Working on the weak spots in my world geography and coming up with mnemonics to help…
“My sad god gave back gold so little lads could definitely go to bed”
West African coastal nations from north to south – Mauritania, Senegal, Gambia, Guinea Bissau, Guinea, Sierra Leone, Liberia, Cote d’Ivoire, Ghana, Togo, Benin.
“My bad god has eight nasty, crusty penises”
Central American nations from north to south – Mexico, Belize, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama.
The Caribbean is up next – hopefully I can avoid even more blasphemy 😀
He thought he saw a Viking tower, Erected on a hill, He looked again and saw that it, Was Benedict Arnold’s mill, “I won’t claim it’s Chinese” he said, “But Gavin Menzies will!”
Willie, Willie, Harry, Mattie, Stephen, Harry, Harry Bratty, Dick, John, Louis, Harry three, One two three Neds, Now let’s see, Richard two, Harrys four five six, Edwards four five, Nasty Dick, Harry VII, Harry VIII, Ned the sixth who turned up late, Lady Jane Grey, Philip and Mary, Bessie, James and Charles contrary, Ollie, Ricky, Charles restored, James the second (most abhorred), Will and Mary, Anna Gloria, Georges (Four), Will Four, Victoria Edward, George, then Nazi Ted, So George the sixth stepped in instead, Elizabeth, her reign unanswered, Now Charlie III who has the cancers,
There is a time in every weirdo’s life that they feel compelled to come up with a categorisation system for those strange creatures that lurk on the boundary between science, folklore and small-town tourism campaigns – cryptids! And for me that time has come today.
So gentle reader, please behold the Purple Wyrm Cryptid Categorisation system – which I must admit owes more than a touch of inspiration to Alex Flanigan of the gone but always in our hearts Cryptid Keeper podcast.
(NOTE: By default this system uses ‘boys’ as a categorisation term. Users should feel free to substitute this with whatever term – gendered or non-gendered – they prefer. Cryptozoology is a wide brontosaurus with room on its back for all!)
CLASS ONE: SHADY BOYS Shady Boys are perfectly normal beasts seen under unusual circumstances that make them look all cool and mysterious. As an example consider the ‘lioness’ filmed lurking around Berlin back in the June of 2023 that actually turned out to be a wild boar. That boar is a very shady boy.
CLASS TWO: WEIRD BOYS Weird Boys are perfectly normal beasts with some kind of condition or deformity that makes them look unusual or act in an unexpected fashion. The coyotes with mange that people keep trotting out as chupucabras (American subspecies) for instance, or the tailless iguana laughably claimed to be the Loveland Frogman (the Loveland Frogman is real and he is a wizard!).
CLASS THREE: LOST BOYS Lost Boys are (again) perfectly normal beasts that have somehow ended up in places that logic dictates they shouldn’t be. The phantom kangaroos of the American midwest, or the Alien Big Cats of Great Britain for example. Vampires are not lost boys no matter what Joel Schumacher may tell you.
CLASS FOUR: OLD BOYS Old Boys are beasts that we know used to exist, but are/were considered extinct. The poster boy for the old boy is the happy coelacanth, merrily swishing its tail at the bottom of the Indian Ocean in defiance of paleontologists everywhere. Should the various mega-cryptids of the Congo basin turn out to be real and turn out to be dinosaurs then they would be very old boys indeed.
CLASS FIVE: NEW BOYS New Boys are beasts never before described by science. Regularly hauled across the earthquake-riven boundary between the continents of Cryptozoology (disreputable) and Zoology (respected) they are the most common class of cryptid and the only one mentionable in polite scientific company. The Vu Quang Ox (Pseudoryx nghetinhensis) of Vietnam is a fine example, only having been admitted to the halls of respectable science in 1992.
CLASS SIX: SPACE BOYS Space Boys are life-forms from planets other than Earth. Y’know, aliens. Be they disgusting little Greys, buff blonde Nordics, sexy Venusians or the giant Liberace who descended from a UFO to perform a concert in Fyffe Alabama in 1989, they are all space boys.
CLASS SEVEN: SPOOKY BOYS Spooky Boys are things from realms and dimensions other than ours. Ghosts, demons, machine-elves, vampires, mothmen, Indrid Cold style Men in Black, Indrid Cold himself – basically anything that defies logic and is probably best not meddled with. They are the spooky boys – although it’s probably best not to call them that to their faces (for the ones that have them…).
CLASS EIGHT: IMAGINARY BOYS Finally we have the Imaginary Boys. These are creatures that are entirely made up for reasons of humour, profit, entertainment, fraud, or just good old-fashioned mischief. There are many classic cryptids that must sadly be placed in this category – the entire contents of Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods for a start (barring some major scientific discoveries). Of course, the fact that none of these are real does not in any way detract from their value and importance. They may not be real boys, but they are all good boys!
So there we have it! Eight clear and unambiguous categories for all your cryptid classification needs. Classify nice now!
My earlier post about the Protomen’s album The Cover Up and their version of Iron Maiden’s The Trooper with each instance of “Russian” replaced with “Robot” got me thinking about what a more extensive conversion would look like. So I wrote one. Here ’tis.
