Author: Purple Wyrm

Found a huge box of sequins. No idea what to do with them. Any suggestions?
Dump them over the head of a local politician to turn them gay!

Who believes in flat earth?
Religious nuts, the overly credulous, and people with spatial reasoning impairments.

Who’s the most physically beautiful/handsome comedian?
Aisling Bea. I will brook no argument on this point!

If you met people who think Star Wars is real would you reconsider your own beliefs?
My belief that there’s a basic level of intelligence that humans cannot exist below? Sure!

If everyone came with a warning label, what would yours say?
PARANOID. SUSPICIOUS. EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED. ONE OF THE FREAKS.

Why is the Primarch Magnus called the red?
Because he supports redistribution of wealth and the dictatorship of the proletariat.

Why didn’t Glinda the Good Witch tell Dorothy how to get home in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz?
She needed an easily disposable patsy from out of town to do her dirty work.

Which countries could outmatch the other’s if there was a drinking Olympics?
Russia would sweep the pool, throw up in it, then fall in and drown.

What are some holistic practices for treating melanoma?
Meditation. It will help you remain calm while you die from an entirely treatable cancer.

How can you not be a teacher/cop with a felony in the US, but trump can be president with 34 of them?
Trump is much richer than a teacher or cop!

If we do live in a simulation, what are we simulating?
Hell!

Out of the 8.2 billion people on Earth, what do you think no one is doing right now?
Boiling a lamb and a turtle in a brass pot

What are some fun things to do with children?
Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew!

Whose death made you happy?
Each man’s death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind. But Tony Alamo can shuck whelks in hell.

Do you ever wonder if the entire human experience is experienced by one soul who is traveling between different bodies in random time periods until it finally ends after dying in the last body?
Well I do now!

How were you different 5 years ago? How do you think you will be different in the next 5 years?
• Less weight, more hair.
• More weight, less hair.

Why are you not upset that the person you voted for in the primaries, whether they won or not, isn’t who is representing the party, instead the leaders told you who would be representing you?
What’s the weather like in Vladivostok this time of year?

What’s something you do at church you can’t do at home?
Consume the flesh and blood of a god!

What, in your opinion, is the most fundamental difference between the United States and other countries?
The United States is significantly more religious than other Western nations.

Where the freaky ass hoes?
In the freaky ass garden shed

How do you end a relationship?
Murder a vagrant, put their body in your house, torch the place, then leave town.

Whats a random life hack you think everyone should know?
If you lie down on the floor at McDonalds you get to meet the manager

How can you solve a pigeon problem next to your apartment?
Dump a truckload of bird seed on the other side of town.

Which TV character did you have a crush on?
I pretty much exclusively have crushes on TV characters. A lot less emotional mess to deal with than with real people.

What’s the most unexpected thing a video game has taught you?
Playing Fallout games for hundreds of hours has given me a much better grasp of the general layout of Boston, Washington DC and the Mojave desert.

How would you explain the difference between left and right wing to someone who don’t know politics?
Right: Believes in immutable hierarchies passed down from on high.
Left: Believes in modifiable hierarchies built from the ground up.

Males who say how they like average looking females, why is that? Srs bro its not a win move to chase average, its for pathetic desperate fappers so why not spend your life on something better, like where is your self respect after all?
You’re aware that Andrew Tate is a deeply closeted, self-hating, gay man, right?

What your opinion on nuking a hurricane?
It vastly overestimates the power of nuclear weapons while vastly underestimating the power of major storm systems.

How will things get worse in the next 5 years?
The climate’s going to hell, so there’s that to look forward to.

You can now change your car’s lock/unlock sound from “Beep” to anything, just like phone’s your ringtone or notification tone. What are you choosing for your car?
Andrew Eldritch shrieking INCOMING! from the end of Ribbons by the Sisters of Mercy

What is a socially accepted behavior today that will likely be considered completely immoral or absurd in 50 years?
Passing laws about what bathrooms people are allowed to use based on their genitals.

What influencer isn’t actually influencing?
Everyone who walks into a restaurant and tries to score free food by saying they’ll post about it.

