On the Diplodocus

Pagan Dinosaurs of the Cretaceous Period

The diplodocus has long been known as the most religious of all the dinosaur groups. While it was long known as an atheist, its scientific name means “to see,” and is derived from a Greek word meaning “to discern,” a reference to the way the fossilised bones in its skull appear to pick up light from a nearby star as it glides across the sky. It’s even speculated that this ability helped it survive the extinction event that wiped out many dinosaurs and ultimately ushered in the modern era of the dinosaur world. There are some, however, who argue that Diplodocus was an especially devout member of the religious group as it was the only dinosaur to be a complete member of the group from birth, rather than being merely a juvenile that was left to its own devices. This would explain why the animal had so many other “religious” characteristics, including the unique habit of sitting on a rock and holding its tongue out, which was also believed to be the means by which it communed with its divine creator, the Great Architect of the Universe.

The fierce atheism of the triceratops is not surprising, as the species’ thick skull and neck are covered with thick, bony plates. Some experts have speculated that the thick plate might have allowed the triceratops to hold its breath during deep dives, but this remains unproven. Another theory, based on a study by Dr. Jonathan Caulkins, suggests that the thick plates may have helped the animal with its ability to move its heavy body around by stretching the neck, which was so large that it could extend up to 30 feet during the breeding season. This could have allowed the triceratops to reach heights of up to 35 feet in flight.

Among other flying dinosaurs are the plesiosaur, the pterodactyl, the saber-tooth cat and, surprisingly, the ornithomimid, which was discovered in North America by a team of researchers led by paleontologist Michael S. Currie. Religious motivations, as one would expect, are not confined to this group either. In fact, the oldest of these ancient flying reptiles are known to have been some 300 million years older than the last dinosaur to be discovered.

The Vatican has been the site of considerable controversy over the age of the world’s first flying reptile, which some claim was an adult tyrannosaurus rex, which would have been about 160 feet long and 10 feet tall, and that is now thought to have been a member of the family of plesiosaurs, of which only one species remains.

The opinions of St Paul concerning ‘Thunder Lizards’ are also cited in the ‘Acts of Peter,’ a work of the ninth century by St. Ignatius, who quotes from the same writings of St. Paul (see below). The first dinosaur-like animal known to exist is known as ‘Pyrghisaurus lindermanensis’ and is described by St. Basil as being about 5 to 10 feet long and 2 feet wide, and weighing 100 to 120 pounds, with the skull being a bit like that of a horse. This species was described by St. Clement of Alexandria in his book ‘On the Genesis of the Creation’, written in the second century, when the first dinosaurs were thought to have lived.

Whatever the case, we can rest assured that religious dinosaurs like these are a thing of the past.

Things you might have Missed

What do you think about dropshipping?
The most efficient way to get boots on the ground from orbit.

You get to choose a supernatural creature or animal from a myth and it now exists in reality. Which one would you choose?
TSUCHINOKO REAL!!

How would you catch a Tsuchinoko?
Don’t catch the tsuchinoko! He need to rest!

What’s the meaning of ‘LDR’?
Shorthand for the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Robloxers.

What’s the best dog breed?
The common or garden Dachshund.

What can you add to Monopoly to make it more interesting?
Knife fighting!

To all the Disneyland freaks out there, why do you love Disneyland so much?
The leyline nexus under the carousel.

If magic was real, what spell would you try to learn first?
Accio BUM

What fictional food item would you definitely want to eat?
Grain-fed Pikachu steaks.

What would you do if you were a ghost?
Float around the White House, playing with Donald’s hair.

What state do you live in?
Constant terror.

If Jesus was a last minute candidate to be nominated for the Presidential election this year, what kind of ‘dirt’ would the two parties dig up and spread to stop him from winning?
He murdered two children, struck their parents blind and released dangerous predatory animals into an urban area! (The Infancy Gospel of Thomas is wild).

If Trump could push a button that would kill 500,000 Americans but would secure victory in the next election for himself, what do you think he would do?
Push it repeatedly, just to be sure.

Why do you post nudes online?
When I posted them on my mail box the police came around and had a long talk to me 🙁

What is your take on the end of the world tomorrow? Do you believe it? Is it just a wierd coincidence?
If the world actually ends tomorrow I’ll give you a dollar.

Imagine archeologists finding a perfect duplicate of the Lincoln Memorial in Australia dating 2000 years old. What would the reaction be?
I imagine Rio Tinto would be falling over themselves to blow it up.

For non-UK people: what do you think “fairy liquid” might be?
A substance used to preserve plastic bottles until they are required for Blue Peter craft sessions.

What we can do to grow tall after 18?
Develop a pituitary tumor

How did you lose your virginity?
It fell down the back of the sofa.

How would you react to waking up and seeing an old skeleton in your room?
I’d wonder what it did with all the young skeletons that should be there.

People who have slept in parks, what advice would you give to survive the night?
Wear something orange to avoid predation by the mole men.

What would be the difference between selling your soul to the devil or selling to an angle?
Depends on the angle. Anything over 112° will rip you right off.

That’s bullshit! 146° is honest, it just gets so much undeserved prejudice!
That’s just Society for the Advancement of Obtuse Angles propaganda!

What is the correct plural form of Manbearpig?
Manbearswine.

What’s the best thing about Shub Niggurath cookies?
They’re R’lyeh good and come 1000 to the box!

Anything else?
They’ll get you grinning from Iä to Iä!

How mentally stable are you?
I’m crazy as a loon!

How do you feel about the 2012 end of the world date being recalculated to next week?
I for one welcome our bloodthirsty new Jaguar Gods!

What is Donald Trump’s weight?
It varies depending on how many immigrant babies he swallowed at lunch.

What part of your body would you cybernetically advance?
My throat, so I could sing like Bobby Darin!

What’s the easiest way to be famous?
Burn down some great public building.

What movie caught you off guard?
Young Frankenstein got into my blind spot, clubbed me over the head and stole my wallet 🙁

What if we all adapted the Finland education system?
Drinking heavily and knife fighting?

