Purple Wyrm – Page 16

In Too Deep, Against all Odds!

As the turning of the year speeds us onward into winter the time has come for me to actually make a post. Don’t expect this to be a regular thing mind you, it’s likely only possible because I’ve taken a week off work and hence actually have the time to think.

Anyway, this week someone on Reddit had decided to compile a list of Adeptus Astartes war cries (yes, I’m on about Warhammer again, deal with it) and helpfully posted the same to the 40kLore subreddit. When browsing through this list I noticed something a bit strange – can you spot it?

“Doom ye! Doom ye! Doom ye!”–Doom Warriors
“Skovakarah uhl zarûn!” (“Redden the earth!”)–Emperor’s Spears
“Bringers of war!”—Emperor’s Warbringers
“In too deep, against all odds brothers!”—Genesis Chapter
“”We are the hammer!” or “I am the hammer, I am the right hand of the Emperor, the instrument of His will, the gauntlet about His fist, the tip of His spear, the edge of His sword!”—Grey Knights
“Primarch-Progenitor, to your glory and the glory of Him on Earth!”—Imperial Fists
“The flesh is weak!”—Iron Hands

In case you’re not an ageing Gen-Xer and the title of this post didn’t tip you off, it’s the war cry of the Genesis Chapter, who apparently charge into battle yelling “In too deep, against all odds brother!”. What immediately startled me about this can best be summed up with the inclusion of a couple of videos…

So, we are being asked to believe that the war cry of the Genesis Chapter just happens to be built from the title of a Genesis song, and a former-lead-singer-of-Genesis-Phil-Collins song?

Now, sure, Warhammer 40k is probably the most plagiarism-guilty IP in human history. It’s cobbled together from chunks of Dune, Heinlein’s Starship Troopers, the collected works of J. R. R. Tolkien, Judge Dredd, the generalised evil of Margaret Thatcher and dozens – if not hundreds – of other sources. There’s barely an original idea in the whole thing. But directly quoting prog-rock lyrics seems a little too on the nose even for Games Workshop. So what the hell is going on?

I started digging. The oldest reference I could find to the alleged war cry is on the Genesis Chapter page on the 40k Fandom Wiki – which immediately sounded all kinds of alarm bells.

Warhammer 40,000 has been a thing since 1987, and since then an absolutely titanic amount of background lore has been generated. Organising it all into a Wiki is the obvious management solution, and as a result there are a number of 40k Wikis on the web. The big three though are Lexicanum, 1d4Chan and the 40k Fandom wiki.

Lexicanum is – in my opinion – the most reliable as it insists that all information must be properly sourced. It can be a bit dry and academic though, being very much the “just the facts ma’am” 40k wiki.

1d4Chan (when it hasn’t gone offline, which it seems to do regularly) is an obscenity laced carnival of memes that – once you scrape off all the hyperbole – is often surprisingly accurate. It’s also the only of the big three to really include meta-information – that is to say info about the history and community of 40k . If you want to understand the hate directed towards C. S. Goto, or know why Matt Ward is your spiritual liege it’s the place to go. On the downside it’s not updated that much any more, and if not tempered with more reliable sources can easily delude new 40k fans into confusing memes and jokes (usually very dated memes and jokes – like those involving Matt Ward and C. S. Goto…) with actual lore (For instance the Death Korp of Krieg are not suicidal and they do not regard shovels to be their ‘cultural weapon’, and you cannot kill Orks by pointing a gun at them and shouting ‘bang!’).

The 40k Fandom Wiki… well, to be frank, I do not like it. Its moderation and sourcing rules are extremely lax – pretty much anyone can post anything they like there and it’s up to other uses to spot and correct it. Which brings us back to the Genesis Chapter…

On February 8th 2011 – yes, that’s over a decade ago folks! – some wanderer of the digital waste decided to have a bit of fun with the Genesis Chapter Fandom Wiki page and made a series of edits to the info box, which I shall display here as a before and after screenshot…

Sussudio – first charted by Explorator Petrus Gabriellus in 994.M30!

Such wit! Such satire! Actually, to be entirely honest, it’s exactly the kind of joke I’d make, but I certainly wouldn’t go and vandalise a wiki with it!

The joker’s changes were reverted pretty quickly, but whoever did it seemingly lacked the necessary knowledge of Phil Collin’s back catalogue to recognise the war cry as part of the prank, even adding quotes around it to standardise the format. And so it has sat there unchanged for 11 years, spreading through the fan community as the accepted war cry of the Chapter!

I may try to do something about this. Or I may not. All in all I suppose we should just be glad that the Genesis Chapter don’t charge into battle yelling “Billy don’t you lose my number!”

Hello Zero

As is my way, I have once again become utterly captivated by a song. This time around it’s Zero by New Zealand’s own Alastair Riddell.

Now, some may say I’m late to the party, the song in question having been released 41 years ago, but I prefer to think of myself as making a deliberately delayed dramatic entrance. In any case I can hardly be blamed for not knowing a song that was only released in a foreign country and which (completely unfairly by the way) utterly failed to make an impact there. In any case it’s making an impact now, on me, and that’s what matters.

It is also my way to – when captured by a song – want to know the words so I can sing along and possibly even dance in an extremely undignified manner. These days this is pretty easy, as the lyrics to every song you could ever want are freely available online. Except it seems those of Zero. In digital terms the song barely seems to exist. This could not be allowed to stand, so I have done my best to transcribe it myself and present it here for the education and edification of the world.

Zero – Alastair Riddell

Zero has a way, she’s often bad,
Plays round, I’m always sad,
She knows what to do,
She’s a royal pilot too, oh,

She stares into my eyes,
Should see her lover’s eyes,
She’s a light above,
A light to guide,
A light,
What she knows,

Commander Zero,
Hello Zero,
I want you Zero tonight,
Won’t you come in on my airwaves?
Commander Zero,
Hello Zero,
A special feeling today,
Well you ought to see the sparkle in her eyes,

Last night I dated Zero,
I wanted her to see,
That as no one else will do,
The one she needs is me,

She laughed and shook her head,
So foolish and serene,
She looked so beautiful,
Her flight suit was in green,

Commander Zero,
Hello Zero,
I want you Zero tonight,
Won’t you come in on my airwaves?
Commander Zero,
Hello Zero,
A special feeling today,
Well you ought to see the sparkle in her eyes,

Zero,
Zero,
No one knows like Zero,
She’s got the world in her hands,
Zero,
What am I going to do?
(What am I going to do?)

