Essential Information for the New Year

Why is life so mysterious?

It wasn’t, until George Washington broke the seal on the Oak Island money pit and released the ancient spirit of evil known as “Walt Disney”. Thanks George!

What lessons from the Bible can be applied to everyday life, irrespective of religious affiliation?

Don’t make fun of bald guys, they might sic bears on you.

What is the best way to get to know someone when your intentions are romantic?

1: Moonwalk up to them
2: Snap your fingers in their face
3: Say “You, me, ayyyy?”
4: Put on sunglasses
5: Point at them
6: Moonwalk away while still pointing

Point at the sunglasses or the person?

Either works.

What does your dog just not understand?

Calculus

Why can humans sing?

To offer praise and worship to Zeus, obviously.

What caused you to lose your faith in the main maetrs aidem?

The mushroom man! He comes in the night and steals your faith! Sharp of tongue and spindle limbed he is, and cunning! He extracts it through your nose with special pliers! Beware of the mushroom man!

Why is the plural of goose is geese and the plural of moose is moose?

In the 1500s Pope Gooses I got sick of people making jokes about his name and issued a proclamation that made it a mortal sin to pluralise the word “goose”. After some decades of confusion (and exploitation by unscrupulous goose salesmen) the alternative plural “geese” was invented.

When moose were discovered in 1937 the Hearst newspaper empire ran a series of cartoons involving geese and “meese”. Readers found these so annoying that Congress passed a law (sponsored of course by unscrupulous moose salesmen) establishing the plural of “moose” as “moose”.

What do glasses fix or correct?

Uncoolness. If a young person is uncool, they can increase their coolness by 10%-60% by combining black, thick rimmed glasses with an appropriate haircut.

Would you ever watch a new live-action take on He-Man?

Only if it was a buddy movie about undercover cops infiltrating the Eternian bodybuilding scene in search of steroid dealers.

What do they not want you to eat?

The heart of a king.

If you could interview anyone (dead or alive) and they had to honestly answer every question, who would you interview and what would you ask?

General Washington, what is your favourite variety of cheese?

If New York City broke off and started sinking into the ocean, and you could only save one person, who would you save?

That guy who plays guitar in a cowboy hat and speedo. Human civilisation would be pointless without him!

Why did a lot of 90s Dance music videos feature people running with briefcases?

The fastest way to digitally distribute music in the 1990s was to copy it to floppy discs and run them across town in briefcases. You could hardly move through a major city without being knocked down by people running around with briefcases full of the latest Ace of Base album!

You are selected by the Illuminati to travel to Ethiopia with a mission to destroy local priest. How do you plan to destroy him?

Make snide comments about his weight.

He just laughs

Well I’m outa ideas!

When was the last time you were in Saskatoon?

Does a secret Illuminati base 800 feet underground count as “in”?

You can now turn into a fly but you stay human sized. What do you do with your new power?

Head to the local make-out spot and scare the hell out of horny teenagers.

You can ask Hitler one question. What do you ask him?

“Dude, seriously?

Why is the what not but how and this should but could is why?

Why is could but should this and how but not what the is why?

What questions do you want to see asked at the GOP debate?

If a train leaves Tulsa at 9:00am traveling at 87 miles per hour and Superman can lift 200 times his own weight are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?

Would it be feasible to construct a launch pad on the moon?

You’d have to build a launch pad on Earth first to get everything to the moon, and sadly – as we all know – that’s impossible.

What would a Romulan class Intergalactic Battle Bagel sound like flying around?

mimimimi mimimimimi

What is one animal’s meat that you would not eat?

Meat-man. I mean he’ll happily give you his meat, but it just seems creepy to me.

You can change any chain of events that you want to, but whatever you change has an equally negative effect on you as before. Would you change anything?

I’d alter events to include a walrus. The vicissitudes of life are much easier to handle when you get to see a walrus.

What are you waiting for like crazy that nobody else seems to care about?

The coming of the Necro-Mantis!

I just got into the twitter scene, what is the whole @ thing about with people’s names? And how do people find you to follow you?

‘@’ indicates that the person is a member of the Illuminati.

