River of Love

Well, it has been far, far too long since I blogged anything. A combination of work stress, depression, and having Twitter at hand to instantly micro-blog my crude thoughts out to an uncaring world rather than having to put time and effort into polishing them into something worthy of more than 280 characters.

Then of course there’s the fact that I am a barely functional excuse for a human being, riddled with guilt and anxiety to the extent that if there’s something I need to do, and I don’t get it done within a certain time limit even the thought of the thing will fill me with such overwhelming guilt that I find myself unable to even approach doing it without a massive and extremely unpleasant effort of will (which is why I generally don’t get my tax done until February…).

In any case, this post ends the hoodoo. I have blogged, and so the thought of more blogging will not fill me with gloom and despair (at least not more so that normal).

By way of apology please enjoy this hot cut of Varga, which demonstrates beyond a doubt that Love Train is indeed the pinnacle of his musical talents…

Scandroid: The (horribly inaccurate) Synthwave Stage Musical!

Those who keep up with my increasingly intermittent blog and interminable Tweets should be at least be peripherally aware of the existence of Scandroid the reto-synthwave, sci-fi music project by Klayton – and my ongoing mild obsession with the same.

Those who have followed along for a while may also be aware of the fact that sometimes my brain will latch onto an idea and uncontrollably run with it, despite the fact that said idea may be a terrible one that I want nothing to do with. These dreadful ideas hijack my brain like some kind of demon and will only depart once I write them down and foist them on the unsuspecting world (a process I sometimes refer to as ‘busfuckery’).

The more astute may have already seen the connection here (as if the title of this post isn’t enough of a give away), late last week my brain decided to go on a wild excursion into insanity and rework Kleyton’s music into something I am completely unqualified to have anything to do with – a stage musical!

Now, before you decide I’ve gone completely bonkers it should be pointed out that there is actually a story behind the Scandroid project. You can pick up large chunks of it by just listening to the songs, and there’s more info to be found out there on the net. I hadn’t gone terribly deeply into this additional info, although I had stumbled over a couple of brief summaries. It was these summaries that combined with the music to ferment in the depths of my brain and boil over late on Friday night when I was trying to get to sleep.

As I lay there in bed my brain started spewing out a scene by scene rundown of a stage production telling the story of Scandroid. How to link the songs into a coherent story of Red and Aphelion and the rise of electronic consciousness. I just wanted to sleep, but whatever diseased part of my brain it is that does this stuff wouldn’t let me rest until I’d got up, grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled it all down lest I forget even the slightest detail overnight.

So, I woke on Saturday morning and decided to do some more poking around to see what else I could uncover on the Scandroid story. Oh boy… It turns out that there’s a lot of info out there. The story behind Scandroid is pretty well defined and ties into a bunch of Kleyton’s other projects. And large, hugely important chunks of it are completely incompatible with the story my brain had assembled, turning the entire creation into nothing more than a ridiculous, continuity-violating piece of fanfiction.

Faced with this revelation I made the sensible decision to abandon the whole thing and conceal my strange hubris from the world.

However, the part of my brain that tortures me with this kind of thing would not let the project die. It has incessantly badgered me over the last few days to write the whole thing up and present it to the world. I don’t know why it insists on this (there’s probably something horribly wrong with my ego), but the only way I’m going to find any peace is to grit my teeth and just do it, no matter how pretentious and misguided the whole thing is.

So here – for what it’s worth – is the sketch for Scandroid: The (horribly inaccurate) Synthwave Stage Musical.

(I am so very sorry – to Klayton in particular and everyone else in general…)

SCANDROID: THE (horribly inaccurate) SYNTHWAVE STAGE MUSICAL

== DRAMATIS PERSONAE ==

The Narrator – A Sentient Android
Red – A Scavenger and Musician
Raven – A Scavenger and Musician
ATOM 7K – A Robot
E.E.V – A Robot
Aphelion – A Hacker
The Clone – An evildoer
Various Hackers, Agents, Robots, Clones and Street Scum

== ACT 1 ==

The NARRATOR introduces the world of 2517 [2517]. The floating, golden city of Neo-Tokyo hovers over the crowded slums of Old Tokyo, inhabited by human and robot alike.

