Vale Tardar Sauce

by Purple Wyrm on May 17, 2019

tardar_sauce

Important Advice for Humans

by Purple Wyrm on May 14, 2019

What has the world forgotten?

James Ensor, Belgium’s famous painter.

What’s worse than a cockroach landing on your face?

Awaking one morning from uneasy dreams to find yourself transformed in your bed into a gigantic insect.

What song haunts you?

“Love Will Conquer All” by Lionel Richie has been lurking in my basement rattling a length of chain and making strange moaning sounds since spring of 1997.

Who is the real life ‘Frank Underwood’ in your country?

No politician in my country is even half as intelligent as Frank Underwood.

There are three rabbits in a cage. Three girls ask to be given a rabbit and each recieve one. Yet there is still one rabbit in the cage. How?

Rabbits breed really fast.

What happened to Quiznos?

They sold their souls to the Spong Monkeys and never recovered.

What’s the correct way to pronounce “Benedict Cumberbatch”?

“Peng-wing”

You are in charge of lodging and boarding in the afterlife. Who would you bunk together in the same room?

Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, Kim il Sung and Chairman Mao would have to share one small room with three sets of bunk beds. It would also have the afterlife equivalent of webcams so everyone can enjoy the ensuing hi-jinks.

Which is the best planned crime in history?

The one no one knows about.

Flat earthers and Alien conspiracy theorists get into a fist fight at the bar. Who wins?

The rest of us.

If you had a giraffe that you needed to hide, where would you hide it?

Among many other giraffes

What makes a salad a salad?

Their relationship with Ssendam and Ygorl.

What do you think about Dubai city?

The modern Babylon. An unsustainable fever dream floating on a sea of oil. When the oil runs dry, Dubai will fall back into the desert, becoming a haunt of jackals and an abode of owls.

How much would it cost to go to the moon and smoke up?

Depends whether you want to come back or not.

How do you eat a creme egg?

Not at all. They are gross.

Aspiring Cult leaders, what is your sales pitch to get me to drink your Flavor-aid?

In my cult you get genuine Kool-aid!

What is the happiest thing you’ve ever seen at a wedding?

I went to a wedding at a Llama farm. The Llamas seemed pretty content.

Every day a former United States President starting with George Washington tries to kill you. What is your survival strategy?

Resurrect John Wilkes Booth!

Why is the earth a circle?

It’s an oblate spheroid you cretin!

When does 1 + 1 not equal 2?

For sufficiently small values of 1.

You win two metric tons of shrimp. What do you do?

SHRIMP!
HEAVEN!
NOW!

Would you accept the whole world going metric if the whole world drove on the right side of the road in return?

But if we have to drive on the right, how am I to strike oncoming motorists with my cane?

What’s the most evil thing you’ve done for a laugh?

I shot a man in Reno just to laugh at him while he died.

If you were to be an insect, what insect would you want to be?

A Lord Howe Island Land Lobster.

Why is Donkey Kong called Donkey Kong?

Because “Ass Kong” wouldn’t be acceptable in the American market.

Have you been to the Dark Web? What did you see?

It’s wild man! There’s this dog which does circus tricks, and a trained gorilla, and all of Donald Trump’s emails and you can sit and read them all you want and there’s this guy who comes around with a drinks cart and he’ll make you the best Long Island Ice Tea you’ve ever had! I’m going back on Thursday!

Why is the murder of people aged 10 ten to 35 that believe walking sticks are an acceptable fashion accessory illegal?

Because roughly one in five cane wielders are secretly experts in the martial art of Bartitsu, and the death toll among those trying to (however justifiably) murder them was completely unsustainable.

What’s the weirdest food you’ve seen someone bring to work or school?

This guy bought in a slice of meat placed between two slices of bread, smeared with some kind of grease, which he called a “Sand-Witch”. He’s clearly insane!

If you and your crush go to different schools but text a lot, what does it mean?

It means that they are an avatar of the dreaded snake god Yig and are planning to sacrifice you to their million children at the next equinox!