Commander Zero,
Hello Zero,
I want you Zero tonight,
Won’t you come in on my airwaves?
Commander Zero,
Hello Zero,
A special feeling today,
With your,
Strange hair and,
Strange eyes and,
That’s why I love you,

Oh-oh-oh-oh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,

Zero!

Oh-oh-oh-oh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,

Zero!

Oh-oh-oh-oh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,

Zero!

Oh-oh-oh-oh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh,
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh,

A Baneblade on the Roof

His name is Mal-Mal-Malcador!
The greatest Sigillite!
No treasure too old, no psyker too bold,
Who’s that!? Malcador the Sigillite!

Well hello there! I’m Malcador, the last surviving member of the Ancient Order of the Sigillites. My friends call me ‘Mal’ but you can call me First Lord of Terra and second in command of the Imperium of Man. I make sure the Emperor’s will is done – when the big E says ‘jump’ we don’t even bother asking how high! (If we get it wrong he’ll let us know!) But it’s not all work, work, work in the Emperor’s service, no siree! We know how to have a good time too – isn’t that right Horus?

Mal… M-Mal… al…

Oh don’t mind him! He’s just trying to pronounce the name of one of the Lost Primarchs. Keep at it Horus, you’ll get it one day! Yes, we inhabitants of the Imperial Palace work hard, but we also play hard! As my good friend Constatin Valdor will agree! Get over here Constantin!…

Another Year Over

Well, the hell-year of 2021 is over and done with and we can celebrate the start of hell-year 2022. Boo! Hooray! Boo! Hooray! Call me when you’re finished.

I did have big plans to get up super early this morning, get an Uber to the Camfield and enjoy the year’s first sunrise while walking along the river to Mends Street Jetty. But when it got to 1:00am and I still hadn’t fallen asleep I decided “screw it” and turned off my alarm. I’d rather start the year at least somewhat rested rather than try to get by on only three hours, no matter how good it might be get some healthy exercise and set an example to live up to for the next twelve months.

One thing I have done today is get my votes in for the Hottest 100. Rather embarrassingly it turns out that one of my favorite tracks of the year, MØ’s Nights With You, wasn’t in fact a track of the year at all. being released all the way back in 2017, so Cloudy Day by Tones and I got promoted up to my number 10 instead of 11. I also voted for Montaigne’s MBMBaM theme song My Life is Better With You which isn’t on the official list, BUT I DON’T CARE! My track of the year is Ziggy Ramo’s Little Things, and if that makes anyone uncomfortable then (to quote Phil Jupitus) Well fucking good!

Anyway, here’s the full list, alphabetically by artist…

	Ashe – I’m Fine
	Carla Wehbe – Hurts to Love You
	King Princess – House Burn Down
	Montaigne – My Life is Better With You
	Peach PRC – Josh
	Ruby Fields – Bruises
	Telenova – Bones
	Tones and I – Cloudy Day
	Wolf Alice – Smile
	Ziggy Ramo – Little Things (ft. Paul Kelly)

So, on to calendar reform.

(What? You don’t consider how stupid our calendar is on January 1st each year? What’s wrong with you?)

It is a truth universally acknowledged by all right thinking people that the Gregorian Calendar is a hodge-podge of terrible ideas smothered in a layer of well meaning but equally as bad hacks intended to force it into some semblance of functionality. The majority of the problems stem from the irrational belief of the Ancients that the universe is (or should be) some kind of clockwork mechanism where the movements of the celestial bodies all mesh together into a grand yet simple pattern – as opposed to the reality that they’re big lumps of rock and gas that whiz around doing their own thing with no obligation to match the neat mathematical models we humans prefer.

As such, the period of rotation of our planet (a day) does not fit evenly into the rotation of our moon around our planet (a month) and neither the day nor month fit evenly into the rotation of our planet around the sun (a year). Building a calendar on the assumption that they do causes horrible problems and results in said calendar drifting away from reality until people are planting their crops in the middle of winter and starving to death.

(We correct for this kind of thing with tricks like leap days, which is where we save up all the left over bits of days at the end of a solar orbit and then shove them back into the calendar once they add up to a full day. This is actually a pretty good solution, although sticking them at the end of the second month is the kind of thing only a lunatic would consider sensible.)

The mismatch between the solar year (365.2425 days) and lunar month (29.53 days) is responsible for the horrible mess of our calendar months. Four of them are 30 days long, seven of them are 31 days and one is 28 days (or 29 when we need to shove in one of those leap days). This is stupid.

And to add to these problems we went and invented the week – a period of seven days that doesn’t match up with the month or the year. The result is sheer insanity, requiring complex calculations to figure out what day of the week a given date falls on, and making vast sums of money for the calendar printing industry.

Enough! I cry! A new calendar is desperately needed, and I – in my supreme intelligence (not to say arrogance) – am the one to create it!

As such I am pleased to here present the Wyrmworld Calendar!

The Wyrmworld Calendar (WYC) consists of 13 months – the twelve we currently use plus Hektober – each of exactly four weeks long (28 days). The first day of each month – and the first day of each year is a Monday, so you never need to buy a new calendar.

This comes to 364 days, which leaves 1.2425 days over a year. The one full day is Yearsend – a special day inserted between Sunday Hektober 28th and Monday January 1st that isn’t part of any month and doesn’t have a day of the week. The remaining 0.2425 days are saved up as per the current leap year system, and when a leap day is required it’s added as Leapday between Yearsend and January 1st.

So, that takes care of the years, days and weeks, but how do the 13 months of the Wyrmworld Calendar line up with the moon? Well, they don’t. The moon makes everything way too complicated and can go frunk itself. We are human beings, not fish!

The Battle of Thermopylae was (2022+480)-1 years ago!

With the cycle of days figured out we now need to set an epoch. The Gregorian Calendar Epoch – BC/AD or BCE/CE – is just terrible, You have to count backwards for anything interesting in ancient history and then you have to account for there being no year 0. How old would Cato the Elder be if he were still alive today? He was born in 234 BCE so we need to take the current year of 2022 and add 234 and then take away 1, so he’d be 2,255. What year would he have had his 724th birthday? So we take 234 away from 724, but then we need to add 1, so 491 CE? THIS IS CONFUSING!

The sensible answer is to push the epoch back beyond recorded history so all the numbers that matter are in the positive. Cesare Emiliani’s Holocene Calendar does this with the neat trick of setting the epoch to 10,001 BCE, meaning we just add 10,000 to the current CE/AD year. The Wyrmworld Calendar is not afraid to steal good ideas, so we will do the same! So the current year is 12,022 WYC and Cato the Elder was born in 9,767 WYC. Easy!