RED laments his life in the slums [Neo-Tokyo]. He is interrupted by RAVEN who tells him their set is about to begin.

RED and RAVEN perform at a nightclub along with two obsolete robots (ATOM and E.E.V) slaved to their instruments. RED sings about his search for a way out [Salvation Code]. Their set ends. ATOM and E.E.V shut down, and RAVEN teases RED about the imaginary girl from the song.

RED and RAVEN pack away their equipment and head out scavenging. They sneak into EDEN, a derelict section of the city locked down by patrols from Neo-Tokyo [Empty Streets]. In the ruins they stumble over an advanced combat robot that has fallen from Neo-Tokyo – the Scandroid.

RED and RAVEN carry the Scandroid out of EDEN and decide to break it up for parts which RAVEN can sell through his underworld contacts. They agree to keep the head to incorporate into their act. RED sees the money they’ll make as his ticket out of the slums [Neo-Tokyo – Reprise].

In Neo-Tokyo THE CLONE addresses his Agents [a song of some kind will be required here]. The Scandroid has escaped and must be recaptured at any cost. He dispatches his clones to scour Old Tokyo and assigns teams of hackers to search the Data Stream for signs of the robot. Among them is APHELION.

In Old Tokyo RED has finished connecting the Scandroid head to the instruments in his workshop. He starts composing a new song [Singularity]. He is interrupted by APHELION speaking through the head. She has successfully located it, but is enchanted by RED’s music. The two converse with APHELION warning RED of the danger he is in by harbouring the head. Their conversation is interrupted by a call from RAVEN, saying he’s in trouble and needs RED’s help. RED rushes out.

In the darkened workshop the Scandroid head comes to life. It plays RED’s song, building on it and completing it [Singularity – Reprise]. ATOM activates and is awakened to consciousness. He sings to E.E.V, awakening her [Awakening With You]. The two robots disconnect from the instruments and head into the streets of Old Tokyo, awakening other robots [Singularity – Second Reprise].

RED locates RAVEN who has been found by the CLONES. RED and RAVEN fight them, but RAVEN is captured and shouts for RED to flee [Destination Unknown]. RED returns to the workshop, hurriedly grabs some items and goes to flee. At the last second he grabs the Scandroid head.

== ACT 2 – THREE WEEKS LATER ==

The NARRATOR explains the consequences of ATOM and E.E.V’s awakening [Pro-bots & Robophobes]. Robots have achieved consciousness all over the city, and the humans have divided into two violently warring camps. In the ensuing chaos ATOM and E.E.V have led the sentient robots to EDEN and declared it a robotic sanctuary forbidden to humans…

…and that’s as far as I got. I’d scribbled down a vague outline for the rest of the show with plans to expand it further, but on realising just how abominably off-target this version of the story was I abandoned it.

In brief RED would remain on the run [Empty Streets – Reprise], talking to APHELION through the head while she runs interference preventing THE CLONE from finding him. Naturally they fall in love, although RED despairs that they’ll ever meet [Aphelion]. RAVEN re-appears, having been brainwashed to work for THE CLONE. RED urges APHELION to leave Neo-Tokyo and join him [Connection]. APHELION discovers that the Scandroid was programed with a prototype self-aware AI, which combined with RED’s music (and a whole bunch of handwaving yada yada yada) led to the awakening of the robots. She escapes Neo-Tokyo and meets up with RED [Rendezvous] and/or [Datastream]. The robots continue to construct their Eden [Future Bloodline]. Eventually APHELION and RED discover that they can upload their consciousnesses into the virtual world being constructed by the robots in Eden [The Veil]. They are almost stopped by THE CLONE, but RAVEN sacrifices himself to buy them just enough time. THE CLONE is left with their dead bodies, and RED and APHELION live happily ever after in the electronic paradise of Eden. Oh, and THE NARRATOR is revealed to be RED, reincarnated into an android body and telling the story centuries later. The end, tada.

