Creative Writing – Page 3

The Battle of the Tamesis Ford

The Battle of the Tamesis Ford
Author: Gareth C. Worth
First published May 2017 in Volume 12, Issue 6 of ‘Roman Transactions’

The ‘Tamesis Ford Letter’ was discovered among the notes of the late Professor Arthur J. Cline of the College of Archaeology and Ancient History at the University of Leicester following his death at the age of 77 in 1998. Although undated, context places it between 1947 and 1953 when Professor Cline undertook several research trips to Orthodox monasteries in Turkey and Romania.

Professor Cline’s notebooks from this period contain numerous hand written copies of historical documents presumably located in monastery libraries. Few however are annotated with dates or locations, making determination of their origins virtually impossible. A number were referenced with full details in the Professor’s published work suggesting that he maintained some form of index, but searches of his papers have failed to uncover any such document.

The text, located in notebook seven of the Cline archive, exists in two forms, a classical Latin original and Professor Cline’s English translation. The Latin contains several lacunae speculatively filled in the English version. Both versions end suddenly suggesting that the original document was similarly truncated, or that Professor Cline was interrupted in his transcription.

The letter purports to be an eyewitness account of the battle between the forces of British Chief Cassivellaunus and Julius Caesar at a ford on the river Thames during the latter’s second invasion of Britain in 54 BCE. We have Caesar’s own, typically terse, account of this battle in book five of his Commentarii de Bello Gallico, but the letter – while consistent with the Commentarii – includes far more detail, even featuring the war elephant otherwise first mentioned in works from the 2nd century CE. The Latin is typical for an educated Roman of the period, suggesting that the author (one Titus Magius) may have been an officer. No mention of him in other documents has been found, however this is hardly unexpected given the fragmentary nature of surviving records from the period.

If genuine, the letter is a remarkable and important new source of information on Caesar’s campaigns, and it is curious that Professor Cline never shared it with other researchers. It seems likely that the more unusual features of the account – including the use of quicksilver and a mysterious spear bought from the Temple of Saturn – led him to doubt its authenticity. It also cannot be ruled out that the letter is a work of fiction composed by the Professor himself, although it would be inappropriate to speculate for what purpose such a work would be intended.

Research on the origin of the letter continues. Even if the truth of the matter remains unresolved it is an intriguing document that raises questions about the accuracy of Caesar’s accounts of his campaigns, and the social structures and methods of warfare employed by the Britons of the first century BCE.

The Tamesis Ford Letter as translated from the Latin by Professor Arthur J. Cline c.1950

Letter to Lucius Magius Petronax in Rome from his brother Titus Magius in Britiania, a.d. XI Kal. Oct. DCC A.U.C. (19th September 54 BC)

Good health to you my brother. Be assured that your news was received with great joy by myself and my comrades and much wine has been consumed [to your honour]. You ask for an account of our assault on the ford and I am pleased to supply one thus.

We came upon the river called Tamesis from the south, the ford lying where its course turns from the north towards the west, the width being beyond the shot of a sling. The forces of the Britons with many horses and chariots were assembled on the far bank and saluted our [arrival] with a great tumult of taunting calls and many blasts upon bronze trumpets the sound of which was most discordant. Our enemy had placed many sharpened stakes beneath the waters of the ford but forewarned by the prisoners captured during our advance we did not charge the waters.

Caesar commanded forward two Centuria of the [second?] Legion and cavalry to shield them and they entered the waters until only their heads stood free, the waters of the ford being deep. At this came forth from the Britons a tall warrior clad in robes and breeches of fine patterned cloth and bearing a heavy ring of gold around his neck in the manner of the Gauls. He bore a shield of polished bronze set with red glass and a tall spear, and his clothes and arms with much gold were adorned. The Britons paid him much obeisance and many fell to the ground [at his feet]. The warrior strode forth and raised his spear over the waters and the river leapt upwards, rising as in spate, and [some] men of the Legion were washed from their feet and drowned.

I admit with shame that at the sight of this my heart quailed, as did that of many of my comrades who stepped back, [crying out in] agitation. Caesar commanded us to stand firm and sent forward the elephant named Magnus with archers upon its back and as it entered [the river] they emptied great vessels of Hispanian quicksilver and ordure into the waters. At the sight of this the Britons let forth a great cry of woe and the warrior cried out in a rage and ran into the river, and as his feet entered the waters they rose up in confusion as if struck by a storm, and several score Britons followed in his train.

