Emulating the Ocean Sound

The following bit of sub-par Giant Days fanfiction has been wedged in my brain for several years. I have had vague plans of drawing it, but I suspect it’s not really worth the effort, so I will instead present it here as a script (along with copious apologies to John Allison).

SCENE: Daisy’s room, Catterick Hall, first year. Daisy is studying while music plays from a portable CD player.

Enter Esther and Susan through door (dramatically of course)

Susan: Daisy Wooton, what is this noise?

Esther: Did Enya find a mellotron?

Daisy (picking up and displaying The Mollusk CD case): It’s not Enya, it’s Ween. Ed Gemmel lent it to me.

Esther (while Susan takes and examines CD case): You shouldn’t listen to people weeing Daisy, it’s not healthy for developing young minds!

Susan (looking through CD insert): It appears to concern a grown man talking to a young boy about his ‘mollusc’…

Esther (grabbing CD insert): Is that LEGAL?

Daisy: It’s marine biology! It’s perfectly respectable!

Susan (with barely suppressed glee): It occurs to me that a winkle is a type of mollusc…

Daisy (in horror): Is… Is Ed Gemmel an oceanography pervert!?

Esther (reading CD insert): I’d be concerned if someone’s ‘winkle’ “emulated the ocean sound”. It doesn’t sound biologically plausible.

Susan (finger on chin, in thought): Maybe if they were waiting in an extremely long bathroom queue…

FINIS

Is this even legal?!

Start the Year Right!

Who’s the best Leon of all time?
Leon from the movie Lindsey and Leon go to a Roller Disco

What would kill a Victorian child nowadays?
Victorian children drank mercury for breakfast, ate coal dust for lunch and swallowed cholera for dinner. We wouldn’t be able to kill them with napalm.

What do you think is really the problem with people?
There’s only so much intelligence available and the more people there are the less each person gets.

What are some situations where people deserve to lose their bank accounts, homes, and jobs?
Putting bandanas on their dogs!

What is the life of a sane person like?
How the hell would I know?

What do you think of people that have pet rats and they kiss them?
Worse things happen at sea!

You are tasked with reordering the alphabet, what does it look like now?
A Á À Ä E É È Ë I Í Ì Ï O Ó Ò Ö U Ú Ù Ü Ø Ǿ Æ Ǽ P B F V T D S Z K G Þ Ð C J Š Ž H L M N R W Y
Dél wiþ it!

How do you get out of a conversation?
“I have to go now. My planet needs me.” walk away

What does ghana think about MINUSMA? Does Ghana think MINUSMA should contiune or change? What does Ghana think about cooperation between MINUSMA and the Mali Goverment?
Do I look like a West African Nation?

If you know death is just 5 minutes away, what are you eating?
Something really weird to give the Medical Examiner a surprise!

What is some random advice for today?
Don’t take any wooden bitcoins on the digital super highway

Where do we come from?
We evolved from octopuses and are on a gradual journey back to the sea!

What does every man need in his life?
A genuine bona-fide electrified six-car monorail!

What advice to give an introvert when going to bootcamp for the first time?
Make your will

What kind of physical touch best says “I love you” to you?
Not touching me without explicit permission.

If you were held at gun point and told that if you didn’t impress them with your dance moves you would be killed, what dance moves would you bust out?
I’d sit down on the floor and say “Let’s just get this over with”

What colour is a mirror?
How high is the sky?

What movie completely changes its plot when you change one letter in its title? What’s the new movie about?
Star Wars Episode 9: The Rise of Skywalken
The plot. Doesn’t really. Change. But it kind of. Starts and. Stops. A lot.

What’s the closest thing to being dead without being dead?
Spending time in Hoboken New Jersey

How would you explain being high to someone who’s never been high?
An unpleasant experience where your muscular control over your body is impaired and your thought processes are unreliable. Not recommended.

What are some biological flaws within the human body?
Running air and fuel through the same port.

What is the most 90’s thing you can think of?
That annoying cartoon character with the pointy chin and wavy hair

Fido Dido?
That’s the fellow!

if you woke up in a basement looking area with nothing but a dog, what would you do?
Pat the dog

What’s your position on chiropractors?
At best they’re the equivalent of a massage therapist. At worst they’ll inflict permanent spinal damage on you while telling you they’re curing your cancer.

Really?
The inventor of chiropractic claimed he was told about it by a ghost, and that every disease from the common cold to schizophrenia was caused by a misaligned spine. It’s utter crap.

What if you could ask the universe a question about anything knowing you’d have your answer, what would you ask?
How you doing’?

What makes a kick in the nuts funny?
The fact that it’s not you

What subjects should schools start teaching the children?
Healing, curses, hexes, vexes and other excesses

If you could only play one bord game in your life from this point on what would you chose?
A straight road or passageway driven at right angles to the main cleavage of the coal in a coal mine? Doesn’t sound very entertaining to me…

What if one day God descended from the heavens, said – “These people whom you worship as gods in your specific religions is just me in my different forms” and went away without any more explanations?
Good luck convincing people it was actually God and not just a particularly obtuse Pepsi commercial.

What’s something that took you way too long to figure out?
That organised labour was not heavily involved in the Northern Ireland conflict.

Your nationality gives you game-like stats. What would your nationality buffs and debuffs be?
Australia:
+5 Animal Handling
+5 Carousing
+5 Casual Racism

What is y’all predictions for 2023?
Things will get worse.

How often have you had the desire to just go up to Donald Trump and vigorously rub your hand on his head just to see if his hair was real and not a toupee?
Never! I don’t want to catch anything!

What instantly comes to mind when you hear “Money”?
Get away!

If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would purchase?
Depends how much I won. No point going yacht shopping if my payout is $2.50

How do you make someone feel better after you told them they look average?
Remind them that that means they look better than or equal to half the population

What’s a good reason to punch a kid in the face?
Fun!

If you could meet any Greek god or titan and ask them 1 question, which god/titan would you pick and what question would you ask them?
I’d ask Cronus “So how’s that whole eating your children thing working out for you?”

If you could do anything you wanted, without the complications stopping you, what would you do?
Drape myself entirely in velvet

Why’s everyone looking for someone to hate?
Freddy Mercury isn’t!

