Category: Creative Writing

The Holder of the Sovereignty

Any mug can do it when the yards are full…

(Thought I’d give this a shot…)

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself “The Holder of the Sovereignty”. Should a disturbing look of eagerness come over the worker’s face you will be taken to and left at a metal door in a brick outbuilding.

Knock three times on the door. A muffled voice should answer. If not, turn around and walk away. You may return and try again another day. If the voice answers, DO NOT say anything. Instead wait until the voice ceases, then knock three times again. The voice will again answer and again you MUST NOT speak. Wait until the voice ceases and knock three times once more. The voice will answer, and if you again remain silent the door will unlock. You MUST NOT speak during any of this, for reasons that it is not safe to explain.

Open the door and walk through. You will be in a small, windowless, brick room with an wrought-iron spiral staircase descending into the floor. The staircase will be covered in dust and cobwebs.

Descend the staircase. It will go far deeper than seems possible but do not turn around, no matter how much you may want to.

At the bottom of the staircase is a dusty hallway leading to a green door. If you are truly committed, open the door and go through. Otherwise ascend the staircase and leave. NEVER return.

Behind the door is a dusty storeroom filled with metal shelves and boxes. Search the room for a black, velvet covered box. Open it. Inside will be dozens of tiny fragments of bone, shaped like puzzle pieces. Fit them together (DO NOT sleep in this room, no matter how long it takes to assemble the puzzle).

When the pieces are properly assembled they form a human skull. This is the Holder of the Sovereignty.

Hold the skull to your ear. It will instruct you to carry out a task of minor betrayal against an acquaintance. If you do not complete this task within one year, you will die.

Once the task is complete, return to the room and hold the skull to your ear again. It will instruct you to carry out a task of substantial betrayal against a friend or loved one. If you do not complete this task within one month, you will die.

Once the task is complete, return to the room and hold the skull to your ear again. It will instruct you to carry out a task of ultimate betrayal against the person you care about the most. If you do not complete this task within one week, you will die.

Once the task is complete, return to the room and hold the skull to your ear again. It will tell you the secret known to the greatest traitors and turncoats in history. Used wisely this secret will make you the richest of the rich, and the most powerful of the powerful. Used unwisely it will cost you everything you own including your soul.

This secret is Object 227 of 538. It must never be shared with anyone.

(Yeah, thought so. Easy :))

Imaginary Language Relay Number One

The Fable of the Ships
(After 8 rounds of translation)

A newly wed Bride went to visit a Wizard.

“Why do we call down the stars upon our ships?” she asked

“We put the stars on our great sails as lanterns to guide our ships to safe harbour” he answered.

“What about those that sink?” she asked

“When an evil sorceror climbs to a high point to cast a spell, he throws a burning brand into the sea” explained the wizard

“Can this magic only be done at night?” asked the Bride

“If I had only a little more knowledge I would turn you into a frog!” answered the Wizard

“That would be good” said the Bride


The Great Fleet
(Original Text)

A young girl was speaking with her Great-Father.

“Why do we call the stars the Great Fleet?”

“The stars are the mast-lanterns of the Great-Parents. They shine in the night to guide our spirits home.”

“And what of falling stars?”

“Sometimes when one of the Great-Parents climbs the mast to light the lantern they drop their taper and it falls into the ocean.”

“Then why don’t falling stars appear only at dusk?”

“Don’t be too clever little one, or the Great-Parents will turn you into a seal-pup!”

“I’ll be good!”

Foolish Story Ideas No. 1

Fffffffffffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidddddddddddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Anthropologist records complex, ancient, multi-instrumental and multi-vocal religious chants from obscure South East Asian tribe. Accidentally messes up playback, speeding chants up by factor of eight. Chants are transformed into insipid modern pop song, complete with good approximation of modern instrumentation and English lyrics.

Considerations…
How did insipid modern pop song end up thousands of years in the past?
How did insipid modern pop song thousands of years in the past end up slowed down by eight?
How did insipid modern pop song thousands of years in the past and slowed down by eight become religiously significant enough to be repeated and preserved for thousands of years?
What is effect of this revelation on culture and religion of tribe?

Discuss.

