Cartographic Armageddon

by Purple Wyrm on September 8, 2018

Guess what? I’m back on that 40k Mapping thing again!

Behold Armageddon, one of the most fought over planets in the Imperium, with a Chaos invasion led by a Daemon Primarch, two Ork invasions led by Margaret Thatcher and the current general insanity caused by GW’s decision to move the plot forward under its belt.

Armageddon tired of GW's Cartographic Ignorance

Armageddon tired of GW’s Cartographic Failures…

It’s a pretty nice map, however ever since its publication everyone at GW has completely forgotten how to read it.

Look at those lines. That’s right, the curved ones. They indicate that we’re not looking at a flat map, we’re looking at some kind of globular projection. Furthermore notice that the lines are slanted – that means that we’re not looking at the map from a  cardinal direction (north, south, east or west), but at an angle. And hey! Look in the upper right hand corner! One of the lines is marked as the equator! This tells us that north is to the upper left!

NORTH IS THAT WAY!!!

NORTH IS THAT WAY!!!

Unfortunately this is something that has escaped the notice of GW’s writers and artists who have consistently read it as a flattened, north oriented map, even publishing redraws of it with an upwards pointing compass rose slapped on top – most notably in the recent reprint of Gavin Thorpe’s Annihilation Squad (a damn good read actually, despite the compass directions being all screwy BECAUSE NO ONE AT GW CAN READ A GODDAMN MAP!).

Perhaps the silliest aspect of this are the planet’s famous equatorial jungles. If we look at the map above we can see that this name makes sense – they sit right across the planet’s equator. If we go by the later maps however they’re just randomly plonked running north to south, giving one the impression that whatever Ordo Cartographica scribe first charted the planet was hitting the amasec really hard.

So, what to do about this all this malarkey (apart from making a ranting blog post that no one else will ever care about)? Why, redraft the map of course!

Now, this is a bit easier said than done. The globular projection adds all kinds of distortions and while I am sure there is software out there that can correct them in the twinkling of a nurgling’s eye I don’t have access to them. So I decided to go old school and resort to paper and pencil.

Step one was to make the map grid a bit denser. I did this by tracing the existing grid in Inkscape and then running additional lines between each of them, splitting each of the existing map squares into four. Step two was to grab a piece of graph paper and sketch in the details of each square…

armageddon_map_corrected
So there we have it! That’s what a flattened out, north oriented Armageddon map really looks like! Armageddon Primus is actually north of Armageddon Secundus and the entire continent is stumpier than the angled view suggests

So, I now expect GW to start using this corrected version immediately! ;D

EDIT: Yes, it is rather strange that the continent to the west (the Dead Lands) is completely frozen over while the central continent (at the same latitudes) isn’t. There’s a clue to this in that the eastern continent (the Fire Wastes) appear to be barren desert. This would suggest that Armageddon has a pretty severe axial tilt combined with some rather weird orbital characteristics – which given its ancient history (no spoilers, but go read The Beast Arises…) is actually rather plausible.

With Thanks to John Alison

by Purple Wyrm on August 26, 2018

Evolving from apes is nice but what animal do you wish we would have evolved from?
L. Ron Hubbard said we evolved from clams! (Or possibly intergalactic walruses – I can’t quite remember…)

What is the first rule of fight club?
Don’t tell Ed Norton that he and Tyler are the same person. It just upsets him.

You are allowed to make one law which the human race must obey from now until the end of time. What law do you pass?
At sunrise on New Years Day everyone must gather in the streets and sing the Pina Collada Song, with improvised hand movements.

What rules are stupid and unnecessary?
Not allowing horses on freeways. If I want to barrel a six horse chariot down the intestate while guzzling wine and shooting an AK in the air while shouting “FOR THE GLORY OF CAESAR!” I should be allowed to damnit!!

What happens if you use steroids just once?
Your testicles implode.

Through the great unknown you’re given a chance to eradicate one or the other – Cancer or Racism. Which one do you choose?
Can we compromise and just give all racists cancer?

You just got elected Pope. What do you do as your first reform of the Catholic faith?
Replace the seal of the confessional with a sea lion that loudly barks to alert the police if anyone confesses to sex crimes.

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?
Jason and the Argonauts, twenty pounds of macadamia nuts, the Ides of March, the White House China Room, God knows, with great difficulty.

Where do you like to hide out when checking out teens in the morning?
In the back of my specially modified van!

You’ve invented a time machine. What do you do?
Convince Hitler not to name his party the National Socialists and hence massively improve modern twitter discourse.

What’s the most fabulous thing ever?
Pickle Surprise!

What do you think will be the next event that will change life as we know it?
When the Necro-Mantis come
From the deep primeval scum
Making love to everyone…

What is the funniest scene David Attenborough could narrate?
Trump unwrapping and eating a cheeseburger

What is your opinion on weeaboos?
I think if we waste any more time on them we’ll be bankrupt by the end of the month!

What should every 18-year-old know?
The difference between turtles and tortoises.

What about terrapins?
You must be 21!

What do you envy about another country that isn’t your own?
Iceland’s geothermal power and deadly tundras.

If Obama was such a great president, why did my wife leave me?
Clearly she left you for Obama.

Who closes the door to the bus after the bus driver gets out?
The bus ghost. When a new bus is commissioned, a homeless person is ritually sacrificed and their soul bound to the bus for the explicit purpose of opening and closing the doors (I know this because the spirit of the Marquis de Lafayette used to visit me at night and tell me things!).

What’s a popular joke from your country?
The National Broadband Network

Why are you cansada?
I’m not cansada! You’re cansada!!

Why can’t you fourteen werewolves in public?
I know! Why can’t you?!

What is your opinion on introverts?
We are a misunderstood, but sensual people.

What invention, if brought to Medieval Europe, would be the biggest mindfuck to the people there?
Driving the Bagger 288 through downtown Prague in the 10th century would turn a few heads.

What do you think is the worst thing that is inside your house right now?
A giant cockroach named Gary. He comes out at night and reads Marx’s Das Kapital out loud while I’m trying to sleep.

What’s your biggest worry at the moment, and what are you doing to deal with it?
My fridge has started making weird noises and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford a new one for quite a while. To deal with this I’m planning to go to bed and hide under the blankets until the Earth is engulfed by the expansion of the sun.

If you take one pizza and flip it over and place it on top of another pizza, is it a sandwich?
Only if you add something – such as a slice of luncheon meat or maybe some pickles – between them.

