The Inner Life of the Star Wars Fan circa 1981

I’m currently engaged in a major clean out of my apartment to make it suitable for visits by human beings who aren’t absent minded hoarders. This has resulted in the turning up all kinds of treasures that I knew were in here somewhere but hadn’t actually seen for going on 20 years – one of which is the April 1981 issue of Fantastic Films: The Magazine of Imaginative Media.

If you’re a Star Wars fan you will realise that this date is signifigant, as it falls after the release of The Empire Strikes Back, but before the release of Return of the Jedi. This means that the sci-fi fans of the era were dealing with a number of epic cliff hangers – Han and Leia have confessed their love, Han has been frozen in Carbonite and taken away by the mysterious Boba Fett, Vader has made the spectacular claim of being Luke’s father, and there’s a mysterious ‘other’ who may save the day if Luke fails.

Of course we know the outcome to all of these. Han and Leia get together, Luke rescues Han, Boba Fett is just this guy, Vader actually is Luke’s father, and the other is Leia, who is actually Luke’s sister. But fans in 1981 knew none of this, so rumours, theories and speculation abounded.

The World Wide Web being 12 years in the future, the main place that these theories were discussed were in the articles and letters pages sci-fi magazines. And the letters page of Fantastic Films Vol 3 Number 8 contains a doozie of a letter penned by one Mary Jean Holmes of Milwaukee Wisconsin, responding to an earlier article speculating on how the Star Wars saga would conclude. It’s a fascinating look at the state of the fandom in between the movies, so I’ve decided to transcribe it here.

(I am doing this completely without permission and will happily remove the letter if anyone involved with it objects)


EMPIRICAL SPECULATION
Mary Jean Holmes
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Fantastic Films, Vol 3, Number 8, April 1981

Recently, I read Bill Hayes’ article speculating upon possible turns of plot in the upcoming Revenge of the Jedi 1, and had several strong reactions. Although I find his idea of Boba Fett working as an agent in [sic] behalf of the supposedly defunct Jedi intriguing (somehow, one lone knight wouldn’t seem enough to warrant calling an entire film Revenge of the Jedi), I also find some of Master Hayes’ arguments or speculations don’t hold proverbial water.

First off, if he’s going to bother to use quotes at all, he should get them and their sources right. The reference he makes to slavery is from Brian Daley (not Davey)’s Han Solo’s Revenge, not Han Solo at Star (not World)’s End.

The business about Jesus Christ clones is utterly ridiculous, as well as inapplicable to the SW universe. It’s a galaxy far, far away, remember? I’m quite tired of hearing stuff about Christ-figures in various stories. Granted, Ben-Kenobi might be Christ-like, but a Jesus clone he is not. (Jesus Eugenics Development Institute!2 Really!)

There is also the thought that “Obi-wan Kenobi” translated from (I believe) Japanese means more or less “The One with the force” to consider3.

Actually, musing over the idea of Boba Fett as the Other, I came up with a radically different conclusion.

If Fett really has been chasing around the galaxy, pursuing and supposedly destroying Jedi, but in reality collecting them at some undisclosed location for future use, I might buy the assumption. There is support, remember, Vader turned quite pointedly to Fett and said, “No disintegration.”4 Obviously, the man has a reputation for vaporizing his quarry. Perhaps he has been pretending to do so in order to keep them alive.

There seems to be no contradictions to this, except for two fairly minor items: 1.) The Wookiee scalps , which might be fakes he carries around to keep nosy people from looking too closely at him. 2.) The fact that he attempted to shoot Chewie in the carbon freezing room. You can argue off the shot at Luke as a warning, but we don’t know that he was thinking only of warning Chewie. Granted, Vader did stop him, which, if he is conversant with the Force, he might have predicted. Or perhaps he isn’t interested in either Chewie or Leia. But the fact that he tried is a touch disconcerting, especially if you accept the theory that Fett is a good guy working in disguise.5

Even so, one wonders what the blazes he’d want with Han, other than a legitimate bounty to keep the Jedi farm going.

