Get This

I am not dead! Europe did not kill me (despite the best efforts of one of its cold viruses) and I am back in the antipodes where I belong. I am in the process of uploading my holiday snaps, and may some day actually annotate them, but in the meantime, here’s some more rare wisdom for you edification and amusement.

Why is murder illegal?
Because the Government is in the pocket of Big Killing. LOBBYING REFORM NOW!!

Why do cats run in front of cars?
They’ve misunderstood quantum mechanics and think they can be alive and dead at the same time.

How can Red Lobster feature “Endless Shrimp” when there is a finite amount of shrimp in the world at any given time?
Red Lobster is run by a cabal of Cthulhu worshipers. They use their unholy knowledge to open portals to alternate Earths and strip them of their shrimp. Once one world is fully harvested they feed its human inhabitants to Cthulhu and move on to the next. There are an endless number of alternate worlds, hence there are endless shrimp.

What movie SHOULD be remade by Michael Bay?
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. He should remake it, and then remake it again and be forced to keep remaking it until it’s no longer an incoherent, steaming pile of horse turds.

If God appeared today and picked you to ask him one question that he would answer for all of humanity to hear, what would you ask?
So what’s the deal with airline food?

Besides a dinner and movie, what are some great date ideas?
Illegal drag racing against the ethnic gang of your choice.

Like the Neo-Nazis?
The Neo-Nazis are anything but ethnic. They’re practically famous for it.

If you had an elephant where would you hide it?
In the butter.

What’s the best Pokemon version “red, blow, yellow, or gold” and why?
Blow. You cook up with Pikachu and you see all kinds of crazy shit! Charizard talks to you man!

What is the best response to “Why are you so quiet?”
“I’m plotting the downfall of your pitiful species”

People hiding out in workplace bathrooms, whatcha doin’ in there?
Waiting for the chosen one.

What is the premise of the last game you played, explained really badly?
My dad ran away and I had to eat cockroaches to find him and then he died and I died but I got the water.

What TV shows should everybody be watching?
The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo. If we can get the ratings up in syndication they might commission a new season.

Who was well ahead of their time?
Ug son of Thag-Mammoth-Slayer. He figured out differential and integral calculus but couldn’t do anything with them because the rest of his tribe couldn’t count to twenty without looking at their feet.

What’s the worst way you can describe a Disney movie plot to somebody that’s never seen it?
There’s this chick who doesn’t have legs, and she trades her voicebox for legs so she can meet this dude, and this dude marries someone and I think there’s this singing lobster or something.

What movie deserves a remake?
North. Jack Black would be perfect as Bruce Willis!

What are some of the best breeds of dogs to keep in an apartment?
Small ones that behave themselves when you’re around, but yap constantly at high volume whenever you’re away.

100 years from now, which race is going to be the dominant race?
The Lizard People, after they eliminate 90% of the human population with United Nations anti ‘global warming’ hoax FEMA internment black helicopter cattle mutilation zika Hillary Clinton cyborg camps!

If you can tell a trees age by cutting it and counting the rings, what else can you use this method on to calculate it’s age?

Where were you 3325 years ago?
Partying at the coronation feast of Adad-nirari the first of Assyria.

What’s one thing about the open ocean that most people dont know?
On lonely nights at sea, singin’ a verse o’ Roll the Old Chariot to the waves might just summon ye up a Mermaid fer company.

When will the Muslim plague take over America?
It’s scheduled for 6:45 Saturday evening (but you didn’t hear it from me).

What’s something that you’re guilty about even though you don’t need to be?
The Sack of Constantinople

What is a mind blowing fact about space?
Space has a terrible secret, and only shoving will protect you from it (do you have stairs in your house?)

Which films could be made into the most unique theme park rides?
Un Chien Andalou. You get dragged around on a dead donkey on top of a piano, and then get your eye sliced open with a razor blade.

What’s a seemingly innocent question that tells you a lot about someone?
What do you think of the Insane Clown Posse?

