big money was on the line, of your ability to please someone of the same gender as you?
I’m not even confident of pleasing the opposite gender.

What is being an adult like?
Like being a kid but with more problems, more responsibility and less people to help you out.

In your opinion who has the most epic/badass one man army story throughout history?
I’m not sure if it technically counts as badass but in 1944 Finnish soldier Aimo Koivunen took his entire unit’s supply of speed in one hit and skied 400km, living on nothing but pine needles and a bird he slapped straight out of the air.

What do you hate about cats?
Their Fel D 1 Secretoglobin protein complex.

Which is the most hated western European country and why?
Neutral Moresnet. Zinc hoarding bastards!

You wake up in an alien ship with a probe half way up your doopa – what’s your next move?
Turn to the nearest alien and say “Gary, we talked about this!”

Non-Americans, what is your opinion of American football?
All that padding! Hilarious!

A “loose unit”. What does it mean when describing a person?
It means that – for better or worse – they are an unpredictable, freewheeling agent of chaos.

What will we soon be in the golden age of?
Resource wars!

What is something the majority of people like to do, but you hate?
Getting high/drunk. Every recreational drug I’ve tried makes me feel weird, uncomfortable and shitty.

Why do you want to keep living?
Because I haven’t learnt everything yet!

What is the best movie ever?
Lindsey and Leon go to the Roller Disco

Why why why why why?
Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

People who have been in awkward situations, what’s the secret to getting out of it?
Shout “This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!” and hurl yourself through the nearest window.

What’s something normal in Brazil and not in other countries?
Using a cardboard disc to indicate whether you wish to be continually stuffed with meat.

How many languages can you speak and what are they?
I can speak English, manage a few words and phrases in Spanish, French, Italian and German, and yell a few words in Japanese and Finnish. So – in conclusion – one.

English speakers, is it kitty corner or catty corner and why/where are you from?
It’s “diagonal”.

What’s the worst threat to Society?
Dolphins developing opposable thumbs.

What’s your favourite Pokemon and why?
I luuuurve the sexy slither of a mudkip

If the events of Harry Potter happened in real life, which side would you be on? Voldemort’s or Harry’s?
Can’t I be on both? Like the late Earl Warren?

If you were allowed to nuke a country, knowing your attack won’t be condemned and your target can’t retaliate, would you do it, and if yes, what country would you nuke?
How to say “I’m a sociopath” without saying “I’m a sociopath”

Who’s the best Spongebob character?

If you didn’t have to work, how would you spend your days?
I don’t know, but I’d like the opportunity to find out.

What would you choose a stray cat or a breed cat like Persian or British, and why?
I’d choose a dog because I’m deadly allergic to cats.

How do you feel about people who hate music?
I suspect they are some kind of alien in a skin suit.

if you had a $3000 Louis Vuitton work bag would you take it with you when you leave the office without cameras on your two 15 minute breaks and your one 30 minute break? Why, why not?
If I had a $3000 Louis Vuitton work bag I’d sell it, buy a $50 work bag and enjoy having an extra $2950

What do people mean when they say they are too tired after work for fun?
How to say “I’m an extrovert” without saying “I’m an extrovert”

What’s the nearest thing you can grab onto if gravity were to suddenly flip?
Grabbing onto something would be a minor concern as the entire universe blows itself to pieces.

Can men get pregnant? If so, how and how do they give birth?
How is babby formed? How man get pragnent?

Straight people, would you date someone who is non-binary?
If I found them attractive, sure.

What is a sigma male?
A person who thinks an embarrassingly inaccurate model of wolf social dynamics somehow applies to human beings.

If Sony decided to use a different name for PlayStation 6, what would it be?
Crash Bandicoot’s Glory Box

It’s 30 days into the apocalypse where are you and what are you doing for supplies?
Oh please! I was killed by a biker gang on day 8!

What would you do if the world disappeared?

What topics are absolutely inappropriate on a first date?
The Treaty of Westphalia. That’s just asking for trouble!

You can choose your last dinner. What is it?
I did choose my last dinner. I had Chinese. I’m now considering what to have for dinner tonight.

How would you react if you found out that your kids have been secretly using your credit cards to buy stuff, but instead of video games they spent it on Bored Apes NFTs?
I’d take them out back and shoot them.

You can ask one question to Putin. What do you ask?
Do you ever think about Stalin lying on his bedroom floor, wracked with pain, his consciousness slowly fading away as he listens to his underlings bicker about how they’re going to divide his power amongst themselves and laugh about not calling a doctor?

What are your thoughts on multiple genders these days?
Western society is finally have to face up to the fact that nature doesn’t fit into neat little boxes.

What do you think about kpop ?
Not my thing, but if someone enjoys it then who am I to argue with them?

Why don’t we just give Taiwan to China?
We can give them your house too!

You get one superpower, but the catch is that nobody can have ever thought of it before. What’s your superpower?
I can shoot objects into orbit by pointing at them John Travolta disco style.

What is the worst dog breed and why?
The Dandie Dinmont Terrier. It looks like it was bred to go down holes after sewage.

What medicines do you take, and why?
Antihistamines to stop my immune system from mugging me, antidepressants to stop my brain from mugging me, lactase to stop my guts from freaking out at the sight of cheese, anti-inflammatories to stop my jaw locking up and amphetamines to keep me awake.

If Ukraine joins NATO, what city in the world will Russia Nuke first?
Saint Petersburg (they’d be aiming for Helsinki, but, y’know, Russians)

Le penis is chewy, and it tastes like steak, they also sell it now in restaurants and it costs $0.99 for starters, what do you think about it?
I think that’s one hell of a fetish you’re dealing with there.

