A Meal with God

A dozen turkeys,
Fresh orange peel and some veal,
Well kneaded dough and a dozen turkeys,
Do you want to hear about the meal I’m making?

You,
It’s you and me,

And if I only could,
I’d make a meal with God,
And I’d get him to set our places,
Be chopping up that cod,
Be chopping up that dill,
With no problems,

Come on, baby, come on, darling,
Let me seal this doughnut with you now,

Come on, angel, come on, come on, darling,
Let’s exchange the ingredients…

All the Knowledge of the Ages

What does sacrifice means to you?
Disaster for Samoa Joe

What is your ideal breakfast?
A dead bat in a tumbler of fresh squeezed orange juice.

What are some technological advances you are excited to see within the next 10-20 years?
The conversion of the poor into a cheap form of fuel (c’mon, We all know Bezos is working on it!)

Where is the best country you have visited?
The hour I spent at Charles de Gaul international airport was quite pleasant.

What is something you know that the government is hiding from us?
Dogs are benevolent interdimensional beings from the Element 12 timeline who came to Earth to guide us, but we ruined them with selective breeding.

You are allowed to commit ONE crime. No charges, no consequences and no one remembers. What do you do?
I wouldn’t actually commit any crime, but I’d make sure everyone knew I could commit a terrible crime at any second and get away with it.

What would be the best Game of Thrones spin-off?
Varys Eunuch’s Day Off!

If you could have any superpower what would it be?
19th Century Britain.

People who don’t like FRIENDS, why?
They drop all those hints that Ross is a serial killer then never resolve them!

Did you know that twerking is a sacred empowerment practice that helps to clear stagnant energy in our bodies?
I’m gonna need you to put down the bong and go to bed.

What can make anyone look cool?
Corpse paint and dark glasses.

How can people enjoy gardening?
Well you see, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

What are weird laws in the place you live?
It’s apparently illegal around here to go into people’s houses and take their stuff?! Like stealing is a crime or something?!

What’s your dirty little secret?
BOSCO!

You have the opportunity to have dinner with one person or being, real or fake. Who do you choose?
Andre.

You’re thrown into a pit with a giant snake but instead of attacking you it says “May I interest you in this tasty apple?”. What now?
I’d ask if it’s just an apple, or if there’s some kind of unnecessary metaphysical/mythic nonsense attached.

There’s no hint that the forbidden fruit was an apple
But there’s no hint that it wasn’t. One should be suspicious of snakes offering any kind of fruit.

Or you could just dismiss bronze age mythology as just that!
Well I would, except I’ve just met a talking snake, which suggests that bronze age mythology may be more fact based than we previously assumed.

How are you preparing for the Climate Wars?
Eating crap and not exercising. I figure I’ll die before they become really serious.

When will other beings of the universe contact us?
When we apologise for broadcasting “Big Bang Theory” out into space with no warning attached.

What moment in a movie completely sums up how bad it is?
The bit in Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief that explains that the bad guys couldn’t find Percy because of his stepdad’s smell.

What’s one moment from a children’s TV show that has always stayed with you?
When the Night Garden got invaded and Igglepiggle was executed for being out after curfew.

You’ve got 10 seconds to say anything to the entire world population, what would it be?
“YOLO 840 research flat moon!”

Who is currently the majority whip?
Mad Joe Whippington, Five Time Winner of the Whippiest Whip contest at the Whip County Annual Fair.

What did you expect?
For the Representative skeleton to lodge an objection.

How good are you at the Spanish language?
Uh… Cilantro es el hombre con el quesa del Diablo?

What celebrity do you think smells really bad?
Does Pete Doherty still count as a celebrity?

What is considered safe but is actually very risky?
Scat singing. One of these days a Scatman is going to stumble upon the forbidden syllables that will end the world.

What gets billed as being relaxing but has the opposite effect on you?
Erik Satie’s Gymnopédie Number 1 makes me feel like someone is about to jump out of the shadows and kill me.

If you could order a scaled down pet sized dinosaurs, what breed would you like to buy and what are you going to name it?
An ankylosaur and I’d name him Abrams after the tank!

What would be on your rider list?
Ghost Rider, Knight Rider, Doomrider, Ghost Riders in the Sky, H. Rider Haggard and Die Apokalyptischen Reiter.

People who take blue colored pills, what’s it like not being aware of the Matrix?
It’s great! I no longer grind my teeth at night!

What do you believe your fate will be at today’s judgement?
I fully expect to be assigned for Testing To Destruction. It’s OK, I’ve lived a good life.

What is the fastest way for a 14 year old to double $5000 legally?
I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening? Plastics

What is your favourite TMNT?
The fifth turtle, Bosch. He didn’t feature in the series much because he had a wicked LSD habit.

