Kingboy, how do you know?

The porpoise is a mighty beast, black and sleek and wild,

I was (as I commonly am) feeling a bit bored at work the other day and decided that the ideal thing I needed to perk me up was to listen to Porpoise Song from the seminal (and only) JAMS collection, History of the JAMS. I mean who wouldn’t be energised by the sound of a dolphin squawking  Billy Jean? So to YouTube I went!

I quickly located the Porpoise Song and whacked it on. It turned out to be nothing like I expected.

This is a common problem when dealing with the KLF. Their general method of music production was to come up with a song, create a dozen different mixes of it, release half of them on severely limited run vinyl, chop the rest up into samples and build new tracks out of them, release those on various different albums and call all of them by the same name! This means that when you get your hands on a K Foundation track you never quite know if it’s the one you expect.

This was not the one I expected, but it was still awesome – as is to be expected from  anything by the Timelords.

After listening to Kingboy D’s tale of the high seas six or seven times I decided I’d actually like to know what he was carrying on about and did a search for the lyrics. I found them, and discovered that – as is so often the case – the only ones available online were severely deficient. So, I decided the only thing to do was transcribe them myself.

This was no easy task. Sound effects of crashing waves and stormy seas combined with Bill’s thick Clydeside accent make parts of the track almost completely incomprehensible. But I’ve done my best. Parts that I’m not sure of are indicated in square brackets – some of which contain absolute gibberish, but it’s at least gibberish that sounds like whatever he’s rapping. So, enjoy!

(2015 Edit: Thanks to BeeblePete for his suggestions which have been incorporated below)

PORPOISE SONG
The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu

Kingboy Kingboy,
Kingboy, what’s it all about?
You talk in riddles, talk in rhyme,
Make no sense to the dumb and blind,
When you gonna learn?
That it’s time to go?

For fourteen days and fourteen nights we’d trawl those northern seas,
Six of us and a [galley pot and night in front of us],
I was just nineteen, a boy aboard, Jack London was my stuff,
The rest of the crew were all bucky men but the skipper was named MacDuff,

In the cold and wet, the dark and rough, the work was never done,
For every four hours the chain bell rang with another catch to run,
Then knee deep in fish that were gasping their last and us with our blades in hand,
We’d slit their throats and clean their guts and laugh at those on land,

One night alone and up on deck beyond Bill Bailey’s Bank,
Just me, my soul and the roar of the [scuds] and the swirling black below,
Wet with spray and numb with cold and fresh bile in my throat,
I was counting the hours back to Peterhead and the youth years lost afloat,

The draw of the deep has a mighty strong arm and me, I was playing to win,
As we wrestled there on the starboard [side my soul was relieved from sin],
And through the chunder of diesel power and crumbling cliffs of [search],
I heard a cry and a sweet lament, a clarion call so strange,

Kingboy, Kingboy,
Kingboy, what’s it all about?
You talk in riddles, talk in rhyme,
Make no sense to the dumb and blind
When you gonna learn?
That it’s time to go?
It’s time to go,
It’s time to go,

The porpoise is a mighty beast, black and sleek and wild,
And there that night I chanced to meet far from the banks of the Clyde,
And this is what he sang to me as he leapt from wave to wave,
“Claim your crown and join the JAMs the world is there to save”,

Kingboy, Kingboy,
Kingboy, what’s it all about?
(Yeah, sometimes I know, it’s all so clear…)
You talk in riddles, talk in rhyme,
Make no sense to the dumb and blind
When you gonna learn?
That it’s time to go?
(Go? Where?)
It’s time to go,
(I’m already there…)
It’s time to go,

So here we are at the end of the year like monkeys to perform!
With an neat scratch here and a sample there and a [stand] to match your rhyme,
The twists and turns and [choice] of fate has left us what we are,
Well I’m a king! I’ve made my choice! Now let’s get tae the bar!

Kingboy, Kingboy,
Kingboy, what’s it all about?
You talk in riddles, talk in rhyme,
Make no sense to the dumb and blind,
When you gonna learn?
That it’s time to go?
(Are you takin’ me?)
It’s time to go,
It’s time to go,

Kingboy, Kingboy,
Kingboy, what’s it all about?
Kingboy, Kingboy,
Kingboy, what’s it all about?
Kingboy, Kingboy,
Kingboy, what’s it all about?
Kingboy, Kingboy,
Kingboy, how do you know?

Interesting footnote: Whereas the English pronounce “porpoise” and “tortoise” as “por-poys” and “tor-toys” we Australians say “por-pus” and “tor-tus”. Hmmmm.

