Category: Warhammer 40k

Ursarkar E. Creed’s Favourite Song

Kell on the other hand can’t stand it…

(With profound apologies to Pig with the Face of a Boy)

I had a little stormbolter,
He was my only friend,
I took him to the holoshow,
And loved him ’till the end,

I had a little barking toad,
On my windowsill,
And he ate all the flies,
That came in my room,

Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
He’s my only friend in the whole wide world,
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
Or I’ll have to cut your head off, with a blunt chainsword,

I had a little plasma gun, I shot it at a Tau,
I fired off six shots and I burnt my hand on the grip,
I stole a Sister’s laud-hailer and used it to do this,
CREEEEEEED!!!
But then a Necron broke it so I damaged all his face,

Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
He’s my only friend in the whole wide world,
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
Or I’ll have to wipe the remnants of your insides off my face,

Please don’t tread on my little barking toad,
He’s my only, only friend in the whole wide world,
He was little, and green, and he kept me free from flies,
Until someone trod on him, and he exploded, destroying everything for a radius of approximately one kilometre,
And it was very, very sad,

Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
He’s my only friend in the whole wide world,
How would you like it if I stole your cogigtator?
And I gave it to an Eldar in exchange for spirit stones?

Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
He’s my only friend in the whole wide world,
Please don’t tread on my stormbolter,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,
Ha! ha! ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,
Ha! ha! ha ha ha!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA,
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh,

Good!

Sir, have you no Latin?

It’s “Cuss-toe-dez” and “A-star-tez” thank you very much!

I was listening to a couple of 40k podcasts over the weekend (it’s kind of taken over my brain at the moment – don’t panic, it’ll burn itself out after a while), specifically 40k Radio and the Independent Characters. Both were very informative and entertaining and I’ll probably be adding them to my podcast-roll permanently – however there was just one little thing that got my teeth on edge…

Someone (I can’t ever remember which podcast they were on, let alone which of the participants) mentioned that they were considering building an Adeptus Custodes army. This is a fine idea and would look damned awesome on the table top, the problem was that they kept calling the Custodes “Cus-toads”. CUS-TOADS!!

Emperor on a Mobility-Scooter! What next? Calling the Space Marines “Ass-tarts”?

This is what happens when an entire nation takes perfectly serviceable words like “colour” and “realise” and spells them the way they’re actually pronounced! LINGUISTIC ANARCHY!!! 😉

Extra Heretical!

For those not keeping track, this month is the 25th anniversary of Warhammer 40,000 – the first edition (the legendary Rogue Trader) being released in February 1987. Games Workshop is celebrating with events at their stores worldwide and is taking every opportunity to squeeze as much money as they can out of us poor devotees.

In comemoration of this momentous event I would very much like to make a celebratory video and whack it up on YouTube. Unfortunately, while I believe I would be entirely capable of making it, I simply don’t have the time to waste on something so stupid, and as such I shall merely describe it here…

We open with the 25th anniversary Aquila against a dark background. A frighteningly deep voice intones “In the grim darkness of the 41st millenium there is only….. DANCE!”. The rest of the video consists of animated  representatives of every army in the game doing the Caramelldansen against a series of apocalyptic backgrounds – except for an Imperial Commissar who insists on dancing to Falco instead.

Now c’mon, can you deny that such a video would be teh awesum?

Well, yes, you probably can.

In any case, here are examples of the ridiculous kinds of videos that inspired this ridiculous idea, for your enjoyment/torture…

Dark Fruits of the Mind

Anyone actually singing this in the 41st Millennium would be up before the Inquisition so fast…

The thing about having a creative brain is sometimes it’ll create things you just don’t want it to. And the only way to get rid of things that it’s created against your will is to spit them out into the world – otherwise they’ll lurk in the dark corners of your mind and jump out to torment you when you least expect them to.

As such, I am reluctantly forced to subject you all to this monstrosity. I’m so, so sorry…

My mother was the keeper of the orbital dock,
And she slept with a sanctionite warlock,
Out of this union came children three,
An ogryn and a ratling and the other was me,

Oh now see the Emperor’s light!
Oh for the life of a sanctionite!

One cycle I testing out the ammo feed,
Belting out a verse of the Omnissiah’s Creed,
A voice from behind me said “Hey there!”
I turned to see my father floating in midair,

Oh now see the Emperor’s light!
Oh for the life of a sanctionite!

What has become of my children three?
My father then he asked of me,
One was fed to the Emperor’s throne,
The other was converted to a servitor drone,

Oh now see the Emperor’s light!
Oh for the life of a sanctionite!

The warp fire flashed in his skull white hair,
I looked again and my father wasn’t there,
A voice came echoing from the airlock,
“To the warp with the keeper of the orbital dock!”

Oh now see the Emperor’s light!
Oh for the life of a sanctionite!

For Reference Purposes

Behold the God Machines of the Omnissiah!

The battle against rickettsiae continues. I’m still sick, but not quite as sick as I was yesterday. However I’ve completely run out of tissues so it feels just as bad as yesterday. Sigh.

In any case I’ve spent my time today cancelling reservations and preparing to contact my travel insurance company to beg for money. To calm myself down from this I’ve also just spent a few hours researching 40k Titans and seeing what I could figure out about the vexatious issue of scale. So I can find these easily in future, I thought I’d put them here.

So here is height and scale data for Imperial Titans (as far as I’m concerned :))

Imperial Knight Titan (Rarely mentioned these days)
Tabletop: 15 cm / 5.9 inches
Real Scale: 9m /29.5 feet

Warhound Titan
Tabletop: 25 cm / 9.8 inches
Real Scale: 15m / 49.2 feet

Reaver Titan
Tabletop: 40 cm / 15.75 inches
Real Scale: 24m / 78.7 feet

Warlord Titan
Tabletop: 60 cm / 23.6 inches
Real Scale: 36m / 118 feet

Emperor Titan
Tabletop: 90 cm / 35.4 inches
Real Scale: 54m / 177 feet

It would be nice for the Emperor Titan to be bigger (one of my calculations suggested 180 metres, which would require a tabletop model 3 metres tall!), but around 54 metres seems to be the most reasonable figure.

Hope that helps someone out, if only me 🙂

The Worldwide Leman Russ Bitz Shortage

Someone doesn’t want me having a Eradicator…

So, a while back I placed an order on eBay for some Warhammer 40k bitz – including two Leman Russ turrets – from a seller that I’ve dealt with many times before without problems.

My order arrived a few weeks later – minus one of the turrets.

I emailed the seller politely asking where the second turret was, and they apologised profusely, saying they’d send it immediately.

Not long after the first order I placed an order with another seller (again whom with I’ve happily dealt in the past) that included a Leman Russ Nova Cannon. My order arrived a few weeks later, sans cannon.

I emailed the seller to point this out, and they apologised profusely, immediately refunding the cost of the cannon.

Today a parcel arrived from the first seller. It contained five 40mm bases that I never ordered, and no Leman Russ turret.

Call me paranoid but this is getting suspicious…

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