You are granted the right to make a single rule change to ONE sport of your choosing. Which sport do you choose, what rule do you implement?

Baseball. When a batter strikes out they must bow (from the waist) to the catcher and loudly exclaim “THANK YOU FOR MY LESSON NOBLE GRANDFATHER!”

If you were given one thousand acres of land that you didn’t need to pay taxes on but couldn’t sell, what would you do with it?

Build a worm store.

If you were stuck in the world of Candyland with Kim Jong Un and Rihanna, and the objective to ascend is to slurp, how would?

I don’t understand a word you just said.

People in the UK, anyone know what that big ball of light outside is?

It’s just the Orfordness Lighthouse!

What’s the worst name for a baby?

Osama von Hitlerstalin

People who have spent time in a psych ward, what was your experience?

It’s all you can eat prescription drugs like Thorazine, and Lithium, and electroshock treatments with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and life is beautiful all the time, and you’re happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats!

Aliens are just a cover story – what’s the real horrifying truth about Area 51?

It’s where they keep the things recovered from the vaults under Wewelsburg castle at the end of World War II.

What annoying habbits do you have that drive people crazy ?

Well, Frodo keeps pulling these really stupid practical jokes on everyone and… oh, sorry, I misread…

Who is actually unironically excited for the live action Sonic movie?

Nobody?

If Shrek was real, where on Earth would he live?

The Pinsk Marshes of Eastern Europe. The talking donkey is obviously down to contamination from Chernobyl.

What Teletubby are you?

Gulp-Gulp, the one who was exiled from Teletubbyland for continually screening hardcore vore.

How do you pronounce scone?

“Doge”

The Devil has come to town, and will give you everything you dream of if you defeat three mythological creatures – a dragon, Medusa and the Minotaur – using only one object. Failure means death. What object do you choose?

I’d choose a copy of Das Kapital, convert them to Communism and make them rise up against the bourgeoisie.

What’s the best type of cheese?

Cheese made from the milk of the mates of the goats that pull Thor’s chariot!

What are some stereotypes of the people who live in Wisconsin?

They’re all named Jon Jonson and work at a lumber mill.

If you could visit any one person through out history, in the future or past, who would you choose?

Martin Luther. I’d paint my face red and jump out of a bush at him, sounding an air horn and yelling “BLALALALALALALA!!!! I AM THE DEVIL!!!!”

You have the power to change colour of anything in the universe. What change would you make?

All cows are now offensively fluorescent pink!

When a website says it uses cookies, what exactly does that mean?

It means a girl scout is watching everything you do on it.

What’s a really funny Spoonerism?

A toast to the queer old Dean!

What comes to mind when you hear “Singapore”?

Humidity and a government that borders on Fascism.

How hasn’t AOL gone out of business?

They continue to reap huge profits by recycling the plastic from their warehouses full of free trial CDs. Current estimates say the supply will run dry in mid June 2064, so sell your AOL shares before then!

What culture is the best?

Subba Culture!

You have to escape the FBI, where will you hide?

The J. Edgar Hoover building. They’d never expect to find me right under their noses!

How will you get inside?

I’ll pretend to be a pizza delivery guy, then I’d hide out in the drywall.

What do you think Alien feces would look like?

What do you think they’ve been putting in McDonalds apple pies for years?

What are some important developments a civilisation must achieve to be considered advanced ?

The Fruit Corner Yogurt Packet.

What does fart power do?

Propel Chinese philosophers across lakes.

What’s the best way to get white teeth after years of neglecting them ?

Follow someone with nice teeth into an alley and repeatedly punch them in the mouth.

What do you usually carry in your glovebox?

The Jade Monkey

Time travel becomes common: what new sports are now possible?

Dinosaur rodeo!

What is the least appropriate time to do finger quotes?

I swear to tell “the truth” and nothing but “the truth”, so help me “god”…

Based on conversations you’ve had or overheard, what are some major plot points of a TV show you’ve never watched?

There is a nerd, and possibly some other nerds, and the first nerd likes to say “bazinga” for presumably nerdy reasons.

