God love Florence Welch, but desert dwelling nomads are probably the last people to consult about boat building
Category: Musical Snobbery
I Refuse to Apologise for Any of This
Crimes
It is my deep and strongly held conviction that to play the version of Pulp’s Common People that omits the second verse IS A CRIME.
Similarly, it is my deep and strongly held conviction that to play the version of Pulp’s Disco 2000 that omits the monologue IS A CRIME.
Furthermore, it is my deep and strongly held conviction that to play any version of Pulp’s Disco 2000 and not to sing along with the “OOOOOO OO-OO OO-OO-OO-OO” bits at the end IS A CRIME.
That is all.
An Intimate Relationship with Fossil Fuels
It has come to my attention that there doesn’t seem to be a decent version of the lyrics to the Chasers’ appallingly obscene yet incredibly funny take on our appalling former Prime Minister’s intimate relationship with fossil fuels. I cannot let this stand, so here is my best shot at a transcription.
COAL MAKES ME CUM by DJ SCOMO (THE CHASER)
Fuck you, and your family, and the essential services you rely on,
Right now – as a criminal – the thing I love is corruption,
Fuck you other cunts facing floods and the bushfires,
When disaster strikes I’m ready to go on vacation in Hawaii,
Coal makes me hard, coal makes me cum,
My dick is always hard for coal,
And it’s only getting harder,
Coal makes me hard, coal makes me cum,
But the thing I love about coal,
Is it doesn’t run away in disasters,
All those build up, and when those floods build up, well, we know what happens,
It makes me hard when I think about coal,
New South Wales used to party hard and we endеd all of that,
So we could have more coal, the dеstroying of fun, I want you cunts to know,
I’m a criminal with a capital ‘C’,
I love coal!
I’m a criminal, Mister, Mister, Mister,
I want to destroy the world,
Coal makes me hard, coal makes me cum,
My dick is always hard for coal,
And it’s only just begun,
Bullying, bullying, bullying, and I want you cunts to die,
China, China, China, being racist gets me hard,
It’s Australia’s fault that I’m such a cunt,
This election is a choice,
For the destroying of lives, people would die,
Attention to genocide,
PM I think we’re going to have to move on…
Sure….
Meine seltsame Freizeitbeschäftigung
Have I mentioned my strange hobby of translating Rammstein songs into English?
Jolly Neue Deutsche Härte minstrels Rammstein sure know how to construct a terrifying wall of Teutonic sound, and it’s a lot of fun to fight back against their particular style of sonic assault by singing along. However there’s something unsatisfying about growling out German words that you don’t understand and which no actual German would understand either because they’re not actually German words, they’re just your dime-store impersonation of what it sounds like Till Lindemann is muttering/bawling about.
(Photo by Sven Mandel)
There are a few ways to deal with this. One – of course – would be to learn German. This however is a lot of hard work for someone as lazy as I am. Another would be to memorise the lyrics of every Rammstein song along with their correct pronunciations, but that would take up memory space that could be more profitably used to store odd facts about the history of London or the exact taxonomical relationships between members of the Latrodectus genus of widow spiders. So I choose the easy route and write English lyrics that attempt to preserve the general meaning of the German ones while fitting the tunes and rhyming in the right places.
This is not as difficult as might be thought. English and German are very closely related, both being members of the West Germanic language family (along with Dutch, Frisian, Yiddish and a few others), which means simple German sentences tend to be about the same length as and use similar words to their English equivalents. Many can be understood right away or with only a few seconds’ thought – for instance…
- Wir haben ein Problem
- Hier kommt die Kavallerie!
- Die Katze ist gut, ja?
- Hast du Schweinefleisch?
- Mein Hovercraft ist voll von Aalen!
- Oh, lass nicht zu, dass die Räder deines Corporation-Lastwagens, der schmutziges Wasser aus Löchern saugt, über einen armen alten Mann fahren!
As such, translating a song from German into English is fairly simple, especially when compared to doing the same for a song from a different language group (I once tried translating a song out of Moldovan and almost died).
So my latest attempt is an English version of the song that taught millions of people the wrong German word for “ten” – Sonne
(I’ve left the counting in German because it’s obvious what it is and sounds so much better than boring old “one, two, three”. Furthermore ‘vier’ sounds like ‘fear’ and ‘sechs’ like ‘sex’, the combination of which sum up Rammstein’s music pretty accurately…)
SONNE by RAMMSTEIN
Translated into (mostly) English by Purple Wyrm
Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht, neun, aus!
We’re all waiting for the light,
Be afraid but don’t take fright,
The sun is shining from my eyes…
Tonight the sunset will not come,
And the world, it counts along,
Eins!
Here comes the sun!
Zwei!
Here comes the sun!
Drei!
Of all the stars the brightest one!
Vier!
Here comes the sun!
