Oh Hooray

by Purple Wyrm on July 17, 2014

So, the Senate repealed the Carbon Tax today.

Well, at least we’ll all be rich when the oceans rise, the crops fail and Queensland is overrun by Pacific Island refugees.

(Pro Tip: No, we won’t be rich)

I No Longer Fear Death…

by Purple Wyrm on July 15, 2014

…for I just listened to 50 minutes straight of Weird Al’s polka medlies. Fifty minutes! In a row!

Think you’re hard enough?

THE GREATEST TV SHOW OF ALL TIME!

by Purple Wyrm on July 10, 2014

There’s this guy, right? And he has this power, but he doesn’t know what the power is, just that he has it. And to find out what it is, he has to go on, like, a quest, and in the quest he visits this aircraft carrier, but it’s not really an aircraft carrier, it’s actually a parking garage. And in the garage there’s this, like, sort of bear man – he’s a man, but he’s also like a bear, right? Like, he’s big and hairy and he growls sometimes so you might think he’s a bear. And the bear man tells him something really important to do with concrete. And so now he has to go out and get the concrete, like all of the concrete, but there’s this big corporation that makes the concrete and they won’t give it to him. So he has to get a lawyer who specialises in concrete to represent him, but, and here’s the thing, he can’t afford a lawyer, so he has to hire a hot dog seller who says he’s a lawyer. But he’s not really a lawyer, he’s just a hot dog seller. And the hot dog seller has a dark past, which we see in flashback. And that’s pretty much the first season. In the second season there’s going to be this guy who flies and shoots firebolts from his hands. And then there’s, like, this other guy, and he has a power too and he knows what his power is and if our guy finds out what his power is it means the new guy will lose his power, right? And as the viewers we don’t know what his power is, although he already knows it, and he won’t tell anyone. And if he loses his power he’ll be turned into something really stupid like a dog, or an aircraft carrier or something. And so he wants to stop the other guy because he doesn’t want to be a dog or an aircraft carrier. So he’s hunting down the other guy and he has a friend who’s a really good hunter, but he has to pay him because although he’s his friend he doesn’t work for free, ever, because that’s his policy and he only accepts two dollar bills in payment and he wants a lot of them because he’s really expensive even to his friends. So they need to hunt for the other guy but also for lots of two dollar bills because they’re really rare. And the new guy has some kind of problem, maybe with his feet or his calves, and he’s always complaining about them and the hunter also has a problem that he complains about all the time, so they’re always complaining and they’re like the complaint brothers which is what the all fans will actually call them. And the show will be called “MAGNUM P.I. THE FORGOTTEN YEARS” and the new guy is played by the same actor as the old guy because they’re twins.

I don’t know why my brain keeps coming up with this kind of garbage…

by Purple Wyrm on July 9, 2014

Goin’ to Nag Hammadi, gonna have myself a time,
Gnostic Gospels everywhere!
Ancient texts without translation!

Did you know that Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable?

by Purple Wyrm on July 8, 2014

Wizard People, Dear Reader

by Purple Wyrm on July 6, 2014

This thing has existed for 10 years and I’ve only just heard about it!?

It’s genius!

More Information that You Strictly Require

by Purple Wyrm on July 3, 2014

What is the scariest fact you know?
Hiding inside your body, right at this very minute, is a spooky skeleton.

What do you think causes autism?
Underground mole men zapping pregnant women with beam-rays to bring about the downfall of the human race.

How old are you?
I am older than time itself.

If you could make a mass announcement to everyone in the world what would you say?
It ain’t no sin to take off your skin and dance around in your bones.

What’s the difference between turtles and tortoises?
Tortoises are on top, turtles are all the way down.

Who would be the best Batman and Robin?
Vincent Price and Peter Dinklage

What two types of people are there in the world?
Those with feet shaped like platypuses and those with feet shaped like cassette tapes.

Is there kitty autism?
Cats are already fascinated with shiny spinning objects, stare out windows for hours on end and have no concept of empathy. There’d be no way to tell the difference.

