The Voight-Kampff Test, 2017 Edition

What would you do if Barack Obama came to your house and rang the door bell?
Say “What’s up Barry?”

If Trump is hiding something in regards to his ties to Russia, what do you think it is?
He’s actually a Russian space dog from the 1950s who came back down with enhanced intelligence (for a dog) and a massively extended lifespan. Cosmetic surgery has made him look more or less human, but they could never get the hair quite right.

What are they hiding in Antarctica?
I’ve heard they’ve hoarding 70% of the world’s fresh water down there!

What would a crumpback whale look like?
More crooked than a humpback, but less crooked than a trumpback.

What sport would you consider watching if one rule was changed?
I’d happily watch cricket if whenever a batsman is struck out they release a velociraptor onto the field.

What songs sound like they’re about one thing, but are really about something completely different?
Every Breath You Take – The Police. People think it’s a love song, but it’s actually about the collapse of the wave function on observation in quantum physics.

What is something a Girl did on the first date that shot up a huge red flag?
A drive by on the Soviet Embassy.

What don’t your friends realise you do for them?
Serve as a dreadful warning.

You suspect that your friend is an evil green cat from Mars, who is planning to take over the human race and bring forth the Cat Supremacy. How do you prove your theory and how do you stop your friend?
Well the first thing I’d do is lower the dosage…

Men with great beards, how did you get them?
Paid a bag of guilders to Froði the beard merchant. Best investment ever!

If you could rent a billboard on a major highway for free, what would you put on it?
A picture of Lemongrab captioned “TAKE OFF YOUR THINGSSSSS!!!!”

Why do you think people smear their shit on bathroom walls?
An attempt to define man’s opposition to and yet fascination with the abject while seeking a lost connection to nature but still dominating it by using an organic yet abject, self-generated substance. Or they didn’t take their meds. Whatever.

You die and God chooses you to decide how to world ends. How do you end it?
Millions of ten foot tall, tap-dancing skeletons with top hats and canes dance out of the world’s caves and make their way to Las Vegas, tapping all the way. Once there they congregate around the Luxor pyramid, point their canes at the sky and sing “UUUUU-LAAAAAA!!” in unison. Laser beams shoot from their canes, hit the sun and make it instantly go supernova incinerating the Earth along with the rest of the solar system.

What are the famous places in North America?
Toledo Ohio

A new law is introduced where all items for sale must be priced at cost of production + 20% profit. What are the biggest changes?
Dr Dre would end up homeless on a street corner trying to sell headphones to passers by for loose change.

Dear Americans, are there actually awesome random tree houses around towns like in Stand by Me, Sandlot, Bridge to Terebithia, and Dennis the Menace? Who builds them? Who claims ownership?
No one is quite sure how or why they appear. They just materialise – often literally overnight. Now and then one will suddenly vanish along with any children inside. This is accepted as a tribute to whatever entities construct them and send them to our world.

How much do you love your dog? Would you give up a kidney for them?
Like, for them to eat?

Other than a nuclear bomb, what would it take to remove all members of Congress and the Senate?
A conventional bomb?

How do you restore your soul if you’re dead inside?
Drink the blood of a virile youth (it worked for the Pope!)

Do you ever feel like the birds in your yard where planted by somebody to spy on you?
Ask your Doctor if Professor Pink’s Anti-Paranoia pills are right for you!

What’s your favourite place to dump your victims corps?
Back at the barracks, where they belong.

Who’s your favorite Walking Dead character and why?
That guy who had a beard in one season and didn’t in another, and he was almost bitten by a zombie but just avoided it, and then he had a fight with that other guy.

What have you always wanted to know about tractors?
What advantage does one of these new-fangled “tractors” have over my old mule Clancy?

What herbivore would be scary as hell if it were a carnivore?
Horses. You ever look into the eye of a horse? They’re insane!

What happens to all the kitchenware generated by replicators for every meal in Star Trek?
They throw them out the airlock. It’s one of the main reasons for hostility between the Federation and the Klingons.

