Oh Quornimal! Oh Quornimal!

The only animal made exclusively of mycoprotein!

Recently Helen mentioned on her blog a previously unknown form of fauna – the quornimal.

The quornimal is apparently…

“…a sort of dog-sized version of Highland Cattle but with the horn of a unicorn…”

Now this is all well and good, but it does raise at least one extremely important question. Does the quornimal have the horns of a highland cow, plus a unicorn’s horn? Or does it have the unicorn’s horn exclusively?

Perhaps there are even two species of quornimal – the mono-horned quornimal and the triple-horned quornimal. And if there are, do they taste different?

And can you find quornimal in Warrnambool?

Foolish Ideas: The Return

Getting other people to do all the hard work…

I’ve been boning up lately (oh stop laughing, that’s a perfectly legitimate phrase!) on the world of Hellboy, having used some tax return money and birthday book vouchers to buy Darkness Calls, Abe Sapien: The Drowning, BPRD: Killing Ground, The Hellboy Companion and the special edition of The Golden Army. As a result the nebulous mental space I use to store details of whatever fictional world I’m currently mainlining is stuffed to the gills with the big red guy and his colleagues.

This explains why when I read that an open source version of that old classic Wolfenstein 3D has been ported to the iPhone my immediate thought was “Hey! A Wolfenstein mod would make a pretty good Hellboy game!”

(Here comes the madness…)

You see, the history of Hellboy computer games has been plagued with bug ridden piles of garbage and adequate though hardly inspired beat-em-ups. So how better to fix the problem than to make some modifications to one of the most consistently popular and influential games of all time?

I mean think about it. Wolfenstein is all about running around a mysterious castle, shooting Nazis and stopping their fiendish attempts to raise a robotic zombie army. Could you come up with a more archetypal Hellboy adventure? All you need to do is swap out some of the graphics and bingo!

As for the plot? Well the BPRD sends Hellboy in to investigate reports of strange activity in the ruins of Castle Wolfenstein – rumoured to have been the site of experiments associated with Project Ragna-Rok back in World War II. He discovers an abandoned laboratory full strange equipment and inadvertently activates a primitive time travel device which throws him back to 1943. He has to fight his way through the castle back to the laboratory and get back to the present day.

Replace the faces in the health meter, add the Right Hand of Doom as a weapon, make the zombies look like the ones in the basement of Hunte Castle, swap out the bosses with Rasputin, Von Klempt and Kroenen and there you go! Hours of Nazi-smashing fun!

(You’d leave robo-Hitler in there untouched, obviously)

If I had the time I’d take a shot at it myself. Of course I don’t have the time, so I’m releasing the idea into the wild in the hopes someone out there is similarly enthused. Which they probably won’t be. But hey, at least I’m making an effort πŸ˜€

Hellboy in Wolfenstein? (Click to Enlarge)

I am the Wombat

Goo Goo G’joob!

If you fell foul of a witch, what animal would you be turned into?

I rather think I’d turn into a wombat. Wombats are antipodean and rotund, like myself. They like to sleep, but can be tenacious when the mood takes them. They waddle along in an amusing fashion but with a look of determination that seems to say, “Yes, I may be round and antipodean and have an amusing waddle, but I have things to be doing, so please move aside”.

Yeah, I reckon I’d be a wombat.

PS: Big congrats to Ali and Matt! πŸ˜€

Any Poor Souls…

Obsessed? Moi?

Any pour souls who trespass against us,
Whether they be beast or man,
Will suffer the bite or be stung dead on sight,
By those who inhabit this land,

For their’s is the power and this is their kingdom,
As sure as the sun does burn,
So enter this path, but heed these four words,
You shall never return…

(This has no relevance to anything whatsoever, but the song and the image are so inextricably linked in my head that I had to post it some time πŸ™‚

Foolish Ideas – The continuing series

Doctor House meets Mocky

Rewrite the lyrics of Mickey Mouse M**********rs by Mocky to be about Doctor House

It’s the G-R-E to the G-R-Y, H-O-U-S-E,
And if you try to f*** with us then that’s what you shall be,
I’m Doctor House m***********s,
I’ll make you bounce m***********s,
I’ll Doctor House you,
(It’s kind of sad, but I’m turning into Doctor House)
Can’t even see you no more,
Medically I’ll take you to the hospital and give you epinephrine,
Take your blood and dose you with a shot of pseudoephedrine,

…and so on.

(Yes, I’m fully aware that’s not how you spell ‘Gregory’. Deal with it πŸ™‚

But who’ll look after the graves?

I know, I shouldn’t mock the internet people.

Some comments from the news article Family sets sail for Australia like it’s 1854 on news.com.au today…

By 1854 every ship afloat was equipped with sextants and chronometers, which accurately measured latitude and longitude respectively and made navigation safe and reliable. If this bloke is “navigating by the stars” without even these instruments, he is not replicating an 1854 voyage, he is back in the age of the Vikings.

Posted by: chris of canberra

Chris of Canberra – read the article mate. They are recreating a voyage undertaken in 1854 by 7 people escaping from abject poverty. How were people below the poverty line in 1854 going to be able to afford a sexton and a chronometer. Navel chronometers were insanely expensive pieces of kit back when all clocks were mechanical.

