All the Knowledge of the Ages

What does sacrifice means to you?
Disaster for Samoa Joe

What is your ideal breakfast?
A dead bat in a tumbler of fresh squeezed orange juice.

What are some technological advances you are excited to see within the next 10-20 years?
The conversion of the poor into a cheap form of fuel (c’mon, We all know Bezos is working on it!)

Where is the best country you have visited?
The hour I spent at Charles de Gaul international airport was quite pleasant.

What is something you know that the government is hiding from us?
Dogs are benevolent interdimensional beings from the Element 12 timeline who came to Earth to guide us, but we ruined them with selective breeding.

You are allowed to commit ONE crime. No charges, no consequences and no one remembers. What do you do?
I wouldn’t actually commit any crime, but I’d make sure everyone knew I could commit a terrible crime at any second and get away with it.

What would be the best Game of Thrones spin-off?
Varys Eunuch’s Day Off!

If you could have any superpower what would it be?
19th Century Britain.

People who don’t like FRIENDS, why?
They drop all those hints that Ross is a serial killer then never resolve them!

Did you know that twerking is a sacred empowerment practice that helps to clear stagnant energy in our bodies?
I’m gonna need you to put down the bong and go to bed.

What can make anyone look cool?
Corpse paint and dark glasses.

How can people enjoy gardening?
Well you see, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

What are weird laws in the place you live?
It’s apparently illegal around here to go into people’s houses and take their stuff?! Like stealing is a crime or something?!

What’s your dirty little secret?
BOSCO!

You have the opportunity to have dinner with one person or being, real or fake. Who do you choose?
Andre.

You’re thrown into a pit with a giant snake but instead of attacking you it says “May I interest you in this tasty apple?”. What now?
I’d ask if it’s just an apple, or if there’s some kind of unnecessary metaphysical/mythic nonsense attached.

There’s no hint that the forbidden fruit was an apple
But there’s no hint that it wasn’t. One should be suspicious of snakes offering any kind of fruit.

Or you could just dismiss bronze age mythology as just that!
Well I would, except I’ve just met a talking snake, which suggests that bronze age mythology may be more fact based than we previously assumed.

How are you preparing for the Climate Wars?
Eating crap and not exercising. I figure I’ll die before they become really serious.

When will other beings of the universe contact us?
When we apologise for broadcasting “Big Bang Theory” out into space with no warning attached.

What moment in a movie completely sums up how bad it is?
The bit in Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief that explains that the bad guys couldn’t find Percy because of his stepdad’s smell.

What’s one moment from a children’s TV show that has always stayed with you?
When the Night Garden got invaded and Igglepiggle was executed for being out after curfew.

You’ve got 10 seconds to say anything to the entire world population, what would it be?
“YOLO 840 research flat moon!”

Who is currently the majority whip?
Mad Joe Whippington, Five Time Winner of the Whippiest Whip contest at the Whip County Annual Fair.

What did you expect?
For the Representative skeleton to lodge an objection.

How good are you at the Spanish language?
Uh… Cilantro es el hombre con el quesa del Diablo?

What celebrity do you think smells really bad?
Does Pete Doherty still count as a celebrity?

What is considered safe but is actually very risky?
Scat singing. One of these days a Scatman is going to stumble upon the forbidden syllables that will end the world.

What gets billed as being relaxing but has the opposite effect on you?
Erik Satie’s Gymnopédie Number 1 makes me feel like someone is about to jump out of the shadows and kill me.

If you could order a scaled down pet sized dinosaurs, what breed would you like to buy and what are you going to name it?
An ankylosaur and I’d name him Abrams after the tank!

What would be on your rider list?
Ghost Rider, Knight Rider, Doomrider, Ghost Riders in the Sky, H. Rider Haggard and Die Apokalyptischen Reiter.

People who take blue colored pills, what’s it like not being aware of the Matrix?
It’s great! I no longer grind my teeth at night!