Why is there no Mark IX armour?
Cawl works exclusively in binary and sometimes screws up his translations to decimal

If Earth was in a binary system with another life-hosting planet?
Mondas intensifies!

What are some fun activities that can be done in Prague during Christmas other than looking at nice architectures?
Golem hunting!

What would be the historic changes that would arise if the Space Shuttle Challenger worked?
It did work – perfectly – for nine missions.

What motivates you to keep going?
Spite. I refuse to let the universe win!

How big is Santa’s penis?
He’s a crime fighting genius and he always has hot young chicks on his boat. Santa’s cock is a foot long!

No, wait, I’m thinking about Quincy…

What made you not want to have kids?
I’ve never wanted to have kids. I remain puzzled by what makes other people so keen to have them.

What questions should we NOT ask on a date?
Have you no sense of decency, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?

What weird thing would you make socially acceptable if possible?
Draping oneself entirely in velvet

What is your astrological sign?
Lobo, the wolf!

Those who don’t wash your hair ‘traditionally’ (with shampoo), what do you do use if anything at all?
Tangerines

What’s your country’s Ohio?
Heard Island. It’s round at each end and high in the middle.

What foreign laws were you unaware of, when traveling to that country, that landed you in that country’s jail/prison?
You gotta be really careful hailing a taxi in Germany…

Who is the best fictional Father or Father figure?
Gomez Addams

What is a good way to start a conversation with a complete stranger?
“I am Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer! Are you the Gatekeeper?”

What is the meaning of life?
A somewhat disappointing Monty Python movie released in 1983. The accompanying The Crimson Permanent Assurance short however is actually rather good.

What events justifies Lionel Messi as the real GOAT?
His deep hatred of trolls and diet of old tin cans

Why would one be a flat-earther?
Religion. Scratch a hardcore flat-earther and you’ll find a religious fundamentalist of some kind.

How would you prove existence or nonexistence of God?
There’s no scientific way to prove or disprove the existence of something that exists outside-of/above nature.

If you were a Villain, What would your evil lair look like?
A 2 kilometer tall pillar of polished black basalt rising from the icy, storm-wracked waters of the Southern Ocean.

What are some everyday items with hidden features we don’t know about?
Wolverines have a button on the back of their necks that switches them between French and English mode.

What would happen if Kanye West managed to become president one day?
The living would envy the dead

What supplement/vitamin/health food do you swear by?
Bug powder dust and Mugwump jism.

What was the robot and guy that taught us things at school?
Uncle Fingers and Dickbot 3000?

You are a Hollywood executive devoid of any creativity, what children’s toy will you turn into the next billion dollar action-movie franchise?
Fidget spinners were HUGE but no one made a movie!? Get Michael Bay on the line NOW!!

How often do you brush your dogs teeth?
A question my spam folder asks me every day!

What is the best sour patch kids flavor?
Chicken

What do you think is missing from the pages of our history that was never taught to us neither had been recorded properly as per public view but in reality has a world changing truth never brought out to the public?
They don’t want you to know that Thomas Jefferson was advised on the writing of the Declaration of Independence by a duck!

If you had unlimited money, what’s one thing you still wouldn’t buy?
Shitty cartoons of monkeys

Did you hook up with your bully? If so, how’d it go?
I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question

What is a sports commentator?
The term ‘sports commentator’ is used to refer to a member of many species of even-toed ruminant that are indigenous to various regions in Africa and Eurasia.

Oh, sorry, that’s ‘antelope’. Disregard!

Why were we born humans and not Na’vi from Avatar?
I’m gonna have to start by explaining the difference between reality and fiction.

How did you end up in your career today?
The government locked me in a room with a landline and phone book and wouldn’t let me out until I had a job interview.

You’ve just come across the TARDIS unlocked with the Doctor nowhere in sight. The door is open, the controls are surprisingly easy to understand, and you have the entirety of human history available to you. Where do you go, and what do you do when you get there?
Even assuming the TARDIS will go where I tell it to (which is a big if!) I’m not gonna risk messing with history, I’ll just ferret around until I find the Time-Space Visualiser and watch history instead.

People who visited the Mystery Flesh Pit before the incident, what was the scariest thing you saw?
The scariest thing was how flimsy all the bracing looked. They kept telling us it was perfectly safe but I was terrified that it would all collapse at any second 🙁

What is your opinion about the Illuminati?
A useful distraction from the politicians, corporations and rich bastards who actually run the world.

Using the name of a TV series or movie, how would you describe your love life?
Alone in the Dark

How do you react if a guy uses the urinal that is right next to you?
Name his penis!

What is the best way to combat angry neighbors?
Bury plutonium in their lawn

How do we know we all see the same colors?
We don’t. Welcome to reality kid!

What do you wear on a first date?
My robe and wizard hat

What are some really weird noises you make when you’re completely alone at home?
Every now and then I’ll chant “wub wub wub wub wub wub” for no reason at all.

How do you say UNO; ‘oo-no’ or ‘you-no’?
It’s pronounced ‘doge’

What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever experienced in college?
A guy trying to pick me up because the place I decided to eat my lunch at turned out to be the campus gay beat.

What would you do if you woke up dead?
Take off my skin and dance around in my bones.

What’s some good advice for High Schoolers visiting New York for the first time?
The sewers are much safer these days as most of the alligators have been eaten by the CHUDs.

People who can’t be in a relationship. Why and what’s your story?
Avoidant Personality Disorder! It’s a riot!

What do you think about zodiac partnership compatibility?
People who believe in something as ludicrous as astrology deserve each other

If you could remove one color in the whole world, what would it be and why?
I did it last week. Go see if you can find anything coloured ikrall!

Sea level is slowly rising above EVERY continent at unpredictable speeds, what’s your next move?
Try really hard to evolve gills

What is your favorite state?
Unconsciousness

Which song has the lyrics easiest to get wrong?
Anything performed by James Reyne

How do deaf people hear voices in dreams?
If they do then it’s probably the same way in your dreams that your hand is your hand but it’s also a crocodile that belongs to your neighbour and you have to look after it even though you don’t want to and it’s a yacht.