Caesar ordered [the Centuria] from the ford and sent his personal guard to meet the Britons, and among them was borne a great spear of cold-forged iron, fully tall as a man and bound to a greenwood haft. It was said by many that this spear was bought across the sea from Rome at Caesar’s instruction and said some that it had first come from Dacia to the Temple of Saturn in the time of Aulus Postumius and any that touched [its metal?] would fall [to the ground] as if struck dead. The guard stood ready at the ford and met the charge of the warrior who in his fury outstripped his fellows, seeming as in flight to run across the water.

In a great rage the warrior cut down four men, but erelong was surrounded and disarmed by the press of the guards who swiftly pierced him with the great spear and dragged him up the bank. At this sight the Britons cried out and fell into a great confusion with many entering the ford but twice their number taking to their chariots [and fleeing].

Caesar ordered us forwards to meet the Britons and his guards fell upon the warrior, fixing his flesh to the ground with hastae of [cold-forged] iron. The strength of the warrior was indeed great for despite these grievous wounds he swooned not, loosing cries of agony with each piercing. Caesar himself then approached the warrior, drawing his sword and shouting much encouragement [to the men at] the ford. Then he struck with a single blow the warrior’s head [from his neck] and taking it by the hair held it aloft crying out “Thus for my boats!”.

The Britons, their champion slain, let forth a great and despairing groan and made to flee [back across the ford]. Many score fell to our slings and we swept forward calling upon the Salian Mars to destroy [our foes?]

With Apologies to Leon Payne…

Can you fry me up some slab, Mamma?
‘Cause I’m as hungry as can be
Life in this hive is just so drab, Mamma
You know that everyone hates me

Like the Gangers with their hair, Mamma
Down by the manufactory arch
There was some lightning from the air, Mamma
And now they’re turning them to starch

Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
The warp into my mind it drips
Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
They’re gonna take me to the ships

You won’t believe the things I’ve seen, Mamma
When I lay me down to rest
I’ve been having crazy dreams, Mamma
About this lady named ‘Slaanesh’

She has all these wild plans, Mamma
And they all seem really great
But I just don’t understand, Mama
Why she keeps calling me ‘The Gate’?

Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
You think I’m gonna lose control
Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
They’ll put those bindings on my soul

You know the Temple by the shore, Mamma?
Well I was feeling kind of lost
So I walked in through the door, Mamma
But everything got rimed with frost

An Ecclesiarchy Clerk, Mamma
Offered me the Emperor’s Grace
Well I kind of went berserk, Mamma
And somehow melted off his face

Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
Please Mamma hide me here at home
Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
Don’t let them feed me to the Throne

Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
The Inquisition’s drawing near
Think I’m a Psyker, don’t you Mamma?
But Mamma…
Didn’t you die last year?

(And some versions of the original, in case you’re not familiar…)

The Skereig Subsector

This post is part of the Skereig Subsector project

Click to Enlarge. It’s really big and impressive!

Overview

The Skereig Subsector is located in the Chiros Sector on the western side of the Segmentum Tempestus, close to the border of the Segmentum Pacificus, around 22,500 light years from Holy Terra. It has remained loyal to the Emperor for several thousand years, despite occasional isolation by warp storms and Xenos incursions.

The subsector extends for 15 light years around the Skereig system, although the furthest inhabited world is just over 8 light years from the capital. There are numerous uninhabited worlds further out, some of which are scheduled for colonisation over the next few centuries.

As of 991.M41 the subsector is dealing with the aftermath of an invasion by the Orks of Waaagh! Krumpfist, who attacked from the galactic south-west in 923.M41. Invasions of several systems – including Cnossath and St Cuthbert’s Slumber were repelled, but two systems remain under Ork control. The Subsystem Governor has been appealing to Imperial authorities for support in retaking these systems for over 7 decades, particularly the agriworld of Feargal, the loss of which has caused food shortages across the subsector.

Saints

The two most popular Saints in the Skereig Subsector are Saint Guinefort and Saint Beinagrind.

Saint Guinefort was the pet canid of High Ecclesiarch Zosimus CXXXVII of the Orphean Conclave. During an official visit to the Basilica of Saint Hermon on Skereig Prime in 885.M39 the Ecclesiarch was informed that he could not bring the animal inside. He reacted to this by immediately canonising the creature. Unable to bar entry to a confirmed Imperial Saint the door wardens reluctantly acquiesced and the canid accompanied the Ecclesiarch to all religious services for the duration of his stay in the subsector.

The general unpopularity of the Ecclesiarch – who was notable for his more worldly appetites – appears to have encouraged adulation of his saintly canid instead, although it is certainly possible that such worship was initially tongue in cheek, only transitioning to a genuine cult in later centuries.

Saint Guinefort is invoked as a protector of children and a defender of the Emperor’s realm against Xenos infiltration. He is typically depicted as a noble hunting hound with yellow or golden fur. This is despite accounts from the period describing the animal as resembling a stumpy-legged, overstuffed sausage with thinning fur and a jowly, scowling face.