You collect followers by approaching people in urban alleyways after dark and asking “Have you got change for a penny yo shizzle?”

What would you do if your dad was a WWII veteran that supported Trump?

Stand in front of my microwave with the door open and hope it changes my DNA.

Michael Jackson recorded songs like “Heal the world”, “Man in the mirror”, “Earth song” and “Black or White” yet people still believe that he touched kids with no proof whatsoever. How could this be?

Well Gary Glitter recorded Papa-Oom-Mow-Mow, and you know about him!

Are autistics the next step in human evolution?

Possibly, if we could get over our social phobias enough to breed.

How many of the world’s problems could be resolved by everyone just getting together and punching Andy Dick?

Very few. But let’s do it anyway!

Why do I get homesick when I’m far away from my family for too long?

Because you are weak!

What can someone do with 60lbs of onions and 30lbs of winter squashes?

Drive away everyone they love.

If you could name the Seven Dwarfs, what would you name them?

Bolshy, Grubby, Gropey, Commie, Scabby, Bojack and Moe.

What’s the punishment for grave desecration (stealing skulls) under UK law?

You take someone’s skull, their relatives get to take yours.

Harsh, but fair.

Why doesn’t anyone on a TV Show or Movie say, “Goodbye” right before ending a phone call?

Screenwriters are all members of the Cult of Squiggy. They worship David Lander and will never write the word “goodbye” – only “hello”.

What’s the cheapest way to ship something from the USA to New Zealand?

Strap it to a sea-turtle and point it in the right direction.

What’s your theory about one of your past lives?

I was a highly spiritual Indian chief who served in the army of Alexander the Great in Egypt where I met Cleopatra and helped build the pyramids.

What’s Peter Pan syndrome like?

It’s alright, but all the sword fighting gets tedious after a while.

What’s the opposite of keeping your phone on silent?

Being Dom Jolly.

If You Could Rename American Football What Would You Call It?

Leathery-Paddington Carry-o-Ball.

What’s the best response to “Hi, how are you”?

Stare for a couple of seconds, then say “Dismissed!” while waving the speaker away with your hand.

How can one go about dating firefighters?

Take a core sample and count the rings.

Why can’t I find John Kasich’s height on the Internet?

He has spent a huge amount of time and money keeping this information secret because if anyone discovers his exact height his dark masters will summon him back to his home dimension.

What would an inconvenience store sell?

Empty Cheez Whiz cans relabeled as “Cheez Was”.

Why do a lot of older Indian women walk with that limp?

At the age of 40 they have to give up their calf muscles in a secret ritual. It’s known fact!

What’s the best way to avoid feminists?

Hide inside your house and never come out. It’s the best solution for everyone.

How do you like to be apologised to?

The petitioner should approach me in a humble manner, with eyes downcast. They should then lie face down on the floor with their arms outstretched and recite “Mea culpa! Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!” five times, while gently weeping.

I will then decide whether or not to forgive them, depending on how generous I’m feeling that day.

What creative way can you think of to stop an impending asteroid?

Hire all the world’s pyrotechnic companies to produce vast amounts of red smoke, to the point where the planet looks completely red from orbit. The asteroid will get confused, think it’s heading for Mars and head off to look for Earth elsewhere.

What incentives does a caterpillar have for invading eastern Asia?

All that rice. Caterpillars love rice.

You are paid $50 for every hour you can last in a small room with 3 angry screaming children. How long do you last for?

Am I allowed to kick or punch the children?

No

I’m out!

Is it possible for a dog to digest a celery stick?

Many years of research have proven that Dogs cannot digest celery. It sticks in their appendixes and eventually causes them to turn savage (cf. Cujo, King S. 1981)

If you had to pick one company logo to tattoo on your forehead, which would it be?

Mazda. Then I’d say “Indeed” a lot and tell everyone I’m the First Prime of Horus.

What is the most important thing to do on prom night?

Make sure to load hollow point rounds for maximum incapacitation.

Ex-Cultists of Reddit, when was the moment you realized you didn’t want to be a member anymore?

When they finally showed us what a shoggoth actually looks like. I was like “Nope!” and handed in my membership card right then!