So there it is, the abomination in full. I apologise once again for foisting it on the world. If you’d like to learn about the real story of Scandroid the Scandroid Origins short story is a great place to start. Or simply listen to the music and try to forget my shoddy corruption of Klayton’s datastream.

No Sleep ‘Till Nairobi

And yet another lyrics post, this time to the song No Sleep ‘Till Nairobi by the band S’ who seem to have gone out of their way to make their name impossible to either conjugate or Google. No matter, the song – from the far off days of 2006 – stands as perhaps the best invocation of the loneliness of the long distance traveler ever penned.

No Sleep ‘Till Nairobi

S’

No sleep ’till Nairobi,
I’m sorry to leave,
But honey, you know me, and you know that I need,
To shake off this laugh track,
And wander alone,
But I’m always half back here at home,

Where we’re running frantic,
Trying to move,
Above the Atlantic, I got nothing to prove,
I’m solving this cocktail,
While you’re on the run,
And I’m watching this rock sail round the sun,

No sleep ’till Nairobi,
These weeks are too long,
But as the days go, we sing traveling songs,
To hum throughout Heathrow,
Yeah, it’s duty-free,
Are you using that seat?
No, I guess it’s just me,

Yeah, I guess it’s just me,

Oh, I guess it’s just me,

Out on the tarmac,
Boarding a plane,
Staring at stars that, I cannot name,
Everyone’s weary,
What time is it now?
Well ready, ’cause here we go somehow,

No sleep till Nairobi,
The credit card’s cashed,
Sick of this so we, slowly get smashed,
When we don’t feel well we’ll,
Say our goodbyes,
But I can call from my cell, ’till the battery dies,

We find ourselves, in cheap hotels, wondering why we cannot sleep,
We sit and stare, just outside where, strangers straggle through the streets,
And up this late, we compensate, with hot black coffee and CNN,
Until it’s clear, that though we’re here, it doesn’t mean we see an end,

To lonely drives, and drinks in dives, and anxious rides to who knows where,
(No sleep ’till Nairobi, I’m sorry to leave,  But honey, you know me, and you know that I need,)
Propeller planes, and Amtrak trains, and soaking rains in summer air,
(To shake off this laugh track, and wander alone, but I’m always half back here at home,)
And since that’s so, it’s time to go, so grab your clothes from off the floor,
(No sleep ’till Nairobi, I’m sorry to leave,  But honey, you know me, and you know that I need,)
I think we might, just chase this night, that’s passing right outside the door,
(To shake off this laugh track, and wander alone, but I’m always half back here at home,)

Where we’re running frantic,
I’m trying to move,
Above the Atlantic, I got nothing to prove,
I’m solving this cocktail,
While you’re on the run,
And I’m watching this rock sail round the sun,

Not Worth Hiding

Fadades notwithstanding, I haven’t done a lyric transcription in ages, so I thought I’d get back in the saddle by getting down the lyrics of Alex the Astronaut’s beautiful new track Not Worth Hiding. Definitely going to be in my Hottest 100 list this year for both its message, and for just being a really sweet song. So here we go…

Not Worth Hiding

Alex the Astronaut

I learnt to drive to school when I was sixteen,
And I was happy with my friends and we skipped class for time to breathe,
We learnt about the stars and the trees,
I cried when I found kissing boys wasn’t for me,

So I tried every trick in the book,
I tried talking to the pretty boys, and changed the way I looked,
But wearing dresses to impress just left me lonely and upset,
And the boys could tell when I looked at her I wasn’t interested in them,

It’s not worth hiding if you’ve got something to say,
And it’s not worth smiling if you’re feeling in pain,
And it’s not worth hiding if you think you might be gay,
Or different in another way, you’re perfect just the same,

