Poorly Directed Ramblings

Oy, what a day. I spent most of my time at the office today coding the parcel postage rates for the entire country into the system. I’d actually done this before, but only ex-Perth, now every single rate from any part of the country to any other part can be accurately calculated. So, if someone wanted to send say, an 11kg parcel from Wagga Wagga to Casey Polar Research Station in the Australian Antarctic Territory, the system can figure out exactly how much it’ll cost them*.

Well, when I say any part of the country, I’m not actually being completely truthful. The system can’t calculate postage on parcels sent from Norfolk Island. For some reason Australia Post leaves that up to the local government, as I eventually figured out after an hour long virtual paper chase through the Australia Post website. A further hour of fruitless surfing established the fact that the Norfolk Island Government has not seen fit to publish their rates online, which is exactly the kind of slack behaviour one would expect from a bunch of inbred, pidgin mouthing descendants of the Bounty mutineers*.

I’ll have to email them I suppose. Unless the postage rates are some kind of closely guarded territorial secret or something.

So, why haven’t I been updating the weblog? Well, sad to say it’s because of my recently purchased budget copy of Caesar III the game of Roman city building. I think I’m dangerously obsessed with it. Hours zip past as I figure out exactly the right place to stick that olive oil workshop or how to raise housing standards in the coliseum district. In the last scenario I managed to bring my city from famine and virtual bankruptcy after an earthquake to flowing with wealth through intensive development of a pottery industry. My warehouses couldn’t hold it all! Ships were queuing up at the dock to take it all away! The really sad thing is I’m actually proud of this 🙂

Nonetheless I’ve decided to take a week’s break from it. Not only because I’ve been horribly neglecting the weblog and people I’m supposed to be emailing, but I’m getting tired of forums, reservoirs and temples dancing around behind my eyelids when I’m trying to sleep 🙂

On Friday I dropped in to Angus & Robertson’s (to buy a $120 Javascript manual with a rhinoceros on the front) and was surprised to note that The Silmarillion is sitting at number 11 on the best seller list. This pleases me immensely. Of course, it’s only because of all the hype surrounding the movies, and (given that The Silmarillion has been compared to both a telephone directory in Elvish and the Old Testament) at least half of the people buying it will read about three pages in and give up in confusion at the lack of hobbits. But at least it’s getting out there. Maybe in five or six years time someone will pick up one of those neglected copies and actually read it. And enjoy it. And find the bit about hobbits in the back.

Or maybe they’ll just all gather dust, like the millions of never opened copies of A Brief History of Time. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, regular visitors may have noticed that I’ve finally added a counter/tracker thing to the log. I have to say I’m overjoyed by the results. People are just flooding in, most as the result of completely inaccurate search results on Google, which I find highly entertaining 🙂 The majority of these are music related, and point rather misleadingly at my “Current Listening” chart over there. A particular favourite of late has been The Bold and the Beautiful by the Drugs, a lot of people seem to be after the lyrics. So, not to disappoint my public (arriving here by accident notwithstanding) I oblige.

(I transcribed these lyrics myself by the way, so I cannot vouch for their absolute accuracy. Also, given that I’d rather perform cataract surgery on myself with a potato peeler than watch a single episode of the show, I have no way of checking the details. Those lyrics that I’m not 100% certain on I’ve underlined, just to make things somewhat clearer.)

Each afternoon and there’s nothing as suitable,
As tea and bikkies with the Bold and the Beautiful,
And while outside is sending me crazy,
I’ll be your Thorn if you’ll be my Macy,

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Daytime TV!

Amber is a scammer from the wrong side of the tracks,
She’s been sneaking round with Deacon, he wants her and his baby back,
But she’d married now to Rick who is an unsuspecting victim,
Rick’s mum Brooke tried to warn him but he didn’t want to listen,
Hey, Brooke and Deacon are now lovers, but in direct retaliation,
To Rick and Amber’s marriage Deacon married Rick’s relation,
And in this sick and twisted world where blood appears as thin as water,
Deacon’s wife is Rick’s sister Brigitte, and therefore Brooke’s daughter,

Each afternoon and there’s nothing as suitable,
As tea and bikkies with the Bold and the Beautiful,
We’ll get up late and have a three PM brekkie,
I’ll be your CJ if you’ll be my Becky,

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Daytime TV!

Eric, Ridge and Thorne have all been married to Brooke,
But of the Forester men, it’s on Ridge that she’s hooked,
Ridge’s marriage to Brooke met it’s inevitable failure,
He’s been happily married twice now to a woman named Taylor,
But Brooke wasn’t happy with the simple separation,
She says I’ll get that guy, I’ve got drive and determination,
It comes to Stephanie’s attention,
That her intervention,
Will see to the prevention,
Of Brooke’s bad intentions,
This plot is lacking,
Some counter-attacking,
When they write Macy back in,
She’ll send that bitch packing,

Go Ricky! Go Ricky!
Go Ricky! Go Ricky!
Go Ricky! Go Ricky!
Go Ricky! Go Ricky!
Go Ricky!/Jerry! Go Ricky!/Jerry!
Go Ricky!/Jerry! Go Ricky!/Jerry!
Go Ricky!/Jerry! Go Ricky!/Jerry!
Go Ricky!/Jerry! Go Ricky!/Jerry!

I gotta, I gotta love strong and mutual,
Every afternoon, with the Bold and the Beautiful,
So many plots and so many issues,
Some days we have to use a whole box of tissues,
I’ve never known love deeper or greater,
Than taping each episode to watch again later,
I don’t think it’s bad or unusual,
This sacred love of the Bold and the Beautiful,

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Daytime TV!

Having got that over and done with I’d like to state that I am completely unconnected to both The Bold and the Beautiful, and the Drugs, so if anyone associated with the abovementioned entities objects to my posting of the lyrics (and can back up their association with some kind of actual evidence) I shall of course take them down. I would also like to point out that as an underpaid keyboard monkey I am completely un-sueworthy, so before Ron Moss comes kicking down my door demanding money, he’d be better off practicing his guitar.

So, that’s it for now. I’m all written out. Although I will mention in closing that you know you’ve been reading too much Tolkien when you start pronouncing “celebrate” as “kelebrate” 😉

* $24.76 in case you were wondering.

* I would like to state for the record that Pitcairn is a fascinating and valuable language, any minor problems with inbreeding were solved when the population moved from Pitcairn Island in 1856 and Bligh was an appalling Captain and an even worse Governor.

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