Is the ‘Law of Attraction’ a real thing?
Yeah, it stars David Spade.

What could you make with an eggplant?
People unhappy.

Would it be fun to take some Valium and listen to Enya?
Sure, but make sure you turn her off before you hit the secret track on Watermark where she swears allegiance to Baphomet and sacrifices a puppy.

Is aspergers a death sentence?
Well everyone who has it is certainly going to die eventually.

What material do we use today that may kill us in the future?
Microbeads will fill up your appendix until it bursts and then you die!

Do you have a source for that?
Um……. Dr Oz?

How does a Dog know where a blind person wants to go?
The dog doesn’t know where they want to go, it knows where they need to go

What Would Greeting Cards Say if They Were Buntly Honest?
“Society demands that I give you this piece of cardboard”

Why when we lose our jobs are we said to be “fired?”
In the middle ages it was customary to dismiss apprentices by setting them on fire. That way they’d either die, or be so badly scarred as to be unable to practice or pass on the skills they learned.

How to make the school day go by faster?

Why do people distract themselves so much as opposed to confronting reality?
Have you seen reality?

Current or former employees of fast food establishments, what item should never be ordered under any circumstances?
Never order the Extra Filthy Chicken at Colonel Backwash’s. The Extra Hairy Chicken is three dollars cheaper, and you can make it just as filthy by kicking it around the restroom floor.

Why would a cat nibble on toenails?
It’s trying to absorb your essence to gain power over you so it’ll be easier to kill you while you sleep.

Does Kristen Stewart have an horse face?
Yes. She keeps it in a jar by the door.

What’s the best episode of Star Trek, from any series?
The one where a computer steals Spock’s brain and you see Spock’s brain and Spock’s brain talks Dr McCoy through putting Spock’s brain back in Spock.

What is a bad sign of insanity?
When someone asks you what the time is you look at your electric stratification particular fleshly leafed gigantia think about your eight hour day sitting there beside your lounge across the whole globe 60 hectares per day most importantly the next time you go to the grocery store you’ll always see it!

How do you get a Starbucks barista to go out with you?
Speak to them only in Moby Dick quotes.

How can you explain color to a blind person?
It’s like temperature that you feel from a distance with your eyes.

If you were to change a major ingredient from any product, what would it be?
I’d replace the water in Faygo with bleach.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all get along?
Don’t make me nail you to a tree!

Why is there no fan-fiction for the bible?
There is! It’s called The Book of Mormon.

Why is a lemon so sour?
Because if it were sweet it would be an orange.

What part of the wheelbarrow is the fulcrum?
The face.

The name of which North African city literally means ‘white house’?

Which is the only mammal with the power of active flight?
Sam Wilson (aka ‘Falcon’)

What is the longest river in India?
The Ram Dass

How do cars get in malls?
Fake IDs.

Should Nakamura be the first to pin Brock Lesnar clean?
Yeah, why the hell not.

Do you speak more then one language?

If you were Joseph Stalin, what would you have done differently?
I would have come to your house, and danced!

What causes sharps pains in your lower areas when you’re partly dehydrated?
Some kind of gypsy curse?

What would you do differently if you wrote the Harry Potter books?
I’d keep them exactly the same, except randomly add a chapter of hardcore House Elf porn to each book.

Did your high school have metal detectors?
In the sense that the teachers would invariably locate and confiscate any Metallica or Pantera cassettes, yes.

What should a person do, to control his drowsiness while studying?
Drink the blood of your fellow students. It will keep you awake and you’ll be able to absorb all their knowledge.

What would be the rules of a Donald J. Trump drinking game?
You have to give all your booze to Donald at the start (if you refuse he’ll claim you’re a terrorist). Then he’ll hold up all the booze and say it shows what a great businessman he is.

Who would kill you if they had the chance and why?
Paul Reubens. He has his reasons.

