Walk with Haste if you Choose to Stay…

by Purple Wyrm on December 8, 2018

Some time back my good friend Ryan introduced me to Hero Forge – a quite brilliant website that allows you to design customised gaming figurines and then have them 3D printed. I’ve been playing around with it and on a whim decided to try and make figures from the Third Wheel’s equally brilliant web series Thrilling Intent.

I present the results – of varying quality – below.

Markus VelafiFirst up I present our favourite Tiefling Sorcelock – the man who’s made of lies and smiles – Markus Velafi.

Not Markus VelafiThis of course is not Markus Velafi. This is merely an innocent bystander. Markus Velafi? Never heard of him.

Horatio ProtagonisteOf course big man on campus Horatio Protagoniste requires no introduction!

gregor2My second attempt at good guy with a glaive, Gregor Hartway. I’m pretty happy with this version.

AsheMy final take on Ashe. Now with bracers!

InienInien of course, who is better than you. Her costume is a bit off (although suitably stylish if not entirely overwrought), but the attitude is dead on.

kier2Version two of Human Number One (out of a sample size of one), Kier Fiore.

ThogThog, lead pipe in hand, ready to defend his money from the Tax Goat. I’m actually pretty happy with him, all he needs is a waistcoat (vest to you Americans).

Don'tDon’t! Baking pan in hand to make you some delicious pastry (or sacrifice you to her Queen…)

RatOur favourite giggling purveyor of EXTREMELY CURSED items, Rat!

Hronk!And here’s one of his awful babies. HRROOONNNK!!

HarlockAnd last but definitely not least Chellisandre Harleaux – AKA Harlock. I’m very happy with this depiction.

I’m probably not done with this. Colvin is likely coming up, and how can I resist Vern with his skeleton legs? But that’s it for today at least…


verneI said I wouldn’t be able to resist making Verne. Here he is, shooting skeletons out of his sleeves and showing off his bony legs (he is a semi-litch after all!).

colvinA not terribly accurate version of Colvin. It’s frankly amazing that I was able to cover up his eye!

kylilA rather dramatic version of Kylil, complete with a lantern.

ballastHey Guuuuuuuuuurl! It’s Ballast McGee!

zalvettaAnd finally the abomination that is Zalvetta (I think that’s what the spirit folk called him, isn’t it?)

Right, I am done now.

Horrible Warhammer 40k Memes

by Purple Wyrm on November 17, 2018

Sometimes I just can’t help myself…

That's a Paddlin'

Oh, you better believe that’s a Paddlin’!


It's GellAr - With an 'A' you idiots!

It’s GellAr – With an ‘A’ you idiots!


Warmaster Horace

Warmaster Horace


The Primarch Leman Ross

The Primarch Leman Ross (Thanks to Ryan for inspiration)





Joeytai Khan

Joeytai Khan

Medieval Holy Land Pilgrimage Monopoly!

by Purple Wyrm on November 15, 2018

It is generally agreed that Monopoly is a terrible board game. It is incredibly long and incredibly dull while at the same time somehow being viciously predatory. It’s the kind of game where you spend hours shuffling bits of paper around while developing a deep and abiding hatred for all the other players, one of whom always wins because they’re so invested in the thing as to have studied the extremely simple yet extremely dull strategies required for a guaranteed win. Burn in boardgame hell Monopoly!

Despite this, my brain has wandered unstoppably down one of those strange little paths of busfuckery that plague me so, and designed a reskin of the game that’s bound to be far more popular than that “Millennial Edition” they’re currently hawking. I have invented Medieval Holy Land Pilgrimage Monopoly!

The streets are replaced with cities on the pilgrimage routes from northwest Europe to Jerusalem. Players collect gold by constructing Inns and Hospices. The railways are replaced with great medieval ports – let’s say London, Venice, Constantinople and Acre – while the utilities are holy relics – perhaps the Spear of Longinus and the True Cross. Players don’t go to Jail, they get captured for Ransom. “Community Chest” becomes “The Knights Hospitaller”, and “Chance” is retitled “Fate” for that true medieval flavour. The playing pieces are – of course – replicas of pilgrim badges.

It will be massive! I await my royalty check from Hasbro.

The Strange Case of Randolph Peterson

by Purple Wyrm on November 7, 2018

Recently my local pizzeria – a place I buy far too many dinners from – underwent a major renovation. As part of this they got rid of the plastic outdoor furniture that was doing service as a place to wait for one’s order and installed a couple of luxurious dining booths, upholstered in funky vinyl decorated with a pattern of reproduced newspaper articles and Cuban postage stamps (yes, you read that right – Cuban postage stamps).