(The battle of Thermopylae was 9,521 WYC in case you were wondering…)

Finally, exactly when is the new year? We currently celebrate new year at an arbitrary point in the Earth’s orbit and this offends me. The new year should be tied to something meaningful. The logical choice is a solstice or equinox. To minimise confusion we’ll use the (Gregorian) December solstice, and for reasons of convenience reference the Gregorian 2021 solstice of December 21st. The solstice shall mark the last day of the year, with the next day January (WYC) 1st.

So, adding it all together today is Thursday January 11th 12,022 WYC. I expect the world to start using this far superior calendar immediately!

(Happy new year!)

Adeptus Mechanicus Tech Support

*“Your workstation is not equipped with a caffeine holder!”*

“Sir, I need you to turn the cogitator off, recite the Third Canticle of the Omnissiah, then it on again.”

“Yes, I know you’ve already done that, but please, humour me and do it again.”

“Are you sure you’re turning off the cogitator and not just the holo-projector, the cogitator should take at least a minute to…”

“Sir, if you continue to use that kind of language I’ll end this call and inform the Inquisition.”

“Thank you. Alright, the cogitator is the large, glowing cylinder covered in purity seals beneath your desk. You should be able to see a brain suspended in the fluid.”

“No… the brain definitely should not have ‘mushrooms’ growing out of it. Are the purity seals intact?”

“Why in the name of the God Emperor did you remove the purity seals?!”

“Sir, that noo-mail was a hacking attempt from the Dark Mechanicum! Didn’t you read the security bulletin!?”

“Alright sir, disconnect the cogitator from the power feed and wait by your workstation. An Ordo Malleus support team will be with you shortly…”

*Your friendly neighbourhood Ordo Malleus Support Tech*

Year’s End Wrap-Up

What foods are surprisingly healthy?
The flesh of the giant aquatic Brazilian centipede

What is the fear of the common folk?
The Wolf, the Devil and the Northman

What are your thoughts on Kangaroos?
Tasty if properly prepared

Do people really leave shoes on inside private homes? If so, why?
Well, you see the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

How is Pete Davidson even remotely funny, entertaining or famous?
How dare you criticise the fifth Doctor that way!

If you were Santa, what would you have named your reindeer?
Slayer
Pantera
Megadeth
Metallica
Black Sabbath
Dio
Judas Priest
Enya

What is the sexiest sport and why?
Brockian Ultra-Cricket. If it’s not sexy as hell why do they build those giant walls around the stadiums to stop us from watching?

What are polite ways of insulting someone without using curse words?
“You, sir, are a pathetic excuse for a hotel manager!”

What is the best thing to have ever happened in the world?
Fabio getting hit in the face with a goose on a roller coaster.

What do you call a corporate mascot that betrays it’s own fate (e.g. a happy pig advertising a BBQ)?
A class traitor!

What never fails to make your blood boil?
Temperatures in excess of 100 C

Who wants to play fort?
Me! Strange objects fall from the sky because they’re stored in an anti-gravity zone I call the Super Sargasso Sea and furthermore…
Oh, sorry. Wrong kind of Fort.

If you had adequate financial resources, how many kids would you like to have?
If I had the financial resources to have a kid, I’d get a fish instead. They’re a lot less work.

Which actor is perfect for a role like Batman?
Gilbert Gottfried. “I am the NIIIIIGHT!!!“

What is most annoying thing or concept of 2021?
I would like to monetize your question as an NFT

According to the simp ideology, what exactly makes a female immune to being wrong about anything?
Now listen. No one will ever take you seriously if you use terms like ‘simp’

What’s your trick to get laid?
I sit back and wait for the ladies to come to me! It’s gonna work any year now!

Where did we come from? Who created the creator(s)?
I dunno. The Coast Guard?

What is your favorite time zone?
Old fashioned Saudi Arabian solar time! Reset your clock to midnight at sunset every day and screw the consequences!

Ex nihilo nihil fit
Parmenides, stop telling the universe what to do!

Who killed JFK?
JFK killed JFK. There was time travel, a robot, and a humanoid creature evolved from a house cat involved. It was complicated.

What is the squirrel in your pants doing?
That’s the squirrel’s business, not mine.

What is an omega male?
Something made up by people who inexplicably believe that a fatally flawed description of wolf behaviour applies to human beings.

What happens in the mens’ bathroom? Anything particularly special?
In the mens’ bathroom…

What would be a good name for the prank where a bunch of teenagers sneak up to drive through window and spray a bunch of bear mace inside and run off laughing while one of their friends records from inside for social media?
Conspiracy to commit Criminal Assault

Who should be the next James Bond?
Gilbert Gottfried “Shaken not STIRRRRED!!!“

What screams upstairs all night?
Nothing. Did you forget to take your medication again?

What is the biggest red flag you’ve seen on a first date?
Well there was that time I met up with a girl at an exhibit on the Soviet Union…

Which way do you turn a doorknob?
One way, and then if that doesn’t work, the other way.

Where is your Elf on the Shelf currently?
Burning in Hell along with all the other surveillance state snitches.

What are your predictions for 2022?
The sky will crack open and Liberace – 40 feet tall and luminous – will descend on a silver staircase and play the greatest hits of Macklemore on a steam calliope the size of the Queen Mary.

What do you think of waffle cones?
I think it’s good that they figured out how to make artificial ones so they didn’t have to keep harvesting them from quornimals.

Why do you hate Caillou so much?
God hates him enough to give him cancer. Who am I to argue?

Do you think your country would be a better place if your representatives could have fist fights?
It worked for Taiwan!

What are your views on “Climate Change”?
Can you have a ‘view’ on established fact?

If you could eat anything in the world right now, what would you eat?
The heart of a king!

What are some ways we can prevent white genocide?
You can start by getting off Telegram and joining the real world.

How are Elon Musk and Tony Stark different?
I’m not aware of Tony Stark ever calling someone who contradicts him a pedophile.

What’s the biggest mistake rookies make during their first astral projection?
Talking to the machine elves.

A child asks you where babies come from. What is your response?
Ask your mother

What is your stance on making the bed when you get up?
All that does is create a haven for dustmites!

What do you think about the US Democratic Party?
The lesser of two evils

What is a song that is so funky it makes you say “Dayam that’s funky!”?
Sounds like you’re hankerin’ for some Lakeside!

What are your favourite things about living alone?
I can walk around the house nekked!

Why aren’t you following your dreams?
I’m waiting for Tyler Durden to appear out of the night and threaten to shoot me if I don’t.

Michael Myers is after you but you can’t go to the police or the hospital. Where would you run?
Dr Suess’s house. After The Cat in the Hat they set up 24 hour armed security to stop him getting in and making any more movie adaptions.