What would be the most horrific animals/insects to combine into a new species?
A scorpion and a hawk. You’re minding your own business, walking down the street, when a Scorpion-Hawk swoops down and punches its stinger through the back of your skull.

How well does Elon Musks’s body type do against car crashes?
Depends whether it’s a modern vehicle with crumple zones and other pedestrian safety features, or a poorly constructed hunk of crap like a cybertruck.

If you could change something in the textbooks that detail the past and everybody would believe it, how would you rewrite history?
“Due to a complicated series of political compromises a walrus was elected mayor of Bruges in July 1594 and was still in the position at least as late as December when records indicate five barrels of Norwegian pollock were secured to provide the Mayor with a Christmas feast.”

Which tool is very useful for content writing?
Your brain.

Whats the best way to succeed in life?
Phase 1: Crush your enemies
Phase 2: See them driven before you
Phase 3: Hear the lamentations of their women
Phase 4: ????
Phase 5: Profit!!!

What will happen when the last digit of Pi is calculated?
The universe will crash and have to be restored from backup

If you had a theme song, what would it be?
I think Masonna’s version of Wonderwall sums me up pretty nicely.

What happened to Non Fungiuble Tokens?
They got funged and all the people who invested in them got blinded by lasers.

Why can’t an anime be called a cartoon?
It can, and anyone who gets bent out of shape about it needs to get a life.

What common ‘life hack’ is actually dangerous but everyone keeps sharing?
Not only will replacing all your blood with Listerine not cure your acne, it has a number of significant downsides that you may not have thought of.

If you had to replace one of your body parts with the body part of any other non-primate animal what would it be?
I’d replace one of my kidneys with that of a Komodo Dragon and become immune to scurvy!

When is your birthday?
The day I was born! Duh!

What is something you can’t understand?
How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand.

Why did Vulkan leave the Imperium, is he stupid?
No stupider than any other Primarch. Which is to say “yes”.

If you had a clone, what would be the first thing you would do together?
“So I’m just gonna leave”
“OK”

Males who call religions cope yet are pro fap, how come that? seriously guys only beta males fap, its a lame ass cope like religions and having faith in imaginary friend, so why not reject both feces like an adult alpha would?
Anyone serious about rejecting feces would start with Andrew Tate.

How would you dispose of a bag of meat roughly 2 meters long weighing about 81 kilograms without it being discovered?
Eat it!

What’s stopping you from invading Poland?
I don’t have time to invade European nations!

What will it take for Shaggy to get in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
He needs to ditch those mystery solving hangers-on and their stupid dog.

What is like today that people 15 years ago would never believe?
Billionaires are investing mind-bogglingly vast amounts of money in machines that tell people to put glue on pizza.

Why can’t we, like, just get along, man?
He’s trying to make us get along! Break his legs!

If you could invent a new flavor of ice cream, what would it be?
Chicken

What’s your thoughts on treatment of ganglion cyst by homeopathy?
You might as well do a voodoo dance.

If Trump loses, what do you think the 2028 election would look like?
The Republicans will get the Supreme Court to rule that the Constitution says nothing about the President having to be alive and nominate Trump’s embalmed corpse.

What are good conversations topics to have with the bros?
• How about that local sports team then?
• Do you like stuff?
• Can you think of any three integers that satisfy the equation an + bn = cn for any integer value of n greater than 2?

Who is the Judge?
Pigmeat Markham

Non Americans. How do you live without air conditioning?
I’m far too busy struggling to survive in the third world hellhole that everywhere outside of the United States is to worry about air conditioning!

What would you do if you were US president for a term?
Issue a new Executive Order every day, each one crazier than the last!

Closed, silent and mysterious people, what is your secret?
Avoidant Personality Disorder!

What are some advantages of living in the US compared to European countries like Norway, Germany, Sweden etc.?
It’s much easier to keep a loaded handgun where your toddler can find it!

What do you call a man that is acting like a hoe?
Doug! b-dum tsh!

People who grew up in a hoarder house hold, how are you now?
Cheerfully working on my hoarder apartment!

