Not Worth Hiding

by Purple Wyrm on August 25, 2017

Fadades notwithstanding, I haven’t done a lyric transcription in ages, so I thought I’d get back in the saddle by getting down the lyrics of Alex the Astronaut’s beautiful new track Not Worth Hiding. Definitely going to be in my Hottest 100 list this year for both its message, and for just being a really sweet song. So here we go…

Not Worth Hiding

Alex the Astronaut

I learnt to drive to school when I was sixteen,
And I was happy with my friends and we skipped class for time to breathe,
We learnt about the stars and the trees,
I cried when I found kissing boys wasn’t for me,

So I tried every trick in the book,
I tried talking to the pretty boys, and changed the way I looked,
But wearing dresses to impress just left me lonely and upset,
And the boys could tell when I looked at her I wasn’t interested in them,

It’s not worth hiding if you’ve got something to say,
And it’s not worth smiling if you’re feeling in pain,
And it’s not worth hiding if you think you might be gay,
Or different in another way, you’re perfect just the same,

I opened the paper and it left me in shame,
Said that these contagious gays aren’t safe and you should keep your kids away,
But I grew older and bolder, and my friends caught on slowly,
Nineteen and withdrew the weight from my shoulders,

We sang,
It’s not worth hiding if you’ve got something to say,
And it’s not worth smiling if you’re feeling in pain,
And it’s not worth hiding if you think you might be gay,
Or different in another way, you’re perfect just the same,

So tell me, anyone?
If you love them as a daughter, could you love them as a son?
We all smile at different faces, we all blush at different names,
But holding someone’s hand should never make you feel ashamed,

Your story might not be at all like mine,
I don’t mean to simplify, this should be in your own voice and your own time,
But the cages that they’ve made us, should soon just rust away,
And this song just won’t need singing, but for now I’ll let it play,

It’s not worth hiding if you’ve got something to say,
And it’s not worth dying for the people who will smile at your name,
And it’s not worth lying if you’re feeling in pain,
And it’s not worth hiding, ’cause happiness could be on your way,

Weights and Measures

by Purple Wyrm on August 20, 2017

Measuring the distances between Worlds in Probability has always been problematic. As beings limited to perceiving reality in only four dimensions, direct measurement of the fifth is simply not possible. Instead proxy methods have to be deployed, the most common of which defaults to the amount of energy required to either open Gates or move matter directly between Worlds.

The best established measurement is the Wyrymyan ghəι (anglicized as “weyr“). The exact genesis of the weyr is lost to history, although it is noted it is very close to the amount of artonic energy required to directly (ie: without the use of a Gate) transport one ixh* of matter between Wyrymya and the ancient Wyrm colony World of Hfren, leading many to assume ancient travel between these two Worlds as its ultimate origin.

(* One ixh is equal to one 1728th of the weight of a cylinder of Wyrymyan sea-water with a height and radius of 12 ghi – one ghi measuring 6.875 cm. Bizarrely this works out to just over 1kg – 1.069kg to be precise.)

The traditional measurement of Probability among the Zurvár is the kâd, which is the minimum distance traversable via Gate in ancient Zurvár society. One kâd is equal to 16.8 weyr, which provides some commentary on the relative sophistication of Probatial travel in the ancient Zurvár and Wyrm cultures. The kâd has become the standard measure of Probatial distance across local Probability, with the weyr generally reserved for scientific usage.

(The Metaphysical Society of 19th century London created their own measurement of Probatial distance, the “Palmerston”. One Palmerston equals 77.4 kâd (or 1300.32 weyr), and is the distance between Earth and Neanderthan, the first World discovered by the Society. The Palmerston was abandoned shortly after contact was established with the Wyrms.)

The record for minimum Probatial distance traversable currently stands at 0.43 kâd (7.224 weyr) which was achieved at the Werinos Physics Institute in 2007. This is well above the theoretical limit of 0.14 kâd predicted by Probatial Resonance Theory. It is believed by many that the Goatsuckers have been capable of reaching this limit for centuries – if not millennia – or possibly even exceeding it, although the later would raise uncomfortable questions about their motivation in providing so much assistance in the development of an inaccurate theory.

He Returns!

by Purple Wyrm on July 5, 2017

I was recently reminded of Alsace’s greatest contribution to black metal music, the amazing Fadades. He inhabits a castle! He builds lasers! He wears knives! No one can figure out whether he’s parodying the genre or is terrifyingly serious!

In perusing the Fadadian oeuvre I stumbled across a – I do hesitate to use the word ‘song’ but let’s go with it – a song I hadn’t heard before. So of course I jumped right in.

The piece in question sees our hero returning to the same rich vein of landing his spaceship in Egypt and being annoyed. This time around he’s considering the “nightmare” of Ramses rather than his “rage”, and he’s managed to convert his spaceship into 3 dimensions! Well done Fadades!

He also discovers a domed city –  Ramses was terrified of domes you know…

Anyway, as is traditional I’ve decided to attempt a transcription of what he’s on about. I think he’s trying to organise catering for a party and it’s not going well…

Ain’t jealous!
Just a word,
Not jealous!
Seat yourselves,

Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!
Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!

Excellent guests,
Yet faith,
Yet faith,

You seated at us!

Eggs for guests!

Need to get suggestions for keggers!
Tomorrow’s furious sun-a-rise!
Need-a sauce!
Like some samboria say…
This is stupid, lists of guests,
Really need a secure swain!
Stupidest suggest, oy!
Get us!

Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!
Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!
Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!

On Oil Guzzling Spiders

by Purple Wyrm on June 25, 2017

Sometimes while wandering the lanes and byways of the internet one comes across information too fascinating to be ignored – even if it is of dubious immediate utility.

For instance, consider this extract from Volume 88 of the Edinburgh Magazine and Literary Miscellany (1821)

The sexton of the church of St Eustace, at Paris, amazed to find frequently a particular lamp extinct early, and yet the oil consumed only, sat up several nights to perceive the cause. At length he detected that a spider of surprising size came down the cord to drink the oil. A still more extraordinary instance of the same kind occurred during the year 1751, in the Cathedral of Milan. A vast spider was observed there, which fed on the oil of the lamps. M. Morland, of the Academy of Sciences, has described this spider, and furnished a drawing of it. It weighed four pounds, and was sent to the Emperor of Austria, and is now in the Imperial Museum at Vienna.

What, I ask, is to be done about that?

Kim Newman’s Vampire Romance – Annotations

by Purple Wyrm on June 8, 2017

Update: Thank you Mr Newman for taking an interest in this project, and supplying a few tips! I am not worthy! ;D

One of my favourite things about Kim Newman’s Anno Dracula series is reading the annotations – both those Mr Newman provides himself, and the ones various people have put together online.

Unfortunately I haven’t been able to find any annotations for the highly entertaining novella Vampire Romance. So I figured, why not produce some myself?

Now, when it comes to scholarship I am a dilettante at best. I’m not going to be searching through dusty tomes to track down every single reference. I shall instead mostly be throwing names and terms at Professor Google and seeing what comes back. And I’m not going to be spending huge slabs of time – I’ll just do a chapter here and there. It’s a long (or at least prolonged) project to which I shall be making occasional updates. So don’t expect the whole thing to be complete any time soon! But do check back now and then.