The world is collapsing. You can bring just one person with you to another planet. Who do you choose?
No way I could pick someone. I’d just let someone else take two people.

What is a stranger you meet at the pub red flag?
Offering you tourist-class tickets to the Interzone.

How would you react to NASA announcing the existence of a city sized spider with webbing across the whole asteroid belt?
I’d be very glad that it was about 500 million kilometers away.

What songs are romantic?
Berserker by Cousin Olaf

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done to try impress a crush?
In high school I did the rap from the KLF’s Justified and Ancient at three times normal speed to impress a girl.

Somehow she was not impressed.

What’s the scariest part about life?
That any sufficiently motivated dickhead can instantly take it away from you.

Completely straight men and women, how confident are you, if big money was on the line, of your ability to please someone of the same gender as you?
I’m not even confident of pleasing the opposite gender.

What is being an adult like?
Like being a kid but with more problems, more responsibility and less people to help you out.

In your opinion who has the most epic/badass one man army story throughout history?
I’m not sure if it technically counts as badass but in 1944 Finnish soldier Aimo Koivunen took his entire unit’s supply of speed in one hit and skied 400km, living on nothing but pine needles and a bird he slapped straight out of the air.

What do you hate about cats?
Their Fel D 1 Secretoglobin protein complex.

Which is the most hated western European country and why?
Neutral Moresnet. Zinc hoarding bastards!

You wake up in an alien ship with a probe half way up your doopa – what’s your next move?
Turn to the nearest alien and say “Gary, we talked about this!”

Non-Americans, what is your opinion of American football?
All that padding! Hilarious!

A “loose unit”. What does it mean when describing a person?
It means that – for better or worse – they are an unpredictable, freewheeling agent of chaos.

What will we soon be in the golden age of?
Resource wars!

What is something the majority of people like to do, but you hate?
Getting high/drunk. Every recreational drug I’ve tried makes me feel weird, uncomfortable and shitty.

Why do you want to keep living?
Because I haven’t learnt everything yet!

What is the best movie ever?
Lindsey and Leon go to the Roller Disco

Why why why why why?
Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

People who have been in awkward situations, what’s the secret to getting out of it?
Shout “This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!” and hurl yourself through the nearest window.

What’s something normal in Brazil and not in other countries?
Using a cardboard disc to indicate whether you wish to be continually stuffed with meat.

How many languages can you speak and what are they?
I can speak English, manage a few words and phrases in Spanish, French, Italian and German, and yell a few words in Japanese and Finnish. So – in conclusion – one.

English speakers, is it kitty corner or catty corner and why/where are you from?
It’s “diagonal”.

What’s the worst threat to Society?
Dolphins developing opposable thumbs.

What’s your favourite Pokemon and why?
I luuuurve the sexy slither of a mudkip

If the events of Harry Potter happened in real life, which side would you be on? Voldemort’s or Harry’s?
Can’t I be on both? Like the late Earl Warren?

If you were allowed to nuke a country, knowing your attack won’t be condemned and your target can’t retaliate, would you do it, and if yes, what country would you nuke?
How to say “I’m a sociopath” without saying “I’m a sociopath”

Who’s the best Spongebob character?
Nosferatu!!

If you didn’t have to work, how would you spend your days?
I don’t know, but I’d like the opportunity to find out.

What would you choose a stray cat or a breed cat like Persian or British, and why?
I’d choose a dog because I’m deadly allergic to cats.

How do you feel about people who hate music?
I suspect they are some kind of alien in a skin suit.

if you had a $3000 Louis Vuitton work bag would you take it with you when you leave the office without cameras on your two 15 minute breaks and your one 30 minute break? Why, why not?
If I had a $3000 Louis Vuitton work bag I’d sell it, buy a $50 work bag and enjoy having an extra $2950

What do people mean when they say they are too tired after work for fun?
How to say “I’m an extrovert” without saying “I’m an extrovert”

What’s the nearest thing you can grab onto if gravity were to suddenly flip?
Grabbing onto something would be a minor concern as the entire universe blows itself to pieces.

Can men get pregnant? If so, how and how do they give birth?
How is babby formed? How man get pragnent?

Straight people, would you date someone who is non-binary?
If I found them attractive, sure.

What is a sigma male?
A person who thinks an embarrassingly inaccurate model of wolf social dynamics somehow applies to human beings.

If Sony decided to use a different name for PlayStation 6, what would it be?
Crash Bandicoot’s Glory Box

It’s 30 days into the apocalypse where are you and what are you doing for supplies?
Oh please! I was killed by a biker gang on day 8!

What would you do if the world disappeared?
Die?

What topics are absolutely inappropriate on a first date?
The Treaty of Westphalia. That’s just asking for trouble!

You can choose your last dinner. What is it?
I did choose my last dinner. I had Chinese. I’m now considering what to have for dinner tonight.

How would you react if you found out that your kids have been secretly using your credit cards to buy stuff, but instead of video games they spent it on Bored Apes NFTs?
I’d take them out back and shoot them.

You can ask one question to Putin. What do you ask?
Do you ever think about Stalin lying on his bedroom floor, wracked with pain, his consciousness slowly fading away as he listens to his underlings bicker about how they’re going to divide his power amongst themselves and laugh about not calling a doctor?

What are your thoughts on multiple genders these days?
Western society is finally have to face up to the fact that nature doesn’t fit into neat little boxes.

What do you think about kpop ?
Not my thing, but if someone enjoys it then who am I to argue with them?

Why don’t we just give Taiwan to China?
We can give them your house too!

You get one superpower, but the catch is that nobody can have ever thought of it before. What’s your superpower?
I can shoot objects into orbit by pointing at them John Travolta disco style.

What is the worst dog breed and why?
The Dandie Dinmont Terrier. It looks like it was bred to go down holes after sewage.

What medicines do you take, and why?
Antihistamines to stop my immune system from mugging me, antidepressants to stop my brain from mugging me, lactase to stop my guts from freaking out at the sight of cheese, anti-inflammatories to stop my jaw locking up and amphetamines to keep me awake.