There are theories running around that postulate Han as the Other, arguments with considerable support (if there’s really no such thing as luck, what’s been keeping him alive? Leia might have received Luke’s thought, but how did Han manage to find one half-frozen person in all that wasteland with a malfunctioning sensor? Things like that.) Oddly, we found that the two suppositions don’t necessarily negate one another; to a point, they are mutually supportive. The Other Hope, after all, doesn’t have to be a single person. No one ever said that it was.

But the notion of Fett as Luke’s father is one I simply can’t buy. I’d sooner believe Vader.6 The thought of Luke as a clone is interesting; it manages to keep all the projected tales within the collective title “The Adventures of Luke Skywalker”.7 But how many would there be running around the galaxy? There is support in Luke’s case in novelization of Star Wars: “. . . piloting and navigation aren’t hereditary, but a number of things that can combine to make a good small-ship pilot are. Those you may have inherited. Still, even a duck has to be taught to swim.” Of course, if such things are hereditary, one might wonder if that means Han is a Skywalker progeny as well . . . but that’s off the subject.

The Millennium Falcon was made by the Jedi, huh? That’s a cute idea and obliquely supportable. The business of comparing the word “millennium” and the thousand generation dominancy [sic] of Jedi in the Republic never occurred to me before; the response to Solo’s “You mean you’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?” (“Kenobi appeared amused”) did. There’s also Threepio’s complaint in TESB: “I don’t know where your ship learned to communicate, but it has the most peculiar dialect,” which lends certain credence to odd beginnings for the smuggling ship.

One wonders, however, that if the Falcon was just as fast when Lando owned her as she is now, why Han would lie about having modified her. A boast, perhaps, but one that could easily be caught by their mutual cohorts. A friend suggests the notion that, if she were originally of Jedi-construct, it was another manifestation of the Force (perhaps manipulated by Solo himself, unconsciously) that he merely repaired damage done to her by previous owners. In other words, he simply put it back the way it was supposed to be.

I’ve joked since first reading TESB8 that Jabba would prop up the frozen Han in a corner of his office as a warning to any future employees who might consider welching out on debts9. I’ve never considered it more that a joke. I won’t be the least bit surprised if Han and Boba never make it to Tatooine; it would seem a bit too easy, plot-wise, if Chewie and Co. have no trouble in locating their frozen friend.

Also: Where does Mr. Hayes get this “pirate fleet” nonsense from? From all indications, Jabba employed independent pilots to smuggle for him, not a full-fledged fleet. Any pirate in his right mind would be leery of running in too large a pack; there may be safety in numbers, but the bigger the target, the easier it is to find and hit. Not only that: Han may really be a soft touch, an idealist at heart, but I sincerely doubt that many of Jabba’s cohorts are. The notion of them working in and as a formal government seems not only absurd, but highly unlikely . How many criminals can turn over new leaves so suddenly?10

So Luke hasn’t been offered anything he wants by the Dark Side, eh? Bantha droppings! He most certainly has: revenge, a means of getting back at Vader for what he’s done to him, his family, and his friends. “Don’t give in to hate,” Ben warned. He knew, undoubtedly, that the temptation for Luke to use the Force for vengeance would be great. It still is at the end of TESB. He not only has the deaths of his family and Ben to get restitution for, but the torture of his friends and the possible death of one as well. I admit that he may still want Leia11, but he didn’t seem quite as crushed as Mr. Hayes thinks. “He understood what she was feeling . . .” The disappointment is obvious. The sadness is evident. But the key is that he understood. I find this apparent maturity most important since, by his ability to handle this personal loss, Luke displays that he has, indeed, grown and learned. In losing to Vader, he learned to accept failure, and also realized that he cannot allow it to keep him from pursuing his initial goals. That same maturity might also keep him from pressing a potential romance with Leia. I would like to think that Leia is stubborn enough to remain firm in her choice, now that it’s been made; I would also like to think that Luke’s relationship with Han was sufficiently close to keep him from actually interfering with Leia’s freely made choice.12

Besides, if Luke really wanted Leia13, and really wanted her to love him14, mightn’t it be easiest if he just went about convincing her that Han is dead?