So without any further ado, here we go…

Chapter 1: Genevieve Bobs Her Hair

The chapter title is take from Bernice Bobs Her Hair, a 1920 short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Genevieve is of course Mr Newman’s original vampire character  Geneviève Dieudonné – specifically Geneviève Sandrine d’Isle Dieudonné, as opposed to her other versions (or “trans-continual cousins”) from Newman’s other series.

…Her appointment at M. Eugene was for just after sunset…

M Eugene is Eugene Suter, a Swiss immigrant who along with Isidoro Calvete popularised the perm in post WWI London.

…The salon was Cox and Box…

“Cox and Box”, meaning “to take turns” derives from a comedic play Box and Cox – A Romance of Real Life in One Act by John Maddison Morton, first produced in 1847. It concerns two boarders unknowingly sharing a room, one during the day and one at night and the chaos that ensues when they discover each other. It was adapted into a comic opera Cox and Box by F. C. Burnand and Arthur Sullivan in 1866.

…the pre-broken ‘Transylvanian’ crenelations of Tower Bridge…

Tower Bridge was constructed between 1886 and 1894 in a Victorian Gothic style. Prince Consort Dracula obviously had more influence on its design – and perhaps sped up the construction – in the AD universe.

…the ugly bat frescoes of the Sir Francis Varney Memorial…

Sir Francis Varney (from Varney the Vampire; or, the Feast of Blood, published as a serial between 1845 and 1847) was Governor of India under Dracula and came to a rather nasty end during the Prince Consort’s overthrow. The timeline doesn’t work out, but I can’t help but wonder if the Varney Memorial takes the place of our universe’s Albert Memorial.

…She loitered over a thimble of mouse-blood in the Maison Lyons on Shaftsbury Avenue…

J. Lyons and Co. was a restaurant, hotel and food manufacturing company founded in 1884 and eventually shutting down in 1981. In addition to a chain of tea shops they ran a number of more upmarket art deco ‘corner houses’ including the Maison Lyonses at Marble Arch and on Shaftsbury Avenue.

…Now, it was cocktails at the Criterion and a rag at the Troc…

The Criterion is the Criterion Restaurant at Picadilly Circus. The “Troc” is the Trocadero, another restaurant operated by J. Lyons and Co.

…the warm English comedian was ‘the Little Vamp’…

Charlie Chaplin’s ‘Little Vamp’ character is of course our universe’s ‘Little Tramp’.

…In the two-reeler One P.M

One P.M. replaces One A.M. a 1916 comedy in which Chaplin depicts a drunk encountering various mishaps stumbling his way to bed (and eventually falling asleep in the bath!).

…posters advertising Oxo concentrated blood cubes, ‘Nutrax for Nerves’ and NetherBeast gramaphones…

Oxo cubes are concentrated beef stock, first produced in 1910 and still available today. Nutrax is a nerve tonic that features in the Dorothy Sayers Lord Peter Wimsey mystery novel Murder Must Advertise. NetherBeast is a reference to the 2007 office comedy movie Netherbeast Incorporated, which is based around a telephone company staffed by the undead.

…Kink-limbed and -backed stick-figure men followed a leader…

The Crook’s cypher would appear to be a reference to the Sherlock Holmes story The Adventure of the Dancing Men. As Holmes exists in the AD universe it is not out of the question that the Crook was inspired to create his cypher by the one in Holmes’s case (or vice-versa given the Crook’s extended history).

…even scientific thinkers like Edmond Cordery…

Edmund Cordery is from The Empire of Fear by Brian Stableford. He researches the scientific causes of vampirism in an alternate 17th century ruled by vampires (it does not end well for him).

…Max Planck’s Black Blood Refractive Postulate of 1902…

In our universe physicist Max Planck investigated black body radiation. In the AD universe his research was obviously a bit more esoteric.

…straightening curls with terrifying Heath Robinson contraptions…

William Heath Robinson (1872-1944) was an English cartoonist who became famous for illustrations of elaborate and ridiculous contraptions – similar to the American Rube Goldberg. He is mentioned as designing armaments for the British in The Bloody Red Baron – presumably he did his cartoons on the side.

…The warm blonde girl – Miss Bunting, according to her nametag…

Miss Bunting is Daisy Bunting, played by June Tripp in the 1927 silent Alfred Hitchcock film The Lodger: A Story of the London Fog. The movie (and the novel it is based on) are centered on the hunt for a Jack the Ripper style serial killer.

…back numbers of  The Tatler somewhat surprisingly piled in Charles Beauregard’s Chelsea house…

The Tatler is a magazine focusing on high society and politics first published in 1901. Charles Beauregard is of course Mr Newman’s original character who features in many of the Anno Dracula and Diogenes Club stories.

…recognised the daughter of the millionaire Percy Browne…

Percy Browne should not be confused with British politician of that name who was born in 1923 and would hence would be a few months old at best at the time of the story. He is instead the millionaire father of Polly Browne from the 1954 musical The Boy Friend. Polly was portrayed by the model Twiggy in the 1971 movie adaption.

…She’d personally battened on half the young the young bloods in the Drones…

The Drones can be presumed to be the Drones Club from the works of P. G. Wodehouse – the first of many Wodehouse references in this story.

…Ivor Novello was carrying on with the drag artiste Handel Fane…

Ivor Novello (1893-1951) was a Welsh composer and actor and one of the most popular British entertainers of the first half of the 20th century. In a nice touch he stared as the title character in the already mentioned Hitchcock film The Lodger. Handel Fane (played by Esme Percy) is the cross dressing actor and killer in the 1930 Hitchcock film Murder!

…the organist Anton Phibes…

Anton Phibes is the title character – portrayed by the great Vincent Price – from the 1971 horror comedy film The Abominable Doctor Phibes. In the movie he is believed to have died in a car crash in 1921 but secretly survived with horrific injuries. Perhaps in the AD universe he overcame these by turning?

…a skirmish with Countess Verdel…

Countess Verdel (AKA ‘Ejacula’) was portrayed by Patricia Kennedy in the porn films Ejacula, la vampira and Ejacula 2, both from 1992 (thanks Mr Newman!).

…reading the latest number of British Pluck

I can’t find anything specific for British Pluck either, although a collection of articles from The Boys Own Paper titled The Best of British Pluck was published in 1977 – perhaps suggesting that’s the name of the publication in the AD universe.

…Next up was a floppy haired male dandy…

I strongly suspect that this is Dorian Grey. Oscar Wilde of course appears in Anno Dracula, but Grey is too good a character to leave out on that kind of technicality!

…Bywaters had gone to the gallows… …Thompson was hanged too…

Frederick Bywaters and Edith Thompson were executed in January 1923 for the murder of Thompson’s husband Percy. They had been having an affair and exchanged letters in which Edith encouraged Bywaters to “so something desperate” to free her from Percy. Despite Thompson carrying out the deed by himself – and a petition for mercy signed by almost a million people – they were both convicted and hanged.

…The dreadful Dr Sheppard, guilty of the Ackroyd murder...

Dr Sheppard is from Agatha Christie’s third Hercule Poirot novel The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, published in 1926.

…Caroline Reboux must do a roaring trade…

Caroline Reboux (1837-1927), the “Queen of the Milliners” was a French milliner and fashion designer.

…figure-flattening Eulalie Soeurs slips…

Eulalie Soeurs is the name of the lingerie shop owned by would be fascist dictator Roderick Spode in P. G. Wodehouse’s works. There will be more about him later.