Saint Beinagrind, also know as the Holy Skeleton or Saint Bones is said to have been martyred on Ragnar’s World some time in M36. During a time of religious schism he remained true to the Imperial Creed and was executed by having his flesh scraped from his bones with sharpened scallop shells. Afterwards his bare skeleton arose and took holy vengeance by killing his persecutors. Attempts to correlate the legend with historical records have failed, nonetheless the Holy Skeleton remains popular on all worlds in the subsector, invoked against heresy and loss of faith.

Saint Beinagrind is typically depicted as a human skeleton bearing a scallop shell in its left hand and a fishing harpoon in its right – this being the tool he is said to have used to slay his murderers.

Notable Worlds

Cnossath: Cnossath is a Knight World allied to the Adeptus Mechanicus Forgeworld of Volund 27. It is home to three Knight Houses, Ventris, Cashel and Krater and with the assistance of the Valhallan 294th “Toecutters” Astra Militarum Regiment repelled the Orks of Waaagh! Krumpfist in 925.M41. More on Cnossath…

Dullrock 431: Apparently named by an extremely bored Explorator this lifeless body was later found to be rich in numerous rare minerals, with mining colonies established in the early 300s.M41. The highly corrosive atmosphere requires all colonies to be heavily shielded, with the majority of facilities placed deep underground adjacent to the ore deposits. Some Ork landings were reported in the 920s.M41, but the hostile conditions appear to have made short work of the would-be invaders.

Feargal: A highly fertile agriworld, Feargal supplied much of the subsector’s grain before being occupied by the Orks of Waaagh! Krumpfist in 923.M41. An expedition to reclaim the world has been waiting for Astra Militarum support for close on 75 years.

Gruts: An agriworld famous for a variety of wild truffle traditionally prepared by frying in butter. Several forested areas of the planet have been left undeveloped solely for the production of these rare delicacies.

La Salle: An arid, sun-blasted, desert world, La Salle is rich in rare mineral salts which are extracted by convicted criminals from across the subsector. Being condemned to the salt mines of La Salle is as good as a death sentence for all but the strongest convicts, with very few surviving the 20 years of servitude required for a preliminary parole hearing.

Mandrenke: The ocean world of Mandrenke teems with life, almost all of it inimical to humanity.

Ragnar’s World: An ocean world chiefly notable for the subsector’s main Naval facility, the orbital shipyards of Port Ragnar. It is also the reputed site of the martyrdom of Saint Beinagrind and many pilgrims make the journey to worship at the Grand Basilica on the island of Saint Skeleton, or the smaller, rival, Shrine of Bones on Beinagrind’s Strand.

Ravenser: The subsector’s only significant hive world, Ravenser has six major hive cities and around four-dozen smaller dependent hive conglomerations with a total estimated population of around 120 billion. The majority of the subsector’s manufactured goods are produced on Ravenser with raw materials sourced from the system’s three massive asteroid belts.

Keeping the population of Ravenser fed has always presented a challenge, but has been particularly problematic since the occupation of agriworld Feargal by the Orks in 923.M41. Food related riots and uprisings have become a permanent feature of the planet with three entire regiments of Skereig Varyags seconded to the planetary Arbites to enforce the peace.

San Guinefort: Named after the Saintly Hound, San Guinefort is home to the Battle Sisters of the Order of the Argent Veil – a minor order believed to have split off from the Order of the Sacred Rose in the early M40s.

St Cuthbert’s Slumber: An unremarkable agriworld, St Cuthbert’s Slumber was invaded by the Orks of Waaagh! Krumpfist in 924.M41. The attackers were successfully confined to the northern continent, but the Xenos scourge was not completely eliminated until 932.M41. Advice on proper cleansing of contaminated areas from Valhallan units in the relief force has kept feral Ork outbreaks to a minimum.

Werinos: Werinos is a mostly oceanic world with highly acidic oceans. The major native form of life are gigantic bacterial colonies established around deep geothermal vents and extending into the planetary crust. These colonies produce massive amounts of volatile gas which diffuses into the oceanic water column, from which it is extracted by thousands of floating platforms and piped to refineries on the single, middle sized continent on the planet’s equator for conversion into promethium. Promethium exports from Werinos provide upwards of 80% of the subsector’s fuel requirements.

Much technology on Werinos and on the nearby Forgeworld of Volund 27 has been adapted to use the gas in its raw form, with both planets’ manufactoria greatly skilled in the production of highly efficient gas turbines. The experimental Werinos Pattern Gatling Cannon uses two such miniature turbines for power, providing the same rate of fire as a standard Punisher Cannon with a simpler mechanism and fewer moving parts. Deployment of Werinos Pattern cannons on the battlefield is currently limited by the difficulty of keeping them supplied with gas – they are common on both Werinos and Volund 27, but are rare elsewhere.