I opened the paper and it left me in shame,
Said that these contagious gays aren’t safe and you should keep your kids away,
But I grew older and bolder, and my friends caught on slowly,
Nineteen and withdrew the weight from my shoulders,

We sang,
It’s not worth hiding if you’ve got something to say,
And it’s not worth smiling if you’re feeling in pain,
And it’s not worth hiding if you think you might be gay,
Or different in another way, you’re perfect just the same,

So tell me, anyone?
If you love them as a daughter, could you love them as a son?
We all smile at different faces, we all blush at different names,
But holding someone’s hand should never make you feel ashamed,

Your story might not be at all like mine,
I don’t mean to simplify, this should be in your own voice and your own time,
But the cages that they’ve made us, should soon just rust away,
And this song just won’t need singing, but for now I’ll let it play,

It’s not worth hiding if you’ve got something to say,
And it’s not worth dying for the people who will smile at your name,
And it’s not worth lying if you’re feeling in pain,
And it’s not worth hiding, ’cause happiness could be on your way,

He Returns!

I was recently reminded of Alsace’s greatest contribution to black metal music, the amazing Fadades. He inhabits a castle! He builds lasers! He wears knives! No one can figure out whether he’s parodying the genre or is terrifyingly serious!

In perusing the Fadadian oeuvre I stumbled across a – I do hesitate to use the word ‘song’ but let’s go with it – a song I hadn’t heard before. So of course I jumped right in.

The piece in question sees our hero returning to the same rich vein of landing his spaceship in Egypt and being annoyed. This time around he’s considering the “nightmare” of Ramses rather than his “rage”, and he’s managed to convert his spaceship into 3 dimensions! Well done Fadades!

He also discovers a domed city –  Ramses was terrified of domes you know…

Anyway, as is traditional I’ve decided to attempt a transcription of what he’s on about. I think he’s trying to organise catering for a party and it’s not going well…

Ain’t jealous!
Just a word,
Not jealous!
Seat yourselves,

Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!
Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!

Excellent guests,
Yet faith,
Eggs!
Yet faith,

Ah!
Delicious!
Humongeous!
You seated at us!

Eggs for guests!
Lettuce!
Eggs!
Lettuce!

Need to get suggestions for keggers!
Tomorrow’s furious sun-a-rise!
Need-a sauce!
Like some samboria say…
This is stupid, lists of guests,
Really need a secure swain!
Stupidest suggest, oy!
Get us!

Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!
Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!
Suey the yeah yeah yeah I guess!

Elton, why have you forsaken me?

I’m rather late to the meme party, but I only just this week discovered the magnificence that is Neil Cicierega’s mashup back catalogue. For instance who would have ever thought that this combination was possible?

And what about this funky declaration that sleepin’ makes him feel good?

And how does this one even work?

My absolute favourite however has to be this little effort. There is something simply sublime about Serj Tankian’s pain filled screams superimposed on cheery Elton John pop-rock that sends the combination into the stratosphere.

If you find yourself liking this kind of stuff there’s a lot more of it up on YouTube, much of it involving Shrek. Enjoy!

Rampage Mode Activated

I was shocked and appalled today to discover today that the two hour long mix of retro synth-wave compiled by the Prime Thanatos that I’ve been using to get me through the work day has been taken down due to copyright claims. Outrageous! I mean there’s plenty of other two hour long mixes of retro synth-wave compiled by the Prime Thanatos, but how am I to activate rampage mode, without the assistance of that first retro synth-wave track, the name and artist of which I completely failed to note down?

So it was time to get my google-fu on.

In short order I was able to locate an archived page that, while it didn’t have the particular mix on it, had the track listing. And hence I was able to identify the track as the 2017 remix of Way Farer by SUNG and subsequently activate rampage mode successfully.

Along the way I also noted down this fine effort, the Dance with the Dead remix of Scandroid’s Neo Tokyo.

