Category: Books and Literature

Some Notes

1: Brumby’s – Having one product labeled “Cheese and Bacon Roll” and another labeled “Roll – Bacon and Cheese” is just asking for trouble.

2: Just finished Anno Dracula 1918 – The Bloody Red Baron and it’s auxiliary content. Richard the Third!? I didn’t see that coming!

3: There are days when I’d really like to be a Water Bear

Lovecraft World Redux

Long time readers may remember my post about Lovecraft World, the fictional Cthulhu Mythos theme park I did a TAFE assignment about way back in the heady days of the late 1990s. This was a theoretical amusement park that really tried to get into the spirit of Lovecraft’s oeuvre by killing, maiming and driving-into-insanity it’s patrons in the manner of a particularly bleak and bloodthirsty Disneyland where Mickey has fangs and tentacles.

Well, it turns out that Lovecraft world wasn’t entirely a product of my imagination, as it seems to have manifested itself in late 70’s New Jersey in the form of Action Park.

Attractions at Action park included…

  • An Alpine slide cart ride with two speeds – abysmally slow and “death awaits”.
  • A skateboard park so badly built that it was closed and filled in after one season.
  • Go carts that were used as 80kmph bumper cars and gassed their riders into unconsciousness.
  • Tanks that could shoot high velocity tennis balls at each other or, more often, park employees.
  • Speedboats that raced around a snake infested pond at dangerous speeds.
  • Bumper boats that raced around a second snake infested pond and randomly sprayed petrol over their pilots.
  • A bungee cord slingshot ride that induced whiplash.
  • An enclosed water slide that did a vertical loop, resulting in facial and back injuries and the occasional trapping of patrons.
  • A wave pool so terrifying that people got injured just trying to get out of it.
  • A whitewater ride with an electrified riverbed.
  • A tarzan swing with water so cold that it caused paralysis and heart attacks.
  • A raft ride that often dislocated and broke limbs.
  • A second raft ride that took patrons through a pitch dark tunnel, lined with sharp rocks.
  • A diving attraction that allowed patrons to plummet seven metres down onto unsuspecting swimmers.
  • A ride where patrons were skimmed over a shallow, concrete lined pool at high speed. If they sat exactly right, and weren’t hit by other patrons.
  • A skydiving simulator that severed nerves.

I am speechless. Abdul Alhazred would be proud!

Tyra Banks is the Mind Killer

I have a high tolerance for crap. I mean I listen to the Legendary Stardust Cowboy for entertainment. I would happily watch Manos: The Hands of Fate without the MST3K commentary. But man…

Recently I’ve been listening to a very entertaining new podcast on the subject of medical history named Sawbones. Hosted by Dr Sydnee McElroy and her husband Justin, each episode covers a medical misconception that killed and maimed tens of thousands of innocent people over hundreds of years. Given that biology, medicine, history and insane extremes of human behaviour are favourite subjects of mine, I actually already know upwards of 80% of what they discuss, but I enjoy their presentation and interaction and as such have become a dedicated listener.

Over the weekend I discovered that they used to do another podcast, a TV oriented show named Satellite Dish. I checked out a few episodes and quite enjoyed them, so I subscribed. But then… oh the horror!

The last three episodes of Satellite Dish consists of Sydnee explaining to Justin the plot of Tyra Banks’ novel Modelland. I listened to the first of these yesterday, and it damn near killed me.

I don’t mean I almost died laughing. I mean the sheer inanity/insanity of the plot made me feel physically ill. My brain went into some kind of infinite loop trying to reconcile the plot with some semblance of reality or common sense, and crashed. By the end of the episode I was on the verge of a migraine headache and had to have a lie down. TYRA BANKS KILLED MY BRAIN!

I have stared into the abyss and it defeated me. I now understand what people mean on Reddit when they reply with “This post gave me cancer”.

I have deleted parts two and three of the review from my computer and have no intention of ever listening to them. The rest of Satellite Dish I have no problem with – I’m listening to an episode right now – but the final three are forever verbotten. Tyra Banks is the mind killer, and I have no intention of letting her particular brand of insanity pass through me ever again. Yeesh!

The Gods Hate Trees!

I’m quite ill at the moment, which is probably why I think this is an amusing idea…

Westeros Baptist Church

News Release

THANK THE SEVEN FOR THE DEATH OF JOFFREY BARATHEON!
WBC TO PICKET THE FUNERAL OF ‘KING’ JOFFREY
The Royal Court is classifying the death of Joffrey Baratheon as an assassination orchestrated by Tyrion ‘The Imp’ Lannister, but the fact is THE SEVEN POISONED HIS CHALICE. How many more terrifying ways will you have the Seven injure and kill your fellow Andals because you insist on tolerating race-dooming, filthy, tree worship?! The Seven placed their stars on the forehead of Hugor of the Hill and commanded submission, not supplication of trees, drowned corpses and demonic fire gods, and will take vengeance! The Baratheons invited special wrath with their willful association with heathen Northmen and Ironmen and blasphemous pagans from across the Narrow Sea. As a direct result of this continuing slide towards depravity the Seven sent poisoned wine to the royal wedding feast. Your callous, defiant sin now leaves the Seven Kingdoms without a Ruler! SEE YE THE BLADE AND WHO HATH WEILDED IT Westeros! What sorrow! What lamentation! What Woe!

THE GODS HATE TREES!

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