What are the essential qualities of a great leader?
• Crispy edges
• Freshly prepared pasta sheets
• High quality meat
• A creamy parmesan sauce
Or maybe that’s a great lasagna? I forget…

What’s the most embarrassing reason to go to the hospital?
Having something stuck up your butt that genuinely got there by accident.

What do you think of modern day women/girls? Are they worth marrying?
By “modern day” do you mean “won’t shut their damn mouths and stay in the kitchen like a good tradwife”? Because that’s the vibe you’re giving.

Best song lyrics for: melancholy, motivation, love, and revenge. What are your four?

It seems no one can help me now, I’m in too deep, there’s no way out, this time I have really led myself astray
— “Runaway Train”, Soul Asylum

I can see a new horizon underneath the blazin’ sky, I’ll be where the eagle’s flying higher and higher
— “St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)”, John Parr

The north star in the firmament, you shine the most bright, I’ve seen you draped in an electric veil, shrouded in celestial light
— “Shining Light”, Ash

You’ll hear me howl by the light of the moon, That’s how you’ll know that I’m coming for you, Gonna find you alone in the dark of night, When the World Ender comes better run for your life
— “The World Ender”, Lord Huron

What are some good careers for lazy, unintelligent and incompetent people?
Candidates for the Republican party!

What caused you trauma in life?
Well it started when I was born and hasn’t let up since.

What is something you will take to your grave irl?
My skull! No one’s getting my skull damnit!

What you change or add to the 10 Commandments?
11: C’mon!

What do you think of Elon Musk?
He’s the kind of person who thinks that money is intelligence.

Who is the greatest musician of all time?
Shooby Taylor, the Human Horn!

What games you think shouldn’t be included in the Olympics?
I know it’ll pull Canada down in the medal tally, but competitive seal clubbing should be outlawed!

What would happen if we made a new language where all words have only 1 meaning and no synonyms?
Poetry and literature would become extremely boring.

If we met on a train what would be your opening line for a conversation?
“How’s about you kill my father and I’ll kill your wife!”

What is your average sleep time?
Not enough.

Why would making a Universal Basic Income from a genius exploiting stock patterns like the Warhammer Emperor benefit or hurt society?
I confess myself not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.

Which famous Halloween event takes place in Salem, Massachusetts?
The annual deathclaw hunt

What happens if you apply heat to a dried nail polish remover spill?
Nothing good.

What’s the worst way to spend a thousand dollars?
Penny Whistles and Moon Pies!

You will get $5 million, if you fight 2 rounds no holds barred with Mike Tyson in his prime, what is your strategy?
Run around and around and around the ring in the hope that he chases me and has a cardiac arrest.

If Appalachian hillbillies and Ozark hillbillies went to war who would win?
Depends on whether the Appalachians could convince Mothman and/or Sheepsquatch to join the fight and neutralize the Ozark Howler.

What’s something incredibly common now that would’ve blown people’s minds 20 years ago?
Fascism!

Do you prefer clubbing or house parties? And why?
Clubbing. The baby seals are just asking for it!

If You Could Pick Any 3 skills to master instantly, what would they be?
• Time Management
• Playing Guitar
• Counting
• Small Talk

What’s your recipe for shrimp guys?
Jeff Goldblum, a prawn and an experimental teleportation system.

Where to get a thermal printer for toilet paper?
Isn’t that what they use to print the receipts at CVS?

What do young people (15 – 25 y.o.) living in real distant and/or rural areas do for fun?
Drink and burn things

What would you do if you went out on a date and your date brought their mom or dad with them?
How hot is the mom or dad?

What real-life celebrity could actually survive in the woods without electricity or internet?
_{Shia LaBeouf}

What guys think? Is Elon Musk the real life Bruce Wayne or Lex Luthor?
He’s not smart enough to be either.

What happened to Tim Hortons?
They went seriously downhill after a strike team from Wendy’s broke into their corporate offices and did an exorcism on the Ouija board they were using to run business decisions past Tim.

What Movie/TV universe are you living in if given the choice?
The Orville. A post scarcity, post-capitalist, high tech society with interstellar space flight, less sanctimony than Star Trek and hot brunette chicks who could snap me like a twig.