Make your case – Where’s the best place to live in the USA and why?
The Delaware Wedge, because you’re immune to the 20th Amendment and hence can have as many simultaneous Presidents as you want.

What about covert harassment and surveillance?
It’s pretty cool.

What’s the best thing to do at school when its a free period?
Plant explosives

You are now Skeletor. How do you defeat He-Man?
I don’t. I concentrate on marketing a range of skin care products instead.

What small thing gives you major anxiety?
My bank balance.

What can’t you get rid of no matter how many times you try?
This bottle with a wish-granting imp in it. Stupid bottle.

Why do some people have kinder, more gentle personalities?
Because they are WEAK!

Why can’t I see my reflection in the mirror on a television?
Mirrors on TV shows aren’t real mirrors. Mirrors don’t show up properly on cameras, so they use a special kind of non-reflective metallic foil instead.

What celebrity do you have a massive crush on?
Dr Alice Roberts

What would you do if the toilet doesn’t flush in your crushes house?
Lock the door, crawl out the window, slither down the street like a snake, leave town and never come back.

Are you see the Real Ghost?
Are you see the yellow sign?

Why do they make swimming pools to sweat-inducingly warm?
Swimming pools used to be set to 70F, but they’ve been increasing them by around a degree a year for the last decade. This process will continue until the pools are hot enough to cook unsuspecting swimmers who will then be fed to Paninatu the Volcano God on his return in the mid 2030s.

What are great questions to ask to get to know someone on a deep level?
Are you a fan of the Pikachu?

Those who have visited Pakistan, how did you find it?
Flew to India and turned left.

What is the dark secret you are aware of about this world?
The world is hollow and gravity is generated by the ancient machinery of the Mole Men.

What food are you craving that isn’t available where you are?
Pickled Onion flavoured Monster Munch.

Anyone catch Mitch Johnson at Whitfords today?
What kind of Pokemon is he?

If you could add one rule or thing to the Tour De France to make it extreme, what would it be?
A horde of ravenous wolverines.

Who’s the best Batman villain?
Iron Hat Ferris, the man in the Iron Hat.

What are the personality traits of Barack Obama?
Kindness, thoughtfulness, a burning desire to destroy America for the glory of his Godless, Kenyan, Muslim masters, and integrity.

Why do dogs lick you?
They lick you to absorb your soul through your skin. Each lick brings you a few minutes closer to death.

Is it inappropriate to cut a lock of hair from the body at a funeral?
It’s only appropriate if you’re wearing your wizard robe and hat.

Who Would Like To Rub My Belly?

Why do you sometimes suddenly get a sharp pain somewhere in your body for a few seconds then it goes away and doesn’t come back?
It’s just Satan probing for ways to get in. Nothing to worry about.

What would you do if a random corgi walked up to you and said in a cute voice “ur getting mugged ‘k”?
Say “Who’s a clever boy? WHO’S a clever boy? You are! You are SO clever!” while ruffling its fur. Hopefully it’ll be so humiliated it just leaves.

Why does Hogwarts look different in every movie?
Dumbledore likes to ‘redecorate’ during the summer holidays. The students spend the first few weeks of each school year figuring out where all the classrooms have got to.

What items or products have a design flaw that drives you nuts?
Even the most expensive vegetable peelers won’t work efficiently on human skin! It’s ridiculous!

What are your thoughts on bowel movements? Do you find them inappropriate at certain times even if you beg pardon?
Do I find thoughts on bowel movements inappropriate?

What are Hamas and Hezbolah?
Delicious salad dressings! Ask for them at Subway!

Is there anything dangerous about cutting off your own mole?
Your main concern should be if he hires a weasel as a lawyer and sues for support payments. You could well end up paying him more than you were before you cut him off.

How big is the music library of the Word?
It takes up most of the third continent of the Deamon World of Sicarus within the Eye of Terror. Sadly Lorgar has terrible taste in music and it’s mostly filled with Backstreet Boys covers and Billy Joel bootlegs.

