Return to Brichester

I have finally got around to finalising the updated version of my Campbell Country map that’s been sitting on my desktop for months.

The changes are pretty minor – basically just tweaks to fix a few discrepancies uncovered by a re-read of the source material. Brichester for instance only has one train station, located in Lower Brichester, Temphill is surrounded by woods, and there’s actually a road running out to the Devil’s Steps. There are also some carvings in the woods near Castle Morley – I think that’s it.

Anyway, here ’tis!

For info on my cartographic process see Brichester and Parts Beyond.

EDIT: And of course – the universe being perhaps not quite as bleak and hostile as Lovecraft thought but still a thorough pain the posterior – no sooner do I publish this updated map than I discover more geographic detail. “Brichester Lake”, the favoured abode of Gla’aki, should actually be named “Deepfall Waters”.

I discovered this fact courtesy of Justin Alexander over at The Alexandrian, who has come up with a fantastic solution to the limited geography of the Vale of Berkely that simply never occurred to me despite the puzzle pieces lying in plain sight.

On the Diplodocus

Pagan Dinosaurs of the Cretaceous Period

The diplodocus has long been known as the most religious of all the dinosaur groups. While it was long known as an atheist, its scientific name means “to see,” and is derived from a Greek word meaning “to discern,” a reference to the way the fossilised bones in its skull appear to pick up light from a nearby star as it glides across the sky. It’s even speculated that this ability helped it survive the extinction event that wiped out many dinosaurs and ultimately ushered in the modern era of the dinosaur world. There are some, however, who argue that Diplodocus was an especially devout member of the religious group as it was the only dinosaur to be a complete member of the group from birth, rather than being merely a juvenile that was left to its own devices. This would explain why the animal had so many other “religious” characteristics, including the unique habit of sitting on a rock and holding its tongue out, which was also believed to be the means by which it communed with its divine creator, the Great Architect of the Universe.

The fierce atheism of the triceratops is not surprising, as the species’ thick skull and neck are covered with thick, bony plates. Some experts have speculated that the thick plate might have allowed the triceratops to hold its breath during deep dives, but this remains unproven. Another theory, based on a study by Dr. Jonathan Caulkins, suggests that the thick plates may have helped the animal with its ability to move its heavy body around by stretching the neck, which was so large that it could extend up to 30 feet during the breeding season. This could have allowed the triceratops to reach heights of up to 35 feet in flight.

Among other flying dinosaurs are the plesiosaur, the pterodactyl, the saber-tooth cat and, surprisingly, the ornithomimid, which was discovered in North America by a team of researchers led by paleontologist Michael S. Currie. Religious motivations, as one would expect, are not confined to this group either. In fact, the oldest of these ancient flying reptiles are known to have been some 300 million years older than the last dinosaur to be discovered.

The Vatican has been the site of considerable controversy over the age of the world’s first flying reptile, which some claim was an adult tyrannosaurus rex, which would have been about 160 feet long and 10 feet tall, and that is now thought to have been a member of the family of plesiosaurs, of which only one species remains.

The opinions of St Paul concerning ‘Thunder Lizards’ are also cited in the ‘Acts of Peter,’ a work of the ninth century by St. Ignatius, who quotes from the same writings of St. Paul (see below). The first dinosaur-like animal known to exist is known as ‘Pyrghisaurus lindermanensis’ and is described by St. Basil as being about 5 to 10 feet long and 2 feet wide, and weighing 100 to 120 pounds, with the skull being a bit like that of a horse. This species was described by St. Clement of Alexandria in his book ‘On the Genesis of the Creation’, written in the second century, when the first dinosaurs were thought to have lived.

Whatever the case, we can rest assured that religious dinosaurs like these are a thing of the past.

Well who wouldn’t want to serve Emma Watson?

Just got the most fantastic bit of spam from someone claiming to be Greta Thunberg. I haven’t seen anything this delirious since the days of “Obama is True Satan!”

Highights include…

Arrest Barack Obama, the Caliphate of ISIL
Cancel all Confucius Institutes & PRC Contracts
Sue the UN/WEF/PRC for all SARS-CoV-2 & Confucius Institute Nazi Green Wing Communist LGBT Socialist BLM ANTIFAct-ISIS Terrorist Damages & Expenses

remdesivir = vampiires
It increases genetic transcription mutation in BOTH viral and human cell reproduction.