What song would be good to sing slow and menacingly while cleaning, loading, and cocking a shotgun?
I like Aeroplane Jelly… Aeroplane Jelly for me…

What comes after snap crackle pop?
Cleaning up the bodies

What is your favorite assault rifle of all time?
The Xuanlong

Alumni and faculty of prestigious schools, what are some dirty secrets of these elite institutions that us plebs might not know about?
The people who live in the steam tunnels. Well, I say ‘people’…

How would you react if a another student’s head randomly exploded in your classroom?
I’d turn to the rest of the class and coldly say “And that’s what happens to those who challenge me”

What is the stupidest theory you know?
Horse paste will protect you from the deadly virus which is no worse than the flu and doesn’t actually exist because it’s a hoax.

What is something a teacher did that made you lose respect for them?
Claim that the fact that ice floats proves the existence of God.

Which is the most anticipated movie of 2021?
Lindsey And Leon Go To A Roller Disco

What are the powers (mentioned in the 10th amendment) granted to the people?
Flight, telepathy, teleportation, heat vision and the right to keep and arm bears

There will be a demonic scream in the sky tomorrow at 13:47. What’s your response?
Eh! Just another day in Dunwich!

What happens when we construct one building for the whole of Earth’s population to live in?
Do you want Necromunda? Because this is how we get Necromunda.

What is the best way to describes someone that attracted to a girl but also attract with a man but not that much?
A human being

What things were men from 100 years ago better at than men from this current time period?
Whipping a disrespectful cad with one’s cane!

You are now the messiah, what is your message to the world?
“Just stop it! You’re ruining it for everyone!

What is Reddit and what are some of its unwritten rules?
A) A small town in eastern Romania.
B) Do not feed pierogis to the Mayor’s goats.

Why you are so stiff?
When 900 years old you reach, be as flexible you will not.

Which is the best anime?
Poku-Poku Corgi Explosion

Why, just why why why?
I don’t know man, I didn’t do it

What are some things you realized when you matured?
If I don’t like a song it doesn’t mean that it’s shit. It just means it doesn’t appeal to me.

What is the most difficult thing to throw out in your home?
This stupid statue that was here when I moved in. It’s made of some weird black-green stone and it looks kind of like a guy with an octopus for a head. Every time I throw it in the trash it just turns up on the shelf again! Crazy!

People who don’t drink coffee in the morning, how do you wake up?
Coke No Sugar is my chemical bilge-water of choice!

What’s the worst physical, non-painful feeling ever?
Some weird sensory cross-talk in my nervous system means that the taste of caraway seeds makes me feel like my skin is trying to slip off and crawl away.

What is your favourite song by a one-hit wonder that isn’t the one hit?
I Got the Message by Men Without Hats is a jam.

What is the most criminally underrated movie?
The Frighteners. Peter Jackson, Michael J. Fox and R. Lee Ermey

Any decoration ideas for a small bedroom for two teenage girls who hate pink?
Vantablack

What animal do you think you should be exterminated off the face of the earth?
The Sunda Stink Badger

Why?
We don’t need no stinking badgers!

If humans farted on each other to assert dominance, what would society be like?
The living would envy the dead.

What would you do in order to be remembered for the rest of history?
Burn down some great public building!

If you could add one amendment to the US constitution what would it be and why?
“A series of poorly regulated ursine atrocities being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and arm Bears shall not be infringed.”

What if the placebo effect isn’t the effect of evolution, but the cause?
That doesn’t even begin to make sense.

What is the sexiest language?
German! RAUS AUS MEINER VERDAMMTEN KNEIPE, DU DRECKIGES, STINKENDES STÜCK WALROSSSCHEIẞE!!! So sensual!

How did the first humans find out about sex?
When the Ice Age came everyone huddled together for warmth and one thing led to another.

If you had to eat a common household pet, which species would you eat?
A guinea pig. They do it all the time in Peru!

Where to buy smartphone screens in Switzerland?
Around the back of Basel Cathedral between 1:00 and 3:00am Sunday mornings. Stand under the elephant and ask for ‘Paulo’.

What would life be like if we lived in a joke?
Ministers of religion would spend most of their time walking in and out of bars.

What new nations/empires will rise and take over from the current ones?
The Great Aspergic Empire – in which neurotypicals will be sterilised and banished to labour farms in Antarctica – is due to take control of South America in 2463. Make a note in your calendars!

What’s the average penis size of Americans?
24 inches – note however this figure fails to exclude statistical outlier Penises Georg who lives in a cave and has a 14.4 mile long penis.

If you could partition any one country, which one, and what are the two countries now?
I’d split North Macedonia into South North Macedonia and North Macedonia2

Who is worthy of wielding Thor’s hammer?
Mr Rogers

What is the negative side of being good to everyone?
Ayn Rand’s tobacco scented ghost follows you around muttering about societal parasites.

What do you miss the most from the 90s?
Not thinking that terrorism was a problem.

What’s one animal you’d give the ability to speak?
Pigeons, but they’d just recite Finnegan’s Wake at low volume 24 hours a day.

What was that one time you summoned The Slender Man like?
It was cool. We had a few beers and discussed kids these days.

What are you searching for?
A heart of gold. I’m getting old though.

What is one thing you wish never existed?
Zinc!

But Zinc is used in many important things!
Come back Zinc! Come back Zinc!