How old do you think Earth is, and how old do you think human life is?
The Earth was created last Tuesday with all memories and history intact. Humanity is a little over 12 billion years old. Resolving this paradox is the chief issue facing physics today.

The last thing that injured you was radioactive and gave you appropriate superpowers, what can you now do?
I have the powers of a broken plastic storage tub?

What’s your favourite animal you can find in Georgia?
The North American Trash Kitten

If you had a band what would it be called and what type of music would you play?
We’d be called TRVË BRVTÄL KVLT and perform gentle acoustic covers of Paul Simon songs.

What happens if you use a calculator in a dream?
It turns into a dragon that’s also your uncle even though you don’t have an uncle or at least you didn’t think you did but he turns up in his pickup truck and you have to load the wood into the back but the wood doesn’t want to go in the back and you’re very concerned about the rights of the wood as written in the Constitution which is actually a book you have in front of you but when you try to read it all the words are blurry and somehow they’re also tadpoles and you have to all catch the tadpoles before you can get your foot repaired.

Every X has a Y. What are X and Y?
I think you misheard. The correct lyrics are “Every rose has its thorn”.

What was the number one song the week you were born?
The Ted Mulry Gang!? But they suck!

What method have you found to be the most successful for you to stop seeing dinosaurs in your day dreams?
Every time you think of a brontosaurus get someone to kick you in the crotch.

If you only had $5, what would you buy?
I’d buy you 0.000005 of a monkey (haven’t you always wanted 0.000005 of a monkey?)

What are some things you would learn in an elf defense course?
The correct use of ring-based river control to drive away Nazgul.

Those who have renounced darkness, why did you do it?
Justin’s lycra outfits were just too revealing.

If GWAR is a caricature of metal bands, what bands are caricatures of other musical genres?
KISS are a parody of this rock band from the 70s called “KISS”

What could the word onomatopoeia be an onomatopoeia for?
An empty wooden barrel bounding down a staircase and falling apart halfway down.

Where do we put all the carbon?
Turn it into a giant diamond and put it in orbit around the MOOOOOOON!!!

What’s your best way to get back at a bully?
Conceal a gamma ray source in their bedroom.

What are the kids into these days?
Dabbing and violence gangs.

What’s the one cringe-worthy memory of yourself that continually pops up in your mind?
The one?

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
David Bowie appears and performs Let’s Dance.

Change a word in a movie title to “breakfast”, what is it now about?
Star Wars: Breakfast of the Sith. Anakin and Palpatine sitting on a balcony on Coruscant, eating muffins and drinking tea while discussing the breakfast preferences of Darth Plagueis the Wise for two hours.

When pregnant women go to pregnant women classes, who picks them up?
I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.

What do you think is a good minor for Electrical Engineering?
Theology, so you can construct your own ELECTRICAL GOD!

If you were a wizard, what pranks would you play on non-wizards for fun?
Turn their money into snakes.

What was the most god awful, cringiest part of your life that you want to forget?
Everything from about age 8 to 25?

What would be a good reason to call off your marriage?
You discover your partner is really a giant wasp who only wants to tie the knot so they can implant their eggs in your body.

What’s the best way to build a chicken coup?
El Presidente! The Chickens! They have risen!

You are the first person to land on Mars. What do you say?
“I claim this planet in the name of David Bowie!” Then I click on my walkman and get down like Star Lord, but with Let’s Dance instead of Redbone.

Why don’t you wear overalls?
Because I don’t work in heavy industry and I’m older than 10.

What are people slowly starting to remember?
The 10,000 year reign of the Necro-Mantis.

What started the USA – North Korea nuclear tension?
The last half century of history?

Before Mapquest and Google Maps, how did you navigate when driving?
There was a thing called a “map” which was a bit of paper with roads drawn on it. And there were collections of these maps bound together into a thing called a “book”. And you would keep one of these “books” in your car and find your way by careful scrying of the “maps” it contained.

