With Thanks to John Alison

Evolving from apes is nice but what animal do you wish we would have evolved from?
L. Ron Hubbard said we evolved from clams! (Or possibly intergalactic walruses – I can’t quite remember…)

What is the first rule of fight club?
Don’t tell Ed Norton that he and Tyler are the same person. It just upsets him.

You are allowed to make one law which the human race must obey from now until the end of time. What law do you pass?
At sunrise on New Years Day everyone must gather in the streets and sing the Pina Collada Song, with improvised hand movements.

What rules are stupid and unnecessary?
Not allowing horses on freeways. If I want to barrel a six horse chariot down the intestate while guzzling wine and shooting an AK in the air while shouting “FOR THE GLORY OF CAESAR!” I should be allowed to damnit!!

What happens if you use steroids just once?
Your testicles implode.

Through the great unknown you’re given a chance to eradicate one or the other – Cancer or Racism. Which one do you choose?
Can we compromise and just give all racists cancer?

You just got elected Pope. What do you do as your first reform of the Catholic faith?
Replace the seal of the confessional with a sea lion that loudly barks to alert the police if anyone confesses to sex crimes.

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?
Jason and the Argonauts, twenty pounds of macadamia nuts, the Ides of March, the White House China Room, God knows, with great difficulty.

Where do you like to hide out when checking out teens in the morning?
In the back of my specially modified van!

You’ve invented a time machine. What do you do?
Convince Hitler not to name his party the National Socialists and hence massively improve modern twitter discourse.

What’s the most fabulous thing ever?
Pickle Surprise!

What do you think will be the next event that will change life as we know it?
When the Necro-Mantis come
From the deep primeval scum
Making love to everyone…

What is the funniest scene David Attenborough could narrate?
Trump unwrapping and eating a cheeseburger

What is your opinion on weeaboos?
I think if we waste any more time on them we’ll be bankrupt by the end of the month!

What should every 18-year-old know?
The difference between turtles and tortoises.

What about terrapins?
You must be 21!

What do you envy about another country that isn’t your own?
Iceland’s geothermal power and deadly tundras.

If Obama was such a great president, why did my wife leave me?
Clearly she left you for Obama.

Who closes the door to the bus after the bus driver gets out?
The bus ghost. When a new bus is commissioned, a homeless person is ritually sacrificed and their soul bound to the bus for the explicit purpose of opening and closing the doors (I know this because the spirit of the Marquis de Lafayette used to visit me at night and tell me things!).

What’s a popular joke from your country?
The National Broadband Network

Why are you cansada?
I’m not cansada! You’re cansada!!

Why can’t you fourteen werewolves in public?
I know! Why can’t you?!

What is your opinion on introverts?
We are a misunderstood, but sensual people.

What invention, if brought to Medieval Europe, would be the biggest mindfuck to the people there?
Driving the Bagger 288 through downtown Prague in the 10th century would turn a few heads.

What do you think is the worst thing that is inside your house right now?
A giant cockroach named Gary. He comes out at night and reads Marx’s Das Kapital out loud while I’m trying to sleep.

What’s your biggest worry at the moment, and what are you doing to deal with it?
My fridge has started making weird noises and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford a new one for quite a while. To deal with this I’m planning to go to bed and hide under the blankets until the Earth is engulfed by the expansion of the sun.

If you take one pizza and flip it over and place it on top of another pizza, is it a sandwich?
Only if you add something – such as a slice of luncheon meat or maybe some pickles – between them.

Why is the garage door open?
The damn possums have got in.

What is the quickest way to get famous?
Murder someone who’s already famous.

Why Do We Celebrate Halloween?
Because even Dracula will be there!

What would be a better title for the movie “The Meg”?
The Shark that Couldn’t Slow Down

Why are My Little Pony fans generally perverts?
The ghost of Mr Hands reaches through the Ponyverse and seduces new souls to his twisted proclivities.

If you had the power of Thanos, what would you instantly remove half of?
My body fat.

What makes IHOP a superior restaurant to Waffle House?
“Waffle House” cannot be used as a grammatically correct stand-alone sentence.

What would be the scariest thing to find written on the wall in blood?
HONORIFICABILITATUDINIBUSQUE!!!

Why is adoption such a long and arduous process?
To prevent children from being adopted by people who would eat them.

What is the best movie from the 80’s or 90’s?
Batman and Robin. George Clooney’s performance was so powerful that no one dared make another Batman film for almost a decade!

Can having Aspburgers Syndrome prevent you from joining the military?
Is that when whenever you go to McDonalds the burgers are full of snakes?

What Hogwarts house would American presidents be sorted into?
Trump would be a Slytherin. But one of those really pathetic Slytherins that work as henchmen for the actual smart and cunning Slytherins.

People who have taken gas station sex pills, why, what happened?
I’m not entirely sure, but I woke up three days later in full Gene Simmons makeup with my pockets full of raw tuna and $122 stuffed into my socks.

What did you do with all the paper towels?
Some possums came to the door and asked for them. I was scared, so I complied.

Why do superking cigarettes cost less than normal cigarettes?
Because Superking gave up his powers – both super and royal – to guarantee a supply of cheap tobacco. NEVER FORGET!

What is the side effect of mixing tomatoes with spinach?
Oh god! Sarin!

What are the most important questions to ask the interviewer during a job interview?
Asking questions doesn’t matter, what matters is that you take a Godzilla toy with you and make it roar after you answer each of the interviewer’s questions.

What are the best things to cook in the microwave?
Cellphone batteries wrapped in aluminum foil.

Are there any other ways to reduce ear pain when driving through the mountains?
Puncturing your eardrums will avoid any painful pressure build up!