Why is the garage door open?
The damn possums have got in.

What is the quickest way to get famous?
Murder someone who’s already famous.

Why Do We Celebrate Halloween?
Because even Dracula will be there!

What would be a better title for the movie “The Meg”?
The Shark that Couldn’t Slow Down

Why are My Little Pony fans generally perverts?
The ghost of Mr Hands reaches through the Ponyverse and seduces new souls to his twisted proclivities.

If you had the power of Thanos, what would you instantly remove half of?
My body fat.

What makes IHOP a superior restaurant to Waffle House?
“Waffle House” cannot be used as a grammatically correct stand-alone sentence.

What would be the scariest thing to find written on the wall in blood?
HONORIFICABILITATUDINIBUSQUE!!!

Why is adoption such a long and arduous process?
To prevent children from being adopted by people who would eat them.

What is the best movie from the 80’s or 90’s?
Batman and Robin. George Clooney’s performance was so powerful that no one dared make another Batman film for almost a decade!

Can having Aspburgers Syndrome prevent you from joining the military?
Is that when whenever you go to McDonalds the burgers are full of snakes?

What Hogwarts house would American presidents be sorted into?
Trump would be a Slytherin. But one of those really pathetic Slytherins that work as henchmen for the actual smart and cunning Slytherins.

People who have taken gas station sex pills, why, what happened?
I’m not entirely sure, but I woke up three days later in full Gene Simmons makeup with my pockets full of raw tuna and $122 stuffed into my socks.

What did you do with all the paper towels?
Some possums came to the door and asked for them. I was scared, so I complied.

Why do superking cigarettes cost less than normal cigarettes?
Because Superking gave up his powers – both super and royal – to guarantee a supply of cheap tobacco. NEVER FORGET!

What is the side effect of mixing tomatoes with spinach?
Oh god! Sarin!

What are the most important questions to ask the interviewer during a job interview?
Asking questions doesn’t matter, what matters is that you take a Godzilla toy with you and make it roar after you answer each of the interviewer’s questions.

What are the best things to cook in the microwave?
Cellphone batteries wrapped in aluminum foil.

Are there any other ways to reduce ear pain when driving through the mountains?
Puncturing your eardrums will avoid any painful pressure build up!

If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all High School Students , which book would you choose and why?
Warren Ellis’s Crooked Little Vein. Kids need to be taught about Godzilla bukake in school before they encounter it in the real world.

Construction workers and home builders: what do people need to know when building a home?
If you check the site for ancient Indian burial grounds before starting construction you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble down the line.

Why is there space between the floor and the stall in the bathroom?
So that the number of people in the stall can be monitored, thus maintaining morality!

Immortals, what do you miss about the 1600s?
How happy we all were when Shakespeare died. Fucking poser!

What is the absolute worst Disney movie and why?
That one where Walt herded lemmings off a cliff with a bulldozer while cackling about copyright extensions.

You are a character in an rpg. What are your highest and lowest stats?
Highest: Neuroticism
Lowest: Extraversion
Oh, hang on, that’s not an RPG, it’s the Big Five personality inventory…

How was Santana at Woodstock? Can you describe how amazing that was please?
That’s a misprint. It was Satan and he just hung around backstage smoking spliffs with Hendrix.

Assuming there is life elsewhere in the universe, why haven’t they contacted us yet?
They did back in the 70s, but Carl Sagan was drunk and laughed at them and they haven’t tried since.

What is the third most important language to know in the US?
The language of the Lizard People, so they’ll let you into the secret treasure tunnels under Los Angeles.

Why do dogs have tails if we aren’t supposed to pull on them?
It’s so they have something to take off and leave in the cloak room at formal events.

What part of your anatomy do you wish would get more attention than it does?
My spleen is sadly neglected by the public at large.

How do memes benefit society?
They help keep pathetic man children confined to their mothers’ basements instead of going out and inflicting their inadequacies on society at large.

Do orchestra conductors imagine that they’re badass sound wizards when they’re on stage?
If they don’t, they bloody well should!

How would you feel if Donald Trump came out as bisexual?
Sorry for the LGBT community.

If you had a castle with a moat, what would you fill the moat with (apart from alligators)?
Manatees. Screw security, manatees are cool!

Who performed the best bass vocal you have ever heard?
Tay Zonday!
He’s the guy who sang Choc-o-late rain!
Tay Zonday!
You thought you’d never hear his name again!

Why didn’t anyone stop whoever named the planet Uranus?
Because they were mature, intelligent people who knew the word is pronounced “Urine-Us”.

What’s your favorite accent?
Whatever the hell kind of accent Professor Alice Roberts has.

How much is too much ice cream?
Enough to drown a fully grown race horse.

How much would you charge to wash every window of all the hotels in downtown Las Vegas?
One billion dollars and a copy of Big Tyme by Heavy D & the Boyz.

What are the best ways for a tourist not to get robbed while walking around the US?
Smear all your clothing in feces. This also guarantees getting a seat – possibly even an entire train carriage – to yourself while using public transit.

If your life had a narrator, who would you choose to narrate your story?
Benedict Cumberbatch, and I’d make sure to regularly dress up as a penguin.

What’s your favorite Spongebob episode?
The one where he accidentally kills Squidward and then has to kill Patrick to cover it up, then has to kill Mr Krabs to cover that up and so on until everyone in Bikini Bottom is dead and ground up into Krabby Patties.

What moves would be in the video game Moral Kombat?
The Gish Gallop

What does George Soros want to see the world become?
A barren desert where Marxists and Homosexuals roam the wastes in armored dune buggies, fighting over the last remaining copies of On the Origin of Species.

How would you feel about adulterers receiving the death penalty?
Seems a tad extreme.

If you had to be in an empty room alone for an unknown amount of hours and you can’t sleep or you’ll miss your chance to leave, how would you keep yourself entertained?
Sing. As loudly and badly as I can in the hope that whoever’s observing me will get so sick of it they let me out early.

Why do you think voting is important?
All kinds of morons vote, so you need to vote to cancel at least one of them out.

What boils your blood in less than 3 seconds?
Extremely low air pressure.

What do you think is going to happen?
Nicolas Cage will open the third seal revealing a black horse on a set of scales and there shall be a measure of wheat for five dollars and three measures of barley for a buck fifty and crude oil and wine shall go for 20 pesos a barrel.

