On the Diplodocus

Pagan Dinosaurs of the Cretaceous Period

The diplodocus has long been known as the most religious of all the dinosaur groups. While it was long known as an atheist, its scientific name means “to see,” and is derived from a Greek word meaning “to discern,” a reference to the way the fossilised bones in its skull appear to pick up light from a nearby star as it glides across the sky. It’s even speculated that this ability helped it survive the extinction event that wiped out many dinosaurs and ultimately ushered in the modern era of the dinosaur world. There are some, however, who argue that Diplodocus was an especially devout member of the religious group as it was the only dinosaur to be a complete member of the group from birth, rather than being merely a juvenile that was left to its own devices. This would explain why the animal had so many other “religious” characteristics, including the unique habit of sitting on a rock and holding its tongue out, which was also believed to be the means by which it communed with its divine creator, the Great Architect of the Universe.

The fierce atheism of the triceratops is not surprising, as the species’ thick skull and neck are covered with thick, bony plates. Some experts have speculated that the thick plate might have allowed the triceratops to hold its breath during deep dives, but this remains unproven. Another theory, based on a study by Dr. Jonathan Caulkins, suggests that the thick plates may have helped the animal with its ability to move its heavy body around by stretching the neck, which was so large that it could extend up to 30 feet during the breeding season. This could have allowed the triceratops to reach heights of up to 35 feet in flight.

Among other flying dinosaurs are the plesiosaur, the pterodactyl, the saber-tooth cat and, surprisingly, the ornithomimid, which was discovered in North America by a team of researchers led by paleontologist Michael S. Currie. Religious motivations, as one would expect, are not confined to this group either. In fact, the oldest of these ancient flying reptiles are known to have been some 300 million years older than the last dinosaur to be discovered.

The Vatican has been the site of considerable controversy over the age of the world’s first flying reptile, which some claim was an adult tyrannosaurus rex, which would have been about 160 feet long and 10 feet tall, and that is now thought to have been a member of the family of plesiosaurs, of which only one species remains.

The opinions of St Paul concerning ‘Thunder Lizards’ are also cited in the ‘Acts of Peter,’ a work of the ninth century by St. Ignatius, who quotes from the same writings of St. Paul (see below). The first dinosaur-like animal known to exist is known as ‘Pyrghisaurus lindermanensis’ and is described by St. Basil as being about 5 to 10 feet long and 2 feet wide, and weighing 100 to 120 pounds, with the skull being a bit like that of a horse. This species was described by St. Clement of Alexandria in his book ‘On the Genesis of the Creation’, written in the second century, when the first dinosaurs were thought to have lived.

Whatever the case, we can rest assured that religious dinosaurs like these are a thing of the past.

Just be glad I don’t drink…

Burger King, Burger King,
Does whatever a Burger King does,
Spins a web, any size,
Catches thieves at Burger King,
Look out, he’s a Burger King,

Is he strong, Burger King?
He’s got radioactive blood,
Can he swing, from a web?
Take a look at Burger King,
Look out, he’s a Burger King,

In the chill of night,
At the scene of a crime,
Like a beam of light,
He arrives at Burger King,

Burger King, Burger King,
Friendly radio Burger King,
Wealth and fame, listen Bud,
Burger King is his reward,
To him, life is a just like flies up,
Overhead just in time Bud,
You’ll find the Burger King!

The Second Coming of the Napisan Man

There’s been a fair bit of to-do around the country lately concerning electricity costs. In most states they’ve jumped up, primarily because the power companies have been holding back on infrastructure related price rises until they could blame the new federal carbon tax – after all, why increase everyone’s bill by $75 a year and have no-one to divorce responsibility onto when you can increase them by $85 and say it’s all the fault of Ju-Liar Gillard and her evil compact with the Greens?

In any case, prices have risen and as a consequence the state government here in WA has been a running a series of ads in which an impossibly well groomed young family lecture the audience about all the things they’ve been doing to reduce their power bill. Most of these are common sense – turn appliances off standby, don’t leave the TV running if you’re not actually watching it, grow your marijuana in the backyard instead of under lights in your roof cavity, that sort of thing – but one of them left me absolutely gobsmacked.

The impossibly well groomed mother is loading clothes into the washing machine and turns to the camera saying “Instead of running three loads of washing a day, I wait till the end and just run one big load”…

Ahem.

THREE FREAKING LOADS OF WASHING A DAY!?!?

What human being needs to do three loads of washing a day!? Someone who shares their home with incontinent farm animals? A family who rent their loungeroom out for Haliburton fracking operations? A cult who await the second coming of the Napisan Man? What kind of insanity is this?!

Now, I accept that a family, particularly a family with small children, will generate more dirty clothes than a single guy like myself, but I only need to do two loads of washing a week. A circumstance where I’d need to fire up the washing machine on a daily basis – let alone on a tri-daily basis – is to me like something out of a Chuck Palahniuk novel. Seriously, if you’re creating a full load of dirty clothes on a daily basis, and need them washed on a daily basis, you need to see some kind of endocrinologist (or possibly you need more clothes).

If everyone in western society is running their washing machine at these levels, it’s no wonder we’re running out of fresh water.

Your clothes will be fine in the washing basket for a few days people. Seriously.