A Message from the BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System

A unique new way we’ve figured out to to prize money from the hand of the gullible

The BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System is a unique new way we’ve figured out to to prize money from the hand of the gullible using the exciting field of Harmony Block Transfer Computation Renewal – a type of science we’ve just made up!

This unique system was developed by Dr Hiram Q. Chuzzlewit (holder of a Doctorate in Applied Scientism from the Yorba Linda School of Correspondence) based on information ‘bought back’ after he hit his head on a doorway and felt woozy for a few minutes – and wastes more CPU clock cycles than any comparable product!

BiUnity(TM) is the first system of its kind to use a computer to do absolutely nothing while convincing you it’s doing something by bombarding you with a load of meaningless gibberish peppered with new-age keywords such “energy”, “vibration”, “fractal” and “harmony”. It also displays pretty patterns that can be used to hypnotise your pets and less intelligent relatives!

(If there are any less intelligent than you!)

BiUnity(TM) leads the way in selling you overpriced pieces of rock crystal with wires attached in the hope that you’ll think these can somehow “transmit information” to your body in direct contravention of well established physical and biological principles!

Federal law prevents us from presenting any testimonials about BiUnity(TM) (as we’d then have to submit it for assessment by the FDA and our whole little money making scheme would collapse around our ears when they announce it’s just some lumps of rock crudely wired up to USB plugs and a cheap graphics demo program) but here’s a completely unrelated story we’d like you to read…

“I used to get terrible headaches from the CIA using lasers to shoot messages into my brain. Now whenever I feel a headache start I simply beat myself in the head with my BiUnity(TM) crystal probes until I pass out and then I feel much better! Thank you BiUnity(TM)!” — Arthur P’Tang P’Tang Owlett, Toledo, Ohio

So if you’ve got more money than sense and honestly believe paying $5,000 for some lumps of rock and cheap software will make your life better, we want to hear from you! Google BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System today!

A Reading from the Book of Truth

All are the three and of the three

The document now known as The Book of Truth was discovered in southern Namibia in 2004, apparently having been deposited by a temporal wormhole of the kind now known to spontaneously occur in that region. Although the date of authorship is unknown, temporal studies have suggested that it originates from at least 4oo years in the future, and (based on isotope readings of the ink) was probably produced in east Asia.

The document is in the form of a slim booklet, hand written on coarse paper, bound with a leather cover fastened with clasps of poor quality steel. Carbon dating of the paper suggests that the document is between 100 and 150 years old. It is written in a language barely recognisable as English, displaying a heavy influence from a south Slavic language – most likely a dialect of Croatian. Translation of the text has been hindered by the fact that the metal components of the work are highly radioactive, whether this is an effect of the time-travel process, or due to environmental factors at the point of origin is currently unknown.

What translation has been possible suggests that the work is religious and philosophical in nature. Extracts from the first two chapters (which are divided into numbered verses) are presented below.

Chapter 1
1: All in creation is composed of the three, and the three are that which is Good, that which is Evil and that which is neither, and the names of the three are potos, ekos and notos.
2: In the moment of creation was made hadaz, the water of the heavens. And hadaz was formed both good and evil.
3: And hadaz did beget the stars, and the stars did beget all. The metal and stones, the air and waters, all that is living and non-living.
4: And all are the three and of the three.
5: Potos and notos shall gather together as a fly in the temple of the wise. And ekos shall weave around them a veil.
6: And the veil shall be many layered and the outmost veil shall be most highly regarded when complete.
7: And the ekos within the veil shall be where it is not, and none that knows where it is shall know where it will be, for there it is not, though it is.
8: And all that is real shall ascend.

Chapter 2
1: That which is light is strong, but that which is heavy is weak and its weakness will be shown when struck.
2: That which is the heaviest is the weakest and in its breaking is poison, but the poison may be harnessed by the wise for acts of power.
3: But the poison of the breaking shall last for a thousand years and corrupt the earth and vex the wise.
4: For it is not the power of the stars, and the power of the stars and the blending of the hadaz shall evade the very wisest.

The Scoliosis Bus

Making light of a serious medical condition.