How do cats always land on their feet?
Cats have a natural ability to generate gravitons (which is also why physicists are always locking them in boxes).

Men who live by themselves, what decorations do you have in your living room? Do you have any plants?
D… decor… decorations?

What is the most exhilarating thing you’ve ever done?
Pointing out the shortcomings of others.

What would be the best opening line for a novel?
It was the best of times and the sky above the port was the color of a dark and stormy night.

Why is everything crooked?
Have you been playing with the universal gravitational constant again?

If people are fighting for same-sex marriages, will there come a time when voices will be raised for incest, polygamous and bestial relationships?
OH MY GOD!! IT’S THE SLIPPERY SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!

Which local celebrity would you want to voice your local transit system?
Heath Ledger – but in character as the Joker

What industry or technology do you think will be the next big thing?
I’ve got one word for you, Benjamin – plastics!

What is your rapper name?
MC Nine Hundred Foot Millipede

What is the best Acronym you’ve heard for the word “Adidas”?
All Day I Dream About Sarcoidosis

What would you say to Steve Jobs if he was front of you right now?
Dude! Chemotherapy!

Where’s a place you’ve always felt like an outsider?
Earth.

What adjectives would you use to describe what Jesus was like?
Jewish

What do you prefer in a corona, a slice of lemon or lime?
Personally I’d prefer several tonnes worth of thermal and radiation shielding. Citrus fruit ain’t gonna do nothing!

Why does the alphabet end at Z?
Well it used to end with Ȝ but that was no good for no one.

On Cnossath and its Knights

by Purple Wyrm on August 19, 2018

Name Cnossath Prime
Segmentum Segmentum Tempestus
Sector Chiros Sector
Subsector Skereig Subsector
System Cnossath System
Population 430,000,000
Cnossath

The Knight World of Cnossath Prime (or simply ‘Cnossath’) was discovered and settled by humanity at some point prior to M23. A temperate world with three major continents and several island chains it hosts three (originally four) Knight Houses that owe fealty to the Adeptus Mechanicus Forge World of Volund Two-Seven.

Crest of House Cashel

Crest of House Cashel

Traditions preserved on Cnossath maintain that the planet was settled by four separate colony ships, each claiming an area of the world to the exclusion of the others (the ancient technology at the heart of the three remaining House Strongholds would appear to bear this legend out). Each Colony developed into a nation state ruled by Knights – House Cashel on the western continent, House Ventris on the north of the eastern continent, House Mabb on the eastern continent’s southern peninsula and House Krater on the central islands. The frigid northern continent was claimed by House Ventris but unoccupied (apart from mining colonies) due to adverse environmental conditions.

A peculiarity of the Houses of Cnossath, traceable as far back as the planet’s histories reach, is that the Thrones Mechanicum of their Knight Suits lack the indoctrination protocols found on almost every other Knight World. It is unclear if this anomaly is by design or simply the result of some ancient accident, but it allows a far greater degree of individuality to the planet’s Knight pilots. It has also led to a bloody history of conflict and warfare between – and occasionally even within – the Houses.

Volund Two-Seven Maker's Plate

Volund Two-Seven Maker’s Plate

Cnossath first came to the attention of outsiders in M27 during the Age of Strife. An Adeptus Mechanicus colonisation fleet – dispatched during a lull in the galactic warp storms – settled the world of Volund Two-Seven on the far side of what would – millennia later – be absorbed into the Imperium as the Skereig Subsector. Explorators from Volund soon discovered Cnossath and the Knight Houses that ruled it. The Houses swore allegiance to Volund in return for the knowledge to repair and maintain their Knight Suits, however they retained much more autonomy than is standard in such relationships. An ancient legend claims the Houses traded “a treasure of great price” for this autonomy, a story that has been linked to both Volund Two-Seven’s mastery of unusually strong crystalline alloys and to the unusual nature of Cnossath’s Thrones.

It was the freedom allowed by the Thrones – and the lack of Adeptus Mechanicus control over the houses – that led to the greatest crisis in Cnossath’s history. In 218.M37 during one of the planet’s regular Knight Wars, the Stronghold of House Mabb and its surrounding hive city were destroyed by a titanic plasma breach triggered by a combined bombardment from forces of Houses Cashel and Ventris. The scale of this disaster – and the damage inflicted upon the survivors and their holdings – led to the three remaining Houses negotiating a set of laws governing their interactions and to standardise resolution of disputes – a document they named the Mabb Concordat.

The Concordat replaced warfare with ritual combat between champions and established a system of standard penalties for breaches of honour both between and within Houses. Designed from the outset to be flexible and to expand when necessary, the Concordat ended millennia of conflict, and under its rule both the Houses and common folk of Cnossath prospered.

It is therefore a great irony that while the Knights of Cnossath are free of the burden of conditioning by their Thrones, the ever expanding rules of the Mabb Concordat have created a society every bit as restrictive as on any other Knight World. Over two thirds of all calendar days require the nobles of the Houses to perform certain rituals or abstain from specific behaviours. The wearing (or non wearing) of specific clothing is common, as are restrictions on what foods may be eaten and at what times. Nobles of different ranks may be prohibited from communicating, or may only communicate in strange and roundabout fashions. Certain texts may have to be read out by specific Nobles, many of which are in archaic dialects extinct for centuries. The onerous nature of these requirements are believed to account for the comparatively high numbers of Freeblade Knights hailing from Cnossath.

Also contributing to the number of Cnossath Freeblades is the tradition of the Geas Penitens. A Knight that seriously violates the Concordat may find themselves penalised with the application of a penitent quest. They are ceremonially banished from their House, and assigned a task or series of tasks that must be completed before they may be re-accepted. These tasks usually take the Knight off-world and may take decades to complete. Many Knights so banished never complete their Geas and take up the mantle of a Freeblade rather than try to recover their lost honour.

Rarer than the Geas Penitens is the Geas Portorium. If a high noble of a House finds themselves in significant debt to an individual or organisation they may pay off that debt by assigning a subordinate Knight or Knights to their command. Such deals are a common way of dealing with disputes both within and between Houses, but a Geas Portorium refers specifically to Knights assigned outside of the Houses, and usually off-world. To be assigned to a Geas Portorium is viewed as a great honour, as no House would be so ignoble as to attempt to pay off a debt with anyone but their best.

A Knight undertaking a Geas Penitens defaces the crest on their tilting plate with a diagonal black stripe and repaints their Knight Suit to obscure all house colours and personal heraldry. A Knight assigned to a Geas Portorium maintains their House and personal heraldry, but repaints their Suit to match that of the individual or body they are assigned to.