If Ukraine joins NATO, what city in the world will Russia Nuke first?
Saint Petersburg (they’d be aiming for Helsinki, but, y’know, Russians)

Le penis is chewy, and it tastes like steak, they also sell it now in restaurants and it costs $0.99 for starters, what do you think about it?
I think that’s one hell of a fetish you’re dealing with there.

Which villain is more iconic, Dr. Doofenshmirtz or Robbie Rotten?
Robbie Rotten almost mowed down a friend of mine with his bike once, so I’ll go with him.

What is one thing in your home that’s broken that you never seem to get around to fixing?
Me!

What are good things to do, to increase a valuation on a house?
Bury a statue of St Joseph upside down in the yard.

Why do you feel like an anomaly?
Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you feel like an anomaly.

You have been granted the power to give everyone in the world one object. What is that object?
A MYSTERIOUS CUBE!

You’re suddenly the president of your country, you have one week to fuck your whole country up. What do you do?
Declare war on China

Who is the most prolific killer ever, in your opinion?
Thomas Midgley Jr.

How often do you go in the woods to roast chestnuts?
All the time! (if by ‘roast’ you mean ‘brutally murder’ and by ‘chestnuts’ you mean ‘vagrants’…)

What’s the best way to lose weight?
A spell in a Russian prison.

What’s more attractive for girls, a guy walking around eating an apple or smoking a cigarette?
I would imagine it depends on the personal taste of the individual girl in question.

What are some things that pregnant women should avoid that not everyone knows about?
False vacuum decay

What might be the reason that someone checked in a hotel room at 9, then kept moving, throwing heavy things around/open and close closets drawers until 12, and then walked across the room back and forth from 1 to 3 am?
Sir, we haven’t rented that room out in years. Not since ‘The Incident’…

How would you spend your holidays if you had to spend them alone?
I do spend my holidays alone. It’s pretty sweet.

What is the plot of your favorite book or movie explained as horribly as possible?
A group of academics start a small business but are hampered by interference from the EPA.

Who is the Greatest Musician/Band of all time?
Shooby Taylor, the human horn!

If you can bluntly tell people how you want to be treated, how would you describe it?
You should all grovel before me like DOGS!!

What is placed in the Vatican’s vault?
The was nothing in the Vactican vault, But it wasn’t Pope Benedicts’s fault!

What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Does crocodile stir-fry count as weird?

What is the ONLY original Rule 34 website?
zombo.com!

What would happen if adults were the only authorized users on social media?
The spelling would improve slightly.

What is a woman?
A rag, a bone and a hank of hair

What ridiculous and untrue, yet plausible, explanation can you come up with for the cause of a headache?
Inside you there are two wolves. One of them has their teeth in your medulla oblongata.

Going downtown to ask folks questions live; what questions should be asked?
“Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist party?”

What would happen if we threw a nuclear bomb into the middle of an active volcanic crater?
The bomb would melt and the lava would become slightly more radioactive.

You have an hour to create a new movie idea, explain your idea?
An Englishman is stopped in a dark country lane by a giant, glowing goat who tells him to go to the top of the highest mountain in Spain on midsummer’s day for his ‘reward’. Comic hi-jinks ensue as he tries to convince his wife, his friends, his bank manager and the Spanish immigration services that he’s not insane.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Betty White

How do you have sex with glasses?
Use lots of lube

You now have one extra room in your house, what you do with it?
Decorate it to look like the Back Rooms.

When did we as a society decide money matters more then love?
If by “money” you mean “resources” then as soon as humans existed. You can’t eat love!

What is Rick and Morty?
An Australian cartoon about a violent lunatic looking for a green cube.

What’s the affect of left handed kid being forced to become right handed?
The worst handwriting you’ve ever seen.

What’s the most ruthless and efficient way to become mayor of a small town?
Contaminate all the local salad bars with e. coli so everyone is too sick to vote except for your followers.

What is a tomato?
A wolf peach!

People who knows about mewing, how to keep your tongue up all the time and is it bad if tip of the tongue is pushing the front teeth?
Mewing doesn’t do anything except prove your gullibility to dumbass internet fads.

How come we are taught advanced math in school if most of us aren’t going to use it?
Because learning difficult shit is good for your brain.

Who is “the hero we need right now”?
Vermin Supreme!

What do you consider as the definition of “art”?
Anything that is put on display is art. Whether it’s good art is another issue entirely.

What would you do if Dream died?
He did, but as one of the Endless he was instantly replaced by a new incarnation.

if you were god and there is nothing except you, what’s the first thing you’d do?
Dance!

What do you think of Zendaya?
I have no objection to Zendaya.

What is the best and most hilarious opening line if you want to make the other person laugh?
“Hi, I’m a pedigree racehourse. MOOOOOOOOOO!”

What would you like to be written on your grave?
Death is but a Door
Time is but a Window
I will return

People who don’t live in the US, are you happy where you live?
Hell yeah! Socialised healthcare and a minuscule chance of getting shot – what’s not to love?

What would you name your yacht if you had one?
“Perfectly Normal Boat”

What’s the best answer to “Where do you see yourself in 10 years”?
“Dancing on your grave!”

There are many empty malls, and there will be many more in the near future. What can they be repurposed for?
Hobo battle arenas

Let’s say we live in a world where we’re all cars, exactly like the Pixar movie. What car would you be?
A Lightburn and Co. Zeta Sedan

What is the best unreleased song you’ve ever heard?
Where’d the Cheese Go Part 2 by Ween

What do you think is the biggest mistake of humanity?
Coming down out of the trees.

What’s the most creative band name in your opinion?
“9cm Worm Makes Own Food”

What do you think about free will?
I believe I have free will, but I may not have any choice in the matter…

Who is the best President the United Stares has had?
Lipton Quick

What are some mind-blowing facts about cricket?
At Edgbaston in 1932 (as Canter was facing Willcox bowling from the pavilion end) a spectator ran onto the ground claiming to have seen an alligator materialise on the pitch. No one else saw anything and Warwickshire went on to win by three wickets.

Why can’t we all just be nice and get along?
He’s trying to make us be nice! Break his knees!