Oh, well. It’s all speculation. I’ve heard more pet ideas on the subject than I care to count. Only time and George Lucas will tell; in this I fully agree with Mr. Hayes: Three years is too long.

Notes
1: Revenge of the Jedi was the original name for epis0ode 6 before George Lucas decided that revenge was an unsuitable motivation for a Jedi
2: Jesus Eugenics Development Institute = JEDI, get it?
3: This was an apparently a common rumour but is untrue. “Obi-wan Kenobi” could perhaps be understood as “Sash-woof Sword-Sash” in very bad Japanese.
4: Actually “No disintegrations“, but potato potahto.
5: Spoiler – he’s not
6: Yeah, follow that instinct…
7: The novelisation of Episode IV was originally published as Star Wars: From the Adventures of Luke Skywalker. It was released in 1976, several months before the movie and credited to George Lucas, although it was actually ghost-written by Alan Dean Foster.
8: The novelisation of The Empire Strikes Back by Donald F. Glut was released in 1980, a month or so before the premiere of the film.
9: Oddly prescient there…
10: It would be fascinating to know what Bill Hayes was proposing here. Jabba running a pirate fleet who turn into a government?
11: Pull up! Pull up!
12: Man was that section rough, knowing what we know.
13: Stop it!!
14: I said STOP!!


So there we have it! Obi-wan as a clone of Jesus, Boba Fett collecting Jedi, the Millennium Falcon as a secret Jedi super-ship and more uncomfortable speculation about Luke and Leia than you can poke a banjo at. Fascinating stuff, and a very nice use of colons and semi-colons, the likes of which is rarely seen in this fallen age. May the Force be with you!

Sleep Deprived Updates

Barely survived the first heatwave of summer. Not that it’s technically summer here until the end of the week. Thank you climate change!

The heatwave lead to sleep deprivation which lead to an odd obsession with Mike Batt’s musical version of The Hunting of the Snark. It’s very good but I’ve listened to it far too many times over the last week, to the point that I’m mentally throwing around casting choices and mumbling fragments of verse under my breath. “But at first sight, the crew, were not pleased by the view, which consisted of chasms and crags…”

This caused me to dig out my copy of the poem – purchased on a whim from Elizabeth’s bookstore in Subiaco in its old location out the back of the markets in around 1990 – and discovering that it’s one of only 1,995 collector copies of the Centennial Edition, published in 1981. I hopped online to check out the value and it’s worth about $100 in good nick – not that mine is in particularly good nick, and I wouldn’t consider selling it anyway. But it’s nice to know that it’s somewhat exclusive.

I’ve also become obsessed with building a 40k scale model of the epic Siegfried Light Tank. I’ve scoured the internet for photos (there ain’t many) and have managed to get a design together for every part of it except the back. I rather suspect I may have to buy one on eBay which while not massively expensive is still a bit of an investment for a tiny piece of metal. And for a model that – if history is any judge – I’ll never get finished. Although maybe if I spend money on it it’ll actually motivate me to finish it. Hmmmm. I wouldn’t bet on it.

Oh, and over the weekend when I was supposed to be getting other stuff done I did an update of my Warhammer 40,000 according to the Simpsons bit of nonsense. The current version is revision 4, but I’m already thinking I need to add the Men of Iron, and know exactly what screenshot to use. In any case here ’tis for your edification and enjoyment.

Warhammer 40,000 According to the Simpsons
Need to add those Men of Iron…

Now that things have cooled down, maybe I’ll be able to get some sleep. I wouldn’t count on it mind you…

Zanzibar, Oh Zanzibar!

So there I was, watching Joanna Lumley’s Spice Trail Adventure on free-to-air tv last night like the dinosaur I am while waiting for Annika to come on and reflecting that if they’ve killed Tosh on Shetland (on after Annika) I would be extremely annoyed when this thing appeared on my screen.

That’s no moon Zanzibar!

This – according to ITV – is a map of the east African island of Zanzibar. Now, I had never to my knowledge seen a map of Zanzibar prior to last night, but I was pretty sure it doesn’t look like that. And the reason I’m pretty sure it doesn’t look like that is because that is clearly a map of the much, much larger east African island of Madagascar.