How do you keep chickens warm in the winter without any electric lines ran to the coop?
Shove a cow in there.

How do you feel about hawk tuah skibidi?
Daddy, chill!

God killed every first born child in Egypt because the Pharaoh wouldn’t do what he wanted. Why didn’t God just kill the Pharaoh instead?
Look, you’re never going to understand religion if you keep applying logic to it!

What’s your favorite recreational drug?
The true black meat – the flesh of the giant, aquatic, Brazilian centipede!

What’s your favourite potato?
Topato. He is made of poison!

What makes you anxious?
Being awake

In which tense are the majority of your conscious thoughts?
First person plural

What would happen if Elon Musk bought every single social media platform and dating app?
The living would envy the dead

If you could spend a week in the loneliest house in Iceland, what would you bring with you and why?
Lots of blankets and pillows to build a fort!

Wait, what just happened?
We switched over to the Age of Aquarius. Shit’s gonna get real now!

How do you feel about smoking?
One of the dumbest things humans have ever done to ourselves.

What’s a simple life hack everyone should know?
If you lie down on the floor at McDonalds you get to meet the manager.

What are things no human has ever seen?
The majestic dance of the triceratops!

Hey, what do you think about scientists discovering dark oxygen?
It’s just a phase!

What are your thoughts on salad?
You don’t make friends with salad!

If you press ALL of your keys on your keyboard all at the exact same time, what letter/number/character would be first to register?
The dread sigil Odegra from the language of the Dark Priesthood of Ancient Mu

How would you react if the next James Bond was a South Asian orphan growing up in London?
I wouldn’t care

How satisfied are you?
I can’t get no satisfaction and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

What’re your thoughts on having a popular vote rather than an electoral college vote?
You mean overturn the body established as a barely-workable compromise by a bunch of bickering 18th century slave owners? Are you a COMMUNIST!?

When Batman bends the rifle in The Dark Knight, didn’t the person holding it need to be super strong too?
We’re talking about a billionaire who not only cares about poor people, but goes out to fight crime for them dressed up as a bat. The laws of reality do not apply.

What would you do if you were the king or queen of the forest?
Hollow out a giant tree and live in it with a bunch of owls.

What would happen if all the womens were vanished from the planet earth only mens?
The living would envy the dead

What’s worse, Simps or Incels?
Anyone who unironically uses the term “simp” is an incel.

What’s the run of the mill non hard drug you’ve been addicted to the hardest?
If I don’t have a cola first thing in the morning I get a headache that makes me want to pull my eyes out.

What are some nice legal ways to get high?
Wait until you hit 45 then stand up quickly.

Whats your favorite energy drink?
Lombardi! MILFs love it!

What are the pros and cons of drinking Gatorade?
Pro: Extra hydration
Con: Thirsty alligators

Explain why do you think god has nose?
God is he with no horse, no wife, no mustache and no nose.

You wake up to find that everyone in the world can hear your thoughts for 24 hours. What’s your next move?
Tenser, said the Tensor,
Tenser, said the Tensor,
Tension, apprehension and dissension have begun,

People who don’t wanna have kids why?
Children are loud, smelly, dirty, undisciplined, needy and expensive. If I wanted that in my life I’d get a dog.

What can a single old retired antisocial man do for rest of his life?
Yell at the local kids. It’s traditional!

What are jobs where you travel to different countries?
International drug mule

If we do actually live in a simulation, what normal, everyday thing is probably just a glitch we got used to?
Everyone having to shut down for 8 to 10 hours out of each 24.

What does depression feel like for you?
Tiredness, emptiness, and a complete disinterest in doing anything at all.

Why can straight women sleep in the same bed but straight men can’t?
Because traditional western masculinity is pants-shittingly terrified of even the slightest hint of male homosexuality.

What are your thoughts on Mr Fantastic being portrayed by a gay actor in the Fantastic 4 reboot?
Unless they’re making the character gay, I don’t care. And even then I barely care.

