Tag: 40k

Extra Heretical!

For those not keeping track, this month is the 25th anniversary of Warhammer 40,000 – the first edition (the legendary Rogue Trader) being released in February 1987. Games Workshop is celebrating with events at their stores worldwide and is taking every opportunity to squeeze as much money as they can out of us poor devotees.

In comemoration of this momentous event I would very much like to make a celebratory video and whack it up on YouTube. Unfortunately, while I believe I would be entirely capable of making it, I simply don’t have the time to waste on something so stupid, and as such I shall merely describe it here…

We open with the 25th anniversary Aquila against a dark background. A frighteningly deep voice intones “In the grim darkness of the 41st millenium there is only….. DANCE!”. The rest of the video consists of animated  representatives of every army in the game doing the Caramelldansen against a series of apocalyptic backgrounds – except for an Imperial Commissar who insists on dancing to Falco instead.

Now c’mon, can you deny that such a video would be teh awesum?

Well, yes, you probably can.

In any case, here are examples of the ridiculous kinds of videos that inspired this ridiculous idea, for your enjoyment/torture…

Dark Fruits of the Mind

Anyone actually singing this in the 41st Millennium would be up before the Inquisition so fast…

The thing about having a creative brain is sometimes it’ll create things you just don’t want it to. And the only way to get rid of things that it’s created against your will is to spit them out into the world – otherwise they’ll lurk in the dark corners of your mind and jump out to torment you when you least expect them to.

As such, I am reluctantly forced to subject you all to this monstrosity. I’m so, so sorry…

My mother was the keeper of the orbital dock,
And she slept with a sanctionite warlock,
Out of this union came children three,
An ogryn and a ratling and the other was me,

Oh now see the Emperor’s light!
Oh for the life of a sanctionite!

One cycle I testing out the ammo feed,
Belting out a verse of the Omnissiah’s Creed,
A voice from behind me said “Hey there!”
I turned to see my father floating in midair,

Oh now see the Emperor’s light!
Oh for the life of a sanctionite!

What has become of my children three?
My father then he asked of me,
One was fed to the Emperor’s throne,
The other was converted to a servitor drone,

Oh now see the Emperor’s light!
Oh for the life of a sanctionite!

The warp fire flashed in his skull white hair,
I looked again and my father wasn’t there,
A voice came echoing from the airlock,
“To the warp with the keeper of the orbital dock!”

Oh now see the Emperor’s light!
Oh for the life of a sanctionite!

For Reference Purposes

Behold the God Machines of the Omnissiah!

The battle against rickettsiae continues. I’m still sick, but not quite as sick as I was yesterday. However I’ve completely run out of tissues so it feels just as bad as yesterday. Sigh.

In any case I’ve spent my time today cancelling reservations and preparing to contact my travel insurance company to beg for money. To calm myself down from this I’ve also just spent a few hours researching 40k Titans and seeing what I could figure out about the vexatious issue of scale. So I can find these easily in future, I thought I’d put them here.

So here is height and scale data for Imperial Titans (as far as I’m concerned :))

Imperial Knight Titan (Rarely mentioned these days)
Tabletop: 15 cm / 5.9 inches
Real Scale: 9m /29.5 feet

Warhound Titan
Tabletop: 25 cm / 9.8 inches
Real Scale: 15m / 49.2 feet

Reaver Titan
Tabletop: 40 cm / 15.75 inches
Real Scale: 24m / 78.7 feet

Warlord Titan
Tabletop: 60 cm / 23.6 inches
Real Scale: 36m / 118 feet

Emperor Titan
Tabletop: 90 cm / 35.4 inches
Real Scale: 54m / 177 feet

It would be nice for the Emperor Titan to be bigger (one of my calculations suggested 180 metres, which would require a tabletop model 3 metres tall!), but around 54 metres seems to be the most reasonable figure.

Hope that helps someone out, if only me đŸ™‚

The Worldwide Leman Russ Bitz Shortage

Someone doesn’t want me having a Eradicator…

So, a while back I placed an order on eBay for some Warhammer 40k bitz – including two Leman Russ turrets – from a seller that I’ve dealt with many times before without problems.

My order arrived a few weeks later – minus one of the turrets.

I emailed the seller politely asking where the second turret was, and they apologised profusely, saying they’d send it immediately.

Not long after the first order I placed an order with another seller (again whom with I’ve happily dealt in the past) that included a Leman Russ Nova Cannon. My order arrived a few weeks later, sans cannon.

I emailed the seller to point this out, and they apologised profusely, immediately refunding the cost of the cannon.

Today a parcel arrived from the first seller. It contained five 40mm bases that I never ordered, and no Leman Russ turret.

Call me paranoid but this is getting suspicious…

Inevitable

Oh no, not again...
Oh no, not again...

If you play Warhammer 40k, it’s inevitable that sooner or later Games Workshop will completely screw you over.

In my case this happened a few months back. I’d figured out a strategy that I reckoned would – if not actually defeat Fabes and his Spess Mehreens at least give them a run for their money. I even spent some money purchasing models to do it all proper and official like. Then Games Workshop changed the rules and invalidated the entire thing.

Dang.

(I’m not going to say what the strategy was as I’m sure Fabes would be interested in playing a game using it just to see what would have happened…)

And this month Games Workshop have done it again with the release of the new Necrons Codex.

Of course they haven’t screwed me over games-wise – I’m an IG Treadhead not a Necronphile. They’ve instead completely offended my stylistic sensibilities by changing the Necrons from a ruthless, emotionless killing machine serving the omnicidal agenda of millenia-dead star gods into a bunch of bickering empire builders who no longer want to harvest the galaxy, just rule it with a living-metal fist. The latest White Dwarf even features a conversation between a couple of Necrons. A fething conversation!

And the C’Tan! Now it turns out that the Necrons overthrew the C’Tan and split them into “shards”. Shards? What pantheon are we talking about here?

The Necrons used to represent an important aspect of the grimdarkness of the 40k universe – make deals with things more powerful that yourself and you’ll lose everything. Now you can apparently make deals with things more powerful than yourself, overthrow them, and walk away with cool metal bodies covered in bling. That’s not 40k. That’s not even close to 40k. But I suppose it does mean Games Workshop can sell a bunch more cool looking models, which is the main thing*.

Oh well, time to invoke the MST3K mantra….

* Yes, of course selling models is the main thing, it’s always been the main thing, and if Games Workshop wants to alter their IP to sell more models they’re perfectly within their rights to do so. It just hurts to have it shoved so obviously in our faces, that’s all.

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