Why can the positive sign can be written as -(-) but the negative sign can’t be written as (+)(+)?

Because (+)(+) looks like boobs and would distract mathematicians from their work.

How close are you to becoming a wizard?

I just need to eat one more broom.

If you’re the spouse of a crewmember on the USS Enterprise 1701-D, and you don’t do science work, what the hell do you do all day on a starship while your spouse is working?

Counselor Troi!

Is it true that breathing nighttime air will cause the lymph glands to fill with pus?

Nurse! He’s out of bed again!

Which is it, ketchup or catsup?

It’s tomato sauce you heathen!

What is your most disgusting poop story?

Once upon a time there was a poop who worked hard, saved his money and bought a beautiful house. But a real estate developer wanted to knock down the poop’s house and build a shopping mall. The poop refused to sell, but the developer bribed a Senator to seize the poop’s house under eminent domain laws. The poop tried to sue, but the real estate developer bribed the judge, and the poop ended up losing everything.

What dinosaur do you find the most attractive?

I looove the sexy neck of the brachiosaurus.

Why are restaurant chefs always so angry and aggressive?

Neural trichinosis from prolonged exposure to raw meat.

What’s the best way to get earwax out of your ear?

A properly trained earwig.

If u take the sun and place it 1 cm from ur cannabis plant leaves, and project a ice beam in between so that it would neutralise the heat from the sun. would ur cannabis grow super fast?

I am a qualified scientician and cannot honestly see any reason why not.

What is the history of Perth, Western Australia?

A British ship commanded by Captain Stirling and John Roe crashed into Rottnest Island in 1902. They built a raft out of quokkas and paddled their way to the mainland where they found the Swan river. They then got into a fight about the length of Roe’s “member” (he insisted it was 7 inches, hence his nickname “Septimus” whereas Stirling insisted it was 6.5 at best) and split up, with Stirling establishing Perth and Roe founding Freemantle.

Roe’s “special friend” Paddy Hannan discovered gold at Carousel in 1910 leading to the gold rush, during which Lang Hangcock built London Court and Barracks arch. C.Y.O’Connor built a pipeline to Kalgoorlie in the 1920s as tax dodge, but then committed suicide when he lost a bet with Lord Forrest over the annual Freemantle vs Perth quokka soccer derby.

The years 1930 to 1994 were stricken from the record, and as a result no one is really sure who’s to blame for Mirrabooka. Nothing must else happened since then except a train station was built at Thornlie, provoking much celebration.

What are some fun and illegal things to do as a teenager?

Teach people about Jury Nullification.

Apart from open windows and doors, how can spiders/insects get inside houses?

Various species of arachnids have been shown to be able to teleport short distances.

You are selected to be a curator of culture for a space ark bound for Alpha Centari. You have 2TB of data storage, what do you send?

I’d find a list of the 100 most critically acclaimed television shows in history, create a folder named for each of them, and fill every single one with the entire run of Lavern and Shirley.

Then set up a hidden folder named The Wire and fill it with Patrick Swayze’s The Renegades

Is Gerard Way actually scared of teenagers?

I would be. Have you seen teenagers?

You obtain the ability to mimic the voice of one person perfectly. How do you use your new power?

David Lander. I’d call him up at odd hours, claim to be Squiggy, and accuse him of stealing my identity.

What is the most pointless thing you’ve ever purchased?

A sphere.

What is typical pay for a member of the Canadian Reserved Armed Forces?

Five loonies a fortnight and all the maple syrup you can gargle.

What bands should tour together based on their name alone, and what is the tour called?

Ace of Base, Mates of State and Bonnie Raitt. The Ace State Base Raitt Mate Tour.

Is anything interesting happening in Britain at the moment?

A man has just thrown up on the pavement in Wardour Street, Soho, London. A small dog is licking it up.

What is the best way to cook meth?

With fava beans and a nice chianti.

What can Donald Trump’s hair be compared to?

A normal haircut. Poorly.

What makes sleeping pills work?