…Garrard & Co. carried strings of all-black pearls…

Garrad & Co. are a famous London jewellery manufacturer founded in 1735.

…He stood near the door, waiting for her…

The man by the door is Edwin Winthrop, another of Mr Newman’s recurrent characters. He first appeared and is a major character in The Bloody Red Baron.

That’s it for Chapter 1!

Chapter 2: Mildew Manor

I am unable to find a specific reference for Mildew Manor, although it seems a somewhat common phrase on certain hotel review websites.

…bloody Aunt Agatha…

Aunt Agatha is Agatha Gregson, Bertie Wooster’s fearsome and least favourite aunt in P. G. Wodehouse’s Jeeves and Wooster stories. Bertie claims that she “kills rats with her teeth” and “is strongly suspected of turning into a werewolf at the time of the full moon”. In the AD universe either or both may be literally true!

…to vampire eyes, human veins throbbing red and blue in the moonlight…

If it wasn’t for the fact that the movie came out two years after the publication of Vampire Romance I’d suspect this description of vampiric sight was taken from the rather dull 2014 movie Dracula Untold.

…She’d heard that from Cousin Bertie…

Bertie Wooster himself, requiring ‘someone’ to take him firmly in hand.

…Miss Carlotta Francis, éditrice of The Dark Flame

Carlotta Francis is taken from an episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. She wrote a series of vampire novels (featuring a ‘Lord Fantomas’) in the 1950s before committing suicide. There seems to be a remarkable level of interest in her online with people searching for her (entirely fictional) books.

…Rudolf Valentino as Magnus in The Count, the film of the famous novel by Elinor Glyn…

Rudolph Valentino (1895-1926) was one of the first movie idols, who was already a sensation before his untimely death at age 31 sent his female fans into hysteria. One of his most popular films was 1921’s The Sheik – based on the novel by Edith Maude Hull – in which he played an imperious Arab who abducts a headstrong white woman (who then naturally falls in love with him). The Count is clearly the AD universe’s version of the film – the plot described is an amalgam of The Sheik and elements from classic vampire and mummy films.

The name ‘Count Magnus’ may be taken from the M. R. James story of the same name, featuring the undead (or something) Swedish Count Magnus de la Gardie. Or it may refer to the vampire lord Count Magnus Lee from the Japanese manga series Vampire Hunter D.

Elinor Glyn (1864 – 1943) was a British novelist and screenwriter who popularised the concept of It (in terms of charisma and sexual magnetism). She wrote a series of romantic novels that scandalised polite society and then moved on to screenplays in 1919. Valentino starred alongside Gloria Swanson in the film version of her novel Beyond the Rocks in 1922.

…Lady Diana, played by the kohl-eyed Norma Desmond…

Norma Desmond is the eccentric/insane washed-up silent movie star portrayed by Gloria Swanson in Billy Wilder’s classic 1950 film Sunset Boulevard. Mr Newman is clearly having a ball with his references here.

…The Dark Flame hinted the Italian actor had turned in secret for the role…

Given the unpredictable effects of vampirism on mirrors and film in the AD universe this would be an incredibly risky move for an actor!

..rat-ears, wolf-fangs, enlarged and almost hairless skulls, talons and long, long faces…

A fine description of Max Schreck as Count Orlok in the 1922 Dracula rip-off Nosferatu. I guess this makes The Count the AD version of The Sheik, On the Rocks, and Nosferatu all at once!

Orlok himself of course appears in Anno Dracula and The Bloody Red Baron.

…and is English-born to boot…

Valentino’s Sheik turns out to be respectably English as well, rather than a nasty foreigner.

…whereas Madame Glyn writes that the Count impatiently tears off her nightie altogether…

The movie version of The Sheik attracted some criticism from fans of the novel for omitting a rape scene.

…the (drippy, if appealingly floppy-haired) violin virtuoso Ralph Levé…

I can’t track down anything regarding this student of Paganini. I have an inkling I’m missing something extremely obvious…

…George Valentin as Rupert of Hentzau in The Vampyres of Zenda

Anthony Hope’s popular 1894 adventure novel The Prisoner of Zenda invented the Mitteleuropean kingdom of Ruritania, from whence hail several characters in the AD universe (including Rupert himself who turns up in Anno Dracula). Versions were filmed in 1913, 1915 and 1922, the latter presumably the version referenced here. One wonders if the AD version of the story is at least semi-historically accurate.

George Valentin is a silent movie start who encounters problems moving to sound in the 2011 film The Artist. Jean Dujardin won the Best Actor award at the 2012 Oscars for the role.

…stiff Lord Godalming (Lewis Stone)…

Lord Godalming is of course from Dracula and one of the major characters in Anno Dracula. Given that he was framed for the Silver Knife/Jack the Ripper murders it seems a bit strange to have him appear as a movie hero – perhaps Sherlock Holmes spread word of his innocence after the events of The Bloody Red Baron?

Lewis Stone (1879-1953) played the title role (Rudolf Rassendyll) in the 1922 version of The Prisoner of Zenda.

…to begin serialising Son of the Count

The Son of the Sheik was the 1925 sequel to The Sheik written by Edith Maude Hull. Presumably Elinor Glyn got her sequel written a bit faster. It was filmed in 1926 with Rudolph Valentino reprising his role, as well as taking on the title character. It was Valentino’s last film – he collapsed and died while on a promotional tour two weeks before its premiere.

…Otterbourne’s Nitelite Saga…

Salome Otterbourne is a romance novelist from Agatha Christie’s 1937 Hercule Poirot novel Death on the Nile. Her saga full of glittering vampires and swooning heroines can only be the AD version of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga (as such it’s a shame Jacqueline de Bellefort didn’t shoot her a couple of decade earlier…).

…Banks’s Mal de Mer mysteries…

Rosie M. Banks is a romance novelist from the Jeeves and Wooster stories of P. G. Wodehouse. Her habit giving characters names like ‘Snookie’ and ‘Lurlene’ suggests her works are the AD version of Charlaine Harris’s Southern Vampire Mysteries, (featuring Sookie Stackhouse) which have been adapted into the HBO television series True Blood.

…Vanes’s Vampyrrhic Chronicles

Harriet Vane is a mystery writer and later wife of Lord Peter Wimsey in the works of Dorothy L. Sayers. Her books written from the vampire’s point of view and full of long lectures on ancient history and Roman Catholicism must be Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles. One wonders if Lestat de Lioncourt – who has a cameo in Anno Dracula – features.

…Bram Stoker’s what-might-have-been novel…

Dracula of course!

…articles by Dione Fortune or Luna Bartendale…

Dione Fortune (1890-1946) was one of the most significant and influential occultists of the 20th century. She wrote a vast number of articles and books on occult and magical themes, and several occult novels.

Luna Bartendale is an occult detective created by Jessie Douglas Kerruish. She appeared in 1936’s The Undying Monster where she displays a number of psychic powers.

And that’s chapter 2!

Chapter 3: ‘Tell Tom Tildrum that Tim Toldrum’s Dead…’

The chapter title is from the traditional English folk tale The King of the Cats. In the story – first recorded in 1553 – a traveler hears a mysterious voice say “Tell Tom Tildrum that Tim Toldrum’s Dead”. On arrival at his destination he recounts this to his hosts, at which point their cat leaps up, says “Then I am King of the Cats!”, and vanishes up the chimney never to be seen again.

