His Barely Hominoid Pointy Eared Gimp

The Black of Space (it’s a pun, see?)

Well, as I mentioned yesterday Simon Pegg is going to play Mr Scott in the next Star Trek movie. Bravo I say.

Of course there’s plenty of people who aren’t so happy. Numerous bulletin boards all over the internet are drowning in alternative casting suggestions and cries of “Why didn’t they cast someone Scottish?” (apparently forgetting that Jimmy Doohan was Canadian).

Anyway among the many suggested non-Simon-Peggs one in particular caught my eye. Someone (apparently seriously) suggested Dylan Moran. Dylan Moran!


Needless to say visions of the inevitable result were immediately dancing like sugarplums in my head, so I present them here in the form of a script…


Scene – Deep space. The USS Enterprise is surrounded by three Klingon Birds of Prey, all firing their disruptors into its shields. The shields flicker under the onslaught.

Cut to the bridge. The camera shakes as the ship rocks from another impact. CAPTAIN KIRK hits the communicator button in the arm of his chair.

KIRK: Mr Scott! Warp factor eight!

Cut to the engine room. MR SCOTT lies back in his chair. His feet are up on an engineering console, and a rumpled newspaper covers his head. He appears to be deeply asleep – or possibly passed-out – but puffs of cigarette smoke emerge from beneath. He seems completely oblivious to both the attack and the communicator.

KIRK: Mr Scott!

The ship is rattled by a further impact. An empty wine bottle rolls off the console and smashes on the floor. Mr Scott starts up in shock, struggling to pull the newspaper off his face. He finally frees himself from its embrace and hurls it to the ground as the communicator squawks again.

KIRK: Mr Scott!!

Mr Scott glares at it with a mixture of rage and deep loathing.

MR SCOTT: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh GOD!!

He mashes the communicator control.


KIRK: Warp factor 8 Mr Scott!!

MR SCOTT (mockingly, as he punches viciously at various controls): Warp factor eight! Bloudy warp factor eight! (He hits one final button with a violent flourish) See how yuh like that yuh great pointy eared martian! (He sits back with a look of vile contentment on his face).

Cut to the Bridge. The main screen goes dead. All the lights go out.


Cut back to the engine room. Mr Scott is picking up and hopefully peering into various empty wine bottles.

MR SCOTT (not looking around): Yeah well they can fock off too.

Cut to exterior of Enterprise. The shields fail and the ship is blown to a million pieces.


Now that’s a movie I’d pay to see 🙂

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