One of these articles has been catching my eye each time I’ve visited, and I here reproduce what parts of it are visible beneath other articles and stamps commemorating Columbus’s voyage to the new world…


Randolph Peterson, citizen of Boston that was living at the 138 Lane Street, is said disapeared [sic] since November 18. Randolph Peterson lived in Boston during his young times. At the age of 12 he contracted a strange and very severe illness that grag [sic] him in the coma for one full year. At the age of 13 he waked [sic] up from his coma, the illness was miraculously gone but he suffered of amnesia and had difficulty to readapt [sic] himself to a normal life. This ilness [sic] also left […] Some years ago he went to Africa to pursue some studies on pagan cults and living habits in some Afri- […]of still […] he […]u  ive[…] an inspect […] up soon to atr[…] him by the local authorities. If you have any information about where Randol-

What initially attracted my notice to this rather fragmentary account was the combination of extremely Lovecraftian elements, to wit a strange disappearance, New England, the name ‘Randolph’, a mysterious illness, amnesia and pagan cults. It almost read like a retread of The Shadow Out of Time! So I hurried home (once I had my pizza and garlic bread) and started Googling, confident that I would soon uncover whatever piece of sub-Derleth fan fiction the article derived from…

But… nothing….

I have been entirely unable to find any instance of Randolph Peterson and his mysterious vanishing anywhere online.

So, where did it come from?

Assuming that it wasn’t thrown together by some graphic designer on a Cthulhu binge I rather suspect that it may be a genuine article collected from an African newspaper. The rest of the articles used on the pattern appear genuine, and although I’m no linguist the slightly eccentric English has – to me – a distinctly African feeling to it, constructions such as “readapt himself” and “suffered of amnesia” . Randolph Peterson does not appear to exist anywhere on the internet, so I imagine it’s a fairly old article, even though some of the others appear quite recent (one concerns online music teaching).

So there the mystery must rest. Was Randolph Peterson ever real, and if so, what happened to him?

We may never know.

Cartographic Armageddon

by Purple Wyrm on September 8, 2018

Guess what? I’m back on that 40k Mapping thing again!

Behold Armageddon, one of the most fought over planets in the Imperium, with a Chaos invasion led by a Daemon Primarch, two Ork invasions led by Margaret Thatcher and the current general insanity caused by GW’s decision to move the plot forward under its belt.

Armageddon tired of GW's Cartographic Ignorance

Armageddon tired of GW’s Cartographic Failures…

It’s a pretty nice map, however ever since its publication everyone at GW has completely forgotten how to read it.

Look at those lines. That’s right, the curved ones. They indicate that we’re not looking at a flat map, we’re looking at some kind of globular projection. Furthermore notice that the lines are slanted – that means that we’re not looking at the map from a  cardinal direction (north, south, east or west), but at an angle. And hey! Look in the upper right hand corner! One of the lines is marked as the equator! This tells us that north is to the upper left!



Unfortunately this is something that has escaped the notice of GW’s writers and artists who have consistently read it as a flattened, north oriented map, even publishing redraws of it with an upwards pointing compass rose slapped on top – most notably in the recent reprint of Gavin Thorpe’s Annihilation Squad (a damn good read actually, despite the compass directions being all screwy BECAUSE NO ONE AT GW CAN READ A GODDAMN MAP!).

Perhaps the silliest aspect of this are the planet’s famous equatorial jungles. If we look at the map above we can see that this name makes sense – they sit right across the planet’s equator. If we go by the later maps however they’re just randomly plonked running north to south, giving one the impression that whatever Ordo Cartographica scribe first charted the planet was hitting the amasec really hard.

So, what to do about this all this malarkey (apart from making a ranting blog post that no one else will ever care about)? Why, redraft the map of course!

Now, this is a bit easier said than done. The globular projection adds all kinds of distortions and while I am sure there is software out there that can correct them in the twinkling of a nurgling’s eye I don’t have access to them. So I decided to go old school and resort to paper and pencil.

Step one was to make the map grid a bit denser. I did this by tracing the existing grid in Inkscape and then running additional lines between each of them, splitting each of the existing map squares into four. Step two was to grab a piece of graph paper and sketch in the details of each square…

So there we have it! That’s what a flattened out, north oriented Armageddon map really looks like! Armageddon Primus is actually north of Armageddon Secundus and the entire continent is stumpier than the angled view suggests

So, I now expect GW to start using this corrected version immediately! ;D

EDIT: Yes, it is rather strange that the continent to the west (the Dead Lands) is completely frozen over while the central continent (at the same latitudes) isn’t. There’s a clue to this in that the eastern continent (the Fire Wastes) appear to be barren desert. This would suggest that Armageddon has a pretty severe axial tilt combined with some rather weird orbital characteristics – which given its ancient history (no spoilers, but go read The Beast Arises…) is actually rather plausible.

With Thanks to John Alison

by Purple Wyrm on August 26, 2018

Evolving from apes is nice but what animal do you wish we would have evolved from?
L. Ron Hubbard said we evolved from clams! (Or possibly intergalactic walruses – I can’t quite remember…)

What is the first rule of fight club?
Don’t tell Ed Norton that he and Tyler are the same person. It just upsets him.