…’Sergeant Dravot,’ she acknowledged…

Sergeant Daniel Dravot is from Rudyard Kipling’s 1888 short story The Man Who Would be King. In the tale he and an associate carve out a small kingdom in remote Afghanistan by posing as gods, but their scheme is undone when Dravot is bitten by a local girl, revealing through his bleeding that he is merely a man. He is executed by being thrown into a gorge (it is tempting to suspect that in the AD universe the girl was a vampire, and Dravot  revived as one of the undead after making the plunge).

Dravot was portrayed by Sean Connery in the 1975 movie of the story.

As an employee of the Diogenes Club Dravot has a recurring role in AD works.

…How long had the Diogenes Club been keeping this eye on her?…

The Diogenes Club was introduced by Arthur Conan Doyle in the 1893 Sherlock Holmes story The Adventure of the Greek Interpreter. In the Holmes stories it is merely a (somewhat unusual) gentleman’s club, however many writers have re-interpreted it as a front for British Intelligence due to its connections with Sherlock’s older brother Mycroft.

In addition to including the club in the Anno Dracula universe Mr Newman has written a series of other works focusing on it, featuring alternative versions of many AD characters.

…But also Katharine Reed…

Journalist Katherine Reed was created by Bram Stoker for Dracula, but later cut. Mr Newman resurrected her in Anno Dracula and she has featured in his AD works ever since.

…Jennifer Chevalier… Grace Ki, the Ghost Lantern Girl… Lady Jane Ainsley…

I have not had much luck tracking down Jennifer Chevalier – it’s apparently a very common name in the real world! A Jennifer Knight appears in the 1980s classic Knight Rider but this could simply be coincidence.

Grace Ki, the Ghost Lantern Girl appears to be Mr Newman original and is mentioned as a former student in The Secrets of Drearcliff Grange.

Lady Jane Ainsley is portrayed by Frieda Inescort in 1943’s The Return of the Vampire – an unofficial Dracula sequel starring Bela Lugosi as Armand Tesla (who shows up elsewhere in the AD universe). The first part of the film is set around 1920 and sees Lady Jane defeat Tesla – presumably this incident bought her to the attention of the Diogenes Club.

…If Harold Lloyd does it they give him the key to the city…

Harold Clayton Lloyd, Sr. (1893-1971) was a famous comedy actor and stunt performer. He is best remembered today for the iconic clock dangling scene in 1923’s Safety Last! Genevieve’s comment may simply be referencing the movie, but it’s equally possible that in the AD universe Lloyd climbed buildings in real life rather than just on film.

…my friend Catriona Kaye…

Catriona Kaye is one of Mr Newman’s original characters, first mentioned as Winthrop’s fiance in The Bloody Red Baron. Winthrop may be being coy by calling her his “friend” or his experiences during the way may have altered their relationship.

…the Cult of Saamri…

Saamri is a black magician who rises from the dead to take revenge on his murderers in the 1985 Bollywood horror film 3D Saamri. He was played by Anirudh Agarwal who also portrayed the similarly named undead monster Samri in the previous year’s Purana Mandir. The later is perhaps more likely to be the entity worshiped by the cult.

== To be continued! ==

Elton, why have you forsaken me?

by Purple Wyrm on May 27, 2017

I’m rather late to the meme party, but I only just this week discovered the magnificence that is Neil Cicierega’s mashup back catalogue. For instance who would have ever thought that this combination was possible?

And what about this funky declaration that sleepin’ makes him feel good?

And how does this one even work?

My absolute favourite however has to be this little effort. There is something simply sublime about Serj Tankian’s pain filled screams superimposed on cheery Elton John pop-rock that sends the combination into the stratosphere.

If you find yourself liking this kind of stuff there’s a lot more of it up on YouTube, much of it involving Shrek. Enjoy!

Rampage Mode Activated

by Purple Wyrm on May 22, 2017

I was shocked and appalled today to discover today that the two hour long mix of retro synth-wave compiled by the Prime Thanatos that I’ve been using to get me through the work day has been taken down due to copyright claims. Outrageous! I mean there’s plenty of other two hour long mixes of retro synth-wave compiled by the Prime Thanatos, but how am I to activate rampage mode, without the assistance of that first retro synth-wave track, the name and artist of which I completely failed to note down?

So it was time to get my google-fu on.

In short order I was able to locate an archived page that, while it didn’t have the particular mix on it, had the track listing. And hence I was able to identify the track as the 2017 remix of Way Farer by SUNG and subsequently activate rampage mode successfully.

Along the way I also noted down this fine effort, the Dance with the Dead remix of Scandroid’s Neo Tokyo.

And for those of you who aren’t into retro synth-wave… I don’t know what to tell ya!.

The Voight-Kampff Test, 2017 Edition

by Purple Wyrm on May 20, 2017

What would you do if Barack Obama came to your house and rang the door bell?
Say “What’s up Barry?”

If Trump is hiding something in regards to his ties to Russia, what do you think it is?
He’s actually a Russian space dog from the 1950s who came back down with enhanced intelligence (for a dog) and a massively extended lifespan. Cosmetic surgery has made him look more or less human, but they could never get the hair quite right.

What are they hiding in Antarctica?
I’ve heard they’ve hoarding 70% of the world’s fresh water down there!

What would a crumpback whale look like?
More crooked than a humpback, but less crooked than a trumpback.

What sport would you consider watching if one rule was changed?
I’d happily watch cricket if whenever a batsman is struck out they release a velociraptor onto the field.

What songs sound like they’re about one thing, but are really about something completely different?
Every Breath You Take – The Police. People think it’s a love song, but it’s actually about the collapse of the wave function on observation in quantum physics.

What is something a Girl did on the first date that shot up a huge red flag?
A drive by on the Soviet Embassy.

What don’t your friends realise you do for them?
Serve as a dreadful warning.

You suspect that your friend is an evil green cat from Mars, who is planning to take over the human race and bring forth the Cat Supremacy. How do you prove your theory and how do you stop your friend?
Well the first thing I’d do is lower the dosage…

Men with great beards, how did you get them?
Paid a bag of guilders to Froði the beard merchant. Best investment ever!

If you could rent a billboard on a major highway for free, what would you put on it?
A picture of Lemongrab captioned “TAKE OFF YOUR THINGSSSSS!!!!”

Why do you think people smear their shit on bathroom walls?
An attempt to define man’s opposition to and yet fascination with the abject while seeking a lost connection to nature but still dominating it by using an organic yet abject, self-generated substance. Or they didn’t take their meds. Whatever.

You die and God chooses you to decide how to world ends. How do you end it?
Millions of ten foot tall, tap-dancing skeletons with top hats and canes dance out of the world’s caves and make their way to Las Vegas, tapping all the way. Once there they congregate around the Luxor pyramid, point their canes at the sky and sing “UUUUU-LAAAAAA!!” in unison. Laser beams shoot from their canes, hit the sun and make it instantly go supernova incinerating the Earth along with the rest of the solar system.

What are the famous places in North America?
Toledo Ohio

A new law is introduced where all items for sale must be priced at cost of production + 20% profit. What are the biggest changes?
Dr Dre would end up homeless on a street corner trying to sell headphones to passers by for loose change.

