From the Beat Poetry as Communications Department

Hi pls look at background at to – it has a BLOCK AFFECT IN THE IMAGE!!! What!?

The complete text (or more accurately subject line, since the client in question is yet to realise that you can type in the “big text area” as well as the “little text area”) of a support email I received from a client today…

Hi pls look at background at to – it has a BLOCK AFFECT IN THE IMAGE!!!

I was tempted to email back something along the lines of “I’m sorry, it’s company policy to only accept emails written in English”, or even “What the hell are you talking about!?” but I bit my tongue and sent a polite request for clarification.

I honestly think some of our clients are using random text generators to compose their emails to us. How else can you explain the fact that they can be perfectly articulate on the phone while their emails resemble second rate beat poetry?

Rather tired and depressed at the moment, which is why there haven’t been many updates lately. Basically just a combination of work stress, health issues (nothing serious it turns out, but very worrying there for a while) and the need to get my tax done ASAP. I’ll pull through it in a few weeks. Probably.

*sigh*

The CPAP Blues

Continuous Negative Air Pressure

I’m doing a CPAP trial at the moment for my sleep apnea. It’s not going very well, which is why I’ve been fairly silent recently. The theory is you wear a mask while you sleep that blows pressurised air into your throat, holding it open so you can breath. That’s the theory. In my case it seems to involve wearing a mask so uncomfortable that I can’t sleep, which blows pressurised air into my throat so I can’t breath out. As a result I’m not getting much sleep, and not up to doing much except the basics (work, eating, trying to sleep etc).

I think I may have to bite the bullet and lose weight. I was working along the lines of ‘get set up with CPAP, get some decent sleep, use the extra energy to exercise’, but it looks like I’ll just have to summon up the energy to exercise without the sleep. I’ve finally got a replacement inner tube for my bike, so I can start cycling again which should help, but it’s still not a pleasant prospect *sigh*.

Current mood – Well and truly fed up.

OMG! Ponies!

How fast can your horse walk?

You know, the Internet may be the greatest information resource ever constructed by the human species, but it could sure use some organisation. I spent a good two hours yesterday trying to find out how far an average person could travel in a day on foot and on horseback (why? you’re not cleared for that! πŸ˜‰

I found plenty of information about how villages in northern England are spaced based on how far a person could walk in a day, and how traffic in central London today is apparently slower than horses and carts in Victorian times, but precious little on the actual distances and speeds involved. I was at the point of tearing my hair out when Wikipedia (the font of all human knowledge πŸ˜‰ came to my partial rescue with articles on the various gaits of horses, and the Pony Express. Some more poking around on the subject of “walk” finally allowed me to come up with some semi-reliable figures which I shall present here to make life easier for anyone else seeking the same information

An average, healthy, human adult can walk or march at about 5km per hour, or 3.1 miles per hour. Running speed is around 13km per hour, or 8 miles per hour. A horse can comfortably trot at the same speed (13kmph/8mph) more or less indefinitely. A horse can gallop at about 40-50km per hour (25-30 miles per hour) but can only keep it up for about 15 minutes before having to stop and rest.

So if we assume that a day’s travel is seven hours, a person on foot can travel about 35km (22 miles) a day. On horseback they could travel about 90km (56 miles).

I suppose I should now prove my calculations by getting a map of northern England and checking if the villages are 22 miles apart. If they’re closer I’ll just have to blame lazy peasants. If they’re further I’ll pin it on long summer evenings πŸ˜€

(Oh, and for the record if you wanted to do it Pony Express style you could conceivably cover about 350km or 220 miles in a day – but you’d need 30 or so horses lined up across the landscape waiting for you and a very tough backside πŸ™‚

Are they still talking gospel to the people? If so, their voices must sound strange…

The Wyrmworld plan for large scale, distributed Civil Defence.

Jericho is turning out to be not bad at all. A bit overwrought at times, but all in all an enjoyable watch. The one weird thing though is as much as I enjoy watching it, it always leaves me feeling all wound up and anxious in the pit of my stomach.