On the Diplodocus

Pagan Dinosaurs of the Cretaceous Period

The diplodocus has long been known as the most religious of all the dinosaur groups. While it was long known as an atheist, its scientific name means “to see,” and is derived from a Greek word meaning “to discern,” a reference to the way the fossilised bones in its skull appear to pick up light from a nearby star as it glides across the sky. It’s even speculated that this ability helped it survive the extinction event that wiped out many dinosaurs and ultimately ushered in the modern era of the dinosaur world. There are some, however, who argue that Diplodocus was an especially devout member of the religious group as it was the only dinosaur to be a complete member of the group from birth, rather than being merely a juvenile that was left to its own devices. This would explain why the animal had so many other “religious” characteristics, including the unique habit of sitting on a rock and holding its tongue out, which was also believed to be the means by which it communed with its divine creator, the Great Architect of the Universe.

The fierce atheism of the triceratops is not surprising, as the species’ thick skull and neck are covered with thick, bony plates. Some experts have speculated that the thick plate might have allowed the triceratops to hold its breath during deep dives, but this remains unproven. Another theory, based on a study by Dr. Jonathan Caulkins, suggests that the thick plates may have helped the animal with its ability to move its heavy body around by stretching the neck, which was so large that it could extend up to 30 feet during the breeding season. This could have allowed the triceratops to reach heights of up to 35 feet in flight.

Among other flying dinosaurs are the plesiosaur, the pterodactyl, the saber-tooth cat and, surprisingly, the ornithomimid, which was discovered in North America by a team of researchers led by paleontologist Michael S. Currie. Religious motivations, as one would expect, are not confined to this group either. In fact, the oldest of these ancient flying reptiles are known to have been some 300 million years older than the last dinosaur to be discovered.

The Vatican has been the site of considerable controversy over the age of the world’s first flying reptile, which some claim was an adult tyrannosaurus rex, which would have been about 160 feet long and 10 feet tall, and that is now thought to have been a member of the family of plesiosaurs, of which only one species remains.

The opinions of St Paul concerning ‘Thunder Lizards’ are also cited in the ‘Acts of Peter,’ a work of the ninth century by St. Ignatius, who quotes from the same writings of St. Paul (see below). The first dinosaur-like animal known to exist is known as ‘Pyrghisaurus lindermanensis’ and is described by St. Basil as being about 5 to 10 feet long and 2 feet wide, and weighing 100 to 120 pounds, with the skull being a bit like that of a horse. This species was described by St. Clement of Alexandria in his book ‘On the Genesis of the Creation’, written in the second century, when the first dinosaurs were thought to have lived.

Whatever the case, we can rest assured that religious dinosaurs like these are a thing of the past.

We Didn’t Start the Cryptids…

Sea monk, Dobhar-chú,
Globster, Loup Garou,
Goatman, Grassman,
Beast of Gévaudan,

Morag, Wampus Cat,
Nandi-Bear and Spring Heeled Jack,
Momo, Gambo,
Mantis-Headed Man,

Kongamato, Tatzelwurm,
Grootslang, Lambton Worm,
Mothman, Trunko,
Thylacine and Shōjō,

Hodag, Hoop snake,
Creatures in Tianchi Lake,
Lizard Man of Scape Ore Bog,
Jackalope and Loveland Frog,

Welcome to the Kastrup Fortet Museum

Now the Wyrmlog is up and running again I thought I’d post my contribution to last year’s Advent Calendar on the SSSS Fan Forum.

If you’re not familiar with Stand Still, Stay Silent it won’t make much sense, but on the plus side, you can go off now and read Stand Still, Stay Silent! I’ll see you when you get back…

Back? Good. Enjoy!

(Oh, and there are spoilers, naturally…)

If you found all that enjoyable you might like these printable Kitty Cutouts. Put them on your fridge! Confuse your friends and neighbours!

A few things to note…

The Museum has a certain viewpoint about the expedition. Attempting to correct this would probably not go very well.
Mikkel is almost certainly to blame for much of said viewpoint.
Mikkel and Reynir’s accounts of the expedition differ on a number of important points, occasionally wildly…
But since Mikkel’s version is the popular mass market one, and Reynir’s is the more academic and historical one very few people have read both and actually noticed.
The museum director is Ida Södersrtöm. Why does that name seem familiar?
Sigrun (now 68 years old) knows that the Museum is kinda inaccurate, but as long as they pay her she’s happy to come and tell stories about how awesome she is!
Reynir did indeed name his (second) daughter after Tuuri.
The author of the brochure definitely has a crush on Tuuri.
That is not the Eiffel Tower.
Bikupan Press eh? I wonder what that’s about?