Dear Americans, are there actually awesome random tree houses around towns like in Stand by Me, Sandlot, Bridge to Terebithia, and Dennis the Menace? Who builds them? Who claims ownership?
No one is quite sure how or why they appear. They just materialise – often literally overnight. Now and then one will suddenly vanish along with any children inside. This is accepted as a tribute to whatever entities construct them and send them to our world.

How much do you love your dog? Would you give up a kidney for them?
Like, for them to eat?

Other than a nuclear bomb, what would it take to remove all members of Congress and the Senate?
A conventional bomb?

How do you restore your soul if you’re dead inside?
Drink the blood of a virile youth (it worked for the Pope!)

Do you ever feel like the birds in your yard where planted by somebody to spy on you?
Ask your Doctor if Professor Pink’s Anti-Paranoia pills are right for you!

What’s your favourite place to dump your victims corps?
Back at the barracks, where they belong.

Who’s your favorite Walking Dead character and why?
That guy who had a beard in one season and didn’t in another, and he was almost bitten by a zombie but just avoided it, and then he had a fight with that other guy.

What have you always wanted to know about tractors?
What advantage does one of these new-fangled “tractors” have over my old mule Clancy?

What herbivore would be scary as hell if it were a carnivore?
Horses. You ever look into the eye of a horse? They’re insane!

What happens to all the kitchenware generated by replicators for every meal in Star Trek?
They throw them out the airlock. It’s one of the main reasons for hostility between the Federation and the Klingons.

How old do you think Earth is, and how old do you think human life is?
The Earth was created last Tuesday with all memories and history intact. Humanity is a little over 12 billion years old. Resolving this paradox is the chief issue facing physics today.

The last thing that injured you was radioactive and gave you appropriate superpowers, what can you now do?
I have the powers of a broken plastic storage tub?

What’s your favourite animal you can find in Georgia?
The North American Trash Kitten

If you had a band what would it be called and what type of music would you play?
We’d be called TRVË BRVTÄL KVLT and perform gentle acoustic covers of Paul Simon songs.

What happens if you use a calculator in a dream?
It turns into a dragon that’s also your uncle even though you don’t have an uncle or at least you didn’t think you did but he turns up in his pickup truck and you have to load the wood into the back but the wood doesn’t want to go in the back and you’re very concerned about the rights of the wood as written in the Constitution which is actually a book you have in front of you but when you try to read it all the words are blurry and somehow they’re also tadpoles and you have to all catch the tadpoles before you can get your foot repaired.

Every X has a Y. What are X and Y?
I think you misheard. The correct lyrics are “Every rose has its thorn”.

What was the number one song the week you were born?
The Ted Mulry Gang!? But they suck!

What method have you found to be the most successful for you to stop seeing dinosaurs in your day dreams?
Every time you think of a brontosaurus get someone to kick you in the crotch.

If you only had $5, what would you buy?
I’d buy you 0.000005 of a monkey (haven’t you always wanted 0.000005 of a monkey?)

What are some things you would learn in an elf defense course?
The correct use of ring-based river control to drive away Nazgul.

Those who have renounced darkness, why did you do it?
Justin’s lycra outfits were just too revealing.

If GWAR is a caricature of metal bands, what bands are caricatures of other musical genres?
KISS are a parody of this rock band from the 70s called “KISS”

What could the word onomatopoeia be an onomatopoeia for?
An empty wooden barrel bounding down a staircase and falling apart halfway down.

Where do we put all the carbon?
Turn it into a giant diamond and put it in orbit around the MOOOOOOON!!!

What’s your best way to get back at a bully?
Conceal a gamma ray source in their bedroom.

What are the kids into these days?
Dabbing and violence gangs.

What’s the one cringe-worthy memory of yourself that continually pops up in your mind?
The one?

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
David Bowie appears and performs Let’s Dance.

Change a word in a movie title to “breakfast”, what is it now about?
Star Wars: Breakfast of the Sith. Anakin and Palpatine sitting on a balcony on Coruscant, eating muffins and drinking tea while discussing the breakfast preferences of Darth Plagueis the Wise for two hours.

When pregnant women go to pregnant women classes, who picks them up?
I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.

What do you think is a good minor for Electrical Engineering?
Theology, so you can construct your own ELECTRICAL GOD!

If you were a wizard, what pranks would you play on non-wizards for fun?
Turn their money into snakes.

What was the most god awful, cringiest part of your life that you want to forget?
Everything from about age 8 to 25?

What would be a good reason to call off your marriage?
You discover your partner is really a giant wasp who only wants to tie the knot so they can implant their eggs in your body.

What’s the best way to build a chicken coup?
El Presidente! The Chickens! They have risen!

You are the first person to land on Mars. What do you say?
“I claim this planet in the name of David Bowie!” Then I click on my walkman and get down like Star Lord, but with Let’s Dance instead of Redbone.

Why don’t you wear overalls?
Because I don’t work in heavy industry and I’m older than 10.

What are people slowly starting to remember?
The 10,000 year reign of the Necro-Mantis.

What started the USA – North Korea nuclear tension?
The last half century of history?

Before Mapquest and Google Maps, how did you navigate when driving?
There was a thing called a “map” which was a bit of paper with roads drawn on it. And there were collections of these maps bound together into a thing called a “book”. And you would keep one of these “books” in your car and find your way by careful scrying of the “maps” it contained.

What are some dark facts about Khan Academy?
Their use of Ceti Eels to ensure compliance.

What would you like to know about Wales?
Is it true that “eisteddfod” is Welsh for “oh God, make them stop”?

What happens when an immovable force meets an unstoppable object?
Anton LaVay sings Yes, We Have No Bananas, accompanied by H. P. Lovecraft on church organ.

So, what happened with United Airlines?
They tried to remove a man from a flight and he turned into a Bloodthirster of Khorne which destroyed O’Hare Airport and killed hundreds. United is refusing to pay for the repairs.

What would shock a person from 1957 about 2017?
Jeeze Louise! Don’t nobody wear hats no more?

People sitting in your car in the grocery store parking lot: What the hell are you doing?
Watching you. Yes, specifically YOU.

What time is it?
Hammer Time!

What part of our society was actually just a marketing campaign?
I believe the Nazi party started out as some kind of beer hall loyalty card promotion.

What’s the most metal band name you can think of?
Üüüüääääþþüü. Posers pronounce it as “oo-arth-thoo” but true fans know that it cannot be pronounced by human tongues.

Those who have achieved astral projection, how did you do it? What tips do you have?
Steer clear of the crew that never rests. They’re jerks who still owe me money.

Whobis your most favorite james bond character?
Yes! Evil billionaire Whobis is indeed my favourite James Bond character!

Why is the sky brownish-yellow right now?

When meeting my girlfriend’s parents for the first time, is it expected that I should bring a gift?
No, but you will be expected to pin her father to prove your reproductive fitness.

If you were forced to open a bakery, what would you name it?
“BEAR BREAD”. If anyone asked why “bear” bread, I’d ban them.

What is the difference between progressive house and progressive trance?
Progressive house goes “der der der der der der” and progressive trance goes “deeeeeeeeeeeeer”

Why are flat Earthers the way they are?
Carbon monoxide poisoning?

Who are these people that keep asking for thinner and thinner phones?
The shadow people. They want phones as thin as themselves so they can co-ordinate their take over of the world.

What’s the weirdest celebrity fun fact you know?
On 9/11 Steve Buscemi threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell, and plummeted 16 ft through an announcer’s table.