Which villain is more iconic, Dr. Doofenshmirtz or Robbie Rotten?
Robbie Rotten almost mowed down a friend of mine with his bike once, so I’ll go with him.

What is one thing in your home that’s broken that you never seem to get around to fixing?

What are good things to do, to increase a valuation on a house?
Bury a statue of St Joseph upside down in the yard.

Why do you feel like an anomaly?
Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you feel like an anomaly.

You have been granted the power to give everyone in the world one object. What is that object?

You’re suddenly the president of your country, you have one week to fuck your whole country up. What do you do?
Declare war on China

Who is the most prolific killer ever, in your opinion?
Thomas Midgley Jr.

How often do you go in the woods to roast chestnuts?
All the time! (if by ‘roast’ you mean ‘brutally murder’ and by ‘chestnuts’ you mean ‘vagrants’…)

What’s the best way to lose weight?
A spell in a Russian prison.

What’s more attractive for girls, a guy walking around eating an apple or smoking a cigarette?
I would imagine it depends on the personal taste of the individual girl in question.

What are some things that pregnant women should avoid that not everyone knows about?
False vacuum decay

What might be the reason that someone checked in a hotel room at 9, then kept moving, throwing heavy things around/open and close closets drawers until 12, and then walked across the room back and forth from 1 to 3 am?
Sir, we haven’t rented that room out in years. Not since ‘The Incident’…

How would you spend your holidays if you had to spend them alone?
I do spend my holidays alone. It’s pretty sweet.

What is the plot of your favorite book or movie explained as horribly as possible?
A group of academics start a small business but are hampered by interference from the EPA.

Who is the Greatest Musician/Band of all time?
Shooby Taylor, the human horn!

If you can bluntly tell people how you want to be treated, how would you describe it?
You should all grovel before me like DOGS!!

What is placed in the Vatican’s vault?
The was nothing in the Vactican vault, But it wasn’t Pope Benedicts’s fault!

What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Does crocodile stir-fry count as weird?

What is the ONLY original Rule 34 website?!

What would happen if adults were the only authorized users on social media?
The spelling would improve slightly.

What is a woman?
A rag, a bone and a hank of hair

What ridiculous and untrue, yet plausible, explanation can you come up with for the cause of a headache?
Inside you there are two wolves. One of them has their teeth in your medulla oblongata.

Going downtown to ask folks questions live; what questions should be asked?
“Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist party?”

What would happen if we threw a nuclear bomb into the middle of an active volcanic crater?
The bomb would melt and the lava would become slightly more radioactive.

You have an hour to create a new movie idea, explain your idea?
An Englishman is stopped in a dark country lane by a giant, glowing goat who tells him to go to the top of the highest mountain in Spain on midsummer’s day for his ‘reward’. Comic hi-jinks ensue as he tries to convince his wife, his friends, his bank manager and the Spanish immigration services that he’s not insane.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Betty White

How do you have sex with glasses?
Use lots of lube

You now have one extra room in your house, what you do with it?
Decorate it to look like the Back Rooms.

When did we as a society decide money matters more then love?
If by “money” you mean “resources” then as soon as humans existed. You can’t eat love!

What is Rick and Morty?
An Australian cartoon about a violent lunatic looking for a green cube.

What’s the affect of left handed kid being forced to become right handed?
The worst handwriting you’ve ever seen.

What’s the most ruthless and efficient way to become mayor of a small town?
Contaminate all the local salad bars with e. coli so everyone is too sick to vote except for your followers.

What is a tomato?
A wolf peach!

People who knows about mewing, how to keep your tongue up all the time and is it bad if tip of the tongue is pushing the front teeth?
Mewing doesn’t do anything except prove your gullibility to dumbass internet fads.

How come we are taught advanced math in school if most of us aren’t going to use it?
Because learning difficult shit is good for your brain.

Who is “the hero we need right now”?
Vermin Supreme!

What do you consider as the definition of “art”?
Anything that is put on display is art. Whether it’s good art is another issue entirely.

What would you do if Dream died?
He did, but as one of the Endless he was instantly replaced by a new incarnation.

if you were god and there is nothing except you, what’s the first thing you’d do?

What do you think of Zendaya?
I have no objection to Zendaya.

What is the best and most hilarious opening line if you want to make the other person laugh?
“Hi, I’m a pedigree racehourse. MOOOOOOOOOO!”

What would you like to be written on your grave?
Death is but a Door
Time is but a Window
I will return

People who don’t live in the US, are you happy where you live?
Hell yeah! Socialised healthcare and a minuscule chance of getting shot – what’s not to love?

What would you name your yacht if you had one?
“Perfectly Normal Boat”

What’s the best answer to “Where do you see yourself in 10 years”?
“Dancing on your grave!”

There are many empty malls, and there will be many more in the near future. What can they be repurposed for?
Hobo battle arenas

Let’s say we live in a world where we’re all cars, exactly like the Pixar movie. What car would you be?
A Lightburn and Co. Zeta Sedan

What is the best unreleased song you’ve ever heard?
Where’d the Cheese Go Part 2 by Ween

What do you think is the biggest mistake of humanity?
Coming down out of the trees.

What’s the most creative band name in your opinion?
“9cm Worm Makes Own Food”

What do you think about free will?
I believe I have free will, but I may not have any choice in the matter…

Who is the best President the United Stares has had?
Lipton Quick

What are some mind-blowing facts about cricket?
At Edgbaston in 1932 (as Canter was facing Willcox bowling from the pavilion end) a spectator ran onto the ground claiming to have seen an alligator materialise on the pitch. No one else saw anything and Warwickshire went on to win by three wickets.

Why can’t we all just be nice and get along?
He’s trying to make us be nice! Break his knees!