What absolutely baffles me about this is how it could possibly have happened. Someone in the ITV graphics department obviously put time and effort into creating an accurate map of the area around Zanzibar, and then slapped a map of Madagascar into the middle of it. They even took care to not cover up the smaller island of Tumbatu just to the west. It surely can’t be a mistake. Is it some kind of protest? Some kind of prank? And how did it get through to the final product without anyone noticing it?

Just sheer bafflement all around. I’m tempted to shoot them off an email to try and get to the bottom of it. Do better ITV!

Just a Bit of Zurvár

Gur, gur beltàdlet kert ná…
Ròmanár gur pevgetslá koro modá ibiŝan darak pevnánûglá.
Spanolár badmâ pevorklá kâ aknà iskan badrokâ itatâ.
Itlá Dîŝlan idráurn pevorestlá poro admo bárizûurn darakâ.
Garad, gur beltàdlet kert ná.

Gur, gur belt-ayed-let kairt nah.
Roman-ar gur pev-gets-lah, koh-roh moh-dah ibishan darak pev-nan-oo-glah.
Span-olar badmor pevor-klah, kor ack-nay iskan bad-rockor itah-tor.
It-lah Doysh-lan idrah-urn pevor-est-lah, poh-roh ad-moh bah-riz-or-urn dara-kor.
Garad, gur belt-ayad-let kairt nah.

WAR, WAR WILL-CHANGE-ITSELF NO !!
ROMAN-PEOPLE WAR DID-PERFORM TO PLURAL SLAVE MONEY DID-SEIZE.
SPANISH-PEOPLE EMPIRE DID-BUILD BY THEIR DESIRE TREASURE-CONCERNING LAND-CONCERNING.
HITLER GERMANY BROKEN DID-REPAIR CAUSE COUNTRY VERY-POWERFUL MONEY-CONCERNING.
DEPSITE-THIS, WAR WILL-CHANGE-ITSELF NO !!

A Few Notes on Zurvár

Put here so I can find them easily…


Traditional Zurvár belief systems don’t have the concept of an all powerful deity. The closest equivalents would be either pak vâmâkan (‘the creator’ – the ancestor being said to have created the Zurvár race) or pak rèzaq (‘the wave’ – the spiritual plane to which certain components of the Zurvár soul are said to return to await reincarnation).

When discussing deities from non-Zurvár cultures the term báèsûad – ‘being of great power’ – is generally used. The term has no implication as to whether said powers are used for good or ill however, and would be used equally to describe (for instance) the Christian God and the Christian Devil.

When referring to a specific deity, a Zurvár rendering of the deity’s name is usually improvised. Examples from Earth’s religions include,

  • Báèsûad Kot, Báèsûad Cesùs, Báèsûad Gris, Báèsûad Cùhová – The Christian God
  • Báèsûad Alá, Báèsûad Alûá, Báèsûad Máhumd – Allah
  • Báèsûad Ašem, Báèsûad Yáwe, Báèsûad Abráem – The Judaic God
  • Báèsûad Pùdá, Báèsûad Pùd – Buddha
  • Báèsûad Odin, Báèsûad Tâ, Báèsûad Loqè – Norse Gods/MCU Characters

The Zurvár creation myth is based around five elements, and these permeate most factors of their culture, including their traditional calendar. In order they’re lòtò (boats), minak (stars), katálá (fish), rindû (birds) and táká (knots).

The traditional calendar (as opposed to the revised calendar used on Zurvár Arèáná) uses a week (mán) of five days named after these elements (dásûln lòtò, dásûln minak, etc). A month (kadatán) consists of five weeks (25 days), each of which is also named after the five elements, and five months (125 days) – again named after the five elements – makes up a full year (rin).

A date is traditionally written with the full title of the day, week and month, followed by whatever system of year identification the House in question uses. The fourth day of the third week of the fifth month for instance would be dásûln rindû dámán katálá dákadatán táká. Even before the adoption of the revised calendar however it was more common to simply use numbers – for instance sûln tò-rû-zadat “day four three five”.