If you could make a modification to a bird or a reptile, what would it be?
I’d give crocodiles the ability to shoot laser beams from their eyes.

Why can’t they harness the power of government spying to create a public database of everyone’s relationship statuses?
You’re assuming they already haven’t.

If you were to name a baby, what would you name him/her?
Hiram Q. Chuzzlewitt. (The Q is for “Friendship”)

What derogatory term will humans be known as once we encounter an alien race?
Flesh chewing extinction monkeys

What are your thoughts on kangaroos?
Most of them are cool, but now and then you’ll find one who refuses to work and just hangs around the shops hassling people for cigarettes.

What should the amalgamation of South Perth and Victoria Park be called?
Winterfell. It’ll bring in tourists and the various varieties of bogans can be explained as “white walkers”.

What do you prefer, rap or screamo?
Deafness.

What would you name a hairless cat?
Hecubus, Destroyer of Worlds

Tell me the truth – are you a time traveler?
I’m currently traveling forwards in time at a rate of 60 seconds per minute. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Why do wearing contact lenses keep my eyes from watering while cutting an onion?
Why does the windshield stop bugs from hitting my face?

What’s the biggest animal you can actually see yourself winning a fight to the death with?
A small tapir

How do you feel about the USA’s ongoing refusal to adopt the metric system?
It makes watching Mythbusters really annoying.

You step into bus full of people, you have one sentence -only- you can yell loudly. What is it?
I SMELL YOUTH! VINTAGE YOUTH!

What would you do with a million dollars?
Buy you a monkey. (Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?)

You’re cursed by a genie and can only use a gif to communicate. What gif do you choose?
Otter!

You’re suddenly a king of kings, a monarch of immeasurable power and wealth beyond imagination. How would you choose to clean your backside after you poop?
With the neck of a live goose.

Who is the single worst individual to have ever lived?
Og son of Tharg. 54,435 BC to 54,380 BC. May he rot forever in the belly of the cave lion that finally got him!

Why do my headphone cords get tangled up at night?
Traditionally the fair folk tangled up the manes and tails of horses. With so few horses around nowdays they’ve had to get creative.

In a world where Bees rule, and humans don’t exist and everything is the same, what do you think the Bees would name your favorite movie, or television show that currently exists?
Son, I’m just gonna tell you this one time. You wanna keep working here, stay off the drugs.

If you could name an atomic bomb, what would you call it?
El queso del Diablo.

What popular television show has the worst writing?
Cops. Dull repetitive dialogue, and the same scenes over and over again with different actors. “I’ve been in law enforcement for [number] years”, “We’ve been called out to a domestic in [neighbourhood]“, “Sir! Step away from the vehicle!”. You’d probably get a better show if you went out and filmed actual cops at work.

What effects do video games have on young children?
They keep them quiet for a few hours

Today everything in the world is the opposite of what it normally is – what are you dreading most?
Well usually I wake up in the morning alive. Waking up dead would kind of suck.

As you raise your glass to salute, what is your best toast?
“To strong women, handsome girls and vengeance against goats!”

Has there ever actually been a pepper-pot polar bear train?
Belgium had a salt-cellar badger boat in the 1500′s, if that helps?

You have 10 minutes until your apartment is attacked. What is your plan to survive?
Paint myself green and stand in a corner. With luck they’ll mistake me for a house plant.

How do you pronounce “meme” and “gif”?
To rhyme with “doge”

What’s the best way to jiggle your ass?
Butt comes in, butt goes out
That’s what jiggling’s all about

Why the mushroom man do only the visit on night?
Mushroom man visit on nights see only. Why do?

What do you collect?
Regrets

Is the moon really just the back of the sun?
Yes. And the stars are the holes that the rain falls through.

Where do babies come from?
DNA from all Cousins is collected and put into the House’s Genetic Loom. When the decision is made to create a new Cousin, permission is sought from the High Council and, if granted, the Loom is activated and a new individual is created.