Urban Reflections

by Purple Wyrm on July 29, 2018

A few weeks back I needed to do some banking.

Given that this is the 21st century and I’m not completely out of touch with the new information super highway style of doing business I handle most of my banking online, but for this particular task I needed to speak to an actual living human being in an actual physical branch of my bank. Given that my local branch no longer opens on weekends (boo!) I had to gird my loins and prepare for a trip into the wild northlands of Noranda – a place we natives of the Bayswater riverlands do not visit lightly – if at all!*

(* This is dramatic nonsense, but it reads well!)

My first order of business was to figure out exactly where the bank was and what buses I would need to get there. So I fired up a certain popular mapping service and plugged in the address. This showed me that the branch was located in a shopping center (that’s ‘mini-mall’ for Americans and other aliens) that looked oddly familiar…

Back in my high school days my mother worked as a nurse at a doctor’s clinic in a small shopping center in the northern wastes. I hadn’t been there in decades, but I rapidly realised that this was the location of the bank! What a surprising development!

Except… as I looked closer things began to nag at me. Sure, there were parkland and playing fields to the south, but I seemed to remember a road ran through them straight to the centre? And I didn’t think there was a major road running down the east side of the carpark? The more I looked the more I realised that while the shopping center was incredibly similar to the place my mother worked, it wasn’t actually it!

Racking my brain turned up the fact that the clinic was located in Eden Hill, not Noranda. Scooting around the map a bit soon found the place, five kilometres to the south east. It’s no longer a shopping center – it’s been turned into a slightly suspicious looking church – and a chunk of the carpark has been reclaimed for housing, but the list of similarities between the two places are remarkable.

* Both sites are on the south side of a major road east-west road.
* Both sites slope downhill from said major road.
* Public parks are located on the the other side of said major roads.
* The main buildings are located at the south of their large carparks.
* Another building sits (or sat in Eden Hill) at the north west corner of both sites.
* A park and playing fields are located to the south of both sites.

It’s as if both shopping centers were cloned from the same original template, then altered slightly to fit the local conditions.

This reminded me of a something similar I noticed many years ago. In two separate places in Perth for many years you could stand at a major intersection, facing an art-deco theatre. Beyond the theatre to your left was an Italian restaurant. Beyond it on the right was a Geláre ice cream store. In the same direction (a bit further on for one of them) was a branch of Grill’d burgers, and just across the road from both theatres (in different directions though) was a Dôme coffee shop.

The theatres in question of course were the Regal in Subiaco, and the Astor in Mount Lawley. Both were originally movie theatres, the Regal converting to a stage theatre in the late 70s and the Astor following suit maybe ten years ago – which would have made the similarity even more striking if the Mount Lawley Italian place hadn’t moved a few years earlier.

I don’t think any meaning can be drawn from this, apart from a general commentary on how all cities are shaped by the same needs (and perhaps that Dôme, Grill’d and Geláre branches are everywhere), but it’s still kind of weird to spot these kinds of recurring patterns – as if we’re living in a procedurally generated simulation (if you never hear from me again please assume I have been taken away by late 90’s Hugo Weaving).

Oh, and in the end it turned out I could do the banking I needed to do online anyway, so I didn’t have to journey into the wilds of Noranda – which is good because the weekend bus services up that way are appalling.

Your Music is Bad and you Should Feel Bad

by Purple Wyrm on July 24, 2018

Your music is bad. Bad and boring.

I don’t mean the music you make – if you make any music at all. I mean the music you listen to. It’s dull, boring, run of the mill and all the same. It’s based on the same tired old ideas of rhythm, of melody and of notes that stick to a “scale” (whatever that may be).

Mother of God

Mother of God!

When was the last time you listened to something that startled you? That intrigued you? That made you wonder? When was the last time you put on some headphones and listened to something so wildly different – or downright terrible – that it  challenged your very concept of what music could be? Too long ago I say! And I’m here to remedy that! I’m here to tear down everything around you and replace it with sounds so strange, so deranged and so downright stupid that your ears will never be the same again!

So let’s begin our journey into sound…

I took a ride on a Gemini Spacecraft – The Legendary Stardust Cowboy
Also Sprach Zarathustra – The Portsmouth Sinfonia
Transfusion – Nervous Norvus
Love Train – Varga
Ice Cream for Crow – Captain Beefheart
Ice Ice Bacon – The Trotters
Tastee Christmas – Tastee Bros
Alligator Wine – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
Wuthering Heights – Mr Floppy
Wonderwall – Masonna
Bold Brathas – Boreale & Diomedes
Folsom Prison Blues – Shooby Taylor
It’s Halloween – The Shaggs
Puli Puli (Puli Tiger) – Darkey & The Keys
Clowny Clown Clown – Crispin Hellion Glover
I Ate Your Horse – Anal C**t
Peace and Love – John Trubee and the Geeks
Mr Tamborine Man – William Shatner
The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins – Leonard Nimoy
The Ruxton Rap – Bruce Ruxton
Buffalo – Stump
Golimar – Chiranjeevi
I’m an Individual – Jacko

This list will continue to grow as I remember more of this stuff…

‘Tective Man a Say, Say Daddy me Snow me What?? – The Tales of The Geek Underclass Soundtrack Part 3

by Purple Wyrm on May 6, 2018

And so finally we come to the third and last volume of the Tales of the Geek Underclass soundtrack. You may wish to check out Part 1 and Part 2, or just plunge onward and try to figure out what’s going on from context alone (good luck…)

21: The Stutter Rap – Morris Minor and the Majors – 1988

Religious education was of course a major component of our time at high school – probably no more so than in year eight when we were still young, impressionable and generally dazed and confused from our transition out of primary education. As such the year eight RE curriculum was focused very heavily on Catholic doctrine, aiming to get as much of it as possible wedged into our brains before we could get oriented enough to develop some kind of resistance. One unit in particular concentrated on the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit – Wisdom, Understanding, Counsel, Fortitude… uh… Splendour… errr… Industry and… Pierre Barthès?

In any case towards the end of this unit we were broken into groups and ordered to prepare a song highlighting said gifts for performance later in the week. Ryan and myself found ourselves teamed up with Abraham Blemmy, and – for lack of any better idea – the three of us got to work rewriting the lyrics of the previous year’s smash novelty hit Stutter Rap by Tony Hawks MBE.