The combination of the day and month element of a person’s birth is said to predict their character, similarly to that of horoscopes here on Earth.


The calendar used on Zurvár Arèáná has a split derived from the Gregorian BCE/CE system, but in a slightly complicated way.

The Zurvár calendar is based on the calendar used by the Metaphysicians’ Guild, which itself is based on the Gregorian calendar. The epoch however is fixed to the start of the Gregorian century in which Zurvár Arèáná was settled – the 20th – so the zero year of the Zurvár calendar is 1900 CE.

As such the current year on Zurvár Arèáná is ST0123, which breaks down as…

  • ST – Indicates that the Zurvár Arèáná epoch is being used
  • 01 – It’s the second century of said epoch
  • 23 – It’s the 23rd year of that century

Years prior to 1900 CE are indicated with a negative century indicator. 1788 CE for instance would be -ST0288.

The century indicator is written with a minimum of two characters, but can be expanded as necessary for dates in the distant past and distant future.


The Zurvár are humans originating from a nearby parallel Earth (although not even they can pin down their actual world of origin). They’re close enough to ‘standard’ humans to interbreed but have a number of evolutionary adaptations suited to their marine focused culture.

  • Most Zurvár have webbing between their toes and fingers. On the toes this extends almost to the tips, on fingers it rarely extends beyond the first knuckle.
  • Zurvár skin is more resistant to sunburn and is extremely resistant to UV induced cancers. It varies in tone between III and IV on the Fitzpatrick scale, but even the lightest shades almost never burn.
  • Zurvár kidneys process dissolved salts far more efficiently, to the extent that a Zurvár can drink nothing but sea water for around a week before suffering any ill effects (as such, human visitors to Zurvár Arèáná should keep in mind that municipal water supplies may require additional filtration before being safe to consume).
  • The Zurvár spleen is significantly larger than that of ‘standard’ humans, providing a larger reserve of oxygenated blood. This allows the average Zurvár to easily hold their breath for several minutes without discomfort, and remain submerged and active for anywhere up to 15 minutes. With practice Zurvár free divers routinely reach depths of 200 metres while remaining submerged for up to 40 minutes.
  • Around 30% of Zurvár have epicanthic folds. Debate continues over whether this is some kind of adaptation to marine environments or simply the result of genetic drift across the historically nomadic Zurvár population.

Emulating the Ocean Sound

The following bit of sub-par Giant Days fanfiction has been wedged in my brain for several years. I have had vague plans of drawing it, but I suspect it’s not really worth the effort, so I will instead present it here as a script (along with copious apologies to John Allison).

SCENE: Daisy’s room, Catterick Hall, first year. Daisy is studying while music plays from a portable CD player.

Enter Esther and Susan through door (dramatically of course)

Susan: Daisy Wooton, what is this noise?

Esther: Did Enya find a mellotron?

Daisy (picking up and displaying The Mollusk CD case): It’s not Enya, it’s Ween. Ed Gemmel lent it to me.

Esther (while Susan takes and examines CD case): You shouldn’t listen to people weeing Daisy, it’s not healthy for developing young minds!

Susan (looking through CD insert): It appears to concern a grown man talking to a young boy about his ‘mollusc’…

Esther (grabbing CD insert): Is that LEGAL?

Daisy: It’s marine biology! It’s perfectly respectable!

Susan (with barely suppressed glee): It occurs to me that a winkle is a type of mollusc…

Daisy (in horror): Is… Is Ed Gemmel an oceanography pervert!?

Esther (reading CD insert): I’d be concerned if someone’s ‘winkle’ “emulated the ocean sound”. It doesn’t sound biologically plausible.

Susan (finger on chin, in thought): Maybe if they were waiting in an extremely long bathroom queue…

FINIS

Is this even legal?!

I Can Quit Any Time I like!

For my own reference I shall now attempt to list every unfinished 40k model and/or project I have lying around. Hopefully this will motivate me to get some of them finished, or at least stop me from starting any more.

(Ha!)