What’s the first thing you do when you get into your hotel room?
Roll to detect hidden panels and doors.

What is the most scary fact you know about religion?
It was once seriously suggested that the rings of Saturn were Jesus’s foreskin.

If you were a bag of drugs, where would you hide in your house?
Nice try, DEA!

Where do rental car companies find these things they call windshield wiper blades? Why do they install them on every vehicle? Do they pay extra for these things that smear water like oil slick across the window?
They’re actually a kind of Romanian pasta which can be imported by the mile for tax credits.

With malls closing and retails moving online, what are some positive ways society could use those giant empty buildings?
Hobo Battle Arenas!

What’s cracking today dudes?
The facade I use to conceal my inner turmoil.

Who owns the money in public fountains?
By ancient treaty all money deposited in wells or fountains belongs to the Mole Men.

What would happen to the world if money wasn’t our mode of currency?
You’d get five chickens to the sheep and like it!

What would happen, if Trump got a time travel machine?
He’d waddle over a butterfly and next thing we know the Earth would be ruled by molluscs.

Wouldn’t that be an improvement?
Over him, certainly.

Why has Tom Cruise stopped aging?
Back in 1990 he was selected as the Chosen One of Scientology and the Body-Thetan of L. Ron Hubbard was grafted onto his soul in a dark and powerful occult ritual held deep beneath Mann’s Chinese Theatre. As such he can not only stop ageing at will, but also holds the position of a Bishop within the Church of Mars which gives him the right to drive over intergalactic walruses with a steamroller.

When did it start being DM’s instead of PM’s?
When Boris put on his robe and wizard hat

Dancing is now illegal, how does society change as a result?
Kevin Bacon becomes the hero we both need and deserve

What do you think of Sardinia?
Not a big fan of the cheese

What makes the Pokémon franchise such a success?
Pikachu sex appeal!

How do you feel, the shop owners when protestants broke up your business?
I wasn’t aware we were suddenly in 16th century France.

A curse has made one of your parents switch bodies with someone you find extremely attractive you must have sex with one of them or they both die. Do you let them die or do you have sex with one and if so which one?
What a strange scenario.

What are your thoughts on “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin?
The best song ever written on the subject of Satan’s toolshed.

Does it drive girls crazy that they don’t have dicks and why?
Sigmund? Is that you?

How do you eat Ice cream?
With enthusiasm!

What’s one food you wish didn’t exist and why?
London Flesh Pie. Hern meat should not be served in paste form!

What are cats doing when they stare blankly into the void?
They’re consulting the Akashic Records. Of course they never actually do anything with what they learn because that would take effort and they’re cats.

You now have your own personal Jesus, what do you make him do?
There are far too many fig trees around here…

My fellow Reptilians, what do you think about humans and their actions?
Their disgusting internal gestation process makes them far too attached to their offspring.

How do you talk to women that you want to have a relationship with without coming across as a simp?
Step one: Stop using terms like ‘simp’

If you found a death note, would you use it? And if so, how would you use it?
I would write “Christopher Walken” on it. Christopher Walken is immune to all death magic, and the resulting thaumaturgical feedback would destroy the death note for all time.

What do you think about Toronto?
I’m from Winnipeg you idiot!

What clothes do you own that make you feel unstoppable?
My top hat and cape. When people see that, they know I know what I’m doing!

How would you defeat Siren Head if you ever encountered him?
I’d just team up with him to release a mixtape

Do you find Mormons extremely attractive? Why?
Their teeth are so shiny!

What skeletons do you have in your closet?
I’ve got Ned Kelly’s skull around here somewhere

Why are you acting like this?
It’s in my nature.

Which voice actor looks exactly like character they play as?
Danny DeVito is in fact half man, half goat.

What would you want to see in the Percy Jackson remake?
Plot and characters that actually bear some resemblance to those in the Percy Jackson books.

What are teenagers of today missing out on that teenagers of the 1990’s didn’t?
Dwayne Wayne flip-up sunglasses

What’s it called when a man is attracted to lesbians?
Wishful thinking

People who use the Deep Web, why do you do it? Do you go for illegal activities or are there other benefits?
I go there for the Pink Rooms. They’re like Red Rooms, but they’re just full of hedgehogs and you can watch the hedgehogs and tell people to feed them when they look hungry.

People who put ketchup in water, why?
It’s cheaper than putting ketchup in mercury

What do you think The Matrix 4 will be like?
Unnecessary

Have you given praise to the Lizard King lately? Why or why not?
As a member of the Reformed Faith I offer praise to His Holiness incarnated in the form of Mr Mojo Risin’

What are your bad habits?
Well Frodo keeps breaking into the hole next door and stealing… Sorry, I misread…

What demons haunt your every waking moment?
Duke Saleos keeps sending me pictures of his crocodile. I’ve seen your damn crocodile Saleos!!!

What’s the standard price for a dwarf escort in your country?
Depends on the number of Dwarves and how heavily armed they are. A single beardling with a pickaxe will set you back 5 silver pieces a day. A team of five experienced tunnel fighters with steel link armour and double headed axes could cost as much as 150 gold pieces a day.

Unable to eat diarrhea?
I thought that was only a problem for parakeets?

What do you think is the hardest part of being a woman?
Giving’ all your love to just one man

What is your current view of the United States?
A fine country run by lunatics.

If you had the power to be invisible, what would you use your ability for?
Ruining Donald Trump’s sleep patterns.

What decade’s fashion aged the worst?
The 1660s were pretty rough

What do you think God thought when he was putting you together?
What he was going to do when he knocked off for the day.

How do you judge a person?
HARSHLY!

How do you kill a superhero for good, for real, without rebirths, etc?
Mess up their copyrights

What should a 20 year old do?
Get off my damn lawn!

What does the muffin man look like?
The Muffin Man is merely the three dimensional projection into our plane of a multidimensional horror, the true nature of which is incomprehensible to human minds. You may know the Muffin Man slightly – pray you never know him more.