If you want more of this kind of thing, check out my page on Archive of Our Own.

Oh, and the idea of a museum at the Kastrup fort with Kitty as a mascot and children’s guide had already been brewing in my head for a while before I stumbled over this in a museum in Italy. Sometimes life is just as strange as fiction…

Your museum guide is an orange kitten… hmmm….

With Apologies to G. K. Chesterton and the Entire Nation of Finland

…I saw great Lalli riding,
The axeman of the lake,
And his eyes were red with vengeance,
And with Bishop’s heads to take,
And south to Turku and the sea,
The lights leapt up for liberty,
The foes of Christianity,
The hammer of the friars…

With apologies to Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan…

On dense and rich worlds near the galaxy’s core,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

Dwelt short, bearded bikers forever at war,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

And though all these bikers were terribly small,
A tyranid hive fleet devoured them all,
So if you want some Squats, then you’ll get bugger all,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The tale of the Bloodtide is one you should know,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The brave Battle Sisters held out ‘gainst the foe,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The Grey Knights raced up as fast as they could run,
But they wanted some blood, so they slaughtered the nuns,
And Khorne thought the whole thing was terribly fun,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The Ultramarines you could never besiege,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

Their brave Chapter Master’s your spiritual liege,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

He’s Marneus Calgar, and he’ll never rest,
Of all Chapter Masters he’s clearly the best,
But why does the dude have a dinosaur desk?
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

Important Advice for Humans

What has the world forgotten?

James Ensor, Belgium’s famous painter.

What’s worse than a cockroach landing on your face?

Awaking one morning from uneasy dreams to find yourself transformed in your bed into a gigantic insect.

What song haunts you?

“Love Will Conquer All” by Lionel Richie has been lurking in my basement rattling a length of chain and making strange moaning sounds since spring of 1997.

Who is the real life ‘Frank Underwood’ in your country?

No politician in my country is even half as intelligent as Frank Underwood.

There are three rabbits in a cage. Three girls ask to be given a rabbit and each recieve one. Yet there is still one rabbit in the cage. How?

Rabbits breed really fast.

What happened to Quiznos?

They sold their souls to the Spong Monkeys and never recovered.

What’s the correct way to pronounce “Benedict Cumberbatch”?

“Peng-wing”

You are in charge of lodging and boarding in the afterlife. Who would you bunk together in the same room?

Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, Kim il Sung and Chairman Mao would have to share one small room with three sets of bunk beds. It would also have the afterlife equivalent of webcams so everyone can enjoy the ensuing hi-jinks.

Which is the best planned crime in history?

The one no one knows about.

Flat earthers and Alien conspiracy theorists get into a fist fight at the bar. Who wins?

The rest of us.

If you had a giraffe that you needed to hide, where would you hide it?

Among many other giraffes

What makes a salad a salad?

Their relationship with Ssendam and Ygorl.

What do you think about Dubai city?

The modern Babylon. An unsustainable fever dream floating on a sea of oil. When the oil runs dry, Dubai will fall back into the desert, becoming a haunt of jackals and an abode of owls.

How much would it cost to go to the moon and smoke up?

Depends whether you want to come back or not.

How do you eat a creme egg?

Not at all. They are gross.

Aspiring Cult leaders, what is your sales pitch to get me to drink your Flavor-aid?

In my cult you get genuine Kool-aid!

What is the happiest thing you’ve ever seen at a wedding?

I went to a wedding at a Llama farm. The Llamas seemed pretty content.

Every day a former United States President starting with George Washington tries to kill you. What is your survival strategy?

Resurrect John Wilkes Booth!

Why is the earth a circle?

It’s an oblate spheroid you cretin!

When does 1 + 1 not equal 2?

For sufficiently small values of 1.

You win two metric tons of shrimp. What do you do?

SHRIMP!
HEAVEN!
NOW!

Would you accept the whole world going metric if the whole world drove on the right side of the road in return?

But if we have to drive on the right, how am I to strike oncoming motorists with my cane?

What’s the most evil thing you’ve done for a laugh?

I shot a man in Reno just to laugh at him while he died.

If you were to be an insect, what insect would you want to be?

A Lord Howe Island Land Lobster.

Why is Donkey Kong called Donkey Kong?

Because “Ass Kong” wouldn’t be acceptable in the American market.

Have you been to the Dark Web? What did you see?

It’s wild man! There’s this dog which does circus tricks, and a trained gorilla, and all of Donald Trump’s emails and you can sit and read them all you want and there’s this guy who comes around with a drinks cart and he’ll make you the best Long Island Ice Tea you’ve ever had! I’m going back on Thursday!