What are some dark facts about Khan Academy?
Their use of Ceti Eels to ensure compliance.

What would you like to know about Wales?
Is it true that “eisteddfod” is Welsh for “oh God, make them stop”?

What happens when an immovable force meets an unstoppable object?
Anton LaVay sings Yes, We Have No Bananas, accompanied by H. P. Lovecraft on church organ.

So, what happened with United Airlines?
They tried to remove a man from a flight and he turned into a Bloodthirster of Khorne which destroyed O’Hare Airport and killed hundreds. United is refusing to pay for the repairs.

What would shock a person from 1957 about 2017?
Jeeze Louise! Don’t nobody wear hats no more?

People sitting in your car in the grocery store parking lot: What the hell are you doing?
Watching you. Yes, specifically YOU.

What time is it?
Hammer Time!

What part of our society was actually just a marketing campaign?
I believe the Nazi party started out as some kind of beer hall loyalty card promotion.

What’s the most metal band name you can think of?
Üüüüääääþþüü. Posers pronounce it as “oo-arth-thoo” but true fans know that it cannot be pronounced by human tongues.

Those who have achieved astral projection, how did you do it? What tips do you have?
Steer clear of the crew that never rests. They’re jerks who still owe me money.

Whobis your most favorite james bond character?
Yes! Evil billionaire Whobis is indeed my favourite James Bond character!

Why is the sky brownish-yellow right now?

When meeting my girlfriend’s parents for the first time, is it expected that I should bring a gift?
No, but you will be expected to pin her father to prove your reproductive fitness.

If you were forced to open a bakery, what would you name it?
“BEAR BREAD”. If anyone asked why “bear” bread, I’d ban them.

What is the difference between progressive house and progressive trance?
Progressive house goes “der der der der der der” and progressive trance goes “deeeeeeeeeeeeer”

Why are flat Earthers the way they are?
Carbon monoxide poisoning?

Who are these people that keep asking for thinner and thinner phones?
The shadow people. They want phones as thin as themselves so they can co-ordinate their take over of the world.

What’s the weirdest celebrity fun fact you know?
On 9/11 Steve Buscemi threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell, and plummeted 16 ft through an announcer’s table.

Why are people so against letting cats go outside?
They kill wildlife, get hit by cars, get into fights, smoke, drag race up and down the block, read violent comic books, listen to raucous rock and roll records and corrupt the morals of younger children.

Besides money, what is a benefit of running a skeleton crew?
You only have to manage one Necromancer rather than a ship full of fractious sailors.

How do you kill time?
With a dagger forged from pure darkness within the heart of a dead star.

Why do loggers leave large rocks on tree stumps?
Tributes to Geologis, the god of stone who shall one day petrify all wood.

What is the best cordless beard trimmer for men?
The Weasel 5000 Flesh Ripper

Why do we sometimes hiccup when we eat spicy food?
Food is spicy because of the presence of capsaicin, which binds to the vanilloid receptor subtype 1 (TRPV1) in the mucus membranes of mammals, creating a burning sensation by allowing cations to pass through the cell membrane. The cations in question were created by Satan and are infused with demonic spirits, causing your body to attempt an exorcism by strongly contracting the diaphragm and (about 0.25 second later) closing the vocal cords, resulting in a hiccup.

Who built the pyramids?

The Egyptians built the Egyptian pyramids, the Nubians built the Nubian pyramids, the Aztecs built the Aztec pyramids, the Mayans built the Mayan pyramids, the Chinese built the Chinese pyramids, Circus Circus Enterprises built the Luxor Las Vegas and no one built the Bosnian pyramids because they’re not pyramids, they’re just some oddly shaped hills looked at by a nationalist nutcase.

If you went to a bar and order a shot called the trump, what would be in it?
A hairy turd floating in orange juice.