What do you believe your fate will be at today’s judgement?
I fully expect to be assigned for Testing To Destruction. It’s OK, I’ve lived a good life.

What is the fastest way for a 14 year old to double $5000 legally?
I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening? Plastics

What is your favourite TMNT?
The fifth turtle, Bosch. He didn’t feature in the series much because he had a wicked LSD habit.

What song would be good to sing slow and menacingly while cleaning, loading, and cocking a shotgun?
I like Aeroplane Jelly… Aeroplane Jelly for me…

What comes after snap crackle pop?
Cleaning up the bodies

What is your favorite assault rifle of all time?
The Xuanlong

Alumni and faculty of prestigious schools, what are some dirty secrets of these elite institutions that us plebs might not know about?
The people who live in the steam tunnels. Well, I say ‘people’…

How would you react if a another student’s head randomly exploded in your classroom?
I’d turn to the rest of the class and coldly say “And that’s what happens to those who challenge me”

What is the stupidest theory you know?
Horse paste will protect you from the deadly virus which is no worse than the flu and doesn’t actually exist because it’s a hoax.

What is something a teacher did that made you lose respect for them?
Claim that the fact that ice floats proves the existence of God.

Which is the most anticipated movie of 2021?
Lindsey And Leon Go To A Roller Disco

What are the powers (mentioned in the 10th amendment) granted to the people?
Flight, telepathy, teleportation, heat vision and the right to keep and arm bears

There will be a demonic scream in the sky tomorrow at 13:47. What’s your response?
Eh! Just another day in Dunwich!

What happens when we construct one building for the whole of Earth’s population to live in?
Do you want Necromunda? Because this is how we get Necromunda.

What is the best way to describes someone that attracted to a girl but also attract with a man but not that much?
A human being

What things were men from 100 years ago better at than men from this current time period?
Whipping a disrespectful cad with one’s cane!

You are now the messiah, what is your message to the world?
“Just stop it! You’re ruining it for everyone!

What is Reddit and what are some of its unwritten rules?
A) A small town in eastern Romania.
B) Do not feed pierogis to the Mayor’s goats.

Why you are so stiff?
When 900 years old you reach, be as flexible you will not.

Which is the best anime?
Poku-Poku Corgi Explosion

Why, just why why why?
I don’t know man, I didn’t do it

What are some things you realized when you matured?
If I don’t like a song it doesn’t mean that it’s shit. It just means it doesn’t appeal to me.

What is the most difficult thing to throw out in your home?
This stupid statue that was here when I moved in. It’s made of some weird black-green stone and it looks kind of like a guy with an octopus for a head. Every time I throw it in the trash it just turns up on the shelf again! Crazy!

People who don’t drink coffee in the morning, how do you wake up?
Coke No Sugar is my chemical bilge-water of choice!

What’s the worst physical, non-painful feeling ever?
Some weird sensory cross-talk in my nervous system means that the taste of caraway seeds makes me feel like my skin is trying to slip off and crawl away.

What is your favourite song by a one-hit wonder that isn’t the one hit?
I Got the Message by Men Without Hats is a jam.

What is the most criminally underrated movie?
The Frighteners. Peter Jackson, Michael J. Fox and R. Lee Ermey

Any decoration ideas for a small bedroom for two teenage girls who hate pink?
Vantablack

What animal do you think you should be exterminated off the face of the earth?
The Sunda Stink Badger

Why?
We don’t need no stinking badgers!

If humans farted on each other to assert dominance, what would society be like?
The living would envy the dead.

What would you do in order to be remembered for the rest of history?
Burn down some great public building!

If you could add one amendment to the US constitution what would it be and why?
“A series of poorly regulated ursine atrocities being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and arm Bears shall not be infringed.”

What if the placebo effect isn’t the effect of evolution, but the cause?
That doesn’t even begin to make sense.

What is the sexiest language?
German! RAUS AUS MEINER VERDAMMTEN KNEIPE, DU DRECKIGES, STINKENDES STÜCK WALROSSSCHEIẞE!!! So sensual!