11/11/11

It occurred to me late last night that Plastic Bertrand’s Ca Plane Pour Moi and Sigue Sigue Sputnik’s Love Missile F1-11 share the same beat and chord progression (or at least the same something, I’m no musician…). This means that you could make an awesome mashup!

Think about it!

US bombs cruising overhead!
There’s goes my love rocket red!
Multi-millions still unfed!
Psycho maniac interbred!
(Wooo-oo-oo-ooo!)
Now shoot it up!

Shoot it up!
Shoot it up!
Shoot it up up up up up up!
Now shoot it up!
(Wooo-oo-oo-ooo!)
Shoot it up!

Yeah, I’ll shut up now 🙂

PS: Boo yah! Plain Packaging legislation has passed. Take that Tobacco industry!

The Lancaster Soup!

Chinballs!

Call me a Heretic if you like, but as far as I’m concerned the correct lyrics are…

Mmmm-mmmm-mmmm-mmmm,
Feed the foam,
Environment,
At Royco, Cup-a-Soup,

You’re acting fifteen!
Touching yourself, repent!
At Royco, Cup-a-Soup!

OOOOOOOOOOOHHH!
The Lancaster Soup!
Soup in a cup!
God is Royco, Cup-a-Sooooooooop!!!!!!

In government the liquor’s the same,

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that!

Charlton Heston

The recipe for egg fried lice

And here are the lyrics to yesterday’s discovery…

Stump – Charlton Heston

The pyramids were in construction,
The Pharaoh glowed with satisfaction,
But then to his immense surprise,
His empire fell before his eyes,
A hundred thousand busy slaves,
Downed their tools and stood and stared,

The Red Sea walls stood like a canyon,
The Pharaoh pulled up in his wagon,
And saw within those walls of glass,
A herd of whales go racing past,
A hundred thousand fishy tales,
Crossed his mind about the day…

…that Charlton Heston put his vest on,

The broken tablets had been mended,
The golden calf had been up-ended,
And old folk sittin’ ’round the fire,
Would talk of voices from the sky,
Babies sailing down the Nile,
The recipe for locust pie,
A hundred thousand frogs per mile,
We’d always ask them to describe…

…how Charlton Heston put his vest on,

Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal,
Shalt not commit adultery,
Boils the size of 50p,
Lights! Camel! Action!
Bushes that refuse to burn,
See these sandals hardly worn,
Raining blood, raining bread,
The night we painted Egypt red,
Thou shalt not covet, shalt not lie,
Thou shalt not bonk your neighbour’s wife,
The recipe for egg fried lice,
A hundred ways to kill a fly,
Love your daddy, love your mummy,
Put your bread in milk and honey,
Loved his fish, he did, he did,
Never beat the wife and kids,
Slouch though desert, slouch through sand,
Until we reach the promised land,
Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal,
Shalt not commit adultery,
Boils the size of 50p,
Lights! Camel! Action!
Bushes that refuse to burn,
See these sandals hardly worn,
Raining blood and raining bread,
The night we painted Egypt red,
Thou shalt not covet, shalt not lie,
Thou shalt not bonk your neighbour’s wife,
The recipe for egg fried lice,
Lights! Camel! Action!
Lights! Camel! Action!

Charlton Heston put his vest on,
Charlton Heston put his vest on,
Charlton Heston put his vest on,
Charlton Heston put his vest on,
Charlton Heston put his vest on…

Don’t Mention Hamburgers Harry!

HOW DO I GET OFF THE BUS!?!?

I haven’t done one of these in a while…

The other day I was searching for the lyrics to bizzaro masterpiece Buffalo by Stump. Unable to locate them anywhere online I decided I should have a go at transcribing them myself.

Such a task is not exactly easy. The words make little sense, and the last third of the song is a mishmash of sped up, slowed down, distorted and overlayed speech of which only some phrases are actually comprehensible. Nonetheless, I persevered and present the results below.

(It helps to understand the song if one is aware that it’s a critique of idiotic American tourists wandering around London)

BUFFALO – by Stump

Big! Bottom swing! Big bottom! Swinga-linga!
Big! Bottom swing! Big bottom! Swinga-linga!

It’s blubbery, Burberry baby!
It’s blubbery, Burberry!

Big! Bop! Be-bop! Be-bop-be!
Boppa-loola!

Big! Bop! Be-bop! Be-bop-be!
Boppa-loola!

In terrylene tartan lady!
In terrylene tartan lady!

Big! Bottom swing! Big bottom! Swinga-linga!
Big! Bottom swing! Big bottom! Swinga-linga!

How much is the fish? How much is the fish?
How much is the chips? Does the fish have chips?