It was not the greatest thing ever written. Much of it consisted of swapping words out for more religious ones – “Church” for “Club” and “Bible” for “Bottle” for instance. Then we whacked three hastily composed verses about the Holy Spirit onto the end and called it a day, assuming the success of our performance assured by the fact that Ryan had the song on cassette single, allowing us to play the distinctive intro riff before hastily hitting the STOP button and launching into our own version.

I don’t recall much about the performance, but have a feeling it was well received, probably because three nerds humiliating themselves by doing a piss-poor parody of a pretty good parody of the Beastie Boys was likely the funniest thing anyone had seen all week.

22: Girl’s Life – Girlfriend – 1992

It was rule that all of our schoolwork had to kept in a large lever-arch file. In something that was either a bold statement of rebellion or – more likely – sheer laziness, I would rarely if ever actually clip my papers in, I’d just shove them between whatever papers were already in there. I also never bothered to add any kind of protective or decorative cover on the folder – it remained bare, increasingly distressed, cardboard. As such my file become a notorious menace.

In English Lit one day Lauren Alighieri decided to take matters into her own hands and made me promise to add a cover to it. To get me started she pulled out a promotional flyer for Australia’s proto-Spice Girls, Girlfriend. “Do you like them?” she asked.

On the basis that, a) I thought they were kind of hot, and b) I would have said I liked fresh dog turd on toast if Lauren had suggested it, I replied “Well, they’re OK“. Lauren immediately grabbed a glue stick and stuck the flyer to the inside of the file.

I had a fair bit of explaining to do to my friends about why I was suddenly walking around with the least credible and least manly pop group since the Backstreet Boys decorating my schoolwork – at least until I ripped it out and covered the entire file with riveted metal plating made from olive oil tins instead.

I still have that file somewhere. I also still have a deep seated dislike for Girlfriend’s insipid pop music, but here there are on the soundtrack nonetheless.

23: Everything About You – Ugly Kid Joe – 1991

I found Ugly Kid Joe’s novelty ‘hate song’ very enjoyable, particularly the first verse where Whitfield Crane explains that he despises every possible location a person could visit – which was a pretty good summing up of my attitude to family trips at the time. Ryan however seemed to prefer their grunge influenced cover of the Harry Chapin classic Cats in the Cradle – or at least he’d randomly screech “MY BOY – WAS JUST LIKE ME!!” for years afterwards.

24: Infomer – Snow – 1993

Like everyone else in 1993 we were captivated trying to figure out what the hell Canadian rapper Snow was talking about. Something about Nana Mouskouri going ‘blam’? And ‘lecky boom boom’? Anyway it was catchy as hell no matter what he was jabbering.

Mark actually bought me a copy of the cassette single, which I suspect was a low key attempt to convert me to whatever slightly odd variety of Christianity his family practiced. As a result I am not only familiar with Informer, but with the B-Side Lonely Monday Morning, which is basically just Informer slowed down with a different chorus. Such variety!

25: The Grease Megamix – 1991

‘Megamixes’ were a thing in the 90s. They were a cheap way to manufacture a hit song by taking all the good bits from a bunch of vaguely related tracks and slapping them over a drum machine. The genre was pioneered in 1981 with Stars on 45, but it was the success of Jive Bunny and the Mixmasters and their 1940s themed Swing the Mood in 1989 that resurrected the idea for the ’90s.

As such it was inevitable that the release of Grease on home video would see the creation of a megamix. And what a megamix! It dominated the charts for weeks and was the third highest selling Australian single for the whole of 1991.

It was fun, it was catchy, and most of all it meant you could enjoy the music of Grease without having to actually suffer through watching Grease.

26: Joyride – Roxette – 1991

I make no apologies for Roxette being one of my favourite bands of the 90s. Their songs rocked then, their songs still rock now, and I will fight any man who says differently!

(Well, maybe apart from The Big L, I mean that one’s not great…)

Strangely I remember Joyride as their first big hit, but research indicates that it was just about their last. Maybe I was just very late getting on the bandwagon.

27: I’m Free – The Soup Dragons – 1990

While we generally held dance music in disdain we could recognise a good jam when we heard it. This track definitely qualified, probably because it was originally a Rolling Stones song.

28: Under the Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers – 1991

You couldn’t get away from this track back in ’91. It was another that we composed a parody to, this one about one of our less effective teachers. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a teacher, I just sit here and talk to my best friend…

The Chili Peppers toured Perth the following year and numerous girls in Justin and my physics class were quite excited to see them, particularly since they were known for performing wearing only a single sock each. “Where!?” commented a scandalised Justin. “Where would you put a sock if that’s all you had to wear, man?” I asked him by way of explanation.

29: December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night) – The Four Seasons/Ben Liebrand – 1993

This remix was a huge hit in our final year at high school. I particularly remember it being played on the year 12 retreat at Jarrahdale – presumably on cassette since radio reception down that way was notoriously horrible.

30: Last Train to Trancentral – The KLF – 1991

It is difficult to convey how much we geeks idolised, nay, worshipped the KLF. Their smash hit album The White Room was like holy scripture to us. We sang it. We quoted it. We ascribed strange powers to it, like the time the sign at the Home of Peace retirement village lit up one evening just as the line “…war and peace…” from Church of the KLF came sliding out of the car stereo. I memorised the rap (inaccurately as it turns out) from the Stand By the Jams version of Justified and Ancient and would recite it at such speed that it resembled speaking in tongues to try and impress girls (this never worked). We pondered the mysteries locked within Justin’s unplayable copy of History of the Jams, made efforts to obtain a copy of the aborted White Room movie and even christened Justin’s land rover The Justified.

We regarded Last Train to Trancentral as the greatest of the Stadium House Trilogy, not just because of the music, but because of the awesome model train layout (or in Justin’s case Wanda Dee) in the video.

– THIS IS WHAT KLF IS ABOUT –
– ALSO KNOWN AS THE JUSTIFIED ANCIENTS OF MU MU –
– FURTHERMORE KNOWN AS THE JAMS –

 

Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.

31: Two Princes – The Spin Doctors -1991

The Spin Doctors had a sizable hit with Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong, then followed it up with this even bigger hit. It cropped up repeatedly during our high school years, Mark discussing the lyrics in art class, Justin arguing that the video clip mocked overweight people, and being played towards the end of the graduation ball, during which we geeks mostly sat around a table slamming back cola and watching everyone else dance.