You are allowed to make one law which the human race must obey from now until the end of time. What law do you pass?
At sunrise on New Years Day everyone must gather in the streets and sing the Pina Collada Song, with improvised hand movements.

What rules are stupid and unnecessary?
Not allowing horses on freeways. If I want to barrel a six horse chariot down the intestate while guzzling wine and shooting an AK in the air while shouting “FOR THE GLORY OF CAESAR!” I should be allowed to damnit!!

What happens if you use steroids just once?
Your testicles implode.

Through the great unknown you’re given a chance to eradicate one or the other – Cancer or Racism. Which one do you choose?
Can we compromise and just give all racists cancer?

You just got elected Pope. What do you do as your first reform of the Catholic faith?
Replace the seal of the confessional with a sea lion that loudly barks to alert the police if anyone confesses to sex crimes.

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?
Jason and the Argonauts, twenty pounds of macadamia nuts, the Ides of March, the White House China Room, God knows, with great difficulty.

Where do you like to hide out when checking out teens in the morning?
In the back of my specially modified van!

You’ve invented a time machine. What do you do?
Convince Hitler not to name his party the National Socialists and hence massively improve modern twitter discourse.

What’s the most fabulous thing ever?
Pickle Surprise!

What do you think will be the next event that will change life as we know it?
When the Necro-Mantis come
From the deep primeval scum
Making love to everyone…

What is the funniest scene David Attenborough could narrate?
Trump unwrapping and eating a cheeseburger

What is your opinion on weeaboos?
I think if we waste any more time on them we’ll be bankrupt by the end of the month!

What should every 18-year-old know?
The difference between turtles and tortoises.

What about terrapins?
You must be 21!

What do you envy about another country that isn’t your own?
Iceland’s geothermal power and deadly tundras.

If Obama was such a great president, why did my wife leave me?
Clearly she left you for Obama.

Who closes the door to the bus after the bus driver gets out?
The bus ghost. When a new bus is commissioned, a homeless person is ritually sacrificed and their soul bound to the bus for the explicit purpose of opening and closing the doors (I know this because the spirit of the Marquis de Lafayette used to visit me at night and tell me things!).

What’s a popular joke from your country?
The National Broadband Network

Why are you cansada?
I’m not cansada! You’re cansada!!

Why can’t you fourteen werewolves in public?
I know! Why can’t you?!

What is your opinion on introverts?
We are a misunderstood, but sensual people.

What invention, if brought to Medieval Europe, would be the biggest mindfuck to the people there?
Driving the Bagger 288 through downtown Prague in the 10th century would turn a few heads.

What do you think is the worst thing that is inside your house right now?
A giant cockroach named Gary. He comes out at night and reads Marx’s Das Kapital out loud while I’m trying to sleep.

What’s your biggest worry at the moment, and what are you doing to deal with it?
My fridge has started making weird noises and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford a new one for quite a while. To deal with this I’m planning to go to bed and hide under the blankets until the Earth is engulfed by the expansion of the sun.

If you take one pizza and flip it over and place it on top of another pizza, is it a sandwich?
Only if you add something – such as a slice of luncheon meat or maybe some pickles – between them.

Why is the garage door open?
The damn possums have got in.

What is the quickest way to get famous?
Murder someone who’s already famous.

Why Do We Celebrate Halloween?
Because even Dracula will be there!

What would be a better title for the movie “The Meg”?
The Shark that Couldn’t Slow Down

Why are My Little Pony fans generally perverts?
The ghost of Mr Hands reaches through the Ponyverse and seduces new souls to his twisted proclivities.

If you had the power of Thanos, what would you instantly remove half of?
My body fat.

What makes IHOP a superior restaurant to Waffle House?
“Waffle House” cannot be used as a grammatically correct stand-alone sentence.

What would be the scariest thing to find written on the wall in blood?

Why is adoption such a long and arduous process?
To prevent children from being adopted by people who would eat them.

What is the best movie from the 80’s or 90’s?
Batman and Robin. George Clooney’s performance was so powerful that no one dared make another Batman film for almost a decade!

Can having Aspburgers Syndrome prevent you from joining the military?
Is that when whenever you go to McDonalds the burgers are full of snakes?

What Hogwarts house would American presidents be sorted into?
Trump would be a Slytherin. But one of those really pathetic Slytherins that work as henchmen for the actual smart and cunning Slytherins.

People who have taken gas station sex pills, why, what happened?
I’m not entirely sure, but I woke up three days later in full Gene Simmons makeup with my pockets full of raw tuna and $122 stuffed into my socks.

What did you do with all the paper towels?
Some possums came to the door and asked for them. I was scared, so I complied.

Why do superking cigarettes cost less than normal cigarettes?
Because Superking gave up his powers – both super and royal – to guarantee a supply of cheap tobacco. NEVER FORGET!

What is the side effect of mixing tomatoes with spinach?
Oh god! Sarin!