Why are people so against letting cats go outside?
They kill wildlife, get hit by cars, get into fights, smoke, drag race up and down the block, read violent comic books, listen to raucous rock and roll records and corrupt the morals of younger children.

Besides money, what is a benefit of running a skeleton crew?
You only have to manage one Necromancer rather than a ship full of fractious sailors.

How do you kill time?
With a dagger forged from pure darkness within the heart of a dead star.

Why do loggers leave large rocks on tree stumps?
Tributes to Geologis, the god of stone who shall one day petrify all wood.

What is the best cordless beard trimmer for men?
The Weasel 5000 Flesh Ripper

Why do we sometimes hiccup when we eat spicy food?
Food is spicy because of the presence of capsaicin, which binds to the vanilloid receptor subtype 1 (TRPV1) in the mucus membranes of mammals, creating a burning sensation by allowing cations to pass through the cell membrane. The cations in question were created by Satan and are infused with demonic spirits, causing your body to attempt an exorcism by strongly contracting the diaphragm and (about 0.25 second later) closing the vocal cords, resulting in a hiccup.

Who built the pyramids?

The Egyptians built the Egyptian pyramids, the Nubians built the Nubian pyramids, the Aztecs built the Aztec pyramids, the Mayans built the Mayan pyramids, the Chinese built the Chinese pyramids, Circus Circus Enterprises built the Luxor Las Vegas and no one built the Bosnian pyramids because they’re not pyramids, they’re just some oddly shaped hills looked at by a nationalist nutcase.

If you went to a bar and order a shot called the trump, what would be in it?
A hairy turd floating in orange juice.

What songs from the 70’s should be in the next Guardians of the Galaxy film?
Bella Lugosi’s Dead. The franchise is going to get really dark.

Why did cricket not become popular in the US given its English history?
The Monroe Doctrine specifically outlawed ‘the effete and unmanly game of playing at crickete’

How long do you think you could last in a rocket before contracting Space Madness?
Is there a jolly, candy-like button for me to guard?

Then I wouldn’t make it five minutes.

Which language is hardest to learn?
The language of the Molemen. It’s tonal, has 74 distinct vowels and makes heavy use of the notorious “voiced snore”.

What is the name of the song Snoop Dogg played after thug life compilation video?
I believe it was “I took a trip on a Gemini Spacecraft” by the Legendary Stardust Cowboy.

Why doesn’t Atreyu sink in the swamps of sadness when Artax sinks?
The Swamps of Sadness are lined with horse magnets.

If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
For the tax benefits. It’s actually a really smart move financially.

What are your thoughts for or against a large unidentified hominid living in North America?
The President is well identified!

What makes absolutely 0% sense to you?
Investing your self worth in a group people who run around chasing a ball to the extent that when they don’t win at chasing a ball you get all upset and possibly violent.

What is a dark part of your school’s history that they cover up?
That thing with the racist and his snake.

What are some good deep, late night conversation topics?
“Has there ever actually been a pepper-pot polar bear train?”

If your surname was a fruit, what color would it be?


In a hypothetical scenario, the population of Planet Earth would be immediately reduced to 1 billion. What would your proposal for who gets to stay alive and who has to die be?
Let’s start with the Juggalos and Juggalo sympathizers/enablers. Then we’ll move on to the Beliebers. Keep moving down the list. Fans of One Direction, people who park at bus stops, Lyndon Larouche, people who put bandanas on their dogs – y’know, scum.

What will happen if a human inhales 300 million years old air?
Evolutionary theory tells us they would instantly devolve into a tree frog.

How would you spell the sound that a dial up connection makes?

Why are you against globalism and trade agreements?
Because once the world is a single, global market the Reptilians will eat our souls with their their communist spambots!

What is the manliest way to bathe?
With a wolf in an Icelandic hot spring under the full moon while bellowing out hymns to Thor.

What time is it?
Time for the Guru!

What has a head and a tail but no body?
A badly mangled possum.

If you ever make a secret society, what would be it about?
We would have all kinds of secret signals and wear robes and masks and make strange hand gestures while chanting in Latin, and then when the outsiders have been banished and doors have been sealed we’d chill out and eat donuts. None of that Krispy Kreme garbage either. Really good donuts.

What makes Toto’s “Africa” such a good song?
The “dum dum-dum du-dum dum-dum” bit and the “dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doob” bit.

How come you cant open a strip club near a place of worship?
You’d never get the priests out of there to hold services.

How would you react if there was a website you can buy live human sperm?
You mean there’s not?

Who is a villain whose story is misunderstood?
Grendel just wanted a good night’s sleep without being kept awake by the frat-boy Geats next door partying every single night.

What’s going to save us from global warming?
Once the oceans become sufficiently acidic from absorbing CO2 the Deep Ones will emerge and “reconfigure our industry” to make it carbon neutral (ie: kill us all).

What is underneath an escalator?
Piles of highly flammable shit. (Except in the New York subway system where it’s just piles of literal shit)

People who knows Parkinson, how this disease affect you and your family?
It’s rather mean to refer to Britain’s most popular talk show host as a disease!

Where do babies come from?
Baby manufacture was outsourced to the molemen of Agharta in the 1970s. They import by-catch from the South East Asian shrimp fishery, mulch it into amino acids and weave them into children on genetic looms. Babies are dispatched to requesting hospitals via a system of lubricated underground tubes.

What do wild horses eat during the winter?

Why do meth addicts buying cold medicines want the receipt?
For their tax records, obviously.

You just discovered a new species of animal. What does it look like, where does it dwell, what does it eat, and what do you name it?
Looks like a dirty old sock, lives in sock drawers, eats single socks, I call it Sebastian.

What would you do if you had a bodyguard who was a silverback gorilla?
Whatever the hell I wanted.

People who don’t bathe/clean themselves regularly, why not?
Washing removes the natural oils evolved by nature to keep you clean! I haven’t washed in years, so they’re bound to kick in any minute now!

How come my wife’s feet stink so bad?
Um, yeah. That’s not your wife, it’s a coyote that randomly wandered in. You should probably get your eyes checked.

It is the year 4000 AD. What is the 21st century remembered for?
The 21st century was a time of myth when legendary figures such as Kimshonoon, Bu-Tin the Great and Tedonnal burnt the Earth with nuclear fire! Of course no one these days takes such stories seriously.

How does it all work?
It’s the molemen! And their ancient Hyperborean beam-ray machines!

What one rule would you add to any gameshow to make it more popular?
If you want to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune you have to fight a wolverine for it.

When you’re making a sandwich, are you supposed to butter both slices of bread or just one?
Both you heathen!

Guy Fieri arrives at your door unannounced and orders you to cook him a meal. What do you make him?
I throw some beans, ketchup and cheese in a pot along with an entire container of chili flakes, heat it up, throw it on the floor and yell “Eat this like the pig you are Fieri!”

Gordon Ramsay tells you that you’ll never amount to anything. What do you say?
“Yes Chef!”

What historical events have been hidden from man?

The centuries long rule of the Necro-Mantis.

How come people with Aspergers tend to have better pattern recognition?

I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill your mirror neurons.

Will I still be alive when china makes a new fireman suit will they tell me in a vidio?
Son, I’m only going to tell you this one time. If you want to keep working here, stay off the drugs.