32: Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen – 1975

The Geek Underclass soundtrack would not be complete without Queen’s classic rock-ballad-opera-anthem-epic.

Everyone was a bit unsure about Queen. I mean, they were a gay band right? If you listened to Queen you might be gay – or be thought to be gay, which was something we geeks suffered through on a daily basis anyway and didn’t want any more of. We all changed our minds however in 1992 when the combination of Freddie Mercury’s passing and the song’s appearance in Wayne’s World rocketed it back up to the top of the charts for weeks on end and we all realised just what we were missing.

Apart from Satanic Shaun Bettar of course. He didn’t care if Freddy Mercury “wanted to break free”, he simply refused to acknowledge that anything lighter than Metallica could be considered rock music. But hey, that just meant there was more Queen for the rest of us.

And so we come to the end of the Tales of the Geek Underclass soundtrack. Thirty Two songs (assuming I’ve counted them right) that sum up my weird, strange, horrible and awesome high school years. There were many more tracks that could have been included, but I think these ones provide the best impression of that crazy half decade. Peace out, be excellent to each other and make mine a 99!

Useful Unicode Hieroglyphics

by Purple Wyrm on April 23, 2018

With a revised draft for extended Unicode hieroglyphs doing the rounds, let’s take the time to examine some of the more interesting and useful symbols currently available when writing in ancient Egyptian…

Cobra Defending a Lemon

13198 – Cobra Defending a Lemon

Ducks going for a Ride

13179 – Ducks going for a Ride

Man installing RAM

13028 – Man installing RAM

UFO with Oar

13099 – UFO with Oar

Awkward Moment Hippo

13101 – Awkward Moment Hippo

Hawk on Fruit Bowl

13148 – Hawk on a Fruit Bowl

Trombone

131BB – Trombone

Cobra Choir

13261 – Cobra Choir

Steve Buscemi

1308F – Steve Buscemi

Crocodile Sunbathing

1318B – Crocodile Sunbathing

Crocodile Bed Time

1318D – Crocodile Bed Time

Awesome Walking Stick

13109 – Awesome Walking Stick

My Coffee Table is Getting Away!

1321D – My Coffee Table is Getting Away!

Artillery Shell

13276 – Artillery Shell

Warning - Cymbal Secured by Cobra

131F4 – Warning – Cymbal Secured by Cobra

Snoopy

130E3 – Snoopy

Croquet Cancelled due to Slugs

132F5 – Croquet Cancelled due to Slugs

Slugs have Captured the Vatican

1335A – Slugs have Captured the Vatican

Awesome Toboggan

13344 – Awesome Toboggan

Chubby Plesiosaur

1317E – Chubby Plesiosaur

IKEA Home Decor Department

13262 – IKEA Home Decor Department

Hangover from Hell

1317D – Hangover from Hell

Abaddon the Despoiler, Warmaster of Chaos

1306F – Abaddon the Despoiler, Warmaster of Chaos

Seneb Dropped Acid Again

1314B – Seneb Dropped Acid Again

All the Russians Wanna Rock – The Tales of The Geek Underclass Soundtrack Part 2

by Purple Wyrm on April 21, 2018

Welcome to the second part of the theoretical soundtrack to the Tales of the Geek Underclass! If you haven’t read it already you may want to head back to Part One – otherwise, enjoy!

12: Sacrifice – Elton John – 1989

About halfway through our high school careers the elderly and hardly ever seen school Chaplain was replaced by the young and dynamic Father Jack. He was about as cool as any Catholic priest could hope to be, which was probably down to him being a Franciscan (all Franciscans harbour a touch of anarchy in their hearts) and his taking his dog with him everywhere, even up on the altar at school masses. We geeks ended up sharing a cabin with him on the year 12 retreat, which was certainly better than having to bunk down in the dorm with all the jocks.

One thing he did seem to miss the boat on though was the meaning of Elton John’s song Sacrifice. He played this incessantly at school religious events, linking it with Jesus’s crucifixion. Unfortunately it’s actually a song about infidelity and relationship breakdown. Not such a great choice there Father!

13: Momma’s Gotta Die Tonight – Body Count – 1992

Mr Feverson, the school art teacher, liked playing music in class. This generally varied between classical works such as Ravel’s Pavane for a Dead Princess and tracks from a ‘self-esteem’ CD he apparently thought suitable for the edification of teenagers rather than kindergarten children who might actually feel encouraged rather than talked down to by a song titled My Magic Brain.

I’m not entirely sure of the circumstances that lead to him authorising a student to play Body Count’s Momma’s Gotta Die Tonight. He stood by the CD player with an interested expression as the song began, an expression that became increasingly troubled as Ice-T rapped about discovering his mother was a racist. By the time Ice was beating his mother to death with a baseball bat Mr Feverson’s face was drawn and pale, and when it got to distributing her body parts all over the United States he looked ready to either burst into tears or pass out.

Personally I found the song to be so ridiculously over the top as to be hilarious. I can’t imagine seeing one of his students laughing hysterically at this sordid tale of matricide made Mr Feverson’s day any easier.

14: Jesus Was Way Cool – King Missile – 1990

Similarly bought in and played by a student was this meditative piece by King Missile. It was in Mr Eggar’s Religious Education class in 1993, our senior year. At the start of said year Mr Eggar had informed us that he didn’t believe in forcing religion down people’s throats so he would teach us whatever we needed to pass any tests and otherwise we should treat his classroom as a place to hang out, catch up on any study or homework we were lagging behind on, and generally just do whatever we wanted as long as it didn’t disrupt our fellow students. Forget Jesus, Mr Eggar was way cool.

One day someone bought in King Missile’s album and asked to play this song. Mr Eggar allowed it and we listened. We all agreed that it was pretty cool, and then asked Mr Eggar if we could play King Missile’s other well known track Detachable Penis.

Mr Eggar jumped up like he’d been shot and grabbed the CD player, stating that with ‘Fruitbat’ Romero as Principal there was no way in Hades he could allow us to play such a song. He maintained this line firmly despite much begging and my own explanation that the song was “just another way of looking at life” – a statement even I found puzzling as soon as it left my mouth.