A human with integrated prosthetic limbs or organs is called a cyborg. What is a human called that has no natural organic matter left and is fully converted from the top of the head to bottom of toes?

A Senior Magos of the Adeptus Mechanicus.

When someone goes to bed, doesn’t that mean that they, like, die for a couple of hours?

I think you might be doing sleeping wrong…

What happens to dead grizzly bears?

A team of black bear funeral directors take care of all the details to spare their relatives.

What’s the perfect fast food order?

Extra Surly Chicken with a side of Lung Puppies.

If by killing others you increased your health and lifespan, what changes do you think there would be to the world as we know it?

There would be no need for orphanages.

Who would get to kill the orphans?

Why, the rich of course!

What is the most likely diagnosis for the Sheldon Cooper character on The Big Bang Theory?

Terrible writing.

You can remove up to a total of one minute of footage from any movie in order to make it as confusing as possible, what do you remove from which movie?

Star Wars: A New Hope. I’d remove Luke making the shot and blowing up the Death Star, so there’s just an inconclusive space battle, then everyone goes home and gets medals.

What’s your least favorite state in the US?

Idaho. It knows what it did!

The Nazis are back, how does the public react?

Vote for them, apparently.

What’s the weirdest rumour that you have heard?

That there’s a temple in Pakistan where they crush the pituitary gland of orphaned babies so they grow up as mentally impaired ‘rat children’ who can raise money for the temple by begging.

How can someone watch The Big Bang theory online?

I’m still wondering how anyone can watch the Big Bang Theory full stop.

To where do the doves flock?

To the Hobby Shop where they do buy flock.

What do you think of Momo?

Back in my day Momo was the Missouri Monster and that’s the way we liked it!

What do you think of The Process Church of the Final Judgment?

The Church Universal and Triumphant have better tunes.

What is the proper etiquette when you have diarrhea and you go into a stall but someone is already in the stall next to you?

Shout “AT HIS INFERNAL MAJESTY’S REQUEST!!” then let fly.

What’s a Pokémon design that hasn’t been made yet that you would love to see in a new game?

It starts as Glenn Beck, evolves into Alan Jones, then explodes.

How old should you be to drink Kombucha?

Sixty-five. At that point you’ve lived a decently long life so it won’t matter if the local Hippy’s festering clump of fermenting bacteria has been contaminated with salmonella.

How many times should you say “Chugga” before you finish it off with  “Choo Choo?”

Ten times. No more, no less!

People who have eyes looking two directions, can they actually see two angels or do they have normal vision?

Yes, but only Nathaniel and Azoriel and they’re pretty crappy Angels.

You were just elected President of the United States. What’s the first policy you’re going to enact?

Puerto Rico is now a state, but to save on flag money Mississippi is now part of Cuba.

You can dispense any two liquids from each of your two index fingers for the rest of your life with no limitation. What two do you choose, and why?

That vodka with gold flakes in it – so I can filter out the gold and be rich – and squid ink – so I can Zoidberg out of any awkward situations.

Why not just liquid gold?

Sometimes a man likes to get drunk.

What’s the worst thing to see in the woods alone?

Every bear that ever there was.

What do you imagine life on the International Space Station would be like if they all had a pet cat?

Messy and short.

If you were to insult someone, but couldn’t use any cuss words, what would you say?

“You, sir, are a pathetic excuse for a Hotel Manager!”

If you could have one extra body part (that fully functions), what would it be and why?

An extra heart would be great not just as a backup, but also for Dr Who cosplay!

If you were the Roman Emperor and the Empire was at the brink of collapse, what would you do?

Poison my mother, sleep with my sister and marry my horse!

Who killed Gambino boss Frank Cali?

Personally I suspect that a Gambado killed the Gambino.

Where did the pineapple come from?

When a pine tree and a bromeliad love each other very much…

Who is tracking the FBI?

The Coast Guard?

Why is propane stored above ground, while petrol and diesel are stored underground?

Storing propane underground just attracts molemen.

What did we build this city on?

Proletarian Toy-oy-oy-oilll!

What would happen if you hid in Disneyland overnight?