What songs from the 70’s should be in the next Guardians of the Galaxy film?
Bella Lugosi’s Dead. The franchise is going to get really dark.

Why did cricket not become popular in the US given its English history?
The Monroe Doctrine specifically outlawed ‘the effete and unmanly game of playing at crickete’

How long do you think you could last in a rocket before contracting Space Madness?
Is there a jolly, candy-like button for me to guard?

Then I wouldn’t make it five minutes.

Which language is hardest to learn?
The language of the Molemen. It’s tonal, has 74 distinct vowels and makes heavy use of the notorious “voiced snore”.

What is the name of the song Snoop Dogg played after thug life compilation video?
I believe it was “I took a trip on a Gemini Spacecraft” by the Legendary Stardust Cowboy.

Why doesn’t Atreyu sink in the swamps of sadness when Artax sinks?
The Swamps of Sadness are lined with horse magnets.

If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
For the tax benefits. It’s actually a really smart move financially.

What are your thoughts for or against a large unidentified hominid living in North America?
The President is well identified!

What makes absolutely 0% sense to you?
Investing your self worth in a group people who run around chasing a ball to the extent that when they don’t win at chasing a ball you get all upset and possibly violent.

What is a dark part of your school’s history that they cover up?
That thing with the racist and his snake.

What are some good deep, late night conversation topics?
“Has there ever actually been a pepper-pot polar bear train?”

If your surname was a fruit, what color would it be?


In a hypothetical scenario, the population of Planet Earth would be immediately reduced to 1 billion. What would your proposal for who gets to stay alive and who has to die be?
Let’s start with the Juggalos and Juggalo sympathizers/enablers. Then we’ll move on to the Beliebers. Keep moving down the list. Fans of One Direction, people who park at bus stops, Lyndon Larouche, people who put bandanas on their dogs – y’know, scum.

What will happen if a human inhales 300 million years old air?
Evolutionary theory tells us they would instantly devolve into a tree frog.

How would you spell the sound that a dial up connection makes?

Why are you against globalism and trade agreements?
Because once the world is a single, global market the Reptilians will eat our souls with their their communist spambots!

What is the manliest way to bathe?
With a wolf in an Icelandic hot spring under the full moon while bellowing out hymns to Thor.

What time is it?
Time for the Guru!

What has a head and a tail but no body?
A badly mangled possum.

If you ever make a secret society, what would be it about?
We would have all kinds of secret signals and wear robes and masks and make strange hand gestures while chanting in Latin, and then when the outsiders have been banished and doors have been sealed we’d chill out and eat donuts. None of that Krispy Kreme garbage either. Really good donuts.

What makes Toto’s “Africa” such a good song?
The “dum dum-dum du-dum dum-dum” bit and the “dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doob” bit.

How come you cant open a strip club near a place of worship?
You’d never get the priests out of there to hold services.

How would you react if there was a website you can buy live human sperm?
You mean there’s not?

Who is a villain whose story is misunderstood?
Grendel just wanted a good night’s sleep without being kept awake by the frat-boy Geats next door partying every single night.

What’s going to save us from global warming?
Once the oceans become sufficiently acidic from absorbing CO2 the Deep Ones will emerge and “reconfigure our industry” to make it carbon neutral (ie: kill us all).

What is underneath an escalator?
Piles of highly flammable shit. (Except in the New York subway system where it’s just piles of literal shit)

People who knows Parkinson, how this disease affect you and your family?
It’s rather mean to refer to Britain’s most popular talk show host as a disease!

Where do babies come from?
Baby manufacture was outsourced to the molemen of Agharta in the 1970s. They import by-catch from the South East Asian shrimp fishery, mulch it into amino acids and weave them into children on genetic looms. Babies are dispatched to requesting hospitals via a system of lubricated underground tubes.

What do wild horses eat during the winter?

Why do meth addicts buying cold medicines want the receipt?
For their tax records, obviously.