15: So Far Away – Dire Straits – 1985

For reasons I can only attribute to the fact that their music is so damn good, Ryan and I became massive Dire Straits fans in high school. This was decidedly uncool – while the other kids were listening to Nevermind and Blood Sugar Sex Magic we were grooving to Brothers in Arms and swapping pirated tapes of On Every Street (my sloppy handwriting making My Parties look like My Panties was the source of great merriment, particularly as I’d filled up some left over space on the cassette with Single Handed Sailor). We’d challenge each other to identify Straits songs by their lyrics – Ryan notably baffling me by quoting The Blues (a rare track that I didn’t rate so much).

Dire Straits were also called into action when a couple of our geeky comrades forgot to bring in examples of ballads for English class. I happened to have Money For Nothing on me that day so Adam was assigned Tunnel of Love, while I managed to come up with a somewhat convincing argument for Walk of Life for Mark.

As such the soundtrack would not be complete without a contribution from Mr Knopfler, and what better than this classic tale of loneliness?

16: Jukebox in Siberia – Skyhooks – 1990

By 1990 glam rockers Skyhooks were looking rather worse for wear, but they managed to pull themselves together enough to commemorate the thawing of Russian relations with this hit novelty track.

We geeks had a somewhat mixed relationship with it – it should have been terrible on every level, but the the lyrics were pretty clever and the tune was really annoying catchy. We compromised by singing along with slightly altered lyrics – Jukebox in Siberia! A pain in the posterior!

17: Just the way it is Baby – The Rembrandts – 1991

Every time I hear this song it takes me back to the summer of 1991-1992, lying on my bed in my newly cleaned bedroom, listening to the radio and reading a graphic novel adaption of Dragons of Winter Night with the sun streaming in the windows and the entire school holidays in front of me.

18: You Could Be Mine – Guns n’ Roses – 1991

Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II both came out in 1991 and were regarded as almost holy artifacts when one of the bogans bought copies of them with him to the year 11 retreat at Jarrahdale. The obvious track to feature would be the awesome November Rain – particularly after Fabian spent hours and hours transcribing the violins by ear to reproduced them in a tracker program, but I’m instead featuring the decidedly second rate You Could Be Mine simply because Satanic Shaun Bettar almost punched me in the face when I mistakenly attributed it to Metallica during a discussion about Terminator 2 in art class.

19: To Be With You – Mr Big – 1991

Desperate efforts were made during the year 11 Jarrahdale retreat to try and pick up a Perth radio station for some decent music (the bogans refusing to yield either Use Your Illusion for general consumption). Fiddling with the aerial eventually picked up a crackly and distorted signal long enough to listen to Mr Big’s To Be With You and Zucchero and Paul Young’s Senza una Donna before it faded back into static.

20: What’s Up? – 4 Non Blondes – 1993

The current generation tend to know this as the HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA song, but back in 1993 we were blown away by the astonishing vocals (and most impressive hat) of Linda Perry.

So there we go. Be sure to check back soon for the third and final installment of the Tales of the Geek Underclass Soundtrack!

I Wanna be Just Like You – The Tales of The Geek Underclass Soundtrack Part 1

by Purple Wyrm on April 19, 2018

Back in the day when I was writing the Tales of the Geek Underclass I had the idea of putting together a soundtrack of songs that featured in the stories or evoked (for me at least) that particular period in history. I never did, mostly because I got a job, which cut down on the time I had to spend on writing, and I went on antidepressants which – although making me feel much better generally – affected my ability to write anything at all. The Tales stalled and getting perilously close to twenty years later I’m not sure if I could pick them up again. A lot of memories have faded, and not only am I no longer the kid who went through it all, I’m no longer the young adult who wrote what exists of them.

I’ll never say never, but the prospects of a Geek Underclass revival are – at this point – fairly dim.

The soundtrack project however is something that’s been hovering in the back of my head for close on two decades, and now that the data sucking behemoth that is Google hosts just about every song ever recorded by mankind on YouTube it’s a lot easier to accomplish than having to locate the tracks on Napster, spend a week downloading them across dial up, burn them to CDs, design and print covers and then distribute the finished items to people who probably don’t really understand what the whole project is about in the first place.

So, let’s get on with it…

(Yes, I could make a YouTube playlist but I am averse to willingly providing Google with even more info than they have already no doubt amassed on me. If they want this data they’re going to have to scrape it damnit!)

1: The King of Wishful Thinking – Go West – 1992

As a lovelorn teen I was very keen on the name of this song and adopted it as a personal title in relation to my long running crush on the girl I’ve glossed in the Tales as Lauren Alighieri. This was in spite of the fact that the song – as was repeatedly and vociferously pointed out to me by Ryan – was clearly about a guy unable to get over a breakup and there was no way I could “miss the way that [Lauren] used to kiss me” because we’d never even so much as held hands.

2: I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) – The Proclaimers – 1988

This was played on the bus to year 8 camp resulting in the entire year singing along with the “da da da da” bit – probably to the intense annoyance of the driver.

3: Enter Sandman – Metallica – 1991

No Tales soundtrack would be complete without something from Metallica, the favourite band of Satanic Shaun Bettar. He much preferred this to the other major cut from the Metallica album – Nothing Else Matters – which he described as a “soppy fucking love song”.

4: Just Like You – Robbie Neville – 1991

I clearly remember Ryan declaring this to be his favourite song ever. He equally clearly remembers hating it with the heat of a thousands suns. It’s funny how memory can mislead us.

5: Get Ready for This – 2 Unlimited – 1991

The early 90’s were when electronic dance music crossed into the mainstream. Most of it was appalling, and this major hit from the Netherlands was no exception. We hated it. It became for us a symbol of everything that was wrong with popular music. Its ubiquity throughout ’91 and ’92 and our burning hatred for it means that it cannot in honestly – despite its dreadful mediocrity – be excluded from any musical summing up of the Tales.

(Two additional notes: In a moment of random computer class insanity I re-coded the into music for a game where two giant gorillas threw explosive bananas at each other to the song’s synth riff, and I’ve never been able to shake the mental image that occurred to me when I first learned that 2 Unlimited were Dutch – that of two skinny old men in suspenders and flat caps with scraggly beards hanging down to their belts strutting up and down and performing dance moves on top of a canal boat.)

6: Winds of Change – The Scorpions – 1991

It’s probably difficult for anyone who grew up after the whole thing was over to appreciate just how momentous the end of the Cold War was. We’d all grown up with the fear of nuclear annihilation hovering over us, the world could end at any moment with only a few minutes warning and there was little to nothing we could do about it. Then, suddenly, in the space of a few short years it was all done. The Wall was down, the Russians were our friends and it was time to party! Paging David Hasselhoff!