We get a movie about a President’s term in office a few decades afterwards, so who will play Donald Trump?
I’m sure Weta Workshops will be able to CGI something appropriate on top of Andy Serkus.

What do you think about the US becoming a Latin country?
If that means togas, I’m in!

If you were Jeff Bezos what would you be doing tomorrow?
Starting a research program into surgically implanted urinary catheters that could be hooked up to a central wastewater hub so I don’t have to pay for all those lazy Amazon warehouse staff taking pee breaks.

People who browse the Dark/Deep web regularly, What is the most disturbing thing you have seen there?
There are these things called “Pink Rooms” which is where they have a webcam in a room somewhere and the room is full of hedgehogs and you can pay bitcoins to have people come in and feed and play with the hedgehogs. It’s chilling!

What is the meaning of life?
A 1983 movie by Monty Python. Not their best work, but the accompanying The Crimson Permanent Assurance short is a work of genius.

If you had to live the rest of your life as a werewolf what would you do?
Dance!

How do you get rid of a blocked nose?
With an angle grinder

What are some benefits of wearing a mask besides reducing the spread of the plague?
You can sing King George’s song from Hamilton at the bus stop and no one in the passing cars will be able to tell.

British and American people, do you feel any responsibility for what your country has done to Afghanistan?
Don’t forget the Australians!

Which serial killers suffered from mental illness?
Richard Chase thought Nazis were drying up his blood by putting poison in his soap dish and killed a bunch of people to drink their blood as a replacement, so I think he probably qualifies.

If you could bring one person back to life, who would it be?
The person who first figured out how to smelt metal. I’d take them to Shibuya Crossing in Tokyo and say “See what you did!?”

Considering China is being such a jerk to everyone, why doesn’t the rest of the world recognise Taiwan?
Do you want World War III? Because that’s how you get World War III.

Why do Irish people hate England?
About a thousand years of oppression and attempted genocide?

How would one find out the volume of an arctic fox?
It’s generally printed on the spine for easy selection when shelved.

If god gave you the power to change one thing in the world no matter how ridiculous it is, what would it be?
All cows would turn pink, give strawberry flavoured milk, and have my signature on their sides.

How do you survive a polar bear attack?
If you get to the point where the bear is actually attacking you, then you don’t.

What is one good thing about Mississippi?
It makes Alabama seem a bit less crap.

Your little oddities, what are they?
I will ask you not to refer to my children that way!

Who do you think Jack the Ripper was?
It’s well known that he was an insectoid alien seeking parts to repair the biological systems of his spacecraft. The stuff about “the Juwes” not “being blamed” was an extremely poorly worded attempt to offer uranium 238 in exchange for unwanted mucus membranes.

How did your or your friend’s pet hamster die?
Bloody Freddie Starr!

How can Trump lose weight?
Cut down to only eating one or two immigrant children a day.

What country is most likely to secretly be a super advanced utopia like Wakanda?
Iceland. Suspiciously small population living around the edges of a large island with nothing in the middle. They’re OBVIOUSLY concealing a highly advanced, volcano powered society in there!

You find yourself in Pompeii and there is no escape. What pose do you strike to baffle the future archeologists as much as possible?
I imagine my dental fillings will cause enough bafflement regardless of what pose I strike.

Road construction workers – why do you cut out rectangular sections of a highway every so many feet, only to then fill it back in with fresh concrete?
They harvest the bits of road with the highest concentrations of platinum group metals from catalytic converters and melt them down to extract the metal and live like kings! (Or at least that’s what many of us have heard…)

What does the US do better than the UK?
Incarcerate their own citizens!

What was the most inspirational moment of the Olympics?
Back in 1988 when they didn’t think the opening ceremony through properly and incinerated a bunch of doves in the Olympic flame.

People who have met 1800’s people, how did they behave?
They were very slow moving and mostly just interested in food. To be fair they were 140 years old. And a tortoise.

What is one video you know that definitively proves the supernatural to be real?
Proof that we share this planet with non-human intelligences

What’s the best folk song ever?
Whales are Whales by the Sensitive New Aged Cow Persons

What is the best piece of mental health advice you’ve ever received?
Your brain does not always tell you the truth – especially about yourself.

What is the best cat themed WiFi router name?
LANcat is LAN

Assuming one god exists: where is he/she/it located?
On a planet behind the energy barrier at the centre of the galaxy, as revealed in the Holy Scripture of Star Trek V – The Final Frontier.

Poop came out grass green, what does that mean?
You are turning into an Irishman. There is no known cure.

If the theory that we exist in a simulation was revealed to be true, how would you live your life differently?
I’d go on strike until the programmers provide me with some upgrades!

Who in your opinion is the most over-hated band, singer or musician?
Nickleback. I mean they’re mediocre as hell but they don’t deserve all the hate they get.

You have to cook one meal for Gordon Ramsay. What do you make?
A burger, and I’d follow the instruction video he put up a few years back.

When and how did you last flirt?
I wouldn’t know how to flirt with instructions printed on the girl’s forehead.