Why are “common utilities” like electricity, water, phone, and internet not provided by the government via taxes?
Because that’s Communism boy!

If there were extra days in a week, what would they be called?
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Dogeday
Dogeday Secundus
Sunday
Thank-God-It’s-Not-Dogeday

What are the small white stickers with random numbers I occasionally find on the inside of my clothing?
You have been contacted. Save all of the stickers and wait for further instructions.

What song do you think provides a great analogy for what the Earth will be like in the future?
FADADES – Le Jugement Dernie. Stupid, confusing and full of strange screeching noises.

How many horses died or were harmed in the making of Braveheart?
Hundreds. Every time Mel Gibson stood next to one the crew couldn’t tell the difference between him and its backside, so he demanded it be taken away and shot.

You’re stuck in a maximum security prison with a Spoon, a rabbit and some caltrops. How do you escape?
I have a spoon, a rabbit and caltrops? Why would I ever want to leave!

How old is Jake Roper from Vsauce3?
As old as time itself.

What crime-fighting superhero character can you come up with?
The Black Dog. A clinically depressed crime fighter who can project his deep sense of existential despair into the minds of criminals causing them to collapse on the ground in a sobbing heap. Dresses all in black with a balaclava, a trenchcoat and a spiked dog collar around his neck. His weakness is criminals who are already depressed (because they’re used to dealing with depression and can keep on functioning despite it) and getting out of bed each morning.

How do Mormons teleport?
They put their left foot in, their left foot out, their left foot in and they shake it all about.

What’s your deep, dark secrets, fantasies, guilty pleasures, fetishes, thoughts, ideas, or desires?
My deep, dark secrets, fantasies, guilty pleasures, fetishes, thoughts, ideas, and/or desires, these desires, ideas, thoughts, fetishes, guilty pleasures, fantasies and deep dark secrets that I have, that is to say these deep, dark secrets, fantasies, guilty pleasures, fetishes, thoughts, ideas, and desires which belong to me – ahem – these desires, ideas, thoughts, fetishes, guilty pleasures, fantasies and deep dark secrets of mine, that I have, are – Ahem – that is to say, are mine.

If you had ten million US dollars, what would you do?
Buy you ten monkeys. (Haven’t you always wanted ten monkeys?)

What are your top 3 favorite songs to make out to?
One
Two
Three

What was the thing that sliced bread took over from as the new best thing?
Curing syphilis with malaria.

Why is there no He-Man Movie?
Vladimir Putin has – sadly – refused all offers to take on the title role.

What is the worst name for a pirate ship that you can think of?
The Jolly Anus

If you could go back in time and kill anyone, who would you kill?
It has been well established that going back in time and killing Hitler only makes the present worse. Thus, logically, the only way to make a better present for us all is to go back and kill Mr Rogers.

What fetishes do you think old, famed, presidents, artists, generals etc. had?
Abraham Lincoln had an unhealthy interest in river boats. You know what I mean.

What if you cut off your own leg and discovered that you are a robot?
It would be great! I’d discover what my powers were, and then decide whether to use them for good, or awesome!

When did bowing ones head during prayer become a thing?
8:32am, June 24th 406 BC. It was a Tuesday.

What song makes you feel sexy?
Goodbye Horses

If you could re-imagine a TV show, which one would you choose?
Care Bears, but the bears are a hard bitten insurgent group riven by internal rivalries and hatreds, and the entire resistance is on the edge of collapse after years of occupation. Will they struggle on? Will they go out in a blaze of glory, firing their AK-47s to the last bullet? Or will they fall prey to the traitor in their midst?

What do people not say anymore because of the passage of time?
Gehyyrst thuu, saelida, hwaet this folc segeth?

Who is currently the most important person in the world?
Roger Albert Fische of King Edward Street, Brighton, UK. He is the most important person on Earth, but will never realise it.

What is the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you can make up right now?
Game of Thrones is funded by the 4H Club to favourably influence the American public’s opinion of monarchy and feudalism so as to increase the likelihood of right wing governments coming into power across the USA who will direct funding away from schools that teach evolution thus hindering the ability of rural students to learn about animal husbandry in class and sending them to the 4H Club to make up the gap.