If you were to invent a new genre of music, what would it be?
Not sure what to call it, but it would consist of the sound of heavy industry overlaid with deafening screams and Gregorian chants.

How do you get a baby to stop crying without a pacifier?
Whiskey!

Who will be the first man to climb Olympus Mons?
Abraham Lincoln already did it. That’s why they crowned him King of the Martians.

What are some types of things needed to be used to evaporate gravity in a multi variable sphere containing atmospheric stasis for habitable transportation to the next star and back faster than the speed of light?
A lot – and I mean A LOT – of weed.

If Natives can control animals and turn into them or whatever then how did we wipe them out so easy?
Old episodes of Super Friends are not actual history.

What is the scariest type of spider?
A sexy spider!

Why are you gay?
Because Seth Putnam told me I was.

Bob Marley shot the sheriff but who shot the deputy?
What if – and bear with me here – the Deputy shot himself!

Do you know how queen Elizabeth can live so long?
Spite. If she dies then Charles becomes King and she’s not about to let that happen.

Why is your mummy saxy?
I wish I knew. He keeps playing that thing 24/7, even when his bandages get caught in the keys.

What is your favorite type of pie?
The Jester’s Chicken Parmigiana pie was the greatest culinary achievement of our age, no matter what Justin McElroy may think!

You now have 2 fully functioning arms on your right side how does this effect your life?
GENESTEALER HYBRID COSPLAY!!!

How do you like your oatmeal?
Removed from my sight and thrown in the garbage where it belongs

You are the Japanese emperor. How do you save 2020 Olympics?
Summon Mecha-Godzilla! (The Japanese Emperor can do that, right?)

What prevents the U.S. government from abusing power or resources and becoming as corrupt as any dictatorship?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

What possession has been with you the longest?
Pazuzu has been hanging around in my brain for the last 28 years. I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE PAZUZU!!

If you could be an unmatched master at one of these and an utter fool at the others when it comes to huggin’, snuggin’, tuggin’, suggin’, or fuggin’, which would you pick and why?
I’m not even sure I know what “snuggin'” is.

Who is the most evil human being to ever live?
Donald Peter Keelley of Unit 4, 168 South Street, Brighton, East Sussex, United Kingdom. Were the press not too terrified to publish news of his vile excesses the world would recoil in a state of horror never before imagined.

Why is there no theatre in America?
Thomas Jefferson hated actors after he lost half his slaves to one in a poker tournament, so slipped a clause into the Constitution outlawing all theatre. Everyone at the Continental Congress was too hungover to notice until it was too late, much to the annoyance of Abraham Baldwin who was planning to perform his own version of Hamlet as soon as he got back to Savannah (he claimed to have “improved upon the originale grately”).

What do you know more about than anyone else in the world?
Gerry, the bisexual gnome who lives in my garage.

With apologies to Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan…

On dense and rich worlds near the galaxy’s core,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

Dwelt short, bearded bikers forever at war,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

And though all these bikers were terribly small,
A tyranid hive fleet devoured them all,
So if you want some Squats, then you’ll get bugger all,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The tale of the Bloodtide is one you should know,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The brave Battle Sisters held out ‘gainst the foe,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The Grey Knights raced up as fast as they could run,
But they wanted some blood, so they slaughtered the nuns,
And Khorne thought the whole thing was terribly fun,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

The Ultramarines you could never besiege,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

Their brave Chapter Master’s your spiritual liege,
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

He’s Marneus Calgar, and he’ll never rest,
Of all Chapter Masters he’s clearly the best,
But why does the dude have a dinosaur desk?
Warhammer, Warhammer, Warhammer,

Important Advice for Humans

What has the world forgotten?

James Ensor, Belgium’s famous painter.

What’s worse than a cockroach landing on your face?

Awaking one morning from uneasy dreams to find yourself transformed in your bed into a gigantic insect.

What song haunts you?

“Love Will Conquer All” by Lionel Richie has been lurking in my basement rattling a length of chain and making strange moaning sounds since spring of 1997.

Who is the real life ‘Frank Underwood’ in your country?

No politician in my country is even half as intelligent as Frank Underwood.

There are three rabbits in a cage. Three girls ask to be given a rabbit and each recieve one. Yet there is still one rabbit in the cage. How?

Rabbits breed really fast.

What happened to Quiznos?

They sold their souls to the Spong Monkeys and never recovered.

What’s the correct way to pronounce “Benedict Cumberbatch”?

“Peng-wing”

You are in charge of lodging and boarding in the afterlife. Who would you bunk together in the same room?

Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, Kim il Sung and Chairman Mao would have to share one small room with three sets of bunk beds. It would also have the afterlife equivalent of webcams so everyone can enjoy the ensuing hi-jinks.

Which is the best planned crime in history?

The one no one knows about.

Flat earthers and Alien conspiracy theorists get into a fist fight at the bar. Who wins?

The rest of us.

If you had a giraffe that you needed to hide, where would you hide it?

Among many other giraffes

What makes a salad a salad?

Their relationship with Ssendam and Ygorl.

What do you think about Dubai city?

The modern Babylon. An unsustainable fever dream floating on a sea of oil. When the oil runs dry, Dubai will fall back into the desert, becoming a haunt of jackals and an abode of owls.

How much would it cost to go to the moon and smoke up?

Depends whether you want to come back or not.

How do you eat a creme egg?

Not at all. They are gross.

Aspiring Cult leaders, what is your sales pitch to get me to drink your Flavor-aid?

In my cult you get genuine Kool-aid!

What is the happiest thing you’ve ever seen at a wedding?

I went to a wedding at a Llama farm. The Llamas seemed pretty content.

Every day a former United States President starting with George Washington tries to kill you. What is your survival strategy?

Resurrect John Wilkes Booth!

Why is the earth a circle?

It’s an oblate spheroid you cretin!

When does 1 + 1 not equal 2?

For sufficiently small values of 1.

You win two metric tons of shrimp. What do you do?

SHRIMP!
HEAVEN!
NOW!

