Category: Silliness and Randomness

The Court of Ancient Grievances

Order! Order! The Court of Ancient Grievances is now in session!

It is hereby alleged that on or around the 9th of October 1998 the music reviewers of the Sunday Times newspaper stated that the song Thunderbirds are Coming Out by TISM contained “speculation about the sexual proclivities of the Thunderbirds puppets”, indicating that said reviewers had either not listened to the song, or when listening to the song did not pay even cursory attention to the lyrics.

It is furthermore alleged that on or around the 26th of February 2001 the music reviewers of the Sunday Times newspaper stated in relation to the song Heat Seeking Pleasure Machine by Paul Mac that “Paul Mac has a sexy voice”, indicating that said reviewers did not carry out any research or even bother to read the back of the CD case – both actions that would have uncovered the publicly available fact that the vocalist on said song was Tex Perkins of the Cruel Sea.

It is also alleged that on or around the 12th of June 2002 the music reviewers of the Sunday Times newspaper stated that the song Satisfaction by Benny Benassi was a cover of the Rolling Stones song (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction, indicating that said reviewers either failed to listen to the Benny Benassi song, failed to listen to the Rolling Stones song, or equally likely failed to listen to either.

Therefore, it is the opinion of this court that the music reviewers of the Sunday Times between the years 1998 and 2002 were a bunch of complete fart-artists labouring under the weight of a total and systemic contempt for music, the music listening public and their responsibilities as employees of the Sunday Times.

How plead the defendants?

(Note: The Court of Ancient Grievances acknowledges that this all happened a long time ago, and that it might in fact have been the music reviewers of the West Australian Newspaper who carried out these crimes against fact. If so, the Court apologises unreservedly to the music reviewers of the Sunday Times who presumably did not have their heads completely up their arses.)

It’s cold outside, There’s no kind of atmosphere…

Wikipedia really does teach you something new every day. I had no idea that Jawaharlal Nehru (first Prime Minister of India and architect of the modern Indian state) was a mechanoid!

Jawaharlal Nehru 1949
Prime Minister of India Series 0001 "Jawaharlal Nehru"

Kryten
DivaDroid International Series 4000 Mechanoid "Kryten"

 

Sadly Insignificant Claims to Fame

It’s well known that you’re not worth anything in this world unless famous people pay attention to you. As such, here are my own claims to some kind of greater significance…

Mark Genge of Radio RTR read out the greeting card I sent wishing him a “Merry Metaphysician’s Day and an Existential Evening” during his I’ve Seen Elvis segment.

I sent a list of wacky laws to the Martin Molloy radio show, some of which were read out (Mick Molloy’s reaction to my nom-de-plume of Denys the Purple Wyrm was a heartfelt groan of “Oh God!”).

I sent an adventure suggestion in audio form to the Dragon’s Landing podcast, which was both played and highly praised by the hosts.

Cory Doctorow himself slapped me down (nicely) for using Creative Commons incorrectly on my Flickr stream.

My suggestion for adding Buffalo to Minecraft was read out and caused much hilarity on the Shaft podcast – even if they forgot to actually credit it to me.

The Oatmeal recently commented on this very blog (see if you can spot where!).

That’s it. Tell me we both matter, don’t we?

PS: Warren Ellis once called me “daft” and Dan Abnett “a very fine human being indeed”. How could I forget them?

Where are they now?

Much has been made of the fact that this year is the tenth anniversary of the end of seminal 90’s sitcom Friends (half of which was of course set, filmed and broadcast in the 2000’s). So with that in mind I figured we’d take a look at what the cast are up to, ten years after their multi-million dollar feedbags were forcibly removed…

Jennifer Aniston continues with a comfortable  career in big screen comedies, and manages to look damn hot while doing so.

Courteny Cox has finally managed to land some post-Friends television success with Cougar Town and is engaged to some guy from Snow Patrol.

Lisa Kudrow has gone from strength to strength with guest roles on numerous TV shows, ads for computer games and a successful web series.

Matt LeBlanc hit a bit of a slump with the not-entirely successful spin off Joey but bounced back by playing a fictionalised version of himself on BBC comedy series Episodes. He also toppled Rowan Atkinson from poll position in the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car segment on Top Gear.

Rob ‘David’ Schwimmer was last reported living rough on the streets of Tallahassee Florida. He has been sighted with a crudely lettered cardboard sign indicating that he will say “We were on a break!” for loose change.

Matthew Perry is reported to have reclaimed three of his seven horcruxes and continues on his quest to cast the Earth and everyone on it into the pit of eternal flame for the greater good of his dark master. We wish him every success.

THE GREATEST TV SHOW OF ALL TIME!

There’s this guy, right? And he has this power, but he doesn’t know what the power is, just that he has it. And to find out what it is, he has to go on, like, a quest, and in the quest he visits this aircraft carrier, but it’s not really an aircraft carrier, it’s actually a parking garage. And in the garage there’s this, like, sort of bear man – he’s a man, but he’s also like a bear, right? Like, he’s big and hairy and he growls sometimes so you might think he’s a bear. And the bear man tells him something really important to do with concrete. And so now he has to go out and get the concrete, like all of the concrete, but there’s this big corporation that makes the concrete and they won’t give it to him. So he has to get a lawyer who specialises in concrete to represent him, but, and here’s the thing, he can’t afford a lawyer, so he has to hire a hot dog seller who says he’s a lawyer. But he’s not really a lawyer, he’s just a hot dog seller. And the hot dog seller has a dark past, which we see in flashback. And that’s pretty much the first season. In the second season there’s going to be this guy who flies and shoots firebolts from his hands. And then there’s, like, this other guy, and he has a power too and he knows what his power is and if our guy finds out what his power is it means the new guy will lose his power, right? And as the viewers we don’t know what his power is, although he already knows it, and he won’t tell anyone. And if he loses his power he’ll be turned into something really stupid like a dog, or an aircraft carrier or something. And so he wants to stop the other guy because he doesn’t want to be a dog or an aircraft carrier. So he’s hunting down the other guy and he has a friend who’s a really good hunter, but he has to pay him because although he’s his friend he doesn’t work for free, ever, because that’s his policy and he only accepts two dollar bills in payment and he wants a lot of them because he’s really expensive even to his friends. So they need to hunt for the other guy but also for lots of two dollar bills because they’re really rare. And the new guy has some kind of problem, maybe with his feet or his calves, and he’s always complaining about them and the hunter also has a problem that he complains about all the time, so they’re always complaining and they’re like the complaint brothers which is what the all fans will actually call them. And the show will be called “MAGNUM P.I. THE FORGOTTEN YEARS” and the new guy is played by the same actor as the old guy because they’re twins.

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