Riches, World Peace and Shower Heads

by Purple Wyrm on April 19, 2003

It’s Easter! Hooray!

Four days off work, and chocolate, what more could one ask for? Well OK, riches, world peace and love, but hey, four days off work and chocolate are almost as good. As is the new, adjustable showerhead just installed by Dom, who’s down here with Rebecca for a few days. So, chocolate, four days off work, a new showerhead and good company, pretty sweet all round.

(It’s SWEEEET moit!!)

Rebecca claims that replacing the ancient and corroded showerhead is part of her general plan to improve the place and feel like less of a ‘slum landlord’. Frankly I think it’s just so she can have decent showers and wash her hair properly while she’s down here. Proof? Well she’s taking a long shower and washing her hair as I type. Co-incidence? I think not! 🙂

Anyway, what’s been going on with me? As usual nothing much. The Matrix Metals project is dragging out with further inane changes, but at least they’re paying for them as new work which is nice. The latest “improvement” is to change the background of the site to a horrible “cream” colour, which looks about as much like cream as Robitussin tastes like cherries*. And they want to replace one of the photos because it shows a collapsed mine and that’s not the kind of image they want to present to investors. Fair enough I suppose, except they supplied the picture along with a bunch of others and said to just use whichever ones look good. Idiots!

This week also featured Prosh day. I’ve mentioned Prosh before, it’s a ‘satirical’ newspaper put out by UWA students and sold on the streets once a year to raise money for Princess Margaret Hospital. I say ‘satirical’ because most years it’s just a mess of badly written articles about various public figures getting caught in perverse (and often biologically impossible) sex acts with other public figures or occasionaly barnyard animals. This year however they’ve actually managed to lift the tone a little. There’s still plenty of perverted sex, but there are three or so decent articles hidden in there, mostly about the war. I guess satire is always best when it’s got some serious injustice to push against.

One for instance (not one about the war but still pretty good though) is entitled “Mugabe Blamed for Australian Olympic Team Shirt”. This features such lines as…

Mugabe defended his controversial designs by launching a stinging counter-attack on his critics, claiming “They do not like colourful shirts because they do not like things that are coloured – including people!”

…and a captioned illustration that almost had me breaking into hysterics on the train, which I have taken the liberty of reproducing below…

Angry and Confused: Mugabe accuses a microphone of ‘racial treachery’

The best article though has to be “Iraqi Information Minister confident Victory is Nigh”. It’s about Mohammed Said al Sahhaf who sadly it seems may have committed suicide, a great loss to furious political invective and satire everywhere. In tribute to his bizzare dis-connection to reality I think I’ll transcribe the entire thing…

IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER CONFIDENT VICTORY IS NIGH

“I can make things occur by sheer will, and sheer will alone. In a moment when I snap my fingers the entire Islamic population will quadruple in number and attain the power of wingless flight, thereby making our inevitable victory even faster.”

At a press conference called in the now charred and smouldering capital, Baghdad, Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Said al Sahhaf, has assured foreign journalists that an ultimate Iraqi triumph in the Iraq war was near.

“The American Dogs will be driven yelping from our shores, the bodies of their dead will fertilize our many lovely rose-bushes,” stated the Minister.

The minister stated that the key to the Iraqi Military’s success was both the ferocity with which Iraqi regulars fought, and the telling supremacy of the Iraqi Air Force. “The bravery and commitment of all levels of our military will earn them a place beside Allah in paradise, the heavenly fire that our martyr-pilots rained on the capitals of our enemies have brought them to their knees, the bodies of their dead will be shipped to Iraq to feed our many lovely horses,” asserted the minister as an American armoured division played table tennis in the background.

So convinced of the likelyhood of an impending Iraqi victory that his government have already begun plans for the reconstruction of Washington. The minister claims that Iraqi armoured hovercraft are now within three miles of the US capital and that the winged serpent division were making considerable progress in Southern cities like Miami and Houston. The minister said that Iraq hoped to capitalise on the conflict between American patriots and British Redcoats that had recently flared up, “we will conquer America before it is born we will strangle it in its mother’s womb and then strangle its mother and kill its father so that they may not have any more babies. We expect to use the bodies of their dead to dam our rivers.”

Al-Sahhaf said the most complex facet of the post-war reconstruction of the US would come in colonising the continent. “As we all know the West has not yet discovered the new world, the Western imperialist dogs do not yet exist, nor does the invention that will allow them to, the boat.”

In concluding, after the minister was forced to pause briefly as a squadron of apparently “Iraqi jets with US flag on them” passed overhead, al-Sahhaf proved that up was down and black was white and then proceeded to disappear in a puff of illogic.

And a Douglas Adams reference too! Classic! 🙂

OK I’m out of here. Got to try and unclog the bathroom sink. Gah!

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