Why is the murder of people aged 10 ten to 35 that believe walking sticks are an acceptable fashion accessory illegal?

Because roughly one in five cane wielders are secretly experts in the martial art of Bartitsu, and the death toll among those trying to (however justifiably) murder them was completely unsustainable.

What’s the weirdest food you’ve seen someone bring to work or school?

This guy bought in a slice of meat placed between two slices of bread, smeared with some kind of grease, which he called a “Sand-Witch”. He’s clearly insane!

If you and your crush go to different schools but text a lot, what does it mean?

It means that they are an avatar of the dreaded snake god Yig and are planning to sacrifice you to their million children at the next equinox!

You are granted the right to make a single rule change to ONE sport of your choosing. Which sport do you choose, what rule do you implement?

Baseball. When a batter strikes out they must bow (from the waist) to the catcher and loudly exclaim “THANK YOU FOR MY LESSON NOBLE GRANDFATHER!”

If you were given one thousand acres of land that you didn’t need to pay taxes on but couldn’t sell, what would you do with it?

Build a worm store.

If you were stuck in the world of Candyland with Kim Jong Un and Rihanna, and the objective to ascend is to slurp, how would?

I don’t understand a word you just said.

People in the UK, anyone know what that big ball of light outside is?

It’s just the Orfordness Lighthouse!

What’s the worst name for a baby?

Osama von Hitlerstalin

People who have spent time in a psych ward, what was your experience?

It’s all you can eat prescription drugs like Thorazine, and Lithium, and electroshock treatments with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and life is beautiful all the time, and you’re happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats!

Aliens are just a cover story – what’s the real horrifying truth about Area 51?

It’s where they keep the things recovered from the vaults under Wewelsburg castle at the end of World War II.

What annoying habbits do you have that drive people crazy ?

Well, Frodo keeps pulling these really stupid practical jokes on everyone and… oh, sorry, I misread…

Who is actually unironically excited for the live action Sonic movie?

Nobody?

If Shrek was real, where on Earth would he live?

The Pinsk Marshes of Eastern Europe. The talking donkey is obviously down to contamination from Chernobyl.

What Teletubby are you?

Gulp-Gulp, the one who was exiled from Teletubbyland for continually screening hardcore vore.

How do you pronounce scone?

“Doge”

The Devil has come to town, and will give you everything you dream of if you defeat three mythological creatures – a dragon, Medusa and the Minotaur – using only one object. Failure means death. What object do you choose?

I’d choose a copy of Das Kapital, convert them to Communism and make them rise up against the bourgeoisie.

What’s the best type of cheese?

Cheese made from the milk of the mates of the goats that pull Thor’s chariot!

What are some stereotypes of the people who live in Wisconsin?

They’re all named Jon Jonson and work at a lumber mill.

If you could visit any one person through out history, in the future or past, who would you choose?

Martin Luther. I’d paint my face red and jump out of a bush at him, sounding an air horn and yelling “BLALALALALALALA!!!! I AM THE DEVIL!!!!”

You have the power to change colour of anything in the universe. What change would you make?

All cows are now offensively fluorescent pink!

When a website says it uses cookies, what exactly does that mean?

It means a girl scout is watching everything you do on it.

What’s a really funny Spoonerism?

A toast to the queer old Dean!

What comes to mind when you hear “Singapore”?

Humidity and a government that borders on Fascism.

How hasn’t AOL gone out of business?

They continue to reap huge profits by recycling the plastic from their warehouses full of free trial CDs. Current estimates say the supply will run dry in mid June 2064, so sell your AOL shares before then!

What culture is the best?

Subba Culture!

You have to escape the FBI, where will you hide?

The J. Edgar Hoover building. They’d never expect to find me right under their noses!

How will you get inside?

I’ll pretend to be a pizza delivery guy, then I’d hide out in the drywall.

What do you think Alien feces would look like?

What do you think they’ve been putting in McDonalds apple pies for years?

What are some important developments a civilisation must achieve to be considered advanced ?

The Fruit Corner Yogurt Packet.

What does fart power do?

Propel Chinese philosophers across lakes.

What’s the best way to get white teeth after years of neglecting them ?

Follow someone with nice teeth into an alley and repeatedly punch them in the mouth.

What do you usually carry in your glovebox?

The Jade Monkey

Time travel becomes common: what new sports are now possible?

Dinosaur rodeo!

What is the least appropriate time to do finger quotes?

I swear to tell “the truth” and nothing but “the truth”, so help me “god”…

Based on conversations you’ve had or overheard, what are some major plot points of a TV show you’ve never watched?