Posted by: Badger of Melbourne

Badger of Melbourne – I’m currently planning a sea voyage myself and never stopped to consider the high cost of hiring church officials to take with me. Thanks for the heads up!

Posted by: Purple Wyrm of Sexton vs Sextant Land

I know I shouldn’t mock, but sometimes I just can’t help myself πŸ™‚

Black Metal Disney

I has a themepark

I woke up this morning thinking (for some reason) about the symphonic black metal band Limbonic Art, and their wonderfully deranged song Behind the Mask Obscure.

Black metal is generally not something I’m into – neither the sound, which varies between someone being strangled on top of a pipe organ and an Airbus A380 digesting a flock of geese, or the attitude, which seems to involve burning down historic churches and stabbing people to death in “self defence”, or at least singing about such things – but symphonic metal does have some redeeming features, mostly because of the symphonic bits.

Behind the Mask Obscure is a fine example of this. It starts with xylophones, drums, bells and strings playing music that wouldn’t sound out of place at a circus parade (albeit one with particularly scary clowns). The music gets progressively heavier and heavier until the guitars, drums and synths kick in, and it sounds like the apocalypse is nigh. The music then devolves into the more typical metal sound of chainsaws dismembering live cattle while someone screeches lyrics about forests, darkness, prophecies, graveyards, being undead, wandering the land and inventing inhumanity (the kind of stuff Tom Riddle would have written in his diary if they’d had Emos in 1943). Finally it pulls itself out of the pit and goes back to the more symphonic sound, wrapping up with a flourish of strings, drums and guitars.

The middle section with its assorted moans and growls really holds no interest for me – it’s the symphonic bits I like. There is one bit of lyrics during the symphony however and it was this I spent much of my morning puzzling over. At about the 1:12 mark a male voice choir (or at least some guy with a heavy echo effect) sings…

In distance from the light, I redeem my Gloria,
In darkness I have sights, a high esteemed fantasia,

…I wonder what that could mean. Let’s take a look at it phrase by phrase shall we?

“In distance from the light” is no problem, it’s just a somewhat pretentious way of saying “In darkness”. The next phrase however is more puzzling. “I redeem my Gloria”. As far as I’m aware the verb “redeem” has two main meanings in modern English.

The first to make up for past transgressions, or make something that’s gone bad, good again. You can for instance redeem yourself by doing good things after a disgrace. You can redeem something or somebody’s reputation by making people think well of it again.

The second meaning is to exchange something for a promised reward. You can redeem a gift voucher that someone has given you. You can redeem tokens cut out of the newspaper for a chance to win a car. You can even (theoretically) redeem money for gold or silver at your nation’s central bank (although they’ll probably shoot you if you dare to try).

Neither of these meanings seems to make much sense when applied to “Gloria”, which usually means a prayer or hymn in praise of God. It seems unlikely for instance that you could hand in a prayer or hymn for the chance to win a Toyota Camry. You could perhaps redeem a poorly written Gloria with a bit of judicious editing, which is probably the meaning we’re going to have to go with.

The second line begins “In darkness I have sights”. Presumably the lyricist (who I imagine like the band is Swedish) got their inflections wrong and actually meant “sighted” – but we’ll work with what we have. There is only one possible grammatically correct interpretation of “In darkness I have sights”, which is “In darkness I possess sights”. “Sights” of course when used as a noun refers to things people see, and more specifically to things people will go out of their way to see, such people taking part in the practice of sightseeing.

So, we may ask, what sights does the singer possess? Well helpfully he explains this in the rest of the line. He has “a high esteemed fantasia”. This could be any number of things, but to me it sounds like some kind of themepark.

So, the final analysis of the lyric works out to “In darkness I edit my poorly written prayer while operating a themepark”.

I’m glad we’ve got that sorted out! πŸ™‚

Not much else to report really. I’ve been wearing in a new pair of Docs (and as a consequence hobbling around like Torgo) and doing some work on a fairly insane post-nuclear mutant skirmish game. I’ve also been spending a fair amount of time wandering around Albany on Google Streetview (now that they’ve launched it in Australia) and avoiding as much of the Olympics as possible. Oh, and reading FreakAngels which has just started it’s second book (I’ll have to get on and update the Google Earth File).

Also, Dragons Landing is back on the air after a length hiatus. I may just send them a voicemail. Or I may not, since I’ve got a rather sore throat and any recording I make will probably sound like black metal.

Anyway, got to walk down to the village and buy some laundry detergent, otherwise I won’t have any clean clothes to wear this week. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!

(I’m quoting The Sound of Music. Someone, please shoot me).

Making Lives More Surreal Since 1976

Attack of the mysteriously materialising lemons

Went around to Rebecca and Dom’s on Saturday night to try out the pizza maker I bought them for their joint 30th birthdays. The night (and the pizzas) were a great success, but they wouldn’t let me leave until I agreed to take with me a bag of lemons from their manically overflowing lemon tree.

On arrival back at my place around 10:30, I – having no use for large quantities of lemons – got rid of some of them by sneaking around and putting one in each of the alcoves outside the doors of everyone on my floor.

(I would have done the entire building but there were still people about and I didn’t want to get reported to the terrorism hotline or anything).

Mysteriously materialising lemons! πŸ™‚

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