On Horny Space Salamanders

Horny Space Salamanders Batman!

You know, Threshold – the infamous episode where Tom Paris travels really fast, turns into a salamander then has salamander babies with Captain Janeway) really should have been the last episode of Star Trek: Voyager.

I don’t mean production should have been shut down, everyone fired and the sets put to the torch – although a case for that can certainly be made – I mean that they discovered a perfectly plausible way to get back to Earth in no time flat.

The souped-up, transwarp shuttlecraft that inexplicably turns people into horny amphibians moves at infinite speed – it occupies every point in the universe at once until the pilot decides where to drop out of transwarp. As such there’s nothing stopping the pilot jumping instantly from the Delta quadrant to Earth orbit. The transformation into a space salamander takes some time to start, so they can land at the nearest medical facility and explain that they’re about to grow gills and cough up their own tongue, but that their doctor has prepared a complete treatment protocol and it’s right here on this PADD. A couple of days later they’re back to normal with no harm done and they’re home.

Janeway should instantly have devoted all of Voyager’s resources into building transwarp shuttles, packing them full of crew members and sending them back to Earth. The last person to leave the ship sets the self destruct to avoid contaminating the Delta quadrant with Federation tech, and everyone arrives back home safe and well with only the slight inconvenience of turning into an amphibian for a couple of days.

But no. Gotta hit that end-of-episode reset button! How else would we have been treated to the exquisite cringiness of the Doctor and Seven-of-Nine duetting on You Are My Sunshine?

The Life of Miles O’Brien

Well, today I have what I believe is conventionally described as “a date”. We shall see how this goes.

In the meantime, you should all check out Chief O’Brien at Work, which points out that life aboard the USS Enterprise D isn’t all exciting adventures…

Chief O'Brien at Work - Why Do I Exist?

Into Darkness

Saw Star Trek: Into Darkness last night. I haven’t got time right now to write up my thoughts in full, but I will say that I quite enjoyed it – even if the backstory of the main villain was a bit underused. The constant references to that other movie were also a lot of fun.

The thing that impressed me the most however is that the technology of the 23rd century is not only advanced enough to build faster than light spacecraft, but also – apparently – to rotate St Paul’s Cathedral 180 degrees at will 😉

Be Careful What You Wish For…

Turned on Star Trek: The Next Generation last night to discover it was an episode featuring Ro Laren. This, I thought, was excellent, as I’m always up for some young Michelle Forbes.

The episode turned out to be Rascals.

Not quite that young thank you…

(Vaguely related, I once had a conversation with Stephanie regarding the merits of Bajoran noses. I happen to think they’re cute. She violently disagreed. Vive la différence!)

Well let’s keep going anyway

Right, I’m done.

I suppose I might as well try for the rest of the picture….

120 Lursa Duras
121 B’Etor Duras
130 Cadet Weenus (uh, Wesley)
131 Robin Lefler
136 Soran
137 Borg Queen
138 Zefram Cochrane
139 Lilly Sloane

142 Shinzon
143 Ben Sisko
144 Jake Sisko
145 Odo
146 Kira Nerys
147 O’Brien (DS9)
148 Dr Bashir
149 Jadzia Dax
150 Elim Garak
152 Quark
153 Rom
154 Leeta
155 Nog
156 Morn
157 Ezri Dax (So Cute!)
158 Keiko O’Brien
159 Molly O’Brien
164 Gul Dukat
165 Worf (DS9)

169 Ben Sisko (beard version)
170 Kasidy Yates
171 Jake Sisko (older)
173 Cadet Nog
187 Captain Janeway
188 Tuvok

189 Chakotay
190 Tom Paris
191 Harry Kim
192 B’Elanna Torres
193 The Doctor
194 Neelix
195 Kes
196 Seven of Nine

212 Captain Archer
213 T’Pol
214 Trip Tucker
215 Hoshi Sato
216 Malcolm Reed
217 Travis Mayweather
218 Plox
219 Porthos

That’s the best I can do without spending far more time than it warrants 🙂

Five Lines

I had nothing better to do for a few hours…

Well, I’m no expert, but here’s my attempt at the first five lines (beyond that I recognise so few that it’s plain not worth it…)

1 Kirk
2 Spock
3 Bones
4 Uhura
5 Sulu
6 Chekov
7 Scotty
8 Yeoman Rand
9 Nurse Chapel
10 …Uh
11 …Some Dude
12 …Some Other Dude
13 Arex
14 M’Ress
15 Harry Mudd
16 Evil Mirror Kirk
17 Evil Mirror Spock
18 Gorn
19 T’Pau
20 Mugato!
21 Khan
22 Orion Slave Girl
23 …I recognise this guy but can’t name him…
24 …Richard Simmons?

25 …Klingon
26 …Another Klingon
27 …Yet another Klingon
28 … Another damn Klingon
29 Tribbles!
30 …nope
31 Captain Pike
32 Talosian
33 …No idea
34 Horta
35 Salt Vampire
36 …Sergeant Pepper?
37 Excalbian
38 Apollo
39 Nomad
40 Trelane
41 Balok Puppet
42 Balok
43 Kirk (Motion Picture)
44 Spock (Motion Picture)
45 Bones (Motion Picture)
46 Uhura (Motion Picture)

47 Sulu (Motion Picture)
48 Chekov (Motion Picture)
49 Scotty (Motion Picture)
50 Illia
51 Decker
52 Kirk (Wrath of Khan)
53 Spock (Wrath of Khan)
54 Bones (Wrath of Khan)
55 Uhura (Wrath of Khan)
56 Sulu (Wrath of Khan)
57 Chekov (Wrath of Khan)
58 Scotty (Wrath of Khan)
59 Saavik (Wrath of Khan)
60 …Some unknown dude
61 …Spock in a dress?
63 Dr Carol Marcus
64 David Marcus
65 Klingon Monster Dog Thing (possibly a type of Targ)
66 Kruge
67 Sarek
68 Amanda Greyson
69 …Dunno
70 …Some Chick

71 Kirk (Voyage Home)
72 Spock (Voyage Home)
73 Bones (Voyage Home)
74 Uhura (Voyage Home)
75 Sulu (Voyage Home)
76 Chekov (Voyage Home)
77 Scotty (Voyage Home)
78 Admiral Cartwright
79 Federation President
80 Sybok
81 General Chang
82 Chancellor Gorkon
83 Valeris
84 …The Smoking Man?
85 …Random Klingon
86 …Bruce K Tedesco
87 …Daniel Flintstone
88 …Unknown
89 Jean Luc Picard
90 Data
91 Riker (God damn I hate that bastard…)
92 Worf
93 Dr Crusher

94 La Forge
95 Troi
96 Tasha Yar
97 Weenus (uh, I mean Wesley, of course…)
98 O’Brian
99 …Whatsisface
100 Ro Loren
101 Guinan
102 Q
103 Lore
104 Noonian Soong
105 Lwaxana Troi
106 Mr Hom
107 Alexander Son of Worf
108 K’Ehleyr
109 … Justin Bieber?
100 Dr Pulaski
111 …Short Chick
112 …Pale Dude
113 Dixon Hill
114 Locutus of Borg
115 Moriarty
116 Dr Watson (Geordi)
117 Sherlock Holmes (Data)
118 Spot

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