What’s more metal than a Tibetan Sky Burial?
A Tibetan Sky Burial with pterodactyls.

If you could add another amendment to the US Constitution, what would it be?
The 28th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America: We the people solemnly declare that Magellan is cooler than Justin Beibler.

What’s the most stupid or useless thought you have that’s not worth sharing?
You could probably reinterpret Jingle Bells as a story of 19th century date rape.

How fat my Mama be?
Yo mamma so fat she need to discuss a treatment plan with her primary health care provider to improve her quality of life.

What is the one thing about yourself you don’t want anyone to know?
People think I’m a fully grown adult, but I’m actually three kids under a long coat.

What are you thinking about right now, this very second?
The lead singer of Sparklehorse, kneeling unconscious on a bed with his legs slowly dying beneath him from lack of blood flow.

If you were elected president of USA, what’s the first thing you would change?
My underwear, which would have been ruined the moment someone told me “You’ve been elected President of the USA!”

How would you react if you found out your whole life was like the Truman show?
Demand better writers

It’s 2 A.M. What are you doing?
It’s 11:30 in the morning you heretic!

What movie needs a sequel?
We desperately need them to produce Leonard Part 7 before Bill Cosby is to old to take the lead role.

Could Superman survive at the bottom of the ocean?
He would be able to survive just fine for a while, but would eventually run out of stored solar energy. At that point he’d just get Aquaman to send some sea anemones to save him.

What is the best thing to say to a stranger and then just walk away?
“Good morrow sir! Do not have a cow, but can you inform me of directions towards the nearest scriptorium, library, video cassette hire facility or neuro-zap download station? And, although it may seem greely or as some kind of joke or prank, can you confirm for me that this is the year Anno Domini two-zero-one-four?”

Have you ever made a porn?
Made some for dinner the other night with garlic and parsley, everyone thought they were… oh. I thought you said prawn.

How do you kill a robot?
Why would you want to kill a robot? They protect us from the terrible secret of space!

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word “internet”?
A cat on a turntable going round and round forever.

Why we don’t have to remember to breathe?
Because evolution dealt pretty harshly with all the people who did have to remember.

Who was the last great leader of your country and why?
Harold Holt – He laid down his life to save us from the ocean!

What movie best depicts rural life in the 1950s?
The Holy Mountain (Rural life in the 50′s was a lot stranger than people think…)

What would happen if alcohol was made illegal tomorrow?
Al Capone would rise from the grave and dance the Charleston on top of a flagpole.

If All TV Shows had to use the same song in their opener, what would be the best one?
The ALF Theme. Remember ALF? He’s back! In theme form!

Which fast food chain is the worst and why?
Colonel Backwash’s. Crappy chicken marketed to inbred hillbillies. The only barely edible thing are the lung puppies and half the time they’ve run out of them.

If you were a professional fighter / wrestler, what song or music would be your entrance theme?
Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson – the Polka version !

Do rats have the ability to be proud?
Yes, but they also suffer from crippling existential self doubt, so they only very rarely feel it.

What’s should I name my Bar?
The Scabies Hole. It’d go out of business in no time, but you’d still go down in history as the only guy to ever run a bar named The Scabies Hole.

If Obama went rogue, how much damage would he be able to do?
Not much. The Secret Service carry tranquiliser darts for just such an eventuality. They were last used in July 1976 when Gerald Ford attempted to maul a toddler.

Is Nik Kershaw the best European musician?
It’s a riddle, that’s for sure.

Is BMW right for me?
The real question is, are you right for BMW?

What is the allure of tapas?
You can reuse them so much more easily than CDs. Oh, sorry, I thought you asked about tapes.

What’s the worst thing you would do if it meant your country won the world cup as a result?
Glare harshly, and I mean HARSHLY, at a cute little puppy.