What is Craigslist actually good for?
Selling your internal organs to Serbians.

If you were a Time Traveler, What event would you Visit?
The Kennedy assassination. I’d lurk suspiciously around the grassy knoll while making strange hand signs, and try to get in some photos.

Why do people wear hats indoors?
To stop the Yithians stealing their thoughts.

Which popular nursery rhymes have another verse that not many people have heard?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his crown and kill came tumbling after,
The Yellow King his aid to bring did heal Jack’s broken pate,
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,

Will a ghost stop possessing someone’s body if they’ve been doing so since the person was a baby?
Only if you pay it off. Most ghosts these days accept PayPal.

Weirdest thing to ask your partner to dress up as during sex?
Rlim Shaikorth, the White Worm of Hyperborea.

What lighthearted series deserve a gritty re-boot?
Care Bears. They care…. about racial segregation!

Every time I surf at the beach and later close my eyes to sleep I see waves crashing. Why does this happen?
You didn’t find some kind of Hawaiian idol out there and wear it around your neck, did you?

Why can’t we remember when we fall asleep?
Retrograde amnesia from when the sandman clobbers you with his bag of gravel.

Parents of Porn Stars, how did you react when you discovered what your child does for a living?
Horribly ashamed. Every time he says he has a ‘friend’ who’s an expert on 19th century firearms I can’t help but weep.

What does a persons car/truck say about them?
Nothing. Vehicles are not sentient and are unable to hold or express opinions. If you believe that vehicles are judging you, please seek advice from your family healthcare provider.

On a scale from 1-10, what is your favorite color of the alphabet?

What do you feed your eel?
Smaller, less impressive eels.

What do you like to do when you need to kill time?
Construct an elaborate trap baited with oscillating cesium atoms.

Which songs sound so much WORSE when you change the music speed?
Baby by Justin Beiber is much worse at half speed, because you have to listen to it for twice as long.

Whats the illness called where people have LARGE foreheads?
Being a Klingon

Why did Europeans stop believing in god so quickly?
Santa’s flight path from the North Pole passes over western Europe at low altitude, not long after take off. Residual radiation from the launch procedure rains down across the continent, causing a rise in atheism. By the time he reaches the US the radiation has dissipated.

Why is it called a “pair” of pants?
The plurality of pants was established by Pope Alexander VI in the Treaty of Tordesillas in 1494. The main body of the treaty divided the world between Spain and Portugal but the Pope slipped the pants thing in there as a joke that no one noticed until it was too late.

Who gets to decide which teams wear darker/lighter colored jerseys in the NBA and how are referees assigned?
The Speaker of the House, in accordance with the 17th Amendment.

Why don’t you like mustard?
Because he killed my father in the Library with the lead pipe!

Why are Walmart employee sad?
The Chinese soldiers hiding in the basement are mean to them.

What Friends episode is the best?
The one where they discover that Ross has been murdering vagrants to make a dinosaur suit out of their skins.

The Seven Wonders of the Second World War

1: The HMS Habakkuk (UK/Canada)
2: His Majesty’s Artillery Barrages, Brixton and Leyton (UK)
3: The USS George Washington and USS Theodore Roosevelt Invasion Carriers (USA)
4: The Mukhoboyka Sonic Anti-Aircraft Array (USSR)
5: The Landkreuzer P. 1400 Ratte II Super Tank (Germany)
6: The Silberadler Intercontinental Bomber (Germany)
7: The Mount Takao Grand Imperial Bunker Complex (Japan)

Where are they now?

Much has been made of the fact that this year is the tenth anniversary of the end of seminal 90’s sitcom Friends (half of which was of course set, filmed and broadcast in the 2000’s). So with that in mind I figured we’d take a look at what the cast are up to, ten years after their multi-million dollar feedbags were forcibly removed…

Jennifer Aniston continues with a comfortable  career in big screen comedies, and manages to look damn hot while doing so.