You would not survive. At night the staff retreat into the tunnels, seal the doors and  let the real Mickey Mouse out.

What are your thoughts on A.I. ?

Abominable Intelligence is an affront to the Omnissiah! I declare you a Heretek! Report for servitor conversion at once!

Who discovered gene cascades?

Doctor Gene Cascade. They named them after him.

What are your morals and alignment?

Chaotic-Depressed

Teef is a showerthought. Try figure it out but no sense bent made. Explain it to me dear?

Put down the bong and go to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.

What would be nearly impossible to accomplish with no light at all?

Painting a picture of a lovely horse

What do you wish for when you see a shooting star?

To get with child a mandrake root

What’s something your opposing political party doesn’t understand about you?

I will vote for policies based on science and basic human decency.

What would you be doing right now if you had the power to go invisible?

Running around inside the Whitehouse with an air horn.

What does playing basketball have to do with being tall?

Thomas Jefferson had it written into the Bill of Rights that “only those of six feete tall or more” would be allowed to “partake of the game of Ball-in-the-Baskete at the professional levell”. The rest of the founding fathers had had a big night and by the time they sobered up and actually read Jefferson’s submission it was too late to remove it.

What would you do if you were a vampire?

Invest in term deposits.

Where’s Lola when you need her?

In a club down in North Soho.

What do you call people who hate the imperial system but prefer expressing their height in feet and inches?

Australian

Cats are assholes, what’s yours done?

My cat, or my asshole?

It’s 3am, what are you crying over this time?

The existence of Matchbox Twenty

Do you have any advice for someone going on the dark web for the first time?

Don’t take any wooden bitcoins

What is the worst part about having a penis?

I’d say it’s awfully nice to have a penis!

What are the legal issues of setting up a small bear trap in your vehicle?

Depends on the local population of small bears.

Which book has the worst movie adaptation?

There was this TV movie called ‘A Wizard of Earthsea’. I presume they paid Ursula K. Le Guin to use the name for some random script a producer’s 12 year old scribbled up.

You’ve won the lottery to officially choose new names for all the planets, what are they now called?

Mercure Hotel
Weenus
Dirt
Vulcan
Big Boy
Ring Boy
Blue Boy
Blue Boy Two, Electric Boogaloo

What about Ceres, Eris, Makemake and Haumea?

Brunch
Breakfast
Dinner
Spiro

What is the scariest monster you can imagine?

An oversized, mentally challenged oompa-loompa with access to a nuclear arsenal.

What are your thoughts on magic and the occult?

They’re good for making a buck!

Why are you sooo uggly lool!?

I was born this way. And don’t call me Lool.

If you could go back in time and give blueprints to an invention before it was even thought of, What would it be and who do you give it to?

I’d give Hitler detailed blueprints for a Fitbit and tell him it’s a super weapon that will defeat the Soviets.

What year were you born?

The year of the great drought, the passing of the Bird Man, and the dawn of the blood plague

What would you recommend doing in Prague?

Golem hunt!

What job exists because we are idiots?

Homeopathist

For one day, all animals obey you and do your bidding- what do you do in those 24 hours to make the most of this power?

Every raven within 100 miles of Donald Trump flies to him and just sits there, silently staring.

How would our world be changed if all the religion of the world were removed and never existed?

We would be living in golden paradise cities floating above the land on clouds of pure reason, children would compete in organised team logic contests and Richard Dawkins would be king!

If Tuesday are for Tacos, then what are Wednesdays for?

Water closets

What exactly do stores do when the power goes out?

Depends on the store. At Walmart the floor managers organise the staff into hunting packs to catch the largest customer possible, who will then be sacrificed to the spirit of Sam Walton in an attempt to restore the power.

Would you tell anyone if you very clearly saw a UFO, and had zero doubt about what it was?

If I had zero doubt about what it was then it wouldn’t be an unidentified flying object

What is a video game that can’t be turned into a movie?

Uwe Boll has shown us that no such thing exists.

What do you like (or hate) about eating at Panda Express?