What is the best thing about being your gender?
Being able to sing the deep bit in the Far Away song.
(I’m lying, I can’t actually sing that bit)

What are the best Swords and Sandals Movies?
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Why isn’t there a children’s hospital with a Scooby Doo ICU?
They tried, but Shaggy got into the drugs locker and it didn’t end very well.

What is the name of the Muslim priest who performs weddings?
Father Barry Mushasha

How do I become president of the United States?
The traditional method is to break into the White House, defeat the current President in a duel then drink his blood vampire style to steal his Executive Power (John Tyler doing this a little too enthusiastically is the reason William Henry Harrison died in office).

If I build a spacecraft and fly to Mars, would I be able to claim it as my own planet?
You’d have to defeat Rumbleroar in a Wizard Duel first. RUMBLEROAR!!

What are those thousands of brand new buses stored in the desert East of Barstow Ca. for?
They’re transports reserved for when Obama orders FEMA to put everyone into internment camps. The seats have been specially modified so they can be pulled out and the buses used for corpse transport once everyone has been locked up. IT’S IN REVELATIONS PEOPLE!!

What celebrity has sold his/her soul to the devil?
Mathew Perry. That’s why you never see him in anything any more, he retired from acting with everything he needs courtesy of Satan.

What’s the best seasoning to put on some popcorn?
Salt. Plain, ordinary sodium chloride. Anyone who puts anything else on popcorn is a heathen who will be cast into the outer darkness where there will be a wailing, a gnashing of teeth and nothing to snack on except expired dry ramen (those without teeth will have to craft them themselves out of stale noodles).

What’s going on your tombstone?
Probably a variety of birds and the occasional drunken vagrant.

Do you are you can be in a few months and I can?
Can I and months few a in be, can you are you do?

In 15 minutes, Glenn Greenwald is releasing the biggest NSA story as a finale – predictions on what it’s going to be?
Obama is a reptilian Muslim grown in a test tube in area 51 with communist DNA collected from the Nazi flying saucer that crashed at Roswell. IT’S IN REVELATIONS PEOPLE!!

Doesn’t that mean he is a valid candidate for the Presidency?
No! The Constitution says ‘Natural Born Citizen’, not ‘Blasphemously slithered out of an incubation chamber onto a bed of bovine collagen substrate Citizen’. Unnatural Meddling! Evil! Sorcery! Popery! Free Silver! Etc!

What is the upcoming Star Wars movie going to be about?
The re-established Republic will be threatened by the rise of a new Dark Lord of the Sith who will use massively powerful computers to sabotage the Imperial Archives and rewrite history. A plucky band of heroes will band together to defeat Darth Luu Kass and restore the historical record.

How will World War III start?
The will CIA hack Ayman Mohammed Rabie al-Zawahiri’s computer and replace the operating system with a picture of a naked Barack Obama repeating the phrase “Hello. There. You’re. Quite Good. At. Turning Me On.” This unfortunately interacts with a virus placed on the same machine by Mossad, and the resulting super-virus infects half of all the computers on Earth including that of Kim Il Sung.

Kim’s computer then sends an infected email to his good buddy Dennis Rodman. Rodman freaks out over what he suspects Kim is trying to tell him, and sends back a fork bomb zip file. Kim’s sub-par tech support open this and the resulting crash cascades throughout North Korea’s entire computer network (all five PCs!). One of these happens to be in the middle of a Skype session with Ali Hosseini Khamenei, who takes the resulting nasty farting sound and blank screen as a personal insult, and orders a nuclear strike against Israel (this being his solution for everything).

The Israeli defence network is struggling with the Super Sexy Obama Virus and can’t intercept the missile in time to destroy it. Instead they are able to alter its flight course and it lands off the Italian Island of Stromboli. This triggers a volcanic eruption and the resulting explosion sends a tsunami smashing into Italy and up the Tiber into Rome. In the Vactican, Pope Francis is just finishing the morning mass when the wave hits, and he is fataly impaled on a rather nice piece of sculpture washed out from the Vactican museum.