What thing is not worth paying attention to?
The Manosphere

What are more complicated versions of the trolley problem?
Replace the people on the tracks and in the trolley with simultaneously alive and dead cats sealed in boxes.

Who do you think will be the new Prime Minister of Canada in 2023 if Justin Trudeau steps down?
Yukon Cornelius

What celebrity screams future murderer?
Frankie Muniz. “Memory issues” huh? Very convenient…

What would you do if your neighbour asked to lick your feet?
Call the police.

Realistically, what do you think a Necrocratic government would be like?
Bulk ouija board requisitions for the Civil Service.

You have the chance to change one animals name, which animal? what would you change it to?
Hedgehogs will henceforth be named “Spike Chil’en”.

What are your thoughts on all the genders out there?
Gender is made up, so why not custom-craft your own?

What crime is always ok to commit?
Punching Nazis

What are your hangover cures?
You can never be hungover if you’re never sober!

Whats the most rebellions thing yoh did as a kid?
Who is Yoh and why do you assume that I know anything about their childhood?

What TV show has been almost totally forgotten?
Mina Guldskor, a short lived Swedish adaption of The Greatest American Hero that ran for half a season in 1984. Its theme song did go on to win Eurovision though, which is something at least.

What is your opinion on the white lighter celebrity conspiracy?
There’s only one White Lighter and that’s Brian Krause!

How do you confess to a girl that you like her?
I leave a brief and ambiguous note then retire to a reinforced concrete bunker 500 feet underground in a neighboring country where I curl up into a fetal ball and rock back and forth in a corner while hyperventilating for at least four months.

What are the benefits of having one arm?
Automatic pre-selection for when the drummer from Def Leppard retires.

How do you kill a tree so it looks like nature did it?
Call up the local cops and tell them about your plans. They’ll be able to provide all kinds of useful advice!

What’s a random fact you’re just waiting to bust out?
David Farrant and Sean Manchester are the only two people officially declared to be “1970s weirdos” by the British Office of Communications.

You can make any Avenger pregnant to add drama to any of the MCU films. Which Avenger is it and in what movie?
One of Bruce Banner’s experiments goes seriously wrong in 2023’s The Fertilizable Hulk

Skeptics, how do you explain (reputable) psychics and mediums?
Find one that’s actually reputable and we can talk.

What do you need to get off your chest?
The withered, pale, monkey-like thing that squats there all night while I’m trying to sleep.

What is the origin of milk?
Milk is produced by wasps repeatedly chewing up then regurgitating wood.

How did you get over the perfect match?
I never have. Why can’t more gameshows feature wise-cracking robots?

What do you call a male lady bug?
Gary

How much attention do you pay to the cycles of the Moon when planning your week ahead?
The moon? I ain’t no salmon!

What idea of Europe do you have?
A bunch of tiny countries, all wedged together, trying to do their best.

You discover the gate to Hell, what do you do?
Charge admission!

What country do you think is making content of worse quality as companies try to appeal to them?
If the big media companies don’t stop pandering to San Marino, I swear to god…

What goes through your mind when you hear someone say the word “cuck” as an insult?
I write them off my list of people to take in any way seriously.

Screw zodiac signs! What’s your starting pokémon?
Pokemon world is the world of the demonic!

If you could telepathically broadcast a message to the whole world at once, what would you broadcast?
Och… kill… Dagless… mon

What will trigger the Apocalypse?
Some Trumpist will do it to own the Libs.

What do you think King Alfred the Great would think of the United Kingdom today?
He’d be pleased to see how big it was, but pissed off that the royal family is French.

What’s the most wholesome conspiracy theory?
Dogs are benevolent interdimensional entities sent to guide us from the Element-12 timeline. Their innate wisdom has been lost by selective breeding but can be re-awakened by breeding enough mutts.

What are your thoughts on Michael Jackson appearing naked in your bed at night?
Is that the kind of thing that happens to you regularly? You might want to change rooms or something.

What do you think about the proposal to allow marriage with plants?
Who the hell let Poison Ivy into Congress?!

What’s something the elite doesn’t want us to know?
The average car will run on consommé, but you have to be careful about getting parsley stuck in the carburetor.

Given how every AI experiment in public becomes a Nazi or hates people where do you see this tech going?
Using the internet to educate an AI is no different to using the internet to educate a human kid. If you don’t supervise it and give it context for what it’s seeing you end up with Logan Paul.

What is the name of the symbol on book cover of Irresistible forces by Danielle Steel?
It’s the sigil ‘odegra’ from the language of the Black Priesthood of Ancient Mu and means “Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds”

What is so bad about kpop?
Nothing. It’s just that it’s new, and it’s popular with kids. Therefore everyone who isn’t a kid any more hates it on principle.

What are your personal four food groups?
Cheese, Chocolate, Bread, Cardiac Medication

In the USA, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the 4th Thursday of November no matter how close it falls to the end of the month. What would be a better way to determine when to have Thanksgiving?
Surely there’s some kind of rodent that can be used to determine the appropriate time?

What’s the best thing to get at McDonald’s?
Out.

What says “Welcome to West Virginia” more than anything?
The Huntington Tarantula Parade!

What is the final concentration of ampicillin in the plates containing selective media – given that the volume of LB in the plate is 25 mL, the stock concentration of ampicillin is 100 mg/mL and you add 25 ul of this to each plate?
Pepsi?

What’s the most absurd hospital bill you’ve ever received?
Bill? I live in a country with a real health care system.

How are Cheese-Itz so good?
They’re manufactured from skin scrapings harvested from an alien being captured by John Harvey Kellogg in 1871. The already mentally unstable Kellogg was badly affected by the exotic radiation emitted by the creature, leading him to conclude that it was an angel and that consuming its flesh could cure ‘the vile sickness of onanism’. While most of Kellogg’s original alien-based recipes are no longer followed, “Angel-Scrapin’s” were added to Cheez-Its after the brand was acquired by the Kellogg Company in 2001, causing a boom in sales due to their highly addictive nature. The ‘angel’ has kept in a secure facility – designed by Enrico Fermi – beneath Kellogg’s Battle Creek headquarters since 1947.

Which Generation became confused about Genders?
Whichever decided each person only has one, and that there’s only two options for it.

Why are comdoms flavoured?
They were originally developed as an emergency food source for the military.

What’s the dumbest way you could spend 1 million dollars?
Penny whistles and moon pies.

Which is QAnon’s most ridiculous belief?
That Donald Trump gives a shit about their welfare.