Where do all the hot and sexy Martian women hang out?
Club Barsoom on the north side of Olympus Mons

Which generation did it better between Grease (1978) & High School Musical (2006)?
Remind me, which one had the school shooting scene?

What is the greatest song of all time?
Hot Dogs and Apple Sauce

If Neanderthals were still alive today, what kind of racist slurs would we use on them?

What is the best Michael Jackson song?
Ben – The greatest love song ever written for a cannibalistic rat!

Who is the most shameful figure in history?
Binro the Heretic. Crazy bastard with his “the stars are far away suns!” and “Ribos moves, not the heavens!”. Torture was too good for him!

What is your darkest desire?
To have a hundred of the Earth dollars!

Which artist would you consider a industry plant?
Dua Lipa was grown out of broccoli by the Monsanto Corporation!

What’s the most exciting moment while hunting?
When your prey realises there’s no escape and resorts to promises of money or whining about having a wife and children.

If you were held at gunpoint, what would you say?
‘Tective man a say, say daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane a licky boom boom dem!

Essential Information for the New Year

Why is life so mysterious?

It wasn’t, until George Washington broke the seal on the Oak Island money pit and released the ancient spirit of evil known as “Walt Disney”. Thanks George!

What lessons from the Bible can be applied to everyday life, irrespective of religious affiliation?

Don’t make fun of bald guys, they might sic bears on you.

What is the best way to get to know someone when your intentions are romantic?

1: Moonwalk up to them
2: Snap your fingers in their face
3: Say “You, me, ayyyy?”
4: Put on sunglasses
5: Point at them
6: Moonwalk away while still pointing

Point at the sunglasses or the person?

Either works.

What does your dog just not understand?


Why can humans sing?

To offer praise and worship to Zeus, obviously.

What caused you to lose your faith in the main maetrs aidem?

The mushroom man! He comes in the night and steals your faith! Sharp of tongue and spindle limbed he is, and cunning! He extracts it through your nose with special pliers! Beware of the mushroom man!

Why is the plural of goose is geese and the plural of moose is moose?

In the 1500s Pope Gooses I got sick of people making jokes about his name and issued a proclamation that made it a mortal sin to pluralise the word “goose”. After some decades of confusion (and exploitation by unscrupulous goose salesmen) the alternative plural “geese” was invented.

When moose were discovered in 1937 the Hearst newspaper empire ran a series of cartoons involving geese and “meese”. Readers found these so annoying that Congress passed a law (sponsored of course by unscrupulous moose salesmen) establishing the plural of “moose” as “moose”.

What do glasses fix or correct?

Uncoolness. If a young person is uncool, they can increase their coolness by 10%-60% by combining black, thick rimmed glasses with an appropriate haircut.

Would you ever watch a new live-action take on He-Man?

Only if it was a buddy movie about undercover cops infiltrating the Eternian bodybuilding scene in search of steroid dealers.

What do they not want you to eat?

The heart of a king.

If you could interview anyone (dead or alive) and they had to honestly answer every question, who would you interview and what would you ask?

General Washington, what is your favourite variety of cheese?

If New York City broke off and started sinking into the ocean, and you could only save one person, who would you save?

That guy who plays guitar in a cowboy hat and speedo. Human civilisation would be pointless without him!

Why did a lot of 90s Dance music videos feature people running with briefcases?

The fastest way to digitally distribute music in the 1990s was to copy it to floppy discs and run them across town in briefcases. You could hardly move through a major city without being knocked down by people running around with briefcases full of the latest Ace of Base album!

You are selected by the Illuminati to travel to Ethiopia with a mission to destroy local priest. How do you plan to destroy him?

Make snide comments about his weight.

He just laughs

Well I’m outa ideas!

When was the last time you were in Saskatoon?

Does a secret Illuminati base 800 feet underground count as “in”?

You can now turn into a fly but you stay human sized. What do you do with your new power?

Head to the local make-out spot and scare the hell out of horny teenagers.

You can ask Hitler one question. What do you ask him?

“Dude, seriously?

Why is the what not but how and this should but could is why?

Why is could but should this and how but not what the is why?

What questions do you want to see asked at the GOP debate?

If a train leaves Tulsa at 9:00am traveling at 87 miles per hour and Superman can lift 200 times his own weight are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?

Would it be feasible to construct a launch pad on the moon?

You’d have to build a launch pad on Earth first to get everything to the moon, and sadly – as we all know – that’s impossible.

What would a Romulan class Intergalactic Battle Bagel sound like flying around?

mimimimi mimimimimi

What is one animal’s meat that you would not eat?

Meat-man. I mean he’ll happily give you his meat, but it just seems creepy to me.

You can change any chain of events that you want to, but whatever you change has an equally negative effect on you as before. Would you change anything?

I’d alter events to include a walrus. The vicissitudes of life are much easier to handle when you get to see a walrus.

What are you waiting for like crazy that nobody else seems to care about?

The coming of the Necro-Mantis!

I just got into the twitter scene, what is the whole @ thing about with people’s names? And how do people find you to follow you?

‘@’ indicates that the person is a member of the Illuminati.

You collect followers by approaching people in urban alleyways after dark and asking “Have you got change for a penny yo shizzle?”

What would you do if your dad was a WWII veteran that supported Trump?

Stand in front of my microwave with the door open and hope it changes my DNA.

Michael Jackson recorded songs like “Heal the world”, “Man in the mirror”, “Earth song” and “Black or White” yet people still believe that he touched kids with no proof whatsoever. How could this be?

Well Gary Glitter recorded Papa-Oom-Mow-Mow, and you know about him!

Are autistics the next step in human evolution?