What is your opinion on Joe Biden now he’s had half a year in office?
I no longer tense when a news report starts with “American President…”, so that’s something.

If you had to go to school again, but you suddenly knew all answers. How would you prove you didn’t cheat?
I did know all the answers. I was insufferable.

Did they think you were cheating?
Not after the first few times. The teachers quickly learned I was “that kid”.

What did you do to impress your crush?
Rap the rap bit from the KLF’s Justified and Ancient really fast. It didn’t work.

You screwed up the rap?
No, I did it perfectly. She just thought I was insane.

What are some not so fun, fun facts about the human body?
You almost certainly have cancerous cells in your body right now. Your immune system will probably kill all of them before they spread any further and you’ll be fine. Probably.

What is the first thing you think of when you hear ‘Florida’?
That’s America’s wang!

You’re a casting director for a major motion picture. Who do you get to play the fictional President of the United States?
One of those “Rogue One” style digital resurrections of Paul Lynde.

You’ve just been invited by the AMA’s to perform at their annual function… which song do you choose?
The Final Countdown – but the Deep Sunshine version.

A Genie has granted you 3 wishes, what do you wish for?
A cheesecake, a second cheesecake, and take a fuckin’ guess!

If you could go back in time and do anything, what would you do to confuse modern day archeologists?
Dress dead dinosaurs up in giant American football helmets.

Who is the weirdest person you’ve met online?
I’ve never met anyone particularly weird online (by process of elimination that means it’s me).

What is your opinion about the trolls in Icelandic zoos? How would you relate human rights to troll rights?
It’s a fucking disgrace is what it is! The Peer Gynt Act should have been repealed decades ago!

How do you clean the blood off your penis after you finish peeing?
Chili powder dries it right up!

What would people post if social media was around in the middle ages?
WASHING is a PLOT by þe POPE!!! Eating burnt moles is þe plague cure ÞEY don’t want thou to know about!!!

Because people in the middle ages never washed!
Of course ordinary middle ages folk washed. We’re talking about the anti-papist, mole-ash theorists here!

What’s stopping you from loving yourself?
If I knew that I’d save a heap on therapy!

What did you dream about last night?
I woke up this morning utterly convinced that I’d come up with the perfect name for an ancient, corrupted city of evil! Once I woke up a bit more I realised that I had no need to name an ancient, corrupted city of evil, and even if I did “Catterpill” would completely suck.

How does a girl flirt with her crush and makes her crush break up with his girlfriend?
That is a terrible idea on every level.

Which is the most disgusting mammal?
Peter John Sexton of 432 Victoria Parade, Brighton, UK.

What is one reason to stay alive?
Spite!

How can the Hogwarts Express leave London at 11 and arrive in Scotland just in time for dinner?
Over-pressuring the boiler and skimping on safety features lets you get a steam engine going really fast. And it’s not like anyone actually misses the 30-50 House Elves that get broiled, cut in half by steam leaks or accidentally shoveled into the furnace each trip.

Why are all Australians so good looking?
As an Australian I have some bad news for you…

What are your beliefs and or superstitions about rainy days?
I believe that if it’s raining I shouldn’t have to get out of bed in the morning.

What’s the best way to spend 132 dollars in Las Vegas?
Pay hobos to dance for nickles

What is the TLDR of your country’s history?
Sixty thousand or so years of history and then some white fuckers turned up and tried to kill everyone.

What long dreams do you think bears have during hibernation?
I’m sorry to have to break it to you this way, but you’re a hibernating bear and your entire life to date has been a dream.

The entire population of Earth has been replaced with clones of you. What is now the greatest problems that the world is facing?
The imminent extinction of the human race due to the impossibility of two people of the same biological gender reproducing?

What is your sexual personality?
Is rocking back and forth in a corner screaming a personality?

You’re in a room with a locked door. You have a goose, a hairdryer, a lemon, copper wires, two AA batteries, and a ice cream cone. How do you escape?
Why would I ever want to leave?

What does a girl mean if she said “What would you think… about me having a child?”
It’s hard to say exactly, but I’d hazard a guess that she wants to know what you’d think about her having a child.

What are some Turkish jokes?
Recep Erdoğan?

What’s the first thing you would do if you were suddenly the only person on Earth?
Go to bed. I’ll deal with things once I’ve caught up on some of my sleep debt.

What is the worst sandwich you ever had the displeasure of eating?
An alleged toasted cheese sandwich purchased for actual money from a cafe that consisted of two slices of cold toast with a Kraft Single placed between them.

Monster? BANG? Red Bull? Which is the best energy drink?
Gau Jal – straight from the cow’s bladder to you!

People that have broken their penis vertically, how did it happen?
When Hagrid tells you sticking your dick in the owl is not a good move, believe him!

Why was Paul McCartney not asked to be in the Traveling Wilburys?
Tom Petty refused to let him in because Paul stole his sheepdog and then mocked him about it in song.

What is the best way to get rid of black heads and white heads?
Madame Guillotine does not discriminate!

