I’ve recently – for my sins – become involved with a play-by-post role playing game on one of the forums I frequent. It’s a science fiction game and we had to write a passage to introduce our characters. This is mine, introducing Corvus Jyones, maverick engineer…
(Note: Contains adult language)
Corvus Jyones, recently engaged engineer of the freighter Gaunt’s Promise was finalising the post-touchdown system checks when the Captain entered the engine room.
“Corvus, have you got a minute?”
“Sure thing Cap!” Corvus sharply saluted and put down his clipboard.
The Captain awkwardly returned the salute “Look, there’s no easy way to say this. You’re a great engineer and you’ve kept the ship running like a dream, but the crew have had a meeting, and they’ve decided – well – they’ve decided that they don’t want you on the next trip. Or any trip, actually.”
“You’re firing me?”
“I’m sorry Corvus”
Jyones turned away. He picked up his clipboard, then put it back down. He picked it up again, turned it around a few times, and put it down again. He picked it up and turned back to the Captain.
“Is it the razor thing?”
“Partially…”
“I told him, don’t use it for more than two minutes straight or it’ll overheat”
“It exploded!”
“Technically they’re the same same thing…”
“It’s also the food”
“I needed parts to fix the razor”
“And they had to come from the refrigeration system?”
“Hey, who’s the engineer here? I made sure there were plenty of non-perishables…”
“Doctor Goodhealth’s Complete Nutrition Paste?”
“Nothing wrong with nutrition paste! It’s nutritious! And delicious!”
“The crew beg to differ. Look, just leave without a fuss, please?”
“At least let me get my stuff”
“Your boiler suits? They’re out on the tarmac.”
“What? How you can you treat them like that? The boiler suit is pinnacle of human sartorial development!”
“So you keep insisting…”
“So, that’s it? Six months of loyal service and all because of one minor, disfiguring explosion I’m cast adrift into an uncaring galaxy without so much as a penny to my name?”
“You were paid yesterday”
“And how do you know I haven’t spent it all on comic slates and moon pies?”
“You haven’t been off the ship yet!”
“I could have been. You don’t know everything I do!”
The Captain sighed heavily and buried his face in his hands,
“Corvus…”
“Can I at least say goodbye to the crew?”
“They’ve already said all they want to say”
“When?”
“All over your boiler suits”
“Fuckers”
“Just, go. Please.”
Corvus set down the clipboard.
“All right, if that’s the way it’s got to be. But I’m not going to go quietly!” He lunged for the nearby intercom panel, mashing the ‘All Channels’ button with his fist.
“I’M A FARMER DADDY!! I’M A FARMER!! DADDY, I’M A FARMER!!”
“GIVE ME THAT YOU INSANE BASTARD!”
“I’M A FARMER!! I’M A- GET OFF! GET! Oh fuck it, have it your way…”
Five minutes later Corvus Jyones stood alone on the spaceport tarmac – except for a pile of soiled boiler suits. The lights of the colony beckoned, promising excitement, adventure and (hopefully) dry cleaning.