The sun is shining from my palms,
It can burn and blind and harm,
When it breaks out of my grip,
It falls upon your face and lips,
Tonight the sunset will not come,
And the world, it counts along,
Eins!
Here comes the sun!
Zwei!
Here comes the sun!
Drei!
Of all the stars the brightest one!
Vier!
Here comes the sun!
Fünf!
Here comes the sun!
Sechs!
Here comes the sun!
Sieben!
Of all the stars the brightest one!
Acht! Neun!
Here comes the sun!
The sun is shining from my palms,
It can burn and blind and harm,
When it breaks out of my grip,
It falls upon your face and lips,
It forces hard against your chest,
Digs it’s claws into your flesh,
It hurls you down, your senses gone!
And the world, it counts along!
Eins!
Here comes the sun!
Zwei!
Here comes the sun!
Drei!
It is the brightest star of all!
Vier!
And from the sky will never fall!
Fünf!
Here comes the sun!
Sechs!
Here comes the sun!
Sieben!
Of all the stars the brightest one!
Acht! Neun!
Here comes the sun!
The Hottest 70 2022
Yes girls, boys and others, once again it’s time to vote for the ten best songs of the year in the Triple J Hottest 100!
Or rather it would be if I could find 10 songs worth voting for…
I have a list of seven excellent songs, but finding an additional three is currently stymieing me. There are two that I could put in but neither quite meets my standards for a vote-worthy track. Voting is open for quite a while yet so I’ve got time to try and fill out the list, but it is worryingly symptomatic of a modern music scene in the process of entirely losing its way.
(Or, you know, I’m just old).
In any case, here are the songs I intend to vote for,
Backseat of My Mind – Thelma Plum
You know when you hear a song for the very first time and it somehow fits into a hole in your brain that you didn’t know was there so snugly that you feel like you’ve known it for years? That’s the way it is for me with this song, which is my undoubted favourite for the entire year. Every second of it is aural perfection – including the electronic sounds hidden beneath the fade out.
(The dog is named Tex.)
Sirens – Flume featuring Caroline Polachek
Without Caroline Polachek’s ethereal vocal this track would be little more that a pile of sound effects snaffled from the dumpster out the back of Skrillex’s house. With it, it’s incredible!
Haircut – Alex the Astronaut
I’ve been a fan of Alex’s music ever since Not Worth Hiding because the unofficial anthem of the Marriage Equality non-binding-non-compulsory-postal-survey back in 2017 (call it a vote and I’ll kick you). They’ve been hitting it out of the park ever since with material that not just represent the autistic experience (and I presume the queer experience), but are just damn good songs on their own merits. This one is a downright joy-filled piece about figuring out and celebrating who you are. I challenge you not to belt out the chorus every time it comes on.
(I never made it to the glow worm cave either and it’s a pain that never stops!)
Forever Drunk – Peach PRC
I loved Peach’s first release Josh, but wasn’t terribly impressed by her second God is a Freak which I found didn’t have a lot going for it either musically or theologically. This one however is catchy as hell, even if I can’t help wondering if she has to pay royalties to Alphaville for the hook.
2 be Loved (Am I Ready) – Lizzo
Lizzo’s music has been wildly popular for the last few years, but none of it has ever appealed to me. I’ve got nothing against it, or against her, it’s just not my kind of music. This track however works for me. It’s great!
Big City Life – Luude and Mattafix
I was a big fan of Mattafix’s 2005 original, and this drum and bass remix takes everything good about it and gives it an energetic kick. Great work!
Summer in New York – Sofi Tukker
If you’re going to sample a classic then you’d better do something good with it. Sofi Tukker has made that grade by building a catchy as hell song around Suzanne Vega going “da-da-dada”. Suzanne was content to drink her coffee and watch the world go by but Sofi manages to make an entire day and night of it in one of the greatest cities on Earth (is she getting paid for all the name drops?)
So those are the seven tracks I’m voting for. As for the two I’m iffy about…
Grapefruit – Tove Lo
I quite like this track and it’s on an important subject, but there’s just something slightly off about that I can’t figure out. Maybe the blippety-bloppety sounds in the chorus? But I’m usually totally in favour of blippety-bloppety sounds? I really don’t know…
Coal Makes Me Come – DJ Scomo
I would like to lay claim to be being a mature and sober adult with some kind of standards, but this extremely juvenile remix of our former, unlamented Prime Minister explaining his deep contempt for the Australian people and his sensual love of fossil fuels makes me laugh like a drain, so I can’t.
News flash! While trying to track down the identity of Tove Lo’s song I actually stumbled over a couple of other recent tracks that are good enough for consideration. So it looks like I may not have a problem after all!
6am – Chanel Tres
Colin – Lime Cordiale
Stay tuned for a final decision!
The Lord President can do Whatever he Damn Well Pleases
I was quite startled this week to discover that Erasure’s synthpop classic about Timelord on Dæmon violence in a Chinese garden – Always – was not recorded as I assumed in about 1983, but over a decade later in 1994 when I was apparently so confounded by my first year at university that it completely passed me by.