Possibly, if we could get over our social phobias enough to breed.

How many of the world’s problems could be resolved by everyone just getting together and punching Andy Dick?

Very few. But let’s do it anyway!

Why do I get homesick when I’m far away from my family for too long?

Because you are weak!

What can someone do with 60lbs of onions and 30lbs of winter squashes?

Drive away everyone they love.

If you could name the Seven Dwarfs, what would you name them?

Bolshy, Grubby, Gropey, Commie, Scabby, Bojack and Moe.

What’s the punishment for grave desecration (stealing skulls) under UK law?

You take someone’s skull, their relatives get to take yours.

Harsh, but fair.

Why doesn’t anyone on a TV Show or Movie say, “Goodbye” right before ending a phone call?

Screenwriters are all members of the Cult of Squiggy. They worship David Lander and will never write the word “goodbye” – only “hello”.

What’s the cheapest way to ship something from the USA to New Zealand?

Strap it to a sea-turtle and point it in the right direction.

What’s your theory about one of your past lives?

I was a highly spiritual Indian chief who served in the army of Alexander the Great in Egypt where I met Cleopatra and helped build the pyramids.

What’s Peter Pan syndrome like?

It’s alright, but all the sword fighting gets tedious after a while.

What’s the opposite of keeping your phone on silent?

Being Dom Jolly.

If You Could Rename American Football What Would You Call It?

Leathery-Paddington Carry-o-Ball.

What’s the best response to “Hi, how are you”?

Stare for a couple of seconds, then say “Dismissed!” while waving the speaker away with your hand.

How can one go about dating firefighters?

Take a core sample and count the rings.

Why can’t I find John Kasich’s height on the Internet?

He has spent a huge amount of time and money keeping this information secret because if anyone discovers his exact height his dark masters will summon him back to his home dimension.

What would an inconvenience store sell?

Empty Cheez Whiz cans relabeled as “Cheez Was”.

Why do a lot of older Indian women walk with that limp?

At the age of 40 they have to give up their calf muscles in a secret ritual. It’s known fact!

What’s the best way to avoid feminists?

Hide inside your house and never come out. It’s the best solution for everyone.

How do you like to be apologised to?

The petitioner should approach me in a humble manner, with eyes downcast. They should then lie face down on the floor with their arms outstretched and recite “Mea culpa! Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!” five times, while gently weeping.

I will then decide whether or not to forgive them, depending on how generous I’m feeling that day.

What creative way can you think of to stop an impending asteroid?

Hire all the world’s pyrotechnic companies to produce vast amounts of red smoke, to the point where the planet looks completely red from orbit. The asteroid will get confused, think it’s heading for Mars and head off to look for Earth elsewhere.

What incentives does a caterpillar have for invading eastern Asia?

All that rice. Caterpillars love rice.

You are paid $50 for every hour you can last in a small room with 3 angry screaming children. How long do you last for?

Am I allowed to kick or punch the children?


I’m out!

Is it possible for a dog to digest a celery stick?

Many years of research have proven that Dogs cannot digest celery. It sticks in their appendixes and eventually causes them to turn savage (cf. Cujo, King S. 1981)

If you had to pick one company logo to tattoo on your forehead, which would it be?

Mazda. Then I’d say “Indeed” a lot and tell everyone I’m the First Prime of Horus.

What is the most important thing to do on prom night?

Make sure to load hollow point rounds for maximum incapacitation.

Ex-Cultists of Reddit, when was the moment you realized you didn’t want to be a member anymore?

When they finally showed us what a shoggoth actually looks like. I was like “Nope!” and handed in my membership card right then!

Why can the positive sign can be written as -(-) but the negative sign can’t be written as (+)(+)?

Because (+)(+) looks like boobs and would distract mathematicians from their work.

How close are you to becoming a wizard?

I just need to eat one more broom.

If you’re the spouse of a crewmember on the USS Enterprise 1701-D, and you don’t do science work, what the hell do you do all day on a starship while your spouse is working?

Counselor Troi!

Is it true that breathing nighttime air will cause the lymph glands to fill with pus?

Nurse! He’s out of bed again!

Which is it, ketchup or catsup?

It’s tomato sauce you heathen!

What is your most disgusting poop story?

Once upon a time there was a poop who worked hard, saved his money and bought a beautiful house. But a real estate developer wanted to knock down the poop’s house and build a shopping mall. The poop refused to sell, but the developer bribed a Senator to seize the poop’s house under eminent domain laws. The poop tried to sue, but the real estate developer bribed the judge, and the poop ended up losing everything.

What dinosaur do you find the most attractive?

I looove the sexy neck of the brachiosaurus.

Why are restaurant chefs always so angry and aggressive?

Neural trichinosis from prolonged exposure to raw meat.

What’s the best way to get earwax out of your ear?

A properly trained earwig.

If u take the sun and place it 1 cm from ur cannabis plant leaves, and project a ice beam in between so that it would neutralise the heat from the sun. would ur cannabis grow super fast?

I am a qualified scientician and cannot honestly see any reason why not.

What is the history of Perth, Western Australia?

A British ship commanded by Captain Stirling and John Roe crashed into Rottnest Island in 1902. They built a raft out of quokkas and paddled their way to the mainland where they found the Swan river. They then got into a fight about the length of Roe’s “member” (he insisted it was 7 inches, hence his nickname “Septimus” whereas Stirling insisted it was 6.5 at best) and split up, with Stirling establishing Perth and Roe founding Freemantle.

Roe’s “special friend” Paddy Hannan discovered gold at Carousel in 1910 leading to the gold rush, during which Lang Hangcock built London Court and Barracks arch. C.Y.O’Connor built a pipeline to Kalgoorlie in the 1920s as tax dodge, but then committed suicide when he lost a bet with Lord Forrest over the annual Freemantle vs Perth quokka soccer derby.

