Meanwhile in another universe…

“Upon this very stone which you see here, knobbly and unadorned, the letters that The West reported may still be read, if one has the strength of will to approach the Coventry Markets. That I have done, and this I have read,

Develop North Australia, embrace multiculturalism and welcome short term foreign workers to our shores, To benefit from the export of our minerals and ores

The change in the wizard’s voice was astounding. Suddenly it became menacing, powerful, harsh as stone. A shadow seemed to pass over the high sun, and the porch for a moment grew dark. All trembled and the Elves stopped their ears.

“Never before has any voice dared to utter such unbelievable garbage in Imladris, Gandalf the Grey” said Elrond, as the shadow passed and the company breathed once more.

Excuses, Excuses…

I know I promised a review of The Hobbit, but we’re currently on the sixth day in a row with temperatures exceeding 37 degrees, so brain no working good so much not yus.

In the meantime here’s some Lord of the Rings content to tide you over…

With Apologies to Mitchell and Webb…

Thorin and Company are trapped at the top of a bunch of burning pine trees, surrounded by Goblins and Wargs…

Thorin Oakenshield: Right! This is a bad situation, but I have a plan! On my word, everyone leap down, weapons drawn, on the nearest warg. Go for the throats first, then turn your axes on the goblins. Not all of us will make it, but we’ll make a damn good accounting for ourselves!

Gandalf: Yes… yes… Or I could just summon a flock of giant eagles to come to our rescue..?

Thorin Oakenshield: ……ok.


Gandalf and Legolas have been trapped on the highest pinnacle of Orthanc by Saruman the white wizard…

Legolas: Alright! We’ll wait until the next time Saruman comes up to gloat at us. I’ll climb up on the statuary and loose a rain of arrows upon him, while you blind him with a sorcerous flash. Then we’ll take the stairs and fight our way down, grabbing the palantir on the way out!

Gandalf: Yes… very good… Or I could just summon a flock of giant eagles to come to our rescue..?

Legolas: ……ok.


The army of Gondor stands before the Black Gate. The forces of Sauron are in disarray, the ground shakes and ash falls from the sky as the One Ring is consumed in the fires of Orodruin…

Aragorn: The Ringbearer has completed his quest! The power of Sauron is broken forever! Assemble the most skilled riders and the fastest horses – if there is any hope that Frodo and Sam yet survive, we must ride for Mount Doom with haste!

Gandalf: That would work… Or I could just summon a flock of giant eagles to fly to the mountain and rescue them..?

Aragorn: ……ok.


(Saw The Hobbit last night. I’ll post my thoughts later but in the meantime I couldn’t get this ridiculous parody out of my head :))

Boorman You Wacky Man

I will take the Ring, though I do not know the way...

Stumbled over this recently on the Middle-Earth in Film page on Wikipedia…

…In the 1970s John Boorman was contracted by United Artists to direct an adaptation that would have collapsed [The Lord of the Rings] into a single film. […] In the script by Boorman and Rospo Pallenberg, many new elements have been inserted or modified. Among other things, Gimli is put in a hole and beaten so he can retrieve the password to Moria from his ancestral memory [and] Frodo and Galadriel have sexual intercourse…

My initial reaction was What!? But then I discovered that John Boorman was the guy behind Zardoz, and suddenly it all made sense.

What makes the proposed film even more disturbing is that in the 1970s they wouldn’t have been able to use the digital editing that Peter Jackson used to shrink his actors, and may not have been willing to do an entire film with the complicated trick photography Jackson used when he wasn’t using CGI. So Gimli and the Hobbits would most likely have been played by dwarfs. A movie where little people are thrown into holes and beaten in between sex scenes doesn’t sound like heroic fantasy – it’s more akin to something you’d get under the counter in an ‘adult novelty’ store.

Thank the lord Boorman made Excalibur instead, which (if memory serves) features very little dwarf S&M content.

Reading the Runes

Lego is releasing models for the Lord of the Rings. This is a combination of two of my favourite things, and is hence awesome! đŸ™‚

There’s one thing that’s bothering me though. One of the panels in the Mines of Moria set is decorated with text written in the cirth…The Mines of Moria

Cool, no? Except that I can’t for the life of me figure out what it’s meant to say.

If my interpretation is correct, it appears to read ndigwbndio pdy eobo.

I have no idea what this means.

So, am I using the wrong mode? Is it written in Khuzdul, or Sindarin? Or maybe Maori or Danish? Or is it just decorative gibberish? I have absolutely no idea, and it’s going to drive me nuts until I figure it out.

Later: Bah! It’s not the Cirth, it’s standard Futhark and says “Diordie was here”. Bastards! ;D

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