Where do all the hot and sexy Martian women hang out?
Club Barsoom on the north side of Olympus Mons

Which generation did it better between Grease (1978) & High School Musical (2006)?
Remind me, which one had the school shooting scene?

What is the greatest song of all time?
Hot Dogs and Apple Sauce

If Neanderthals were still alive today, what kind of racist slurs would we use on them?
“Chinless!”

What is the best Michael Jackson song?
Ben – The greatest love song ever written for a cannibalistic rat!

Who is the most shameful figure in history?
Binro the Heretic. Crazy bastard with his “the stars are far away suns!” and “Ribos moves, not the heavens!”. Torture was too good for him!

What is your darkest desire?
To have a hundred of the Earth dollars!

Which artist would you consider a industry plant?
Dua Lipa was grown out of broccoli by the Monsanto Corporation!

What’s the most exciting moment while hunting?
When your prey realises there’s no escape and resorts to promises of money or whining about having a wife and children.

If you were held at gunpoint, what would you say?
‘Tective man a say, say daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane a licky boom boom dem!

Meine seltsame Freizeitbeschäftigung

Have I mentioned my strange hobby of translating Rammstein songs into English?

Jolly Neue Deutsche Härte minstrels Rammstein sure know how to construct a terrifying wall of Teutonic sound, and it’s a lot of fun to fight back against their particular style of sonic assault by singing along. However there’s something unsatisfying about growling out German words that you don’t understand and which no actual German would understand either because they’re not actually German words, they’re just your dime-store impersonation of what it sounds like Till Lindemann is muttering/bawling about.

“IN GOD ARISING VELL MY NAME IS IRON!” – Till Lindemann
(Photo by Sven Mandel)

There are a few ways to deal with this. One – of course – would be to learn German. This however is a lot of hard work for someone as lazy as I am. Another would be to memorise the lyrics of every Rammstein song along with their correct pronunciations, but that would take up memory space that could be more profitably used to store odd facts about the history of London or the exact taxonomical relationships between members of the Latrodectus genus of widow spiders. So I choose the easy route and write English lyrics that attempt to preserve the general meaning of the German ones while fitting the tunes and rhyming in the right places.

This is not as difficult as might be thought. English and German are very closely related, both being members of the West Germanic language family (along with Dutch, Frisian, Yiddish and a few others), which means simple German sentences tend to be about the same length as and use similar words to their English equivalents. Many can be understood right away or with only a few seconds’ thought – for instance…

  • Wir haben ein Problem
  • Hier kommt die Kavallerie!
  • Die Katze ist gut, ja?
  • Hast du Schweinefleisch?
  • Mein Hovercraft ist voll von Aalen!
  • Oh, lass nicht zu, dass die Räder deines Corporation-Lastwagens, der schmutziges Wasser aus Löchern saugt, über einen armen alten Mann fahren!

As such, translating a song from German into English is fairly simple, especially when compared to doing the same for a song from a different language group (I once tried translating a song out of Moldovan and almost died).

So my latest attempt is an English version of the song that taught millions of people the wrong German word for “ten” – Sonne

(I’ve left the counting in German because it’s obvious what it is and sounds so much better than boring old “one, two, three”. Furthermore ‘vier’ sounds like ‘fear’ and ‘sechs’ like ‘sex’, the combination of which sum up Rammstein’s music pretty accurately…)

SONNE by RAMMSTEIN
Translated into (mostly) English by Purple Wyrm

Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht, neun, aus!

We’re all waiting for the light,
Be afraid but don’t take fright,
The sun is shining from my eyes…

Tonight the sunset will not come,
And the world, it counts along,

Eins!
Here comes the sun!
Zwei!
Here comes the sun!
Drei!
Of all the stars the brightest one!
Vier!
Here comes the sun!

The sun is shining from my palms,
It can burn and blind and harm,
When it breaks out of my grip,
It falls upon your face and lips,

Tonight the sunset will not come,
And the world, it counts along,

Eins!
Here comes the sun!
Zwei!
Here comes the sun!
Drei!
Of all the stars the brightest one!
Vier!
Here comes the sun!

Fünf!
Here comes the sun!
Sechs!
Here comes the sun!
Sieben!
Of all the stars the brightest one!
Acht! Neun!
Here comes the sun!

The sun is shining from my palms,
It can burn and blind and harm,
When it breaks out of my grip,
It falls upon your face and lips,
It forces hard against your chest,
Digs it’s claws into your flesh,
It hurls you down, your senses gone!
And the world, it counts along!

Eins!
Here comes the sun!
Zwei!
Here comes the sun!
Drei!
It is the brightest star of all!
Vier!
And from the sky will never fall!

Fünf!
Here comes the sun!
Sechs!
Here comes the sun!
Sieben!
Of all the stars the brightest one!
Acht! Neun!
Here comes the sun!

A Straunge and Terrible Wunder

A straunge and terrible wunder wrought very late in the the parish church of Bongay, a tovvn of no great distance from the citie of Norwich
A straunge and terrible wunder wrought very late in the the parish church of Bongay, a tovvn of no great distance from the citie of Norwich…

For some reason my brain has decided that rewriting the Darkness’s Black Shuck to fit the tune of Bobby Picket’s The Monster Mash would be a good thing to do.

It may be appropriate for Halloween, but I am still sorry…

BLACK SHUCK – BOBBY PICKETT AND THE CRYPT KICKERS

In fifteen seven seven, a town in the east,
Was visited upon by a most curious beast,
And his eyes numbered one, and shone like the sun,
And promised the loss of a cherished one!

It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!

Flames engulfed the sacred spire,
As the last line of defence was engulfed in fire,
A flaming priest stepped in the firing line,
Of a beam of despair – god, he took his own life!

He saw the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!

All through the church in the midst of its fire,
The blazing hound chased, from the nave to the quire,
On the left and the right, many folk he slew,
Then with his evil work done, out the door he flew!

It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!

A nimbus of light surrounds one crimson paw,
As he takes another swipe, at the old church door,
The people of Blytheburgh, yes they rued that day,
But he also made a side trip to Bungay!