Looking back from our post-9/11, Putin-on-the-warpath world the carefree days of the 90’s seem like another planet. But such has always been the way of the world.

The Scorpions’ anthem also makes it onto the album for another reason. I don’t know how the secondary school system runs nowdays, but back when the Geek Underclass were being forced through it the final two years – Year 11 and Year 12 – were optional. You generally only did them if you intended to go on to university. If you had an apprenticeship or job lined up (or if you just didn’t give a monkey’s) you could finish school at the end of year 10 and never come back. And if you stayed on, things got dead serious with only two years to prepare for the dreaded Tertiary Entrance Exam.

So for me at least, the end of 1991 was much more of an end of high school than my actual graduation at the end of Year 12 in 1993 was. It was the last time our class was complete, with a swathe of friends, enemies and bit players vanishing from the school stage. Our carefree childhoods ended and we became professional students, knuckling down and packing our brains for the TEE. Winds of Change felt like a commemoration of that transition, a graduation song a full two years early. I still remember sitting in a pew at the chapel down at Saint Brigit’s with it playing, although I can’t quite remember why we were there rather than at the school’s chapel/gym – maybe there was a volleyball game or something that day?

7: Friday I’m in Love – The Cure – 1992

There were two reasons we hated the Cure.

First of all they were Goths. Or at least they were listened to by Goths, which in our addled teenage minds pretty much added up to the same thing. Goths – strange, dark, and pale inhabitants of the GPO steps in Forrest Place – were the subject of much disdain, both in our day to day conversation and on Radio RTR’s letter request program Steregoround. We mocked them mercilessly, I even made up a Goth joke!

Q: How do you know when there’s a Goth in your freezer?

A: Face prints in the vanilla ice-cream.

I can’t think of a single reason why we despised Goths so. Possibly as close to the lowest members of the social heirarchy  we just needed some group to look down on, and Goths were a convenient target. Particularly so in that there were no Goths (obvious ones at least) at the school, and hence we had no fear of reprisals.

The second reason we despised the Cure is that they were the favourite band of one of our enemies, a girl I shall call Carisse Halter. While most of the school’s female population saw fit to simply ignore us, there was a small contingent who went out of their way to harass and belittle us, and Carisse was one of their leading lights. We would exchange insults and invective on a regular basis, and one of the most effective ways to rattle her was to mock her beloved Robert Smith. In particular I used to do a Robert Smith impression consisting of spreading out my hands, affecting a look of weepy confusion and making what are probably best described as high pitched wookiee sounds towards the sky.

Friday I’m in Love being the Cure’s biggest hit made it – in our minds – the most Gothic song ever written, and we were scathing in our disdain of it!

The irony was I actually thought it was a fantastic song and just pretended to hate it. And as the years went by and I shed the more gregarious idiocies of my adolescence I came to realise that the Cure are an amazing band with dozens of other fantastic songs. Sorry Carisse! Sorry Robert!

(I also developed a bit of a thing for Goth chicks, but that’s neither here nor there…)

8: Mistadobalina – Del tha Funky Homosapien – 1991

This was probably the first piece of hip hop our white arses ever heard. It was so catchy that we even rewrote a version about Sarge, the Chemistry teacher (for the record it wasn’t very good…).

9: The Globe – Big Audio Dynamite – 1991

We were huge fans of both The Globe and Rush by Big Audio Dynamite, so one of the two would have to feature on the soundtrack. I was particularly proud of having memorised the lyrics behind the chorus (Tryin’ to – get out this rain…).

10: Runaway Train – Soul Asylum – 1993

As a moody teen there are times when you simply have to wallow in self pity about how awful your life is and how no one cares about your feelings. One of the best songs for this during our school years – in my opinion – was Soul Asylum’s mega hit. Even today it still stands up – particularly when you realise it’s not about how your parents just don’t understand you, but about depression.

11: Heart in Danger – Southern Sons – 1990

Another song I enjoyed sulking to, Heart in Danger has not stood up anywhere near as well. The tune is still pretty rockin’ but the lyrics read like every moody teenager diary entry ever penned – which is presumably why it appealed to me so much at the time. Now it’s just pure cringe, and as such must be included in the soundtrack to remind us all of what free-wheeling, artless fools we once were!

So that’s it for today. Tune in soon for more 90’s goodness in the Tales of The Geek Underclass Soundtrack Part 2!

‘Haven a Good Time

by Purple Wyrm on April 16, 2018

I have been a bit busy of late.

My good friend Fabian has started up a Gloomhaven campaign in which I’m currently playing the Tinkerer. Naturally as a devoted Thrilling Intent fan I had no choice but to name him ‘Kier Fiore’ and have had barrels of fun restyling his actions into Kiresque things such as hurling around icy cold cans of Keer Energy Drink and explosive hairbrushes. I’ve also managed to get everyone around the table referring to his “harmless contraption” as “Mecha Kier” – there is little in life more enjoyable than having a bunch of people who have never watched a single episode of TI routinely saying stuff like “Can you summon Mecha Kier?”

(Of course I’m totally tipping my hand here, but if they don’t like it I’ll just launch an explosive pseudopony at them.)

We’re playing every second weekend which I’m finding a bit grueling at times, but it’s a hell of a lot of fun.

I’ve also been dipping my toe into the world of electronic music. Not actually making any of course, just ruining that already made by other, far more talented people. Scandroid to be specific.

A while back Klayton released a synthwave cover of the Michael Jackson classic Thriller which you can enjoy here…

Much like being turned into a whale by a wizard, this is awesome. But to my mind it could be even more awesome with one slight tweak. I mean, what could be better than Klayton plus MJ? What about Klayton plus MJ plus Vincent Price!

So, I got to work and with a few hours of messing around with audio editors that I barely understand I came up with this…


There you go! How’s that then?

The other inane thing I’ve done lately is spend many hours slogging through Google Image result pages to come up with a rather stupid thing inspired by this rather stupid thing that turned up on Reddit…

Simpsons Space Marine Legions

While that’s undoubtedly clever I though it a tad unambitious, so threw this thing together…

Simpsons 40k

Behold its majesty!

If you’re into Warhammer 40k its merits should be obvious. Otherwise please let me reassure you that it’s full of all kinds of clever puns and references that would have you rolling on the floor chortling with tears rolling down your cheeks if you only knew!

So yes, that’s your lot for the week (and if we’re honest probably the month…)