What kind of person enjoys Moxie?
Moxie was never intended to be consumed by humans. It was developed as a food substitute for the molemen living below Lowell Massachusetts. Millions of gallons are produced each year for export to the United Moleman Republic with limited quantities sold to the general public as a smokescreen.

How can humans train turtles to become ninja turtles?
Unfortunately turtles lack the speed and coordination necessary to master the art of ninjitsu. If your heart is set on training reptilian ninjas I’d look at skinks instead.

What does the Vice President do in the USA?
The duties of the Vice President are to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate and protect the space-time continuum.

What’s the point of getting in shape?
You’ll live longer and probably feel a bit better about things.

What would happen if a tornado was nuked? Would it still be active?
The explosion would almost certainly kill the tornado, but the effects of the explosion would be worse than anything the tornado could possibly do.

You get the powers of spider-man what are you doing with them?
Starting a wrestling career!

What are some thoughts about where the mind goes when falling asleep?
Nowhere, it just shuts down for maintenance.

What did teenagers in the 90s do in their free time?
Go to the movies, hang out at each other’s houses playing computer games, congregate in gangs around post offices and war memorials, that kind of stuff.

If you could magically communicate with any animal, which one would you choose and why?
Ravens. It would be cool to chat and exchange gifts of small, shiny objects.

What if one day, God just descended and casually said, ‘By the way, it’s pronounced “Jod”‘ and then walked away?
KNEEL BEFORE JOD!

How can you be sure that the world exists outside of what you have seen with your own eyes?
Who would bother go to all the effort to deceive me about it?

What would you do if Kim Jong-un gave you 1 million USD and asked you to be loyal to him forever?
I’d tell him to go ride a unicorn.

What’s your first move on a date?
Hyperventilate and collapse.

People not from the US, what does our country look like to you right now?
Like it’s merrily spiraling towards destruction.

Why might it just be possible that Biden is working for Trump who’s working behind the scenes to defeat America’s enemies after which Biden will reveal that he’s been pretending to be president at Trump’s behest and will hand back the office to Trump to usher in a period of peace and prosperity?
Put down the bong and go to bed

How does one dress to a medical assistance in dying get-together?
Black robe, skull mask and scythe. Set the mood right from the start.

What is it with all the chicken?
Eating dinosaur meat asserts our position as lords of the Earth.

You’ve just been elected Supreme Ruler of Earth, where would you locate yourself in the world?
In kilometre tall tower of basalt constructed on the south pole!

Why are you answering this question?
I’m not

What is something that ancient Romans can do but the United States can’t?
Harvest silphium.

State your gender and on a scale of one to ten how shy are you around the opposite sex
Male and about 144 on a good day.

What do you think of France?
I have no objection to France.

What should be put/drawn on a white hat with nothing on it?
Dickbutt!

What type of person would you become if you had $10 Billion?
A generous one. Ten million dollars is more than enough to live a life of fabulous comfort and luxury, so I’d give the rest of it away to charities.

What are your thoughts on demonic possession and selling one’s soul?
If a demon wants to live in my head it better pay rent!

If you had a gang in the wild west, what would you call it?
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

What’s currently stopping you from going for a swim in the ocean right now?
If I appeared in public in a swimsuit someone would call the tactical response group.

What are your thoughts on ChatGPT?
A pattern imitation machine with all the intelligence of a corn chip.

Why did God create you?
To serve as a dire and terrible example

What would happen if you changed your legal name to Napoleon Bonaparte?
People would laugh at you

What kinds of things do guys like to hear during sex?
The deafening roar of a ocean liner’s engine room at full speed as the ship battles a winter storm on the freezing north Atlantic.

If you had 24 hours to do anything without consequences, what would you do?
Sleep in.

People sitting in your cars at a local park, what are you doing there?
Monitoring for cross-dimensional incursions.

What do you get from mixing M&M’s with Skittles?
Ptomaine poisoning

How did the British Empire conquer so much of the world?
A combination of an extremely powerful navy and a determination to grab all the land before the French could.

What do you think makes The Simpsons’ predictions so accurate?
The fact that half of them are fakes made up after the fact by ‘content creators’.