Should we be allowed to wear pajama pants at school?
No! If we don’t have standards we will devolve into beasts!!

People who say stuff like “out of sight, out of mind”… when will you get with the times?
But I gotta keep my body tight!

God gives you one power, what is it?
The power of… *consults Catholic Catechism* free will?! What a rip off!

What is something that doesn’t belong on earth and it feels too weird?
Deep sea spider crabs. Those things just ain’t right!

People who work or once worked at Disneyland, what is the creepiest thing you have seen there?
At night they let the real Mickey out. There’s a reason the park has a system of fortified tunnels.

What is the most disrespectful thing a wedding guest did that they mistakenly thought went unnoticed?
I invited this one guy to my wedding and he spent the entire thing outside talking to this crazy old sailor!

Music Music Music Music Music (The last ‘Music’ is a Misprint)

I haven’t yet decided what I’m going to vote for in the Hottest 100 this year, but I have a list of candidate tracks and have thus decided to force them upon everyone while I make up my mind. So here, in no particular order, I present the UNQUESTIONABLY (by which I mean ‘extremely questionably’) best songs of 2021!

Let’s go dreaming of blue skies in California with BONES – TELENOVA

A bit of 90s post-grunge indie feel with SMILE – WOLF ALICE

The new theme for MBMBaM by one of Australia’s own. MY LIFE IS BETTER WITH YOU – MONTAIGNE

Some laid back, Beatlesque vibes with I’M FINE – ASHE

This is just straight-up good music. HOUSE BURN DOWN – KING PRINCESS

Always was, always will be. Sovereignty was never ceded. LITTLE THINGS – ZIGGY RAMO (feat. PAUL KELLY)

The kind of party track we could all use a bit of after this year. CLOUDY DAY – TONES AND I

We went to California earlier, now let’s hop across to COLORADO – MILKY CHANCE

When that base kicks in… LIVE TO SURVIVE – MØ

One of our best musical story tellers. BRUISES – RUBY FIELDS

The man deserves a good amount of the criticism he gets, but remember that he’s mentally ill, AND that he can still put out an amazing bit of music now and then. JAIL – KANYE WEST

So rude!! But it’s catchy as hell and that’s what matters. WET DREAM – WET LEG

Well it sure sucks to be you JOSH – PEACH PRC

A real soulful one here. NIGHTS WITH YOU – MØ

Another very catchy track. HURTS TO LOVE YOU – CARLA WEHBE

OK, now I’m off to buy some last minute supplies, fully masked as the virus has got into the state just in time for Christmas. Watch out! COVID’s about! But before that – given what day it is – I must follow my yearly tradition, even though it has nothing to do with the Hottest 100.

Happy Christmas Eve ya filthy animals!

Is this why the normal people drink?

For probably the last 25 years a fragment of music and a snatch of lyrics have been haunting the back of my brain.

It’s an energetic piece. The vocalist sings words along the lines of You can roo-ooo-ooo-oam in your own way with a four note descending scale on “roam”. Then there’s a rather 80s style guitar riff, and the lyrics repeat – You can roo-ooo-ooo-oam in your own way…

Emperor Charles V of Spain in case you were wondering

Now in those long ago days before YouTube and Google it was actually really hard to identify a song. If you wanted to look anything up you needed to go down to the local library and search through books, and while it was trivial to find information on, let’s say, Emperor Charles V of Spain, there were very few, if any, books cataloguing song lyrics. And if you did manage to find a book of song lyrics, how could you search it for a random snatch of words from the middle of a song? There simply wasn’t a way to do it.

So my only option was to rack my brain, hoping that some random neurons would connect in the right pattern to throw up some more details. And occasionally, over the years, they did. For instance, I was quite certain for a while that the song had to be “Roam” by the B-52s. I mean, the word ‘roam’ is right there! Careful listening to the radio and the eventual coming of digital music meaning the radio no longer had to be relied on however eventually showed that my random neurons were wrong, with the mysterious phrase appearing nowhere in the work – for all that I could hear Kate Pierson belting it out in my head.

With that possibility eliminated my brain went back to brooding and eventually suggested Transvision Vamp, who I had – frankly – completely forgotten even existed. Checking out their their discography led me to Baby, I Don’t Care.

Which was a slightly better fit – the backing vocals in the chorus actually sounded kind of right – but the bit I remembered still wasn’t there!

So I abandoned the quest. I decided that my brain had smashed together elements from the B-52s, Transvision Vamp and lord knows what else to create an entirely fictional fragment of music that never existed in the first place.

Oddly enough I’d been in this situation before with another fragment of music hiding out in the back of my brain. For years I was haunted by a small piece of violin that I was certain came at the start of a song, and spent just as many futile hours trying to figure out where it originated. I eventually concluded that it was a distorted memory of the start of David Bowie’s Sorrow and remained convinced of this until one wonderful morning when I heard it playing over the radio in the bakery opposite Bayswater railway station like some glorious beam of sunshine bursting into the greyness of the day.

I could only make out fragments of it – not enough to identify the song. But I heard enough fragments to know that there was only one band in history who could pull off such a combination of orchestra, synths, electric guitar and overlayed vocal harmonies, and later that day a search through the works of ELO revealed that the song that had been haunting me for decades was Sweet Talkin’ Woman.

So, imagine my shock and delight when on Sunday, doing my weekly grocery shopping in the Morley branch of a major supermarket chain, I heard the snatch of music that had eluded me for so long!

Yes they ri-ii-ii-ise in their own way! Yes they ri-ii-ii-ise in their own way!

It was history repeating! Another musical memory I’d decided was false unexpectedly revealed as genuine in a place of business! I found my way to one of the ceiling speakers and stood beneath it, memorising as much of the lyrics as I could make out over the hustle and bustle of the supermarket.

As soon as I got home I leapt onto the internet and started frantically typing in lyrics. In no time at all I had it pinned down and discovered that the song that had been haunting me for a quarter of a century was…

…by Daryl f’ing Braithwaite.

It’s Rise – the title track from Braithwaite’s 1990 album.

I was, and remain, not happy. And what’s even more embarrassing than being haunted for decades by the lead singer of Sherbet is that on hearing it I instantly remembered about 90% of the lyrics.

I’m honestly starting to suspect that the reason the normal people fry the memory centres of their brains with alcohol is specifically to avoid this sort of thing.

A Meal with God

A dozen turkeys,
Fresh orange peel and some veal,
Well kneaded dough and a dozen turkeys,
Do you want to hear about the meal I’m making?