And for those of you who aren’t into retro synth-wave… I don’t know what to tell ya!.

Coming Clean

Well, it’s now gone 6:00pm in Hawaii, so I figure anyone who’s likely to have been fooled by my podcast gag will have been fooled and I can come clean about it. Yes, it was an April Fools joke. Haha! Aren’t I just great?

Anyway, lest anyone think the entire podcast thing was a long-con leading up to that ridiculous audio file, it’s not (I’m not anywhere near that organised). We are genuinely making a podcast – I just realised a couple of weeks back that making said podcast provided a great opportunity to prank people (and tighten up my audio editing skills in the process). So stay tuned for news on the real premier of Carthago Delenda Est.

In the meantime I thought I’d elucidate on the sources of that clattering bag of madness I thrust upon you all.

The first part is sourced from the amazing Chriddof and his video Mr Sir…

The mini-episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation was edited together from various sources and was largely inspired by the extremely weird and decidedly not safe for work Star Trek: The Disturbing Animated Series which not longer appears to be available online – which is probably good for the future of human civilisation. The “Enough!” is sourced from the famously horrible cut scenes from the CD-i game Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon.

The Thames TV sign off was another nod to Chriddof, and was hopefully somewhat disorientating to those who grew up watching both TNG and British sitcoms from the 70s.

The next section uses a couple of weird audio files I obtained many moons ago. The morse code is from a record telling the life story of Samuel Morse in m0rse code (morse code records were a thing for a while apparently). The radio signal is a recording from the famous numbers station Lincolnshire Poacher. Over the top of these is Lemongrab’s freakout scene from the Adventure Time episode You Made Me.

His scream of “TAKE OFF YOUR THING!!” is from earlier in the same episode.

The final section consists of samples from The Garfield Monstrosity segment of the My Brother, My Brother and Me podcast, in which the McElroy brothers discuss a fellow with a rather unusual problem (it is self described as “possibly the grossest conversation ever heard by human ears”, so you have been warned)…

These are mixed over the Moog Cookbook’s amazing cover of Hotel California.

The quote “I’m a nightmare weaver, Martha” is from another MBMBAM segment, on the invention of scarecrows.

The final section is stolen wholesale from the end of rx’s cover of The End of the World as We Know It, as performed by George W. Bush – which I still think is one of finest bits of audio/video editing I’ve ever seen. This of course features a sample of Winston Churchill’s speech about the battle of El Alamein in 1942.

So there you go, all the bones that were boiled to make the soup. The real podcast should be along… well I won’t say “shortly”. “Eventually” is probably more realistic 🙂

Schadenfreude and Salt

Ah, depression and having to work for a living are not really conducive to blogging.

Anyway, since I last made an update we’ve had a state election. Schadenfreude is an ignoble emotion, but it was still sweet to watch the Liberals* kicked out of power with a 16% swing. Not that Labor are likely to be much better, but at least it’s a new set of faces screwing us over.

And they won’t (probably) sell off Western Power, and they will (probably) cancel Roe 8, both of which suit me just fine.

Switching subjects wildly in that crazy way you love me for, I’ve noticed lately that salt lamps are making a comeback. You know, the ones made of a big chunk of Himalayan pink rock salt with a light bulb shoved in the middle? I’ve got no problem with people buying these as decoration – they look great, if I could afford the ridiculously inflated prices I’d get one myself – but when people buy them because of the ‘health benefits’ it makes my blood boil in the particular way I reserve for scam artists ripping off the vulnerable.

The supposed health benefits of salt lamps derive from them releasing ‘negative ions’. Now, it is true that if you sufficiently heat up salt it will release negative ions, but the ionic bond between sodium and chlorine in salt is extremely strong. So much so that you need to heat rock salt to a few hundred degrees before you get any more than a tiny trickle of ions out of it.

It should go without saying that if a lamp in the corner of your lounge room is heating up to hundreds of degrees, then the resulting plentiful supply of ions is probably not going to be your chief concern.