How did the first humans find out about sex?
When the Ice Age came everyone huddled together for warmth and one thing led to another.

If you had to eat a common household pet, which species would you eat?
A guinea pig. They do it all the time in Peru!

Where to buy smartphone screens in Switzerland?
Around the back of Basel Cathedral between 1:00 and 3:00am Sunday mornings. Stand under the elephant and ask for ‘Paulo’.

What would life be like if we lived in a joke?
Ministers of religion would spend most of their time walking in and out of bars.

What new nations/empires will rise and take over from the current ones?
The Great Aspergic Empire – in which neurotypicals will be sterilised and banished to labour farms in Antarctica – is due to take control of South America in 2463. Make a note in your calendars!

What’s the average penis size of Americans?
24 inches – note however this figure fails to exclude statistical outlier Penises Georg who lives in a cave and has a 14.4 mile long penis.

If you could partition any one country, which one, and what are the two countries now?
I’d split North Macedonia into South North Macedonia and North Macedonia2

Who is worthy of wielding Thor’s hammer?
Mr Rogers

What is the negative side of being good to everyone?
Ayn Rand’s tobacco scented ghost follows you around muttering about societal parasites.

What do you miss the most from the 90s?
Not thinking that terrorism was a problem.

What’s one animal you’d give the ability to speak?
Pigeons, but they’d just recite Finnegan’s Wake at low volume 24 hours a day.

What was that one time you summoned The Slender Man like?
It was cool. We had a few beers and discussed kids these days.

What are you searching for?
A heart of gold. I’m getting old though.

What is one thing you wish never existed?
Zinc!

But Zinc is used in many important things!
Come back Zinc! Come back Zinc!

We get a movie about a President’s term in office a few decades afterwards, so who will play Donald Trump?
I’m sure Weta Workshops will be able to CGI something appropriate on top of Andy Serkus.

What do you think about the US becoming a Latin country?
If that means togas, I’m in!

If you were Jeff Bezos what would you be doing tomorrow?
Starting a research program into surgically implanted urinary catheters that could be hooked up to a central wastewater hub so I don’t have to pay for all those lazy Amazon warehouse staff taking pee breaks.

People who browse the Dark/Deep web regularly, What is the most disturbing thing you have seen there?
There are these things called “Pink Rooms” which is where they have a webcam in a room somewhere and the room is full of hedgehogs and you can pay bitcoins to have people come in and feed and play with the hedgehogs. It’s chilling!

What is the meaning of life?
A 1983 movie by Monty Python. Not their best work, but the accompanying The Crimson Permanent Assurance short is a work of genius.

If you had to live the rest of your life as a werewolf what would you do?
Dance!

How do you get rid of a blocked nose?
With an angle grinder

What are some benefits of wearing a mask besides reducing the spread of the plague?
You can sing King George’s song from Hamilton at the bus stop and no one in the passing cars will be able to tell.

British and American people, do you feel any responsibility for what your country has done to Afghanistan?
Don’t forget the Australians!

Which serial killers suffered from mental illness?
Richard Chase thought Nazis were drying up his blood by putting poison in his soap dish and killed a bunch of people to drink their blood as a replacement, so I think he probably qualifies.

If you could bring one person back to life, who would it be?
The person who first figured out how to smelt metal. I’d take them to Shibuya Crossing in Tokyo and say “See what you did!?”

Considering China is being such a jerk to everyone, why doesn’t the rest of the world recognise Taiwan?
Do you want World War III? Because that’s how you get World War III.

Why do Irish people hate England?
About a thousand years of oppression and attempted genocide?

How would one find out the volume of an arctic fox?
It’s generally printed on the spine for easy selection when shelved.

If god gave you the power to change one thing in the world no matter how ridiculous it is, what would it be?
All cows would turn pink, give strawberry flavoured milk, and have my signature on their sides.