That they got rid of the tanks where you could choose what panda you want to eat 🙁

What is the end goal of the Republican Party in the United States?

For all Republican politicians to be rich as God

Who is the sexiest woman alive on this planet?

Professor Alice Roberts

Why do some larger buildings have stones/pebbles layering the top of their roof?

It’s intended to block the signals from the Government mind control satellites (and stop the roof from blowing away).

What is your favorite part of The Matrix?

The scene just after they get Neo out of the tank where he and Morpheus bond over their shared sadness that they have no hair to braid.

How do you raise children? Would you recommend a book?

Yes I would. Having a book is infinitely preferable to raising children.

How would you kill a giant bearlion that was resistant to bullets?

Challenge its masculinity until it falls into despair and can’t go on.

How did you realize you are not the normal person you thought you were?

I never considered myself to be normal.

Meanwhile on Vogsphere

by Purple Wyrm on May 12, 2019

Ah! Rugose, flaccid nose-hole of the ruffled temple zone,
Your googly funnel-bunny gnaws a constipating bone,
The flow of curdled fennel burbles freely ‘twixt my toes,
Like humming lemon lemmings plinking furgled fertile rows,
Give over to me all your wingèd tokens priss-pristine,
Lest I dislocate your gruntle sack you disgusting pervert,

Brichester and Parts Beyond

by Purple Wyrm on May 4, 2019

In early 1960’s Liverpool – a city still suffering the scars of the determined Luftwaffe bombardment of twenty years earlier – a teenage boy purchased a short story collection titled Cry Horror! from a sweet shop that also did a line in second hand books. The book was a re-titled print of H. P. Lovecraft’s The Lurking Fear and Other Stories, and the boy was a young Ramsey Campbell who would go on to become one of Britain’s greatest horror authors.

Totally infatuated with Lovecraft’s work, the young Campbell whipped off a series of pastiches set in H. P.’s fictional New England towns of Arkham, Kingsport and Dunwich. Then – in a remarkable act of self confidence – he sent them off to August Derleth, Lovecraft’s literary executor and publisher.

One would expect Derleth to have thrown these efforts straight into the bin, but apparently he saw something in them. He wrote back to Campbell telling him “in no uncertain terms” how to improve his writing, including advice to stop trying to imitate Lovecraft’s style, and to stop trying to set his tales in America. Campbell took this advice on board and shortly afterwards Derleth published one of his rewritten tales – with a revised title and some other editorial amendments – in a short story collection, and a few years later published an entire book of his stories – The Inhabitant of the Lake and Less Welcome Tenants.

Over the next few years Campbell continued writing Lovecraft inspired works, gradually developing his own voice and style. In the process he created his own version of Lovecraft’s New England, a fictionalised version of Gloucestershire’s Severn Valley sometimes referred to as ‘Campbell Country’.

The locales of Campbell Country and Lovecraft Country can be roughly matched. The university town of Brichester maps to Arkham. Temphill is Kingsport – despite the former’s inland location. Goatswood is an English version of Dunwich. Of course as Campbell continued his writing his versions moved further away from the originals.

So, why am I writing about all this? It comes down – as it usually does with me – to cartography.

The Inhabitant of the Lake contained a map of Campbell Country, as did the 1995 tribute anthology Made in Goatswood. But both of them were sketch maps at best. The problem of developing a more detailed map of the Severn Valley has vexed me ever since I discovered Campbell’s oeuvre in the 1990s, and a few years back I decided to finally do something about it.

Map from "The Inhabitant of the Lake and Other Less Welcome Tenants" 1964

Map from “The Inhabitant of the Lake and Other Less Welcome Tenants” 1964

 

Map From "Made in Goatswood" 1995

Map From “Made in Goatswood” 1995

 

The primary problem with Campbell country is that there’s actually no room for it! It lies between the lower Severn River and the Cotswold hills – an area about 15 kilometres across. Brichester – a city easily the size of Swindon – would take up most of that space, leaving nowhere for the various desolate plains and creepy, isolated villages of Campbell’s stories. The map from Made in Goatswood even tries to fit the whole region in between the river and the M5 motorway, an area 6 kilometres across at the very widest!