You just discovered a new species of animal. What does it look like, where does it dwell, what does it eat, and what do you name it?
Looks like a dirty old sock, lives in sock drawers, eats single socks, I call it Sebastian.

What would you do if you had a bodyguard who was a silverback gorilla?
Whatever the hell I wanted.

People who don’t bathe/clean themselves regularly, why not?
Washing removes the natural oils evolved by nature to keep you clean! I haven’t washed in years, so they’re bound to kick in any minute now!

How come my wife’s feet stink so bad?
Um, yeah. That’s not your wife, it’s a coyote that randomly wandered in. You should probably get your eyes checked.

It is the year 4000 AD. What is the 21st century remembered for?
The 21st century was a time of myth when legendary figures such as Kimshonoon, Bu-Tin the Great and Tedonnal burnt the Earth with nuclear fire! Of course no one these days takes such stories seriously.

How does it all work?
It’s the molemen! And their ancient Hyperborean beam-ray machines!

What one rule would you add to any gameshow to make it more popular?
If you want to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune you have to fight a wolverine for it.

When you’re making a sandwich, are you supposed to butter both slices of bread or just one?
Both you heathen!

Guy Fieri arrives at your door unannounced and orders you to cook him a meal. What do you make him?
I throw some beans, ketchup and cheese in a pot along with an entire container of chili flakes, heat it up, throw it on the floor and yell “Eat this like the pig you are Fieri!”

Gordon Ramsay tells you that you’ll never amount to anything. What do you say?
“Yes Chef!”

What historical events have been hidden from man?

The centuries long rule of the Necro-Mantis.

How come people with Aspergers tend to have better pattern recognition?

I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill your mirror neurons.

Will I still be alive when china makes a new fireman suit will they tell me in a vidio?
Son, I’m only going to tell you this one time. If you want to keep working here, stay off the drugs.

Steve from Blue’s Clues is now your boss. What is life at work like now?
Pretty good, except he keeps telling everyone they’re a mighty little man.

Introverts, what is the answer to the question ‘Why are you so quiet?’
“Because I’m plotting the destruction of your pathetic species, human.”

Why are dinosaurs so intriguing?
Their finely nuanced views on politics.

Who will be my Venus?
No one?

Aliens come down and say that we have been living in a simulation. What would of been a clue?
All those dead pixels on the sun (sunspots my ass!)

Why is your religion right?
Because God comes to visit us regularly and accept our sacrifices. When you see that big ol’ head hovering above you, spewing out guns and saying that the penis is evil, you’re gonna believe!

Why Germany don’t own NAZI Germany anymore?
Churchill and Roosevelt punched Hitler in the face and he fell to the ground crying like a little girl and then De Gaul kicked him the balls while Ghandi made him punch himself in the nose while saying “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!” and then Curtin came and dropped a koala on him which pissed everywhere and then they (except Hitler) all went off for lunch together and laughed at how much of a pussy Hitler was and Ghandi had the samosas. So in conclusion it’s not quite a mop and it’s not quite a puppet, but man!

Who is the most terrible person in the whole world?
William Costa Evans of Churchill Gardens in Margate in the United Kingdom. His depredations would be legendary if the press were not too intimidated to report on them.

what to do noticed that im having much more fun jerking off rattler than going out?
It’s a brave soul who’ll try to jerk off a rattler.

What comes immediately to mind when you think of Indian people?
Their insane lust for nuclear weapons.

What popular classic movies and books do you know of but you really aren’t clear on how the actual story goes?
Well, in Casablanca there’s a woman who walks into a bar, and a guy who plays the piano again, and a plane full of midgets and possibly something to do with a hill of beans.

What are some examples in contemporary society of Contact Theory successfully being practiced?
When Jodie Foster got in that big machine and it went woooo woooo woooo and she met an alien who looked like her dad but really she didn’t go anywhere and no one believed her so she had to go and live in the woods and make all these weird noises and I spilt my popcorn and they wouldn’t give me any more 🙁

What is your favorite memory of the future?
The one about The Big Goodbye where the gangster called Wil Wheaton a fag because he didn’t play football.