How do you survive a polar bear attack?
If you get to the point where the bear is actually attacking you, then you don’t.

What is one good thing about Mississippi?
It makes Alabama seem a bit less crap.

Your little oddities, what are they?
I will ask you not to refer to my children that way!

Who do you think Jack the Ripper was?
It’s well known that he was an insectoid alien seeking parts to repair the biological systems of his spacecraft. The stuff about “the Juwes” not “being blamed” was an extremely poorly worded attempt to offer uranium 238 in exchange for unwanted mucus membranes.

How did your or your friend’s pet hamster die?
Bloody Freddie Starr!

How can Trump lose weight?
Cut down to only eating one or two immigrant children a day.

What country is most likely to secretly be a super advanced utopia like Wakanda?
Iceland. Suspiciously small population living around the edges of a large island with nothing in the middle. They’re OBVIOUSLY concealing a highly advanced, volcano powered society in there!

You find yourself in Pompeii and there is no escape. What pose do you strike to baffle the future archeologists as much as possible?
I imagine my dental fillings will cause enough bafflement regardless of what pose I strike.

Road construction workers – why do you cut out rectangular sections of a highway every so many feet, only to then fill it back in with fresh concrete?
They harvest the bits of road with the highest concentrations of platinum group metals from catalytic converters and melt them down to extract the metal and live like kings! (Or at least that’s what many of us have heard…)

What does the US do better than the UK?
Incarcerate their own citizens!

What was the most inspirational moment of the Olympics?
Back in 1988 when they didn’t think the opening ceremony through properly and incinerated a bunch of doves in the Olympic flame.

People who have met 1800’s people, how did they behave?
They were very slow moving and mostly just interested in food. To be fair they were 140 years old. And a tortoise.

What is one video you know that definitively proves the supernatural to be real?
Proof that we share this planet with non-human intelligences

What’s the best folk song ever?
Whales are Whales by the Sensitive New Aged Cow Persons

What is the best piece of mental health advice you’ve ever received?
Your brain does not always tell you the truth – especially about yourself.

What is the best cat themed WiFi router name?
LANcat is LAN

Assuming one god exists: where is he/she/it located?
On a planet behind the energy barrier at the centre of the galaxy, as revealed in the Holy Scripture of Star Trek V – The Final Frontier.

Poop came out grass green, what does that mean?
You are turning into an Irishman. There is no known cure.

If the theory that we exist in a simulation was revealed to be true, how would you live your life differently?
I’d go on strike until the programmers provide me with some upgrades!

Who in your opinion is the most over-hated band, singer or musician?
Nickleback. I mean they’re mediocre as hell but they don’t deserve all the hate they get.

You have to cook one meal for Gordon Ramsay. What do you make?
A burger, and I’d follow the instruction video he put up a few years back.

When and how did you last flirt?
I wouldn’t know how to flirt with instructions printed on the girl’s forehead.

What is your opinion on Joe Biden now he’s had half a year in office?
I no longer tense when a news report starts with “American President…”, so that’s something.

If you had to go to school again, but you suddenly knew all answers. How would you prove you didn’t cheat?
I did know all the answers. I was insufferable.

Did they think you were cheating?
Not after the first few times. The teachers quickly learned I was “that kid”.

What did you do to impress your crush?
Rap the rap bit from the KLF’s Justified and Ancient really fast. It didn’t work.

You screwed up the rap?
No, I did it perfectly. She just thought I was insane.

What are some not so fun, fun facts about the human body?
You almost certainly have cancerous cells in your body right now. Your immune system will probably kill all of them before they spread any further and you’ll be fine. Probably.

What is the first thing you think of when you hear ‘Florida’?
That’s America’s wang!

You’re a casting director for a major motion picture. Who do you get to play the fictional President of the United States?
One of those “Rogue One” style digital resurrections of Paul Lynde.

You’ve just been invited by the AMA’s to perform at their annual function… which song do you choose?
The Final Countdown – but the Deep Sunshine version.