On top of this, the Vale of Berkeley (as the region is properly known, the term ‘Severn Valley’ usually applying to areas north of Gloucester) is full of villages and urban developments, leaving ever less room for ominous woods and alien monuments.

So, I made two decisions. Firstly I would ignore matters of scale, and secondly I would free up space by replace existing locations with Campbellian ones.

So I got to work. But then (as so often happens) I got distracted. But then a few months back I found the files and decided to get back onto it.

In my revised geography Purton becomes Severnford with Old Severnford on the opposite side of the river. Claypits become the decaying hamlet of Clotton – it’s in the right place and I couldn’t resist the alliteration. The real world town of Cam is shrunk down to provide room for Camside. Ulley is converted to the sinister Goatswood and its valley filled with forest. Nympsfield becomes Temphill. The area around Haresfield (appropriate!) is depopulated and Warrendown plumped in the middle. Brichester Lake (and its inhabitant), the Devil’s Steps and Castle Morley are placed appropriately, and finally the city of Brichester is placed on the intersection of the railway and the A38 (which looks like this in reality). A few roads are moved, a few rivers redirected, and we’re done!

So here is my map of Campbell Country. I’ve no doubt made some mistakes and some incorrect assumptions, but overall I’m pretty happy with it.

Iä Gla’aki! Iä Iä Y’golonac!

Brichester and the Severn Valley

Brichester and the Severn Valley

Vague Alternative History Ideas

by Purple Wyrm on February 18, 2019

Some vague ideas towards an alternate universe history (and map) of Australia…

1788: The First Fleet arrives at Botany Bay, establishing the the settlement of Port Botany and the Colony of New South Wales.
1825: The Colony of Van Diemen’s Land is separated from New South Wales.
1826: The settlement of Albany is established at King George Sound at the west of the continent.
1825: Founding of Brisbane.
1827: Fort Wellington founded at Raffles Bay on the north coast of the continent.
1829: The Swan River Colony is established.
1832: The Swan River Colony is abandoned.
1834: Albany is proclaimed the capital of the Colony of New Holland.
1835: John Batman founds Batmania on the Yarra river.
1836: The Colony of South Australia is proclaimed. Land east of the Murray River remains part of New South Wales. Settlement of Adelaide.
1840: Colony of New Zealand proclaimed.
1851: New South Wales south of the Murray River is proclaimed as the Colony of Victoria with the capital at Batmania.
1859: New South Wales north of the 29th parallel and east of 141 meridian east is proclaimed as the Colony of Queensland.
1861: The area of New South Wales west of South Australia is transferred to New Holland.
1863: The area of New South Wales north of South Australia is transferred to South Australia.
1901: New South Wales, Queensland, South Australia, Van Diemen’s Land, Victoria and New Zealand form the Commonwealth of Australia. New Holland refuses, but the eastern goldfields declare independence and join the Commonwealth as the state of Auralia with the Capital at Kalgoorlie.
1911: After a decade of acrimonious debate Batmania is declared national capital. The northern portion of South Australia is separated into the Northern Territory with the capital of Raffles Bay.
1927: The Northern Territory is divided along the 20th parallel, creating the Territory of Central Australia, with the capital of Alice Springs.
1933: New Holland votes to join the Commonwealth in a referendum.
1961: Queensland north of the 22nd parallel is separated as the State of Capricornia with the capital of Townsville.

The Mystery Church of Garratt Road

by Purple Wyrm on December 27, 2018

As I am sure has escaped no one’s notice I am a bit of a nerd. A lot of a nerd to be honest. And given that two of the way ways said nerdery manifests are as a love of maps and a love of history, it should surprise no one that I know a bit more about both the geography and history of my suburb than the average punter staggering out of the Bayswater station Cellarbrations of a Friday night. As such I was quite intrigued of late to stumble over a strange and tantalising local history mystery…

In the run up to Christmas developed a most lamentable and lazy habit of getting the bus home from work rather than getting some exercise in by catching the train and walking from the station. There are several buses that I can catch, the 48 and 55 for instance will drop me right outside my door. The 950 will get me to Morley where I can swap to a 48 or 998, or I could even get the 998 directly from work if I’m happy to spend an extra hour looping around the far side of Herdsmans Lake. If I was feeling particularly insane I could even get the 999 and spend three hours taking in Fremantle and the desolate land of wind and ghosts (AKA south of the river) before returning home. But the bus relevant to this particular mystery is the 41.