The years 1930 to 1994 were stricken from the record, and as a result no one is really sure who’s to blame for Mirrabooka. Nothing must else happened since then except a train station was built at Thornlie, provoking much celebration.

What are some fun and illegal things to do as a teenager?

Teach people about Jury Nullification.

Apart from open windows and doors, how can spiders/insects get inside houses?

Various species of arachnids have been shown to be able to teleport short distances.

You are selected to be a curator of culture for a space ark bound for Alpha Centari. You have 2TB of data storage, what do you send?

I’d find a list of the 100 most critically acclaimed television shows in history, create a folder named for each of them, and fill every single one with the entire run of Lavern and Shirley.

Then set up a hidden folder named The Wire and fill it with Patrick Swayze’s The Renegades

Is Gerard Way actually scared of teenagers?

I would be. Have you seen teenagers?

You obtain the ability to mimic the voice of one person perfectly. How do you use your new power?

David Lander. I’d call him up at odd hours, claim to be Squiggy, and accuse him of stealing my identity.

What is the most pointless thing you’ve ever purchased?

A sphere.

What is typical pay for a member of the Canadian Reserved Armed Forces?

Five loonies a fortnight and all the maple syrup you can gargle.

What bands should tour together based on their name alone, and what is the tour called?

Ace of Base, Mates of State and Bonnie Raitt. The Ace State Base Raitt Mate Tour.

Is anything interesting happening in Britain at the moment?

A man has just thrown up on the pavement in Wardour Street, Soho, London. A small dog is licking it up.

What is the best way to cook meth?

With fava beans and a nice chianti.

What can Donald Trump’s hair be compared to?

A normal haircut. Poorly.

What makes sleeping pills work?

The drug companies keep thousands of children locked up and strapped to beds in special warehouses in third world countries and never allow them to sleep. Every ten minutes a loud, unexpected sound is played to keep them awake, and an automated scraping device collects the “sand” from the corners of their eyes. This sand is then processed and compressed into sleeping pills.

Can Norton Internet Security protect a computer on the deep web?

Norton Internet Security can’t even protect a computer on Animal Crossing.

How would you ruin the country if you ran it?

Quickly and irreversibly.

A time capsule is being made to be opened in 100 years. What would be your personal contribution to it?

A pair of safety scissors with a label attached reading “You will know what to do with these”.

Who terrorizes the terrorists?

The Coast Guard?

What’s the most outlandish Hollywood secret you’ve heard of?

Richard Gere once swallowed so much semen that they had to pump gerbils out of his rib cage!

What’s the weirdest thing you know about whales?

Whales are excellent at poker, but have trouble finding waterproof cards that are big enough for them to easily hold.

What is the most disgusting thing you’ve seen at a music festival?

This filthy moron climbed up on the stage and started screaming incomprehensibly at the crowd.

I think someone said his name was “Kid Rock”.

What is the song “Sugar we’re going down” about?

A sea captain who refuses to curse.

What do you not understand?

The point of fingers.

What would you choose between becoming the most powerful person in the country, or saving lives of all children in internet cafes worldwide right now?

Are you threatening children in internet cafes?

Men who put your hands down your pants, why do you do it?

You want we should put our hands down other men’s pants?

If guns could make any sound other than the sound they currently do when they fire, which sound would be the funniest?

Squiggy saying “Hello”

Does New Zealand exist?

Yes, but it’s full of damn, dirty hobbits.

What’s an item you’d find in a grey market?

Tax exempt whizz-fizz

Do you think there’s a correlation between Muslims in the media and the popularity of Peppa Pig?

Well I do now.

Any good website startup ideas?

Online ordered, drone delivered, instant buckets of shrimp.

What are some shitty things that Wal Mart does that the average person probably doesn’t know about?

Store Chinese soldiers in their basements.

How would you react if your girlfriend was a warlock?

Well I wouldn’t lend her any money for a start.

You happen upon an abandoned semi-truck on the side of the road. You investigate, finding that the truck is full of mannequins…. all with your face. What do you do?

Scream “Mama, put the coins on my eyes ’cause I sure don’t believe what I am seeing!”

Why men feel hot but women feel cold in the same office?

Because all men are spiritually affiliated with Satan, and psychospiritual feedback causes heat from the fires of hell to creep back along the connection, keeping us warm.

What would you do with a gallon of Xenomorph blood?


Why are hot dogs called hot dogs?

Because they’re made from black market dachshunds.

How would the world be if communists followed Groucho Marx instead of Karl Marx?

Duck soup for the proletariat.

I’m 18 years old. What the hell is ‘Beetlejuice’ that aged folk speak of?

It’s a star in the constellation Orion. If you say it three times Neil Degrasse Tyson comes out of your mirror and kills you with a billhook.

How many votes do conjoined twins get in Federal Elections?

None. The 17th amendment prevents “carnival freaks, convicted felons and members of the vile Free-Masons” from voting.

Questions from my Toilet Paper

1: What is the best way to identify a frog species?
Stop it at the border and demand its papers

2: Some frogs can change the colour of their skin, why would they do this?
To keep up with the latest fashions

3: What is the biggest threat to our frogs?
Frog eating aliens from Tau Capricorni

4: True of False? Frogs can leap higher than a house.
True, for a sufficiently small house and a sufficiently large frog.

TP, why you question me?
TP, why you question me?

More Information that You Strictly Require

What is the scariest fact you know?
Hiding inside your body, right at this very minute, is a spooky skeleton.

What do you think causes autism?
Underground mole men zapping pregnant women with beam-rays to bring about the downfall of the human race.