It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!
It was the Shuck!
An omen of bad luck!
It was the Shuck!
That dog don’t give a fuck!
It was the Shuck!
It was the dog Black Shuck!

And in case you’re unfamiliar with what the Darkness were on about in the first place, this may provide some enlightenment.

Not Healthy for Children and Other Living Things

I did not invent it. I wrote it down in order to get it out of my brain.

Shelly Winters, Scary Go Round

Every now and then Triple J – the youth radio station I listen to despite no longer being a youth and radio being a dying medium – holds what they call “Requestival”, which is where they play nothing but songs requested by listeners for an entire week.

This leads to some… strange juxtapositions. For instance a few days ago One Day More from Les Miserables led immediately into Push the Little Daisies by Ween, which is likely something that has never happened previously in the entire history of music, and – if God is merciful – will never happen again. As I type, Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell is transitioning to Middle by DJ Snake, so you get the idea of the kind of thing that can happen.

The other kind of thing that can happen is being woken up to the sounds of Billy Ray Cyrus and Achy Breaky Heart, which is what I had to suffer this morning.

Frankly it’s amazing that I got up rather than rolling over and going back to sleep for ever.

In any case this horrid occurrence reminded me of the parody version of said song that my brain insisted on producing 30 years ago when Billy Ray first foisted his infamous crime against music upon us. It is not a good parody. It is, in fact, one of the very worst things I have ever written, and the only reason I’m posting it here is – Shelly Winters style – to get it out of my brain. It is deeply shameful and not healthy for children and other living things, so I recommend you stop reading here and go back to your life with your consciousness unsullied.

Still here? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You can smell my knees,
Smell anything you please,
You can smell my trousers any day,

You can smell my breath,
And choke yourself to death,
I never really liked you anyway,

But don’t smell my arse,
My farting, barking arse,
It’s something that you gotta understand,

‘Cause if you smell my arse,
My farting, barking arse,
I might blow off and kill you man,

Oooooo!

I am so very, very sorry.

Words to Conjure With

May I beg the thanks of Birmingham?

That’s as may be, but it’s still a frog.

Gulla gulla gulla gulla gulla.

God, it is Danzig!

It’s alreet in the heat.

I think we can get more out of this horse!

Playing tennis, in the Herald Sun.

I hate these dreams.

Layin’ earth, burn side!

How sharper than a serpent’s thanks.

Incoming!

Agricola’s granite tomb.

Who let him down the rabbit hole?

Don’t look at the ink!

Can you see my floating hair?

And part of every day.

Sing this pierogi to me.

A hundred thousand frogs per mile.

I am the crab man.

On the coast of Dogs, sir; y’are i’th’ Isle o’ Dogs, I tell you…

As a general rule, authors do not read fan fiction.

They do not read fan fiction and are also, generally, loath to accept plot ideas from random members of the public. The reason for this can best be demonstrated by the following short play…


TAMBURLAINE AND THE WALRUS

Random Member of the Public: Excuse me good sir, are you by chance the famous author Congreave?

The Famous Author Congreave: I must confess, sir, that I am indeed he.

Random Member of the Public: And I in turn must confess that I am the most ardent admirer of your work, often resorting to unseemly extremes to obtain your latest publication.

The Famous Author Congreave: I am flattered sir. Flattered.

Random Member of the Public: Allow me to ask, have you ever considered writing upon the great conqueror Tamburlaine? I fancy your talents well suited to a fabulous tale of his encounter with a surly walrus.

The Famous Author Congreave: I have not, but I must admit that the idea is an intriguing one.

Random Member of the Public: Then I hope you shall consider it. It would be an honour indeed to inspire one of your works.

The Famous Author Congreave: You honour me sir with such praise. I see my driver has arrived and I must away, however it has been a pleasure to to make your acquaintance.

Random Member of the Public: And yours sir. And yours.

FIVE YEARS LATER

Random Patron in a Pub: Did you hear? The latest work of the famous author Congreave – a fabulous conceit on the subject of the conqueror Tamburlaine encountering a walrus – has sold out in each and every book emporium and has been optioned by a Hollywood producer! He stands to receive millions!

Random Member of the Public: What!? That was my idea! I shall contact my attorney at once!

LENGTHY AND EXPENSIVE LEGAL PROCEEDINGS ENSUE

FINIS


As I hope this short drama illustrates, any person in a creative field must be extremely careful when it comes to sourcing ideas. Recent history is replete with famous authors being dragged through the courts by random so-and-sos insisting that said author’s best selling novel is plagiarised from the 20 page storybook they self published in 1983. It’s safest overall for an author to straight up refuse to engage with fans offering them ideas, and to completely avoid any amateur writing involving their worlds and characters.

Which sucks, because I have a great idea for a Rivers of London/PC Grant novel.

Or at least I think it’s a great idea. It ties together some obscure real-world London history with some obscure real-world London geography while involving a number of well known historical figures and events in the way that the best moments of the PC Grant novels do. It’s the kind of hook that an author like Ben Aaronovitch could hang a great story on – it’s just unfortunate that it occurred to me and not him.

“So why don’t you write it yourself?” you ask. And it’s a fair question. I’ve written my fair share of fanfic and without wanting to sound big-headed I think a fair amount of it passes muster. The problem lies in the kind of writing I’m good at. You want an idiotic comedy where established characters behave like lunatics? I’m your man! Or are you after a faux-academic paper? No problem! Could I interest you in a brochure for a non-existent museum replete with in-jokes? I have one right here! You want a story where realistic characters behave in a realistic fashion in the real world? Yeah… That’s not something I can do.

I suspect that’s down to my autistic brain. It’s easy to write characters breaking the accepted rules of society when you’re not that clear on the accepted rules of society to begin with. Imitating a specific literary style is simple when you’re a hyperlexic who’s read literally thousands of books. But describing the thoughts and actions of realistic human beings? I’m barely a realistic human being myself.

And then there’s the issue of length. My brain fizzes with so many ideas and urges that it’s hard to find the time to get even a short story written. At any given time I’m likely to have at least a dozen projects on the go. I’ve never been diagnosed with ADHD but I certainly have enough of the traits to frame a suspicion.

So, what to do?