You,
It’s you and me,

And if I only could,
I’d make a meal with God,
And I’d get him to set our places,
Be chopping up that cod,
Be chopping up that dill,
With no problems,

Come on, baby, come on, darling,
Let me seal this doughnut with you now,

Come on, angel, come on, come on, darling,
Let’s exchange the ingredients…

All the Knowledge of the Ages

What does sacrifice means to you?
Disaster for Samoa Joe

What is your ideal breakfast?
A dead bat in a tumbler of fresh squeezed orange juice.

What are some technological advances you are excited to see within the next 10-20 years?
The conversion of the poor into a cheap form of fuel (c’mon, We all know Bezos is working on it!)

Where is the best country you have visited?
The hour I spent at Charles de Gaul international airport was quite pleasant.

What is something you know that the government is hiding from us?
Dogs are benevolent interdimensional beings from the Element 12 timeline who came to Earth to guide us, but we ruined them with selective breeding.

You are allowed to commit ONE crime. No charges, no consequences and no one remembers. What do you do?
I wouldn’t actually commit any crime, but I’d make sure everyone knew I could commit a terrible crime at any second and get away with it.

What would be the best Game of Thrones spin-off?
Varys Eunuch’s Day Off!

If you could have any superpower what would it be?
19th Century Britain.

People who don’t like FRIENDS, why?
They drop all those hints that Ross is a serial killer then never resolve them!

Did you know that twerking is a sacred empowerment practice that helps to clear stagnant energy in our bodies?
I’m gonna need you to put down the bong and go to bed.

What can make anyone look cool?
Corpse paint and dark glasses.

How can people enjoy gardening?
Well you see, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.

What are weird laws in the place you live?
It’s apparently illegal around here to go into people’s houses and take their stuff?! Like stealing is a crime or something?!

What’s your dirty little secret?
BOSCO!

You have the opportunity to have dinner with one person or being, real or fake. Who do you choose?
Andre.

You’re thrown into a pit with a giant snake but instead of attacking you it says “May I interest you in this tasty apple?”. What now?
I’d ask if it’s just an apple, or if there’s some kind of unnecessary metaphysical/mythic nonsense attached.

There’s no hint that the forbidden fruit was an apple…
But there’s no hint that it wasn’t. One should be suspicious of snakes offering any kind of fruit.

Or you could just dismiss bronze age mythology as just that!
Well I would, except I’ve just met a talking snake, which suggests that bronze age mythology may be more fact based than we previously assumed.

How are you preparing for the Climate Wars?
Eating crap and not exercising. I figure I’ll die before they become really serious.

When will other beings of the universe contact us?
When we apologise for broadcasting “Big Bang Theory” out into space with no warning attached.

What moment in a movie completely sums up how bad it is?
The bit in Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief that explains that the bad guys couldn’t find Percy because of his stepdad’s smell.

What’s one moment from a children’s TV show that has always stayed with you?
When the Night Garden got invaded and Igglepiggle was executed for being out after curfew.

You’ve got 10 seconds to say anything to the entire world population, what would it be?
“YOLO 840 research flat moon!”

Who is currently the majority whip?
Mad Joe Whippington, Five Time Winner of the Whippiest Whip contest at the Whip County Annual Fair.

What did you expect?
For the Representative skeleton to lodge an objection.

How good are you at the Spanish language?
Uh… Cilantro es el hombre con el quesa del Diablo?

What celebrity do you think smells really bad?
Does Pete Doherty still count as a celebrity?

What is considered safe but is actually very risky?
Scat singing. One of these days a Scatman is going to stumble upon the forbidden syllables that will end the world.

What gets billed as being relaxing but has the opposite effect on you?
Erik Satie’s Gymnopédie Number 1 makes me feel like someone is about to jump out of the shadows and kill me.

If you could order a scaled down pet sized dinosaurs, what breed would you like to buy and what are you going to name it?
An ankylosaur and I’d name him Abrams after the tank!

What would be on your rider list?
Ghost Rider, Knight Rider, Doomrider, Ghost Riders in the Sky, H. Rider Haggard and Die Apokalyptischen Reiter.

People who take blue colored pills, what’s it like not being aware of the Matrix?
It’s great! I no longer grind my teeth at night!

What do you believe your fate will be at today’s judgement?
I fully expect to be assigned for Testing To Destruction. It’s OK, I’ve lived a good life.

What is the fastest way for a 14 year old to double $5000 legally?
I want to say one word to you. Just one word. Are you listening? Plastics

What is your favourite TMNT?
The fifth turtle, Bosch. He didn’t feature in the series much because he had a wicked LSD habit.

What song would be good to sing slow and menacingly while cleaning, loading, and cocking a shotgun?
I like Aeroplane Jelly… Aeroplane Jelly for me…

What comes after snap crackle pop?
Cleaning up the bodies

What is your favorite assault rifle of all time?
The Xuanlong

Alumni and faculty of prestigious schools, what are some dirty secrets of these elite institutions that us plebs might not know about?
The people who live in the steam tunnels. Well, I say ‘people’…

How would you react if a another student’s head randomly exploded in your classroom?
I’d turn to the rest of the class and coldly say “And that’s what happens to those who challenge me”

What is the stupidest theory you know?
Horse paste will protect you from the deadly virus which is no worse than the flu and doesn’t actually exist because it’s a hoax.

What is something a teacher did that made you lose respect for them?
Claim that the fact that ice floats proves the existence of God.

Which is the most anticipated movie of 2021?
Lindsey And Leon Go To A Roller Disco

What are the powers (mentioned in the 10th amendment) granted to the people?
Flight, telepathy, teleportation, heat vision and the right to keep and arm bears

There will be a demonic scream in the sky tomorrow at 13:47. What’s your response?
Eh! Just another day in Dunwich!

What happens when we construct one building for the whole of Earth’s population to live in?
Do you want Necromunda? Because this is how we get Necromunda.

What is the best way to describes someone that attracted to a girl but also attract with a man but not that much?
A human being

What things were men from 100 years ago better at than men from this current time period?
Whipping a disrespectful cad with one’s cane!

You are now the messiah, what is your message to the world?
“Just stop it! You’re ruining it for everyone!“

What is Reddit and what are some of its unwritten rules?
A) A small town in eastern Romania.
B) Do not feed pierogis to the Mayor’s goats.

Why you are so stiff?
When 900 years old you reach, be as flexible you will not.

Which is the best anime?
Poku-Poku Corgi Explosion

Why, just why why why?
I don’t know man, I didn’t do it

What are some things you realized when you matured?
If I don’t like a song it doesn’t mean that it’s shit. It just means it doesn’t appeal to me.