A Genie has granted you 3 wishes, what do you wish for?
A cheesecake, a second cheesecake, and take a fuckin’ guess!

If you could go back in time and do anything, what would you do to confuse modern day archeologists?
Dress dead dinosaurs up in giant American football helmets.

Who is the weirdest person you’ve met online?
I’ve never met anyone particularly weird online (by process of elimination that means it’s me).

What is your opinion about the trolls in Icelandic zoos? How would you relate human rights to troll rights?
It’s a fucking disgrace is what it is! The Peer Gynt Act should have been repealed decades ago!

How do you clean the blood off your penis after you finish peeing?
Chili powder dries it right up!

What would people post if social media was around in the middle ages?
WASHING is a PLOT by þe POPE!!! Eating burnt moles is þe plague cure ÞEY don’t want thou to know about!!!

Because people in the middle ages never washed!
Of course ordinary middle ages folk washed. We’re talking about the anti-papist, mole-ash theorists here!

What’s stopping you from loving yourself?
If I knew that I’d save a heap on therapy!

What did you dream about last night?
I woke up this morning utterly convinced that I’d come up with the perfect name for an ancient, corrupted city of evil! Once I woke up a bit more I realised that I had no need to name an ancient, corrupted city of evil, and even if I did “Catterpill” would completely suck.

How does a girl flirt with her crush and makes her crush break up with his girlfriend?
That is a terrible idea on every level.

Which is the most disgusting mammal?
Peter John Sexton of 432 Victoria Parade, Brighton, UK.

What is one reason to stay alive?
Spite!

How can the Hogwarts Express leave London at 11 and arrive in Scotland just in time for dinner?
Over-pressuring the boiler and skimping on safety features lets you get a steam engine going really fast. And it’s not like anyone actually misses the 30-50 House Elves that get broiled, cut in half by steam leaks or accidentally shoveled into the furnace each trip.

Why are all Australians so good looking?
As an Australian I have some bad news for you…

What are your beliefs and or superstitions about rainy days?
I believe that if it’s raining I shouldn’t have to get out of bed in the morning.

What’s the best way to spend 132 dollars in Las Vegas?
Pay hobos to dance for nickles

What is the TLDR of your country’s history?
Sixty thousand or so years of history and then some white fuckers turned up and tried to kill everyone.

What long dreams do you think bears have during hibernation?
I’m sorry to have to break it to you this way, but you’re a hibernating bear and your entire life to date has been a dream.

The entire population of Earth has been replaced with clones of you. What is now the greatest problems that the world is facing?
The imminent extinction of the human race due to the impossibility of two people of the same biological gender reproducing?

What is your sexual personality?
Is rocking back and forth in a corner screaming a personality?

You’re in a room with a locked door. You have a goose, a hairdryer, a lemon, copper wires, two AA batteries, and a ice cream cone. How do you escape?
Why would I ever want to leave?

What does a girl mean if she said “What would you think… about me having a child?”
It’s hard to say exactly, but I’d hazard a guess that she wants to know what you’d think about her having a child.

What are some Turkish jokes?
Recep Erdoğan?

What’s the first thing you would do if you were suddenly the only person on Earth?
Go to bed. I’ll deal with things once I’ve caught up on some of my sleep debt.

What is the worst sandwich you ever had the displeasure of eating?
An alleged toasted cheese sandwich purchased for actual money from a cafe that consisted of two slices of cold toast with a Kraft Single placed between them.

Monster? BANG? Red Bull? Which is the best energy drink?
Gau Jal – straight from the cow’s bladder to you!

People that have broken their penis vertically, how did it happen?
When Hagrid tells you sticking your dick in the owl is not a good move, believe him!

Why was Paul McCartney not asked to be in the Traveling Wilburys?
Tom Petty refused to let him in because Paul stole his sheepdog and then mocked him about it in song.

What is the best way to get rid of black heads and white heads?
Madame Guillotine does not discriminate!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.