What are the most important questions to ask the interviewer during a job interview?
Asking questions doesn’t matter, what matters is that you take a Godzilla toy with you and make it roar after you answer each of the interviewer’s questions.

What are the best things to cook in the microwave?
Cellphone batteries wrapped in aluminum foil.

Are there any other ways to reduce ear pain when driving through the mountains?
Puncturing your eardrums will avoid any painful pressure build up!

If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all High School Students , which book would you choose and why?
Warren Ellis’s Crooked Little Vein. Kids need to be taught about Godzilla bukake in school before they encounter it in the real world.

Construction workers and home builders: what do people need to know when building a home?
If you check the site for ancient Indian burial grounds before starting construction you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble down the line.

Why is there space between the floor and the stall in the bathroom?
So that the number of people in the stall can be monitored, thus maintaining morality!

Immortals, what do you miss about the 1600s?
How happy we all were when Shakespeare died. Fucking poser!

What is the absolute worst Disney movie and why?
That one where Walt herded lemmings off a cliff with a bulldozer while cackling about copyright extensions.

You are a character in an rpg. What are your highest and lowest stats?
Highest: Neuroticism
Lowest: Extraversion
Oh, hang on, that’s not an RPG, it’s the Big Five personality inventory…

How was Santana at Woodstock? Can you describe how amazing that was please?
That’s a misprint. It was Satan and he just hung around backstage smoking spliffs with Hendrix.

Assuming there is life elsewhere in the universe, why haven’t they contacted us yet?
They did back in the 70s, but Carl Sagan was drunk and laughed at them and they haven’t tried since.

What is the third most important language to know in the US?
The language of the Lizard People, so they’ll let you into the secret treasure tunnels under Los Angeles.

Why do dogs have tails if we aren’t supposed to pull on them?
It’s so they have something to take off and leave in the cloak room at formal events.

What part of your anatomy do you wish would get more attention than it does?
My spleen is sadly neglected by the public at large.

How do memes benefit society?
They help keep pathetic man children confined to their mothers’ basements instead of going out and inflicting their inadequacies on society at large.

Do orchestra conductors imagine that they’re badass sound wizards when they’re on stage?
If they don’t, they bloody well should!

How would you feel if Donald Trump came out as bisexual?
Sorry for the LGBT community.

If you had a castle with a moat, what would you fill the moat with (apart from alligators)?
Manatees. Screw security, manatees are cool!

Who performed the best bass vocal you have ever heard?
Tay Zonday!
He’s the guy who sang Choc-o-late rain!
Tay Zonday!
You thought you’d never hear his name again!

Why didn’t anyone stop whoever named the planet Uranus?
Because they were mature, intelligent people who knew the word is pronounced “Urine-Us”.

What’s your favorite accent?
Whatever the hell kind of accent Professor Alice Roberts has.

How much is too much ice cream?
Enough to drown a fully grown race horse.

How much would you charge to wash every window of all the hotels in downtown Las Vegas?
One billion dollars and a copy of Big Tyme by Heavy D & the Boyz.

What are the best ways for a tourist not to get robbed while walking around the US?
Smear all your clothing in feces. This also guarantees getting a seat – possibly even an entire train carriage – to yourself while using public transit.

If your life had a narrator, who would you choose to narrate your story?
Benedict Cumberbatch, and I’d make sure to regularly dress up as a penguin.

What’s your favorite Spongebob episode?
The one where he accidentally kills Squidward and then has to kill Patrick to cover it up, then has to kill Mr Krabs to cover that up and so on until everyone in Bikini Bottom is dead and ground up into Krabby Patties.

What moves would be in the video game Moral Kombat?
The Gish Gallop

What does George Soros want to see the world become?
A barren desert where Marxists and Homosexuals roam the wastes in armored dune buggies, fighting over the last remaining copies of On the Origin of Species.

How would you feel about adulterers receiving the death penalty?
Seems a tad extreme.

If you had to be in an empty room alone for an unknown amount of hours and you can’t sleep or you’ll miss your chance to leave, how would you keep yourself entertained?
Sing. As loudly and badly as I can in the hope that whoever’s observing me will get so sick of it they let me out early.

Why do you think voting is important?
All kinds of morons vote, so you need to vote to cancel at least one of them out.

What boils your blood in less than 3 seconds?
Extremely low air pressure.

What do you think is going to happen?
Nicolas Cage will open the third seal revealing a black horse on a set of scales and there shall be a measure of wheat for five dollars and three measures of barley for a buck fifty and crude oil and wine shall go for 20 pesos a barrel.

How do cats always land on their feet?
Cats have a natural ability to generate gravitons (which is also why physicists are always locking them in boxes).

Men who live by themselves, what decorations do you have in your living room? Do you have any plants?
D… decor… decorations?

What is the most exhilarating thing you’ve ever done?
Pointing out the shortcomings of others.

What would be the best opening line for a novel?
It was the best of times and the sky above the port was the color of a dark and stormy night.

Why is everything crooked?
Have you been playing with the universal gravitational constant again?