I put this down to my being a child of the 80’s. Back then we were all living under the threat of the bomb. Every moment of every day we knew in the back of our minds that without warning some idiot in Washington or the Kremlin could hit the button and incinerate us all over some stupid point of political ideology. It was there all the time, much like the threat of terrorism today but worse because while a terrorist attack can kill hundreds, nuclear war would kill everyone. So I reckon Jericho freaks me out on some deep level because it’s the stuff of my generation’s childhood nightmares.

I’m still going to watch it though πŸ™‚

Next week is the fourth episode. The adds are terribly cryptic as usual, but I strongly suspect that a wave of desperate refugees from Denver is about to descend on the town, and drama shall ensue. This supposition has got me thinking about how a society could actually cope with people abandoning the big population centers and descending on small towns, and I’ve come up with some novel ideas that I shall now inflict on the world in general πŸ™‚

(On a side note we’re seeing each episode of Jericho only a few hours after it premieres in the States, which makes a fantastic change. The usual lag for American TV is six months to two years. I suspect someone in Hollywood has finally twigged that the best way to prevent torrent piracy isn’t legal action, it’s giving international audiences the ability to see the shows legally without having to wait for ‘ing months).

So, here’s my idea. You put legislation in place (in peacetime so people have the time to get used to it and make preparations) that in a time of emergency every settlement of more than 100 people is legally required to take in refugees equal to 5% of the population (you also provide government funding to help towns get the necessary facilities in place – extra hospital beds, emergency shelters and food supplies, etc). Jericho for example is a town of about 5000 people, so in an emergency it would be legally required to take in 250 refugees. Once those refugees have been taken in the settlement is perfectly within its rights to tell everyone else to move on, and can enforce that right by any means necessary.

Who gets accepted as a refugee is based on a priority system. The highest priority are the critically injured, the chronically ill, the elderly (let’s say over 65), and children under 16 and their parents/guardians. The first 250 (since we’re continuing to use Jericho as an example) of those people to turn up in town are taken in. The rest are given cursory medical treatment, some water, and told to keep on down the road to the next settlement.

To help the settlements taking in refugees cope, there would be a special provision for medical staff, military and emergency services personnel – 10% of the refugee intake can be allocated to these people at the town’s discretion. So Jericho could take 25 firefighters, cops or paramedics (if they’re available) in place of 25 higher priority refugees.

The diaspora from the city would spread out across the countryside with the weakest finding help and shelter almost immediately, and those able to go further going further. The majority of people would end up somewhere safe and have their needs met, and no settlement would be crushed under the pressure.

Now all of this probably sounds pretty harsh, but it’s meant to be. The situation portrayed in Jericho is harsh – a small town about to be swamped by thousands of desperate people seeking food, water, shelter and medical assistance. Incredibly hard decisions would have to be made and then enforced if anyone were to survive. The idea of the laws described above is to take those awful, inhuman decisions away from the townsfolk, give them a clear framework to work with, and provide the right to defend their home and themselves against the desperate hordes that would otherwise destroy them. It would also give the refugees a clear idea of what to expect, reducing some of the panic and violence that might otherwise ensue.

So yeah, that’s my plan for large scale, distributed Civil Defence. Not bad eh? ;D

I’m out of food, so I’m going to go shopping now.

PS: You may well be wondering what any of this has to do with “talking gospel”. Well, absolutely nothing! I just woke up with that phrase in my head the other morning and thought it was too good to waste. I have vague impression it’s got something to do with Al Jolson in minstrel makeup riding up and down a beach on a jet ski yelling at people, but any deeper significance is forever lost in the world of dreams πŸ™‚

PPS: What!? Wikipedia is down! But it’s the source of all human knowledge!! How can I be sure that my links about Al Jolson and racist entertainment practises of the early 20th century are correct?!?

It’s all Gubbins

Post nuclear ramblings and how to restore your Doc Martens with a pot of paint.

I am very very tired – I’ve got a number of things I keep meaning to write about, but I just can’t seem to summon the energy. I suppose I’ll make some effort though.