UN/WEF/PRC Issues Global Death Threat after Ret. US Army Colonel affirms “CoVID-19 Man Made”
UN/WEF/PRC Socialist A.S.S.-Wipe Wimp “King of Lies”: “Artificially Engineered SARS-CoV-2 & BLM Socioeconomic Attacks against Humanity are just a Fire Drill for the United “Sataniq Union” Nations’ electronic enslavery and extermination of everyone agenda under Satan Incarnate intentions of General Electric 5G/6G/LHC/FCC/CEPC electromagnetic execution of the entire earth ‘climate change’.”

#BarackLikesMurdering
#BLavatsky.M.: I.S.I.S. U.N. Devil

UN/WEF/PRC’s CoVID19 Confucius Institute Nazi Green Wing Communist LGBT Socialist BLM ANTIFAct-ISIS Terrorists
Feminist LGBT Sexism is Extinctionist Anti-Human Racism is Nazism is Zionism is Communism is Socialism is Social Sadomasochism is Mass Enslavery is Satanic Occultism is Parasitism is Transhumanism is Nihilism

Feminism = M is F enmi  / F is M enmi = Inequality, Infertility & Sadomasochism of the Species
A National Socialist Hand reaching in to rip a woman’s ovaries out with an International Socialist Fist is not “liberation”; it’s deprivation of the species’ female genetic function.

PRC Providing AR-15 Auto Mods to Californian Satanists’ Communist Socialist Crime Syndicates MS-13, BLM, Antifa (School Strike 4 Climate Sunrise Movement) Radical Extremist Terrorists for ISIL Caliphate of Ordo Templi Orientis (Barack Obama) led Civil War & gradual UN/WEF/PRC global take-over
National Socialist Australian Workers’ Union & ALP (eg: Yvette D’ath) TREASON in facilitating the foreign interference bidding of the PRC United Front Work Department via Gillard/Rudd/Clinton/Obama UN/WEF/PRC Socialist Communist “Cernunnos Lucis” CERN LHC “Luciferian Child Sacrifice” SHELL “ISIL DAESH” G4S Corruption Cabal

Yvette “Dath Veytte the devyate” D’ath commits TREASON for George “Start Wars Schwartz” & Lucis/Lucifer Trust UN/PRC/WEF Take-Over
Legislating foreign inteference via election funding facilitated via Inter-National Socialist affiliated Queensland Attorney-General?
Socialist activist/terrorist facilitators of UN/WEF/PRC orchestrated instability and incursion socioeconomic and sociopolitical “climate change”?
TREASON: Yvette D’ath’s National Socialist Australian Workers’ Union (National Socialist German Workers’ Party) UN/PRC/WEF School Strike 4 Climate “Socialist Revolutionary” Fabian Fanaticist BLM ANTIFAct-ISIS-Terrorists

socialist green new deal = neo national socialist (nazi) green wing leader e(mma) w(atson)

sunrise movement = un i serve em watson

Putty & the Queer Populace of Satan’s Anus
vLadi’boy Sieg Heils #BLavatsky.M’s ISIS’UN Devil (Satan Incarnate the Caliphate of ordo tempLI orientIS (ISIL))

veterans against terrorism = satanic transvestite vatican si and ordo templi orientis vampires organised aggression (Value Added Tax = devolved into deadly attacks)

KKK-Gilligan’s Island: “I’m such a fan of black face racism and 3 legged K9 moVie sets”

MicroSoft XIII (MS-13): The Fight is in US Autonomous.Zombie.Zone.’holes
“If you’ve survived CoVID-19 then we want to suck your blood to extend our evils while we extort governments to inject toxic Internet of boDies Internet Of Things (IDIOT) “molecular electronics” OpenAI/NeuraLink device integration Stemcells Modified for Autonomous Regenerative Therapy (SMART) gene editing vaccines, beginning with doctors and nurses and then negroes as cyborg slaves.