What is the greatest thing mankind has ever achieved?
Those guitars that are… like… double guitars

What is the most scary,or creepy story you know?
There was this dark, dark wood with a dark, dark, house full of nested stuff that was also dark and dark and if you went through all of that shit you’d eventually find something really scary like… a scorpion or something?

Why do you sometimes randomly get a ringing sound in your ear?
Probably one of Insects from Shaggai flying in or out of your brain.

Where’s the best place to get a bloatware-free high-end gaming PC that won’t be obsolete in a few years?

What is your favorite Star Trek race?
Bajorans. They have very cute noses.

Why can’t I see the Supermoon?
The supermoon only reveals itself to the virtuous.

You are a ruthless dictator in today’s society. Which annoying every-day acts are now punishable by death?
Confusing turtles with tortoises or blimps with airships.

What do you need to build a meth-lab?
A poor sense of self preservation.

Which are the top ten giants contributing to the net GDP of the world?
1: Fionn mac Cumhaill
2: Pantagruel
3: Gargantua
4: Gog
5: Robert Wadlow
6: Magog
7: Paul Bunyan
8: Ginormica
9: Apache Chief
10: Ultraman

What is something wrong with Yankees?
Their habit of confusing fashion accoutrements with pasta.

Why am I attracted to shirtless hunks even though I’m not gay?
Yeah, you’re probably a bit gay.

Why does “texas” have all the same letters as “taxes” just 2 of them switched around? What’s REALLY going on here?
Keep asking questions like that and they’ll take you off to Denver Airport

What Harry Potter house do you think you belong to? Why?
Ravenclaw because I’m not an everybody-gets-a-prize tryhard, a quidditch obsessed glory hound or an arrogant backstabbing shitlord.

What are you looking forward to in 2020?
World takeover by Megacorps, cheap cybernetic limbs, aerodyne ambulances, compulsory mirrorshades and lots of Japanese neon signs everywhere.

Why did millennials let this happen?
Given the chance, Millennials would kill you and everyone you care about!

Is it unethical to put 5000 mcg of LSD in my boss’s coffee?
Not if he really deserves it.

How you deal with your stupidity?
I rely on the Dunning-Kruger Effect to shield me from knowledge of it.

What are your thoughts on Vulcans?

What are the chains on the undercarriage next to the wheels on an ambulance for?
Emergency restraints for injured supervillains.

If you mutated into a Marvel hero, what would your power be if it were based on your weird quirk or talent IRL?
I would be able to project my depression into other people. Try and take over the world when you can’t crawl out of bed Magneto!

On a scale of potato to box, how sexy are you?

What would be the plot and/or hit song from a Disney movie based on your life?
Disney would take one look at my life and throw himself into the ocean.

Which free lancing sites are beneficial?
Free lancing?! I have to pay to get my boils lanced!

Why can’t america just take over every country and just make the whole world america? Wouldn’t this solve, like ALL the world’s problems?
Oh good lord.

Has a T.V. channel rerun an already finished show, but treated it as if it was a new show?
Welcome to Australian television!

What are the two large visible balls under my jawlines?
They’re just your Progenoid glands. When they reach maturity (or when you’re killed in action – whichever comes first) the Apothecary will remove them to provide gene-seed for the next generation of your Chapter.

What’s your favourite stupid drunken purchase?

If you had a chance to become a vampire or a werewolf, which would you choose?
“Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die.” – Sounds like hell, I’ll take werewolf.

How can a rock get wet?
Hand it over to Andrew W.K.

What makes your day?
The rotation of the Earth around its axis.

What is something to look forward to in 2017?
In mid August President Trump will finally allow kerosene heaters to be installed in the internment camps! Sheer luxury!

Serious saitama vs Gurren Lagann piloted by war arc naruto and sasuke. Who will prevail?
Um… Domo Arigato Mr Roboto?