I could make some snide comments about being behind the times, but when you consider some of the other music being released in the early to mid 90s, determinedly clinging to the styles of the 80s seems quite sensible. Also they threw a bar of 5/4 time in there which is the kind of tricksy musical tomfoolery I’ll always support.
A Child’s Treasury of Misheard Lyrics
A random collection of song lyrics that I have got amusingly wrong over the years.
Song: Hounds of Love
Artist: The Futureheads (covering Kate Bush)
Misheard Line: I found a box powered by dogs
Actual Lyric: I found a fox cornered by dogs
Commentary: Sunderland accents, you know?
Song: Dancing in the Dark
Artist: Bruce Springsteen
Misheard Line: Here’s a joke, here’s some wine, and it’s on me
Actual Lyric: There’s a joke here somewhere and it’s on me
Commentary: I though the Boss was being a gracious host, offering his listeners entertainment and drinks at his own cost.
Song: Enter Sandman
Artist: Metallica
Misheard Line: It’s still light, enter night
Actual Lyric: Exit light, enter night
Commentary: Not particularly significant, but Fabes almost punched me when he heard me singing it.
Song: Twist in my Sobriety
Artist: Tanita Tikaram
Misheard Line: Look my eyes are just hollow grounds, look your love has drawn me from my hounds
Actual Lyric: Look my eyes are just holograms, look your love has drawn red from my hands
Commentary: Let’s face it, my version sounds much more mysterious and interesting.
Song: The Riddle
Artist: Nik Kershaw
Misheard Line: By a tree by a river there’s a hole in the ground, where an old man in shadow walks around and around, in his mind is a question in the veil of the night, for a strange kind of person there’s a wrong and a right, he will never, never change
Actual Lyric: Near a tree by a river there’s a hole in the ground, where an old man of Aran goes around and around, and his mind is a beacon in the veil of the night, for a strange kind of fashion there’s a wrong and a right, he will never, never fight over you
Commentary: In my defence Nik Kershaw himself describes the lyrics as “nonsense, rubbish, bollocks, the confused ramblings of an 80s popstar”
Song: Justified and Ancient (Stand by the JAMs)
Artist: The KLF featuring Tammy Wynette
Misheard Line: They’re justified and ancient, ancient and they’re justified, rocking to the rhythm in the ice cream van, got the plan and the key to enter enter Mu Mu, far from the trogs of the JAMS, on my way to Beebeezak, ’cause I know what time it is, treatin’ on the time, make a modern 99, loose style, meanwhile, own store militia while fishing in the rivers of life
Actual Lyric: Justified and ancient, ancient and a-justified, rocking to the rhythm in their ice cream van, with the plan and the key to enter into Mu Mu, vibes from the tribes of the JAMS, I know where the beat is at, ’cause I know what time it is, bring home a dime, make mine a 99, new style, meanwhile, always on a mission while fishing in the rivers of life
Commentary: With everything else going on in this track it’s a wonder I managed to get the words that close.
Song: Mowgli’s Road
Artist: Marina and the Diamonds
Misheard Line: Oh Lord now I can see, recovery will keep on chasing me
Actual Lyric: Oh Lord now I can see, the cutlery will keep on chasing me
Commentary: I thought this was a well crafted line about the never quite complete process of recovery from mental and emotional trauma, but instead it – and indeed the entire song – is gibberish about being chased by spoons (I suppose you could interpret it as a reference to heroin addiction if you really wanted to). Marina Diamandis has disowned her entire first album, including this song, but I’m still happy to crank it and howl along.
Song: Friday I’m in Love
Artist: The Cure
Misheard Line: Tuesday, Wednesday hard to tak(e) and Thursday watch the wars instead
Actual Lyric: Tuesday, Wednesday heart attack and Thursday watch the walls instead
Commentary: The gibberish filled bridge about watching people eat and spinning sheep I got 100% right though.
Song: Brown Eyed Girl
Artist: Van Morrison
Misheard Line: Gunned down the old man with a transistor radio
Actual Lyric: Goin’ down the old mine with a transistor radio
Commentary: I always thought this was a brilliant line on the rebelliousness of youth, the importance of music to the young and the liberation not just inherent to rock and roll but of the sudden ability to easily transport music brought about by the transistor revolution. Turns out Van Morrison simply ain’t that smart.
Don’t ya think that you need somebody?
Today – Friday November 18th – is projected to be one of the coldest November days in Perth since records began with a predicted maximum of 16° C, and it is pouring with rain.
Guns n Roses are playing at Optus Stadium tonight.
The only logical conclusion is that Axl Rose has developed the ability to control the weather.
Excuse me sir, will you cover my expenses to Orlando?
If you’re autistic and don’t listen to Alex the Astronaut then I don’t know what to tell you.