The world’s Catholics declare war on Israel, who have already declared war on Iran, who have in the meantime declared war on North Korea, who are doing their best (through major computer problems) to declare war on the Treacherous Imperialist Dennis Rodman. President Obama – already in a bad mood due to a toothache and the whole Super Sexy Virus thing – calls an emergency press conference at which he announces “Fuck You All!” and launches the entire US nuclear arsenal in random directions.

The world is engulfed in flame, and the only survivor is a simple minded Janitor named Milo, who spends the next 34 years buffing the floors at Mount Weather before slipping and breaking his skull on a drum of military grade Tang powder.

If you had 300 dollars what would you spend it on?
I’d buy you 0.0003 of a monkey. (Haven’t you always wanted 0.003 of a monkey?).

Guys, if you want to keep working here, stay off the drugs…

by Purple Wyrm on July 2, 2014

I would rather live on a train

by Purple Wyrm on July 1, 2014

Thanks – I’m fine,
But I’ve nothing to give,
But I just have to leave,
Enough – I would rather live on a train,
And now – I’m dying,
Cause I don’t want to be here,
I don’t want to be seen,
Enough – I would rather live on a train,

– On a Train, Yuksek

If you’re wondering why I haven’t been posting of late it’s because I’ve been feeling wretched, wrung out and on the edge of total burnout for the last few weeks. I really need some time to curl up into myself and completey ignore the world – happily I’ve arranged to take some leave in August, so I only have to hold out till then, which I think is just about doable. Just don’t expect me to be presentable, amicable or even sociable until then.

In the meantime there are a few things that need mentioning…

1: The Wyrmlog has, for some reason, stopped emailing me when people comment. So, if you’ve made some wildly witty and intelligent comment and are miffed that I’ve completely ignored it, that’s why. I only see your comments when I log in to make a post, and I haven’t been doing that lately. I’ll see if I can fix the problem when I have a minute (maybe September some time).

2: Went to Supanova with Bek and Paula. Quite fun, despite my current fairly desperate state of mind. Saw Rose McGowan and John Barrowman who were charming (see what I did there?) and hilarious respectively. The story about the understudy and the laxatives, oh my god! And Mel Brooks screaming “GET INSIDE! THEY’RE GONNA DO SOMETHING CRAZY!”. Great stuff!

3: It’s nice that Heron are trying to make their paracetamol tablets more palatable, but making them taste like a caramel vanilla milkshake seems somewhat misguided. Even I, who am fully aware of what a paracetamol overdose does to your liver (to wit, kills it, with negative subsequent consequences for your general wellbeing) am tempted to chow down on a big pile of them just because they taste so damn good. I can’t imagine how the uneducated hoi-poloi react to such temptation!

4: I may well be completely out of the loop, but I was listening to the radio on Sunday when a song came on that from the very first bar completely grabbed my attention. I thought at first – based on the vocals of the first verse – that it might be a new Megan Washington track, but was disavowed of this theory when the chorus cut in, and so hastily transcribed some lyrics into Google to determine exactly what I was listening to. It turned out to be 24 Hours by Sky Ferreira – an artist that I was peripherally aware of but had never paid much attention to. Well, I’m paying attention now. The song is a great electro-pop track that I’ve listened to so often over the last three days that it’s now stuck in my head to the point of nausea, but I’m still looking forwards to listening to it on a more moderated schedule once the neural burn-in repairs itself. Here it is anyway, so you can laugh at how execrable my musical tastes have become…

5: Saw The Double on Sunday with Rebecca. A very strange, but very stylish and enjoyable movie. Directed by Moss from The IT Crowd you know. If you like thought provoking sci-fi, urban dystopias and crazed, shovel wielding priests then definitely go check it out.

Hmmm, I think that’s about it for now. There was probably some other stuff I wanted to mention, but I’m too scatter brained from stress and fatigue to think of it. Go and make your own damn entertainment.

A Word from our Sponsors…

by Purple Wyrm on June 19, 2014

Snake Church