To my mind the only sensible option is to lay the whole thing out here, if only to get it out of my head. As such I am pleased to present the plot for a PC Grant novel based on my idea. It’s not the only possible plot, and certainly not the plot that Mr Aaronovich would come up with (I’m entirely confident that his version would be far better). I’ll avoid spoilers by placing an explanation of my brainwave at the end – if you’re not interested in my painful attempts at story-telling then please feel free to skip to there. But if you’d like to come on the journey then please read on as I sketch out the plot of –

EASTWARD HO!

(or “Der Kreis auf der Hundeinsel” if you’re nasty)

I couldn’t help myself…

The story begins with the body of a middle aged man being discovered in Millwall Park on the Isle of Dogs, apparently having been stabbed to death. The Folly is called in when a battered business card is found in his pocket with the contact details of the late and unlamented Martin Chorley – AKA the Second Faceless Man.

Investigation shows that the man – one Christopher Greenshield – was an antiquities specialist who’d recently returned to the UK after an absence of about six years. He was renting accommodation along the Outer Millwall Dock, which proves to have been burgled and ransacked around the same time as his murder. There are no traces of vestigia in the flat, on his body or at the site it was discovered, although it’s quickly determined that he was attacked elsewhere and his body relocated post mortem. It’s also determined that he was killed by several stabs with a narrow, stiletto-style blade.

Historical investigation fails to uncover any links between Greenshield and the Little Crocodiles. It is determined however that since his arrival back in London two weeks earlier he’d been trying to contact Chorley – apparently unaware of his demise. A painful slog through the material in his flat and tracking his movements eventually establishes that Chorley had been in contact with him around 12 years earlier, seeking some kind of rare historical document. He’d returned to London because he managed to obtain a copy and was seeking Chorley as a buyer.

The actual identity of the document is unclear, but Greenshield’s documentation shows he found it after research into 18th century Shakespeare forger William Henry Ireland. This puzzles everyone – why would Chorley be interested in Ireland? A tenuous connection is suggested between his Arthurian obsessions and Henry’s forged play Vortigern and Rowena – did he base it on some kind of authentic material? Or was Chorley somehow unaware that the play was a forgery?

Investigation on the Isle of Dogs indicates that Greenshield had a number of encounters with an eccentric local resident living on the north side of Mudchute Park, one Justin Linstock. Linstock appears to have appointed himself unofficial caretaker of the park and often harasses visitors with accusations of littering, noise and anti-social behaviour – complaints about which have previously brought him to attention of the police. He’s interviewed but denies all knowledge of the burglary and the murder, stating that Greenshield was loitering in the park and needed to be moved on.

Following up leads eventually tracks down a historical researcher employed by Greenshield to authenticate the mysterious document. Greenshield had him sign a non-disclosure agreement, but the prospect of prosecution convinces him to talk. It’s revealed that when composing his Shakespeare forgeries William Henry Ireland managed to obtain a genuine Elizabethan script to use as a model, and Greenshield found it. A manuscript copy of the suppressed and long lost 1597 play by Thomas Nashe and Ben Jonson The Isle of Dogs.

No one believes this to be a coincidence.

Happily the researcher has a photocopy of the whole thing which is quickly forwarded to Professor Postmartin, who almost has a stroke out of sheer literary excitement. He quickly confirms that the work is genuine, although it shows clear signs of not being the original script. Rather it’s a ‘memorial reconstruction’ or ‘bad quarto’ put together from the memories of audience members and actors. This would explain how it survived the government suppression of the original. Comment is made on the irony of Ireland laboring over painful Shakespeare pastiches while sitting on a genuine literary treasure.

Postmartin goes on to reveal the astonishing reason why the play was suppressed. Accepted history says it was banned as being insulting to Queen Elizabeth. Instead it turns out to be a dramatised claim that the playwright Christopher Marlowe was ritually murdered as part of a magical ceremony conducted by Queen Elizabeth’s court astrologer Doctor John Dee to establish a magical nexus or ‘omphalos’ on the Isle of Dogs. A nexus intended to serve as the heart of a world spanning British Empire.

Postmartin explains that there have been strange rumours surrounding Marlowe’s 1593 death for centuries. The official story says he was stabbed to death in a drunken fight over the bill in a Deptford boarding house, but there have been claims that he was involved with espionage and may have been eliminated to plug a leak. He was also known to be associated with a group of radical free thinkers, occultists and atheists – labeled in later centuries as ‘The School of Night’ – who were viewed as a threat to the Throne. The play – employing a series of fairly transparent pseudonyms – alleges that Dr Dee was the head of a magical group loyal to the Queen and who decided that Marlowe would not just be a suitable sacrifice, but that his death would strike a blow against their rivals.

Research shows that stories surrounding Dr Dee and the Isle of Dogs are well known among modern day occult groups, who tie them into a series of alleged ‘ley lines’ stretching across the city of London. Nightingale even heard similar stories as a young man, but the Folly never considered them as anything more than spooky campfire tales. The existence of the manuscript – authored by Marlowe’s friends Nashe and Jonson – entirely changes matters. Putting aside the historical implications, could Chorley have been after it for details on how to construct his own omphalos or reactivate the purported Elizabethan one? If there was already a nexus of empire-building magical power in London then re-energising it might be an easier way to Make Britain Great Again than trying to create and control a god. And regardless of Chorley’s intentions if there is a nexus of empire-building magical power in the heart of London’s Docklands then the Folly needs to know about it.

Postmartin and Nightingale dissect the details of the script to try and determine if the ritual described therein has any accuracy to it while Peter heads out to the supposed site of the omphalos – located in Mudchute park. He finds nothing unusual or magical at the site – a circle of stone paving – but has a run in with a somewhat agitated Justin Linstock who tells him he’s not welcome in the park and orders him to leave. Peter leaves, then doubles back to shadow Linstock, but he merely returns to his house.