Tanks and APCs
1x Kitbashed Church Tank
1x Scratchbuilt A7V Tank
1x Kragmeer Ice Chimera
1x Malcador Defender
4x Chimeras
1x Leman Russ
1x Baneblade
1x Buran Class Chimera
2x Scylla Light Tanks
Imperial Guard Bastiladon with 3 Crew

Aircraft
Avenger Strike Fighter
Valkyrie

Infantry
Kitbashed Valhallan Colonel
Giant Ogryn with Ratling sniper in a crows nest
9x Penal Troopers and 1x Overseer
Kill Team Veteran Guardsmen Box
23x Kitbashed Conscripts
Commissar
Cadian Standard Bearer
Valhallan Standard Bearer
3x Psykers
1x Primaris Psyker
8x Ratling Snipers
3x Assorted Inquisitors
Vindicare Assassin (Metal)
Calidus Assassin (Metal)
Culexus Assassin (Metal)
Eversor Assassin (Metal)
Venenum Assassin (Kitbashed)
11x Kitbashed Veterans
3x Tankers (Metal)
2x Astropaths
1x Tech Priest
5x Weapon Servitors
2x Cawdor Gangers (Metal)
1x Crusader
2x Valhallan Officers
2x Ministorum Priests
62 Assorted Metal Valhallans
3x Medics
2x Ogryn Cyborgs
2x Imperial Soldiers (Metal)
2x Death Cult Assassins
1x Metal Sister Dialogus 😮
3x Acolytes
1x Daemonhost
2x Fleet Officers
2x Artillery Officers
1x Knight Pilot
10x Orlocks
Various Cadians
Valhallan Artillery Crew (inc. Ammunition Bear)
1x Space Marine (Just the One!)
Various Kitbashed Squats
Several Forge World Death Korps of Krieg
10x Naval Breachers

Artillery and Special Weapons
Imperial Thud Gun
Valhallan Heavy Mortar Team
2x Basilisk
1x Deathstrike/Manticore
1x Hellhound
2x Valhallan Bolter Teams
3x Valhallan Autocannon Teams
2x Valhallan Lascannon Teams
3x Valhallan Missile Launcher Teams
2x Valhallan Mortar Teams
Various Unspecified Valhallan Weapon Teams

Kitbashed Inquisitor and Retinue
Ordo Malleus Inquisitor Andreus Eldrict
Astra Militarum Medic Dr Jeep
Death Cult Assassin Lucretia
Adeptus Mechanicus Pilot 2-5-0-0-0
Weapon Servitor Doktor Avalanche
Crusader Brother Torquemada
Bound Psyker “Alice” (AKA The Vision Thing)
Cyber-Mastiff Napalm
Cherubim Servitor Icke
Navigator Marianne Cedd
Savant Aegypt Hwaite
Inquisitorial Shuttle Soror Misericordum

Special Characters
Knight Commander Pask
Saint Sabbat (Kitbashed)
Inquisitor Eisenhorn
Sly Marbo (Official)
Sly Marbo (Kitbashed)
Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clouseau (Kitbashed)
Commissar Severina Raine
Sister Superior Amalia Novena
5x Gaunt’s Ghosts (Plastic)
6x Gaunt’s Ghosts (Metal)
Vermin Supreme
Junith Erutia (on foot)
Space Marine Pilot
2x Last Chancers (Metal)

Xenos
1x Necron Pariah
1x Sslyth
2x Phyrr Cats
2x Phelynx
2x Ripper Swarms
1x Medusea
1x Genestealer
1x Grox
10x Kroot
2x Kroot Hounds
1x Kroot Hawk

Epic Models
Warlord Titan
Emperor Titan
Overlord Airship
Goliath Mega Cannon
Leviathan
Mole
Mole Carrier
Capitol Imperialis

Others
16x Metal Seraphim
1x Imperial Knight
4x Sentinels
Bear Cavalry (BEAR CAVALRY!)
Kitbashed Walker/Stomper
1x Man of Iron
5x Servo Skulls
1x Giant Servo Skull
1x GheistSkull
1x C.A.T Unit
Kitbashed Squat Trike
Entire Space Hulk set
Metal Chaos Dwarf

Close Bitnami banner
Bitnami