The Octopus!

Medical Cephalopods. What?!

Once again there’s a remake/remodel thread over at Whitechapel, which I’d take part in if…

a) I wasn’t an anti-social weirdo with an aversion to message boards
b) I could draw

As neither of these conditions apply I shall instead dabble in the black arts of pen-portraiture to inflict my idea upon the world.

The brief from Warren, such as it is, is as follows… (as it is is as?)

One of the more outré of the pulp characters—and given the genre, that’s quite saying something, believe me—the Octopus was actually the villain of the piece in his single issue, The Octopus v1 #4, 1939, written by…well, it’s not exactly clear. It might be Norvel Page, or it might be Ejler and Edith Jacobsen. A rather over-the-top mad scientist, the Octopus worked from a big city hospital and plotted world conquest. His appearance might explain his desire to dominate the world; he’s sea-green, with four “suction-cupped weaving tentacles” set above “hideously malformed” legs. He wears a small mask, and behind it can be seen two enormous, luminous, purple eyes. He was the leader of the Purple Eyes, a cult bent on world domination and mass destruction. The Octopus’ chosen method was an “ultra-violet ray” which devolved men and women and turned them into deformed, life-hating monsters hungry for human flesh and glowing with “ultraviolet purple.” Against the Octopus was set Jeffrey Fairchild, a young millionaire philanthropist (he eventually stopped the Octopus, of course). He had three identities. The first was Jeffrey Fairchild, hospital administrator. The second was was kindly Dr. Skull, the old man who made a practice of helping the poor in the slums. (His good works didn’t help him when everyone thought that he was the Octopus, however) In his other identity he was the “Skull Killer,” who fought crime and left a skull-imprint, ala the Spider, on his enemies. Fairchild was assisted by Carol Endicott, Dr. Skull’s nurse.

My idea is to turn this all on its head…

Observe if you will St Brendan’s Hospital, a run down and poorly funded medical facility on the waterfront close to where the river rolls it’s tribute of chemicals, fertilisers, PET bottles and dead dogs into the open sea. Twenty-five years ago a young octopus polyp was inadvertently sucked into the hospital’s cooling system. Against the odds it survived, feeding on biological waste, cafeteria remnants and bathing in the drug-residue soaked waters of the hospital drains – a lifestyle that caused it to change, developing super-human intelligence and a photographic memory…

Today the Octopus lurks in the hospital’s walls, pipes and air conditioning system. After a quarter century of observation (not to mention late night study in the medical library) it is a better diagnostician and surgeon than most of the hospital’s poorly paid staff. In the early hours it sneaks unseen from it’s bolt holes and performs life saving procedures on misdiagnosed patients, earning the hospital an increasing reputation for ‘miracle’ cures.

Posed against the Octopus is the dastardly Chief of Medicine, Doctor Jeffrey Fairchild. More than happy to pose for the press with the latest miracle recovery, he desperately searches the Hospital for the phantom that cures the patients he would rather let die. For Doctor Fairchild is embezzling the Hospital’s funding into his own personal accounts and every cure draws more attention, endangering his nefarious schemes…

So yeah, that’s my crazy idea. A medical octopus and an embezzling doctor. Surely that’d sell comics! 😀

A Poor Attempt at Mimicry

An attempt at channelling the style and spirit of Warren Ellis

In reference to this monstrosity

Fabes: I am surprised they could afford the materials for this project, after getting ripped off $15/month for playing WoW to begin with….

Me: Well it looks like they’re university students so their government is probably paying them all sorts of grants to get up late, play Warcraft into the early hours of the morning then occasionally stumble into class where their lecturer asks “What are you doing for your big design project?” and they mutter out “… uh.. design… project… raid… caverns of num-yabisc… Warcraft….” and they then have no choice but to build some crappy hut with $12.50 worth of plywood claiming that the shitty design and finishing is so it resembles structures in the game and isn’t because they had zero time to work on it between carrying out mass raids and shovelling microwaved mac and cheese into their drooping maws while ogling at 3D models of elf maidens in armour so skimpy that it wouldn’t stop a mosquito let alone the axe of an orc on wolfback who probably carries mosquitoes with him anyway as a consequence of bad hygiene and all the blood he wears as war paint the bastard.

(This is an attempt at sounding like Warren Ellis. If he ever finds out about it he may well hunt me down and kill me 🙂

(Oh, and the guys who built the thing obviously put a great deal of thought and effort into it – I’m just being evil for humourous effect)

Futile Boasts

The photos are up on Flickr!

I’m still too busy to make any kind of proper post, but I’d just like to say that I cycled 14kms yesterday and climbed to the top of Reabold Hill and didn’t die!

Hooray me! (place as much sarcasm on that as you feel comfortable with)

Here’s some music…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXn1320YH8s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIvF_ZBE6es
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIWRYwCGEF4

Oh Quornimal! Oh Quornimal!

The only animal made exclusively of mycoprotein!

Recently Helen mentioned on her blog a previously unknown form of fauna – the quornimal.

The quornimal is apparently…

“…a sort of dog-sized version of Highland Cattle but with the horn of a unicorn…”

Now this is all well and good, but it does raise at least one extremely important question. Does the quornimal have the horns of a highland cow, plus a unicorn’s horn? Or does it have the unicorn’s horn exclusively?

Perhaps there are even two species of quornimal – the mono-horned quornimal and the triple-horned quornimal. And if there are, do they taste different?

And can you find quornimal in Warrnambool?

But who’ll look after the graves?

I know, I shouldn’t mock the internet people.

Some comments from the news article Family sets sail for Australia like it’s 1854 on news.com.au today…

By 1854 every ship afloat was equipped with sextants and chronometers, which accurately measured latitude and longitude respectively and made navigation safe and reliable. If this bloke is “navigating by the stars” without even these instruments, he is not replicating an 1854 voyage, he is back in the age of the Vikings.

Posted by: chris of canberra

Chris of Canberra – read the article mate. They are recreating a voyage undertaken in 1854 by 7 people escaping from abject poverty. How were people below the poverty line in 1854 going to be able to afford a sexton and a chronometer. Navel chronometers were insanely expensive pieces of kit back when all clocks were mechanical.

Posted by: Badger of Melbourne

Badger of Melbourne – I’m currently planning a sea voyage myself and never stopped to consider the high cost of hiring church officials to take with me. Thanks for the heads up!

Posted by: Purple Wyrm of Sexton vs Sextant Land

I know I shouldn’t mock, but sometimes I just can’t help myself 🙂

Quote of the Week

The stuff about Bowie’s codpeice is gold too

…Miss Piggy- and Gonzo-loving kids and parents must have thought this J.R.R. Tolkien-like epic would be an adorable Kermit-dressed-as-a-Hobbit romp. What they got were the Skeksis, lizard bird creatures that ate other Muppets and shrieked in such a way, I still can’t get it out of my head….

From The 26 Most Disturbing Kid Movies Ever, unsurprisingly discussing The Dark Crystal

So much for more frequent posts eh? Still devilishly busy at work and also feeling somewhat sick and run down. Hopefully things shall improve shortly.

On a spoilers-for-Battlestar-Galactica note….
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..They killed Cally!! You bastards!

(Do I really have to point out that that’s a nod to old-school South Park?)

I don’t care that she (apparently) smelled of boiled cabbage and developed total amnesia over Baltar putting her on the death list, I still loved her!

Booo evil crypto-Cylon woman! Boooo!

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