Had a very enjoyable Boxing Day lunch at Rebecca and Dom’s yesterday. As is usual the postprandial conversation wandered all over the place, and happened to light upon a government funded bus that used to travel around from school to school testing children for signs of scoliosis. Our collective blood sugar levels being all over the place we found the concept of “the scoliosis bus” quite hilarious, and laughed like drains for a good five minutes.

Rebecca kindly gave me a lift home and on the short walk from her car to my apartment my brain insisted on whipping up a set of lyrics, which I now – shamefully – present to a candid world…

The Scoliosis Bus (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

A day or two ago, I thought I’d go to school,
And as I studied there, what vehicle up did pull?
The Nurse jumped out the bus, and measured up my spine,
She said “put on this truss and you will soon be feeling fine!”

Spinal cord! Spinal cord! Spinal chordate truss!
Oh what fun it is to ride in the Scoliosis Bus!
Spinal cord! Spinal cord! Spinal chordate truss!
Oh what fun it is to ride in the Scoliosis Bus!

I am so, so sorry.

Renaissance of the Geek Underclass

The special extended edition.

Well, I’ve at least accomplished something sort of worthwhile with my week off, a complete rebuild of the Tales of the Geek Underclass. The old site was so badly laid out as to be almost completely unreadable, so I’ve revised it into something that doesn’t make me want to puke. I’ve also started work on revising the content, since some of the writing is as almost as embarrassing as the layout. I may even get some more tales written – stay tuned!

Went to the Dentist on Friday. They said that I might as well not bothered coming, my teeth are in such good shape. They couldn’t even find anything worth cleaning, although they did a clean anyway since I was there. Good to know at least one part of my body seems to work 🙂

The midnight screening of Harry Potter was fun. There were a good number of people in costumes, and the movie was reasonably enjoyable. I’ve always had a problem with the Harry Potter movies in that on the one hand I know the books so well that I immediately notice all the bits they miss out and change, but on the other hand can mentally fill them back in, making the movie seem more complete than it actually is, so I’m an awful judge of whether a given HP movie is any good or not. But overall I had a good time, so that’s what counts.

(Why didn’t they have to say “I didn’t kill you” at Grimauld Place? Why didn’t Harry liberate Mad-Eye’s eye? Why didn’t Voldemort turn up at Godric’s Hollow? Why didn’t they put in more Tonks? Why don’t they ever put in more Tonks? I’ll shut up now :))

Back to work tomorrow. Bah.

Later: The link to the Tales was pointing to a file on my desktop. How does someone do that after 10 years as a web developer? I has an embarrassment! (it’s fixed now).

Raral Charms a Belly

Naught: Thus his forking tore true rorqual pillages an shields, sue pleas drink a long you valknut shores…

This cap do they hart of don Belly ease voutry-sidhe an axe implore bee artiful rake fjords, nod enjoin an train quality of Gulingigo Parish. Taque on sir sounding chew off non-split royal Belly nor of you like, tray tour hard net fashion on are well stoked with frond. Nor of true perfect, treat a calf our volk down hull true they pace fjords nor and steam and black ute a fiderant hole, grue gogo naut parma, khaffee, vonilla and cleave plan sensations. Via sit on Belly’s fascia, hating tread notional harm compost rounds. Whifren tar sussurating voles! Thistled aroon I caught ya, too will sea civet all bad moons, a trample and nor cerement all flat form. Aught the pillage! Joonie downs a bath bowdlering wish pontoony fore ratchet het race shields. Ones their relapse Belly knees tile, in out brad typical botched hoof papilion pelt own Woden tilts wark a blam boo bloor! (tre papilion as four treks lucid yous by dour ease diets). It’s sata amon guest pickaxe terrain rice paddles. Hospital lacuna good yaw on pap airing autistic belly knees cousin!

From the Historical to the Stupid

I’m in a moat?

I’m on a goat m**********r take a look at me!
Straight riding on a goat, that’s spelt g-o-a-t!
You know it’s real ’cause my ride is chewing on my coat!
You can’t stop me m**********r ’cause I’m on a goat!

I’m on a goat and, it’s going fast and,
It ate my nautical themed pashmina afghan!

I can’t write any more of this god-damned drivel! Good night!! ;D

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