So here’s a thing…

Have a listen to 1:33 to 1:59 of TISM’s Greg! the Stop Sign (1995)…

Now have a listen to 17:14 to 18:00 of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Variations (1978)…

And finally, listen to the Shadows’ FBI (1961)

There’s quite a few references online to TISM quoting the Shadows, but I haven’t seen any noting the intermediate Andrew Lloyd Webber step that baroque-ised the middle bit.

On a side note, have a good listen to the Variations. There’s some very 70’s bits in there (four on the floor disco and jazz flute anyone?), but there’s also some damn good re-interpretations of the classics.

And Here’s Another Thing

In a follow up to yesterday’s surprising Eurovision news, there’s a petition begging TISM to reform and represent Australia in Vienna.

Naturally I have signed it. Can you watch this performance, and dare to claim that TISM would not fit right in in Eurovision?

Of course they couldn’t perform any of their classic tracks, one of the rules being that songs cannot have been commercially released prior to competing, but I’m sure they could whip something appropriate up. In any case a song like I Might be a C**t, But I’m not a F**king C***t would probably give Europe a collective stroke.

We’ll see, we’ll see…

The Court of Ancient Grievances

Order! Order! The Court of Ancient Grievances is now in session!

It is hereby alleged that on or around the 9th of October 1998 the music reviewers of the Sunday Times newspaper stated that the song Thunderbirds are Coming Out by TISM contained “speculation about the sexual proclivities of the Thunderbirds puppets”, indicating that said reviewers had either not listened to the song, or when listening to the song did not pay even cursory attention to the lyrics.

It is furthermore alleged that on or around the 26th of February 2001 the music reviewers of the Sunday Times newspaper stated in relation to the song Heat Seeking Pleasure Machine by Paul Mac that “Paul Mac has a sexy voice”, indicating that said reviewers did not carry out any research or even bother to read the back of the CD case – both actions that would have uncovered the publicly available fact that the vocalist on said song was Tex Perkins of the Cruel Sea.

It is also alleged that on or around the 12th of June 2002 the music reviewers of the Sunday Times newspaper stated that the song Satisfaction by Benny Benassi was a cover of the Rolling Stones song (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction, indicating that said reviewers either failed to listen to the Benny Benassi song, failed to listen to the Rolling Stones song, or equally likely failed to listen to either.

Therefore, it is the opinion of this court that the music reviewers of the Sunday Times between the years 1998 and 2002 were a bunch of complete fart-artists labouring under the weight of a total and systemic contempt for music, the music listening public and their responsibilities as employees of the Sunday Times.

How plead the defendants?

(Note: The Court of Ancient Grievances acknowledges that this all happened a long time ago, and that it might in fact have been the music reviewers of the West Australian Newspaper who carried out these crimes against fact. If so, the Court apologises unreservedly to the music reviewers of the Sunday Times who presumably did not have their heads completely up their arses.)

Musical Tuesdays – Filth

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Warning – This week’s Musical Tuesday contains language unsuitable for British Schoolchildren and other folk of delicate sensibilities. You have been advised!

So, this week I thought we’d explore some music in that is – to say the least – in very poor taste. In fact, it’s sheer filth. But both songs – as I hope to demonstrate – have their latent merits.

The first song is not actually the one I wanted to feature. My ideal choice was Dicktatorship by Australia’s own TISM, a song that explores the relationship between sex and politics by way of “cunt” vs “country” puns. It’s a catchy, bluesy track with perhaps the most memorable opening line in musical history – “The New South Wales Right have cocks like Mastodons“. But it doesn’t appear to be available anywhere online, so I was forced to sub in the same band’s Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the House of Representatives from 1993’s Australia the Lucky Cunt.

This doesn’t really say an awful lot, but is possibly the only song in history to include a refrain of “Gimme Bicameral Legislature!” My original choice had slightly more to say, but we have to work with what we have.

(On the subject of TISM, here’s them being interviewed by Shaun Micallef back in his Full Frontal days. Champagne comedy!)

My second selection is a track from fairly indescribable grindcore group Anal Cunt (yes, you read that correctly). In their many years of recording, AC (as they are – thankfully – usually know) perfected the art of taking 10 seconds of cacophonous screaming and drumkit abuse, titling it something cryptic, then shoving it onto a CD with forty or so similar tracks. I don’t know if you could honestly describe the results as music, but they’re certainly interesting.

Perhaps their definitive album is 1997’s I like it When You Die which packs 52 separate ‘songs’ into 41 minutes 44 seconds. The naming conventions of these tracks are what make the compilation notable, breaking down into three distinct types…

You Something: You Live in a Houseboat, You are a Food Critic, You Have Goals.

Something is Gay: Recycling is Gay, Rich Goyette Is Gay, Technology is Gay, Windchimes are Gay.

Completely Randomness: René Auberjonois, Hootie and the Blowfish, Hungry, Hungry, Hippos.

Despite this, every track sounds exactly the same – like a hallucinating cannibal falling down the stairs accompanied by the contents of a kitchen cupboard.

Anyway, the track I’m featuring is from 1999’s It Just Gets Worse, and is titled I Ate Your Horse. It’s unusual in that you can actually – sort of – understand the chorus.

So, that’s it for this week. I promise next week will be less disturbing (it would be hard for it to be more…).

Do as History Teaches

It’s that time again, the time when the Australian swim team goes off to the Olympics and – to the general consternation of the nation – totally fails to dominate. Our swimmers pick up some silvers, some bronzes and maybe a few golds, and the press fills up with questions about where it’s all gone so wrong.

The thing that everyone fails to remember is that this is the Olympic Games, not the Commonwealth Games. In the Commonwealth Games we slaughter everyone, because, frankly,  we’re the only people in the Commonwealth who can actually swim. At the Olympics we face the Americans, the Russians, the Chinese and a horde of upstart, wildcard nations that luck out by stumbling over a single brilliant swimmer. Faced with all that competition we actually punch well above our weight, but there’s still hand wringing and gnashing of teeth every time we win a silver (or, the horror! a bronze) rather than a gold.

To those who are upset at our team’s performance in the pool – or elsewhere – I say shut up and listen to some TISM.