What is the most difficult thing to throw out in your home?
This stupid statue that was here when I moved in. It’s made of some weird black-green stone and it looks kind of like a guy with an octopus for a head. Every time I throw it in the trash it just turns up on the shelf again! Crazy!

People who don’t drink coffee in the morning, how do you wake up?
Coke No Sugar is my chemical bilge-water of choice!

What’s the worst physical, non-painful feeling ever?
Some weird sensory cross-talk in my nervous system means that the taste of caraway seeds makes me feel like my skin is trying to slip off and crawl away.

What is your favourite song by a one-hit wonder that isn’t the one hit?
I Got the Message by Men Without Hats is a jam.

What is the most criminally underrated movie?
The Frighteners. Peter Jackson, Michael J. Fox and R. Lee Ermey

Any decoration ideas for a small bedroom for two teenage girls who hate pink?
Vantablack

What animal do you think you should be exterminated off the face of the earth?
The Sunda Stink Badger

Why?
We don’t need no stinking badgers!

If humans farted on each other to assert dominance, what would society be like?
The living would envy the dead.

What would you do in order to be remembered for the rest of history?
Burn down some great public building!

If you could add one amendment to the US constitution what would it be and why?
“A series of poorly regulated ursine atrocities being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and arm Bears shall not be infringed.”

What if the placebo effect isn’t the effect of evolution, but the cause?
That doesn’t even begin to make sense.

What is the sexiest language?
German! RAUS AUS MEINER VERDAMMTEN KNEIPE, DU DRECKIGES, STINKENDES STÜCK WALROSSSCHEIẞE!!! So sensual!

How did the first humans find out about sex?
When the Ice Age came everyone huddled together for warmth and one thing led to another.

If you had to eat a common household pet, which species would you eat?
A guinea pig. They do it all the time in Peru!

Where to buy smartphone screens in Switzerland?
Around the back of Basel Cathedral between 1:00 and 3:00am Sunday mornings. Stand under the elephant and ask for ‘Paulo’.

What would life be like if we lived in a joke?
Ministers of religion would spend most of their time walking in and out of bars.

What new nations/empires will rise and take over from the current ones?
The Great Aspergic Empire – in which neurotypicals will be sterilised and banished to labour farms in Antarctica – is due to take control of South America in 2463. Make a note in your calendars!

What’s the average penis size of Americans?
24 inches – note however this figure fails to exclude statistical outlier Penises Georg who lives in a cave and has a 14.4 mile long penis.

If you could partition any one country, which one, and what are the two countries now?
I’d split North Macedonia into South North Macedonia and North Macedonia²

Who is worthy of wielding Thor’s hammer?
Mr Rogers

What is the negative side of being good to everyone?
Ayn Rand’s tobacco scented ghost follows you around muttering about societal parasites.

What do you miss the most from the 90s?
Not thinking that terrorism was a problem.

What’s one animal you’d give the ability to speak?
Pigeons, but they’d just recite Finnegan’s Wake at low volume 24 hours a day.

What was that one time you summoned The Slender Man like?
It was cool. We had a few beers and discussed kids these days.

What are you searching for?
A heart of gold. I’m getting old though.

What is one thing you wish never existed?
Zinc!

But Zinc is used in many important things!
Come back Zinc! Come back Zinc!

We get a movie about a President’s term in office a few decades afterwards, so who will play Donald Trump?
I’m sure Weta Workshops will be able to CGI something appropriate on top of Andy Serkus.

What do you think about the US becoming a Latin country?
If that means togas, I’m in!

If you were Jeff Bezos what would you be doing tomorrow?
Starting a research program into surgically implanted urinary catheters that could be hooked up to a central wastewater hub so I don’t have to pay for all those lazy Amazon warehouse staff taking pee breaks.

People who browse the Dark/Deep web regularly, What is the most disturbing thing you have seen there?
There are these things called “Pink Rooms” which is where they have a webcam in a room somewhere and the room is full of hedgehogs and you can pay bitcoins to have people come in and feed and play with the hedgehogs. It’s chilling!

What is the meaning of life?
A 1983 movie by Monty Python. Not their best work, but the accompanying The Crimson Permanent Assurance short is a work of genius.

If you had to live the rest of your life as a werewolf what would you do?
Dance!

How do you get rid of a blocked nose?
With an angle grinder

What are some benefits of wearing a mask besides reducing the spread of the plague?
You can sing King George’s song from Hamilton at the bus stop and no one in the passing cars will be able to tell.

British and American people, do you feel any responsibility for what your country has done to Afghanistan?
Don’t forget the Australians!

Which serial killers suffered from mental illness?
Richard Chase thought Nazis were drying up his blood by putting poison in his soap dish and killed a bunch of people to drink their blood as a replacement, so I think he probably qualifies.

If you could bring one person back to life, who would it be?
The person who first figured out how to smelt metal. I’d take them to Shibuya Crossing in Tokyo and say “See what you did!?”

Considering China is being such a jerk to everyone, why doesn’t the rest of the world recognise Taiwan?
Do you want World War III? Because that’s how you get World War III.

Why do Irish people hate England?
About a thousand years of oppression and attempted genocide?

How would one find out the volume of an arctic fox?
It’s generally printed on the spine for easy selection when shelved.

If god gave you the power to change one thing in the world no matter how ridiculous it is, what would it be?
All cows would turn pink, give strawberry flavoured milk, and have my signature on their sides.

How do you survive a polar bear attack?
If you get to the point where the bear is actually attacking you, then you don’t.

What is one good thing about Mississippi?
It makes Alabama seem a bit less crap.

Your little oddities, what are they?
I will ask you not to refer to my children that way!

Who do you think Jack the Ripper was?
It’s well known that he was an insectoid alien seeking parts to repair the biological systems of his spacecraft. The stuff about “the Juwes” not “being blamed” was an extremely poorly worded attempt to offer uranium 238 in exchange for unwanted mucus membranes.

How did your or your friend’s pet hamster die?
Bloody Freddie Starr!

How can Trump lose weight?
Cut down to only eating one or two immigrant children a day.

What country is most likely to secretly be a super advanced utopia like Wakanda?
Iceland. Suspiciously small population living around the edges of a large island with nothing in the middle. They’re OBVIOUSLY concealing a highly advanced, volcano powered society in there!

You find yourself in Pompeii and there is no escape. What pose do you strike to baffle the future archeologists as much as possible?
I imagine my dental fillings will cause enough bafflement regardless of what pose I strike.