If people are fighting for same-sex marriages, will there come a time when voices will be raised for incest, polygamous and bestial relationships?

Which local celebrity would you want to voice your local transit system?
Heath Ledger – but in character as the Joker

What industry or technology do you think will be the next big thing?
I’ve got one word for you, Benjamin – plastics!

What is your rapper name?
MC Nine Hundred Foot Millipede

What is the best Acronym you’ve heard for the word “Adidas”?
All Day I Dream About Sarcoidosis

What would you say to Steve Jobs if he was front of you right now?
Dude! Chemotherapy!

Where’s a place you’ve always felt like an outsider?

What adjectives would you use to describe what Jesus was like?

What do you prefer in a corona, a slice of lemon or lime?
Personally I’d prefer several tonnes worth of thermal and radiation shielding. Citrus fruit ain’t gonna do nothing!

Why does the alphabet end at Z?
Well it used to end with Ȝ but that was no good for no one.

On Cnossath and its Knights

by Purple Wyrm on August 19, 2018

Name Cnossath Prime
Segmentum Segmentum Tempestus
Sector Chiros Sector
Subsector Skereig Subsector
System Cnossath System
Population 430,000,000

The Knight World of Cnossath Prime (or simply ‘Cnossath’) was discovered and settled by humanity at some point prior to M23. A temperate world with three major continents and several island chains it hosts three (originally four) Knight Houses that owe fealty to the Adeptus Mechanicus Forge World of Volund Two-Seven.

Crest of House Cashel

Crest of House Cashel

Traditions preserved on Cnossath maintain that the planet was settled by four separate colony ships, each claiming an area of the world to the exclusion of the others (the ancient technology at the heart of the three remaining House Strongholds would appear to bear this legend out). Each Colony developed into a nation state ruled by Knights – House Cashel on the western continent, House Ventris on the north of the eastern continent, House Mabb on the eastern continent’s southern peninsula and House Krater on the central islands. The frigid northern continent was claimed by House Ventris but unoccupied (apart from mining colonies) due to adverse environmental conditions.

A peculiarity of the Houses of Cnossath, traceable as far back as the planet’s histories reach, is that the Thrones Mechanicum of their Knight Suits lack the indoctrination protocols found on almost every other Knight World. It is unclear if this anomaly is by design or simply the result of some ancient accident, but it allows a far greater degree of individuality to the planet’s Knight pilots. It has also led to a bloody history of conflict and warfare between – and occasionally even within – the Houses.

Volund Two-Seven Maker's Plate

Volund Two-Seven Maker’s Plate

Cnossath first came to the attention of outsiders in M27 during the Age of Strife. An Adeptus Mechanicus colonisation fleet – dispatched during a lull in the galactic warp storms – settled the world of Volund Two-Seven on the far side of what would – millennia later – be absorbed into the Imperium as the Skereig Subsector. Explorators from Volund soon discovered Cnossath and the Knight Houses that ruled it. The Houses swore allegiance to Volund in return for the knowledge to repair and maintain their Knight Suits, however they retained much more autonomy than is standard in such relationships. An ancient legend claims the Houses traded “a treasure of great price” for this autonomy, a story that has been linked to both Volund Two-Seven’s mastery of unusually strong crystalline alloys and to the unusual nature of Cnossath’s Thrones.

It was the freedom allowed by the Thrones – and the lack of Adeptus Mechanicus control over the houses – that led to the greatest crisis in Cnossath’s history. In 218.M37 during one of the planet’s regular Knight Wars, the Stronghold of House Mabb and its surrounding hive city were destroyed by a titanic plasma breach triggered by a combined bombardment from forces of Houses Cashel and Ventris. The scale of this disaster – and the damage inflicted upon the survivors and their holdings – led to the three remaining Houses negotiating a set of laws governing their interactions and to standardise resolution of disputes – a document they named the Mabb Concordat.

The Concordat replaced warfare with ritual combat between champions and established a system of standard penalties for breaches of honour both between and within Houses. Designed from the outset to be flexible and to expand when necessary, the Concordat ended millennia of conflict, and under its rule both the Houses and common folk of Cnossath prospered.

It is therefore a great irony that while the Knights of Cnossath are free of the burden of conditioning by their Thrones, the ever expanding rules of the Mabb Concordat have created a society every bit as restrictive as on any other Knight World. Over two thirds of all calendar days require the nobles of the Houses to perform certain rituals or abstain from specific behaviours. The wearing (or non wearing) of specific clothing is common, as are restrictions on what foods may be eaten and at what times. Nobles of different ranks may be prohibited from communicating, or may only communicate in strange and roundabout fashions. Certain texts may have to be read out by specific Nobles, many of which are in archaic dialects extinct for centuries. The onerous nature of these requirements are believed to account for the comparatively high numbers of Freeblade Knights hailing from Cnossath.