How old are you?
I am older than time itself.

If you could make a mass announcement to everyone in the world what would you say?
It ain’t no sin to take off your skin and dance around in your bones.

What’s the difference between turtles and tortoises?
Tortoises are on top, turtles are all the way down.

Who would be the best Batman and Robin?
Vincent Price and Peter Dinklage

What two types of people are there in the world?
Those with feet shaped like platypuses and those with feet shaped like cassette tapes.

Is there kitty autism?
Cats are already fascinated with shiny spinning objects, stare out windows for hours on end and have no concept of empathy. There’d be no way to tell the difference.

If you could make a modification to a bird or a reptile, what would it be?
I’d give crocodiles the ability to shoot laser beams from their eyes.

Why can’t they harness the power of government spying to create a public database of everyone’s relationship statuses?
You’re assuming they already haven’t.

If you were to name a baby, what would you name him/her?
Hiram Q. Chuzzlewitt. (The Q is for “Friendship”)

What derogatory term will humans be known as once we encounter an alien race?
Flesh chewing extinction monkeys

What are your thoughts on kangaroos?
Most of them are cool, but now and then you’ll find one who refuses to work and just hangs around the shops hassling people for cigarettes.

What should the amalgamation of South Perth and Victoria Park be called?
Winterfell. It’ll bring in tourists and the various varieties of bogans can be explained as “white walkers”.

What do you prefer, rap or screamo?

What would you name a hairless cat?
Hecubus, Destroyer of Worlds

Tell me the truth – are you a time traveler?
I’m currently traveling forwards in time at a rate of 60 seconds per minute. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Why do wearing contact lenses keep my eyes from watering while cutting an onion?
Why does the windshield stop bugs from hitting my face?

What’s the biggest animal you can actually see yourself winning a fight to the death with?
A small tapir

How do you feel about the USA’s ongoing refusal to adopt the metric system?
It makes watching Mythbusters really annoying.

You step into bus full of people, you have one sentence -only- you can yell loudly. What is it?

What would you do with a million dollars?
Buy you a monkey. (Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?)

You’re cursed by a genie and can only use a gif to communicate. What gif do you choose?

You’re suddenly a king of kings, a monarch of immeasurable power and wealth beyond imagination. How would you choose to clean your backside after you poop?
With the neck of a live goose.

Who is the single worst individual to have ever lived?
Og son of Tharg. 54,435 BC to 54,380 BC. May he rot forever in the belly of the cave lion that finally got him!

Why do my headphone cords get tangled up at night?
Traditionally the fair folk tangled up the manes and tails of horses. With so few horses around nowdays they’ve had to get creative.

In a world where Bees rule, and humans don’t exist and everything is the same, what do you think the Bees would name your favorite movie, or television show that currently exists?
Son, I’m just gonna tell you this one time. You wanna keep working here, stay off the drugs.

If you could name an atomic bomb, what would you call it?
El queso del Diablo.

What popular television show has the worst writing?
Cops. Dull repetitive dialogue, and the same scenes over and over again with different actors. “I’ve been in law enforcement for [number] years”, “We’ve been called out to a domestic in [neighbourhood]”, “Sir! Step away from the vehicle!”. You’d probably get a better show if you went out and filmed actual cops at work.

What effects do video games have on young children?
They keep them quiet for a few hours

Today everything in the world is the opposite of what it normally is – what are you dreading most?
Well usually I wake up in the morning alive. Waking up dead would kind of suck.

As you raise your glass to salute, what is your best toast?
“To strong women, handsome girls and vengeance against goats!”

Has there ever actually been a pepper-pot polar bear train?
Belgium had a salt-cellar badger boat in the 1500’s, if that helps?

You have 10 minutes until your apartment is attacked. What is your plan to survive?
Paint myself green and stand in a corner. With luck they’ll mistake me for a house plant.

How do you pronounce “meme” and “gif”?
To rhyme with “doge”

What’s the best way to jiggle your ass?
Butt comes in, butt goes out
That’s what jiggling’s all about

Why the mushroom man do only the visit on night?
Mushroom man visit on nights see only. Why do?

What do you collect?

Is the moon really just the back of the sun?
Yes. And the stars are the holes that the rain falls through.

Where do babies come from?
DNA from all Cousins is collected and put into the House’s Genetic Loom. When the decision is made to create a new Cousin, permission is sought from the High Council and, if granted, the Loom is activated and a new individual is created.

Why are “common utilities” like electricity, water, phone, and internet not provided by the government via taxes?
Because that’s Communism boy!

If there were extra days in a week, what would they be called?
Dogeday Secundus

What are the small white stickers with random numbers I occasionally find on the inside of my clothing?
You have been contacted. Save all of the stickers and wait for further instructions.

What song do you think provides a great analogy for what the Earth will be like in the future?
FADADES – Le Jugement Dernie. Stupid, confusing and full of strange screeching noises.

How many horses died or were harmed in the making of Braveheart?
Hundreds. Every time Mel Gibson stood next to one the crew couldn’t tell the difference between him and its backside, so he demanded it be taken away and shot.

You’re stuck in a maximum security prison with a Spoon, a rabbit and some caltrops. How do you escape?
I have a spoon, a rabbit and caltrops? Why would I ever want to leave!

How old is Jake Roper from Vsauce3?
As old as time itself.

What crime-fighting superhero character can you come up with?
The Black Dog. A clinically depressed crime fighter who can project his deep sense of existential despair into the minds of criminals causing them to collapse on the ground in a sobbing heap. Dresses all in black with a balaclava, a trenchcoat and a spiked dog collar around his neck. His weakness is criminals who are already depressed (because they’re used to dealing with depression and can keep on functioning despite it) and getting out of bed each morning.

