Biker Elves and Pig Men

Bad Tolkien Art

I’ve just wasted the better part of an hour trawling through this thread on the One Ring forums discussing horrible Tolkien art. While the thread itself is well worth a read, I thought I’d share some of the highlights (although frankly they’re lowlights – in some cases so low they’re actually turned off).

The Death of Boromir – The picture that started it all. It’s quite clearly someone’s attempt to do a renaissance pieta, with Boromir as Jesus and Aragorn as the Virgin Mary (I’d call it a badly thought out attempt, except that that should really go without saying). It’s absolutely hideous on almost every level – Boromir looks seriously deformed, Aragorn has the mumps (not to mention his own personal windstorm), Legolas is wearing a grey union suit, and the artist seems to have misunderstood the context of the word ‘Dwarf’ as Gimli is clearly a little person. Some of the comments suggest that this image was done as a joke, which then accidently got published. I’ll cling to that explanation because the alternative – that someone actually thought this was worth publishing – is just too frightening.

Gandalf and Aragorn find the Sapling of the White Tree – Now I don’t know about you, but if I was going mountain climbing I wouldn’t wear silk pajamas and pointy slippers, even if I had a bright purple bathrobe to go over them. And lets not even mention that ‘crown’, or that rather than a great and mighty king, Aragorn looks like a droopy moustached accountant.

Elrond before the Council – Maria Ezpeleta is undoubtedly a gifted artist, however she has a habit of making Elves look like the love children of Cher and David Bowie. On heroin. Doing gay porn. This image is a typical example, but what really catches my eye is Elrond’s pet. Where exactly in the Lord of the Rings does it mention that the Lord of Rivendel is fond of wire haired dachsunds?

Finarfin and the Infant Galadriel – Another from Maria Ezpeleta. I had no idea that the Noldor included zippers and Doc Martins amongst their inventions. Or that moose were common in Valinor.

Faramir and Eowyn – This is actually a really nice watercolour, apart from the fact that the subjects have quite clearly just had a major argument. Eowyn’s pouting and sulking, and Faramir’s just about to blurt out something like “You know it’s really hard to love you when you get like this!”

Elrond and Gandalf – In this picture Gandalf is actually rather good. Elrond for some reason however has rhubarb stalks instead of ears. And Bilbo… Frankly Bilbo had me in hysterics for about five minutes. He doesn’t look like a hobbit, he looks like some kind of miniature, hump-backed pig-man, who’s considering stabbing Gandalf in the thigh. <Kramer>It’s a Pig-Man Jerry! A Pig-Man!</Kramer>

OK, that’s it for now


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