Are there any downsides to AI controlled Medbeds?
It’s great that my cancer is gone, but why do I suddenly have twenty fingers on each hand?

What if this entire planet and all of our problems are just a TV show for some other galaxy?
I, for one, would like to speak to my writer.

Why America is the greatest country in the world?
Because Americans have the FREEDOM to go into bankruptcy for basic medical care!

If you were to choose between becoming a cheeseburger or hamburger which one would you choose and why?
Hamburger. Cheeseburg has terrible public transport.

What do you think about the fact that cancer and there are many diseases that exist in the form of poison and if the Government can’t poison or beat you, they will force you to go into military service then the military will kill you to balance human population?
I think you should put down the bong and go to bed.

What were your house chores as a child?
Nothing! Which is why I’m now a lazy, middle-aged slob!

What is your battery percentage right now?
My phone: 100%
Me, personally: About -400%

Why aren’t more people angered at public displays of affection?
Because they’re normal human beings rather than some kind of weird goblin-creature?

If you suddenly moved from your city to rural with poor education and no like minded friends and extremely unsupportive parents what would you do?
Start burning things.

What is the most trivial thing about which you have a strong opinion?
Anyone who doesn’t know the difference between a blimp and a zeppelin needs to go back to school!

What are the signs someone found you attractive?
If I ever see any I’ll let you know.

What are some of the wildest and most extreme sexual dares you’ve heard of or can think of?
Dares are stupid. Sexual dares doubly so.

What vessel do you think lasagna should be served in?
A warp 8 capable starship.

A stranger approaches you and says, “There are bugs under your skin! Get them out!”. What do you say?
“Don’t tell me what to do with my bugs!”

What comes to your mind if you think about Switzerland?
Cows, cheese and nuclear bunkers.

What is going to happen to your wealth after you die?
Get a load of the guy with wealth!

What do you think your neighbors think of you?
“He always seemed so quiet”

If you wanted to help stone age people develop, what tool would you bring back in time?
Forget tools, I’d bring them a potato.

What are some German traditions?
Not talking about what your grandparents got up to between 1933 and 1945.

Whate is your nick name?
No, “Whate” is NOT my nickname!

What does “ilytbwikht” stand for?
“I love your totally bitchin’ walrus, I kiss his tusks”

At what age do men and women become sexually unattractive, and why?
In my case I think it was instant at birth.

How tall are you?
Taller than a penguin, shorter than a lamp post

What can you do that no one else can?
Pull my nose off my nasal septum by muscle action alone!

What did you want to be as a kid and what are you now?
• A Priest
• Depressed

If you could have a lifetime supply of any item that costs less than $5, what would you choose?
Dollar bills

Why the hell are there gender neutral names?
Are you scared that you might end up having sex with the wrong kind of genitals because you can’t tell who has what organs without a conveniently gendered name to tell you?

What do you think is causing the younger generation to be so sad and lonely?
A combination of social media algorithms and looming climate/ecosystem collapse!

Someone approaches you at the grocery store and with a serious voice says “You have 48 hrs to eliminate this target than give you and name and address than says OR ELSE what are you doing?
I’d make them sit down and call an ambulance, as they’re clearly having a stroke.

What are the signs that you’re uglier than you think?
I’m not sure it’s actually possible to be uglier than I think I am.

How likely is it that someone says a completely unique sentence that no one else has ever said?
It’s pretty simple to come up with a unique sentence my tart and delectable bird squirter.

Why would someone who is comfortable but not rich have a desire to give other people money?
Because they aren’t a total sociopath and have people in their life they care about?

What is your first thought of the name ‘Tizzy’ for a baby boy?
That you’re some kind of insane person.

Dark Lords, what is there left to do when the entire world is already a blasted wasteland of jagged black rocks, lava flows, and perpetual darkness under your control?
Dance!

Imagine there are no boundaries—no laws, no rules, no morality. In this world, you can do anything, and no one will ever know or judge you. What’s the first thing you’d do, and what would it feel like to finally have no consequences?
I’d sleep in.