How do Mormons teleport?
They put their left foot in, their left foot out, their left foot in and they shake it all about.

What’s your deep, dark secrets, fantasies, guilty pleasures, fetishes, thoughts, ideas, or desires?
My deep, dark secrets, fantasies, guilty pleasures, fetishes, thoughts, ideas, and/or desires, these desires, ideas, thoughts, fetishes, guilty pleasures, fantasies and deep dark secrets that I have, that is to say these deep, dark secrets, fantasies, guilty pleasures, fetishes, thoughts, ideas, and desires which belong to me – ahem – these desires, ideas, thoughts, fetishes, guilty pleasures, fantasies and deep dark secrets of mine, that I have, are – Ahem – that is to say, are mine.

If you had ten million US dollars, what would you do?
Buy you ten monkeys. (Haven’t you always wanted ten monkeys?)

What are your top 3 favorite songs to make out to?

What was the thing that sliced bread took over from as the new best thing?
Curing syphilis with malaria.

Why is there no He-Man Movie?
Vladimir Putin has – sadly – refused all offers to take on the title role.

What is the worst name for a pirate ship that you can think of?
The Jolly Anus

If you could go back in time and kill anyone, who would you kill?
It has been well established that going back in time and killing Hitler only makes the present worse. Thus, logically, the only way to make a better present for us all is to go back and kill Mr Rogers.

What fetishes do you think old, famed, presidents, artists, generals etc. had?
Abraham Lincoln had an unhealthy interest in river boats. You know what I mean.

What if you cut off your own leg and discovered that you are a robot?
It would be great! I’d discover what my powers were, and then decide whether to use them for good, or awesome!

When did bowing ones head during prayer become a thing?
8:32am, June 24th 406 BC. It was a Tuesday.

What song makes you feel sexy?
Goodbye Horses

If you could re-imagine a TV show, which one would you choose?
Care Bears, but the bears are a hard bitten insurgent group riven by internal rivalries and hatreds, and the entire resistance is on the edge of collapse after years of occupation. Will they struggle on? Will they go out in a blaze of glory, firing their AK-47s to the last bullet? Or will they fall prey to the traitor in their midst?

What do people not say anymore because of the passage of time?
Gehyyrst thuu, saelida, hwaet this folc segeth?

Who is currently the most important person in the world?
Roger Albert Fische of King Edward Street, Brighton, UK. He is the most important person on Earth, but will never realise it.

What is the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you can make up right now?
Game of Thrones is funded by the 4H Club to favourably influence the American public’s opinion of monarchy and feudalism so as to increase the likelihood of right wing governments coming into power across the USA who will direct funding away from schools that teach evolution thus hindering the ability of rural students to learn about animal husbandry in class and sending them to the 4H Club to make up the gap.

What’s more metal than a Tibetan Sky Burial?
A Tibetan Sky Burial with pterodactyls.

If you could add another amendment to the US Constitution, what would it be?
The 28th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America: We the people solemnly declare that Magellan is cooler than Justin Beibler.

What’s the most stupid or useless thought you have that’s not worth sharing?
You could probably reinterpret Jingle Bells as a story of 19th century date rape.

How fat my Mama be?
Yo mamma so fat she need to discuss a treatment plan with her primary health care provider to improve her quality of life.

What is the one thing about yourself you don’t want anyone to know?
People think I’m a fully grown adult, but I’m actually three kids under a long coat.

What are you thinking about right now, this very second?
The lead singer of Sparklehorse, kneeling unconscious on a bed with his legs slowly dying beneath him from lack of blood flow.

If you were elected president of USA, what’s the first thing you would change?
My underwear, which would have been ruined the moment someone told me “You’ve been elected President of the USA!”

How would you react if you found out your whole life was like the Truman show?
Demand better writers

It’s 2 A.M. What are you doing?
It’s 11:30 in the morning you heretic!

What movie needs a sequel?
We desperately need them to produce Leonard Part 7 before Bill Cosby is to old to take the lead role.

Could Superman survive at the bottom of the ocean?
He would be able to survive just fine for a while, but would eventually run out of stored solar energy. At that point he’d just get Aquaman to send some sea anemones to save him.

What is the best thing to say to a stranger and then just walk away?
“Good morrow sir! Do not have a cow, but can you inform me of directions towards the nearest scriptorium, library, video cassette hire facility or neuro-zap download station? And, although it may seem greely or as some kind of joke or prank, can you confirm for me that this is the year Anno Domini two-zero-one-four?”

Have you ever made a porn?
Made some for dinner the other night with garlic and parsley, everyone thought they were… oh. I thought you said prawn.

How do you kill a robot?
Why would you want to kill a robot? They protect us from the terrible secret of space!

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word “internet”?
A cat on a turntable going round and round forever.

Why we don’t have to remember to breathe?
Because evolution dealt pretty harshly with all the people who did have to remember.

Who was the last great leader of your country and why?
Harold Holt – He laid down his life to save us from the ocean!

What movie best depicts rural life in the 1950s?
The Holy Mountain (Rural life in the 50’s was a lot stranger than people think…)

What would happen if alcohol was made illegal tomorrow?
Al Capone would rise from the grave and dance the Charleston on top of a flagpole.

If All TV Shows had to use the same song in their opener, what would be the best one?
The ALF Theme. Remember ALF? He’s back! In theme form!

Which fast food chain is the worst and why?
Colonel Backwash’s. Crappy chicken marketed to inbred hillbillies. The only barely edible thing are the lung puppies and half the time they’ve run out of them.

If you were a professional fighter / wrestler, what song or music would be your entrance theme?
Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson – the Polka version !