Steve from Blue’s Clues is now your boss. What is life at work like now?
Pretty good, except he keeps telling everyone they’re a mighty little man.

Introverts, what is the answer to the question ‘Why are you so quiet?’
“Because I’m plotting the destruction of your pathetic species, human.”

Why are dinosaurs so intriguing?
Their finely nuanced views on politics.

Who will be my Venus?
No one?

Aliens come down and say that we have been living in a simulation. What would of been a clue?
All those dead pixels on the sun (sunspots my ass!)

Why is your religion right?
Because God comes to visit us regularly and accept our sacrifices. When you see that big ol’ head hovering above you, spewing out guns and saying that the penis is evil, you’re gonna believe!

Why Germany don’t own NAZI Germany anymore?
Churchill and Roosevelt punched Hitler in the face and he fell to the ground crying like a little girl and then De Gaul kicked him the balls while Ghandi made him punch himself in the nose while saying “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!” and then Curtin came and dropped a koala on him which pissed everywhere and then they (except Hitler) all went off for lunch together and laughed at how much of a pussy Hitler was and Ghandi had the samosas. So in conclusion it’s not quite a mop and it’s not quite a puppet, but man!

Who is the most terrible person in the whole world?
William Costa Evans of Churchill Gardens in Margate in the United Kingdom. His depredations would be legendary if the press were not too intimidated to report on them.

what to do noticed that im having much more fun jerking off rattler than going out?
It’s a brave soul who’ll try to jerk off a rattler.

What comes immediately to mind when you think of Indian people?
Their insane lust for nuclear weapons.

What popular classic movies and books do you know of but you really aren’t clear on how the actual story goes?
Well, in Casablanca there’s a woman who walks into a bar, and a guy who plays the piano again, and a plane full of midgets and possibly something to do with a hill of beans.

What are some examples in contemporary society of Contact Theory successfully being practiced?
When Jodie Foster got in that big machine and it went woooo woooo woooo and she met an alien who looked like her dad but really she didn’t go anywhere and no one believed her so she had to go and live in the woods and make all these weird noises and I spilt my popcorn and they wouldn’t give me any more 🙁

What is your favorite memory of the future?
The one about The Big Goodbye where the gangster called Wil Wheaton a fag because he didn’t play football.

What is the greatest thing mankind has ever achieved?
Those guitars that are… like… double guitars

What is the most scary,or creepy story you know?
There was this dark, dark wood with a dark, dark, house full of nested stuff that was also dark and dark and if you went through all of that shit you’d eventually find something really scary like… a scorpion or something?

Why do you sometimes randomly get a ringing sound in your ear?
Probably one of Insects from Shaggai flying in or out of your brain.

Where’s the best place to get a bloatware-free high-end gaming PC that won’t be obsolete in a few years?

What is your favorite Star Trek race?
Bajorans. They have very cute noses.

Why can’t I see the Supermoon?
The supermoon only reveals itself to the virtuous.

You are a ruthless dictator in today’s society. Which annoying every-day acts are now punishable by death?
Confusing turtles with tortoises or blimps with airships.

What do you need to build a meth-lab?
A poor sense of self preservation.

Which are the top ten giants contributing to the net GDP of the world?
1: Fionn mac Cumhaill
2: Pantagruel
3: Gargantua
4: Gog
5: Robert Wadlow
6: Magog
7: Paul Bunyan
8: Ginormica
9: Apache Chief
10: Ultraman

What is something wrong with Yankees?
Their habit of confusing fashion accoutrements with pasta.

Why am I attracted to shirtless hunks even though I’m not gay?
Yeah, you’re probably a bit gay.

Why does “texas” have all the same letters as “taxes” just 2 of them switched around? What’s REALLY going on here?
Keep asking questions like that and they’ll take you off to Denver Airport

What Harry Potter house do you think you belong to? Why?
Ravenclaw because I’m not an everybody-gets-a-prize tryhard, a quidditch obsessed glory hound or an arrogant backstabbing shitlord.

What are you looking forward to in 2020?
World takeover by Megacorps, cheap cybernetic limbs, aerodyne ambulances, compulsory mirrorshades and lots of Japanese neon signs everywhere.

Why did millennials let this happen?
Given the chance, Millennials would kill you and everyone you care about!

Is it unethical to put 5000 mcg of LSD in my boss’s coffee?
Not if he really deserves it.

How you deal with your stupidity?
I rely on the Dunning-Kruger Effect to shield me from knowledge of it.

What are your thoughts on Vulcans?

What are the chains on the undercarriage next to the wheels on an ambulance for?
Emergency restraints for injured supervillains.

If you mutated into a Marvel hero, what would your power be if it were based on your weird quirk or talent IRL?
I would be able to project my depression into other people. Try and take over the world when you can’t crawl out of bed Magneto!

On a scale of potato to box, how sexy are you?

What would be the plot and/or hit song from a Disney movie based on your life?
Disney would take one look at my life and throw himself into the ocean.

Which free lancing sites are beneficial?
Free lancing?! I have to pay to get my boils lanced!

Why can’t america just take over every country and just make the whole world america? Wouldn’t this solve, like ALL the world’s problems?
Oh good lord.

Has a T.V. channel rerun an already finished show, but treated it as if it was a new show?
Welcome to Australian television!

What are the two large visible balls under my jawlines?
They’re just your Progenoid glands. When they reach maturity (or when you’re killed in action – whichever comes first) the Apothecary will remove them to provide gene-seed for the next generation of your Chapter.

What’s your favourite stupid drunken purchase?

If you had a chance to become a vampire or a werewolf, which would you choose?
“Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die.” – Sounds like hell, I’ll take werewolf.

How can a rock get wet?
Hand it over to Andrew W.K.

What makes your day?
The rotation of the Earth around its axis.

What is something to look forward to in 2017?
In mid August President Trump will finally allow kerosene heaters to be installed in the internment camps! Sheer luxury!

Serious saitama vs Gurren Lagann piloted by war arc naruto and sasuke. Who will prevail?
Um… Domo Arigato Mr Roboto?

Who will play Trump in the TV movie chronicling the 2016 election?
I’m sure Weta Workshops will be able to build something.

Where did the term ‘snake oil’ come from and what does it actually mean in context?
In the olden days the main source of fuel for cars was melted down rattlesnakes. When Thomas Edison invented gasoline he started a publicity campaign that derided the old snake-based fuel as “Snake Oil” and it was so successful that the phrase came to mean anything unreliable or fraudulent – which is ironic as rattlesnake drippin’s actually have a much higher octane rating than petroleum based fuel.

How does one get baby spiders out of one’s rectum?
Give them access to a more attractive rectum.

What do you do every night before you sleep?
Pray to Shrek, thanking him for the life I’ve been given

How did you find yourself?
Looked behind the sofa. I was there all the time!

Why did you get Tinder?
So if I’m stuck in the wilderness it’ll be easier for me to start a fire.

Is it safe to drink off of cans of pop or whatever from gas stations?
No it is not. Many gas stations remove the tops of the cans, insert dead rats, then seamlessly reseal them using special equipment. (No one is quite sure why they do this – it may have something to do with the Shriners).

Why women give love to the men who punch the shit out of them and let me alone and forced to visit prostitutes?
No one is forcing you to visit prostitutes. The prostitute thing is entirely voluntary on your part.

Who was that musician who was also a scientist that supposedly invented a super efficient experimental engine that was later stolen and got him killed?
Are you sure that wasn’t a dream you had?