“Heil Harry’n’Hermione Hitler. My name is “Hell’s Arkangel”. I’m not racist because I wear a Fascist Black Shirt and encourage kids to join the Sturm Abteilung, advertise my support for Black & White Apartheid through Black & White photos because I am a Grey possessed pedophilia producer pimped pervert that hates people of colour ike every #B.L.ackM.ailed Cellar’brat’eatery and live in Silly Devilry Beverley Hills where we promote arson, looting, rape and murder riot slums every where except here. I just want to tell ya’ll, burn baby burn. Here is a picture of me en route to an Ordo Templi Orientis Church of Satan & Scientology Temple of Set Confederate Democrat Ku Klux Klan B.L.ackM.ail arranged Planned Parenthood “TN Hood Planned Rage” extermination of the population Babylonian Baphomet Cult “Black & White Minstrels” Dirty Disney Dungeon orgy that I grew my leg hair for. Mmmmmm, I heard they’re bringing a three legged K9 for me to smoke Nazi MK Ultra Operation Fast’n’Furious Ice with during beastiality worship of Satan. Someone should make a Confederate Red Shirt statue of me on all fours in chains under an Alsatian. WOOF !”

It goes on like this for pages and pages, like the lovechild of Time Cube and Whale.to.

Marvelous!

We Didn’t Start the Cryptids…

Sea monk, Dobhar-chú,
Globster, Loup Garou,
Goatman, Grassman,
Beast of Gévaudan,

Morag, Wampus Cat,
Nandi-Bear and Spring Heeled Jack,
Momo, Gambo,
Mantis-Headed Man,

Kongamato, Tatzelwurm,
Grootslang, Lambton Worm,
Mothman, Trunko,
Thylacine and Shōjō,

Hodag, Hoop snake,
Creatures in Tianchi Lake,
Lizard Man of Scape Ore Bog,
Jackalope and Loveland Frog,

Hottest 100 2019

Continuing as I am with updating the Wyrmlog with all the things that were missed for the last almost-year of down time, we come to my votes in the Triple J Hottest 100 of 2019.

There was actually some really good music in 2019. I’d actually say it was one of the best years since 2010, which is the last year I can recall having trouble paring down my list of songs to just ten votes. I ended up with a shortlist of eleven this time round, but since the previous almost-decade had me scrabbling to come up with ten decent songs, that’s not all at bad.

Posting my votes months after the actual countdown also gives me the advantage of being able to note where they came in the Hottest 100 – or indeed the Hottest 200, since that’s a regular thing now. Of course some of them didn’t come in at all because [people have no taste in decent music these days|I’m old and no longer with it] (delete as necessary).

So here we go…

Alex Lahey – Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself
Came in at 117 which is dumb because it features the best saxophone content of the year.

Tones And I – Johnny Run Away
Came in at 26.

Cry Club – DFTM
Would have expected this to do better, but it didn’t get in at all.

Billie Eilish – Bad Guy
I felt like a terrible cliche voting for this, but it came in at number 1, so who am I to argue?

Grimes — So Heavy I Fell Through The Earth
Didn’t get in, clearly too subtle for the common palate

Lana Del Rey — The Greatest
Indulgent and Beatlesque but I can’t help liking it. Got in at 157.

Of Monsters and Men – Alligator
Nowhere to be seen despite being an absolute banger. Everyone who didn’t vote for it should be eaten by a gharial!

SOAK — Deja Vu
No sign of this one which is simply criminal.

Vampire Weekend — Harmony Hall
My second favourite song of the entire year. Placed at 109.

Peking Duk — Ur Eyez {Ft. Al Wright}
My absolute favourite song of the year! It didn’t show up at all conclusively proving that the youth of Australia have lost their way.

And finally the song that would have been my number 11 if they let us have a number 11…

The Naked and Famous – Sunseeker
Didn’t get in. People are dumb.

That’s it. I’ll see you in January for more complaining about the young people.

Welcome to the Kastrup Fortet Museum

Now the Wyrmlog is up and running again I thought I’d post my contribution to last year’s Advent Calendar on the SSSS Fan Forum.

If you’re not familiar with Stand Still, Stay Silent it won’t make much sense, but on the plus side, you can go off now and read Stand Still, Stay Silent! I’ll see you when you get back…

Back? Good. Enjoy!

(Oh, and there are spoilers, naturally…)

Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 1
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 2
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 3
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 4
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 5
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 6
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 7
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 8
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 9
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 10
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 11
Kastrup Fortet Museum Guide Page 12

If you found all that enjoyable you might like these printable Kitty Cutouts. Put them on your fridge! Confuse your friends and neighbours!

