Work-a-day Blues

Client: This order didn’t go through the checkout properly! Help!

Me: Yes, you’re right. OK, we’re troubleshooting it and will keep you posted.

Some time later…

Client: I tried putting the order through again and it didn’t work!

Me: Yes, we’re still trying to sort out the problem with the checkout. We’ll let you know when we’ve solved it.

Some more time later…

Client: I tried putting the order through again and it didn’t work! We need to get this order processed to balance the books! It’s hurting our business!

Me: Have you had problems with any other orders since?

Client: No, every other order is coming through fine, but this one keeps failing every time I put it through!

Me: OK, we’re still working on the checkout issue, but you can use this tool to edit the details of the order – that way you can correct the erroneous details, process the order and get your books balanced. Try it out and let me know how you go.

Time passes…

Client: I put the order through again and it still failed! Are you taking this issue seriously? We need to balance our books.

Me: Did you edit the order like I suggested, or put through an entirely new one?

Client: I put through a new one! You need to fix this!

Me: I know we need to fix it, we’re working on it. In the meantime here are the instructions again on how to edit one of the failed orders so you can get the order processed and squared away.

Later on…

Client: I’ve tried putting the order through again, and it still failed. We are seriously reconsidering our business relationship with your company!

Me: Do you mean you edited one of the orders like I showed you and it failed?

Client: No, I put through a new one! The checkout needs to be fixed NOW!

Me: We’re working on that, it’s a very complicated issue and it’s taking time to resolve. You haven’t received any other problematic orders and if you follow the instructions I sent you can get the order corrected and processed. Let me know if you need a hand with it.

This morning…

Client: I put the order through again and it didn’t work. You need to fix this NOW!

* * *

Is it wrong that I’m having fantasies about heading over to this client’s place with a rocket propelled grenade launcher?

A Typical Day at the Office

Email from Client: I add da product an it no in da pending! Help me!*

My Reply: Just to make sure I’ve got this straight – you added a product using the the new interface, but it  became active immediately rather than going into the pending category? Correct?

Client’s Reply: I no see product not anywhere!

Reply I would have liked to send: I asked you a damn question!! If you don’t answer it I can’t fix your petty little problem!

What I actually did: Spent twenty minutes investigating the database and determining that the product had been added using the old interface, and the client skipped a step, despite being given clear, numbered instructions only yesterday.


* The client’s emails were actually written in reasonable English, I just edited them to cave man to give an idea of how uninformative and useless they were.

Unpainting the Wall

Being my first time creating a website I simply didn’t think of this…

An email from a client today, who asked us to add a new and very complicated feature to his recently constructed website (details redacted to protect the innocent)…

Bit confused about the costing for the [new feature] – if I had realized this earlier, I would have had it done previously.

Sort of would have thought that [other client] would have already had something like this – being my first time creating a website I simply didn’t think of this.

In other words, “the website doesn’t do something that I never actually asked for it to do, but you should have realised that that’s what I wanted so you should do the work for free”.

Ha! Haha! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Clients, how they crack me up!

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