Jericho. It wasn’t bad. It seems a lot like a post-nuclear version of Lost – which is kind of an odd thing for me to say because I’ve never watched even a single episode of Lost. Nonetheless it somehow seems to have a certain Lost-like quality πŸ™‚

Of course it helps that it’s post-nuclear. I’m in favour of anything post-nuclear (short of actual post-nucleism naturally). I ascribe this to both finding a copy of Henry’s Quest in the school library and watching Quest Beyond Time way too many times as a kid. I’ve been obsessed with the ruin of civilisation ever since. Funny how things turn out πŸ˜€

Hmmm, what else was I going to say. Oh yeah, how nerdy is this? A few months back my old boots wore out and I upgraded to Doc Martens – ten eyehole yellow stitch ones. These chewed up my feet pretty bad for a while, but are now nicely worn in (or have sufficiently reshaped my feet). In any case I badly scratched one of them the other day, taking some of the nicely tanned surface off and leaving the underlying rough leather exposed. Clearly this wasn’t going to fly so I bought some black boot polish (I already had dubbin naturally, but that’s not black) and got into some vigorous polishing.

It worked a treat. Unfortunately however I slipped with the brush a few times and smeared polish over some of the trademark yellow stitching. I did my best to clean it off, but no dice – the stitches were reduced to a dull brown. What to do?!

Simple. I grabbed a Citadel fine detail brush and a pot of bubonic brown and painted them back on!!

With some careful, painstaking work I highlighted the dulled stitches with a thin line of paint. And you know what? It worked perfectly! A day later and you can’t even tell which were touched up. Conforming-in-a-non-conforming-way-street-cred restored! πŸ™‚

(I said it was nerdy πŸ™‚

Anyway I’m probably going to watch the second episode of Jericho and go to bed. If I can stay awake that long.

Spbanjos! (Space Banjos!)

Random ramblings and stuff.

Wait, hang on, so Here Comes Your Man isn’t about the bombing of Nagasaki? Now I’m just confused!

Spent a quite enjoyable day at work designing and starting the coding work on a new product. It’s nothing too amazing – in fact it’s fairly boring – but there’s just something really… I don’t know, it’s like a sense of freedom, when you start out with such a huge, blank canvas on which you can write your words (or code) large. Like you’re cruising down the coast on a summer’s day with the wind in your hair and five months of paid holiday in front of you. Or something like that. I’m probably quite mad πŸ™‚

Hmmm, there was no Triple J when I woke up this morning. Or at least there was, but only in the form of song after song after song with the occasional “We’re experiencing technical difficulties, but we’ll be back real soon!” recording in between. I wouldn’t have minded so much, except that there were no time-calls, no news bulletins and no weather forecasts. I had to go across to (shudder!) Mix 94.5 to find out whether to take my umbrella with me.

Turns out there’s massive industrial action going on at the ABC. Thousands walking off the job and such. It’s only a 24 hour strike apparently so things’ll be back to normal tomorrow. Supposedly.

Hmmm, what else has been going on in my oh so glamourous life? I finally got a package of stuff from Amazon I ordered like a month ago (their shipping times to Australia are ridiculous, I honestly think they ship across the Pacific via sea otter) and as a result have been listening almost non-stop to the soundtrack from Serenity. Particularly track number 3, which is the main reason I ordered it. It’s the music from when you first see the ship and she starts re-entry into the atmosphere. If for some reason you wanted to pinpoint the very moment I became a Firefly fan, you could make a good case for it being that scene, and a good part of it was because of that amazing music. I mean, banjos combined with a symphony orchestra? What madman could conceive of such a thing!? And what even greater madman could make it sound so damn good!?! (David Newman actually). The only thing wrong with it is it only goes for 50 seconds – I hereby demand Mr Newman works it up into a full 40 minute symphony! Now!!! ;D

Oh, here’s an interesting link that was on Slashdot today. An interview with the guy who made the Columbine computer game that’s been implicated in that shooting in Montreal. It’s actually really, really interesting – if you want to make any kind of commentary on the Montreal incident you need to read this interview. I could sum up the gist of it here, but I won’t. Suffice to say that if you think the idea of making a computer game about Columbine is sick, and anyone who would do such a thing is some kind of pervert, you’re in for a real surprise. Go on, read it!