The 41 bus behaves like a decent, ordinary 48 or 55 for most of its route before recklessly and without warning veering off into the wild lands between Guildford Road and the river at Maylands. It wanders back and forth through the tangle of suburban streets, emerges briefly back into the light of day at Garratt Road, then plunges back into the wilderness before finally coming to rest only a few blocks from my domicile. If the weather is behaving it’s quite a pleasant walk, taking in both historic Halliday House and the day care centre constructed on top of a PCB dump (if the crazed photocopy stuck up on the IGA noticeboard a few years back is to be believed).

It was at the turn off from Garratt Road a few weeks back that the mystery began. Looking up from my novel I spotted something extremely curious in the distance. It looked for all the world like a church!

Now, I know the local churches. There’s the Catholics at the top of the hill, the Romanian Baptists at the bottom of the hill, the Anglicans halfway down the hill on the other side, the – well I don’t know what it was originally but nowdays it’s the Sikh Gurudwara just a block along from the Anglicans, the Russian Orthodox by the railway line, the Buddhists near the McDonalds, the Ukrainian Orthodox just near the Buddhists and even the Happy Clappys up at the old council offices. But an ecclesiastical building between Guildford Road and the river?!  I’d never heard of such a thing!

So, it was time for research! By which I mean jumping onto Google Earth and zooming around the area looking for a suitably religious looking rooftop. It was hard going. I thought I had it briefly but it turned out my sense of scale was off and I was looking at someone’s garage. A good ten minutes of scrolling and jumping in and out of street view left me baffled. Where was this mystery church? Was it a mirage? Was it a hallucination? Was it an illusion created by Ozzy Osbourne? (He does that more than you’d think). I just could not find it!

So I went back to first principals. I dropped back into street view at the Garratt Road turn off and sighted along the line I remembered for the mysterious building. Then I jumped back into satellite view and traced the line forwards…

And it turned out I’d done goofed up.

I had assumed – as I so often do with street grids – that the street grid around Garratt Road was regular. It is not. The street I sited the punitive church down was not parallel to Guildford Road, but was angled to converge at it. To converge in fact dead on the Romanian Baptists. The mystery church that puzzled me so much was an already known church seen from an unexpected angle. Boy was my face red!

So, what is the moral of this lurid tale? I’m not sure there is one. I’m sure I could spin something together about being prepared for unexpected viewpoints and the destination being the starting point, but I’m a web developer, not a self help guru. Just take this as another pointless interlude in my pointless, carefree life.

Hottest 100 Votes 2018

by Purple Wyrm on December 24, 2018

Blah blah, that time of year again, blah blah Triple J Hottest 100, blah blah too depressed to write anything approaching decent commentary, blah blah enjoy my questionable musical tastes ya filthy animals…

Hatchie – Sugar & Spice
1950s infused Shoegaze

Amy Shark – I Said Hi

Superorganism – Everybody Wants To Be Famous
Well, that’s certainly a Superorganism video…

YUNGBLUD – Polygraph Eyes

Grimes featuring HANA – We Appreciate Power
A hymn to that thing we’re not supposed to talk about…

Alex The Astronaut – Waste Of Time
Probably my favourite song of the year

Bec Sandridge – Animal

King Princess – Fell In Love With A Girl (Triple J Like A Version 2018)

The Beths – You Wouldn’t Like Me

Golden Features – Runner

Walk with Haste if you Choose to Stay…

by Purple Wyrm on December 8, 2018

Some time back my good friend Ryan introduced me to Hero Forge – a quite brilliant website that allows you to design customised gaming figurines and then have them 3D printed. I’ve been playing around with it and on a whim decided to try and make figures from the Third Wheel’s equally brilliant web series Thrilling Intent.