Do rats have the ability to be proud?
Yes, but they also suffer from crippling existential self doubt, so they only very rarely feel it.

What’s should I name my Bar?
The Scabies Hole. It’d go out of business in no time, but you’d still go down in history as the only guy to ever run a bar named The Scabies Hole.

If Obama went rogue, how much damage would he be able to do?
Not much. The Secret Service carry tranquiliser darts for just such an eventuality. They were last used in July 1976 when Gerald Ford attempted to maul a toddler.

Is Nik Kershaw the best European musician?
It’s a riddle, that’s for sure.

Is BMW right for me?
The real question is, are you right for BMW?

What is the allure of tapas?
You can reuse them so much more easily than CDs. Oh, sorry, I thought you asked about tapes.

What’s the worst thing you would do if it meant your country won the world cup as a result?
Glare harshly, and I mean HARSHLY, at a cute little puppy.

What is the best thing about being your gender?
Being able to sing the deep bit in the Far Away song.
(I’m lying, I can’t actually sing that bit)

What are the best Swords and Sandals Movies?
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Why isn’t there a children’s hospital with a Scooby Doo ICU?
They tried, but Shaggy got into the drugs locker and it didn’t end very well.

What is the name of the Muslim priest who performs weddings?
Father Barry Mushasha

How do I become president of the United States?
The traditional method is to break into the White House, defeat the current President in a duel then drink his blood vampire style to steal his Executive Power (John Tyler doing this a little too enthusiastically is the reason William Henry Harrison died in office).

If I build a spacecraft and fly to Mars, would I be able to claim it as my own planet?
You’d have to defeat Rumbleroar in a Wizard Duel first. RUMBLEROAR!!

What are those thousands of brand new buses stored in the desert East of Barstow Ca. for?
They’re transports reserved for when Obama orders FEMA to put everyone into internment camps. The seats have been specially modified so they can be pulled out and the buses used for corpse transport once everyone has been locked up. IT’S IN REVELATIONS PEOPLE!!

What celebrity has sold his/her soul to the devil?
Mathew Perry. That’s why you never see him in anything any more, he retired from acting with everything he needs courtesy of Satan.

What’s the best seasoning to put on some popcorn?
Salt. Plain, ordinary sodium chloride. Anyone who puts anything else on popcorn is a heathen who will be cast into the outer darkness where there will be a wailing, a gnashing of teeth and nothing to snack on except expired dry ramen (those without teeth will have to craft them themselves out of stale noodles).

What’s going on your tombstone?
Probably a variety of birds and the occasional drunken vagrant.

Do you are you can be in a few months and I can?
Can I and months few a in be, can you are you do?

In 15 minutes, Glenn Greenwald is releasing the biggest NSA story as a finale – predictions on what it’s going to be?
Obama is a reptilian Muslim grown in a test tube in area 51 with communist DNA collected from the Nazi flying saucer that crashed at Roswell. IT’S IN REVELATIONS PEOPLE!!

Doesn’t that mean he is a valid candidate for the Presidency?
No! The Constitution says ‘Natural Born Citizen’, not ‘Blasphemously slithered out of an incubation chamber onto a bed of bovine collagen substrate Citizen’. Unnatural Meddling! Evil! Sorcery! Popery! Free Silver! Etc!

What is the upcoming Star Wars movie going to be about?
The re-established Republic will be threatened by the rise of a new Dark Lord of the Sith who will use massively powerful computers to sabotage the Imperial Archives and rewrite history. A plucky band of heroes will band together to defeat Darth Luu Kass and restore the historical record.

How will World War III start?
The will CIA hack Ayman Mohammed Rabie al-Zawahiri’s computer and replace the operating system with a picture of a naked Barack Obama repeating the phrase “Hello. There. You’re. Quite Good. At. Turning Me On.” This unfortunately interacts with a virus placed on the same machine by Mossad, and the resulting super-virus infects half of all the computers on Earth including that of Kim Il Sung.

Kim’s computer then sends an infected email to his good buddy Dennis Rodman. Rodman freaks out over what he suspects Kim is trying to tell him, and sends back a fork bomb zip file. Kim’s sub-par tech support open this and the resulting crash cascades throughout North Korea’s entire computer network (all five PCs!). One of these happens to be in the middle of a Skype session with Ali Hosseini Khamenei, who takes the resulting nasty farting sound and blank screen as a personal insult, and orders a nuclear strike against Israel (this being his solution for everything).

The Israeli defence network is struggling with the Super Sexy Obama Virus and can’t intercept the missile in time to destroy it. Instead they are able to alter its flight course and it lands off the Italian Island of Stromboli. This triggers a volcanic eruption and the resulting explosion sends a tsunami smashing into Italy and up the Tiber into Rome. In the Vactican, Pope Francis is just finishing the morning mass when the wave hits, and he is fataly impaled on a rather nice piece of sculpture washed out from the Vactican museum.

The world’s Catholics declare war on Israel, who have already declared war on Iran, who have in the meantime declared war on North Korea, who are doing their best (through major computer problems) to declare war on the Treacherous Imperialist Dennis Rodman. President Obama – already in a bad mood due to a toothache and the whole Super Sexy Virus thing – calls an emergency press conference at which he announces “Fuck You All!” and launches the entire US nuclear arsenal in random directions.

The world is engulfed in flame, and the only survivor is a simple minded Janitor named Milo, who spends the next 34 years buffing the floors at Mount Weather before slipping and breaking his skull on a drum of military grade Tang powder.

If you had 300 dollars what would you spend it on?
I’d buy you 0.0003 of a monkey. (Haven’t you always wanted 0.003 of a monkey?).

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