Also contributing to the number of Cnossath Freeblades is the tradition of the Geas Penitens. A Knight that seriously violates the Concordat may find themselves penalised with the application of a penitent quest. They are ceremonially banished from their House, and assigned a task or series of tasks that must be completed before they may be re-accepted. These tasks usually take the Knight off-world and may take decades to complete. Many Knights so banished never complete their Geas and take up the mantle of a Freeblade rather than try to recover their lost honour.

Rarer than the Geas Penitens is the Geas Portorium. If a high noble of a House finds themselves in significant debt to an individual or organisation they may pay off that debt by assigning a subordinate Knight or Knights to their command. Such deals are a common way of dealing with disputes both within and between Houses, but a Geas Portorium refers specifically to Knights assigned outside of the Houses, and usually off-world. To be assigned to a Geas Portorium is viewed as a great honour, as no House would be so ignoble as to attempt to pay off a debt with anyone but their best.

A Knight undertaking a Geas Penitens defaces the crest on their tilting plate with a diagonal black stripe and repaints their Knight Suit to obscure all house colours and personal heraldry. A Knight assigned to a Geas Portorium maintains their House and personal heraldry, but repaints their Suit to match that of the individual or body they are assigned to.

Urban Reflections

by Purple Wyrm on July 29, 2018

A few weeks back I needed to do some banking.

Given that this is the 21st century and I’m not completely out of touch with the new information super highway style of doing business I handle most of my banking online, but for this particular task I needed to speak to an actual living human being in an actual physical branch of my bank. Given that my local branch no longer opens on weekends (boo!) I had to gird my loins and prepare for a trip into the wild northlands of Noranda – a place we natives of the Bayswater riverlands do not visit lightly – if at all!*

(* This is dramatic nonsense, but it reads well!)

My first order of business was to figure out exactly where the bank was and what buses I would need to get there. So I fired up a certain popular mapping service and plugged in the address. This showed me that the branch was located in a shopping center (that’s ‘mini-mall’ for Americans and other aliens) that looked oddly familiar…

Back in my high school days my mother worked as a nurse at a doctor’s clinic in a small shopping center in the northern wastes. I hadn’t been there in decades, but I rapidly realised that this was the location of the bank! What a surprising development!

Except… as I looked closer things began to nag at me. Sure, there were parkland and playing fields to the south, but I seemed to remember a road ran through them straight to the centre? And I didn’t think there was a major road running down the east side of the carpark? The more I looked the more I realised that while the shopping center was incredibly similar to the place my mother worked, it wasn’t actually it!

Racking my brain turned up the fact that the clinic was located in Eden Hill, not Noranda. Scooting around the map a bit soon found the place, five kilometres to the south east. It’s no longer a shopping center – it’s been turned into a slightly suspicious looking church – and a chunk of the carpark has been reclaimed for housing, but the list of similarities between the two places are remarkable.

* Both sites are on the south side of a major road east-west road.
* Both sites slope downhill from said major road.
* Public parks are located on the the other side of said major roads.
* The main buildings are located at the south of their large carparks.
* Another building sits (or sat in Eden Hill) at the north west corner of both sites.
* A park and playing fields are located to the south of both sites.

It’s as if both shopping centers were cloned from the same original template, then altered slightly to fit the local conditions.

This reminded me of a something similar I noticed many years ago. In two separate places in Perth for many years you could stand at a major intersection, facing an art-deco theatre. Beyond the theatre to your left was an Italian restaurant. Beyond it on the right was a Geláre ice cream store. In the same direction (a bit further on for one of them) was a branch of Grill’d burgers, and just across the road from both theatres (in different directions though) was a Dôme coffee shop.

The theatres in question of course were the Regal in Subiaco, and the Astor in Mount Lawley. Both were originally movie theatres, the Regal converting to a stage theatre in the late 70s and the Astor following suit maybe ten years ago – which would have made the similarity even more striking if the Mount Lawley Italian place hadn’t moved a few years earlier.

I don’t think any meaning can be drawn from this, apart from a general commentary on how all cities are shaped by the same needs (and perhaps that Dôme, Grill’d and Geláre branches are everywhere), but it’s still kind of weird to spot these kinds of recurring patterns – as if we’re living in a procedurally generated simulation (if you never hear from me again please assume I have been taken away by late 90’s Hugo Weaving).

Oh, and in the end it turned out I could do the banking I needed to do online anyway, so I didn’t have to journey into the wilds of Noranda – which is good because the weekend bus services up that way are appalling.

Your Music is Bad and you Should Feel Bad

by Purple Wyrm on July 24, 2018

Your music is bad. Bad and boring.

I don’t mean the music you make – if you make any music at all. I mean the music you listen to. It’s dull, boring, run of the mill and all the same. It’s based on the same tired old ideas of rhythm, of melody and of notes that stick to a “scale” (whatever that may be).

Mother of God

Mother of God!