The drug companies keep thousands of children locked up and strapped to beds in special warehouses in third world countries and never allow them to sleep. Every ten minutes a loud, unexpected sound is played to keep them awake, and an automated scraping device collects the “sand” from the corners of their eyes. This sand is then processed and compressed into sleeping pills.

Can Norton Internet Security protect a computer on the deep web?

Norton Internet Security can’t even protect a computer on Animal Crossing.

How would you ruin the country if you ran it?

Quickly and irreversibly.

A time capsule is being made to be opened in 100 years. What would be your personal contribution to it?

A pair of safety scissors with a label attached reading “You will know what to do with these”.

Who terrorizes the terrorists?

The Coast Guard?

What’s the most outlandish Hollywood secret you’ve heard of?

Richard Gere once swallowed so much semen that they had to pump gerbils out of his rib cage!

What’s the weirdest thing you know about whales?

Whales are excellent at poker, but have trouble finding waterproof cards that are big enough for them to easily hold.

What is the most disgusting thing you’ve seen at a music festival?

This filthy moron climbed up on the stage and started screaming incomprehensibly at the crowd.

I think someone said his name was “Kid Rock”.

What is the song “Sugar we’re going down” about?

A sea captain who refuses to curse.

What do you not understand?

The point of fingers.

What would you choose between becoming the most powerful person in the country, or saving lives of all children in internet cafes worldwide right now?

Are you threatening children in internet cafes?

Men who put your hands down your pants, why do you do it?

You want we should put our hands down other men’s pants?

If guns could make any sound other than the sound they currently do when they fire, which sound would be the funniest?

Squiggy saying “Hello”

Does New Zealand exist?

Yes, but it’s full of damn, dirty hobbits.

What’s an item you’d find in a grey market?

Tax exempt whizz-fizz

Do you think there’s a correlation between Muslims in the media and the popularity of Peppa Pig?

Well I do now.

Any good website startup ideas?

Online ordered, drone delivered, instant buckets of shrimp.

What are some shitty things that Wal Mart does that the average person probably doesn’t know about?

Store Chinese soldiers in their basements.

How would you react if your girlfriend was a warlock?

Well I wouldn’t lend her any money for a start.

You happen upon an abandoned semi-truck on the side of the road. You investigate, finding that the truck is full of mannequins…. all with your face. What do you do?

Scream “Mama, put the coins on my eyes ’cause I sure don’t believe what I am seeing!”

Why men feel hot but women feel cold in the same office?

Because all men are spiritually affiliated with Satan, and psychospiritual feedback causes heat from the fires of hell to creep back along the connection, keeping us warm.

What would you do with a gallon of Xenomorph blood?

Shots!

Why are hot dogs called hot dogs?

Because they’re made from black market dachshunds.

How would the world be if communists followed Groucho Marx instead of Karl Marx?

Duck soup for the proletariat.

I’m 18 years old. What the hell is ‘Beetlejuice’ that aged folk speak of?

It’s a star in the constellation Orion. If you say it three times Neil Degrasse Tyson comes out of your mirror and kills you with a billhook.

How many votes do conjoined twins get in Federal Elections?

None. The 17th amendment prevents “carnival freaks, convicted felons and members of the vile Free-Masons” from voting.

This is How the World Ends

According to the always entertaining and informative Jason Colavito there are people out there (OK, one person) basing their view of human history on not just a literal interpretation of the Bible, and not just a literal interpretation of the books left out of the Bible, but on game supplements for Vampire: The Masquerade. Which they apparently think are genuine historical documents.

That’s it. I’m out. Build me a rocketship because I’m heading to Mars to start human society over again.

Pyramid Cake of Sadness

The stupidity of the masses knows no bounds…

I don’t know what’s sadder…

1: People have only just realised that the signs of the zodiac are 2,000 odd years out of date.

2: People are freaking out that their zodiac sign has ‘changed’ (apparently a lot of them are worried that their personality is going to alter).

3: People actually believe astrology has any connection to reality at all – as opposed to being a load of complete horseshit.

(In the interest of full disclosure I should state that I’m a Pisces. The traits of Pisceans include being born in February/March. No, wait, that’s the only trait of Pisceans…)