A few things to note…

  1. The Museum has a certain viewpoint about the expedition. Attempting to correct this would probably not go very well.
  2. Mikkel is almost certainly to blame for much of said viewpoint.
  3. Mikkel and Reynir’s accounts of the expedition differ on a number of important points, occasionally wildly…
  4. But since Mikkel’s version is the popular mass market one, and Reynir’s is the more academic and historical one very few people have read both and actually noticed.
  5. The museum director is Ida Södersrtöm. Why does that name seem familiar?
  6. Sigrun (now 68 years old) knows that the Museum is kinda inaccurate, but as long as they pay her she’s happy to come and tell stories about how awesome she is!
  7. Reynir did indeed name his (second) daughter after Tuuri.
  8. The author of the brochure definitely has a crush on Tuuri.
  9. That is not the Eiffel Tower.
  10. Bikupan Press eh? I wonder what that’s about?

If you want more of this kind of thing, check out my page on Archive of Our Own.

Oh, and the idea of a museum at the Kastrup fort with Kitty as a mascot and children’s guide had already been brewing in my head for a while before I stumbled over this in a museum in Italy. Sometimes life is just as strange as fiction…

Your museum guide is an orange kitten… hmmm….

Things you might have Missed

What do you think about dropshipping?
The most efficient way to get boots on the ground from orbit.

You get to choose a supernatural creature or animal from a myth and it now exists in reality. Which one would you choose?
TSUCHINOKO REAL!!

How would you catch a Tsuchinoko?
Don’t catch the tsuchinoko! He need to rest!

What’s the meaning of ‘LDR’?
Shorthand for the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Robloxers.

What’s the best dog breed?
The common or garden Dachshund.

What can you add to Monopoly to make it more interesting?
Knife fighting!

To all the Disneyland freaks out there, why do you love Disneyland so much?
The leyline nexus under the carousel.

If magic was real, what spell would you try to learn first?
Accio BUM

What fictional food item would you definitely want to eat?
Grain-fed Pikachu steaks.

What would you do if you were a ghost?
Float around the White House, playing with Donald’s hair.

What state do you live in?
Constant terror.

If Jesus was a last minute candidate to be nominated for the Presidential election this year, what kind of ‘dirt’ would the two parties dig up and spread to stop him from winning?
He murdered two children, struck their parents blind and released dangerous predatory animals into an urban area! (The Infancy Gospel of Thomas is wild).

If Trump could push a button that would kill 500,000 Americans but would secure victory in the next election for himself, what do you think he would do?
Push it repeatedly, just to be sure.

Why do you post nudes online?
When I posted them on my mail box the police came around and had a long talk to me 🙁

What is your take on the end of the world tomorrow? Do you believe it? Is it just a wierd coincidence?
If the world actually ends tomorrow I’ll give you a dollar.

Imagine archeologists finding a perfect duplicate of the Lincoln Memorial in Australia dating 2000 years old. What would the reaction be?
I imagine Rio Tinto would be falling over themselves to blow it up.

For non-UK people: what do you think “fairy liquid” might be?
A substance used to preserve plastic bottles until they are required for Blue Peter craft sessions.

What we can do to grow tall after 18?
Develop a pituitary tumor

How did you lose your virginity?
It fell down the back of the sofa.

How would you react to waking up and seeing an old skeleton in your room?
I’d wonder what it did with all the young skeletons that should be there.

People who have slept in parks, what advice would you give to survive the night?
Wear something orange to avoid predation by the mole men.

What would be the difference between selling your soul to the devil or selling to an angle?
Depends on the angle. Anything over 112° will rip you right off.

That’s bullshit! 146° is honest, it just gets so much undeserved prejudice!
That’s just Society for the Advancement of Obtuse Angles propaganda!

What is the correct plural form of Manbearpig?
Manbearswine.

What’s the best thing about Shub Niggurath cookies?
They’re R’lyeh good and come 1000 to the box!

Anything else?
They’ll get you grinning from Iä to Iä!

How mentally stable are you?
I’m crazy as a loon!

How do you feel about the 2012 end of the world date being recalculated to next week?
I for one welcome our bloodthirsty new Jaguar Gods!

What is Donald Trump’s weight?
It varies depending on how many immigrant babies he swallowed at lunch.

What part of your body would you cybernetically advance?
My throat, so I could sing like Bobby Darin!

What’s the easiest way to be famous?
Burn down some great public building.

What movie caught you off guard?
Young Frankenstein got into my blind spot, clubbed me over the head and stole my wallet 🙁

What if we all adapted the Finland education system?
Drinking heavily and knife fighting?