On top of this is the fact that there is very little evidence of negative ions having any beneficial effect whatsoever. The idea is based simply on the observation that people (some people anyway) feel ‘energised’ after a thunderstorm. Somewhere along the line someone attributed this to ‘negative ions’ and the pseudoscience industry ran with it. Negative ions may under some circumstances reduce dust but that’s about it.

Finally ‘Himalayan’ rock salt does not come from the Himalayas. Most of it comes from a completely different mountain range located in Pakistan. The remainder actually comes from Poland. So not only are you paying big bucks for completely fictional heath benefits, you’re not even getting the material you think you are!

So yeah, quit it with the rock salt lamps people!

Anyway I’ve been grooving to this Chvrches track lately. Not only is it a great song – I particularly like the contrast between Lauren Mayberry’s and Hayley Williams’ voices – the video clip is a lot of fun too. The toast makes me laugh every time.

Finally as prompted by the always amazing Haiz I’ve been getting into Thrilling Intent of late. This is a massive series of videos where an RPG group has recorded their extremely stupid adventures. The style – mostly audio with icons being moved around a map – takes a bit of getting used to, and I suggest setting the speed to 1.25 for the first few eps, but the characterisation and improvisation are brilliant.

The characters are Markus Velafi – a fast talking, magic using, impulsive Tiefling bullshit artist, Gregor Hartway – a well meaning but idiotically naive fighter, and Aesling (Ash) a magic user of some description who is the only voice of reason in the group (she spends a lot of her time yelling at the others). It’s downright hilarious and highly recommended.

So, that should keep you busy for a while. Have at it!

(* Which is to say Conservatives. Don’t ask.)

Plagues and Pleasures

Both Pauline Hanson and Justin Beiber are in town today.  It’s a wonder the earth hasn’t opened up and swallowed the entire city.

Anyway, I have been quite sick this week with a cold. A horrible cold in the middle of summer. Nowhere near as bad as the one I had in Basel, but still not much fun. On the upside the chemists across from the office decided to trust me enough to sell me some cold tablets full of pseudoephedrine which dried up my nose quite nicely and suppressed my appetite to the point that I was plain forgetting to eat – so maybe I’ve lost a bit of weight.

(Talking of the Basel incident I noticed a distinct groove in my toenails today. Doing some quick calculations concerning the average rate of toenail growth there’s a distinct possibility that it coincides with my miserable week trying not to die in a Swiss hotel room – which suggests I was even sicker than I thought!)

If I haven’t lost weight from gulping down amphetamines I’ve probably lost some in sweat from the stupid weather the last few weeks. It’s not just hot, it’s hot and humid. It’s like living in goddam Singapore! Things are meant to cool down  a bit this week, so maybe I’ll be able to get some sleep.

Anyway I’ve been spending my time while hiding inside from the heat by pottering around the Internet and have discovered a couple of things worth sharing.

First up, this quite remarkable a cappella version of Oblivion (remember Oblivion?). The lead singer doesn’t quite live up to Susanne Sundfør’s example – but then hardly anyone could. It’s a downright amazing performance!

Ah! There’s a stink bug flying around the apartment! OH GOD PANIC!!!

OK, that’s dealt with.

So the second thing is this first hand account of how a guy solved the disappearance of a German family in Death Valley, 13 years after the event. It’s not a story with a happy ending, but it’s truly fascinating how he figured out where the tourists went and why.

While zooming around Google Earth to track down the locations in the story I ended up drifting south to the shores of the Salton Sea, a truly strange place where the American dream went to… well if not die exactly at least slip into a deep coma. Then while doing some Salton related googling I discovered that the 2004 documentary Plagues and Pleasures on the Salton Sea is available in its entirety on YouTube! It’s only an hour long and well worth a watch if you’re fond of the odd corners of American culture.

OK, that’s it for now. Peace out all!

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