Would you accept the whole world going metric if the whole world drove on the right side of the road in return?

But if we have to drive on the right, how am I to strike oncoming motorists with my cane?

What’s the most evil thing you’ve done for a laugh?

I shot a man in Reno just to laugh at him while he died.

If you were to be an insect, what insect would you want to be?

A Lord Howe Island Land Lobster.

Why is Donkey Kong called Donkey Kong?

Because “Ass Kong” wouldn’t be acceptable in the American market.

Have you been to the Dark Web? What did you see?

It’s wild man! There’s this dog which does circus tricks, and a trained gorilla, and all of Donald Trump’s emails and you can sit and read them all you want and there’s this guy who comes around with a drinks cart and he’ll make you the best Long Island Ice Tea you’ve ever had! I’m going back on Thursday!

Why is the murder of people aged 10 ten to 35 that believe walking sticks are an acceptable fashion accessory illegal?

Because roughly one in five cane wielders are secretly experts in the martial art of Bartitsu, and the death toll among those trying to (however justifiably) murder them was completely unsustainable.

What’s the weirdest food you’ve seen someone bring to work or school?

This guy bought in a slice of meat placed between two slices of bread, smeared with some kind of grease, which he called a “Sand-Witch”. He’s clearly insane!

If you and your crush go to different schools but text a lot, what does it mean?

It means that they are an avatar of the dreaded snake god Yig and are planning to sacrifice you to their million children at the next equinox!

You are granted the right to make a single rule change to ONE sport of your choosing. Which sport do you choose, what rule do you implement?

Baseball. When a batter strikes out they must bow (from the waist) to the catcher and loudly exclaim “THANK YOU FOR MY LESSON NOBLE GRANDFATHER!”

If you were given one thousand acres of land that you didn’t need to pay taxes on but couldn’t sell, what would you do with it?

Build a worm store.

If you were stuck in the world of Candyland with Kim Jong Un and Rihanna, and the objective to ascend is to slurp, how would?

I don’t understand a word you just said.

People in the UK, anyone know what that big ball of light outside is?

It’s just the Orfordness Lighthouse!

What’s the worst name for a baby?

Osama von Hitlerstalin

People who have spent time in a psych ward, what was your experience?

It’s all you can eat prescription drugs like Thorazine, and Lithium, and electroshock treatments with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and life is beautiful all the time, and you’re happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats!

Aliens are just a cover story – what’s the real horrifying truth about Area 51?

It’s where they keep the things recovered from the vaults under Wewelsburg castle at the end of World War II.

What annoying habbits do you have that drive people crazy ?

Well, Frodo keeps pulling these really stupid practical jokes on everyone and… oh, sorry, I misread…

Who is actually unironically excited for the live action Sonic movie?

Nobody?

If Shrek was real, where on Earth would he live?

The Pinsk Marshes of Eastern Europe. The talking donkey is obviously down to contamination from Chernobyl.

What Teletubby are you?

Gulp-Gulp, the one who was exiled from Teletubbyland for continually screening hardcore vore.

How do you pronounce scone?

“Doge”

The Devil has come to town, and will give you everything you dream of if you defeat three mythological creatures – a dragon, Medusa and the Minotaur – using only one object. Failure means death. What object do you choose?

I’d choose a copy of Das Kapital, convert them to Communism and make them rise up against the bourgeoisie.

What’s the best type of cheese?

Cheese made from the milk of the mates of the goats that pull Thor’s chariot!

What are some stereotypes of the people who live in Wisconsin?

They’re all named Jon Jonson and work at a lumber mill.

If you could visit any one person through out history, in the future or past, who would you choose?

Martin Luther. I’d paint my face red and jump out of a bush at him, sounding an air horn and yelling “BLALALALALALALA!!!! I AM THE DEVIL!!!!”

You have the power to change colour of anything in the universe. What change would you make?

All cows are now offensively fluorescent pink!

When a website says it uses cookies, what exactly does that mean?

It means a girl scout is watching everything you do on it.

What’s a really funny Spoonerism?

A toast to the queer old Dean!

What comes to mind when you hear “Singapore”?

Humidity and a government that borders on Fascism.

How hasn’t AOL gone out of business?

They continue to reap huge profits by recycling the plastic from their warehouses full of free trial CDs. Current estimates say the supply will run dry in mid June 2064, so sell your AOL shares before then!

What culture is the best?

Subba Culture!

You have to escape the FBI, where will you hide?

The J. Edgar Hoover building. They’d never expect to find me right under their noses!

How will you get inside?

I’ll pretend to be a pizza delivery guy, then I’d hide out in the drywall.

What do you think Alien feces would look like?

What do you think they’ve been putting in McDonalds apple pies for years?

What are some important developments a civilisation must achieve to be considered advanced ?

The Fruit Corner Yogurt Packet.

What does fart power do?

Propel Chinese philosophers across lakes.

What’s the best way to get white teeth after years of neglecting them ?

Follow someone with nice teeth into an alley and repeatedly punch them in the mouth.

What do you usually carry in your glovebox?

The Jade Monkey

Time travel becomes common: what new sports are now possible?

Dinosaur rodeo!

What is the least appropriate time to do finger quotes?

I swear to tell “the truth” and nothing but “the truth”, so help me “god”…

Based on conversations you’ve had or overheard, what are some major plot points of a TV show you’ve never watched?

There is a nerd, and possibly some other nerds, and the first nerd likes to say “bazinga” for presumably nerdy reasons.

A human with integrated prosthetic limbs or organs is called a cyborg. What is a human called that has no natural organic matter left and is fully converted from the top of the head to bottom of toes?

A Senior Magos of the Adeptus Mechanicus.

When someone goes to bed, doesn’t that mean that they, like, die for a couple of hours?

I think you might be doing sleeping wrong…

What happens to dead grizzly bears?

A team of black bear funeral directors take care of all the details to spare their relatives.

What’s the perfect fast food order?

Extra Surly Chicken with a side of Lung Puppies.