Who will play Trump in the TV movie chronicling the 2016 election?
I’m sure Weta Workshops will be able to build something.

Where did the term ‘snake oil’ come from and what does it actually mean in context?
In the olden days the main source of fuel for cars was melted down rattlesnakes. When Thomas Edison invented gasoline he started a publicity campaign that derided the old snake-based fuel as “Snake Oil” and it was so successful that the phrase came to mean anything unreliable or fraudulent – which is ironic as rattlesnake drippin’s actually have a much higher octane rating than petroleum based fuel.

How does one get baby spiders out of one’s rectum?
Give them access to a more attractive rectum.

What do you do every night before you sleep?
Pray to Shrek, thanking him for the life I’ve been given

How did you find yourself?
Looked behind the sofa. I was there all the time!

Why did you get Tinder?
So if I’m stuck in the wilderness it’ll be easier for me to start a fire.

Is it safe to drink off of cans of pop or whatever from gas stations?
No it is not. Many gas stations remove the tops of the cans, insert dead rats, then seamlessly reseal them using special equipment. (No one is quite sure why they do this – it may have something to do with the Shriners).

Why women give love to the men who punch the shit out of them and let me alone and forced to visit prostitutes?
No one is forcing you to visit prostitutes. The prostitute thing is entirely voluntary on your part.

Who was that musician who was also a scientist that supposedly invented a super efficient experimental engine that was later stolen and got him killed?
Are you sure that wasn’t a dream you had?

What is neutron in election?
Last I heard, electoral franchise had not been extended to sub-atomic particles.

Why do you have trouble sleeping at night?
Gnomes coming out of the walls and trying to steal my breath.

What scenario best describes Irony?
Singing a massive hit song on the subject of irony that contains comparatively few actual instances of irony.

What are the realities of law and order in our society today?
They’re really running out of good plots and Mariska Hargitay is looking more and more tired each season.

What do you want for Christmas?
Hermione Granger and a rocketship!

Do white girls like it when cute Indian guys eat egg curry while making gainz?
Sure, why the hell not.

What is the most profound utterance in the history of mankind?
“Movin’ to Montana soon, gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon” — Frank Zappa

What is the best Dutch fairytale?
Jan van der Berg and the Windmill of Doom

If you could spend 30 seconds on the phone with any living person, who would you call and what would you say?
Madonna. Then as soon as she came on the line I’d say “I don’t have time to talk to you” and hang up.

What’s the name of that thing invented in America?

How would you feel if you walked in on your partner having sex with Pikachu?
I have a partner and Pokemon are real!? This is the best day ever!!!

Why do u think the people dont know how to add and subtract when they are eating a blowjob?
Eating a blowjob?

What is your favorite part in bee movie?
I like the part where Jerry Seinfeld says “Bee”.

What do headaches actually feel like?
Like an Objectivist gnome has crawled into your skull and is beating on the inside of it with a copy of Atlas Shrugged.

What is the most unusual thing that has happened to you at the time of reading a book?
Does a comic book count? ‘Cause I was reading one in a diner and a hand came out and pulled me in, and then we got chased around by some evil bikers with a pipe wrench and I only just escaped and there was this catchy Scandinavian music playing that went “Doo-doo-doo do-do do-do-do-do-do, doo-doo-doo do-do do-do-do-do-do”.

What would you like to see the media cover instead?
Dachshund races. The world would be a better place with more news on dachshund races.

In English, what feeling currently lacks its own word?
When you’re driving across the salt flats at somewhere over 150 kmph and your suspension is kind of shot so you’re really feeling it and you can’t really see where you’re going because you’re injecting heroin into one eyeball and you did the other one five minutes ago and the focus is going in and out and you think the hyena in the back seat is getting lose, but you’re pretty sure you tied the knots tight so it might just be the Fear and then your phone goes off and it’s your accountant screaming and pleading with you to come back but all you can think about is whether you put enough stamps on that package last week and if not what Amy is going to do on Saturday without her hat and then you lose control and spin out and in that final second before you plow into the ground and light up the entire playa in a glorious fireball of destruction you unaccountably remember that time when you were ten and your xylophone broke and the look on her face when she saw it. That feeling.