There is a nerd, and possibly some other nerds, and the first nerd likes to say “bazinga” for presumably nerdy reasons.

A human with integrated prosthetic limbs or organs is called a cyborg. What is a human called that has no natural organic matter left and is fully converted from the top of the head to bottom of toes?

A Senior Magos of the Adeptus Mechanicus.

When someone goes to bed, doesn’t that mean that they, like, die for a couple of hours?

I think you might be doing sleeping wrong…

What happens to dead grizzly bears?

A team of black bear funeral directors take care of all the details to spare their relatives.

What’s the perfect fast food order?

Extra Surly Chicken with a side of Lung Puppies.

If by killing others you increased your health and lifespan, what changes do you think there would be to the world as we know it?

There would be no need for orphanages.

Who would get to kill the orphans?

Why, the rich of course!

What is the most likely diagnosis for the Sheldon Cooper character on The Big Bang Theory?

Terrible writing.

You can remove up to a total of one minute of footage from any movie in order to make it as confusing as possible, what do you remove from which movie?

Star Wars: A New Hope. I’d remove Luke making the shot and blowing up the Death Star, so there’s just an inconclusive space battle, then everyone goes home and gets medals.

What’s your least favorite state in the US?

Idaho. It knows what it did!

The Nazis are back, how does the public react?

Vote for them, apparently.

What’s the weirdest rumour that you have heard?

That there’s a temple in Pakistan where they crush the pituitary gland of orphaned babies so they grow up as mentally impaired ‘rat children’ who can raise money for the temple by begging.

How can someone watch The Big Bang theory online?

I’m still wondering how anyone can watch the Big Bang Theory full stop.

To where do the doves flock?

To the Hobby Shop where they do buy flock.

What do you think of Momo?

Back in my day Momo was the Missouri Monster and that’s the way we liked it!

What do you think of The Process Church of the Final Judgment?

The Church Universal and Triumphant have better tunes.

What is the proper etiquette when you have diarrhea and you go into a stall but someone is already in the stall next to you?

Shout “AT HIS INFERNAL MAJESTY’S REQUEST!!” then let fly.

What’s a Pokémon design that hasn’t been made yet that you would love to see in a new game?

It starts as Glenn Beck, evolves into Alan Jones, then explodes.

How old should you be to drink Kombucha?

Sixty-five. At that point you’ve lived a decently long life so it won’t matter if the local Hippy’s festering clump of fermenting bacteria has been contaminated with salmonella.

How many times should you say “Chugga” before you finish it off with “Choo Choo?”

Ten times. No more, no less!

People who have eyes looking two directions, can they actually see two angels or do they have normal vision?

Yes, but only Nathaniel and Azoriel and they’re pretty crappy Angels.

You were just elected President of the United States. What’s the first policy you’re going to enact?

Puerto Rico is now a state, but to save on flag money Mississippi is now part of Cuba.

You can dispense any two liquids from each of your two index fingers for the rest of your life with no limitation. What two do you choose, and why?

That vodka with gold flakes in it – so I can filter out the gold and be rich – and squid ink – so I can Zoidberg out of any awkward situations.

Why not just liquid gold?

Sometimes a man likes to get drunk.

What’s the worst thing to see in the woods alone?

Every bear that ever there was.

What do you imagine life on the International Space Station would be like if they all had a pet cat?

Messy and short.

If you were to insult someone, but couldn’t use any cuss words, what would you say?

“You, sir, are a pathetic excuse for a Hotel Manager!”

If you could have one extra body part (that fully functions), what would it be and why?

An extra heart would be great not just as a backup, but also for Dr Who cosplay!

If you were the Roman Emperor and the Empire was at the brink of collapse, what would you do?

Poison my mother, sleep with my sister and marry my horse!

Who killed Gambino boss Frank Cali?

Personally I suspect that a Gambado killed the Gambino.

Where did the pineapple come from?

When a pine tree and a bromeliad love each other very much…

Who is tracking the FBI?

The Coast Guard?

Why is propane stored above ground, while petrol and diesel are stored underground?

Storing propane underground just attracts molemen.

What did we build this city on?

Proletarian Toy-oy-oy-oilll!

What would happen if you hid in Disneyland overnight?

You would not survive. At night the staff retreat into the tunnels, seal the doors and let the real Mickey Mouse out.

What are your thoughts on A.I. ?

Abominable Intelligence is an affront to the Omnissiah! I declare you a Heretek! Report for servitor conversion at once!

Who discovered gene cascades?

Doctor Gene Cascade. They named them after him.

What are your morals and alignment?

Chaotic-Depressed

Teef is a showerthought. Try figure it out but no sense bent made. Explain it to me dear?

Put down the bong and go to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.

What would be nearly impossible to accomplish with no light at all?