If by killing others you increased your health and lifespan, what changes do you think there would be to the world as we know it?

There would be no need for orphanages.

Who would get to kill the orphans?

Why, the rich of course!

What is the most likely diagnosis for the Sheldon Cooper character on The Big Bang Theory?

Terrible writing.

You can remove up to a total of one minute of footage from any movie in order to make it as confusing as possible, what do you remove from which movie?

Star Wars: A New Hope. I’d remove Luke making the shot and blowing up the Death Star, so there’s just an inconclusive space battle, then everyone goes home and gets medals.

What’s your least favorite state in the US?

Idaho. It knows what it did!

The Nazis are back, how does the public react?

Vote for them, apparently.

What’s the weirdest rumour that you have heard?

That there’s a temple in Pakistan where they crush the pituitary gland of orphaned babies so they grow up as mentally impaired ‘rat children’ who can raise money for the temple by begging.

How can someone watch The Big Bang theory online?

I’m still wondering how anyone can watch the Big Bang Theory full stop.

To where do the doves flock?

To the Hobby Shop where they do buy flock.

What do you think of Momo?

Back in my day Momo was the Missouri Monster and that’s the way we liked it!

What do you think of The Process Church of the Final Judgment?

The Church Universal and Triumphant have better tunes.

What is the proper etiquette when you have diarrhea and you go into a stall but someone is already in the stall next to you?

Shout “AT HIS INFERNAL MAJESTY’S REQUEST!!” then let fly.

What’s a Pokémon design that hasn’t been made yet that you would love to see in a new game?

It starts as Glenn Beck, evolves into Alan Jones, then explodes.

How old should you be to drink Kombucha?

Sixty-five. At that point you’ve lived a decently long life so it won’t matter if the local Hippy’s festering clump of fermenting bacteria has been contaminated with salmonella.

How many times should you say “Chugga” before you finish it off with  “Choo Choo?”

Ten times. No more, no less!

People who have eyes looking two directions, can they actually see two angels or do they have normal vision?

Yes, but only Nathaniel and Azoriel and they’re pretty crappy Angels.

You were just elected President of the United States. What’s the first policy you’re going to enact?

Puerto Rico is now a state, but to save on flag money Mississippi is now part of Cuba.

You can dispense any two liquids from each of your two index fingers for the rest of your life with no limitation. What two do you choose, and why?

That vodka with gold flakes in it – so I can filter out the gold and be rich – and squid ink – so I can Zoidberg out of any awkward situations.

Why not just liquid gold?

Sometimes a man likes to get drunk.

What’s the worst thing to see in the woods alone?

Every bear that ever there was.

What do you imagine life on the International Space Station would be like if they all had a pet cat?

Messy and short.

If you were to insult someone, but couldn’t use any cuss words, what would you say?

“You, sir, are a pathetic excuse for a Hotel Manager!”

If you could have one extra body part (that fully functions), what would it be and why?

An extra heart would be great not just as a backup, but also for Dr Who cosplay!

If you were the Roman Emperor and the Empire was at the brink of collapse, what would you do?

Poison my mother, sleep with my sister and marry my horse!

Who killed Gambino boss Frank Cali?

Personally I suspect that a Gambado killed the Gambino.

Where did the pineapple come from?

When a pine tree and a bromeliad love each other very much…

Who is tracking the FBI?

The Coast Guard?

Why is propane stored above ground, while petrol and diesel are stored underground?

Storing propane underground just attracts molemen.

What did we build this city on?

Proletarian Toy-oy-oy-oilll!

What would happen if you hid in Disneyland overnight?

You would not survive. At night the staff retreat into the tunnels, seal the doors and  let the real Mickey Mouse out.

What are your thoughts on A.I. ?

Abominable Intelligence is an affront to the Omnissiah! I declare you a Heretek! Report for servitor conversion at once!

Who discovered gene cascades?

Doctor Gene Cascade. They named them after him.

What are your morals and alignment?

Chaotic-Depressed

Teef is a showerthought. Try figure it out but no sense bent made. Explain it to me dear?

Put down the bong and go to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.

What would be nearly impossible to accomplish with no light at all?

Painting a picture of a lovely horse

What do you wish for when you see a shooting star?

To get with child a mandrake root

What’s something your opposing political party doesn’t understand about you?

I will vote for policies based on science and basic human decency.

What would you be doing right now if you had the power to go invisible?

Running around inside the Whitehouse with an air horn.

What does playing basketball have to do with being tall?

Thomas Jefferson had it written into the Bill of Rights that “only those of six feete tall or more” would be allowed to “partake of the game of Ball-in-the-Baskete at the professional levell”. The rest of the founding fathers had had a big night and by the time they sobered up and actually read Jefferson’s submission it was too late to remove it.

What would you do if you were a vampire?

Invest in term deposits.

Where’s Lola when you need her?

In a club down in North Soho.

What do you call people who hate the imperial system but prefer expressing their height in feet and inches?

Australian

Cats are assholes, what’s yours done?

My cat, or my asshole?

It’s 3am, what are you crying over this time?

The existence of Matchbox Twenty

Do you have any advice for someone going on the dark web for the first time?

Don’t take any wooden bitcoins

What is the worst part about having a penis?

I’d say it’s awfully nice to have a penis!

What are the legal issues of setting up a small bear trap in your vehicle?

Depends on the local population of small bears.

Which book has the worst movie adaptation?

There was this TV movie called ‘A Wizard of Earthsea’. I presume they paid Ursula K. Le Guin to use the name for some random script a producer’s 12 year old scribbled up.

You’ve won the lottery to officially choose new names for all the planets, what are they now called?

Mercure Hotel
Weenus
Dirt
Vulcan
Big Boy
Ring Boy
Blue Boy
Blue Boy Two, Electric Boogaloo

What about Ceres, Eris, Makemake and Haumea?

Brunch
Breakfast
Dinner
Spiro

What is the scariest monster you can imagine?

An oversized, mentally challenged oompa-loompa with access to a nuclear arsenal.