What’s the first thing you do when you get into your hotel room?
Roll to detect hidden panels and doors.

What is the most scary fact you know about religion?
It was once seriously suggested that the rings of Saturn were Jesus’s foreskin.

If you were a bag of drugs, where would you hide in your house?
Nice try, DEA!

Where do rental car companies find these things they call windshield wiper blades? Why do they install them on every vehicle? Do they pay extra for these things that smear water like oil slick across the window?
They’re actually a kind of Romanian pasta which can be imported by the mile for tax credits.

With malls closing and retails moving online, what are some positive ways society could use those giant empty buildings?
Hobo Battle Arenas!

What’s cracking today dudes?
The facade I use to conceal my inner turmoil.

Who owns the money in public fountains?
By ancient treaty all money deposited in wells or fountains belongs to the Mole Men.

What would happen to the world if money wasn’t our mode of currency?
You’d get five chickens to the sheep and like it!

What would happen, if Trump got a time travel machine?
He’d waddle over a butterfly and next thing we know the Earth would be ruled by molluscs.

Wouldn’t that be an improvement?
Over him, certainly.

Why has Tom Cruise stopped aging?
Back in 1990 he was selected as the Chosen One of Scientology and the Body-Thetan of L. Ron Hubbard was grafted onto his soul in a dark and powerful occult ritual held deep beneath Mann’s Chinese Theatre. As such he can not only stop ageing at will, but also holds the position of a Bishop within the Church of Mars which gives him the right to drive over intergalactic walruses with a steamroller.

When did it start being DM’s instead of PM’s?
When Boris put on his robe and wizard hat

Dancing is now illegal, how does society change as a result?
Kevin Bacon becomes the hero we both need and deserve

What do you think of Sardinia?
Not a big fan of the cheese

What makes the Pokémon franchise such a success?
Pikachu sex appeal!

How do you feel, the shop owners when protestants broke up your business?
I wasn’t aware we were suddenly in 16th century France.

A curse has made one of your parents switch bodies with someone you find extremely attractive you must have sex with one of them or they both die. Do you let them die or do you have sex with one and if so which one?
What a strange scenario.

What are your thoughts on “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin?
The best song ever written on the subject of Satan’s toolshed.

Does it drive girls crazy that they don’t have dicks and why?
Sigmund? Is that you?

How do you eat Ice cream?
With enthusiasm!

What’s one food you wish didn’t exist and why?
London Flesh Pie. Hern meat should not be served in paste form!

What are cats doing when they stare blankly into the void?
They’re consulting the Akashic Records. Of course they never actually do anything with what they learn because that would take effort and they’re cats.

You now have your own personal Jesus, what do you make him do?
There are far too many fig trees around here…

My fellow Reptilians, what do you think about humans and their actions?
Their disgusting internal gestation process makes them far too attached to their offspring.

How do you talk to women that you want to have a relationship with without coming across as a simp?
Step one: Stop using terms like ‘simp’

If you found a death note, would you use it? And if so, how would you use it?
I would write “Christopher Walken” on it. Christopher Walken is immune to all death magic, and the resulting thaumaturgical feedback would destroy the death note for all time.

What do you think about Toronto?
I’m from Winnipeg you idiot!

What clothes do you own that make you feel unstoppable?
My top hat and cape. When people see that, they know I know what I’m doing!

How would you defeat Siren Head if you ever encountered him?
I’d just team up with him to release a mixtape

Do you find Mormons extremely attractive? Why?
Their teeth are so shiny!

What skeletons do you have in your closet?
I’ve got Ned Kelly’s skull around here somewhere

Why are you acting like this?
It’s in my nature.

Which voice actor looks exactly like character they play as?
Danny DeVito is in fact half man, half goat.

What would you want to see in the Percy Jackson remake?
Plot and characters that actually bear some resemblance to those in the Percy Jackson books.

What are teenagers of today missing out on that teenagers of the 1990’s didn’t?
Dwayne Wayne flip-up sunglasses

What’s it called when a man is attracted to lesbians?
Wishful thinking

People who use the Deep Web, why do you do it? Do you go for illegal activities or are there other benefits?
I go there for the Pink Rooms. They’re like Red Rooms, but they’re just full of hedgehogs and you can watch the hedgehogs and tell people to feed them when they look hungry.