The Battle of the Tamesis Ford

The Battle of the Tamesis Ford
Author: Gareth C. Worth
First published May 2017 in Volume 12, Issue 6 of ‘Roman Transactions’

The ‘Tamesis Ford Letter’ was discovered among the notes of the late Professor Arthur J. Cline of the College of Archaeology and Ancient History at the University of Leicester following his death at the age of 77 in 1998. Although undated, context places it between 1947 and 1953 when Professor Cline undertook several research trips to Orthodox monasteries in Turkey and Romania.

Professor Cline’s notebooks from this period contain numerous hand written copies of historical documents presumably located in monastery libraries. Few however are annotated with dates or locations, making determination of their origins virtually impossible. A number were referenced with full details in the Professor’s published work suggesting that he maintained some form of index, but searches of his papers have failed to uncover any such document.

The text, located in notebook seven of the Cline archive, exists in two forms, a classical Latin original and Professor Cline’s English translation. The Latin contains several lacunae speculatively filled in the English version. Both versions end suddenly suggesting that the original document was similarly truncated, or that Professor Cline was interrupted in his transcription.

The letter purports to be an eyewitness account of the battle between the forces of British Chief Cassivellaunus and Julius Caesar at a ford on the river Thames during the latter’s second invasion of Britain in 54 BCE. We have Caesar’s own, typically terse, account of this battle in book five of his Commentarii de Bello Gallico, but the letter – while consistent with the Commentarii – includes far more detail, even featuring the war elephant otherwise first mentioned in works from the 2nd century CE. The Latin is typical for an educated Roman of the period, suggesting that the author (one Titus Magius) may have been an officer. No mention of him in other documents has been found, however this is hardly unexpected given the fragmentary nature of surviving records from the period.

If genuine, the letter is a remarkable and important new source of information on Caesar’s campaigns, and it is curious that Professor Cline never shared it with other researchers. It seems likely that the more unusual features of the account – including the use of quicksilver and a mysterious spear bought from the Temple of Saturn – led him to doubt its authenticity. It also cannot be ruled out that the letter is a work of fiction composed by the Professor himself, although it would be inappropriate to speculate for what purpose such a work would be intended.

Research on the origin of the letter continues. Even if the truth of the matter remains unresolved it is an intriguing document that raises questions about the accuracy of Caesar’s accounts of his campaigns, and the social structures and methods of warfare employed by the Britons of the first century BCE.

The Tamesis Ford Letter as translated from the Latin by Professor Arthur J. Cline c.1950

Letter to Lucius Magius Petronax in Rome from his brother Titus Magius in Britiania, a.d. XI Kal. Oct. DCC A.U.C. (19th September 54 BC)

Good health to you my brother. Be assured that your news was received with great joy by myself and my comrades and much wine has been consumed [to your honour]. You ask for an account of our assault on the ford and I am pleased to supply one thus.

We came upon the river called Tamesis from the south, the ford lying where its course turns from the north towards the west, the width being beyond the shot of a sling. The forces of the Britons with many horses and chariots were assembled on the far bank and saluted our [arrival] with a great tumult of taunting calls and many blasts upon bronze trumpets the sound of which was most discordant. Our enemy had placed many sharpened stakes beneath the waters of the ford but forewarned by the prisoners captured during our advance we did not charge the waters.

Caesar commanded forward two Centuria of the [second?] Legion and cavalry to shield them and they entered the waters until only their heads stood free, the waters of the ford being deep. At this came forth from the Britons a tall warrior clad in robes and breeches of fine patterned cloth and bearing a heavy ring of gold around his neck in the manner of the Gauls. He bore a shield of polished bronze set with red glass and a tall spear, and his clothes and arms with much gold were adorned. The Britons paid him much obeisance and many fell to the ground [at his feet]. The warrior strode forth and raised his spear over the waters and the river leapt upwards, rising as in spate, and [some] men of the Legion were washed from their feet and drowned.

I admit with shame that at the sight of this my heart quailed, as did that of many of my comrades who stepped back, [crying out in] agitation. Caesar commanded us to stand firm and sent forward the elephant named Magnus with archers upon its back and as it entered [the river] they emptied great vessels of Hispanian quicksilver and ordure into the waters. At the sight of this the Britons let forth a great cry of woe and the warrior cried out in a rage and ran into the river, and as his feet entered the waters they rose up in confusion as if struck by a storm, and several score Britons followed in his train.

Caesar ordered [the Centuria] from the ford and sent his personal guard to meet the Britons, and among them was borne a great spear of cold-forged iron, fully tall as a man and bound to a greenwood haft. It was said by many that this spear was bought across the sea from Rome at Caesar’s instruction and said some that it had first come from Dacia to the Temple of Saturn in the time of Aulus Postumius and any that touched [its metal?] would fall [to the ground] as if struck dead. The guard stood ready at the ford and met the charge of the warrior who in his fury outstripped his fellows, seeming as in flight to run across the water.