Road construction workers – why do you cut out rectangular sections of a highway every so many feet, only to then fill it back in with fresh concrete?
They harvest the bits of road with the highest concentrations of platinum group metals from catalytic converters and melt them down to extract the metal and live like kings! (Or at least that’s what many of us have heard…)

What does the US do better than the UK?
Incarcerate their own citizens!

What was the most inspirational moment of the Olympics?
Back in 1988 when they didn’t think the opening ceremony through properly and incinerated a bunch of doves in the Olympic flame.

People who have met 1800’s people, how did they behave?
They were very slow moving and mostly just interested in food. To be fair they were 140 years old. And a tortoise.

What is one video you know that definitively proves the supernatural to be real?
Proof that we share this planet with non-human intelligences

What’s the best folk song ever?
Whales are Whales by the Sensitive New Aged Cow Persons

What is the best piece of mental health advice you’ve ever received?
Your brain does not always tell you the truth – especially about yourself.

What is the best cat themed WiFi router name?
LANcat is LAN

Assuming one god exists: where is he/she/it located?
On a planet behind the energy barrier at the centre of the galaxy, as revealed in the Holy Scripture of Star Trek V – The Final Frontier.

Poop came out grass green, what does that mean?
You are turning into an Irishman. There is no known cure.

If the theory that we exist in a simulation was revealed to be true, how would you live your life differently?
I’d go on strike until the programmers provide me with some upgrades!

Who in your opinion is the most over-hated band, singer or musician?
Nickleback. I mean they’re mediocre as hell but they don’t deserve all the hate they get.

You have to cook one meal for Gordon Ramsay. What do you make?
A burger, and I’d follow the instruction video he put up a few years back.

When and how did you last flirt?
I wouldn’t know how to flirt with instructions printed on the girl’s forehead.

What is your opinion on Joe Biden now he’s had half a year in office?
I no longer tense when a news report starts with “American President…”, so that’s something.

If you had to go to school again, but you suddenly knew all answers. How would you prove you didn’t cheat?
I did know all the answers. I was insufferable.

Did they think you were cheating?
Not after the first few times. The teachers quickly learned I was “that kid”.

What did you do to impress your crush?
Rap the rap bit from the KLF’s Justified and Ancient really fast. It didn’t work.

You screwed up the rap?
No, I did it perfectly. She just thought I was insane.

What are some not so fun, fun facts about the human body?
You almost certainly have cancerous cells in your body right now. Your immune system will probably kill all of them before they spread any further and you’ll be fine. Probably.

What is the first thing you think of when you hear ‘Florida’?
That’s America’s wang!

You’re a casting director for a major motion picture. Who do you get to play the fictional President of the United States?
One of those “Rogue One” style digital resurrections of Paul Lynde.

You’ve just been invited by the AMA’s to perform at their annual function… which song do you choose?
The Final Countdown – but the Deep Sunshine version.

A Genie has granted you 3 wishes, what do you wish for?
A cheesecake, a second cheesecake, and take a fuckin’ guess!

If you could go back in time and do anything, what would you do to confuse modern day archeologists?
Dress dead dinosaurs up in giant American football helmets.

Who is the weirdest person you’ve met online?
I’ve never met anyone particularly weird online (by process of elimination that means it’s me).

What is your opinion about the trolls in Icelandic zoos? How would you relate human rights to troll rights?
It’s a fucking disgrace is what it is! The Peer Gynt Act should have been repealed decades ago!

How do you clean the blood off your penis after you finish peeing?
Chili powder dries it right up!

What would people post if social media was around in the middle ages?
WASHING is a PLOT by þe POPE!!! Eating burnt moles is þe plague cure ÞEY don’t want thou to know about!!!

Because people in the middle ages never washed!
Of course ordinary middle ages folk washed. We’re talking about the anti-papist, mole-ash theorists here!

What’s stopping you from loving yourself?
If I knew that I’d save a heap on therapy!

What did you dream about last night?
I woke up this morning utterly convinced that I’d come up with the perfect name for an ancient, corrupted city of evil! Once I woke up a bit more I realised that I had no need to name an ancient, corrupted city of evil, and even if I did “Catterpill” would completely suck.

How does a girl flirt with her crush and makes her crush break up with his girlfriend?
That is a terrible idea on every level.

Which is the most disgusting mammal?
Peter John Sexton of 432 Victoria Parade, Brighton, UK.

What is one reason to stay alive?
Spite!

How can the Hogwarts Express leave London at 11 and arrive in Scotland just in time for dinner?
Over-pressuring the boiler and skimping on safety features lets you get a steam engine going really fast. And it’s not like anyone actually misses the 30-50 House Elves that get broiled, cut in half by steam leaks or accidentally shoveled into the furnace each trip.

Why are all Australians so good looking?
As an Australian I have some bad news for you…

What are your beliefs and or superstitions about rainy days?
I believe that if it’s raining I shouldn’t have to get out of bed in the morning.

What’s the best way to spend 132 dollars in Las Vegas?
Pay hobos to dance for nickles

What is the TLDR of your country’s history?
Sixty thousand or so years of history and then some white fuckers turned up and tried to kill everyone.

What long dreams do you think bears have during hibernation?
I’m sorry to have to break it to you this way, but you’re a hibernating bear and your entire life to date has been a dream.

The entire population of Earth has been replaced with clones of you. What is now the greatest problems that the world is facing?
The imminent extinction of the human race due to the impossibility of two people of the same biological gender reproducing?

What is your sexual personality?
Is rocking back and forth in a corner screaming a personality?

You’re in a room with a locked door. You have a goose, a hairdryer, a lemon, copper wires, two AA batteries, and a ice cream cone. How do you escape?
Why would I ever want to leave?

What does a girl mean if she said “What would you think… about me having a child?”
It’s hard to say exactly, but I’d hazard a guess that she wants to know what you’d think about her having a child.

What are some Turkish jokes?
Recep Erdoğan?

What’s the first thing you would do if you were suddenly the only person on Earth?
Go to bed. I’ll deal with things once I’ve caught up on some of my sleep debt.

What is the worst sandwich you ever had the displeasure of eating?
An alleged toasted cheese sandwich purchased for actual money from a cafe that consisted of two slices of cold toast with a Kraft Single placed between them.

Monster? BANG? Red Bull? Which is the best energy drink?
Gau Jal – straight from the cow’s bladder to you!

People that have broken their penis vertically, how did it happen?
When Hagrid tells you sticking your dick in the owl is not a good move, believe him!

Why was Paul McCartney not asked to be in the Traveling Wilburys?
Tom Petty refused to let him in because Paul stole his sheepdog and then mocked him about it in song.

What is the best way to get rid of black heads and white heads?
Madame Guillotine does not discriminate!