HOW MUCH IS THE FISH!? HOW MUCH IS THE CHIPS!?
HOW MUCH IS THE FISH!? DOES THE FISH HAVE CHIPS!?

I don’t want a drink but I’ll go to the bar,
I’d go for a walk but I ain’t got a car,

Exclamation mark kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick,
Exclamation mark ex-exclamation mark kick kick kick kick kick kick kick,

I like when it’s different but it’s just not the same,
(I like when it’s different but it’s just not the same)
The weather is perfect except for the rain,
(The weather is perfect except for the rain)

Big! Bottom swing! Big bottom! Swinga-linga!
Big! Bottom swing! Big bottom! Swinga-linga!

Immaculate molars baby!
Immaculate molars baby!

Big! Bottom swing! Big bottom! Swinga-linga!
Big! Bottom swing! Big bottom! Swinga-linga!

How much is the fish?
How much is the fish?
Don’t mention hamburgers Harry!
And for god’s sake don’t (phase?)
I forgot the toothpaste!
Waiter! Waiter!
(Incomprehensible)
I forgot the toothpaste!
I forgot the toothpaste!
Waiter!
(Incomprehensible)
What’dya mean I have to queue?
I packed your suitcase Marilyn!
Look! There’s a Libyan!
(Incomprehensible)
How much is the fish?
How much is the fish?
How much is the fish?
How do I get off the bus?
How do I get off the bus?
Don’t mention hamburgers Harry!
Is that the Queen’s house?
I’ll have some bitters please!
(Incomprehensible)
Don’t mention hamburgers Harry!
I’ve forgotten the toothpaste!
Waiter! Waiter! Waiter!
HOW DO I GET OFF THE BUS!?!?

Make a daft noise for Easter

Penitet me.

Vide equus meus. Mirum est equum! Degustabis equus meus…

Sicut fructus uva passa gustat!

Quam cum iubis fit equum demulceri volatilis apparatus. Transfiguration Et vice versa cum trahitur phallus!

Obscena quod!

Ita putas? Non ego te certiorem unde fetus facta est sucus. Sucis dulcus. Sucis dulcus. Sucis dulcus. Sucis dulcus!

Adepto in equum et ducam per totum mundum et ceteris omnibus!

Corrigendus est me vobis. Totum continetur totius mundi…

Mulier taceat! Adepto in meus equum!

SPISPOPD

We can’t stop here, this is mondegreen country…

While we’re on the subject of Disarm, I discovered the other day that the song does not go…

…bitterness, the one whose laugh I loathe…

and in fact goes

…bitterness, the one who’s left alone…

Billy Corgan is clearly nowhere near the songwriter that I imagined him to be 😀

Listen and Learn

I’m talkin’ to you baby! I’m talkin’ to you sugar!

All you people listenin’ tonight! Yes I’m that preacher everybody’s talking about! I’m Doctor Williams givin’ out them red hot lessons, ten dollars, New York and New Jersey every week, all the way down the east coast! From Boston clean down to Atlanta Georgia last week! I told down the east coast!

Do somethin’ to help you, do somethin’ to help yourself!

Come get your mojo hey! Go down Atlantic City and be a winner! Go down to Atlantic City come back fat as a rat! Why should you be a loser when you can be a winner? Yes ma’am, yes sir!

Brooklyn New York! Brooklyn New York! Get ready! Doctor Williams will be in Brooklyn New York, tomorrow evening, Monday evening, 6 pm until 8 pm. I’m talkin’ to the hot red hot big money blessing straight! And you be there 6 o’clock tomorrow evening!

Bronx New York! Get on the telephone and call 50 of your friends! Tell all your friends who need some help! Doctor Williams is comin’ to the Bronx New York! Doctor Williams is comin’ to the Bronx New York!

Doctor Williams will be in the Bronx New York with a straight, straight hot! Hot hot hot hot! Red hot! Big money blessing! Can’t nobody can stop me! Not even the dead in hell can’t stop me!

I’ll get ready to leave tonight! I want you to know, I love you! I’m talkin’ to you baby! I’m talkin’ to you sugar! Listen, Doctor William’s car comin’ down man! I love you! I love you!

I have a special phone number, where you can call me, so that I can send you a special gift…

(Listen)

From the Historical to the Stupid

I’m in a moat?

I’m on a goat m**********r take a look at me!
Straight riding on a goat, that’s spelt g-o-a-t!
You know it’s real ’cause my ride is chewing on my coat!
You can’t stop me m**********r ’cause I’m on a goat!

I’m on a goat and, it’s going fast and,
It ate my nautical themed pashmina afghan!

I can’t write any more of this god-damned drivel! Good night!! ;D

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