Is there no love in town? Is this new century getting you down? Well cheer up, because I’m here to introduce you to the solution for all your worries, the fresh-off the rack, supergreen, new religion of Garyism!
The Eleven Tenets of Gayism are as follows:
1: Gary is the supreme being, and the supreme being is Gary. Supreme is the being of Gary and in being Gary, Gary is supreme. Gary is the invisible gnome that lives in my garage and who goes through people’s bags. Oh, the places he has seen!
2: Humans evolved from bushes. After all, have we not all at one point felt the urge to return to shrubbery? As the great philosopher once said, if you’re not a bush, you’re not no one!
3: Rindless bacon is an abomination before Gary, and all who prepare bacon without the rind shall be condemned to the outer darkness with the gnashing and the wailing and the teeth.
4: When you die you arrive at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter gives you a general knowledge quiz. If you pass, you get into heaven. If you fail you get sent to hang out on a mountain with David Bowie, who helps you study. After six months you get to take the quiz again. Please note that once you get into heaven you can hang out with David Bowie as much as you like, so there’s no need to deliberately flunk the quiz to meet him. You can take the quiz as many times as necessary until you eventually pass. Note, however, that Saint Peter has a particular dislike of nehru jackets so do your best not to get killed while wearing one or he’ll make the quiz significantly harder.
5: Big Tyme by Heavy D and & the Boyz is a holy sacrament. Not listening to it – good lord no! – just its general existence.
6: The Mormons send their young people out door knocking not to attract converts, but to reinforce the teaching that the non-Mormon world is corrupt and hostile, so they’re much better off remaining in the church.
7: Horses are for courses, but hearses are for curses. Hisses may be for kisses, depending on personal preference.
8: C’mon!
9: Nice!
10: Chiropractory was invented by a ghost as a joke on the living.
11: Tenets are subject to change without notice. Past performance is not a guarantee of future results. All investments involve a degree of risk, including the risk of loss. Please check with Gary for the latest advice before believing anything. Anything at all. This is not a dream. You are seeing what is actually occurring for the purpose of causality violation. I’m a cow and I’m proud. Moo.
I will be taking no questions!