In a great rage the warrior cut down four men, but erelong was surrounded and disarmed by the press of the guards who swiftly pierced him with the great spear and dragged him up the bank. At this sight the Britons cried out and fell into a great confusion with many entering the ford but twice their number taking to their chariots [and fleeing].

Caesar ordered us forwards to meet the Britons and his guards fell upon the warrior, fixing his flesh to the ground with hastae of [cold-forged] iron. The strength of the warrior was indeed great for despite these grievous wounds he swooned not, loosing cries of agony with each piercing. Caesar himself then approached the warrior, drawing his sword and shouting much encouragement [to the men at] the ford. Then he struck with a single blow the warrior’s head [from his neck] and taking it by the hair held it aloft crying out “Thus for my boats!”.

The Britons, their champion slain, let forth a great and despairing groan and made to flee [back across the ford]. Many score fell to our slings and we swept forward calling upon the Salian Mars to destroy [our foes?]

With Apologies to Leon Payne…

Can you fry me up some slab, Mamma?
‘Cause I’m as hungry as can be
Life in this hive is just so drab, Mamma
You know that everyone hates me

Like the Gangers with their hair, Mamma
Down by the manufactory arch
There was some lightning from the air, Mamma
And now they’re turning them to starch

Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
The warp into my mind it drips
Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
They’re gonna take me to the ships

You won’t believe the things I’ve seen, Mamma
When I lay me down to rest
I’ve been having crazy dreams, Mamma
About this lady named ‘Slaanesh’

She has all these wild plans, Mamma
And they all seem really great
But I just don’t understand, Mama
Why she keeps calling me ‘The Gate’?

Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
You think I’m gonna lose control
Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
They’ll put those bindings on my soul

You know the Temple by the shore, Mamma?
Well I was feeling kind of lost
So I walked in through the door, Mamma
But everything got rimed with frost

An Ecclesiarchy Clerk, Mamma
Offered me the Emperor’s Grace
Well I kind of went berserk, Mamma
And somehow melted off his face

Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
Please Mamma hide me here at home
Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
Don’t let them feed me to the Throne

Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
The Inquisition’s drawing near
Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
But Mamma…
Didn’t you die last year?

(And some versions of the original, in case you’re not familiar…)

The Skereig Subsector

This post is part of the Skereig Subsector project

Click to Enlarge. It’s really big and impressive!

Overview

The Skereig Subsector is located in the Chiros Sector on the western side of the Segmentum Tempestus, close to the border of the Segmentum Pacificus, around 22,500 light years from Holy Terra. It has remained loyal to the Emperor for several thousand years, despite occasional isolation by warp storms and Xenos incursions.

The subsector extends for 15 light years around the Skereig system, although the furthest inhabited world is just over 8 light years from the capital. There are numerous uninhabited worlds further out, some of which are scheduled for colonisation over the next few centuries.

As of 991.M41 the subsector is dealing with the aftermath of an invasion by the Orks of Waaagh! Krumpfist, who attacked from the galactic south-west in 923.M41. Invasions of several systems – including Cnossath and St Cuthbert’s Slumber were repelled, but two systems remain under Ork control. The Subsystem Governor has been appealing to Imperial authorities for support in retaking these systems for over 7 decades, particularly the agriworld of Feargal, the loss of which has caused food shortages across the subsector.

Saints

The two most popular Saints in the Skereig Subsector are Saint Guinefort and Saint Beinagrind.

Saint Guinefort was the pet canid of High Ecclesiarch Zosimus CXXXVII of the Orphean Conclave. During an official visit to the Basilica of Saint Hermon on Skereig Prime in 885.M39 the Ecclesiarch was informed that he could not bring the animal inside. He reacted to this by immediately canonising the creature. Unable to bar entry to a confirmed Imperial Saint the door wardens reluctantly acquiesced and the canid accompanied the Ecclesiarch to all religious services for the duration of his stay in the subsector.

The general unpopularity of the Ecclesiarch – who was notable for his more worldly appetites – appears to have encouraged adulation of his saintly canid instead, although it is certainly possible that such worship was initially tongue in cheek, only transitioning to a genuine cult in later centuries.

Saint Guinefort is invoked as a protector of children and a defender of the Emperor’s realm against Xenos infiltration. He is typically depicted as a noble hunting hound with yellow or golden fur. This is despite accounts from the period describing the animal as resembling a stumpy-legged, overstuffed sausage with thinning fur and a jowly, scowling face.

Typical Icon of Saint Beinagrind

Saint Beinagrind, also know as the Holy Skeleton or Saint Bones is said to have been martyred on Ragnar’s World some time in M36. During a time of religious schism he remained true to the Imperial Creed and was executed by having his flesh scraped from his bones with sharpened scallop shells. Afterwards his bare skeleton arose and took holy vengeance by killing his persecutors. Attempts to correlate the legend with historical records have failed, nonetheless the Holy Skeleton remains popular on all worlds in the subsector, invoked against heresy and loss of faith.

Saint Beinagrind is typically depicted as a human skeleton bearing a scallop shell in its left hand and a fishing harpoon in its right – this being the tool he is said to have used to slay his murderers.