OK, I’ll shut up now. Jericho premieres in a few minutes, and I thought I’d give it a chance. In all likelyhood it’ll be awful, but you never know.

PS: Hey! The opening music is by the Killers – that’s a good sign…

Neil Gaiman’s Latin In Joke (Maybe)

Latin? Or co-incidence. You decide.

I’m reading Neil Gaiman’s Anansi Boys at the moment. It’s pretty good (although that’s a given really) but today I noticed something a bit odd…

As part of the flow of the story Neil drops in the occasional Anansi story, and one of has a bit that goes a little like this…

…So Anansi lay down on his bed and he sighed, long and loud, and his wife and his sons all came a-running. “I’m a-dying,” said Anansi in his little weeny-weedy-weaky voice, “and my life is all over and done.”…

You get that? Weeny-weedy-weaky?

Now at this point you’re probably wondering what the heck I’m on about. Well, while preparing for Justin’s birthday party (which I wasn’t able to go to in the end) I did a fair bit of brushing up on my Latin. One of the interesting things about Latin is that there’s two ways of pronouncing it. The one that most people are familiar with is the Eclesiastical pronunciation, which is the pronunciation developed by the Roman Catholic church over the last 1000 years or so. The second one is the Classical pronunciation, which is our best guess at how the Romans actually spoke it. There’s some diferences in the vowels here and there, but about the biggest divergence is probably ‘v’ and ‘c’. In Eclesiatical these are usually pronunced ‘v’ and ‘ch’ respectively. In Classical however they’re ‘w’ and ‘k’.

So what has this go to do with Anansi Boys? Well consider Caesar’s famous declaration Veni Vedi Vici (“I came, I saw, I conquered”, for those whose classical education is lacking). In Eclesiastical this is something like “veenee veedee vichee”. In Classical on the other hand it’s (drum roll….) “weeny weedy weaky”!

SEE!?!?

(I don’t know what’s sadder, that I know all this at all, or that I know all this well enough to immediately notice it in a book πŸ™‚

PS: Ha! David Tench is being moved to 9:30. It’s the begining of the end!! *vbg*

Fnord!

Five tons of orbital flax.

So, the body formerly known as Xena is now officially Eris!

This is great news for any fan of the Illuminatis! trilogy – so much so that I actually yelped with joy when I read it on Wikipedia (thankfully I’d come in early and was the only one in the office). It’s a name almost as good as Persephone, given the amount of discord the planet (sorry! dwarf planet) has caused in the astronomical community.

And it also means they’ve been able to name the moon after Eris’s daughter Dysnomia or Lawlessness. Get it? Lawlessness? As in Lucy Lawless? Clever no? πŸ™‚

Now all we’ve got to do is get them to reverse that stupid “Dwarf Planet” ruling and get Pluto, Charon, Ceres and Eris back onto the list where they rightfully belong. Fnord!

Picking the Good Professor’s Brains

Swords, whips, dogs and JRR Tolkien

Late night up at Fabian’s place last night. Plenty of vodka, bourbon and sitting in the spa in the rain – none of which I partook of, not being a fan of any of them (I don’t drink, and strongly suspect I may have been a lobster in a former life ;). I just drank coke and sat on the edge dodging the rain as best I could. Still, not a bad night all up and probably better than sitting at home all alone (although I could have stood to get to bed earlier than 1:00am, not having slept terribly well on Friday).

Here’s something vaguely interesting (or not). While poking around on Wikipedia (like you do) I discovered Durendal – the legendary sword of Roland (probably better known in English as Orlando). If you swap the first two syllables around you get ‘Endural’… Sound familiar? Well, probably not, because you’re not an obsessive Tolkien nut, but it’s quite obviously the same word as ‘Anduril’ – the reforged sword-that-was-broken (you know, the big flashy one Vigo Mortenson was waving around in the third movie?).

Tolkien was pretty expert in European mythology and legend – there is no way he would have been unaware of Durendal. So I reckon we can mark this one down as deliberate in-joke, or at least reference. Oh sure, Anduril means ‘Flame of the West’ in Quenya (well probably Quenya anyway) but I can state from personal experience that when you’re making a language the temptation to throw in a few little gags here and there is very strong (Zurv

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