Back at the Folly Peter does some more digging on Linstock. He has a lengthy record of warnings and public nuisance reports to his name, all relating to incidents in Mudchute Park. One from 18 months ago particularly stands out where he was involved in a physical scuffle with a John Leverpool. According to the incident report Leverpool – a New Age enthusiast – was dowsing for ley lines in the vicinity of the omphalos when Linstock approached from behind, tackled him to the ground and made several attempts to punch him in the head. Bystanders intervened and the police were called. On their arrival Linstock refused to explain himself and Leverpool declined to press charges. Peter attempts to contact Leverpool but he’s at a retreat in Scotland and won’t be back for the next week. Leverpool is tagged as a person of interest and Peter marks Linstock as worthy of more detailed investigation.

By the next day Nightingale and Postmartin have completed their research and have concluded that the ritual described in the manuscript – while consistent with pre-Newtonian magical beliefs and practices – simply couldn’t work. It’s a farrago of portentous sounding nonsense, and if it bears any relationship to an actual ritual carried out by Dee, said ritual would have achieved nothing. Speculation is had concerning Martin Chorley – did he figure this out for himself somehow, or did he simply give up on the omphalos and move on to other projects because of the lack of information? It will probably never be known.

An alert is then received. The previous evening a South London schoolboy failed to return home. CCTV has turned up showing him talking to and then leaving Greenwich railway station with a man who has been identified as Justin Linstock. Nightingale notes today’s date – May 30th, the anniversary of Christopher Marlowe’s mysterious death in Deptford…

A search of Linstock’s house turns up no trace of him or the missing boy, however the missing manuscript of The Isle of Dogs is found along with a large collection of books and material relating to the Elizabethan era, Doctor Dee and ley lines. Examination of the manuscript shows that the pages containing Dee’s supposed ritual are missing.

Nightingale leads a team across the park to the omphalos but finds nothing. At the same time Peter heads across the river to meet up with another team at Deptford. Matters are complicated because the exact site of the house in which Marlowe’s was killed is unknown – the best information is that it’s in the vicinity of Charlotte Turner Gardens. As police go door to door Nightingale races to meet up with Peter who is on the phone to Postmartin, going through the script for any clues. References to the river and “harnessing nature’s power” eventually lead to the electricity substation on Borthwick Street, when they interrupt Linstock acting out Dee’s ritual from the play, arriving just before he’s about to sacrifice the schoolboy using a stiletto-like Elizabethan ballock dagger.

Under interrogation Linstock confesses to the murder of Christopher Greenshield using the same dagger, which he claims is the very one used to sacrifice Christopher Marlowe. He claims to be a descendant of John Dee, and the hereditary guardian of the omphalos, a role that has been passed down through his family for centuries. Communication with angels (received via automatic writing in Dee’s Enochian alphabet) alerted him to Greenshield’s presence and his possession of the key to re-activating the omphalos. When Greenshield refused to hand this over he had no choice but to kill him and recover the manuscript himself. An initial psychological assessment shows him unlikely to be competent to stand trial.

The Museum of London confirms that the dagger is authentic to the period, so the claim that it killed Marlowe is at least plausible. The rest of Linstock’s claims are rather dubious with his family only emigrating to the UK in the late 1800s and his knowledge of the manuscript more likely coming from conversations with Greenshield in the park than from angels. However they cannot be entirely ruled out.

The play is added to Postmartin’s archives and the omphalos site is added to the Folly’s watch list, although assessed as very low risk.

THE END

OK, so that’s the story as best I can tell it. Or at least as best I care to tell it – I could work on it more but there’s not really much of a point. My inspiration was some random neurons in my brain suddenly linking the (quite real) occult claims about the mysterious paved circle in Mudchute Park to the suppressed and lost The Isle of Dogs. After that it pretty much all flowed. That’s the core idea, and that’s what I’d like – were it at all possible – to submit to Mr Aaronovitch for what I assume would be his far better take on it.

I decided to throw William Henry Ireland into the mix both to pad out the tale and because his story is a fascinating one. I read most of his Vortigern and Rowena for this project and how it could ever have been mistaken for Shakespeare is entirely beyond me.

The name Eastward Ho is taken from a another Ben Jonson (with George Chapman and and John Marston) play from 1605 which features a scene on the Isle of Dogs and which (like The Isle of Dogs) got into trouble with the government, this time for it’s satirical take on King James’ Scottish associates. It was written in response to the play Westward Ho by Jonson’s rivals Thomas Dekker and John Webster who went on to write Northward Ho as their own response. The names of several characters in my story are taken from these plays.

So that’s it. I have yelled my idea – for what it’s worth – out into the universe. If you’ve managed to stick with it this far I hope it has provided some level of entertainment. Keep an eye out for my next project, Southward Ho, completing the City Comedy tetralogy started over 400 years ago!

(Just kidding.)

Adeptus Mechanicus Tech Support

“Your workstation is not equipped with a caffeine holder!”

“Sir, I need you to turn the cogitator off, recite the Third Canticle of the Omnissiah, then it on again.”

“Yes, I know you’ve already done that, but please, humour me and do it again.”

“Are you sure you’re turning off the cogitator and not just the holo-projector, the cogitator should take at least a minute to…”

“Sir, if you continue to use that kind of language I’ll end this call and inform the Inquisition.”

“Thank you. Alright, the cogitator is the large, glowing cylinder covered in purity seals beneath your desk. You should be able to see a brain suspended in the fluid.”

“No… the brain definitely should not have ‘mushrooms’ growing out of it. Are the purity seals intact?”

“Why in the name of the God Emperor did you remove the purity seals?!”

“Sir, that noo-mail was a hacking attempt from the Dark Mechanicum! Didn’t you read the security bulletin!?”

“Alright sir, disconnect the cogitator from the power feed and wait by your workstation. An Ordo Malleus support team will be with you shortly…”

Your friendly neighbourhood Ordo Malleus Support Tech

A Meal with God

A dozen turkeys,
Fresh orange peel and some veal,
Well kneaded dough and a dozen turkeys,
Do you want to hear about the meal I’m making?

You,
It’s you and me,

And if I only could,
I’d make a meal with God,
And I’d get him to set our places,
Be chopping up that cod,
Be chopping up that dill,
With no problems,

Come on, baby, come on, darling,
Let me seal this doughnut with you now,

Come on, angel, come on, come on, darling,
Let’s exchange the ingredients…

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