I know temperature isn’t as simple as marks on a thermometer. I know buildings in the UK are built to retain heat, while ours are built to repel heat. I know acclimatisation, habit and even wardrobe have a big effect on how people perceive the weather. I know people are genuinely suffering. But despite all this I can’t help but snort with laughter on seeing headlines like…

Send workers home if temperature hits 30C, say MPs who fear heatwave will cause accidents and deaths

Seriously – if we sent people home at 30C here in Perth, nothing would get done from August right through to March.

Also, the definition of a “Level Three Heatwave” makes me have to bite my fist to avoid bursting into fits of giggles…

Level three is triggered as soon as the Met Office confirms that threshold temperatures have been reached in any one region […] the average threshold temperature is 30ºC during the day and 15ºC overnight.

Here, that’s not a “Level Three Heatwave” – that’s unexpectedly mild summer weather where the days aren’t too hot and the nights are cool enough to sleep comfortably. In the heights of summer when a high pressure system is stalled in the Bight we’d kill for temperatures like that!

Cross-cultural hilarity aside, stay indoors and keep cool Britons. And look after those hedgehogs!

This Cannot be Borne!

The minimum temperature last night was 27.7 degrees. I think we can all agree that this is ridiculous and something should be done.

I suggest sending a fleet of tugs down to Antarctica to snap off a bit of ice shelf and tow it back here. We can then hack chunks off of it and helicopter them up into the hills. The easterlies will turn nice and cool, and the runoff will go straight into the dams. It’s a win-win situation!

Get onto it Premier! I command you!

The Weather is Trying to Kill Me

Pirates are all we can be!

Seriously. We’ve had two weeks of maximums in the mid 30’s and minimums in the low 20’s, and this week it’s ramped up to high 30’s with minimums in the mid 20’s. If it doesn’t cool down after that, I’ll be dead.

Until then, what could be cooler than a Scottish metal cover of a Eurovision song about pirates? In my opinion, nothing!

That is all.