What is neutron in election?
Last I heard, electoral franchise had not been extended to sub-atomic particles.

Why do you have trouble sleeping at night?
Gnomes coming out of the walls and trying to steal my breath.

What scenario best describes Irony?
Singing a massive hit song on the subject of irony that contains comparatively few actual instances of irony.

What are the realities of law and order in our society today?
They’re really running out of good plots and Mariska Hargitay is looking more and more tired each season.

What do you want for Christmas?
Hermione Granger and a rocketship!

Do white girls like it when cute Indian guys eat egg curry while making gainz?
Sure, why the hell not.

What is the most profound utterance in the history of mankind?
“Movin’ to Montana soon, gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon” — Frank Zappa

What is the best Dutch fairytale?
Jan van der Berg and the Windmill of Doom

If you could spend 30 seconds on the phone with any living person, who would you call and what would you say?
Madonna. Then as soon as she came on the line I’d say “I don’t have time to talk to you” and hang up.

What’s the name of that thing invented in America?

How would you feel if you walked in on your partner having sex with Pikachu?
I have a partner and Pokemon are real!? This is the best day ever!!!

Why do u think the people dont know how to add and subtract when they are eating a blowjob?
Eating a blowjob?

What is your favorite part in bee movie?
I like the part where Jerry Seinfeld says “Bee”.

What do headaches actually feel like?
Like an Objectivist gnome has crawled into your skull and is beating on the inside of it with a copy of Atlas Shrugged.

What is the most unusual thing that has happened to you at the time of reading a book?
Does a comic book count? ‘Cause I was reading one in a diner and a hand came out and pulled me in, and then we got chased around by some evil bikers with a pipe wrench and I only just escaped and there was this catchy Scandinavian music playing that went “Doo-doo-doo do-do do-do-do-do-do, doo-doo-doo do-do do-do-do-do-do”.

What would you like to see the media cover instead?
Dachshund races. The world would be a better place with more news on dachshund races.

In English, what feeling currently lacks its own word?
When you’re driving across the salt flats at somewhere over 150 kmph and your suspension is kind of shot so you’re really feeling it and you can’t really see where you’re going because you’re injecting heroin into one eyeball and you did the other one five minutes ago and the focus is going in and out and you think the hyena in the back seat is getting lose, but you’re pretty sure you tied the knots tight so it might just be the Fear and then your phone goes off and it’s your accountant screaming and pleading with you to come back but all you can think about is whether you put enough stamps on that package last week and if not what Amy is going to do on Saturday without her hat and then you lose control and spin out and in that final second before you plow into the ground and light up the entire playa in a glorious fireball of destruction you unaccountably remember that time when you were ten and your xylophone broke and the look on her face when she saw it. That feeling.

You’re now a Pirate, what do you get instead of a hook hand?

What’s an interesting bit of trivia about a popular (or not) entertainment franchise (movie, show, game, etc)?
The Marvel Cinematic Universe version of Nick Fury wears dentures because he carved a chess set out of his own teeth.

Why don’t monkeys wear hats?
Monkey aint’ got no time for hats. Monkey just got time for monkeyshines.

How do you plead?

Why so some elderly people walk so slow?
When 900 years old you reach, walk as fast you will not.

What sort of sticky situations has your robot clone gotten you into while you were fast asleep in the middle of the night?
He started an underground boxing club that was actually a front for an anarchist terrorist organisation. Took ages to clear that mess up!

What is the biggest problem in America?
Badgers. Nixon let them in and they’ve been stealing silver from the Archbishops ever since. The Eastern conference alone has lost millions and has had to go into hock every Labour Day for the last 28 years. Liberace tried to stop them, and you know what happened to him! Bloody Hildegarde and her pop-pop boats!

Why c.h.e.a.t. people in the name of .g.o.d. ? if you dont b.e.l.i.e.v.e. in g.o.d. ? then w.h.y. do you write on dollar *In God We Trust* ?
Your punctuation makes me not believe in god.

What is it called if you believe that other people aren’t real?
Being Jaden Smith

Toilet paper users, what do you think of bidets?
Corrupt bathroom fixtures of the bourgeoisie!

What do women really want?
Women want to be free. They want to be free to do what they wanna do, and they wanna get loaded, and have a good time. That’s what they’re gonna do, they’re gonna have a good time, they’re gonna have a party!

How does one get a girlfriend in college?
Speak to your student advisor, they’ll provide you with the appropriate requisition form.

When someone tells you the earth is flat how do you react?
I have no idea as I don’t hang around with morons.

If you could make someone “magically” disappear, who would it be and why?
Does “magically” mean some men come around with a roll of carpet and a car with a big trunk and in 40 years time they find a skeleton while demolishing a football stadium?

What insect disgusts you the most?
Barry. He leaves his dirty dishes in the sink and never empties the ashtray on the balcony

Which country is god from?
According to Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians, Guatemala.

What are your thoughts on armadillos?
Armour plated leprosy lizards.

When you look in the mirror and tell yourself “Oh heck yeah, I’m looking good/sexy tonight…” isn’t that hidden homosexuality?
Yes, which is why I’m always careful to look like crap.

And you’re doing it really well!

What is the one couple (whether fictional or not) that makes you believe in love?
Justin Hawkins and the giant space squid.

What are some positive things about a Trump presidency?
He can’t kill us all in only four years.

What common forms of white men do racism face?
I’ll take confused babbling for $400 Alex!

Which is your luky clour?

Is that some kind of pokemon?

What is your reaction to darkness?
Start singing along! “Black Shuck! Black Shuck! BLAAAAACK Shuck!”

Why did rose throw the necklace into the sea at the end of titanic?
‘Cause she’s a basic bitch.

You walk into a strip club and Stone Cold Steve Austin is on stage pelvic thrusting. What do you do?
Go home and think about my life.

What is one show that ended too soon?
They could have easily got five or six more seasons out of the Drew Carey Show. Like, what if Drew got turned into a moose? Or got a job operating a hot air balloon? Or killed himself and went to hell where the devil was a bad boss?

What is Mele Kalikimaka?
The Indonesian name for Mortal Combat.

What is your favorite rodeo event?
The Hobo Parade.

What about the future frightens you the most?
The return of the Necro-Mantis

Books they Made Me Read at High School

by Purple Wyrm on April 20, 2017

Macbeth by William Shakespeare (Pretty good!)

The Legends of King Arthur by someone who I can’t quite remember  (Plenty of fun to be had here)

A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin (Two words – Kick. Arse!)

The Collected Poems of Bruce Dawe (Moving along…)

Hamlet by William Shakespeare (Awesome!)

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens (OK, but a bit long winded)

Tess of the D’Urbevilles by Thomas Hardy (Not bad)

A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams (The Simpsons did it better)

The Go Between by L. P. Hartley (The past is a foreign country. They write fucking terrible novels there.)

FOOD of the GODS

by Purple Wyrm on April 19, 2017

I am SHOCKED and APPALLED by Justin McElroy’s vicious attack on the Jesters Chicken Parmi pie.

The Jesters Chicken Parmi pie is the FOOD OF THE GODS, and I will fight any man who says otherwise!

And when I say “Food of the Gods” I am of course referencing the 1976 schlock horror film.

Not to mention its 1989 sequel, featuring the incomparable Bobby.