What are your thoughts on magic and the occult?

They’re good for making a buck!

Why are you sooo uggly lool!?

I was born this way. And don’t call me Lool.

If you could go back in time and give blueprints to an invention before it was even thought of, What would it be and who do you give it to?

I’d give Hitler detailed blueprints for a Fitbit and tell him it’s a super weapon that will defeat the Soviets.

What year were you born?

The year of the great drought, the passing of the Bird Man, and the dawn of the blood plague

What would you recommend doing in Prague?

Golem hunt!

What job exists because we are idiots?

Homeopathist

For one day, all animals obey you and do your bidding- what do you do in those 24 hours to make the most of this power?

Every raven within 100 miles of Donald Trump flies to him and just sits there, silently staring.

How would our world be changed if all the religion of the world were removed and never existed?

We would be living in golden paradise cities floating above the land on clouds of pure reason, children would compete in organised team logic contests and Richard Dawkins would be king!

If Tuesday are for Tacos, then what are Wednesdays for?

Water closets

What exactly do stores do when the power goes out?

Depends on the store. At Walmart the floor managers organise the staff into hunting packs to catch the largest customer possible, who will then be sacrificed to the spirit of Sam Walton in an attempt to restore the power.

Would you tell anyone if you very clearly saw a UFO, and had zero doubt about what it was?

If I had zero doubt about what it was then it wouldn’t be an unidentified flying object

What is a video game that can’t be turned into a movie?

Uwe Boll has shown us that no such thing exists.

What do you like (or hate) about eating at Panda Express?

That they got rid of the tanks where you could choose what panda you want to eat 🙁

What is the end goal of the Republican Party in the United States?

For all Republican politicians to be rich as God

Who is the sexiest woman alive on this planet?

Professor Alice Roberts

Why do some larger buildings have stones/pebbles layering the top of their roof?

It’s intended to block the signals from the Government mind control satellites (and stop the roof from blowing away).

What is your favorite part of The Matrix?

The scene just after they get Neo out of the tank where he and Morpheus bond over their shared sadness that they have no hair to braid.

How do you raise children? Would you recommend a book?

Yes I would. Having a book is infinitely preferable to raising children.

How would you kill a giant bearlion that was resistant to bullets?

Challenge its masculinity until it falls into despair and can’t go on.

How did you realize you are not the normal person you thought you were?

I never considered myself to be normal.

Horrible Warhammer 40k Memes

Sometimes I just can’t help myself…

That's a Paddlin'
Oh, you better believe that’s a Paddlin’!

 

It's GellAr - With an 'A' you idiots!
It’s GellAr – With an ‘A’ you idiots!

 

Warmaster Horace
Warmaster Horace

 

The Primarch Leman Ross
The Primarch Leman Ross (Thanks to Ryan for inspiration)

 

Changuinius
Changuinius

 

Joeytai Khan
Joeytai Khan

With Thanks to John Alison

Evolving from apes is nice but what animal do you wish we would have evolved from?
L. Ron Hubbard said we evolved from clams! (Or possibly intergalactic walruses – I can’t quite remember…)

What is the first rule of fight club?
Don’t tell Ed Norton that he and Tyler are the same person. It just upsets him.

You are allowed to make one law which the human race must obey from now until the end of time. What law do you pass?
At sunrise on New Years Day everyone must gather in the streets and sing the Pina Collada Song, with improvised hand movements.

What rules are stupid and unnecessary?
Not allowing horses on freeways. If I want to barrel a six horse chariot down the intestate while guzzling wine and shooting an AK in the air while shouting “FOR THE GLORY OF CAESAR!” I should be allowed to damnit!!

What happens if you use steroids just once?
Your testicles implode.

Through the great unknown you’re given a chance to eradicate one or the other – Cancer or Racism. Which one do you choose?
Can we compromise and just give all racists cancer?

You just got elected Pope. What do you do as your first reform of the Catholic faith?
Replace the seal of the confessional with a sea lion that loudly barks to alert the police if anyone confesses to sex crimes.

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?
Jason and the Argonauts, twenty pounds of macadamia nuts, the Ides of March, the White House China Room, God knows, with great difficulty.

Where do you like to hide out when checking out teens in the morning?
In the back of my specially modified van!

You’ve invented a time machine. What do you do?
Convince Hitler not to name his party the National Socialists and hence massively improve modern twitter discourse.

What’s the most fabulous thing ever?
Pickle Surprise!

What do you think will be the next event that will change life as we know it?
When the Necro-Mantis come
From the deep primeval scum
Making love to everyone…

What is the funniest scene David Attenborough could narrate?
Trump unwrapping and eating a cheeseburger

What is your opinion on weeaboos?
I think if we waste any more time on them we’ll be bankrupt by the end of the month!

What should every 18-year-old know?
The difference between turtles and tortoises.

What about terrapins?
You must be 21!

What do you envy about another country that isn’t your own?
Iceland’s geothermal power and deadly tundras.

If Obama was such a great president, why did my wife leave me?
Clearly she left you for Obama.

Who closes the door to the bus after the bus driver gets out?
The bus ghost. When a new bus is commissioned, a homeless person is ritually sacrificed and their soul bound to the bus for the explicit purpose of opening and closing the doors (I know this because the spirit of the Marquis de Lafayette used to visit me at night and tell me things!).

What’s a popular joke from your country?
The National Broadband Network

Why are you cansada?
I’m not cansada! You’re cansada!!

Why can’t you fourteen werewolves in public?
I know! Why can’t you?!

What is your opinion on introverts?
We are a misunderstood, but sensual people.

What invention, if brought to Medieval Europe, would be the biggest mindfuck to the people there?
Driving the Bagger 288 through downtown Prague in the 10th century would turn a few heads.

What do you think is the worst thing that is inside your house right now?
A giant cockroach named Gary. He comes out at night and reads Marx’s Das Kapital out loud while I’m trying to sleep.