Notable Worlds

Cnossath: Cnossath is a Knight World allied to the Adeptus Mechanicus Forgeworld of Volund 27. It is home to three Knight Houses, Ventris, Cashel and Krater and with the assistance of the Valhallan 294th “Toecutters” Astra Militarum Regiment repelled the Orks of Waaagh! Krumpfist in 925.M41. More on Cnossath…

Dullrock 431: Apparently named by an extremely bored Explorator this lifeless body was later found to be rich in numerous rare minerals, with mining colonies established in the early 300s.M41. The highly corrosive atmosphere requires all colonies to be heavily shielded, with the majority of facilities placed deep underground adjacent to the ore deposits. Some Ork landings were reported in the 920s.M41, but the hostile conditions appear to have made short work of the would-be invaders.

Feargal: A highly fertile agriworld, Feargal supplied much of the subsector’s grain before being occupied by the Orks of Waaagh! Krumpfist in 923.M41. An expedition to reclaim the world has been waiting for Astra Militarum support for close on 75 years.

Gruts: An agriworld famous for a variety of wild truffle traditionally prepared by frying in butter. Several forested areas of the planet have been left undeveloped solely for the production of these rare delicacies.

La Salle: An arid, sun-blasted, desert world, La Salle is rich in rare mineral salts which are extracted by convicted criminals from across the subsector. Being condemned to the salt mines of La Salle is as good as a death sentence for all but the strongest convicts, with very few surviving the 20 years of servitude required for a preliminary parole hearing.

Mandrenke: The ocean world of Mandrenke teems with life, almost all of it inimical to humanity.

Ragnar’s World: An ocean world chiefly notable for the subsector’s main Naval facility, the orbital shipyards of Port Ragnar. It is also the reputed site of the martyrdom of Saint Beinagrind and many pilgrims make the journey to worship at the Grand Basilica on the island of Saint Skeleton, or the smaller, rival, Shrine of Bones on Beinagrind’s Strand.

Ravenser: The subsector’s only significant hive world, Ravenser has six major hive cities and around four-dozen smaller dependent hive conglomerations with a total estimated population of around 120 billion. The majority of the subsector’s manufactured goods are produced on Ravenser with raw materials sourced from the system’s three massive asteroid belts.

Keeping the population of Ravenser fed has always presented a challenge, but has been particularly problematic since the occupation of agriworld Feargal by the Orks in 923.M41. Food related riots and uprisings have become a permanent feature of the planet with three entire regiments of Skereig Varyags seconded to the planetary Arbites to enforce the peace.

San Guinefort: Named after the Saintly Hound, San Guinefort is home to the Battle Sisters of the Order of the Argent Veil – a minor order believed to have split off from the Order of the Sacred Rose in the early M40s.

St Cuthbert’s Slumber: An unremarkable agriworld, St Cuthbert’s Slumber was invaded by the Orks of Waaagh! Krumpfist in 924.M41. The attackers were successfully confined to the northern continent, but the Xenos scourge was not completely eliminated until 932.M41. Advice on proper cleansing of contaminated areas from Valhallan units in the relief force has kept feral Ork outbreaks to a minimum.

Werinos: Werinos is a mostly oceanic world with highly acidic oceans. The major native form of life are gigantic bacterial colonies established around deep geothermal vents and extending into the planetary crust. These colonies produce massive amounts of volatile gas which diffuses into the oceanic water column, from which it is extracted by thousands of floating platforms and piped to refineries on the single, middle sized continent on the planet’s equator for conversion into promethium. Promethium exports from Werinos provide upwards of 80% of the subsector’s fuel requirements.

Much technology on Werinos and on the nearby Forgeworld of Volund 27 has been adapted to use the gas in its raw form, with both planets’ manufactoria greatly skilled in the production of highly efficient gas turbines. The experimental Werinos Pattern Gatling Cannon uses two such miniature turbines for power, providing the same rate of fire as a standard Punisher Cannon with a simpler mechanism and fewer moving parts. Deployment of Werinos Pattern cannons on the battlefield is currently limited by the difficulty of keeping them supplied with gas – they are common on both Werinos and Volund 27, but are rare elsewhere.

On the Diplodocus

Pagan Dinosaurs of the Cretaceous Period

The diplodocus has long been known as the most religious of all the dinosaur groups. While it was long known as an atheist, its scientific name means “to see,” and is derived from a Greek word meaning “to discern,” a reference to the way the fossilised bones in its skull appear to pick up light from a nearby star as it glides across the sky. It’s even speculated that this ability helped it survive the extinction event that wiped out many dinosaurs and ultimately ushered in the modern era of the dinosaur world. There are some, however, who argue that Diplodocus was an especially devout member of the religious group as it was the only dinosaur to be a complete member of the group from birth, rather than being merely a juvenile that was left to its own devices. This would explain why the animal had so many other “religious” characteristics, including the unique habit of sitting on a rock and holding its tongue out, which was also believed to be the means by which it communed with its divine creator, the Great Architect of the Universe.