You’ll take my life, but I’ll take yours too You’ll fire your maser, but I’ll run you through So when you’re waiting for the next attack You’d better stand, there’s no turning back
The siren sounds, the charge begins But on this battlefield, no one wins The smell of acrid smoke and diesel fumes As I plunge on into certain doom
My cycle engine roars, we break to run The mighty roar of the robot guns And as we race towards the android wall The screams of pain as my comrades fall
We hurdle bodies that lay on the ground And the robots fire another round We get so near, yet so far away We won’t live to fight another day
We get so close, near enough to fight When a robot gets me in his sights He pulls the trigger and I feel the blow A burst of rounds take my bike below
And as I lay there gazing at the sky My body’s numb and my throat is dry A mess of wires where my arm had been I never knew I was one of them…
And if that’s not enough desecration of a metal classic, check this out…
It’s been unreasonably hot of late (maximums hovering around 40° for the last three days), which means that I’ve found it rather difficult to sleep. I’ve tried what I often do under such circumstances which is to stay up watching weird, late night TV until I can barely form a coherent thought (La Brea seems interesting, at least when horribly sleep deprived) then crawl into bed in the hopes of passing out, but it never actually works, so I’ve spent much of the last few nights tossing and turning while my brain whirls away like a merry-go-round with a broken speed governor.
(Do merry-go-rounds have speed governors? Is a speed governor even a thing? You can tell I’m not all here can’t you?)
Anyway, as I was writing in mental and physical torment last night my brain spat up a really silly idea, which was to attempt a translation of everyone’s favourite Dwarf song – Diggy Diggy Hole – into Khuzdul, the language of J. R. R. Tolkien’s Dwarves.
What do you mean you don’t know Diggy Diggy Hole?! What have you been doing with your life?! Here’s Wind Rose’s version to get you up to speed.
Anyhoo, translating it isn’t quite as crazy as it seems because we don’t really know a lot about Khuzdul words and grammar – which gives me plenty of scope to just make things up!
So I looked up what scraps of the language we actually have, and threw in the Neo-Khuzdul lyrics ofThe Bridge of Khazad-dûm from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack which helpfully provides a basic grammar and a number of words found in Diggy Diggy Hole despite being wildly different in tone.
And here it is! The first verse and chorus of Diggy Diggy Hole translated into what we might call Neo-Neo-Khuzdul…
Mâbala ni buzra Kûman taranasha mâ Mâzikada ni aznân Suruk ni kathalamâ Paragul kurdumâ Sanbaragul bishkumâ! Feleka tamahaldi rûza Mênorodalarâ gûza!
Khahali Khuzd Ra khafeleki tûm! Khafeleki tûm! Khafeleki tûm!
Khahali Khuzd Ra khafeleki tûm! Khafeleki tûm! Feleka tûm!
Translated back to English…
DIGGING A HALL
Brothers you will rejoice! Dig with me! Use our tools and voices! Sing with me! Deeper and deeper we go, No one knows what lies beneath, Shining gems, silver, gold, Mithril hidden deep!
We were born underground, Nourished by stone, We grew in the dark, Secure in our mountain stronghold, Our skin is iron, Our bones are steel, Digging makes us free, Brothers sing with me!
I am a Dwarf, And I’m digging a hall, I’m digging a hall, I’m digging a hall,
I am a Dwarf, And I’m digging a hall, I’m digging a hall, Digging a hall,
And finally for those who care about such things, a line by line gloss…
Gûza mêngalaribarâ all-brothers you-celebrate-imperative Brothers you will rejoice!
Mênfelakarâ khul you-delve-imperative me-with Dig with me!
Mêntakarâ felak lamâ you-use-imperative tool voices-our Use our tools and voices!
Mênorodalarâ khul you-sing-imperative me-with Sing with me!
Mâsalani buzra zar We-descend-are deeps more We go deeper and deeper
Mak tabandi bazanar No-one it-know-are below-things No one know what lies below
Peter: Well, it’s been almost a year now and it looks like Jesus isn’t coming back any time soon, so I guess I’m in charge?
Paul: I think you’ll find I’m the one in charge!
Peter: Who are you!?
Phillip: He’s that Saul bastard who’s been…
Paul: I’m Paul, and Jesus put me in charge!
Peter: When?!
Paul: Last week.
Peter: Last week!? Our Lord has been gone for months!
Paul: He appeared to me in a vision on the road to Damascus.
Peter: A vision? Seriously? And what did this ‘vision’ say to you?
Paul: That I was in charge.
Paul: And also that you were a bitch.
Peter: Why you..!
John of Patmos: I saw Jesus too!
Peter: What…?
Paul: Who…?
John of Patmos: He was a lamb! And he had horns! And eyes – lots of eyes! And swords for teeth! And there was a dragon with seven heads and more horns! And there were living creatures! And four guys on different coloured horses and a woman standing on the moon and a harlot and then everyone had to run and hide in caves because all the water was poison and there were grasshoppers with human heads and a mountain fell out of the sky and the sky went away and there were angels blowing horns and did I mention the grasshoppers because they had human heads and scorpion tails and all the stars fell down and…
I chow down on a bowl of mari, Marinara, marinara sauce, Then just another bowl of mari, Marinara, marinara sauce, If you choose to down it hastily, It will tickle you internally, And I see nothing wrong with that…
The following bit of sub-par Giant Days fanfiction has been wedged in my brain for several years. I have had vague plans of drawing it, but I suspect it’s not really worth the effort, so I will instead present it here as a script (along with copious apologies to John Allison).
SCENE: Daisy’s room, Catterick Hall, first year. Daisy is studying while music plays from a portable CD player.
Enter Esther and Susan through door (dramatically of course)
Susan: Daisy Wooton, what is this noise?
Esther: Did Enya find a mellotron?
Daisy (picking up and displaying The Mollusk CD case): It’s not Enya, it’s Ween. Ed Gemmel lent it to me.
Esther (while Susan takes and examines CD case): You shouldn’t listen to people weeing Daisy, it’s not healthy for developing young minds!
Susan (looking through CD insert): It appears to concern a grown man talking to a young boy about his ‘mollusc’…
Pills! Pills! Wonderful pills! Nothing quite like them for healing your ills! My body won’t mug me, And pain will not bug me, As long as you drug me, With wonderful pills!