I present the results – of varying quality – below.

Markus VelafiFirst up I present our favourite Tiefling Sorcelock – the man who’s made of lies and smiles – Markus Velafi.

Not Markus VelafiThis of course is not Markus Velafi. This is merely an innocent bystander. Markus Velafi? Never heard of him.

Horatio ProtagonisteOf course big man on campus Horatio Protagoniste requires no introduction!

gregor2My second attempt at good guy with a glaive, Gregor Hartway. I’m pretty happy with this version.

AsheMy final take on Ashe. Now with bracers!

InienInien of course, who is better than you. Her costume is a bit off (although suitably stylish if not entirely overwrought), but the attitude is dead on.

kier2Version two of Human Number One (out of a sample size of one), Kier Fiore.

ThogThog, lead pipe in hand, ready to defend his money from the Tax Goat. I’m actually pretty happy with him, all he needs is a waistcoat (vest to you Americans).

Don'tDon’t! Baking pan in hand to make you some delicious pastry (or sacrifice you to her Queen…)

RatOur favourite giggling purveyor of EXTREMELY CURSED items, Rat!

Hronk!And here’s one of his awful babies. HRROOONNNK!!

HarlockAnd last but definitely not least Chellisandre Harleaux – AKA Harlock. I’m very happy with this depiction.

I’m probably not done with this. Colvin is likely coming up, and how can I resist Vern with his skeleton legs? But that’s it for today at least…

LATER…

verneI said I wouldn’t be able to resist making Verne. Here he is, shooting skeletons out of his sleeves and showing off his bony legs (he is a semi-litch after all!).

colvinA not terribly accurate version of Colvin. It’s frankly amazing that I was able to cover up his eye!

kylilA rather dramatic version of Kylil, complete with a lantern.

ballastHey Guuuuuuuuuurl! It’s Ballast McGee!

zalvettaAnd finally the abomination that is Zalvetta (I think that’s what the spirit folk called him, isn’t it?)

Right, I am done now.

Horrible Warhammer 40k Memes

by Purple Wyrm on November 17, 2018

Sometimes I just can’t help myself…

That's a Paddlin'

Oh, you better believe that’s a Paddlin’!

 

It's GellAr - With an 'A' you idiots!

It’s GellAr – With an ‘A’ you idiots!

 

Warmaster Horace

Warmaster Horace

 

The Primarch Leman Ross

The Primarch Leman Ross (Thanks to Ryan for inspiration)

 

Changuinius

Changuinius

 

Joeytai Khan

Joeytai Khan

Medieval Holy Land Pilgrimage Monopoly!

by Purple Wyrm on November 15, 2018

It is generally agreed that Monopoly is a terrible board game. It is incredibly long and incredibly dull while at the same time somehow being viciously predatory. It’s the kind of game where you spend hours shuffling bits of paper around while developing a deep and abiding hatred for all the other players, one of whom always wins because they’re so invested in the thing as to have studied the extremely simple yet extremely dull strategies required for a guaranteed win. Burn in boardgame hell Monopoly!

Despite this, my brain has wandered unstoppably down one of those strange little paths of busfuckery that plague me so, and designed a reskin of the game that’s bound to be far more popular than that “Millennial Edition” they’re currently hawking. I have invented Medieval Holy Land Pilgrimage Monopoly!

The streets are replaced with cities on the pilgrimage routes from northwest Europe to Jerusalem. Players collect gold by constructing Inns and Hospices. The railways are replaced with great medieval ports – let’s say London, Venice, Constantinople and Acre – while the utilities are holy relics – perhaps the Spear of Longinus and the True Cross. Players don’t go to Jail, they get captured for Ransom. “Community Chest” becomes “The Knights Hospitaller”, and “Chance” is retitled “Fate” for that true medieval flavour. The playing pieces are – of course – replicas of pilgrim badges.

It will be massive! I await my royalty check from Hasbro.