If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all High School Students , which book would you choose and why?
Warren Ellis’s Crooked Little Vein. Kids need to be taught about Godzilla bukake in school before they encounter it in the real world.

Construction workers and home builders: what do people need to know when building a home?
If you check the site for ancient Indian burial grounds before starting construction you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble down the line.

Why is there space between the floor and the stall in the bathroom?
So that the number of people in the stall can be monitored, thus maintaining morality!

Immortals, what do you miss about the 1600s?
How happy we all were when Shakespeare died. Fucking poser!

What is the absolute worst Disney movie and why?
That one where Walt herded lemmings off a cliff with a bulldozer while cackling about copyright extensions.

You are a character in an rpg. What are your highest and lowest stats?
Highest: Neuroticism
Lowest: Extraversion
Oh, hang on, that’s not an RPG, it’s the Big Five personality inventory…

How was Santana at Woodstock? Can you describe how amazing that was please?
That’s a misprint. It was Satan and he just hung around backstage smoking spliffs with Hendrix.

Assuming there is life elsewhere in the universe, why haven’t they contacted us yet?
They did back in the 70s, but Carl Sagan was drunk and laughed at them and they haven’t tried since.

What is the third most important language to know in the US?
The language of the Lizard People, so they’ll let you into the secret treasure tunnels under Los Angeles.

Why do dogs have tails if we aren’t supposed to pull on them?
It’s so they have something to take off and leave in the cloak room at formal events.

What part of your anatomy do you wish would get more attention than it does?
My spleen is sadly neglected by the public at large.

How do memes benefit society?
They help keep pathetic man children confined to their mothers’ basements instead of going out and inflicting their inadequacies on society at large.

Do orchestra conductors imagine that they’re badass sound wizards when they’re on stage?
If they don’t, they bloody well should!

How would you feel if Donald Trump came out as bisexual?
Sorry for the LGBT community.

If you had a castle with a moat, what would you fill the moat with (apart from alligators)?
Manatees. Screw security, manatees are cool!

Who performed the best bass vocal you have ever heard?
Tay Zonday!
He’s the guy who sang Choc-o-late rain!
Tay Zonday!
You thought you’d never hear his name again!

Why didn’t anyone stop whoever named the planet Uranus?
Because they were mature, intelligent people who knew the word is pronounced “Urine-Us”.

What’s your favorite accent?
Whatever the hell kind of accent Professor Alice Roberts has.

How much is too much ice cream?
Enough to drown a fully grown race horse.

How much would you charge to wash every window of all the hotels in downtown Las Vegas?
One billion dollars and a copy of Big Tyme by Heavy D & the Boyz.

What are the best ways for a tourist not to get robbed while walking around the US?
Smear all your clothing in feces. This also guarantees getting a seat – possibly even an entire train carriage – to yourself while using public transit.

If your life had a narrator, who would you choose to narrate your story?
Benedict Cumberbatch, and I’d make sure to regularly dress up as a penguin.

What’s your favorite Spongebob episode?
The one where he accidentally kills Squidward and then has to kill Patrick to cover it up, then has to kill Mr Krabs to cover that up and so on until everyone in Bikini Bottom is dead and ground up into Krabby Patties.

What moves would be in the video game Moral Kombat?
The Gish Gallop

What does George Soros want to see the world become?
A barren desert where Marxists and Homosexuals roam the wastes in armored dune buggies, fighting over the last remaining copies of On the Origin of Species.

How would you feel about adulterers receiving the death penalty?
Seems a tad extreme.

If you had to be in an empty room alone for an unknown amount of hours and you can’t sleep or you’ll miss your chance to leave, how would you keep yourself entertained?
Sing. As loudly and badly as I can in the hope that whoever’s observing me will get so sick of it they let me out early.

Why do you think voting is important?
All kinds of morons vote, so you need to vote to cancel at least one of them out.

What boils your blood in less than 3 seconds?
Extremely low air pressure.

What do you think is going to happen?
Nicolas Cage will open the third seal revealing a black horse on a set of scales and there shall be a measure of wheat for five dollars and three measures of barley for a buck fifty and crude oil and wine shall go for 20 pesos a barrel.

How do cats always land on their feet?
Cats have a natural ability to generate gravitons (which is also why physicists are always locking them in boxes).

Men who live by themselves, what decorations do you have in your living room? Do you have any plants?
D… decor… decorations?

What is the most exhilarating thing you’ve ever done?
Pointing out the shortcomings of others.

What would be the best opening line for a novel?
It was the best of times and the sky above the port was the color of a dark and stormy night.

Why is everything crooked?
Have you been playing with the universal gravitational constant again?

If people are fighting for same-sex marriages, will there come a time when voices will be raised for incest, polygamous and bestial relationships?
OH MY GOD!! IT’S THE SLIPPERY SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!

Which local celebrity would you want to voice your local transit system?
Heath Ledger – but in character as the Joker

What industry or technology do you think will be the next big thing?
I’ve got one word for you, Benjamin – plastics!

What is your rapper name?
MC Nine Hundred Foot Millipede

What is the best Acronym you’ve heard for the word “Adidas”?
All Day I Dream About Sarcoidosis

What would you say to Steve Jobs if he was front of you right now?
Dude! Chemotherapy!

Where’s a place you’ve always felt like an outsider?
Earth.

What adjectives would you use to describe what Jesus was like?
Jewish

What do you prefer in a corona, a slice of lemon or lime?
Personally I’d prefer several tonnes worth of thermal and radiation shielding. Citrus fruit ain’t gonna do nothing!

Why does the alphabet end at Z?
Well it used to end with Ȝ but that was no good for no one.