Happy Taumas!

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all cross the zone,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a drone,
The fire-ports were locked with their lasguns in place,
In the hopes that an enemy would soon show his face,

The guardsmen were sleeping, tucked up in their billets,
Dreaming of recaff and sizzling grox fillets,
For the rations were low, the supply lines were cut,
The Commander sat up with his rumbling gut,

Unable to sleep he pondered, and tried,
To figure how long they could last unsupplied,
Then on the perimeter sounded a klaxon,
He leapt to his feet, glad of such a distraction,

Across to a gunport he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutter and lifted the sash,
The night vision auspex he pulled to his eye,
Providing a scan of the objects outside,

His bolt gun unholstered, preparing to shoot,
He beheld a Piranha and eight spikey Kroot,
And a little blue driver with a slit in his brow,
He knew in a moment it must be a Tau,

The Tau and his Kroot flew in over the ice,
And he whistled, and shouted (via translation device),
“Now Gnawer! Now Chewer! Now Nibbler and Biter!
“On Shaper! On Shooter! On Slicer and Fighter!

“To the top of the bunker! To the top of the wall!
“Now lift away! Lift away! Lift away all!”
To the top of the bunker the xenos all flew,
Boxes strapped on to the Tau and his crew,

The Commander spun round, as the ceiling hatch popped,
Through it the Tau and his porters all dropped,
He looked like a daemon, his skin pale and blue,
His oddly cleft face and his cloven feet too,

But a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Showed the Commander he had nothing to dread,
Not speaking a word, they went straight to their task,
Resupplying each backpack and filling each flask,

Then raising salute with a hand sign quite strange,
They headed back out to the place whence they came,
The Tau primed the piranha, the Kroot gathered round,
And away they all flew, barely making a sound,

Yet to the Commander he yelled (via translator),
“Happy Christmas to all, for the Good that is Greater!”


(The Inquisition turned up at the rise of the sun,
Destroyed all the evidence and purged everyone)

A Message from the BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System

A unique new way we’ve figured out to to prize money from the hand of the gullible

The BiUnity(TM) Quantum Crystal System is a unique new way we’ve figured out to to prize money from the hand of the gullible using the exciting field of Harmony Block Transfer Computation Renewal – a type of science we’ve just made up!

This unique system was developed by Dr Hiram Q. Chuzzlewit (holder of a Doctorate in Applied Scientism from the Yorba Linda School of Correspondence) based on information ‘bought back’ after he hit his head on a doorway and felt woozy for a few minutes – and wastes more CPU clock cycles than any comparable product!

BiUnity(TM) is the first system of its kind to use a computer to do absolutely nothing while convincing you it’s doing something by bombarding you with a load of meaningless gibberish peppered with new-age keywords such “energy”, “vibration”, “fractal” and “harmony”. It also displays pretty patterns that can be used to hypnotise your pets and less intelligent relatives!

(If there are any less intelligent than you!)

BiUnity(TM) leads the way in selling you overpriced pieces of rock crystal with wires attached in the hope that you’ll think these can somehow “transmit information” to your body in direct contravention of well established physical and biological principles!

Federal law prevents us from presenting any testimonials about BiUnity(TM) (as we’d then have to submit it for assessment by the FDA and our whole little money making scheme would collapse around our ears when they announce it’s just some lumps of rock crudely wired up to USB plugs and a cheap graphics demo program) but here’s a completely unrelated story we’d like you to read…

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