Author: Purple Wyrm

Cunning, Flesh-Covered Androids

We have now entered the media blackout period for Saturday’s Federal election. Praise the lord for small mercies. If I had to watch another ad with Malcolm Turnbull droning …jobs. and. growth. jobs. and. growth… or Bill Shorten trying to convince us he’s not some sort of cunning, flesh-covered android I may well have gone spare.

It currently looks like the Libs will get back in, probably with a reduced minority. Not the ideal situation, but as long as they don’t get control of the Senate it won’t be a complete disaster. God alone knows what’s going to happen up there, what with the new Senate voting rules and the ever increasing numbers of insane micro-parties – let alone the fact that the double dissolution has put all the Senate seats up for grabs. Interesting times my friends, interesting times. Get your monkey paws ready.

I am currently in the last stages of preparation for my trip to the UK. Airbnb has decided that I am a human being rather than some sort of cunning, flesh-covered android which means I have organised some places to stay and will not have to sleep under a series of canal bridges. This, combined with getting enough stuff completed at work before I leave means I have not had time to do much else, hence the lack of updates.

I have started to develop the ability to recognise New Zealand postcodes. I’m not sure if this is for good or ill.

The Austrian Govmint’s Pleen Pickaging Loh Ex Spearmint

Oh, this is something special!

That could possibly be an Australian, if they had a smoking induced stroke.

You have to wonder, if Plain Packaging is such a failure then why is the tobacco industry spending millions of dollars funding lobby groups like the “Property Rights Alliance” to stop it?

An Open Letter to Vodafone

You know, when you say that your Subiaco store opens at 9:00am it would be nice for those of your customers who work for a living if it actually did open at 9:00am and not at 9:11am, by which point said customers have had to leave and catch a bus.

It would so be nice if your goddam website worked properly so your customers could do something as simple as updating their credit card details without having to go into one of your poxy storefronts in the first place.

Thank you.

Music Music Music Music (The fourth ‘Music’ is a typo)

I’m busy planning and stressing out about my upcoming Europe holiday, but in the meantime here’s a quick round up of the music that’s been “rocking my casbah” of late, as I believe all the cool young folks say nowadays.

First up, Grimes. I’ve already mentioned how obsessed I am with the scintillating Flesh Without Blood, but her follow ups are just as strong. Kill vs Maim is downright savage (You gave up being good when you declared a state of WAAAAAAAR!!) and get a load of the video version of California (which I think I actually prefer to the album version).

Secondly, Source by Fever the Ghost. The song is pretty good, but the real draw for me is the fantastic video clip, animated by Australia’s own Felix Colgrave. The dragon (named Long Morrison as it happens) and those two dancing… things…. are so cute!

And finally I was watching Rockwiz last night and when the “Million Dollar Riffs” section came up the band struck up a riff that absolutely paralyzed me. It was like when something reminds you of a dream that you’d forgotten, and it come slamming back into your brain with full force. It turned out to (of all things) be the intro to You Little Thief by Feargal Sharkey which is a song that I loved as a kid, but somehow completely forgot about. Not only is it a great song (a diss track about Maria McKee as it happens), but the video clip is daggily fantastic! I’m quite convinced that the KLF borrowed elements of it for Justified and Ancient and the Stadium House Trilogy.

Right, I’m off to do the washing up before it develops sentience and attacks me…

Clerihews

Dr Johnathan Dee,
Spy and alchemist was he,
Who kept his life merry,
By swapping wives with Edward Kelley,

Nicholas Culpeper,
Was a herbal prepper,
A demon he did see,
In a gem from Dr Dee,

General Erich Ludendorff,
When young, probably couldn’t of,
Foreseen that the National Socialists
Would end up his political associates,

Battery Bear Hustle

Battery Bear Hustle: Instructions for Play

It’s 1972 and your bears have been making a killing selling illegal car batteries. But now the IRS is on your case! Your only option is to evacuate the parking structure and fly away, but can you get enough bears to your UFO before President Nixon catches you?

SETUP
1: Place your bears at the top of the parking structure.
2: Place the IRS agents on their Vans
3: Randomly distribute the Skateboards, Flamethrowers and Peerages by rolling two dice for each, and placing them on the corresponding parking space
4: Place President Nixon and the Lame Duck beside the board
5: Each player rolls a dice. The highest roll goes first

RULES
1: Each turn you may move your bears up to five places within the parking structure. You may move one bear five spaces, five bears one space, or any combination between.
2: Two bears may not occupy the same space without Fighting
3: You may not fight your own bears
4: A bear may move through another bear as long as the owner of the bear allows it. Otherwise a fight starts
5: When bears fight, each player rolls a die. The highest die roll wins the fight. In a draw, the attacking bear wins.
6: The losing bear is sent back to the top of the parking structure.
7: If a bear enters a space with a Skateboard, Flamethrower or Peerage they take the item and their movement ends.
8: A bear with a flamethrower rolls 2 dice when fighting
9: A bear with a skateboard may make one free move down the parking structure each turn
10: A bear with a peerage counts as two bears when entering the UFO.
11: If a bear enters a space with a disco ball, the player may roll one die and move an IRS agent up to that many spaces.
12: If an IRS agent enters a space with a bear, the bear must surrender a Flamethrower, Skateboard or Peerage. If they cannot, they are sent back to the top of the parking structure. The item they have surrendered is placed randomly on the board as during Setup.
13: If a player rolls two sixes and President Nixon is not on the board, they may replace an IRS agent of their choice with President Nixon
14: If a player rolls two sixes and President Nixon is already on the board, they may swap President Nixon’s position with that of any IRS agent
15: President Nixon is treated the same as an IRS agent, but two dice are rolled for his movement
16: If a player rolls two ones and President Nixon is on the board, replace President Nixon with the Lame Duck.
17: If a player rolls two ones and the Lame Duck is on the board, replace the Lame Duck with President Nixon.
18: The Lame Duck never moves
19: The first player to move ten bears into their UFO wins the game.