Courteny Cox has finally managed to land some post-Friends television success with Cougar Town and is engaged to some guy from Snow Patrol.

Lisa Kudrow has gone from strength to strength with guest roles on numerous TV shows, ads for computer games and a successful web series.

Matt LeBlanc hit a bit of a slump with the not-entirely successful spin off Joey but bounced back by playing a fictionalised version of himself on BBC comedy series Episodes. He also toppled Rowan Atkinson from poll position in the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car segment on Top Gear.

Rob ‘David’ Schwimmer was last reported living rough on the streets of Tallahassee Florida. He has been sighted with a crudely lettered cardboard sign indicating that he will say “We were on a break!” for loose change.

Matthew Perry is reported to have reclaimed three of his seven horcruxes and continues on his quest to cast the Earth and everyone on it into the pit of eternal flame for the greater good of his dark master. We wish him every success.

M.C. Surveyor General in the Upper House

People are currently expressing a great deal of surprise that the hip-hop term “diss” (that is to disrespect someone) first appears in the December 10th 1906 edition of Perth’s own Sunday Times.

Those of us familiar with the history of our fair state however know full well that rap was an important and influential part of Western Australian history and politics from the 1880s right up until the first world war.

Take for instance Lord John Forrest’s maiden speech to Parliament in 1890…

I’m Lord John Forrest, G.C.M.G.,
Raised in the hood of Bunbury,
With Dr John Ferguson my Pop did sail,
I learned to rhyme at the feet of Bishop Hale,
First native born son to become a surveyor,
For the Lands and Survey crew of Western Australia,
Searched the deserts for Leichhardt with Tommy Windich,
Then from Esperance to Adelaide showing Eyre he’s my bitch,
Pinned the source of the Murchison down real pretty,
Then cruised the red centre to Adelaide city…

It continues like this for several paragraphs, but they’re mostly just demands for a knighthood and/or railway and poorly worded insults leveled at John Septimus Roe (let’s not even get into the infamous East Coast/West Coast feud with Sir Henry Parkes).

On Spiegeltents

People will tell you that ‘spiegel’ is Dutch for ‘mirror’, and a spiegeltent is hence called because of the mirrors used to decorate it. This is untrue.

A spiegel is a cross between a spaniel and a beagle. The breed was developed in Belgium in the late 19th century and became famous for its ease of training and ability to howl in tune. Choirs of spiegels toured Europe in tents and these ‘singing dogs’ were a major attraction of the age.

Spiegel choirs fell out a favour during the rise of fascism in the 1930s, and the last of the touring companies folded at the start of the second world war. Today only the tents remain.

(Went to the Perth Fringe Festival last night with Rebecca. We ended up seeing Face the Music, which was fantastic – highly recomended. We also saw the Spiegeltent, but without the dogs we judged it not worth paying to go in…)

A Reading from the Book of Truth

All are the three and of the three

The document now known as The Book of Truth was discovered in southern Namibia in 2004, apparently having been deposited by a temporal wormhole of the kind now known to spontaneously occur in that region. Although the date of authorship is unknown, temporal studies have suggested that it originates from at least 4oo years in the future, and (based on isotope readings of the ink) was probably produced in east Asia.

The document is in the form of a slim booklet, hand written on coarse paper, bound with a leather cover fastened with clasps of poor quality steel. Carbon dating of the paper suggests that the document is between 100 and 150 years old. It is written in a language barely recognisable as English, displaying a heavy influence from a south Slavic language – most likely a dialect of Croatian. Translation of the text has been hindered by the fact that the metal components of the work are highly radioactive, whether this is an effect of the time-travel process, or due to environmental factors at the point of origin is currently unknown.

What translation has been possible suggests that the work is religious and philosophical in nature. Extracts from the first two chapters (which are divided into numbered verses) are presented below.