When was the last time you listened to something that startled you? That intrigued you? That made you wonder? When was the last time you put on some headphones and listened to something so wildly different – or downright terrible – that it  challenged your very concept of what music could be? Too long ago I say! And I’m here to remedy that! I’m here to tear down everything around you and replace it with sounds so strange, so deranged and so downright stupid that your ears will never be the same again!

So let’s begin our journey into sound…

I took a ride on a Gemini Spacecraft – The Legendary Stardust Cowboy
Also Sprach Zarathustra – The Portsmouth Sinfonia
Transfusion – Nervous Norvus
Love Train – Varga
Ice Cream for Crow – Captain Beefheart
Ice Ice Bacon – The Trotters
Tastee Christmas – Tastee Bros
Alligator Wine – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
Wuthering Heights – Mr Floppy
Wonderwall – Masonna
Bold Brathas – Boreale & Diomedes
Folsom Prison Blues – Shooby Taylor
It’s Halloween – The Shaggs
Puli Puli (Puli Tiger) – Darkey & The Keys
Clowny Clown Clown – Crispin Hellion Glover
I Ate Your Horse – Anal C**t
Peace and Love – John Trubee and the Geeks
Mr Tamborine Man – William Shatner
The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins – Leonard Nimoy
The Ruxton Rap – Bruce Ruxton
Buffalo – Stump
Golimar – Chiranjeevi
I’m an Individual – Jacko

This list will continue to grow as I remember more of this stuff…

‘Tective Man a Say, Say Daddy me Snow me What?? – The Tales of The Geek Underclass Soundtrack Part 3

by Purple Wyrm on May 6, 2018

And so finally we come to the third and last volume of the Tales of the Geek Underclass soundtrack. You may wish to check out Part 1 and Part 2, or just plunge onward and try to figure out what’s going on from context alone (good luck…)

21: The Stutter Rap – Morris Minor and the Majors – 1988

Religious education was of course a major component of our time at high school – probably no more so than in year eight when we were still young, impressionable and generally dazed and confused from our transition out of primary education. As such the year eight RE curriculum was focused very heavily on Catholic doctrine, aiming to get as much of it as possible wedged into our brains before we could get oriented enough to develop some kind of resistance. One unit in particular concentrated on the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit – Wisdom, Understanding, Counsel, Fortitude… uh… Splendour… errr… Industry and… Pierre Barthès?

In any case towards the end of this unit we were broken into groups and ordered to prepare a song highlighting said gifts for performance later in the week. Ryan and myself found ourselves teamed up with Abraham Blemmy, and – for lack of any better idea – the three of us got to work rewriting the lyrics of the previous year’s smash novelty hit Stutter Rap by Tony Hawks MBE.

It was not the greatest thing ever written. Much of it consisted of swapping words out for more religious ones – “Church” for “Club” and “Bible” for “Bottle” for instance. Then we whacked three hastily composed verses about the Holy Spirit onto the end and called it a day, assuming the success of our performance assured by the fact that Ryan had the song on cassette single, allowing us to play the distinctive intro riff before hastily hitting the STOP button and launching into our own version.

I don’t recall much about the performance, but have a feeling it was well received, probably because three nerds humiliating themselves by doing a piss-poor parody of a pretty good parody of the Beastie Boys was likely the funniest thing anyone had seen all week.

22: Girl’s Life – Girlfriend – 1992

It was rule that all of our schoolwork had to kept in a large lever-arch file. In something that was either a bold statement of rebellion or – more likely – sheer laziness, I would rarely if ever actually clip my papers in, I’d just shove them between whatever papers were already in there. I also never bothered to add any kind of protective or decorative cover on the folder – it remained bare, increasingly distressed, cardboard. As such my file become a notorious menace.

In English Lit one day Lauren Alighieri decided to take matters into her own hands and made me promise to add a cover to it. To get me started she pulled out a promotional flyer for Australia’s proto-Spice Girls, Girlfriend. “Do you like them?” she asked.

On the basis that, a) I thought they were kind of hot, and b) I would have said I liked fresh dog turd on toast if Lauren had suggested it, I replied “Well, they’re OK“. Lauren immediately grabbed a glue stick and stuck the flyer to the inside of the file.

I had a fair bit of explaining to do to my friends about why I was suddenly walking around with the least credible and least manly pop group since the Backstreet Boys decorating my schoolwork – at least until I ripped it out and covered the entire file with riveted metal plating made from olive oil tins instead.

I still have that file somewhere. I also still have a deep seated dislike for Girlfriend’s insipid pop music, but here there are on the soundtrack nonetheless.

23: Everything About You – Ugly Kid Joe – 1991

I found Ugly Kid Joe’s novelty ‘hate song’ very enjoyable, particularly the first verse where Whitfield Crane explains that he despises every possible location a person could visit – which was a pretty good summing up of my attitude to family trips at the time. Ryan however seemed to prefer their grunge influenced cover of the Harry Chapin classic Cats in the Cradle – or at least he’d randomly screech “MY BOY – WAS JUST LIKE ME!!” for years afterwards.