You’re now a Pirate, what do you get instead of a hook hand?

What’s an interesting bit of trivia about a popular (or not) entertainment franchise (movie, show, game, etc)?
The Marvel Cinematic Universe version of Nick Fury wears dentures because he carved a chess set out of his own teeth.

Why don’t monkeys wear hats?
Monkey aint’ got no time for hats. Monkey just got time for monkeyshines.

How do you plead?

Why so some elderly people walk so slow?
When 900 years old you reach, walk as fast you will not.

What sort of sticky situations has your robot clone gotten you into while you were fast asleep in the middle of the night?
He started an underground boxing club that was actually a front for an anarchist terrorist organisation. Took ages to clear that mess up!

What is the biggest problem in America?
Badgers. Nixon let them in and they’ve been stealing silver from the Archbishops ever since. The Eastern conference alone has lost millions and has had to go into hock every Labour Day for the last 28 years. Liberace tried to stop them, and you know what happened to him! Bloody Hildegarde and her pop-pop boats!

Why c.h.e.a.t. people in the name of .g.o.d. ? if you dont b.e.l.i.e.v.e. in g.o.d. ? then w.h.y. do you write on dollar *In God We Trust* ?
Your punctuation makes me not believe in god.

What is it called if you believe that other people aren’t real?
Being Jaden Smith

Toilet paper users, what do you think of bidets?
Corrupt bathroom fixtures of the bourgeoisie!

What do women really want?
Women want to be free. They want to be free to do what they wanna do, and they wanna get loaded, and have a good time. That’s what they’re gonna do, they’re gonna have a good time, they’re gonna have a party!

How does one get a girlfriend in college?
Speak to your student advisor, they’ll provide you with the appropriate requisition form.

When someone tells you the earth is flat how do you react?
I have no idea as I don’t hang around with morons.

If you could make someone “magically” disappear, who would it be and why?
Does “magically” mean some men come around with a roll of carpet and a car with a big trunk and in 40 years time they find a skeleton while demolishing a football stadium?

What insect disgusts you the most?
Barry. He leaves his dirty dishes in the sink and never empties the ashtray on the balcony

Which country is god from?
According to Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians, Guatemala.

What are your thoughts on armadillos?
Armour plated leprosy lizards.

When you look in the mirror and tell yourself “Oh heck yeah, I’m looking good/sexy tonight…” isn’t that hidden homosexuality?
Yes, which is why I’m always careful to look like crap.

And you’re doing it really well!

What is the one couple (whether fictional or not) that makes you believe in love?
Justin Hawkins and the giant space squid.

What are some positive things about a Trump presidency?
He can’t kill us all in only four years.

What common forms of white men do racism face?
I’ll take confused babbling for $400 Alex!

Which is your luky clour?

Is that some kind of pokemon?

What is your reaction to darkness?
Start singing along! “Black Shuck! Black Shuck! BLAAAAACK Shuck!”

Why did rose throw the necklace into the sea at the end of titanic?
‘Cause she’s a basic bitch.

You walk into a strip club and Stone Cold Steve Austin is on stage pelvic thrusting. What do you do?
Go home and think about my life.

What is one show that ended too soon?
They could have easily got five or six more seasons out of the Drew Carey Show. Like, what if Drew got turned into a moose? Or got a job operating a hot air balloon? Or killed himself and went to hell where the devil was a bad boss?

What is Mele Kalikimaka?
The Indonesian name for Mortal Combat.

What is your favorite rodeo event?
The Hobo Parade.

What about the future frightens you the most?
The return of the Necro-Mantis

2 thoughts on “The Voight-Kampff Test, 2017 Edition”

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