What’s the most overatted movie ever?
Hard to choose between Willard (1971) and Ratatouille (2007)

What would you say is the purpose of your life?
To serve as a stern and terrible warning

What unit counters rhino cavalry?
A troupe of Belgian journalists with hand drills and dynamite

What is the greatest question ever asked?
ARE FEET SHOES?

Which one does Elon Musk remind you of, Tony Stark or Justin Hammer?
Tony Stark, but minus the intelligence and charisma and with his alcohol abuse swapped out for ketamine.

What are your thoughts about the idea that a flat-earther should automatically be considered functionally illiterate?
Not functionally illiterate, just severely spatially challenged.

How would one go be safe going into jail for the first time?
On your first day find the biggest, meanest looking guy and do everything you can to avoid ever antagonising him.

What’s something you can turn on but isn’t a device?
Your allies

If the economy collapsed today, how prepared are you and your family to survive?
Oh, I’d be dead in about ten minutes.

Why do you bother going on?
I haven’t learned everything yet

What are the signs that a person is in love with you?
I wouldn’t have the faintest idea!

What would you do if you had all the time in the world?
Get some sleep

What things are good about Elon Musk?
He can never be president! Until he pays off the Supreme Court anyway…

Seriously, what would you do if someone put their foot on your armrest in a flight?
Attempt to steal their shoe. If they’re not wearing a shoe I’d start sucking their toes.

Why are you so stupid?
I am a glorified monkey trying to navigate a complicated world with a brain designed for eating berries in a cave.

What’s up with hay guys trying to trick straight guys?
You mean like farmers?

Why isn’t the Large Hadron Collider used for public executions?
The Large Hadron Collider is a highly calibrated scientific instrument. Shoving people inside it will screw up the experimental data.

Do you think of yourself as a leader or as a collaborator?
I prefer to think of myself as an obstacle.

What makes you feel awkward?
Existing.

What kind of person drives a Tesla Cybertruck?
Someone with a bank-balance to IQ ratio of several million.

What are the reasons to invest in a Futures Market?
Well, we are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives! And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future!

Who watches the Watchmen?
I dunno, the Coastguard?

How do we fully utilize AI technology so people don’t have to work anymore?
Not possible. The rich bastards developing AI will simply use it to automate stuff so they can pay the rest of us even less.

How do you describe a turtle to someone who hasn’t ever seen a turtle before?
A lizard wearing a pancake

If you could live anywhere on Earth, where would it be?
In a series of tunnels carved out of a mountain in Antarctica

Why do you think will happen in the November US election?
Nothing good.

What’s the worst thing you can find in an abandoned well?
A multi-eyed toad thing guarding the treasure of an Abbot.

Why do you think other first world countries have failed to produce a leader as strong and respectable as Vladimir Putin in the 21st Century?
*laughs hysterically*

What would be the perfect afterlife for you?
Sleeping in a big, comfy bed, occasionally waking up and listening to the pounding rain outside for a minute before rolling over and going back to sleep, for a few billion years.

If you live alone, do you sleep with the bedroom door open or closed and what’s the reason?
Open so I can make sure my appliances aren’t plotting against me

How does one lose 10kg in 7 days?
Amputate your legs

When you’re home alone, do you always wash your hands after using the bathroom?
Yes, because gastroenteritis often offends.

What do you think of wokevangelicals?
I like throwing together a stir-fry as much as the next guy, but I wouldn’t be nuts enough to start a religion about it.

How do you predict the world to be like 20 years from now?
Hotter, more crowded and even less equitable.

How is babby formed?
Can I make my own wedgie board or do I have to buy one from a witch or vegan?

What makes a man manly?
Travellin’ over this vast and mighty land, with a great big leather man!

What do you think about cigarettes?
Death sticks for the easily manipulated.

Medals are getting expensive, and you’re in charge of cost cutting at the Olympics. What low value prizes are winners now getting?
First place gets a live turkey, second place gets a live chicken and third place gets a live duck, all to do with as they see fit.

What is better regular water or sparkling water?
Regular. Sparkling water tastes like ferret piss.

What’s something people should be judged for doing?
Putting bandanas on their dogs.