The fierce atheism of the triceratops is not surprising, as the species’ thick skull and neck are covered with thick, bony plates. Some experts have speculated that the thick plate might have allowed the triceratops to hold its breath during deep dives, but this remains unproven. Another theory, based on a study by Dr. Jonathan Caulkins, suggests that the thick plates may have helped the animal with its ability to move its heavy body around by stretching the neck, which was so large that it could extend up to 30 feet during the breeding season. This could have allowed the triceratops to reach heights of up to 35 feet in flight.

Among other flying dinosaurs are the plesiosaur, the pterodactyl, the saber-tooth cat and, surprisingly, the ornithomimid, which was discovered in North America by a team of researchers led by paleontologist Michael S. Currie. Religious motivations, as one would expect, are not confined to this group either. In fact, the oldest of these ancient flying reptiles are known to have been some 300 million years older than the last dinosaur to be discovered.

The Vatican has been the site of considerable controversy over the age of the world’s first flying reptile, which some claim was an adult tyrannosaurus rex, which would have been about 160 feet long and 10 feet tall, and that is now thought to have been a member of the family of plesiosaurs, of which only one species remains.

The opinions of St Paul concerning ‘Thunder Lizards’ are also cited in the ‘Acts of Peter,’ a work of the ninth century by St. Ignatius, who quotes from the same writings of St. Paul (see below). The first dinosaur-like animal known to exist is known as ‘Pyrghisaurus lindermanensis’ and is described by St. Basil as being about 5 to 10 feet long and 2 feet wide, and weighing 100 to 120 pounds, with the skull being a bit like that of a horse. This species was described by St. Clement of Alexandria in his book ‘On the Genesis of the Creation’, written in the second century, when the first dinosaurs were thought to have lived.

Whatever the case, we can rest assured that religious dinosaurs like these are a thing of the past.

We Didn’t Start the Cryptids…

Sea monk, Dobhar-chú,
Globster, Loup Garou,
Goatman, Grassman,
Beast of Gévaudan,

Morag, Wampus Cat,
Nandi-Bear and Spring Heeled Jack,
Momo, Gambo,
Mantis-Headed Man,

Kongamato, Tatzelwurm,
Grootslang, Lambton Worm,
Mothman, Trunko,
Thylacine and Shōjō,

Hodag, Hoop snake,
Creatures in Tianchi Lake,
Lizard Man of Scape Ore Bog,
Jackalope and Loveland Frog,

Welcome to the Kastrup Fortet Museum

Now the Wyrmlog is up and running again I thought I’d post my contribution to last year’s Advent Calendar on the SSSS Fan Forum.

If you’re not familiar with Stand Still, Stay Silent it won’t make much sense, but on the plus side, you can go off now and read Stand Still, Stay Silent! I’ll see you when you get back…

Back? Good. Enjoy!

(Oh, and there are spoilers, naturally…)

Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 1
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 2
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 3
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 4
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 5
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 6
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 7
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 8
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 9
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 10
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 11
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 12

If you found all that enjoyable you might like these printable Kitty Cutouts. Put them on your fridge! Confuse your friends and neighbours!

A few things to note…

  1. The Museum has a certain viewpoint about the expedition. Attempting to correct this would probably not go very well.
  2. Mikkel is almost certainly to blame for much of said viewpoint.
  3. Mikkel and Reynir’s accounts of the expedition differ on a number of important points, occasionally wildly…
  4. But since Mikkel’s version is the popular mass market one, and Reynir’s is the more academic and historical one very few people have read both and actually noticed.
  5. The museum director is Ida Södersrtöm. Why does that name seem familiar?
  6. Sigrun (now 68 years old) knows that the Museum is kinda inaccurate, but as long as they pay her she’s happy to come and tell stories about how awesome she is!
  7. Reynir did indeed name his (second) daughter after Tuuri.
  8. The author of the brochure definitely has a crush on Tuuri.
  9. That is not the Eiffel Tower.
  10. Bikupan Press eh? I wonder what that’s about?

If you want more of this kind of thing, check out my page on Archive of Our Own.

Oh, and the idea of a museum at the Kastrup fort with Kitty as a mascot and children’s guide had already been brewing in my head for a while before I stumbled over this in a museum in Italy. Sometimes life is just as strange as fiction…

Your museum guide is an orange kitten… hmmm….

With apologies to Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan…

On dense and rich worlds near the galaxy’s core,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

Dwelt short, bearded bikers forever at war,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

And though all these bikers were terribly small,
A tyranid hive fleet devoured them all,
So if you want some Squats, then you’ll get bugger all,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The tale of the Bloodtide is one you should know,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The brave Battle Sisters held out ‘gainst the foe,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The Grey Knights raced up as fast as they could run,
But they wanted some blood, so they slaughtered the nuns,
And Khorne thought the whole thing was terribly fun,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The Ultramarines you could never besiege,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

Their brave Chapter Master’s your spiritual liege,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

He’s Marneus Calgar, and he’ll never rest,
Of all Chapter Masters he’s clearly the best,
But why does the dude have a dinosaur desk?
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,