24: Infomer – Snow – 1993

Like everyone else in 1993 we were captivated trying to figure out what the hell Canadian rapper Snow was talking about. Something about Nana Mouskouri going ‘blam’? And ‘lecky boom boom’? Anyway it was catchy as hell no matter what he was jabbering.

Mark actually bought me a copy of the cassette single, which I suspect was a low key attempt to convert me to whatever slightly odd variety of Christianity his family practiced. As a result I am not only familiar with Informer, but with the B-Side Lonely Monday Morning, which is basically just Informer slowed down with a different chorus. Such variety!

25: The Grease Megamix – 1991

‘Megamixes’ were a thing in the 90s. They were a cheap way to manufacture a hit song by taking all the good bits from a bunch of vaguely related tracks and slapping them over a drum machine. The genre was pioneered in 1981 with Stars on 45, but it was the success of Jive Bunny and the Mixmasters and their 1940s themed Swing the Mood in 1989 that resurrected the idea for the ’90s.

As such it was inevitable that the release of Grease on home video would see the creation of a megamix. And what a megamix! It dominated the charts for weeks and was the third highest selling Australian single for the whole of 1991.

It was fun, it was catchy, and most of all it meant you could enjoy the music of Grease without having to actually suffer through watching Grease.

26: Joyride – Roxette – 1991

I make no apologies for Roxette being one of my favourite bands of the 90s. Their songs rocked then, their songs still rock now, and I will fight any man who says differently!

(Well, maybe apart from The Big L, I mean that one’s not great…)

Strangely I remember Joyride as their first big hit, but research indicates that it was just about their last. Maybe I was just very late getting on the bandwagon.

27: I’m Free – The Soup Dragons – 1990

While we generally held dance music in disdain we could recognise a good jam when we heard it. This track definitely qualified, probably because it was originally a Rolling Stones song.

28: Under the Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers – 1991

You couldn’t get away from this track back in ’91. It was another that we composed a parody to, this one about one of our less effective teachers. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a teacher, I just sit here and talk to my best friend…

The Chili Peppers toured Perth the following year and numerous girls in Justin and my physics class were quite excited to see them, particularly since they were known for performing wearing only a single sock each. “Where!?” commented a scandalised Justin. “Where would you put a sock if that’s all you had to wear, man?” I asked him by way of explanation.

29: December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) – The Four Seasons/Ben Liebrand – 1993

This remix was a huge hit in our final year at high school. I particularly remember it being played on the year 12 retreat at Jarrahdale – presumably on cassette since radio reception down that way was notoriously horrible.

30: Last Train to Trancentral – The KLF – 1991

It is difficult to convey how much we geeks idolised, nay, worshipped the KLF. Their smash hit album The White Room was like holy scripture to us. We sang it. We quoted it. We ascribed strange powers to it, like the time the sign at the Home of Peace retirement village lit up one evening just as the line “…war and peace…” from Church of the KLF came sliding out of the car stereo. I memorised the rap (inaccurately as it turns out) from the Stand By the Jams version of Justified and Ancient and would recite it at such speed that it resembled speaking in tongues to try and impress girls (this never worked). We pondered the mysteries locked within Justin’s unplayable copy of History of the Jams, made efforts to obtain a copy of the aborted White Room movie and even christened Justin’s land rover The Justified.

We regarded Last Train to Trancentral as the greatest of the Stadium House Trilogy, not just because of the music, but because of the awesome model train layout (or in Justin’s case Wanda Dee) in the video.



Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.

31: Two Princes – The Spin Doctors -1991

The Spin Doctors had a sizable hit with Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong, then followed it up with this even bigger hit. It cropped up repeatedly during our high school years, Mark discussing the lyrics in art class, Justin arguing that the video clip mocked overweight people, and being played towards the end of the graduation ball, during which we geeks mostly sat around a table slamming back cola and watching everyone else dance.

32: Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen – 1975

The Geek Underclass soundtrack would not be complete without Queen’s classic rock-ballad-opera-anthem-epic.

Everyone was a bit unsure about Queen. I mean, they were a gay band right? If you listened to Queen you might be gay – or be thought to be gay, which was something we geeks suffered through on a daily basis anyway and didn’t want any more of. We all changed our minds however in 1992 when the combination of Freddie Mercury’s passing and the song’s appearance in Wayne’s World rocketed it back up to the top of the charts for weeks on end and we all realised just what we were missing.

Apart from Satanic Shaun Bettar of course. He didn’t care if Freddy Mercury “wanted to break free”, he simply refused to acknowledge that anything lighter than Metallica could be considered rock music. But hey, that just meant there was more Queen for the rest of us.

And so we come to the end of the Tales of the Geek Underclass soundtrack. Thirty Two songs (assuming I’ve counted them right) that sum up my weird, strange, horrible and awesome high school years. There were many more tracks that could have been included, but I think these ones provide the best impression of that crazy half decade. Peace out, be excellent to each other and make mine a 99!