The Gods Hate Trees!

I’m quite ill at the moment, which is probably why I think this is an amusing idea…

Westeros Baptist Church

News Release

THANK THE SEVEN FOR THE DEATH OF JOFFREY BARATHEON!
WBC TO PICKET THE FUNERAL OF ‘KING’ JOFFREY
The Royal Court is classifying the death of Joffrey Baratheon as an assassination orchestrated by Tyrion ‘The Imp’ Lannister, but the fact is THE SEVEN POISONED HIS CHALICE. How many more terrifying ways will you have the Seven injure and kill your fellow Andals because you insist on tolerating race-dooming, filthy, tree worship?! The Seven placed their stars on the forehead of Hugor of the Hill and commanded submission, not supplication of trees, drowned corpses and demonic fire gods, and will take vengeance! The Baratheons invited special wrath with their willful association with heathen Northmen and Ironmen and blasphemous pagans from across the Narrow Sea. As a direct result of this continuing slide towards depravity the Seven sent poisoned wine to the royal wedding feast. Your callous, defiant sin now leaves the Seven Kingdoms without a Ruler! SEE YE THE BLADE AND WHO HATH WEILDED IT Westeros! What sorrow! What lamentation! What Woe!

THE GODS HATE TREES!

I’m An Authority! – Apparently

Hounded by the press…

So, I get home from work last night and find an email waiting for me from a journalist looking for information about Urban Exploration (I could name the journalist and say what organisation they work for, but I think it’d be a bit unfair to alert all the other journalists to what one particular journalist is doing until they’ve finished doing it – if you know what I mean).

As it turned out I couldn’t help much because (as I pretty much immediately deduced given the rather unfortunate incident in Sydney the other day) they were after information on draining, which is something I’ve never done and which isn’t very big here in Perth anyway because our sandy soils mean we don’t need the big drain networks they have in Sydney and Melbourne. But it’s nice to know that when it comes to Urban Exploration I’m the go to guy for the city’s press ;D

(Yeah, I’ll just keep telling myself that…)

Oh and Perth’s own Heath Ledger is dead. I’m not really bothered one way or the other to be honest.

…Later…

OK, this morning I said I wasn’t too fussed about Heath Ledger. Well that changed as soon as the over as that best ever argument for atheism, the Westboro Baptist Church, got involved.

You see, a few years back Heath starred in well known gay cowbow movie Brokeback Mountain. This – according to the Westboro pinheads – makes him some kind of “fag sympathiser”, who (because as they like to remind us all, “God hates fags”) is now burning in the flames of hell. Where he apparently belongs.

They also say they’re going to picket his funeral, which is something they really like doing. Just show them the funeral of a “fag” and they’ll turn up with a van full of hate-mongers and loudly remind everyone in the cemetery how much God hates the inhumee, and that they’re now burning in hell. Through the entire service (yes, these are nice people).

Thankfully I imagine Heath’s family will be bringing him back to Perth for burial, which means Fred Phelps and his crew of vile bigots should encounter some problems attending (“hate crimes” generally isn’t an acceptable reason for entering the country) but it still really boils my blood. I consider myself a pacifist, but I’d be extremely tempted to use some carefully calculated violence against the kind of creeps who harass mourning families at their loved ones’ funerals.

Neither am I the kind of person who takes it on themselves to judge others’ souls, but if there’s any kind of God, and any kind of afterlife, then Fred Phelps better try really hard for some remorse before he gets there.

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