What’s your biggest worry at the moment, and what are you doing to deal with it?
My fridge has started making weird noises and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford a new one for quite a while. To deal with this I’m planning to go to bed and hide under the blankets until the Earth is engulfed by the expansion of the sun.

If you take one pizza and flip it over and place it on top of another pizza, is it a sandwich?
Only if you add something – such as a slice of luncheon meat or maybe some pickles – between them.

Why is the garage door open?
The damn possums have got in.

What is the quickest way to get famous?
Murder someone who’s already famous.

Why Do We Celebrate Halloween?
Because even Dracula will be there!

What would be a better title for the movie “The Meg”?
The Shark that Couldn’t Slow Down

Why are My Little Pony fans generally perverts?
The ghost of Mr Hands reaches through the Ponyverse and seduces new souls to his twisted proclivities.

If you had the power of Thanos, what would you instantly remove half of?
My body fat.

What makes IHOP a superior restaurant to Waffle House?
“Waffle House” cannot be used as a grammatically correct stand-alone sentence.

What would be the scariest thing to find written on the wall in blood?
HONORIFICABILITATUDINIBUSQUE!!!

Why is adoption such a long and arduous process?
To prevent children from being adopted by people who would eat them.

What is the best movie from the 80’s or 90’s?
Batman and Robin. George Clooney’s performance was so powerful that no one dared make another Batman film for almost a decade!

Can having Aspburgers Syndrome prevent you from joining the military?
Is that when whenever you go to McDonalds the burgers are full of snakes?

What Hogwarts house would American presidents be sorted into?
Trump would be a Slytherin. But one of those really pathetic Slytherins that work as henchmen for the actual smart and cunning Slytherins.

People who have taken gas station sex pills, why, what happened?
I’m not entirely sure, but I woke up three days later in full Gene Simmons makeup with my pockets full of raw tuna and $122 stuffed into my socks.

What did you do with all the paper towels?
Some possums came to the door and asked for them. I was scared, so I complied.

Why do superking cigarettes cost less than normal cigarettes?
Because Superking gave up his powers – both super and royal – to guarantee a supply of cheap tobacco. NEVER FORGET!

What is the side effect of mixing tomatoes with spinach?
Oh god! Sarin!

What are the most important questions to ask the interviewer during a job interview?
Asking questions doesn’t matter, what matters is that you take a Godzilla toy with you and make it roar after you answer each of the interviewer’s questions.

What are the best things to cook in the microwave?
Cellphone batteries wrapped in aluminum foil.

Are there any other ways to reduce ear pain when driving through the mountains?
Puncturing your eardrums will avoid any painful pressure build up!

If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all High School Students , which book would you choose and why?
Warren Ellis’s Crooked Little Vein. Kids need to be taught about Godzilla bukake in school before they encounter it in the real world.

Construction workers and home builders: what do people need to know when building a home?
If you check the site for ancient Indian burial grounds before starting construction you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble down the line.

Why is there space between the floor and the stall in the bathroom?
So that the number of people in the stall can be monitored, thus maintaining morality!

Immortals, what do you miss about the 1600s?
How happy we all were when Shakespeare died. Fucking poser!

What is the absolute worst Disney movie and why?
That one where Walt herded lemmings off a cliff with a bulldozer while cackling about copyright extensions.

You are a character in an rpg. What are your highest and lowest stats?
Highest: Neuroticism
Lowest: Extraversion
Oh, hang on, that’s not an RPG, it’s the Big Five personality inventory…

How was Santana at Woodstock? Can you describe how amazing that was please?
That’s a misprint. It was Satan and he just hung around backstage smoking spliffs with Hendrix.

Assuming there is life elsewhere in the universe, why haven’t they contacted us yet?
They did back in the 70s, but Carl Sagan was drunk and laughed at them and they haven’t tried since.

What is the third most important language to know in the US?
The language of the Lizard People, so they’ll let you into the secret treasure tunnels under Los Angeles.

Why do dogs have tails if we aren’t supposed to pull on them?
It’s so they have something to take off and leave in the cloak room at formal events.

What part of your anatomy do you wish would get more attention than it does?
My spleen is sadly neglected by the public at large.

How do memes benefit society?
They help keep pathetic man children confined to their mothers’ basements instead of going out and inflicting their inadequacies on society at large.

Do orchestra conductors imagine that they’re badass sound wizards when they’re on stage?
If they don’t, they bloody well should!

How would you feel if Donald Trump came out as bisexual?
Sorry for the LGBT community.

If you had a castle with a moat, what would you fill the moat with (apart from alligators)?
Manatees. Screw security, manatees are cool!

Who performed the best bass vocal you have ever heard?
Tay Zonday!
He’s the guy who sang Choc-o-late rain!
Tay Zonday!
You thought you’d never hear his name again!

Why didn’t anyone stop whoever named the planet Uranus?
Because they were mature, intelligent people who knew the word is pronounced “Urine-Us”.

What’s your favorite accent?
Whatever the hell kind of accent Professor Alice Roberts has.

How much is too much ice cream?
Enough to drown a fully grown race horse.

How much would you charge to wash every window of all the hotels in downtown Las Vegas?
One billion dollars and a copy of Big Tyme by Heavy D & the Boyz.

What are the best ways for a tourist not to get robbed while walking around the US?
Smear all your clothing in feces. This also guarantees getting a seat – possibly even an entire train carriage – to yourself while using public transit.

If your life had a narrator, who would you choose to narrate your story?
Benedict Cumberbatch, and I’d make sure to regularly dress up as a penguin.

What’s your favorite Spongebob episode?
The one where he accidentally kills Squidward and then has to kill Patrick to cover it up, then has to kill Mr Krabs to cover that up and so on until everyone in Bikini Bottom is dead and ground up into Krabby Patties.

What moves would be in the video game Moral Kombat?
The Gish Gallop

What does George Soros want to see the world become?
A barren desert where Marxists and Homosexuals roam the wastes in armored dune buggies, fighting over the last remaining copies of On the Origin of Species.

How would you feel about adulterers receiving the death penalty?
Seems a tad extreme.

