The Blind Man’s Appendage

Seriously, not safe for work. Seriously.

I’m having some computer problems at the moment, so may be offline while my box goes into the shop. In the meantime this may prove amusing.

Back in the 70’s a teenager named John Trubee was going nuts working a low paid job in a convenience store. To alleviate the boredom he started reading National Enquirer style tabloids, and one day noticed an ad in the back of one of them that promised he could earn big bucks and fame as a songwriter – all he had to do was write some lyrics and send them to the provided address in Nashville. If his song was judged good enough it would be recorded by their professional studio and he’d be on his way!

Not being an idiot, John recognised this as a scam. Any lyrics submitted would be accepted as long as the writer was willing to provide a wad of cash to cover recording fees. Nonetheless he decided to funnel some of his rage and frustration at his brain-dead job into a set of nonsensical (and rather obscene) lyrics which he sent off with the expectation of getting a letter back saying something like “What the hell is wrong with you!?”

He didn’t get this letter. No – he got a letter saying they thought his lyrics had real merit and for only $79.99 they’d record them!

Now $80 was a lot for the 70’s but John couldn’t control his morbid curiosity and scraped together the cash and sent it off. A few weeks later he received a vinyl of his song. His nonsensical (and rather obscene) lyrics drawled over a lacklustre country backing by someone sounding a little like Johnny Cash. And happily for lovers of bizarre and gonzo music it survives to this day.

Now, before I link in the song (if that’s indeed what you can call it), I’d like to repeat that is seriously not safe for work or scrupulous personalities. To get this point across, I shall repeat the lyrics – edited to remove the parts unsuitable for children, ladies, or those of sensitive dispositions…

……….. last night …..,
My mind was beautiful, and I was free,
………………………………………………,
…………………,
Yeah yeah yeah,

CHORUS:
……………………………………………………..,
……………………………………………………..,

………….. under the stars ……………………….,
……………………………………………………….,
…………………,
Yeah yeah yeah,

The zebra …………………………….,
And the gelatin ……………………………,
………………………..,
……………………………………………..,

CHORUS:
……………………………………………………..,
……………………………………………………..,

So, forewarned and forearmed, here it is….

Enjoy!

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