People who put ketchup in water, why?
It’s cheaper than putting ketchup in mercury

What do you think The Matrix 4 will be like?
Unnecessary

Have you given praise to the Lizard King lately? Why or why not?
As a member of the Reformed Faith I offer praise to His Holiness incarnated in the form of Mr Mojo Risin’

What are your bad habits?
Well Frodo keeps breaking into the hole next door and stealing… Sorry, I misread…

What demons haunt your every waking moment?
Duke Saleos keeps sending me pictures of his crocodile. I’ve seen your damn crocodile Saleos!!!

What’s the standard price for a dwarf escort in your country?
Depends on the number of Dwarves and how heavily armed they are. A single beardling with a pickaxe will set you back 5 silver pieces a day. A team of five experienced tunnel fighters with steel link armour and double headed axes could cost as much as 150 gold pieces a day.

Unable to eat diarrhea?
I thought that was only a problem for parakeets?

What do you think is the hardest part of being a woman?
Giving’ all your love to just one man

What is your current view of the United States?
A fine country run by lunatics.

If you had the power to be invisible, what would you use your ability for?
Ruining Donald Trump’s sleep patterns.

What decade’s fashion aged the worst?
The 1660s were pretty rough

What do you think God thought when he was putting you together?
What he was going to do when he knocked off for the day.

How do you judge a person?
HARSHLY!

How do you kill a superhero for good, for real, without rebirths, etc?
Mess up their copyrights

What should a 20 year old do?
Get off my damn lawn!

What does the muffin man look like?
The Muffin Man is merely the three dimensional projection into our plane of a multidimensional horror, the true nature of which is incomprehensible to human minds. You may know the Muffin Man slightly – pray you never know him more.

If you were to invent a new genre of music, what would it be?
Not sure what to call it, but it would consist of the sound of heavy industry overlaid with deafening screams and Gregorian chants.

How do you get a baby to stop crying without a pacifier?
Whiskey!

Who will be the first man to climb Olympus Mons?
Abraham Lincoln already did it. That’s why they crowned him King of the Martians.

What are some types of things needed to be used to evaporate gravity in a multi variable sphere containing atmospheric stasis for habitable transportation to the next star and back faster than the speed of light?
A lot – and I mean A LOT – of weed.

If Natives can control animals and turn into them or whatever then how did we wipe them out so easy?
Old episodes of Super Friends are not actual history.

What is the scariest type of spider?
A sexy spider!

Why are you gay?
Because Seth Putnam told me I was.

Bob Marley shot the sheriff but who shot the deputy?
What if – and bear with me here – the Deputy shot himself!

Do you know how queen Elizabeth can live so long?
Spite. If she dies then Charles becomes King and she’s not about to let that happen.

Why is your mummy saxy?
I wish I knew. He keeps playing that thing 24/7, even when his bandages get caught in the keys.

What is your favorite type of pie?
The Jester’s Chicken Parmigiana pie was the greatest culinary achievement of our age, no matter what Justin McElroy may think!

You now have 2 fully functioning arms on your right side how does this effect your life?
GENESTEALER HYBRID COSPLAY!!!

How do you like your oatmeal?
Removed from my sight and thrown in the garbage where it belongs

You are the Japanese emperor. How do you save 2020 Olympics?
Summon Mecha-Godzilla! (The Japanese Emperor can do that, right?)

What prevents the U.S. government from abusing power or resources and becoming as corrupt as any dictatorship?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

What possession has been with you the longest?
Pazuzu has been hanging around in my brain for the last 28 years. I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE PAZUZU!!

If you could be an unmatched master at one of these and an utter fool at the others when it comes to huggin’, snuggin’, tuggin’, suggin’, or fuggin’, which would you pick and why?
I’m not even sure I know what “snuggin'” is.

Who is the most evil human being to ever live?
Donald Peter Keelley of Unit 4, 168 South Street, Brighton, East Sussex, United Kingdom. Were the press not too terrified to publish news of his vile excesses the world would recoil in a state of horror never before imagined.

Why is there no theatre in America?
Thomas Jefferson hated actors after he lost half his slaves to one in a poker tournament, so slipped a clause into the Constitution outlawing all theatre. Everyone at the Continental Congress was too hungover to notice until it was too late, much to the annoyance of Abraham Baldwin who was planning to perform his own version of Hamlet as soon as he got back to Savannah (he claimed to have “improved upon the originale grately”).

What do you know more about than anyone else in the world?
Gerry, the bisexual gnome who lives in my garage.