Chapter 1
1: All in creation is composed of the three, and the three are that which is Good, that which is Evil and that which is neither, and the names of the three are potos, ekos and notos.
2: In the moment of creation was made hadaz, the water of the heavens. And hadaz was formed both good and evil.
3: And hadaz did beget the stars, and the stars did beget all. The metal and stones, the air and waters, all that is living and non-living.
4: And all are the three and of the three.
5: Potos and notos shall gather together as a fly in the temple of the wise. And ekos shall weave around them a veil.
6: And the veil shall be many layered and the outmost veil shall be most highly regarded when complete.
7: And the ekos within the veil shall be where it is not, and none that knows where it is shall know where it will be, for there it is not, though it is.
8: And all that is real shall ascend.

Chapter 2
1: That which is light is strong, but that which is heavy is weak and its weakness will be shown when struck.
2: That which is the heaviest is the weakest and in its breaking is poison, but the poison may be harnessed by the wise for acts of power.
3: But the poison of the breaking shall last for a thousand years and corrupt the earth and vex the wise.
4: For it is not the power of the stars, and the power of the stars and the blending of the hadaz shall evade the very wisest.

Fun Facts!

Isuzu = Suzuki

The ‘Isuzu’ truck company does not in fact exist. All ‘Isuzu’ trucks are manufactured by the Suzuki car company, but the shame of being seen driving around in a Suzuki causes truck drivers to prise off and discard the ‘K’ from their truck’s nameplate, and reposition the ‘I’ to the start of the word.

Would I lie to you?

Fun Facts You Never Knew!

If you believe any of this then you seriously need help.

1: Larry Gelbart – creator of TV series M*A*S*H – based many of the show’s characters on inhabitants of Allerton Illinois, the town where he grew up. Frank Burns was based on a neighbour who yelled at him for stealing apples, and B.J.Hunnicutt on an escaped circus hound that lived at a nearby junkyard.

2: The Gnu is not (as often assumed) an antelope. It is a species of warthog that evolved to fill the ecological niche left vacant by the schiessbok antelope when it became extinct around 12,000 years ago.

3: Most post offices are legally entitled to accept fingers in lieu of 10c stamps. Given steep rises in postage costs it is vitally important to make sure that one has correct change before attempting to send packages through the mail.

Lies! All Lies!

Barnes Wallis vs The Clash

Her Majesty’s Artillery Barrage, Brixton – more commonly referred to as the Guns of Brixton – is a military installation in southern London. Constructed under the direct supervision of Barnes Wallis in 1940 it was paired with a similar installation in the north London suburb of Leyton (known as ‘the Guns of Leyton’ – demolished in 1962).

The installation consists of eight ‘Boadicea’ class artillery pieces each standing 8.3 metres high with a barrel length of 30.5 metres and capable of firing once a minute. In full operation the facility consumes 40 tonnes of coal an hour (supplied by a branch line from Herne Hill railway station), projecting a ‘fire screen’ of burning coal fragments to an altitude of 1400 metres, protecting most of southern London from bombing attacks.

Barnes Wallis built the guns ‘out of his head’ with very few designs and under intense pressure. As such none of the guns are exactly alike, and many of the technical innovations he devised are poorly understood. This – combined with the fire screen’s tendancy to intefere with radar sensing and inability to defend against nuclear attack – prevented similar facilities being constructed after the war.

Several attempts to build smaller versions of the guns – mostly as an aid to figuring out how they work – have been made, but all have met with failure. Many prominant engineers have informally stated that the guns should not function at all. They remain fully operational however and are sometimes fired during times of special celebration – lighting up the entire south London sky. This practise is limited however by the need to ground all aircraft several hours before, and shut down Heathrow, Gatwick and London City Airports. The most recent firing was during the Queen’s 80th birthday celebrations in 2006.

The Guns of Brixton Experience is a tourist attraction based around the guns and operated by the National Trust. It opened in 1998 and operates guided tours several times a day.

The Guns of Brixton are counted as one of the Seven Wonders of the Second World War, along with the HMS Habakkuk making up the total British contribution to the list.

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