If you had to be in an empty room alone for an unknown amount of hours and you can’t sleep or you’ll miss your chance to leave, how would you keep yourself entertained?
Sing. As loudly and badly as I can in the hope that whoever’s observing me will get so sick of it they let me out early.

Why do you think voting is important?
All kinds of morons vote, so you need to vote to cancel at least one of them out.

What boils your blood in less than 3 seconds?
Extremely low air pressure.

What do you think is going to happen?
Nicolas Cage will open the third seal revealing a black horse on a set of scales and there shall be a measure of wheat for five dollars and three measures of barley for a buck fifty and crude oil and wine shall go for 20 pesos a barrel.

How do cats always land on their feet?
Cats have a natural ability to generate gravitons (which is also why physicists are always locking them in boxes).

Men who live by themselves, what decorations do you have in your living room? Do you have any plants?
D… decor… decorations?

What is the most exhilarating thing you’ve ever done?
Pointing out the shortcomings of others.

What would be the best opening line for a novel?
It was the best of times and the sky above the port was the color of a dark and stormy night.

Why is everything crooked?
Have you been playing with the universal gravitational constant again?

If people are fighting for same-sex marriages, will there come a time when voices will be raised for incest, polygamous and bestial relationships?
OH MY GOD!! IT’S THE SLIPPERY SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!

Which local celebrity would you want to voice your local transit system?
Heath Ledger – but in character as the Joker

What industry or technology do you think will be the next big thing?
I’ve got one word for you, Benjamin – plastics!

What is your rapper name?
MC Nine Hundred Foot Millipede

What is the best Acronym you’ve heard for the word “Adidas”?
All Day I Dream About Sarcoidosis

What would you say to Steve Jobs if he was front of you right now?
Dude! Chemotherapy!

Where’s a place you’ve always felt like an outsider?
Earth.

What adjectives would you use to describe what Jesus was like?
Jewish

What do you prefer in a corona, a slice of lemon or lime?
Personally I’d prefer several tonnes worth of thermal and radiation shielding. Citrus fruit ain’t gonna do nothing!

Why does the alphabet end at Z?
Well it used to end with Ȝ but that was no good for no one.

Your Music is Bad and you Should Feel Bad

Your music is bad. Bad and boring.

I don’t mean the music you make – if you make any music at all. I mean the music you listen to. It’s dull, boring, run of the mill and all the same. It’s based on the same tired old ideas of rhythm, of melody and of notes that stick to a “scale” (whatever that may be).

Mother of God
Mother of God!

When was the last time you listened to something that startled you? That intrigued you? That made you wonder? When was the last time you put on some headphones and listened to something so wildly different – or downright terrible – that it  challenged your very concept of what music could be? Too long ago I say! And I’m here to remedy that! I’m here to tear down everything around you and replace it with sounds so strange, so deranged and so downright stupid that your ears will never be the same again!

So let’s begin our journey into sound…

I took a ride on a Gemini Spacecraft – The Legendary Stardust Cowboy
Also Sprach Zarathustra – The Portsmouth Sinfonia
Transfusion – Nervous Norvus
Love Train – Varga
Ice Cream for Crow – Captain Beefheart
Ice Ice Bacon – The Trotters
Tastee Christmas – Tastee Bros
Alligator Wine – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
Wuthering Heights – Mr Floppy
Wonderwall – Masonna
Bold Brathas – Boreale & Diomedes
Folsom Prison Blues – Shooby Taylor
It’s Halloween – The Shaggs
Puli Puli (Puli Tiger) – Darkey & The Keys
Clowny Clown Clown – Crispin Hellion Glover
I Ate Your Horse – Anal C**t
Peace and Love – John Trubee and the Geeks
Mr Tamborine Man – William Shatner
The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins – Leonard Nimoy
The Ruxton Rap – Bruce Ruxton
Buffalo – Stump
Golimar – Chiranjeevi
I’m an Individual – Jacko
The Fuddy Duddy Walk – The Entertainers
Jimmy Carter Says ‘Yes’ – Gene Marshall
The World’s Got Everything in It – Mince Meat
I’ll be Back – Arnee and the Terminators

This list will continue to grow as I remember more of this stuff…

Useful Unicode Hieroglyphics

With a revised draft for extended Unicode hieroglyphs doing the rounds, let’s take the time to examine some of the more interesting and useful symbols currently available when writing in ancient Egyptian…

Cobra Defending a Lemon

13198 – Cobra Defending a Lemon

Ducks going for a Ride

13179 – Ducks going for a Ride

Man installing RAM

13028 – Man installing RAM

UFO with Oar

13099 – UFO with Oar

Awkward Moment Hippo

13101 – Awkward Moment Hippo

Hawk on Fruit Bowl

13148 – Hawk on a Fruit Bowl

Trombone

131BB – Trombone

Cobra Choir

13261 – Cobra Choir

Steve Buscemi

1308F – Steve Buscemi

Crocodile Sunbathing

1318B – Crocodile Sunbathing

Crocodile Bed Time

1318D – Crocodile Bed Time

Awesome Walking Stick

13109 – Awesome Walking Stick

My Coffee Table is Getting Away!

1321D – My Coffee Table is Getting Away!

Artillery Shell

13276 – Artillery Shell

Warning - Cymbal Secured by Cobra

131F4 – Warning – Cymbal Secured by Cobra

Snoopy

130E3 – Snoopy

Croquet Cancelled due to Slugs

132F5 – Croquet Cancelled due to Slugs

Slugs have Captured the Vatican

1335A – Slugs have Captured the Vatican

Awesome Toboggan

13344 – Awesome Toboggan

Chubby Plesiosaur

1317E – Chubby Plesiosaur

IKEA Home Decor Department

13262 – IKEA Home Decor Department

Hangover from Hell

1317D – Hangover from Hell

Abaddon the Despoiler, Warmaster of Chaos

1306F – Abaddon the Despoiler, Warmaster of Chaos

Seneb Dropped Acid Again

1314B – Seneb Dropped Acid Again