Painting a picture of a lovely horse

What do you wish for when you see a shooting star?

To get with child a mandrake root

What’s something your opposing political party doesn’t understand about you?

I will vote for policies based on science and basic human decency.

What would you be doing right now if you had the power to go invisible?

Running around inside the Whitehouse with an air horn.

What does playing basketball have to do with being tall?

Thomas Jefferson had it written into the Bill of Rights that “only those of six feete tall or more” would be allowed to “partake of the game of Ball-in-the-Baskete at the professional levell”. The rest of the founding fathers had had a big night and by the time they sobered up and actually read Jefferson’s submission it was too late to remove it.

What would you do if you were a vampire?

Invest in term deposits.

Where’s Lola when you need her?

In a club down in North Soho.

What do you call people who hate the imperial system but prefer expressing their height in feet and inches?

Australian

Cats are assholes, what’s yours done?

My cat, or my asshole?

It’s 3am, what are you crying over this time?

The existence of Matchbox Twenty

Do you have any advice for someone going on the dark web for the first time?

Don’t take any wooden bitcoins

What is the worst part about having a penis?

I’d say it’s awfully nice to have a penis!

What are the legal issues of setting up a small bear trap in your vehicle?

Depends on the local population of small bears.

Which book has the worst movie adaptation?

There was this TV movie called ‘A Wizard of Earthsea’. I presume they paid Ursula K. Le Guin to use the name for some random script a producer’s 12 year old scribbled up.

You’ve won the lottery to officially choose new names for all the planets, what are they now called?

Mercure Hotel
Weenus
Dirt
Vulcan
Big Boy
Ring Boy
Blue Boy
Blue Boy Two, Electric Boogaloo

What about Ceres, Eris, Makemake and Haumea?

Brunch
Breakfast
Dinner
Spiro

What is the scariest monster you can imagine?

An oversized, mentally challenged oompa-loompa with access to a nuclear arsenal.

What are your thoughts on magic and the occult?

They’re good for making a buck!

Why are you sooo uggly lool!?

I was born this way. And don’t call me Lool.

If you could go back in time and give blueprints to an invention before it was even thought of, What would it be and who do you give it to?

I’d give Hitler detailed blueprints for a Fitbit and tell him it’s a super weapon that will defeat the Soviets.

What year were you born?

The year of the great drought, the passing of the Bird Man, and the dawn of the blood plague

What would you recommend doing in Prague?

Golem hunt!

What job exists because we are idiots?

Homeopathist

For one day, all animals obey you and do your bidding- what do you do in those 24 hours to make the most of this power?

Every raven within 100 miles of Donald Trump flies to him and just sits there, silently staring.

How would our world be changed if all the religion of the world were removed and never existed?

We would be living in golden paradise cities floating above the land on clouds of pure reason, children would compete in organised team logic contests and Richard Dawkins would be king!

If Tuesday are for Tacos, then what are Wednesdays for?

Water closets

What exactly do stores do when the power goes out?

Depends on the store. At Walmart the floor managers organise the staff into hunting packs to catch the largest customer possible, who will then be sacrificed to the spirit of Sam Walton in an attempt to restore the power.

Would you tell anyone if you very clearly saw a UFO, and had zero doubt about what it was?

If I had zero doubt about what it was then it wouldn’t be an unidentified flying object

What is a video game that can’t be turned into a movie?

Uwe Boll has shown us that no such thing exists.

What do you like (or hate) about eating at Panda Express?

That they got rid of the tanks where you could choose what panda you want to eat 🙁

What is the end goal of the Republican Party in the United States?

For all Republican politicians to be rich as God

Who is the sexiest woman alive on this planet?

Professor Alice Roberts

Why do some larger buildings have stones/pebbles layering the top of their roof?

It’s intended to block the signals from the Government mind control satellites (and stop the roof from blowing away).

What is your favorite part of The Matrix?

The scene just after they get Neo out of the tank where he and Morpheus bond over their shared sadness that they have no hair to braid.

How do you raise children? Would you recommend a book?

Yes I would. Having a book is infinitely preferable to raising children.

How would you kill a giant bearlion that was resistant to bullets?

Challenge its masculinity until it falls into despair and can’t go on.

How did you realize you are not the normal person you thought you were?

I never considered myself to be normal.

Meanwhile on Vogsphere

Ah! Rugose, flaccid nose-hole of the ruffled temple zone,
Your googly funnel-bunny gnaws a constipating bone,
The flow of curdled fennel burbles freely ‘twixt my toes,
Like humming lemon lemmings plinking furgled fertile rows,
Give over to me all your wingèd tokens priss-pristine,
Lest I dislocate your gruntle sack you disgusting pervert,